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#16341 - 04/26/14 12:07 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Nolongerblind]
starburst Offline
member

Registered: 04/13/14
Posts: 23
I did not know at the time but I guess my light bulb moment occurred about a month into the marriage when she was about to walk out the door for work and she was not wearing any panties under her dress. she quickly said, she forgot and went back to he bedroom and put some on.

there were light bulb moments and red flags constantly throughout the marriage and had I discovered or at least had some knowledge of her condition (or that such an animal even existed) before she had began her devalue phase of me I could have saved myself a ton of grief and misery. its one of the main reasons I want to figure out a way to make more "normals" understand just how bad these people are and how they can ruin your life.

there is just not enough information out there to help people be aware so that when these light bulb moments happened and red flags are being raised....people can at least have a clue what they MAY be dealing with

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#16368 - 05/18/14 08:53 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
DanaD Offline
member

Registered: 05/17/14
Posts: 4
Mine has been recent. The psychopath in my life is my own sibling. My sister. It occurred with the threat of taking one of her possessions away, her 15 year old son. After reviewing her life history for a few days, seeing the havoc she has wrought on her childrens lives, her own life, the lightbulb went on and I started reading everything I could get my hands on about psychopaths. Chillingly classic behaviors, though she is non violent. Just does that gaslighting for manipulation, blackmail--or attempts at it--and playing the victim role and blaming everyone but herself for her own misery in her life.

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#16370 - 05/19/14 09:05 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
DanaD Offline
member

Registered: 05/17/14
Posts: 4
New to the forum but finding so many parallels with my sisters behavior. I finally got it when my S/O and I had to intervene and get my nephew removed from her clutches. I realize now my Mom is a psychopath, too. I realize that growing up with a brain injury I felt like I was the one who was off, even though eventually I saw my mothers' problems. I was still "less than" my sister, my mother, anyone..really. My self esteem was very low and I was depressed and anxious all the time due to the way brain injury affects brain chemistry..however now see that my Mom preyed on and enjoyed my disability and as my S/O has said, I was the saner and more balanced of my family..though I most certainly have my struggles due to brain injury and also affected by my early environment.


One of the things I wondered about was my sisters uncleanliness. My Mom, is fairly neat. My sisters households, the classic "Psychopath", are environmental haazards. Cat pee on floor, papers and food everywhere and all her apartments have either needed repainting and recarpeting or in one case, actual fumigating!

In that instance she had been drinking heavily while living there and got double pneumonia and went into a 2 month coma. My brother helped remove her stuff from the house but some stuff was left that she wanted. However, the landlords took it as payback for the damage she did and she raged about how they stole her stuff. Although, never heard that they took it due to the mess she left the place in, am quite sure they justified it that way and I view it as understandable.

It was on that note of the squalor, lack of food in house, her disappearing and leaving my nephew at home alone (15 years old) without him knowing where she was, her being passed out drunk lying in her own poo with poo smeared on light switches, that my S/O, daughter and I stepped in to let my daughter have her cousin join she and her husband.

I could not take him in due to being in senior community.

Her drinking now seems to have caught up with her and although she lobbed hard at me and got my family to cut me off, even cutting me out of their will, am sure they no longer believe her, either and are beginning to be sorry they handled us as they did..or at least my Dad is. My Mom was after some means to get at my S/O which was through getting my Dad to turn on me. Another classic "Psychopath" move..anyway, I do not think she will be doing so much harm to any of us now. Her brain seems to be going based on the VM she is leaving for my nephew. (We are keeping all those messages and since they are VM and not us recording can be used if she actually has it in her to go to court to prove she is a fit mother..but dont think she has it in her now to fight and fabricate in ways anyone will believe any longer. None of her VM as lucid enough and they even showed her vengefull, self absorbed, Psychopath side at first, but now she has lost her smugness and realizes her son does not want to come back to her and she has lost control and it sounds like she may even hallucinate. Could be she is actually trying to detox from her binge drinking as a couple of things she talks about sound very random, dont make sense, maybe hallucinating?

Anyway, am glad to have found this community. It verifies so much. Sad forum to have to come together under, but glad to have it.

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#16518 - 01/19/15 09:11 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
thepatsysclown Offline
member

Registered: 01/19/15
Posts: 2
after many years of chaos and confusion and getting blamed and reading reading trying to understand, one day my mother texted back exactly the same thing I texted her, my asking "why is my sister sending me ugly texts" she replied "why are you sending me ugly texts" within seconds!

some reason after all the years of trying to understand, it hit me and I was shocked when she did that, of course the reason, once again, i was getting ugly texts was because my mother lied to my sister, or spun a story and as usual I'm to blame for something they screwed up to start with

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#16572 - 05/07/15 11:18 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
Alice Offline
member

Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 4
Loc: United Kingdom
A few days ago, definitively. I'm still reeling. I always 'knew'. But now I really know. Actually I think I really knew when we first met, I've just been in denial for 5 years. I am an intelligent, sensitive, highly aware person. He's gorgeous, charming, intense, seductive, so so sexy, funny, very affectionate, generous, caring, sensitive... and, angry, criticising, lying, cheating, denying (even when there is evidence!!! What's that about?!?!). He's so smooth. And I'm so hooked. He's had all my money (250k), and I gave it all happily. And now...This is the first time I've ever really had to confront the truth about him, and I'm still in shock. Even though I knew. I can barely breathe, or write. This is my first step.

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#16573 - 05/12/15 06:56 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Alice]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Alice, welcome to our community. When you are comfortable you might share your story. Many times writing things down can help with the healing process.

Di

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#16576 - 05/15/15 03:59 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Dianne E.]
Alice Offline
member

Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 4
Loc: United Kingdom
Thanks Diane. I am still pretty numbed out, deeply shocked to find myself unable to end the relationship despite so much pain. I genuinely don't understand why I feel so 'addicted' to him - the pain of ending the relationship seems worse than the pain of staying in it, and I feel trapped between those two places.

In reconnecting with him, I have become my own worst enemy, which in some ways is more of a betrayal than anything he can say or do to hurt me. In my head, everything is logical, I know I have to get out. But there is an overwhelming physical panic that consumes me when I contemplate ending our relationship, and right now I don't feel strong enough to cope with the fallout. So we are pretending, or at least I am, that everything is ok. As far as he is concerned, his latest victim (I feel sorry for her) is irrelevant and he is still in denial about his unfaithfulness. As he (rightly?) says, we wouldn't even be having this 'problem' if I hadn't discovered their email exchanges. So my feelings are my problem, and as long as I keep them out of sight then he 'rewards' me with his affection. That's in between long critical rants about everything I say and do, which I take on the chin (how very British). If I let him rant he eventually comes round to being 'loving' again, playing power games to re-establish his dominance and fuel his insatiable ego. And so it goes on...

He's now talking about wanting to get married, which just seems bizarre in the context of what's going on. But it seems he is also addicted to having me around, and I guess he sees that as a way of locking me in. He is very believable in his declarations of love. When I am close to him, everything in me says 'yes' to being with him forever, no matter what that looks like. I know how utterly ridiculous that sounds, but it is how I feel. So my real problem is me, not him. I feel so raw on the inside, and right now the only thing that makes me feel better is feeling him close to me, my heart just melts and I surrender to the illusion that it will all be ok.

I have booked an appointment with a therapist this weekend, hoping that this will help me to find a way forward from this painful place.

Thank you for this forum, and for all those who share so openly here. It has given me hope. I am very much a 'work in progress', and feel grateful for this one place where I can tell the truth, however ugly or absurd it may be, and not be judged or made wrong.

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#16577 - 05/15/15 07:15 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Alice]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Alice, what you are going through is quite typical. I am very pleased that you are seeking help. If you want to know what your future with him may be like I can assure you it won't be a pretty picture. Most people after extended contact like marriage or long term relationships end up with immune system issues, the body can only take the stress for so long. And if you want to get a picture of what life would be like read stories of people here who have had children with these people. If you picture life in hell imaging bringing a child into the equation. That ties you to him forever in many regards.

I would suggest you consider working on boundary issues. That appears to be the main reason why victims make the choice to stay.

I understand and if you would like to open a thread to talk more about your situation, please do there is something about writing your thoughts that helps get a clear picture about what to do. It can have amazing results when you read your own words.

Di

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#16578 - 05/15/15 08:52 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Dianne E.]
Alice Offline
member

Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 4
Loc: United Kingdom
Thanks Di, appreciate your sobering response. Not sure how to open a 'thread'? I would like to stay connected and communicating...

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#16579 - 05/16/15 08:36 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Alice]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Alice, if you look at the top you will see a button for "New Topic".

Di

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