I have been married 8 years and I just realized that he was a P recently. I knew that he always had problems, especially relating to his mother still and he won't let go of that relationship.

He has probably always given me the hints and clues about who he is but I never picked up on any of it.

I don't feel like I have an addiction to him. I realize that he is messed up and not me. I don't feel any love for him. But I still feel trapped by the humiliation.

He called today and said he won't be home until tomorrow because of work. I am glad I don't have to see him.

I told him that I didn't love him the first time, I was scared to death of his reaction. [This was about 6 months before I knew he was a P] He didn't do or say much. It was like I finally had the freedom.

I get the impression he wants to see how long it takes before I take the next step. Like it is a game for him, a human experiment, watching me suffer and timing my reaction.

I did have something very strange happen to me the other day, we were talking. He said I should be happy that I have a man that would give me so many children. I had a miscarriage with another man about 6 months before I met him 10 years ago. [I believe now that the other man was a P too, I saw him for a few days after that, then he just dissappeared out of my life.] But anyways, my current P brought up the micarriage as a means to hurt me and I had absolutely no reaction. That gut wrenching pain that he likes to inflict did not happen. It was the strangest thing for me. I cannot describe what a profound moment it was for me.

I have added the book Emotional Vampires to my wish list.

Hi Heather, Thanks so much for posting. I'm glad you are standing your ground with your P. I'm sure it's very difficult since he is the father of your children (and still your husband). Do you think he is faithful to you (P's are known to have "others")?

Shame on him for trying to hurt you by bringing up your miscarraige... it's like he's patting himself on the back for "giving you children" as if that fetus was "defective" because it wasn't HIS! (Typical Narcissist!) How are the children with their dad? Are they close? Is he a "good father"?

I'm sorry for asking so many questions - just curious and trying to tell how difficult it might be to "break free".

It sounds as if you have a good, strong, wise head on your shoulders. Please check back with us - there is AWESOME advice given here by those who have "walked in your shoes".

Love, Tiasa

I believe he is faithful because he loves to brag to me about the women in his past. He also tells me about all the women that are attracted to him at work and almost anywhere he goes. He has this weird thing about "telling the truth" about absolutely everything, he cannot keep his mouth shut about any secret. But on the other hand he has also told me he would say anything at all to save himself from the police.

He is a workaholic so he is only with the kids no more than a couple hours a day. He treats them like slaves, doing almost everything for him until he leaves again. He tells them he loves them and kisses and hugs them. The oldest kids are 8 and the rest are younger. After he leaves they say things like "Dad is so lazy, he never does anything for himself." He doesn't do much punishing of the kids, he wants me to do it, I think so he can look like the nice parent. He does seem to get mad about the stupidest things too, like spilled milk, I am always telling him to chill out.

I have no idea how to break free, it seems impossible with all the children because I am sure the courts would grant him visitation of some kind. Even if I leave I will still be stuck with him.

Hi Heather, So nice to hear from you! I've been thinking about you, and hoped you'd post again! I understand exactly what you are saying about breaking free. It is SO HARD when children are involved, but it is possible. However, I am STILL with my husband (he's not the psychopath I was involved with, but he has his own "issues"! and our marraige isn't great) even though I realized our marraige was "rocky" for the past 12 years. We tried separating, but it was rough on ALL of us, and the kids love us equally and it wouldn't be fair to split for our own selfish reasons. I don't believe in "staying for the sake of the children" as a "rule" but if life would be WORSE for everyone involved by splitting up, then it makes sense. None of these decisions are easy!

In a way, you're lucky your husband is a "work-a-holic"... the P I was involved with hardly EVER worked - he is a typical "gigolo, parasitic" user/loser that comes across as the best thing since sliced bread! (He's a REAL charmer!) But, not only is your husband GONE a lot of the time (which, under the circumstances is probably better, even though it is hard to do everything yourself!) but he also contributes money (MANY P's do NOT... they just TAKE, TAKE, TAKE!!!)

I could so relate to your P "bragging about women in his past" and "telling me about all the women that are attracted to him everywhere he goes"... "mine" did the SAME THING... and often he would "apologize" (without true feeling) about "making me jealous" but he thought it would make me "love him more!" (WEIRD, or WHAT!?!?!?!)

Anyway, my dear, I know it's a difficult situation for you. At least your kids see him for what he is "lazy and never does anything for himself!"... typical, typical, typical!!! I'm sure if you end up going for a divorce, the fact that the kids are with YOU most of the time (plus the fact you're the mother!) works totally in your favor of full custody. As far as visitation, you don't have to actually face him if you don't want to... do you have a friend or relative that could bring the kids to him? (Or be there when he picks them up?)

I'm not suggesting you should leave him, as you know, that's totally a decision you need to make for everyone involved. Just putting in my thoughts for whatever they're worth!

Please keep posting... we're here to help.

Sincerely, Tiasa

Thank you for responding, you are so intuitive.

I am okay, not P free, but okay. The kids are starting school in less than 2 weeks and I am busy getting things ready for them. I am a stay at home mom with only 1 child not in school this year.

My husband always tells me how good looking he is, he doesn't seem that good looking to me. Seriously, I don't get this.

I feel like I am surrounded by P's or borderline P's. My husband tells me about his friends and family and alot of them fit the profile. Not everyone in his family but it seems "all" of his close friends are.

I started my own home business in 1999 and he just about lost it because he has such a fear that I will get rich and leave him. He just spends any extra money we have on useless "stuff". He gets really paranoid when I go shopping by myself because I might meet someone... Everything I do on my own is a threat of me leaving, in his mind. I just tell him to stuff it. I am not very nice to him but he seems to be like a parasite that depends on me to survive. He is also very jealous of my education and gets very hostile when anybody talks about it.

He also mentioned something about me "embarassing him" by getting a divorce. Like a threat, I better not embarass him or else... I always ask him "Or what?" in a really rude voice. He never has an answer.

Just me rambling, have a great P FREE day/night/weekend!
Heather

I do not know if I have a Lightbulb moment? My councellor informed me of her beliefs only 2 weeks ago. The more I read the more confused I get. Can Psychopaths be women?
I have read alot about men but not women. I called my wife a P about 4 months ago after she vented pure anger at me for what felt like forever. I said your acting like a p and she has never forgiven me for it and she keeps bringing it up all the time. I still can't tell her what my councellor has said and she has advised me to seek advice from other victims but I'm a man. Are men victims?

I have an N and a P in my life right now.

my "light-bulb" moment came first with N, then as I
researched the problem, I nearly fell off my chair
when it dawned on me that P maxed out on the
Hare check-list of P traits.

with N, I was struck
by the awesome scale of the LYING. factual lies having
minimal emotional content, and emotional lying.

whenever he wanted something from me, he would feign friendship, collegiality, whatever, I would help him, out, thinking -- hey!! we're FINALLY making some progress here.

then I would cap off the interaction with a little social
chit-chat, and he would have this out-pouring of Hatred
that bowled me over.

where had I heard of people who were such AMAZING liars?

I _had_ heard of such fantastic liars
before, and was soon reading Hare, Clecky, and anything
else I could get my hands on.

One day I was in a meeting with N, while his sponsor (PM) was on holiday, and out of cell contact. N reacted with
such fear, at being left alone with me that I decided
that he couldn't be a P, and my research turned down
the N path, with Sam Valkin, and others.

my lightbulb moment with P came when an aquaintance
remarked "Oh, well P really likes V" and I was
thunderstruck that I had NEVER seen P give V ANY form
of recognition, or affection in public WHATSOEVER.

more research revealed that this is how hard-core swingers
and pimps control multiple women. no public recognition,
therefor other women can't tell he's "taken".

P was actually able to "date" several women on the
project under V's nose, because while P and V were
together constantly, his public behaviour of no
recognition, no affection led these other women to
conclude P and V weren't romantically linked.

-WK

ninety-nine
(member)
08/31/05 11:34 AM

Hopefull reminded me of my lightbulb moment. My husband decided to be an Episcopal preist despite the fact that it wasn't good timing for the family-two kids in college and a house to sell. When the kids found out it became quite an issue, but money and tuition never came up. All four kids came to me separately and said,"But Mom, Dad's not even nice to me, he can't be a preist!" I thought it was just me! It turned out to be a pattern of isolation going on.

He would say nasty things to them in private and create conflicts within the family so that one person wouldn't talk to another person, or think another person liked them because he had bad-mouthed a family member in one way or another. But the preist process continued. When his psychological evaluation came back he left it on the kitchen counter so we took a peek.........He said his parents were dead(vey much alive in New Jersey), that he had passed the bar(he has an engineering degree), that his
undergrad was prelaw(math), and that his brother lived in California(Boston). A guy like this should not be influencing people.

I started fighting against the preisthood and low and behold, he became a dirty fighter, kicking me out of the house, influencing the kids against me, blocking doorways so I couldn't get through, shaking his fists at me. I wound up in therapy, unable to lift my head, staring at the ground session after session. After hearing a few more stories my therapist said my husband was a sociopath........to tell you the truth, I have been warned before so that was my lightbulb moment. He never made seminary, by the way, he was cutting down a tree and the last limb fell on him. In the hospital for a week....it gave me a chance to notify the seminary of who they were really getting.

My Lightbulb moment:

1. When I read the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissist..." I realized immediately when I began reading it that he is a narcissist.

2. When I read the book "The psychopath Next Door". I realized immediately when I began reading it that he is a Psychopath.

Both books offered signs to look for, he is so bad that he has every trait, every sign to look for that is listed in both books. I just couldn't deny it, even if I wanted to.

I always knew he was not a good person. I always knew he was a drunk, a drug user, a liar, a cheater, a criminal, and a thug. It was at this point that I was officially able to label the lunatic.

I had mine about 2 mos ago I had watched a show on tv an something ccicked an I started researching everything I could fine.It scared me but let me know I am not crazy an et. et. I have been married 21 years an loved my husband very much but he started on our wedding breaking me down an sucking the life out of me .I fought an stood my ground but my health has suffered an I have become a recluse.All my friends see me trough his eyes an he is so wonderful an kind.I almost died once I could not take his lack of empathy an love.At first he said all the right things but I noticed a lack of interest in my children an a delight in watching them bend to his control.He would get a twisted smile onhis face when he pushed me to far an I eould cry and be angry .He likes control .He buys groceris .holds money an only gives me 20 or 5 if I could work now it would be betterbut I have been disabled for 12 yrs.My value in his eyes is gone except that by being married he has more acceptable friends to do things with an he gets there pity for having a crazy wife.I am now 61 an will draw a check in a few mos an I see his wheels turning.I Paid in so I would have a home but If I go I give up my home an my values.I see he could be good but he does not know how to love or know feelings except for his wants needs.I pity him now .I have to let go of the bitterness an anger but it is hard.I feel good about this site .I have noone yjat can understand or help me .