Page 1 of 21 1 2 3 ... 20 21 >
Topic Options
#284 - 08/05/02 11:38 AM When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I am curious to know when the "lightbulb" went off and you finally reaized you were dealing with a Psychopath?? Was there a particular book?, was it surfing the web? Was it something a therapist said? When was the first time the word Psychopath entered your vocabulary in describing your mate?

Thanks,
Di

Top
#285 - 08/06/02 02:05 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dianne,

Mine started with the p claiming to possibly have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), as the psychiatrist treating him suggested. I phoned a friend in New York, he immediately searched the web and sent me info regarding MPD.
MPD did not seem to describe my husband.

So I purchased "Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He's Lying" and "High Risk: Children Without a Conscience," and read them. In both I saw the p, more so in "High Risk...", yet only because it dealt specifically with Antisocial Personality Disorder. Then I checked out "Bad Boy's, Bad Men."

During all this I am horrified. It is him, exactly him. I have these books laying around. He and I openly discussed a lot of the information in them. He even read a lot of "High Risk...". Finally, he looked me in the eye and said, "I think you may be right. I may be a psychopath."

Looking back, I heard him say that and felt nothing, except relief that he admitted to what seemed to be the problem. I didn't feel scared, horrified, felt nothing at all. Just relief. I guess I stopped searching then, as we had obviously both agreed this was the problem. My mistake.

Laura



Edited by Laura (08/06/02 02:13 AM)

Top
#286 - 08/06/02 02:17 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Wow Laura, you actually told him that you thought he was a psychopath!!??? I'm just amazed that you so directly let him know. I was way too wary and paranoid to ever tell the P that. I will relate more on this topic when I'm not so tired.

Cherie

Top
#287 - 08/06/02 02:35 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cherie,

Yes, I told him. Of course, I was not afraid of him, physically, not at all. He had never lay one hand on me, or act like he would. We talked about everything our entire marriage. Everything. Nothing was taboo. Of course, I was telling the truth, he was lying. Thats why I told him. It was the truth.

Laura

Top
#288 - 08/06/02 08:42 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dianne,

My lightbulb moment occurred when I was so sick for the first time in all our years together after having out last child and he treated me so poorly and without an ounce of empathy. He repeatedly abandoned and spoke such cruel and abusive things that kept me hurt and spinning. After that everything kept sliding downhill. I was afraid of the P. I never confronted him with the knowlege that I received regarding his Psychopathy as I believe it would only have made him more abusive.

I was valildated by a Psychiatrist and then began reading books such as Bad Boys Bad Men, Without Conscience. Then I began surfing the web. When I found the Forum I really felt that I had found a place like no other. There were finally others like me to discuss and share and find validation for our unique circumstances.

Cherie

Top
#289 - 08/06/02 10:19 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Laura, I told mine that I believed he was a psychopath, too. It was actually a many years long process of flickering light bulb moments. And not much more time to write, now. Hopefully later. My p also took it well, and we had discussions, and he seemed interested in knowing more about himself, too. Although, he denied being one...the "give a crumb, grab it back" dynamic, in between interest and acceptance. And I am sure he has used this against me, as he uses everything to make me look crazy...and everyone thinks he is so wonderful...I am sure he pretends deep hurt that I actually "called him" a psychopath. While...in accordance with his skewed self perception...he accepts he is one, and it does not read to him as negative at all.

He really mystified me, a few months into our separation...he accompanied me to a meeting to support me in getting help with some hacking problems. He was bragging to the computer nerds there that I had written quite a book, and was sure to get it published, that I had come within an inch of being published previously, and THIS book was sure to be the one. He kept saying "we"...we are sure to succeed with this one...we are so close...we have been working on this for years...

I just couldn't believe it. The book is titled "Psychopath" and it is about him. He hasn't read a word of it, but he knows this much about it. He was PROUD! He was viewing the potential success of this book as HIS success! (Perhps because I have promised to share the money, which I will)

More later.

Top
#290 - 08/06/02 12:26 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


kris,

I wonder if our "lightbulb moments" are the p's delighted moments? Mine knew something was "wrong" with him. He expressed it verbally all the time. Each time he lied (when his lips moved), he would "apologize" by saying "I don't know why I lie all the time. It is a problem of mine." When he broke laws, he said, "I don't know why I did it," or "I didn't do it." That was his only variation of culpability. He practically verbally handed me the Checklist of psychopathy and gave me ample opportunity to "check" off most all of the criteria.

He had carried on so, his doing, not mine, about "going to treatment, in-patient, on his upcoming vacation from his job." That he would have to take a few weeks unpaid to go along with the paid two week vacation, but that he WAS going to go into a hospital for help, whether I liked it or not. He was admant about this. I felt he should, he was getting worse by the minute.

A big part of me was afraid he would "get well" and leave me. It was a sick relationship, I know that now. Yet he was determined to go for help.

So where was the delight in my "lightbulb moment?" In that he knew already what he was. Chances are great he had already been told, as he had been in much psychiatric care over his lifetime. When I knew, I ran out of use. The game had been in me not knowing.

I was somewhat dreading the month he would be gone, assuming it would have been an entire month for treatment. I was trying to mentally prepare to let him go for a month, maybe forever.

Only he had other ideas. When I figured it out (p), he began plannng the escape. He had to tie up loose ends, arrange for housing (her), store furniture from his apartment, dispose of a vehicle (the El Camino). He had to have funds i.e. money to pull it off. So I'm waiting for this in-patient thing to happen, he's planning on avoiding it all together. Plan A, Plan B.

His vacation was due the first week of June, 2001. He left in the wee hours June 1, 2001. Him delighted, me destroyed.

Laura


Edited by Laura (08/06/02 12:36 PM)

Top
#291 - 08/10/02 04:38 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dianne,

There was a thread in the old "Crimenews_2000" forum that relates closely to this question. In a post, someone (Kris?) mentioned an old movie where a female attorney defends a murderer and is convinced of his innocence, and later becomes married to him. Later, she is using his typewriter and realizes that this typewriter is the same one used to type a ransom note for his crime... and that he was guilty, not innocent, and that he had lied to her all along....
In the rest of that thread, several people post about their own "typewriter" moments.

If possible, it might be good to add that thread to the new site. I got alot out of it, (and for me, the word typewriter will forevermore have a double meaning!)

As for your original question in this thread... when did the word enter my vocabulary? I was reading alot of self-help, fix your relationship type of books. My husband's lying had always bothered me, but I never realized how bad it was until after we were married. This was due to my own state of denial. Two different books referred to the "exceptional liar" or the "psychopathic liar". The books were, "101 lies men tell women" and "When your lover is a liar". When I read the checklists in both of those books, the lightbulbs of recognition started going off and the word, with its correct definition, entered my consciousness. Previously, I thought it just meant an insane person. That was the beginning of awareness. For me, the beginning of acceptance and healing came when I entered this forum (then at Crimenews_2000). There were other forums that helped, but this one had the most extensive general information, as well as the sharing through posts, and was easiest format to use. I don't like the email list format, nor the archives that are sent out by some other P websites. But when I need some strength in dealing with it, I go to any and all sites that are online. That is how much it helps to be able to draw from the strength that others share, and even to draw strength from the weaknesses that they share, because just by reading their posts, in my own weakness I am no longer alone. That is not a case of "misery loves company", it is a case of "Thank GOD now I know I'm not nuts! Someone else out there has lived through exactly the same crazymaking experience!"

For his part, my P alluded to a problem, but I don't think he knew the word for it. He said things like, "You don't know me, I am a demon," and he would lower his eyes and shake his head. He told me that he had done horrible things, but never would elaborate. Sometimes I saw his depression from realizing that many people were angry with him, but he could not understand why (lack of empathy). A long time ago, a mutual friend hit that nail on the head when she told him he had no empathy.
When I remember him asking, "Why is everybody angry with me?" and him being so puzzled and saddened by it all, I truly feel sad for him and for all he is missing by not being able to empathize/understand other peoples' feelings, nor able to communicate any subtleties of his own emotions. So many misunderstandings, conflicts, arguements, and overall unpleasant times could have been avoided if he only had a clue on about what other people felt, and about how his own actions and words got him into some messes.

If I had been a better spouse, or more aware at the moment he asked that, I might have asked what he meant and tried to help him figure it out.
As it was, I just held him.

-Leti

PS Somewhere, a researcher wrote about Ps' lack of "emotional memory" as the cause for their inability to empathize and inablility to remember how they felt in a given situation. I think that this is a key part that was missing for my P. Right now, I don't feel good calling him a "P". I just feel sadness for him.


Edited by Leti (08/10/02 05:37 AM)

Top
#292 - 08/10/02 05:57 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
I have had lightbulb moments at different stages in my leaving him and acceptance of his being a Psychopath. When I read on the internet about the signs/red flags of abuse, several weeks before I left him, a lightbulb went off, even though I hid my eyes. When he started to get more physical with me and started to hurt me a huge red lightbulb went off. Within a day of the last time he hurt me, he said something inappropriate to my daughter and her friend. I knew then I was going to back away (I was not ready to leave him) and told him the next morning over the phone because I was too afraid to tell him in person. After I left, when I called his ex wife for the first time, the lightbulb went on and stayed on. I started to know the awful truth then. His sister told me even more and the lightbulb just got brighter. The final huge lightbulb moment was the day in our Psychopath chat when someone gently told me in response to my question about a psychopath getting psychiatric help, that there was no helping them, that many times that type of help made them worse. The realization was difficult, but the light of truth has shown brightly since.

Neverthesame

Top
#294 - 08/12/02 03:04 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Laura,

They just love to have something wrong with them, that can be perceived by the world to be a disability of some kind. They don't think things right through though. They are a variation in that sense of the guy who can't work because he has a sore back, and a few days later you see him in a local disco giving it stick on the dance floor.

My dear ex brother in law claimed to me when he was nineteen that he was going to go blind. It was persuasive to me at the time because he couldn't hit a barn door with a frying pan - Gosh, it just this second occurs to me that he did get his marksman's rating.... how did that come about? Anyway he was going to go blind. Thirty five years later he's doing just fine at the last report.

This guy could tell lies to his best pal that just anyone wouldn't believe....... It just never occurred to me that he was lying. And if you caught him out- unintentionally of course - and ask for an explanation, he would look mysterious and say something profound like "I think so and so could tell you more..". Just lying. But oh! The look on the face! Precious!

His sister, my dear ex wife is also one of the world's greatest at lying. Total clam up. I forget. I don't know. You're paranoid. The best was sudden shouting in a public place, which she knew very well embarrassed the hell out of me in front of other diners. The last time she ever did that I just smirked at her. That promptly drove her banannas and she took a swipe at me with a big glove which did rather hurt. Her antics of course did attract attention in that crowded public place and she trumped out, returning a few minutes later to let out a stream of curses. Oh dear me, the mask slipped right off then. By this time I had realised what I had failed to see for twenty odd years - it didn't matter a fig what anyone else thought, and that she was so easy to defeat.

Those people were mad. The lightbulb was discovering the concept of psychopathy and antisocials. The realisation that lying is an extremely serious symptom. Not lying to get out of a jam maybe, but a constructive process of lying, completely unnecessarily, for a destructive purpose.
Planning a theft is to plan the lies. Smashing stuff behind someones back is lying. Cheating on a spouse is lying first and foremost. Character assassination is lying. Liars are detestable. Unfortunately, liars like my dear ex wife and her brother are just the sort who would sail through a polygraph without a blip.

Top
Page 1 of 21 1 2 3 ... 20 21 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.