Hi!
First I'm just gonna say what a life turning change it was to me to came accross this help-site. Reading about other people's experiences, who had gone trough the same, just had this puring effect in the middle of my own psychological hell, going trough the experience of dealing with a psychopath as my husband, in my mind at the time. Thank you.
I suffer from PTSD due to those events in my life, and as I've been reading here I've come accross a couple of times a mentioning of PTSD. And I'd be really happy to hear about those experiences. How does PTSD work in situations like this? And another thing I'm curios about is that what kind of 'a mask of sanity and seduction' did these somehow faceless creature's create in your cases, I saw photos of him before me and he had completely different bodytalk and he looked like several other personality's in different photo's. And when i met him he took some 3 days to shape 'the man of my dreams'. And to my parent's he created another one ( the sweet money ).
My own experience with PTSD, was after he was gone I suffered a memory loss of the 3 years, later it shaped into a false memory in which all seemed much more ok. Just after he was gone i couldn't be in any contact in much of the house interior, music and bedsheets especially. Many 'flashbacks' where I would see all that he was in just about anybody and more severe attacks of loosing senses and so on..., the period that the whole issue started to take over my life ( at it's worst when I found this gruop, thanks for having this, really.), and I've been having nightmares every night for some 4 years, which is strange, because they starded somewhere there when I met him. Just nightmares every night, nightmares,...( damn )
I'd really like to hear about your experiences' on these subjects or any other things. J.

I too recall seeing different images in different photo's. In hindsight now there is one photo that I really detest and I remember detesting at the time (even though I didn't realise he was a P then). He actually looks mentally disturbed in the picture, which is bizarre because he is an incredibly handsome man.

I had a recurring dream in the beginning of our relationship in which I gave birth in a stable (like Jesus birth in a barn on a dirt floor etc)except I was all alone and he was nowhere to be seen or found. I remember feeling incredibily let down in the dream as he wasn't there, just like he was never there in 'real' life. My intuition was trying to tell me something but I couldn't see it. Infact my intuition was very clouded for many years when I was with him. It was only alot of work on 'self' that helped me out really in the end and the fact that I was praying to God, the Angels, whoever, whatever the Universe to show me away out of the ridiculous mess I found myself in. It was infact a dream that ultimately lead to my decision to end it with him once and for all (unfortunatly I do not wish to disclose the nature of that dream). I have been having some bizarre dreams since our break up 7 months ago, usually they are about him struggling through life. A friend of mine told me she had nightmares for 10 years after her P left. I would love to do more research into this. A mature friend of mine, an elderly lady once said to me if you were my daughter I would be concerned for you, he will end up killing you, or you will kill yourself. Thank fully I chose ME!!!!!!!!!!

It is strange, but during the time that my daughter was married to the P she had nightmares that he would cheat on her; she would tell him about the dream and he would reassure her that he would never....but he did. Also he was a 'perfect' son-in-law for me, always attentive and sweet, boy was I fooled, that has been the hardest part for me, knowing I was so fooled and that maybe my attitude about him in some way influenced my daughters decision to marry him. I know I need to let that go....she has told me I do not have that kind of power Haha.

My daughter seems to be on the mend or mended, she is young and is in a serious relationship with a normal guy, and I do think that after a P you are cautious, but can tell the difference. The P never disagreed with me about anything, now both of my daughters are dating young men who have opinions of their own , not just feeding me mine.

I do think that it is hard, but you can get past it, with outside help- this forum is one but you also need other people for the times you feel like the crazy one.
I actually was upset that my daughter couldn't hold on to the 'perfect man'. I was smart enough never to tell her that and to find a friend that I could trust and she was able to 'set me straight'.

Sometimes our minds are the hardest part of the whole experience, I am amazed at the resilience that the people who have the courage to write in this forum are able to show. With the kind words of others I know you will all make it through (that's my Mom pep talk).

Please help me
(I should change that now, because you all have

PHM,

"...boy was I fooled, that has been the hardest part for me, knowing I was so fooled..."

I think we have all been in this place...kicking ourselves for not seeing things so clearly in the first place, having been fooled. In Dr. Hare's book he writes that even if you have knowingly encountered a P it is entirely possible to be taken in by one again. He states that both he and his research assistants were "taken in" by certain individuals that they were researching...even though they were diagnosed psychopaths. Remember, these are people that have survived by a slight of hand, so to speak.
Recently I met someone that I found to be very attractive in a magnetic manner. After getting to know this person for a few months (going to the movies, out to dinner, a holiday party, talking at the gym, exchanging e-mail's) I realized that, while I'm not sure if he would be diagnosed as a P, he
certainly displays a borderline personality disorder. Now I can see that everyone, and I mean everyone, is attracted to this man. And I think that is what he does best....attracts.
Once you get to know him the experience is filled with subtle manipulations, half truths, changing stories, ever-changing plans. But still, he manages to throw out certain buzz words that reel you back in. The scary part for me was that I found my head spinning in much the same manner that it did when I was with my P.
It's a difficult situation because, as healthy people, we don't want to spend our lives being suspicious and cynical. We want to trust that there are people out there that find us attractive (in the grander sense of the word) on many levels. It makes us feel good and brings out the best in us. But we can watch out for the subtle signs.... do stories change, does the person express the full range of emotions, what pushes his/her buttons, is the conversation always directed back to him/her in some way, do they have a good sense of humor, can they be self deprecating....?
It's very easy to be taken in.

Rick

You know, I think it would be much harder for a p to fool someone when they were showing romantic interest rather than having a consultation with a psychiatrist/psychologist. That's in a pretty controlled situation and is on the lines of answering quesations and the p is there for a limited time and it is formal.

I take some comfort that a p will reveal themselves to those in the know pretty early on, when they are spinning the charm. I would do some tests anyway to find out how honest they are. I don't think that we need to be distrustful just cautious, and take it slowly.

I have learned to really respect my intuition which was telling me all of the time but I ignored it. One thing I felt very strongly was a fear of getting old with my p (before I knew he was a p) and dependent. That is not a normal thing to think about one's husband but I had that fear.

I have had a good couple of days when I have realised that before he dumped me, I should have not been tolerating the relationship as it was, all his way but I was not seeing how imbalanced it was. This has helped me break free a great deal and also the fact that the thing that I always hoped would happen ie that he would get sorted out and be the person I was hoping for would never happen because it was all an illusion.

Another intesting thing is that on photos I was always struck with the thought that he looked like a psycopath. How creepy is that.

Rick, thank you for your insights. Your really do seem to have spent a lot of time in research.

Brenda, what you said is just like my daughter, she also was the one that was left behind, and her first thought was she felt relieved, then she went through all of the normal emotions of grieving. If you don't mind, were you expecting him to leave? My daughter wasn't, she didn't see it coming. Could be because she was young and very naive ( which I think is part of why he wanted her ).

Brenda, you are so right - looking at the old photos was scary - take a look at the eyes - I wondered why I never saw it myself at the time.




Mark

You guys know the warning signs - little things that start to slot into place - one thing is nothing by itself but slowly the pattern starts to emerge - so here is my quandry

I am working with a guy at work - I don't know him that well but we are working for the same agency and share adjacent offices - we are both working away from home. He is from Illinois and has just got married to a wife from overseas - so they don't know each other very well. She seemed OK the first time I met her but slowly things are starting to seem strange - it's not really my business and I hope that i am wrong because I really don't want him to have to go through all the hurt that I suffered but unfortunately I don't think that it is my business. I am hoping that she is 21 going on 12 but I am starting to see a P personality emerge from the things that he says and the pattern of behaviour that he is having to put up with - of course it is not my business but it is hard to watch it start to happen. I had a very rough 5 years with my P and it is not easy to imagine it happening to someone else who is a real nice guy.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. I know that I can't say anything and anyway, I am not 100% sure - I just hope thatI am wrong

thanks for listening

Mark

Hi Mark, welcome to the forum. It must be hard to watch and see your work partner go through this.

Do you have any specific examples of what she does? Many say that they see the "dead" eyes in photos.

Hi please help me

The announcement that he first made was that he thought we would be better off living apart as we are no good together (that is to say that I became inceasingly wised up to him and had been questioning him more and less accepting of his mentally ill persona he had created) and that he wanted us to stay married, was not matched up with the reality I was experiencing ie that he was done with me and wanted out of the commitment ie he wanted to dump me (and because of the vastly increased lack of respect he was showing me

I forced him to admit it though he did not want to. And he still thinks that I should agree sweetly and go along with this idea that we just are not suited to each other and just live apart, all very amicable.

The extent of the complications with the benefits agency then caused him to suggest that we continue living togther, but separated. Of course this totally contradicts his first announcement but he doesn't see anything wrong here. He does not see why I do not want us to continue to live together.I said that it was impossible for it to be all friendly because first of all, after he announced he wanted to live apart I found out exactly how he had been cheating and lying to me and spending my money out of the joint bank account. He expects me to totally overlook all of that and still be friends with him.

So the announcement itself was out of the blue but if I had known now that he is a p I would have seen the signs that he was finished with me.

I reckon its the best thing that ever happened to me even though the callousness and nastiness has been painful, because it shook me into seeing him as he really is.

I don't know whether the final decision from him came because he has just got into the stock market after scrounging for years or because the boys are both grown up now and he has his narcissus supply or because I began to increasingly see through him.

Whatever reason, it is just so typical isn't it that it was he who did everything wrong yet he who walks out.