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#16583 - 05/21/15 11:38 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
DancingSara Offline
member

Registered: 05/21/15
Posts: 4
Loc: West Coast, United States
My lightbulb moment was the day that I realized that I could actually predict his swing from Dr. Jeckyll to Mr. Hyde. I feel horrible admitting that because it sounds terrible. But it finally dawned on me one day. I thought "He's been like this one personality or in this certain particular 'mood', if I just wait x amount of time, he will come back in the room and behave a completely different way" (but a way that I observed time and time again.) But I didn't see this until five years into a marraige with him (and we had dated two years before we got married!) Anyway, it was like clockwork. He came up the stairs at the alotted time and was in the Mr. Hyde mask, I guess, for lack of a better way to say it.

I have been divorced from him for three years and have not told anyone this. I am fearful of saying all of this because I worry that it makes ME look crazy. I am not one for taking another person's inventory. I feel that my intuition was beginning to scream at me when the lightbulb came on. I was not a dimwit when I met him, dated him, etc. In fact, I was keeping my eyes wide open. But as wide as my eyes were, I could not have expected such a person as him. I have dated and was married once before, I'm not naive. But this guy, he was no garden variety person and neither was the relationship. This is why I never discuss what happened with him with anyone. I dont know of another person in my circle who would truly understand what I went through. So for me to write here, is very anxiety-inducing.

Anyway, after that, things started to crumble faster and faster. Ugh, it's such a long story.
But thank you for asking such a thought-provoking question. I had been waiting for the right thing to nudge me in to processing my life with the alien-vampire-gypsy-pirate wannabe.....

I forgot to mention something. At the time when I realized he was a Dr Jekyll-Mr. Hyde, it just came to me out of nowhere. I didnt question that or why I'd call him that. And I would certainly never tell anyone in my family or my friends such a thing...they'd laugh at me!

And to finish answering your question, the word "psychopath" came in to my world because I have spent the past three years searching for understanding and I think that I was looking up Narcissists online and ran across Psychopaths in the process. (His mother and brother are extremely narcissistic). THAT gave me hours and hours of reading on forums and such and then I found this site.


Edited by DancingSara (05/21/15 11:48 PM)
_________________________
Sara

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#16604 - 07/05/15 04:54 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Dianne E.]
Alice Offline
member

Registered: 05/07/15
Posts: 4
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi Diane, I am still a work in progress. Going round in circles, but they are getting smaller and I think I am closer to escaping and reclaiming my life. Although I have not posted in the last few weeks, I visit the forum regularly and am really grateful to all who share and make it easier for me to see the light in my own situation.

The counselling has helped, but only as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. My counsellor does not really get the whole psychopath thing, I'm sure she thinks I'm being overly dramatic about his behaviours. I haven't told her the half of it, it all sounds so crazy! But I am not seeing her to 'prove' that he's 'wrong', I don't need that confirmation. I just need to get past whatever it is that holds me in this toxic relationship. I have been feeling very vulnerable, driven to distraction by his infidelity but trying to push past that in the hope that maybe he wouldn't repeat his indiscretions. He certainly made quite an effort to be loving for a few weeks. But then I found another email and evidence of another secret liaison, so I can't pretend any more.

I have challenged him gently on the facts, and this has predictably provoked a series of rages and silences where I am made wrong for everything and he admits nothing. I guess that's his way of avoiding taking a look at himself; it's easier to blame me and accuse me of being "aggressive" and unreasonable. His behaviour is not up for discussion, except to deny and bounce it all back to me. I think he knows the game is up, which means it's not fun any more. He's in silent mode and absent today, I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling or doing, and in a strange way I am appreciating being left alone.

This is the third time I've got to this place: knowing that it has to end, and accepting that it's over. But I have previously found it SO hard to stay emotionally separated from him, because we share (my) home and he has nowhere to go, and I have previously caved in after a few days. I have no idea what's next. He says it will take him 3 months to get out of here (it is complicated). I'm hoping to remain calm and peaceful, but don't know how to stop my heart caving in. I still love him. If he would just go I could move on. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to hold out while he remains so physically close. 'No contact' simply isn't an option, and contact invariably leads to being sucked back in again. I need to find a way to stay strong, but I just don't know how.

The key to getting this far was to tell the truth to him about his behaviours - even though he stays in denial, I can see that he feels very exposed and uncomfortable. He's not violent or dangerous (only verbally) - I'm more at risk when he's 'loving' and sucking me back in. If I keep telling the truth, he can't do 'loving' because he's too busy being angry. So I shall keep telling the truth, and I pray that this will set us both free.

No idea how this will unfold. But hopefully I am a step closer to reclaiming my life. I wish I could feel happy about this, instead of sad. I will need to find ways to fill the emptiness of life without him, but right now I'd be happy to just crawl into a hole and stay there.

Thanks again for being there for me, and for so many others xxx

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#16622 - 08/20/15 05:40 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Alice]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
Hi Alice,
Several years ago I was in the same position as you. It took a lot of time, work and pain to get out, but my life is soo much better now (you can see some of my posts on this forum).
If you find it difficult to understand what is going on, and why it is so difficult to leave try researching addictive relationships as well as psychopaths, I think the two are very interconnected, or at least they were for me.
Good luck

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#16624 - 08/23/15 01:50 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
Little_Miss Offline
member

Registered: 08/23/15
Posts: 2
Hi, I'm new here and reading your posts both filled me with sadness because you've been through so much but also filled me with hope that you have survived! I am so glad to have found this forum. I was in a relationship with a guy who turned out to be married but I didn't know until I had already given him what he wanted - and lost my mind and dignity too. At first our relationship was literally the most intense and probably the best relationship I ever had - I now know this is called the "Love bombing" phase, but I felt like the most important and luckiest girl in the world. We had a whirlwind romance and being the rich, successful business man he is, I was showered with gifts, trips and a world I had never been a part of before.

After that, he would just cut me off dead - literally cut me off, not a single word from him for months at a time. He would come back and shower me with attention - even when I thought I'd moved on, he just wouldn't take no for an answer and would just keep bombarding me with calls, texts of apologies for not being in touch (he was apparently "busy with work") and even one time I told him outright to take a hike, he then sent me the biggest bouquet of flowers to my work of all places (and he didn't know my work address so he must have looked it up). Then over time he would disappear again.

I later found out he is married and obviously cut him dead at that point; I told him I knew and that if he contacted me again, I would tell his wife.

Two months ago, almost two years to the day that we stopped speaking, he decided to text me to ask me if I'd like to go for a drink. Naturally I said no but I did let him call me and we were on the phone for 2 hours at a time. The connection is still there and he's his usual charming self.

As much as I keep beating him off, his love bombing has started again and he just won't leave me alone. He's insisting on taking me for dinner and drinks when he's next back in the UK to apologise for what he did to me, which is in 3 weeks time. I haven't responded to his messages and this seems to make it worse; it's like he needs me to respond or he just won't stop.

I don't really know what to do. The more I read about it, the more I realise that he is so text book psychopath yet I think I am also in denial that he isn't really this predator which I keep reading about because he is so lovely and charming.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Please help me. I really don't know what to think any more!!!!

Much love x

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#16625 - 08/23/15 07:23 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Little_Miss]
Jackie Offline
member

Registered: 08/23/15
Posts: 1
Loc: VA
They say to have zero contact. My psychopath does the same thing....disappears. She cuts me off, lies, has inappropriate relationships, many sexual partners and is always angry. I am to blame for everything she does. When I call her out she goes crazy. I just want to know if they are able to cry. I broke up with her in February and she claims she cried for a 3 months. Is that possible????

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#16628 - 08/29/15 02:39 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Jackie]
Little_Miss Offline
member

Registered: 08/23/15
Posts: 2
Hi Jackie,

As much as I'd love to say yes to your question, it's a known fact that they can't feel empathy or sympathy due to differences in their brains - that's not to say that your ex partner doesn't cry but from an outside point of view, I think it's more likely that she is saying this to pull on your heart strings and manipulate you to take her back... I'm sorry if that isn't the answer you wanted. You need to stay strong xx

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#16631 - 09/18/15 12:44 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
Kevlar Offline
member

Registered: 09/18/15
Posts: 1
I'm a man that was good friends with a Psychopath and we had a falling out. One day I was riding in the car with another friend and he was listening to an audio book on Psychopath's and told me this sounded just like my friend and that's when my light bulb moment happened. I invited this man into my home and treated him like a brother and how did he repay me? By dumping our friendship and pursuing my wife. My wife is now in love with him and I have lived a nightmare. I've gone through a horrible divorce and lost my entire family. Although now I have done massive amounts of research and found that he has multiple kids with multiple woman and is your typical pathological liar. He moves on through jobs and different people with out even blinking. My ex-wife now... I can tell is truly in love with him and no matter what I say to her she doesn't see the red flags. He lied to her about me several times about all the "affairs" I was having and told her to end our marriage. He was plugging me into his stories to convince my wife how horrible I was. My wife feeling neglected by me, now became an easy target for the Psychopath and made it easy for him to take over my life. I feel like i've been hit by a bus and I'm unable to set the record straight with our old friends because he is that good at convincing people. My wife is just going to learn the hard way as ive done all I can do to warn her.
mad

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#16805 - 09/13/16 07:35 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
SailingYesterday Offline
member

Registered: 08/18/16
Posts: 1
Originally Posted By: Anonymous
I am curious to know when the "lightbulb" went off and you finally reaized you were dealing with a Psychopath?? Was there a particular book?, was it surfing the web? Was it something a therapist said? When was the first time the word Psychopath entered your vocabulary in describing your mate?
<br>
<br>Thanks,
<br>Di



This situation does not pertain to a mate. Instead, it is a co-worker.

The light bulb, for me, was this individual's erratic behavior. Well, what I realized to be erratic behavior.

I started to notice that she would treat people really nice, and those people would just adore her. Then I noticed that to those same people (me being one of them) she would begin picking at. For example, she would praise them for how great of a job they were doing with their work. She would smile real big and laugh. But the next time she would speak with them, she would rip them. And this wasn't your civil ripping in a general conversation. This was manipulation, because she'd turn around and smile real big again after she had made them feel like a complete fool. And they cheer right up and yippie do and we're all friends again.

She continues this same pattern throughout the day. Sometimes it seems she is two different people.

I initially thought that she might be bipolar. Heck, she may be, but her entire "manipulation" bs she plays with people .... eh.
I started searching the internet to find that she has a couple characteristics/symptoms of a psychopath.
She tries charming people. She lies to the boss. She doesn't like when someone else does something better than her.
For example, I am a fast keyer and she, seemingly, does not like that. I don't key loud, but I key fast. I noticed about half a year ago that when I start keying really fast, she starts keying LOUDER to distract me to prevent me from keying faster than her. She does it EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's annoying! I have a sensory processing disorder/misophonia issue so it is infuriating to hear a constant BANG BANG BANG on the enter key and space bar all day long. And she does it on purpose. But that is an entirely another topic.

Anyway, there's my light bulb moment.

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#16806 - 09/14/16 12:00 PM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: SailingYesterday]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi SailingYesterday, thanks for sharing your story. I also had a work experience with a psychopath. It is truly complex because once they target you, well things typically don't end well. In my book I interviewed a workplace psychopath and the "how" he did things was very enlightening. It is all about control. What are your plans to get away from the situation? If you would like to discuss your experience in more detail so others can learn I encourage you to open a new "thread" and if you need help just ask. The software here is set up as more of a data base so if you want to read more of a particular members posts, just click on their name and their posts will be listed.

Do you have any chance to move out of the department?

Di

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#16811 - 09/26/16 08:43 AM Re: When was your lighbulb moment? [Re: Anonymous]
wondering2 Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/16
Posts: 1
I'm not sure the lightbulb is fully on yet, I just know something 'isn't right' and from what I have read so far, I may very well have a Psychopath on my hands.
As I see it, below are the facts:

Initially, we were very very close. He came from a very large family and I am an only child. It seemed we both craved one on one interaction with our SO and it seemed idyllic. I worked from home and he moved in. I easily supported us and we were together 24/7 for about 3 years.

When he was 17, he and his twin bother were in a car wreck in which his brother was killed and he suffered a major head injury.

Things that bothered me initially (red flags?)

He was always sweet to me but treated anyone else with a large amount of disrespect. It was most noticeable when dining out, he is always rude to servers, cashiers, anyone that he needs to interact with. We are both introverts and I chalked it up to him not really knowing how to act, coming from such a large, rural family, they almost never went out, eating what they farmed or raised.

He has no issue berating his 'crazy' ex, or telling me all the details of his prior relationships (all crazy of course). This, of everything, even in the beginning, made me wonder whether he had any empathy. I think I see now it's all related.

He truly seemed to think I am an object he owns. Any suggestion otherwise by me resulted in being called mean and self centered then followed with the silent treatment.

Flash forward to now, after about 7 years:
Nearly every comment he makes to me is about how 'bad' I am, mean, wrong, senile, old, forgetful or any other word you can think of intended to reduce self confidence.

I read through the 'sex' thread and some of that lines up. I am just an object he can control fully. It's all about him.

I am of a pretty strong constitution and the reality is I'm not bothered by much of this. I realize it really is HIS issue not mine and I am not crazy or senile or any of what he tries to make me think. I honestly no longer 'love' him is a partner, he hasn't been one for over 4 years. I think of him more like a 4 year old child that must be tended. I would like him gone though, so I can move on. Being an introvert is fine, but sometimes I do like reasonable adult conversation.

He has told me he burned all his ex-wife's belongings after 'she left him' so I have some amount of fear for my personal safety as well as my home and pets.

My employer has counselling available but I'm not sure it would accomplish anything.

Of course there is a lot more to this story but I think these are the items that makes that lightbulb flicker.



Edited by wondering2 (09/26/16 08:51 AM)

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