Hi jjinatl, welcome to the forum. Interesting that the word sociopath turned on the lights for you. When you are comfortable perhaps you can tell us more of your story. Did you think you would be able to "fix him" once you discovered what you were dealing with?

Di

Hi Dianne - thank you for the welcome to the group! Actually, when I realized what I was dealing with I bottomed out & I think went into shock because I loved him and honestly couldn't deal with the reality of the situation. No, I don't think I thought I'd be able to "fix" him at that moment - that was the 1st time I quit seeing him. Unfortunately, that period didn't last for long and before I knew it I was right back in the thick of it all. The "story" is so....long - but I will write it over the next few days - maybe it will be good therapy? I'll be horrified probably when I see it in black and white. Thanks again for the reply!

I think I had "string" of lightbulb moments.

First about 5 years ago I came across the book HOW TO LIVE WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN. My marriage had almost totally unraveled by then, I was quite ill with infant children to care for (pretty much alone) and I just couldn't get a handle on my Nhusband. I read that book in 2 sittings, in the laundromat, crying. I got online and did some searching and that lead me to THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. In the midst of that, P came back into my life after 27 years (see my story) and during that time my therapist mentioned Narcissism in relation to my estranged Nhusband. We had a sexless marriage in the last few years, and though he blamed me - his behavior in the "intimacy" arena was so odd I needed answers.

P had encouraged me to start my abuse site! And when I read some online stuff about narcissism, I shared it with P. And P told me one day, right out "MY GOD! I am a Somatic Narcissist!!!" I laughed and told him no way. DUH!! He even told me he was more convinced he needed serious help, I gave him some names of therapists - but apparently he did nothing about it at the time. He didn't tell me he was seeing a psychopharmacologist - he positioned it as real therapy. HA HA. He even cried on the phone to me a couple times about how "sick" he was.

I had a lot of red flags but I think THAT was the tap on the shoulder! After that, he started telling me every time he and his wife had relations (TOO MUCH INFORMATION) and then after he started up with my California friend, he was very nasty to me a couple times and accused me of "sexually taunting him" HUH????? Projection.

After it all blew up and I was working on my site I read so much on narcissism - that lead me to Psychopathy. Sometimes I really wonder if he IS P or not but he certainly fits the majority of Hare's criteria.

Hi Di,

Very good question. I had many lightbulb moments, but their power supply was weak, and his manipulations obliterated their light. I guess it took a brick being thrown at me to really "get it"

The real moment of truth that will haunt me to the day I die, occurred many months after trying to convince him to get help, due to his own prior admissions that he was abusive, manipulative and selfish.

3 days after the assault from him which landed me in jail (overnight) on false charges, while I suffered head injury and miscarriage, the P calls me. Trying to explain that he "had to have me arrested somehow, to get him order of protection from me, so that he could be in control of the boundaries of our relationship." He had zero remorse and felt completely justified in what he had done to me and our baby, we were just pawns in his game to be used at his discretion. He had no feelings what so ever in his soul, other than to control and dispute the damage HE had done. With complete LIES to the authorities.

It was a brick, not a lightbulb... one that sent me into the abyss of self hate, for having ever believed a word he had ever told me. I was ashamed for all the lies, manipulations and turpitude he had destroyed my entire life with. I withdrew and knew no way to end the heartache & pain than to releave the world of such a pathetic woman. And I descended into a hell on earth that I did not know existed. I could not believe I had spent so much of myself on such a monster.

My real lightbulb was when I found this site, and realized it was not me, that I never had a chance. I thank God every day for all of you, your courage to post with such honesty, and your ability to offer support while you all endure nightmare p's of your own.

This site was my lightbulb that has stayed bright & will make me free from P's forever more.

Love,
stunnedhun23

Dear StunnedHun23: I LOVED reading this post! I totally agree with you - about this site being a lightbulb! You sound great and I hope things are going better for you. You are right about all the people who post here. They (we) have been to hell and are now back to earth and working on getting to heaven by doing the next right thing and staying P-free! There is no way we can have peace as long as the P's are in our lives. Mine hasn't quite given up yet, but I will not allow him to weasle his way into my life EVER AGAIN! There is nothing he can do or say to make me change my mind. I don't even pity him - I'm just repulsed by him. There is no room in my life for pathological liars, cheaters and manipulators. Anyway, good to hear from you. Keep posting! Love, Tiasa XOXOXOXO

Many lightbulbs went off for me all those years ago during my marriage to my 'P', but i like hon's description -- they were weak.

Light one: one year into our relationship he forced (I wasn't too hard to make compliant then) me to call some people he had scammed and lie to them to delay legal action. I remember how I felt, dirty, shamed and sick. I was pregnant and far from home and felt trapped.

Light two: when moving to another town he left me with a friend of his who I didn't know, to see an old girlfriend who had a family heirloom of his to pick-up. He admitted she was an old flame, but said he had no feelings for her. He left me in this strange house in a strange town with no way to leave, for eight hours with no explanation when he returned, just a wide smile like he had just gone out to get a box of donuts ten minutes ago. The feelings of entrapment (that was the same year and pregnancy as above) made me physically ill for the rest of the trip to our destination.

light three: when he told me once "I think I could kill someone and not feel anything, nothing at all." That was when we were first going out. He was always reading Soldier of Fortune mags until I told him I thought they were stupid and for geeks. God, what a loser!

Light four: when one of his girlfriends told me he was telling everyone that I liked living in a house with no running water or electricity and that I didn't want him to get a job. The only thing I couldn't believe more was that this woman twice my age believed him!

Light Five and I guess one the most frustrating and constant: He had shallow effect because he felt nothing inside, nothing mattered to him but scheming and lying. I finally realized that is why he could care less about things that "normal" people are concerned about. it was almost as if he was dead inside and seducing women, lying, stealing and conning were the only ways he felt alive. I learned the thrill and triumph he felt when he felt he had something over on someone.

I learned to use his sick behavior to my advantage. Of course he wasn't violent and my heart goes out to women who have to deal with violence as well. I had a violent father so I always had a radar out to avoid hyper aggressive men. But cons are another story.

I still can find myself drawn to them.

Its a charge almost, like being able to actually step up and stroke the lion in its cage without waking his waking up and gobbling you up right there.

My light bulb moment: I was listening to talk radio, I heard a preview for an interview with an author [I believe Martha Stout] about psychopaths. I thought that it sounded interesting so I listened. She was listing characteristics and I just knew.... I went immediately and checked the internet for more info. This happened only about 1 month ago.

I am married to a P for 8 years. There was always problems in the marriage and during fights I even called him "psycho" on many occasions.

I had no idea what a psychopath really was. I always assumed psychopaths were really "crazy".

Hi Heather,

Welcome to the forum!!! It is so shocking when you first realize there is a definition for what you are experiencing. And even more shocking to learn that there is no therapy or cure.

I saw your post asking about premature babies, and it reminds me of my exploring the effects of religon (or should I say a cult) on my P. I still spend time trying to figure out how and why he is that way, but the last lightbulb for me released my guilt at wanting him OUT of my life for good. Yes, I felt guilty giving up on him, how sad is that? I am a nurturer and a fixer, and believed prior to the now BRIGHT LIGHT that I could help him and that HE was the victim. What a twisted reality. It was and sometimes still is very difficult for me to imagine existing without a conscience.

Are you still married to your P? If so are you safe? Do you have children? Sorry for so many questions, but many here have been in the same situation, and the safety of you & your family is priority number one. We all are here to support you through this, whatever your specific path may be.

I hope you are strong & well and that validating your experience helps heal the wounds.

Sending you welcoming hugs ~

StunnedFunHun23

I have a hard time expressing myself in words, so please bear with me if I don't make sense at times.

Yes I am still married and I do have 6 young children. I live here with him but I don't have the emotional attachment, like I used too. I gave up on him and the marriage or any love last October.

Now I know he is a P it explains so much. I haven't told him what I know. It makes it easier to deal with. He said 2 things to me in the last 2 days that I thought were the strangest things. He first said "You are so blond and beautiful, you are my target." He said it like a compliment, very sweetly. I didn't reply but I made a mental note. Target of what, is what I want to know? I never would have noticed anything strange before. Then he said last night, "Did you ever think that when you met me you let a vampire into your life?" Didn't say anything, just made a mental note.

I wonder if I leave him if I will have to deal with him every weekend because of the kids. Somedays I pray that he would just die so I don't have to deal with him terrorizing me for the rest of my life. He is like a mental terrorist.

I feel more safe being here knowing where he is. He is not really violent. Although he says things like "If I want to beat you up I could." About 2 weeks ago he was punching the air beside me without touching me. He likes to fist fight men that cross him.

I am 29 and he is 32 now.

Another thing, he is a workaholic so he is usually gone most of the week. He also works night shift so during the weekends he stays up all night and sleeps until 3 in the afternoon. I avoid him as much as possible.

Thanks for the welcome,
Heather

Hi Heather, I just wanted to welcome you and thank you for posting. I think you have a wonderful way with words- you actually expressed yourself very well! I have been sitting here with my mouth hanging open with what your "P" husband said to you "You are so blond and beautiful, you are my target." - I mean he actually TOLD you that! and "Did you ever think when you met me you let a vampire into your life?" There is actually a book about these creeps out there called "Emotional Vampires" by Albert Bernstein:

"Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these predatory personalities."­­Boston Globe

From bestselling author Albert J. Bernstein

The author of Dinosaur Brains offers protection from people who seek to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. Like the fabled demons, these vampires:

Think their needs are more important than yours
Believe "the rules" apply only to other people
Use their tempers in the same way terrorists use bombs
Emotional Vampires tells readers how to spot a "vampire" in their lives, which defense strategies to employ to prevent one from striking, and what to do if and when they find themselves under attack.

From the Back Cover

"If I'd had a copy of this book when I started therapy, I might have saved myself a lot of time and money. Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these predatory personalities."­­Diane White, The Boston Globe

Emotional Vampires: They're out there . . . masquerading as ordinary people. They may lurk in your office, your family, your circle of friends; perhaps they even share your bed. Chances are, you know all too many of them. Bright, talented, and charismatic, they win your trust, your confidence, and your affection­­then drain you of your emotional energy. But take heart as you walk through the darkness, it doesn't have to be that way­­the more you know about vampires, the less power they have over you.

Here Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, vampire-slayer and author of the best-selling Dinosaur Brains and Neanderthals at Work, reveals the secrets that will protect you once and for all. Detailing a whole range of personality types and human responses, Bernstein shows you how to spot the "vampires" in your life: self-serving Narcissists, hedonistic Antisocials, exhausting Paranoids, or over-the-top Histrionic drama queens. And, with valuable advice, psychological perspective, and much-needed humor, he gives you a range of defense strategies that are guaranteed to keep the blood-sucking creatures of darkness from draining you dry.

By the end of Emotional Vampires, you'll be armed with superior knowledge, a treasure chest of vampire-slaying tools, and all the confidence you need to take on the most draining people in your life and win without shedding the first drop of blood.

I've been wanting to read it. It's true P's are very much like vampires - they suck everything possible out of their "targets"... (money (and any valuable possesions), love, sex, confidence, self respect, health, dignity, pride, faith, etc...) You are VERY smart not letting him know what YOU know! It could definitely backfire - so be very careful.

I was lucky to "escape" "my" P before things got too involved, but I am positive that it would've led to disaster if I continued with him. Just those 2 things your husband said reminded me so much of the things the creep I knew would come out with! For instance, he has said "You're the most beautiful blue-eyed blond I ever knew" I said "I bet you've said that to many women" and he said "Yeah, but so far, you're my favorite" (Was that supposed to make me feel "SPECIAL"!?) There were many more things that proved he wasn't thinking like a "normal" man. I am very glad to hear he hasn't been violent, but PLEASE be careful, because P's are capable of anything. I'm not trying to scare you - I just want you to be AWARE - and he sounds like he likes to use his fists. "Mine" was the same way... he LOVED pro-wrestler's (which I absolutely HATE!) and he often bragged about what a great fighter he was, how strong his arms are, and often said "I outta spank you" or "slit your throat!" I used to laugh it off, never thinking he could possibly be serious! But, who knows? Scary.

I understand your wishing he would "just die"... it would be easier to "deal" with him, wouldn't it? But, there is help out there if you need it. How long have you been married, and when did it occur to you that he was a P?

Anyway, we are all here for you and will help answer any questions we can and support you through this. Please keep posting. Stay strong.

Love, Tiasa