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#2807 - 11/20/03 05:30 PM Why does he still want to hurt me?

Okay - so I've been back and forth with an extremely selfish, cruel, inconsiderate, unfaithful, and abusive man for many years.

Most recently, I took him back and 2 1/2 months later he dumped me for another woman out of the blue without any reason/explanation and without so much as a goodbye.

Bad enough, huh?

But wait, now he has sent me three e-mails - one asserting that I "am going to jail", one assuring me that he is taking action to prevent me from taking advantage of an opportunity that will help me in my life, and all saying how I "don't deserve to be happy", how horrible I am, and even going so far as to tell me to "rot in hell".

He lied. He cheated. He abandoned me. He tried to get his roommate to lie for him, and called the police on me for absolutely no reason.

Then he searches desperately for a reason to blame me and to justify what he did - even if it means going back and justifying his actions with something that allegedly took place long before his abandoning me (I call this retroactive blaming).

Then he continues to spend time and energy trying to hurt me with cruel words, by telling others bad things about me, and by trying to destroy opportunities that may help me succeed and move on with my life.


I am the one with a legitimate reason to want revenge - and I don't. I don't want to be friends with him. I don't want to be enemies with him. All I want is to have nothing more to do with eachother. I want my freedom. He's welcome to his freedom. If he finds happiness, good for him.

I just want my happiness - to move on and utilize resources which will help me to do that - without any abuse or interference by him (and vice versa).

Why can't he allow me that? He doesn't want me. Why does he want to continue to hurt me emotionally? And why does he want to destroy any good thing that may come into my life?

I have not responded to his abusive e-mails, and have blocked him from e-mailing me again. I hope that he will tire of his hatred and let me be.


Edited by DawgLover (11/20/03 05:56 PM)

#2808 - 11/20/03 08:00 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?
freedom Offline

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 11
why does he do what he does?
it is because that is what psychopath do torture our mind into why why why
the p i fell for would do the same thing i would leave him alone for a few months, he would beg me to come back, he would call me 20 times a day come to my job he would say a million time that he wanted to marry me when i am already married
so i would give up and would go see him and he would be with another woman i would hate myself for giving in
then a few months later i would meet the woman at a club and she would tell me how he was making those phone call in front of her he was just making fun of me trying to see how stupid i be
and i still went back with him after he left her
he is in jail now one of his girlfriend who has a few charges on him for violence is making sure he will stay in jail for awhile
that helps to stay away from him but my mind is still thinking about him too much rehearsing what could be
what should i have done
and coming here reading you'all helps a lot to see the plain truth
stay away from the p
he is up to no good


#2809 - 11/20/03 08:04 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?


While all P's are individuals unto themselves, and no two are alike, most will move on once they have a relatively stable new source of narcisstic supply. P's have difficulty taking responsibity for anything negative. They simply cannot fathom that they are capable of doing anything wrong. You turned the tables on him and, as I stated in an earlier post, held the mirror of truth up to his face. It was too much for him to deal with. He is going to try to refocus the attention back to you, making it "your fault" no matter how he can.... regardless of how absurd, misconstrued or senseless it is.
You did the right thing to block your e-mails. And if he calls or you happen to cross paths take the advice offered by Lynnie (I think) and act bored, disinterested, unattached. Whatever he is not your concern.
He's trying to push your buttons any way that he can.
As far as his telling others terrible lies about you.... the truth is true and will always win out. Without your even having to do anything, it will blow up in his face...eventually.

#2810 - 11/20/03 11:19 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

Hi Rick

You said: "As far as his telling others terrible lies about you.... the truth is true and will always win out. Without your even having to do anything, it will blow up in his face...eventually. "

That is so true - and is something to hold on to through the bad times. Yes, the P will turn people against you with his lies; make them believe you are unstable, even insane. But he is not able to keep his "nice P" act together for long enough to impress anybody long-term. Eventually those same people will see through him, and will realise that you are the sane one and he is not. It may be hellish for a while, but it does come right in the end.

As an example:

My P was (to crown all his other sins) a paedophile. I only found this out after I left him. He had everybody in the smallish town where we lived believing that I was a complete, hysterical nutter. I pretty much believed it myself. Some years after I left him, I heard that he was taking an interest in the young son of people who were originally his friends, but who I got on really well with. I had moved to another town by then. I screwed up my courage to go on a visit back there to warn the child's parents, thinking that I would meet with rejection - "hysterical" Ali making up stories against "nice" P. To my surprise they believed me immediately and put a stop to all contact between P and the boy, and in fact have become very close to me. By then they had seen enough glimpses of the unmasked P to know straight away who was speaking the truth.

So remember that, Dawg Lover: if he does manage to turn anyone against you, it will only be temporary and the truth will win out. Good luck. Believe in yourself and you will win out in the end.

#2811 - 11/21/03 12:37 AM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?


I'm an "armchair psychologist" nothing more ~ I've done a huge amount of reading into abusive personalities as a result of my own situation and so will take a stab at this one.

When you are with them in the relationship they tell you that you make them unhappy, and they become abusive towards you because they are dissatisfied with you. Eventually you leave them, thinking things will calm down, but it doesn't calm down it escalates. I've come to understand this is "I hate you, don't leave me" territory, and furthermore when you leave them its "abandonment rage".

A little bit more in depth... these individuals have poor cognitive problem solving skills. When they feel lousy or bad, they don't think "I'm having a bad day" they think, "its that [censored], she's not making me happy!" ~ their blame orientation is dyfunct.

This is usually attributed to separation issues in infancy (2-3 years of age), and obviously they have to value their own happiness over yours and usually anyone else's.

If this just happens in one relationship they tend to blame that one person, if they move on from that relationship to another and it happens again (it usually does, unless the new person is more controlling than the perpetrator.

The suggested reason this happens is that they are ego-dependent... that means that to feel complete & happy, their ego requires support in the form of adulation, respect, flattery, authority, etc (some form or Narcissistic Supply) they have the need for this supply and if they don't get it, it makes them cranky / abusive. If you behave like you are going to take away this supply permenantly, it feels like they are losing a part of their mind, an arm or something, the percieved threat to the integrity of the self/ego is that great.

The problem that most of us have in longer term arrangements, is that we practise & practise & practise not upsetting our respective monsters, and the monsters actually like this. Although it is highly unlikely that we ever make them truly content ~ they have these incomplete egos, and we can't go back to intimacy with them, although some of them respond to being treated like a child or "mothered". But still our monsters than associate that we are the ones most likely to fulfill their narcissistic requirements.

The problems manifest in the relationship are around meeting these requirements, hence they control & intimidate you & get really mad when they percieve that you are not meeting their needs very well, so they become overtly abusive, and then seek to justify the abuse, in that you were not meeting their needs in the first place hence they were justified abusing you.

When all this overwhelms you (either physically, mentally or both) you get out. Which realises their abandonment phobia, and this elicits often intense rage ~ they hate you for leaving them and percive you to have wronged them.

I believe it is therefore your ex-husband's resentment for you having left him, hence he is retaliating to this percieved major slight (in his eyes) with these spiteful emails.

I've posted about the Dutton book, The Abusive Personality ~ Violence & control in intimate relationships.

I re-read this when I recently went no contact with my P and so much of it made sense... it explained an awful lot to me and helped me to realise I will not be happy & fulfilled if P continues to be involved in my life.

And to end on a nice note, if you kick the Stockholm Syndrome and move on, nice things can happen to you. I have a lovely new boyfriend, who is not P-like, who invited me to go with him to St Lucia next week for a diving holiday!!! I think its a bit early for us to be going on holiday together, so probaby won't take up the kind offer, although I have offered to take him to and pick him up from the airport, which seemed to make him very happy ~ see its so easy with non-abusive people!!!

I also was out on Wednesday night, watching the football, with another friend who spent most of the night trying to convince me to marry him, & got 3 guys phone numbers (I wasn't even trying, as am very happy with the St Lucia boyfriend!)... I can only conclude that my intense, haunted look has gone having got through the Stockholm Syndrome, in otherwords I no longer look neurotic!!!

By the way, Lynnie, I recently read your posting about Stockholm Syndrome and found it very helpful in getting me out of it. Many thanks!

Dawgs... hang in there, the part you are going through is absolutely lousy, but as many on here say who have been through isolation from their P's (if that is what you choose), things do get better.

Kind regards


#2812 - 11/21/03 08:40 AM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

Hi all -

This recent burst of forum activity has been very good for me. I smile when I see new posts from my forum friends. We have gone through a lot, and the shared experience really helps to validate feelings. People who have not experienced P's intimately have no idea what we are dealing with.

When I first discovered this website (from a link on it changed my life. By reading hundreds of posts, I finally started getting answers to all the "whys" running through my head. That was the first step in a long journey toward healing. I remember the post on "the core pattern of the psychopathic personality" as hitting me in the gut. All of a sudden I understood the cycle of abuse - and knowledge is such a powerful part of the healing process. I also love seeing the progression of the folks who post here.

My internet research on Antisocial and Narcissistic personality disorders, Stockholm Syndrome, and abusive relationships in general was also extremely helpful. All that said, I still feel like I have miles to go before I get to the point where P's existence is completely insignificant to me. He got bored with trying to hurt me (or win me back) when I consistently ignored him. But ignoring him still makes me feel bad sometimes, and I'd like to get to a place where he's just like any other person that is not on my radar screen.

Dawglover, it does get easier with time and knowledge. Read, read, read. Ignore his threats, name-calling, and promises to change. He is damaged and damaging. Rebuild a joyful life without him. If he does something to interfere with your pursuit of happiness, document it and take appropriate action. Though it probably won't come to that since their words (threatening or loving) are rarely backed up by their actions.



#2813 - 11/21/03 11:39 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

Love Opened a Mortal Wound
By Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz

Love opened a mortal wound.
In agony, I worked the blade
to make it deeper. Please,
I begged, let death come quick.

Wild, distracted, sick,
I counted, counted
all the ways love hurt me.
One life, I thought--a thousand deaths.

Blow after blow, my heart
couldn't survive this beating.
Then--how can I explain it?

I came to my senses. I said,
Why do I suffer? What lover
ever had so much pleasure?

#2814 - 11/22/03 08:42 AM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

Wow. That poem really captures the feelings we have all gone through.

I used to tell my P that no person had ever treated me better - or worse - than he had. The good moments were exquisite, but the bad were horrid. And the bad so outweighed the good.

You have helped me so much. I had begun to delude myself that I could be civil to P again, but my anger was rekindled when I read your story. I must remember all the bad so I don't slip back into that state of denial where I diminish his lies, threats, and betrayals.

#2815 - 11/24/03 07:02 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

You guys know that my ex called the police on me when I confronted him about his cheating and lying.

Well, today I got an e-mail from his roommate, who expressed how hurt he was that I had lied to the police and told them that he (his roommate) had hit me and that he (again, the roommate) had a "barbed wire tattoo") on his arm.

I am in disbelief, as I respect my ex's roommate very much and have always felt that his roommate was a nice person, an honest person, and a reasonable person.

I would never file a false police report, much less make false allegations regarding my ex's roommate!

I attempted to contact the police to speak to the officer involved, and hope to obtain a copy of the report to find out what is going on. I do not want inaccurate information in police files regarding myself, my actions, or my statements - nor do I want erroneous allegations about others in any police record.

I strongly suspect that it was my EX who lied to the police.

I really don't know what to do.

I called my ex's roommate and spoke to him - telling him the same thing I am saying here. He told me that a police deputy told him that I said these things!

I am a little afraid at this point. Why would the police say such a thing?
Could my ex have given the police a phone number of another woman, who had been instructed to lie to the police? Where else would they get such an absurd story?

What should I do?


#2816 - 11/24/03 10:34 PM Re: Why does he still want to hurt me?

Hi Dawgs

Sorry you're going through such a bad time with this jerk.

The way I see it, if you like the roommate and think he's a good guy, he probably likes you too. And therefore it probably originated in him having the audacity to contradict the P when the P was slagging you off. As you know, P's can NEVER admit to being wrong, or having their judgment questioned. Thus this elaborate scheme to make you look bad so that the roommate stops respecting you.

It's unlikely that the police would have taken a report like that over the phone. Who was this 'deputy'? Is he a friend of the P's, and is he a policeman at all? Can you establish that?

Dealing with it is not likely to be easy, but you cannot let this pass, especially as he has already had the police onto you once. Firstly, you have to be the sane and logical one, all the time - it is the only way you will win in the long term. Get everything fully documented - exactly who did and said what and when and where. I would suggest you insist on seeing the officer in charge of the case and compare what has been reported against what you have documented and know to be the truth. If the roommate is enough of a friend to go with you, so much the better.

Think about seeing your local legal advice bureau, or whatever is available in this line. It may save you a lot of trouble later.

And if possible, get any anger you feel out of your system (breaking plates in the privacy of your own home is good - not a bad idea when you're going through this P stage to have a few cheap ones there just for the purpose. It feels marvellous and lets out all kinds of tensions). Writing down your feelings in a private journal is also good. For me, time with God is the best of all for getting into a sensible frame of mind, but I don't know what your beliefs are in that line. Whatever works for you, get your frustrations out - then go deal with this situation. Don't try to deal with the police etc until you have got rid of some tension, otherwise you may boil over and give them the idea that you are the hysterical nutter the P is trying to portray you as.

Keep your documentation up to date as things happen. Write them down while they are fresh in your mind. And keep copies of any emails etc.

All the best.

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