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#295 - 08/13/02 06:09 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?
Survivor Offline

Registered: 03/23/06
Posts: 12

My lightbulb first started glowing when the p and I had an argument in which he demeaned me viciously as never before. Even at the time I remember thinking that he was projecting his own traits onto me cause none of what he said fit my perception of me. The kicker was when he called me worthless, a nothing with no friends (he has no friends), a waste of life. All the while he was pounding on the door blocking my escape from the tirade (which lasted about an hour) I knew at that moment that he was mentally ill as well as being abusive but I did not think p.

The real lightbulb was when I was in the midst of writing a scathing email to him berating him for going to Hawaii with his latest target while I was applying for welfare and food stamps due to his complete abandonment of me and our daughter. In that email I told him he had better 'grow a conscience'. When I reread it at a calmer moment a beacon of light came to me: He has no conscience. I also remember calling him a "psycho" during his tirades. It wasn't long until I put together his string of abusive relationships before me, his projections, his lack of conscience, my feeling that he was a psycho and con man all neatly summed up in the term psychopath. I read alot of books on abusive relationships but even that didn't point me toward p. It was a gradual "AH HA" process...


#296 - 08/17/02 02:15 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

My "lightbulb moment came" after talking to a psychiatric nurse that he had been seeing confirmed it to me. He had left the family after his lies and theft started to catch up with him. About a month after he left I received a message from the local hospital saying that someone was looking for him and left a number. Totally by fate, did this hospital operator decide to take it upon herself to realy a message from this person. They had his number on file because we had had a baby 7 months prior and our records were on file. I called this person and it turned out that he had been having an affair with her for about 10 months. After talking to her and finding out that he had taken money from her and promised her the world along with grandeous stories of his life, stories that seem absolutely ridiculous to me now, but also stories I had fallen prey to. We talked everyday for hours on the phone discussing and confirming things. Every lie seemed to have an element of truth. She got on the internet and started searching for things about personality disorders and so did I, we both came across discriptions of psychopaths and emailed the information to each other. If someone was standing right infront of him they could not have described him any better. The next day I contacted the mental health clinic which he said he had been going to. I was surprised to find out that he had actually gone and the nurse there confirmed to me that she had diagnosed him with psychopatic personality disorder. What a relief to know that I finally knew what was wrong with him. When I confronted him with it he didn't react at all except that he was angry that the nurse had discussed it with me.

#297 - 08/29/02 06:16 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

08/29/02 05:53 PM

When was your lightbulb moment?

Hello everyone:
I started searching the internet many months ago looking for info on "pathological liars" for the young man my daughter was dating just seemed "too good to be true". After reading many of the post on this site, it became apparent to me that she was dating a P. I could, and can, see him exactly in a lot of the posts. It is like all P's are cut from the same mold. The lies, lies, and lies were rampant. 23years old and claimed to have a college degree, Army Ranger, CIA agent, wealthy from a trust fund, owned 2 cars-but never saw them, claimed to have $40,000 income but never had any money, wanted to marry my daughter after knowing her less than a month, but didn't want his family to know. NOTHING added up. Investigating led me to find out that the lies were definetly lies. After going over Dr. Hare's list of psychopath characteristics-he matched up with every single one. He stoled my daughters ATM card and withdrew a very large sum of money at several ATM machines, he was offended when we accussed him and told him we wanted the money back, he has written numerous checks on closed accounts and has never shown any remorse or guilt for his actions. He always built himself up to be a super God, claimed his parents were abusive, refered to his "buddies" and friends yet they were never available to meet. I would have to say that watching the movie "A Beautiful Mind" also made me sit back and think "that is so much like_____". The charm of this young man was so powerful plus the fact that our natural instinct is to trust people, that it was many months before we even suspected who or what we were dealing with.

#298 - 08/30/02 07:02 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?


I suppose that you and your daughter had a lucky escape.

I bet those two previous wives would have a tale or two to tell.

I wonder about the fellow's parents- I mean, being so charming, he must have been well brought up. I wonder if there is one parent who is distraught about him, and the other doesn't give a stuff in demonstrable terms. Imagine being the parent that cares.

I read about the percentages of these people, 4% / 1% male female, and I don't believe it. Genders are a mirror, like the population, and I think the females don't get recognised or called to account because of the importantly different way they have to operate.

But I do know a lot of men, that's a fact, who conform to the profile very very well indeed. Lying, even when they know you know they are lying. It is so distressing. But to have one as a son........

Sometimes I think that I am over it, and make brave declarations to my present wife and my daughter accordingly. "I'm finished with all the bulls---" I say. Unfortunately I am not, apparently.

Best regards

#299 - 08/30/02 08:11 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

Hi BonnyR,

You wrote:
"Genders are a mirror, like the population, and I think the females don't get recognised or called to account because of the importantly different way they have to operate."

I agree. Yes, I have encountered females that display no conscience and no empathy (unfortunately). And who use deceit and manipulation behind a pleasing mask to gain control. That oftentimes very "passive aggressive" or "histrionic" behavior can get overlooked and enabled very easily. Probably many other behaviors, too. I appeciate your bringing up the topic.

As regards your son, I will reply on the Family Forum.


#300 - 08/30/02 02:03 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

Yes my daughter, myself, and the whole family were fortunate enough to have a lucky escape. She fortunately now lives a very happy life with a husband who is truthful, truly loving and extremely honest. I am sure the two previous wives have many a tail to tell!! The second wife has a young child from the P. That ex wife took all parental rights away from him at the time of the divorce and I know that the first wife did everything in her power to get her "maiden" name back. As for his upbringing-I know that the father left the family when the P was 12 and moved to another city in the same state to work. 12 years later he is still in contact with the family through periodic visitations and still married to the mother.They are a low middle to low class family, no college background. It became apparent that his charm was all a fake front for our behalf since we are a well educated family that is upper middle class. He became someone he really wasn't to fit in with us. He was extremely good at "changing roles". The P held a great hatred for his father and never cared to be in contact with him. The P lived with the mother after getting discharged from the army and was living with her at the time he met my daughter. We never did really figure out what kind of relationship there was between the P and the parents. He always made then sound like non caring, abusive people, but what my daughter witnessed the ONE time she was with the whole family, they all seemed very caring and stated they wished he was around more. We still wonder if they are even aware that he is a P. I came to the conclusion that he isolated himself from the family so that he could "carry out" his cons, deceits, and manipulations without them knowing. The P told me himself that he never shared anything with them regarding his life. To this day we still wonder if the family ever knew about his first marriage. We know that they knew about the second. How difficult it must be for a parent to be excluded from your child's life either due to their choosing or yours, but it must be necessary at times so one can maintain their own well being and health. I know what you mean about dealing with the lies being distressing. This young man was not my son, although at one point I thought he was going to be my son in law, and maintaining a relationship with him after the break up was emotionally and physically draining. You so want to help, but there is no getting through that brick wall.

#301 - 12/01/02 08:28 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

The lightbulb moment for me was when he said that he hated his parents. i never thought before that there is a difference between having normal conflicts with parents and hating your parent when you are a man of 45 years old.

#302 - 12/01/02 09:12 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

It took a big one for me to wake up!

I almost lost my life. . .


#303 - 12/01/02 09:50 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

3 years ago my brother-in-law's counselor whom i shared everything about my life, she even met my p and she told me that he was a p and there is nothing you can do for him
i was thinking that there was something wrong and he could take a pill or something but her diagnosis did not stick to my ribs i kept thinking about a pill he could take and even suggested to him to see a counselor and he thought i wanted to have him put away
he does say that he hates his mom and was living with her and she is a nice person i met her many time he would get violent with her for ridiculous reason she had to call the police on him many times and he would say that he doesn't understand why people are giving him a hard time he was violent to all his other girlfriends some have restraining order
he says that too that he has beaucoup money
he acts poor to see who really love him
and after he gets married he will get the money out

until for some unknown reason a few weeks ago i was looking up the word p on the net and found all these information and the light came on and then it finally hit me and found this group and read the book and i did send him some information about what a p is but not your group testimony and he wrote back (from the prison)that he wants to change but i heard that many time before
after reading everything in your group i decided to get the paper for a restraining order
he was violent with me the last 2 times we saw each other
in public and in private
so after reading you all i decided that i have to make the right decision and i met with the battered women and they told me to wait until he gets out of jail and if he trys to hurt me to call them and they will help me with the paper work
and since i read you advice NO CONTACT i stopped writing him, i stopped visiting him
he called one of our friend asking why my no show
and i don't want to talk to him because he will try to convince me that he loves me and i know it is a lie

we would be in public at a restaurant and he would tell the waitress ain't the wedding ring i showed you beautiful and the girl woul say what?
and there is no ring it is just talking an

i feel sorry for him because i feel that he was born like that and he cannot help it to be the way he is

i remember telling him how he sounds like he does not have a conscience and he cannot stop lying even if he wanted to stop.

my husband and i used to be in a christian community and would help people and now it is so clear to me that we were running into quite a few ps trying to help them out

the days are getting closer for him to get out

#304 - 12/02/02 01:19 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment?

My lightbulb moment - I was sitting in my office, nothing really going on, and the P. walked by so smuggly and with a type of body language and walk as if he was "IT" and he new it. So secure in who he was and what he was about, too into himself it made me sick. I realized right then and there that I was not happy at that office, so why was I there, then I started to cry. And I got up left my office and came back a couple days later to remove everything from my office. I had threaten many times before, moving home only parts of my office only to return to try it all again. This time I really really left. It has now been 2 months exactly. I really was done. And I hope I never ever feel the need to go try out that crazy way of living again. It is very painful to let go of a dream, of a way of working, no matter how sick I now know it to have been.
This forum has been such a lifesaver, in more ways then one. I come here to read posts as often as I can, to just stay grounded. I don't want to go back, where I was, ever again. And I pray I will have the inner strength to fight off any desire to have that sick P. feel my emotional needs. He does keep me holding on if even just a little tiny tiny bit. Betterway

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