Hi Sylvie and Mati,

Glad to see you found solace in talking to each other. It's the best cure of all.

My lighbulb moment happened AFTER I had decided not to see the P again. I knew that he was dangerous for the last time I saw him, he said that he would kill me. We had been discussing an issue of which I KNEW that I was right, but he got very annoyed and argumentative about me having said flat out that he was wrong. I had reached my limit with him and told him off while leaning against the table and saying, " I am so sick of tired of you always having to be right." I have a fiery temper and I must have looked threatening, for he too leaned forward and said, " If you touch me I will kill you."

I got up, so I could defend myself should he become abusive. He too got up and moved towrad me while trying to grab my shoulder. He got a hold a me and tried to shake me. I moved away and he moved with me. I did not say a word. Again, I moved away from him and when he tried to grab me again, something in me snapped. I could myself changing from defensive to offensive mode and I knew that if he tried to hurt me, I would defend myself with everything available to me. I also knew that I could/would kill him. I just stood still in the middle of the room with all my senses sharpened to a fine point. He took one look at my eyes and I could visibly see him deflate. It was very clear that he would not dare take me on. He turned around and sat down. He later told me that he could see the danger in my eyes.

Of course, he then did his whiney thing about me almost giving him a heart attack and how nasty I was, and how inconsiderate and so on and so forth. He just sat there like a little boy with a 'woe is me' expression on his face.

After that I knew that I would never see him again, and I haven't.

It took me a year and a half after that before I caught on to the fact that he is a P. I saw an article in the newspaper about psychopaths and the dime fell. Thank goodness! It made a huge difference to know that I wasn't insane - that all those crazy feelings I had been having had a reason and the reason was the P. He made me into mush. Into a simpering fool, who for four years did not have the guts to say Booh.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

There's light at the end of the tunnel and now I can see it very clearly and I can laugh and smile and do my day in a loving manner. It's taken me a long time. It would have taken longer had I not found this place.

Nan

Hi Nan,

Yes, it's good to talk about experiences with others who can relate. One thing I'm curious about though is, were these boards more active before? I just get the impression from reading some of the older posts that there was more activity then.

I read the account of your lightbulb moment - glad you got out safely. They hate resistance and the loss of control that implies. Thank goodness for media accounts about Ps for the awareness that they spread.

I too found a great deal of satisfaction at breaking off my relationship. We did get back together for a few months once after that - P was extremely persistent and I guess I allowed myself to think that maybe the time apart had somehow changed him for the better. It's difficult to get your mind around the fact that someone you fell in love with was a P! I don't regret getting back together for a short time because it gave me the opportunity to see him at his absolute unvarnished worst. Rather than being better, he was angry and resentful about being dumped (actually about me asserting myself)and way more passive aggressive. I had also started a new job and career in the interim months, that I absolutely loved and that required me to travel a fair amount. Naturally he hated the independence and freedom that gave me. "My baby is spreading her wings!" Ugh! Anyhow, it gave me the opportunity to dump him twice so that was worth it. No misgivings the second time around, none!

Later,

Sylvie

Hiya Sylvie,

Posters come and go. Right now, there are many people who read but who do not post. Sometimes there is a lot of activity and other times it's slow like molasses and it's anybody's guess what the determining factor is. A few people are away on summer holiday and besides, the summer is not known for being a busy time in most forums.

I think that this type of forum is one where there is a limit to how involved different poster are willing and able to be. It takes time to 'lick your wounds' so to speak and many people both need and want time away from all this pain and suffering. It's healthy to be able to let go of the P issues and get on with life and my guess is that that is what happens to many former members.

As well, some people are just not comfortable with the written word and prefer to stay on the sidelines and just read posts. They too, get something out of the forum. Not everyone can express themselves in writing.

I think what's important is that we all learn something from each other. I have learned a great deal here and each poster, who is willing to communicate her/his story contribute something valuable for someone else.

This 'someone' is a person that we never meet because they do not post. I am convinced that every person posting helps someone else.

I just got home and I haven't had the time to carefully read all your posts, but I get a feeling or sense that you have stopped working altogether. If so, how is that affecting you? You sound like a woman with a strong work ethic and not working (if that's the case) would likely affect you negatively.

Take care,

Nan

Hi Nan,

I thought it might have something to do with summer. Yes, this is all heavy stuff and it can be wearing. It's just an observation that it seemed slower than it appeared previously, from earlier posts. I keep forgetting that there are probably people just lurking. I too am still not entirely comfortable with posting these kinds of things on the internet but to some extent, I'm past caring. If it helps someone in the process then all the better.

About working, I do not work on the corporate side anymore. My profession is fairly specialized and jobs are scarce during the best of times. During the recession they all but disappeared. I have been developing a home-based business (same line of work) but it's a tall order, considering where my confidence is right now. Ironically, I was considered very mentally tough at work.

You're right that I have a strong work ethic. It's interesting that you were able to conclude that through a few posts whereas some relatives who should know that seem to think otherwise. I'm learning to put them on "ignore". That's advice I would give anyone in these situations, cut the negative people out of your life pronto. It's not worth the mental energy and distraction of dealing with them.

I think the loss of my career has been tough, sometimes excruciating, because everything flows from one's livelihood. So you're right, it does affect me negatively. I was fortunate enough to have gotten into a profession that I absolutely love and that put me in touch with some outstanding people. I also relished it because it felt like a major victory after the first P. I've always believed I would get back into it, but lately I'm thinking that it may be unrealistic at least for now, because I'm in worse shape psychologically than I conceded before this. The mind is a funny thing.

The guys I worked with (including P boss) broke a slew of securities laws to the detriment of shareholders. Many corporate scandals have been uncovered in the last few years but this bunch seemed to have slipped under the radar. I'm glad for my independent streak though, I think it served me well in one way, that I wouldn't play ball. There are people at other companies who were pressured to go along with fraudulent activity, did it to keep their jobs (and because they were assured that the senior guys would take the rap!!), and they're now facing jail time. Bad move. These guys are nothing if not sleazy.

I've seen your other post. Thanks for that.

I will respond to you and Mati later.

Sylvie

Hi to all of us here

i haven't wrote in a while
i have been busy trying to get myself into no contact mode
after being in a no contact mode for awhile and messing it up

i finally am doing better but only by a miracle from God
i have been asking God to help me to not see him anymore
because i went back at seeing him only rarely but it was still too much.
I was watching a tv christian show a few weeks ago
i prayed feeling a bit sarcasstic because my heart was still so attached to him and somehow after praying the feeling of wanting to be with him is gone he tried to talk to me in public and was trying to make a scene to scare me so i would change my mind and go with him but i was strong and did not go with him and he left.
He called a few time at 1.30 in the morning but i never answer the phone. The thing i don't understand if he really wants to talk to me why doesn't he call in the day time because i told him at 1.30am in the morning or 5am i am asleep.
I finally am staying really away from him.
He was looking bad everytime i would visit him and after our visit he would clean up and look great and would ask me to drop him around the corner and i got tired of him doing this to me from a guy who love me so much and wanted to marry me
so anyway the joke is over.

I have been reading a lot and other psychopath site to drill in my mind what i am up against and finally it is sinking in by the grace of God i have a strenght that is not of me.

Talking about him right now i still have feeling for him but i am fed up with his attitude toward me
he just wants me for money
------------------------------------------------
i wrote this upper message a few days ago
last night i went to bed really early i get a phone call about 9pm i did not look who called i did not have my glasses on and it was him i did not hang up he wanted to see me, i tell him i am broke because every single time we are together since oct. 1998 i met him it has been "money give me" i tell him if he really loves me i would not have to give him money and he says flat out that he is rich and he is not asking me for money he is acting poor to see who are his real friend Huh! and if i marry him i will see how rich he is, i tell him if i marry you, you will say that i am marrying you for your money so anyway i broke the no contact but i feel strongly that i will not see him and answer his call when i see who it is like i have been doing so good the last few weeks.

When i am not with him my life is so much better
i have a lot of friends but when i am with him people don't want to be around me they are afraid of him he has punched and provoked people that were just talking to me.
So i have plenty light bulbs to see that he is not for real.

It was his birthday august 25 he leaves a message on my phone using someone else's phone (he does not have one) which is long distance and saying that i should have call someone to tell the person to go to him and tell him Happy Birthday now i would not know who to call to do such a thing
because he always tells me do not call back on the whoever's phone he is using to call me.
Just to show you how he thinks which is an impossible situation.

thank you for been here

freedom

Hi freedom, you are a very brave strong woman for resisting this "creature". Baby steps and it looks like you are taking a big leap by your "no contact" mode. I wish you the best and we are always here for you.

Di

Hi freedom

I too give thanks to God for my ability to cope at present. I know that when we trust Him that we will overcome our difficulties. It is a process I think, getting stronger and stronger and there are always times in the beginning when we slip up. But we learn through it and it makes us stronger still. God bless
Mati

Freedom,

I also totally relate to you at the moment.

I'm worried about you because P is seriously messing around with your head. How much you love someone depends on you being financially responsible, being physically and mentally healthy and respecting yourself. How can you do that if someone else is milking you of money to prove how much you love him?

That is an example of P logic. Please leave this P alone and go away and love someone who appreciates your love for what it is, without financial requirements.

Paying someone to value you love is crazy Freedom, please think about it, this P is really making you sound crazy.

My heart goes out to you.

My P has tried to contact me in the last week and he will be here soon... I am trying to steal myself to not give into him and speak or see him.

Keep strong Freedom.

KT

My "lightbulb moment" was basically when my feet started touching the ground again! I honestly felt like I was "floating" for almost a month --before that little "red flags" started going up and I totally ignored them! I was so captivated I didn't care about anything else! I even remember saying to him (when he was complimenting me for the 100th time!) "Even if these are all lies, I feel so awesome - I don't even CARE!" (Of course they were, and I DO CARE - but at the time I was "high" on his FAKE adoration). Yuck. Anyway, I remember one morning when he was prying for information about my past "loves" and when I told him things he got all jealous and angry! I told him "That was LONG before I knew you - 20 years ago!" and he still kept making nasty comments and being like a two year old brat and asking me "Is there anything you want to tell me? )! I felt like I was being violated and bothered. It was then I realized he wasn't playing with a "full deck". There were the other times (after I knew him only a week) and he was meeting me after work but said he wouldn't be able to come until 6 because he was giving his "friend" a ride - I get out of work at 5, so to "kill time" I went to the bathroom, to my car and put makeup on, etc...) I went outside my office to meet him and he was FURIOUS! He said "I can't stay- I have to go!" I was like "WHAT'S WRONG?" He FINALLY after much coaxing and trying to calm him down admitted he was able to get to my workplace earlier than 6 and he came into my office and I WASN'T THERE! (GOD FORBID!) He said "I figured you met someone else and were having a fling with him or something!" I was shocked and confused and just said "ARE you KIDDING ME?" I was just "killing time" and wandering around! It took quite some time before he calmed down and he kept saying how it "wasn't him" to act like that - (but there were MANY other blow-ups and "episodes" that proved THAT WRONG!). BUT, the FINAL STRAW was when I told him I was considering living with my mom for a while until I decided what to do (leave my marriage, kids and HOME - yes I was temporarly "INSANE!!!"?!) and he said "Well, my "room mate" says if I have a girlfriend I should live with HER!" I said "what are you implying, that you move in with ME at my MOM'S?" He was like "Yes, then we could really be together!" WHAT?!?!?! That was when I (FINALLY) realized I was dealing with a lying, manipulative, loser psychopathic JERK! Still, it took almost another month before I was rid of him! (or am I?) I'd love to hear more of these - I hope more "targets" post theirs. Thanks and STAY STRONG EVERYONE!!!

My lightbulb moment occurred about 2 years ago - yes I said 2 years! When I heard the word sociopath for the 1st time I had no idea what they were speaking of but after looking it up I began to fall apart. It was at that second that I realized the man I had been involved with for the past year definitely had all the traits of a sociopathic personality. I believe at that time I must have gone into shock. Eventually I came to terms with what had just transpired - then stupidly became completely engulfed in this person all over again for another 2 years. I finally moved on which is where I am today. The reason for me being here.