Finished...

PS.... Thanks, you are right. I am not going to beat myself up about how I acted at the time. Honestly, I did not know that there were people out there without a conscience! Thank you for reminding me of that. Yes, I was true to my heart and character.

Rick

yes you have been a big help for me too even though i was not writing i was ashame of myself to say that i went back but when he went to jail last september i had a nice break from his tentacles
i was afraid on how i would react when he got out because i am so hook to him that before he went to jail even though i was going through hell it was like i was too far gone i could not come back to myself
i was his [censored]
well tonight i am proud of myself
i did not give to temptation
he called today i miss the call
and i wanted to hear his voice and knowing it is a no no to call
i acted innocent and i called the missed call and said someone called me knowing damn well that it was him
he wanted me to go visit him tonight wanted to go see a movie
those words i know he wants money
so i tell him i am broke as usual i always tell him that and he always say he will pay and when i would go with him before i always end up paying
so i know his tactic now
and i knew in my heart that he is borrrred to death and needs a free ride
well i am ashame to say that i would love to spend some time with him because he knows how to make us feel good all his other girlfriends say the same he makes you feel loved
but when it is over or before he is abusive with words always accusing me of doing something that i am not doing with anyone he mentions and he knows it makes me mad all that kind of talk so i tell him i don't want to be with him
and he is always living with someone like his mother now until he finds another woman to stay at and take over her life
anyway i am tired
i was lonely i could of went to visit him
but he can be so vicious
i tell him and he says that he does'nt want to go back to jail anymore
well i heard that before
on my way home in the car i was screaming his name and saying i hate you
but then my heart got a hold of myself
and i needed to calm down
i can't wait until the temptation part is over
which it might never be over
but at least i had victory tonight about not even driving into the parking lot where he lives
i would do that sometime and many time he would be outside and then we would be together
but for some wild reason tonight aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
i was weak but strong enough to go directly home
yes reading everyone helps a whole lot

love you'all
freedom

Oh Freedom. . .

>>>well i am ashame to say that i would love to spend some time with him because he knows how to make us feel good all his other girlfriends say the same he makes you feel loved<<<

I am so there with you sister friend.

My heart really reaches for you Freedom because I have followed your story from the beginning and know the challenges you have at home with your husband being disabled and the handicapped children.

P disappears just long enough from your life to give you some peace of mind. . . only to re-appear and start that pull on you again. Oh girl. . .how I relate to the part of wanting to feel loved.

In my experience. . .when P#2 called. . .I could tell from the TONE IN HIS VOICE. . .it was a seduction. But I, like you, did not want to resist. I always walked in with my hopes high that my feelings would be recipocated and my needs met. Oh Freedom, what I got was emptiness. . .like I had been drained.

When we came together, I thought I would get something. Like love, tenderness. . .something mutual. What I got instead was the feeling I had been emptied out. Honestly, Freedom and I know this is redundant of what I have said in the past. . .but it was vampire-resh ( is that a word?) like everything good had just been sucked out of me. And then that last time. . .it was like a murder or my soul.

>>>anyway i am tired
i was lonely i could of went to visit him <<<

Oh honey. . . Please. . .please stay away from this guy. He is SOOOOOOO BAD! Those few moments of pleasure you experience with him are not WORTH it. I hear your humiliation, shame and embarrassment. And I KNOW THE PULL. GIRL. . .I KNOW THE PULL of it all.

I wish I could do it for you Freedom but you gotta do it yourself. Please make the decesion. . .before it destroys you.

From your forum sister friend who really, really cares. . .

finished

dear finished thank you so much for your encouragement

i want to correct something
my husband is not disable, thank God, but yes 3 out of 5 of our children are handicap and we take care of my husband's brother who is schizophrenic-disable, he has been with us 16 years.

i need to confess that last sunday night
i hadn't seen him since august 20
trying to go on with my life for the better

he was calling me a few times
i would refuse to see him
but sunday night i could not stand it anymore
and went by his mother's place
where he lives

3 times i would change my mind and drive to go home

this little voice would say
go home, don't go back

the third time he happened to open the door for a guest leaving
he waved at me to come in
i was glad to see him
but i realized for the 1 million times
since the day we met on Halloween night 1998
that this is not a good relationship

you said the right word it is vampire-resh

it was the same old story
he is following me (he does not have a car)
but in his mind he can see me
he says he is a warlock
and i am a witch
which i don't think i am
but if i keep seeing him it makes me an evildoer

and again he needed money
and i gave again
he hasn't call me since then
because now he knows that i still feel for him
and i don't want to go back
because of what i know
it is not real love
i feel so weak

my friends who all know him way before i knew him
are all encouraging me to stay away from him
and i really don't want them to know that i went back
because i will lose their respect for me
and some musicians say that i make him worse by being with him
which is true because he can blame all his problems on me
and i am tired of repeating the same mistake
i feel that God will paralyze me if i don't stop on my own

last summer before he went to jail
i was trying to stay away from him
he was begging me to go visit him
he was calling me at my job

just for him to stop calling i said ok
but close to the time of going home i called him and gave him a reason why i could not go see him
my husband called and said something terrible happen
i need to go home
and just a few minutes after i lied
i get a call from my husband and he said just that
something terrible had happen at our house come home
it turned out to be true

freedom

Oh Freedom, don't see yourself as an evildoer, or as someone who God will punish because you haven't always been able to stay away from this man. All of us on this forum know how hard it is to withstand the P when they are determined to have something, and how easy it is for them to make us do things that are against our true selves. Yes, you may lose the respect of some people because you went back - but only because they don't know what you are dealing with. Think of it like when you try to give up smoking - sometimes you 'lose it' and have a cigarette. You then have two ways you can go - you can say 'I had a cigarette - too bad - but I'm still giving up' - and keep trying. Or you can say 'I had a cigarette - I'm bad - I can't give up smoking' and just keep right on smoking. Just accept that you saw him, but don't let that give him any power over you. Keep believing in yourself and keep fighting for a better tomorrow. You are worth much more than this man will ever give you.

All the best

OH! thank you Ali and all the others
to understand

it is a big relief
because i feel like a big zero

well the night of the gig wednesday night i did not go
i had too many time the experience
where he would beg me to go see him
when i would finally give up and go
he would ignore me
later i would find out that he had a lady with him
he would tell her that i was harrassing him
so i do not want that to happen again
if i would go see him play
because he is a fantastic musicians
i would not let him see me which i did before

anyway

so the night of the gig
he called me always using someone else's phone
he doesn't have any and it is long distance
so he leaves a message
"i am finish with the gig, see you tomorrow"
which was tonight

thursday night is my night out
where i go dancing my head off
letting out the steam that i have inside
he cannot come in that club

so then at 4am of that same night wednesday
he calls me from the lady's phone's house
telling me that he is working on her yard
he is really tired
and that we will see each other tonight

well i was not surprise
he is trying to make me jealous
he loves to play those games
and i am not jealous
i am glad that he found someone again
that should keep him busy for awhile

if he calls again to tell me why i did not show up
i feel like telling him that i went
you were not home
your mom told me you were with that lady
and then he might not even call at all for a long time
and just pup up like jack in the box

i am glad this is happening
because i just don't feel like playing games anymore
i have to admit i would have been nice to see him
without all the baggages that come with it
those never ending conversation full of lies and jealousy
and i don't even think he is really jealous
it is just a front to act like he loves me so much
so i will be afraid of him and ending up giving him money
to appease his temper
anyway
i know i will come out of this dead or alive

again thank you for your understanding

my husband do not mind me going out dancing
he knows i love music and dancing
but he wants me to be very careful
not to pick up psychopath
i am lucky that he is an understandable
and a patient person
to wait for me to act upon the light that i see
i did share with him the book by Dr Hare
and it helped him to understand more
about the kind of people we tried to help in the past and understand the p i am was hooked to now no more

monday i was at the foot doctor
the tv was on
with Bush giving a speech and he mention those words
about the people who wants to fight all the time in other country that they had no conscience
i was thinking he must know

there must me a God to allowed people like you to understand what is really going on
and letting me meet you'all

with a thankfull heart
i salute you

freedom

Hi Freedom,

>>>i need to confess that last sunday night
i hadn't seen him since august 20
trying to go on with my life for the better <<<

You are making progress Freedom. . .that's a LONG time.

>>> this little voice would say
go home, don't go back <<<

You will begin to honor that "still small voice" inside of you, Freedom. Sometimes, it just takes the time that it takes, if you know what I mean. Don't beat yourself up Freedom, the pull of the P is very strong but you know it never delivers the hope that it promises. It only delivers pain, self recriminication, guilt and shame.

>>>he says he is a warlock
and i am a witch <<<

Let him speak for himself, Freedom but DO NOT LET HIM SPEAK FOR YOU. . .you are not a witch and what gives him the right to say that about you? DO NOT RECEIVE THOSE UGLY WORDS. You are a kind, compassionate person that is trying to extract herself from a coniviving, manipulative P.

A witch. . .Puleeze. . .I don't think so. . . .

>>but if i keep seeing him it makes me an evildoer<<

I don't know whether that makes you an evildoer but Freedom it does keep you hooked into HIS evil stuff.

Freedom. . .you were able to maintain NO CONTACT for 8 months! Just like a junkie, girl, start over. . .one day at a time.

Love you. . .
sooooooo finished :-)