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#12358 - 11/24/11 05:27 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Aurelia]
SonOfaPsychopath Offline
member

Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 29
Originally Posted By: Aurelia
[quote=JamesWQ]

But you see, the thing with me was that when I saw/met someone who seemed troubled, I thought the same. I thought they
were just troubled, misguided.

So, what I've noticed is a lot of people who get into these types of relationships are people who tend to have this same sort of wishful thinking. It's what makes us sitting ducks. Our lack of awareness makes us easy prey.

The very fact that I couldn't see or understand anything was also my red flag, which helped me get out.



I second these thoughts and have been thinking them myself....

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#12655 - 02/02/12 08:05 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
lanvin Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/12
Posts: 3
There were several redflags. But this flag was red, flashing and screaming WAKE UP.

I had left work earlier and I thought to surprise him and have lunch together, so I drove to his work - he'd been working in a lawfirm as a lawer for 4 months. As soon as I arrived in the building, I called him and I asked him where he was. He said: I'm at work. I said: yay! I'm downstairs, come here.

He hung up immediately and turned off his cell. I was calling him non stop and 40 mins later the psycho shows up and says he was in the bathroom. Then after he realized I wasn't that stupid, he changed the story (that seems to be a common psycho behavior): I worked in this lawfirm for a while, but my boss didn't pay me so I went back to my old job, I wish I felt comfortable to share these things with you but you're so judgmental bla bla bla - he went on on how he cannot trust and rely on me.

And that's how it suddenly becomes my fault. He has a post PhD in twisting the situation.

When he left, I asked the security and doorman where was this lawfirm. They said there wasn't any lawfirm in that building. I sneaked in the emergency stairs and I walked through each floor, looked on every door. Then I researched on the internet. It didn't exist. He made up the firm, his boss' name, his colleagues' name, his intern's name, even told me about some of their cases.

The final straw was when I found out he wasn't a lawer after all. This time I had proof. I still gave him a last chance to come clean and tell me the truth, but he kept on insisting, I asked 10 times, I said I knew the truth, and he swore on his mother's life he didn't lie... When I confronted him with the proof, he changed the story again and again. When there was no possible way out he started crying and saying how embarassed he was, but how could he tell me, if I judged him so much?

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#12683 - 02/15/12 12:38 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: lanvin]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
Hi this is my first post here.

It has been a few months since I went no contact with my psychopath bf who I have been seeing irl for 3 years after an online relationship. I have always known he was "different" (an understatement I know!) but his manipulative ways have always left me thinking I was harsh or crazy myself. It has basically always been a roller-coaster relationship and he has always been impressed with himself that my both my saddest and happiest moments in life have been caused by him.

A few years ago I looked through DSM-IV and although he could probably fit into a few diagnoses, well...even normal people could, so I have always just given him the benefit of the doubt...a diagnosis doesn't really help in day to day managing someone, after years you get to know you are stepping on eggshells and what he says today will mean nothing tomorrow.

My real lightbulb moment came when i stumbled on a Psychopath. support group online after googling his behaviour. After walking out on him on a holiday when I just couldn't cope with his sexual and verbal abuse for another second (one of his real mask slip days) I just needed to find out what the hell was wrong with this guy who had me wrapped around his little finger. The description and similarities in people's stories are just so eerily like mine, reading other people's experiences and feelings is like reading my life. The charm that pulls me to him, the extreme manipulation of my thoughts and actions, controlling my life (what I eat, wear, who I see and my work), the sexual addiction and perversions, the nastiness, lies, double life...everything.

I have gone no contact before and he has drawn me back. It has been 8weeks now, I'm feeling quite strong, really like I finally can see all the ways he has used and manipulated me, but I still miss him. If he comes calling, I'm not 100% sure I won't get back on that trainride to nowhere good again. Your stories keep me focused on the evil that he is and stop my remembering that time waaaay back when he seemed to be a really charming guy. Even in the short time since I left I feel like I am myself again finally. The world is becoming clear instead of what seemed like a fog of confusion. I have started some of the interests I had years ago, feel OK about making some new friends, can get a good night sleep and no longer feel guilty about every single little choice I make, my life is about me and my kids instead of being 100% about someone else's needs. But a part of me still wants him back. When is that going to go away...intellectually I know it is insane to even contemplate...why won't my heart listen too?

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#12687 - 02/17/12 12:24 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: NotCrzy]
skybluepaint Offline
member

Registered: 02/05/11
Posts: 100
"But a part of me still wants him back. When is that going to go away...intellectually I know it is insane to even contemplate...why won't my heart listen too?"

I think it is specifically because of the fact you shared your highest highs and lowest lows with him. For those of us who tend to be a bit idealistic, always try to see the good in someone, and who become addicted to helping and loving a person our gut told us was pretty messed up in the beginning, but we wanted to believe that they were just a bit odd or a troubled soul we could help, it is hard to let go of the sweet person we thought we knew. It is REALLY hard to come to terms with the fact that it was a facade.

My psychopath's mask didn't slip until the end, when she cheated on me and stared at me with dark, black eyes and a sudden, eerie admission of "you don't know my dark side." It was really frightening, like I was seeing her for the first time. When I asked her what about all that other stuff.. the love I thought we had shared, she said, "That's when I am at my best." Its as simple as that. All we see is their best and excuse their faults, which is somewhat normal in any relationship since we all have faults. But for them, being at their best is not who they are at their core. It is hard for them to keep up that mask, that act, and it IS all an act. They are exceptionally bright, astute observers of human behavior. They figure out what you like, who you are, and give you exactly what you want until one day they find someone else to use who has something they want more. Then, they tell you, "it was all a game." Psychopaths operate according to game theory, and they will always win. You will always lose.

The good news is you are refinding yourself again. I can't tell you that it gets easier, letting go of those good memories. It still hurts me today, and I haven't talked to the psychopath for a year. And I still sometimes ruminate that maybe I could've done things differently, made it work. There most definitely were things I could've done differently, but no matter what... their mask will always slip.

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#12790 - 03/10/12 06:36 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: skybluepaint]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
I so much wish I had done things differently, I miss him so much, but when I try to be specific about what I miss, well....what
I miss just vanishes, because all the specifics became ugly, horrible, lonely times/experiences for me. The things I miss just became no longer real.

I can relate to what your psychopath said to you skybluepaint. Mine said much the same thing a few times - he told me "you are in love with a fantasy, and it doesn't include who I really am".

I don't think I am ready to fully agree with him. Maybe I was in love with a fantasy he created, but even when his mask slipped, I still loved him. I do still love him, I just see that as a futile and self-destructive course when there is no "good" side to him. Maybe I am just in love with a memory of his false-self and he is totally right. His comment suggests he has some insight into his behaviour, including the fantasy-self he portrayed to hook me and when he wants something from me.

Anyway, I just miss him so much. I just wish things were different and he was normal.

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#12791 - 03/10/12 03:19 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: NotCrzy]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
notcrzy, It is most normal what you are feeling!
Love is love. Its irrational.
We all loved those who hurt us and we saw that clear. But its not your fault to love somebody you think is human.
Ive had the hardest time, until I found out who a Psychopath. really is.

No normal human being can comprehend this. I still dont think I do. I can relate to what is clear and cannot be denied but it is impossible for us to understand what Psychopath have in their heads.
I try to think of them as "talking" animals. Just that.

It is sad, coz the love you had was true. Him being a Psychopath doesnt make YOUR feelings any less real.

And as with all feelings of love and loss - you cannot switch them off, hide them away. You can only put them on someone else. I would suggest starting with yourself coz thats where they're gonna go eventually.

You need to love yourself first. Understand, that even though he was an important part of your life, he was NOT you.
All your feelings, the good ones, they were about you. The truth is, a Psychopath senses what you need to hear and tells it to you. All of these words are fake to him but also all of them are true of you. It is what you are. You are special, magical, one in the world.

The thing is he DID tell you the truth, only he wasnt human enough to understand.

I have the most respect for any of you here. Whoever you are.
Because YOU ACT. You do. You dont listen to those people telling you "let it all go". Because you dig, you search for answers. Because you want to make a change.

That's important to maybe 1% of all the people in the world, you know. But it matters. Because it is US who are strong enough to stand up and tell the truth.

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#12816 - 03/17/12 07:10 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
Lilla Offline
member

Registered: 03/10/12
Posts: 3
Hello everyone..

My lightbulb moment was when my husband drugged me by putting a designerdrug in my drink one saturday evening. Our kids were at home sleeping, and I hoped and prayed they wouldn't wake up. I focused on "grounding" myself while watching my Psychopath tripping, it was surreal... I had no contact with my feelings whatsoever, but KNEW I was furious with him. I also told him I was furious, and that I didn't feel any emotions. "Now you know how it's like for me", he replied.

This is my first post, I shake as I write this. I really don't want to think about it even. My stomach turns..

It was the day after I told him he couldn't come back home when he got home from work abroad next time. I think that was what made him do it. I praised him for not getting angry when we talked the night before. I noticed my arms and feet feeling "strange", but blaimed it on the (one!) drink...

It was terrible.., diffecult to express in English. The next day I asked my sister if I "overreacted", she said "get away", but I had to wait for him to leave...(works abroad 14d at a time). I needed "room" to make a plan, collect myself and find strength to DO it (make him leave).

I dare not tell all the details (he's a hacker/cracker), I'm afraid he might get into my emailaccount.

I'm a teacher, a mother, an intelligent strong woman, but I feel so ashamed of all the things I put up with for years. The red flags were there, but I blamed them on earlier subst.abuse. Little did I know that his diagnosed dyssocial PD is the same as psychopat in the "old" system. He didn't show his REAL self until we married two years ago...

Thank God I found this Forum, you guys really helps me understand and advice on how to cope...

L

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#12818 - 03/17/12 11:50 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Lilla]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi Lilla, welcome to our community, please try to not be hard on yourself, you are a kind and caring person and that is the type they target.

I think your sister gave you some very wise advise, you need to really get a real plan in order to escape safely, and safely is the key here. It sounds like your sister has been on to him.

You are more than welcome to open a discussion thread about your situation so we can help support you and offer what advise we can to help you in any way possible.

Knowledge is where your power will be and a plan is critical to making the next move. Can you go live with your sister while you work out a plan and be safe while doing so?

Di

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#12828 - 03/18/12 06:31 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Dianne E.]
Lilla Offline
member

Registered: 03/10/12
Posts: 3
Thank you for your kind words, DI!:)

I have went through with my plan. I waited for 6 days until he left offshore for a 14d workperiod. Here is how I did it:
-called his sister to tell her what he did (the last drop), and that I wouldn't let him back into my house
-called the police and asked if I could have a violencealarm (direct link to district alarmcentral)
- told some people I could trust (very few, closest family)
-told Psychopath, when he called from work. I was extremely nervous, but knew I was safe until he came back on dry land again.. He asked my "what was the last nail in the coffin"? I told him "you drugged me"! His reply was "oh, but I knew you wouldn't die, it's not illegeal"...trying to convince me of being hysterical (crazymaking). It is illegeal, but one cant be prossecuted for ordering it on the Internet, because they've changed the molecules a little bit. It has the same effect as Ketamine? (he said) but is not yet on the illegeal druglist in this particular country...
-I made apt for mediation, so I could file for divorce.

Now it is two weeks since he was back from work. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety, my mind is spinning all the time. Psychopath switches between angry, thretening behaviour when noone is around, and sad martyrlike attitude whwn there are people around. Psychopath is very aware of his fasade, and terrefied of anyone knowing this (or more). Also if I tell what has REALLY been going on behind closed doors, he will be incarsorated, loose his job and blow his "newbuilt" reputation totally. He shaped up for a few years, but since we married two years ago it has been all downhill...

He has all the Hare signs of Psychopath disorder, and also admits he doesn't feel guilty for his criminal/bad actions, even the most serious ones from before I met him. I made him my "save project" and loved him deeply, but that person is gone, was never there, a false self?

I have to see him tomorrow, in a second mediator meeting about our child... I am scared to tell the truth, he has told me straight out that he will make my life a "living h..." and "if you..., I'll kill you".

Thank you for listening to my silent screams! You give me hope that there might be light...

L

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#12836 - 03/19/12 10:21 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Lilla]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi Lilla, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Many times over the years the reason the Psychopath wins in a court situation is because the victim is hysterical from all the abuse. Please do your best to remain as calm as possible so he won't be seen as the rational one in the picture.

I just saw a show about the drugs that are being sold that are legal and the people are one step ahead of the authorities. I don't however think it is legal to give them to someone against their will or wishes. I would lay low on that one since you can't really prove it.

If you aren't already please keep a journal and record whatever the law allows where you are. If you want I can move these posts to your own thread if you would like to.

Di

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