I'm in a never ending cycle of appearances in Family Court, all initiated by my son's mother. He's 13 and I lost count of how many times I've appeared, somewhere around 16. My son's early years and mediation was a NIGHTMARE. Fingers were always pointed at ME for having the problem. She would sit there like Sweet Polly Pureheart and weave her web of lies so convincingly. Then I would tell my story about what is REALLY happening and everyone pretty well says, in a manner of speaking, what kind of idiot do you think we are to believe a story like that?"

She one time poisoned our son to make it look like I'm an unfit father, for 6 months she would not answer the door when I came to pick him up for visitation until my son's was crying and screaming "I don't want to go, I don't want to go". Then she'd open the door and start screaming herself. We were taking my son to a psychologist beccause i was worried how this was affecting him, weekends were horrible with him. The psychologist scoffed at me like I was an idiot to think he'd believe a story like that and said, not as a question but as a remark, "what kind of mother would do a thing like that". I just broke down and started crying. She would give me times to come pick up the child before she went to work. The times she gave me would make her late for work then she'd go in and tell them I was always late picking up the child. This woman is vicious and cold and I CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT. And the more upset I get about it, the more the authorities tell me I HAVE A PROBLEM.

Hi Swest,

I am so sorry!

How's your son taking all this?

I do not have a good answer to your question. I have no experience with family court cases and P's. But we have started a group here, because the very concerns that you outline: Children's Rights, How to deal with the Authorities when one parent is a P, and other type of related issues are something that we want a lot more focus on. Ali is in charge of this group that, among others, includes Recovery who knows a great deal about this particular issue.

Meanwhile, please realise that you are not crazy. The authorities have a difficult time with psychopaths, these clever, manipulating people, who always manage to come out looking clean as the driven snow.

The more frantic you (understandably) get, the 'crazier' the authorities will think you are, so try and stay calm. It's hard I know, but VERY important. Your son deserves to know that you are doing the very best you can, and right now that very best is staying calm.

No you cannot do anything about changing his mother's behaviour. What you CAN do is change how you act and most importently, how your re-act. Do not allow her behaviour to dictate how you behave.

Regards,

Nan

Thank you Nan for the moral support. It's so nice to find some people to bounce this stuff off of that understands just how insane all this is.

You asked how my son is taking all this. I have no idea what goes on at his mother's house. But when he's with me he's VERY withdrawn and quiet. His speech is very monotone and I can't remember the last time we laughed together. He says he has friends that he plays with but I wonder about that. He's 13 and lives about 10 blocks away from me. We live at the beach, it's the middle of summer and if he's been outside doing things like other kids do he'd have some kind of tan. But he's as white as if it were the middle of winter. He doesn't open up about at all bout his life or what he does when he's with his mom. I can tell that he feels less than comfortable when he's with me. I like to surf, he says he doesn't like the ocean. I've got him a bicycle, he won't ride it. His mother has worked to alienate him from me since the very beginning of his life and I'm afraid the mold is set.

Hi SWest

I'm so sorry you are having this problem with your son. None of us here have yet come up with an answer to this situation, but as Nan said, some of us have grouped together to try to make the authorities aware that this problem exists - the sweet, rational, believable psychopath playing havoc with the life of a child, driving the 'normal' parent to the point of despair and hysteria. There are just a few things from our collective experience that may help you:

1. Continue to believe in yourself. You are NOT mad, you are not imagining any of this, you are a caring parent and your son needs you in his life.
2. Document everything. Keep a journal of times, dates, places, events. It is easy to become flustered and forget the main issues in the haze of lies and confusion created by the psychopath.
3. Have a look at this site re Parental Alienation: http://www.couplescompany.com/Advice/Parenting/PAS2.htm
4. This woman knows exactly which buttons to push to make you appear hysterical, neurotic and over-emotional. Somehow you have to overcome this and present the appearance to the authorities of being rational, sensible and stable. Sometimes its easier to do this in writing rather than in person.

Not sure if any of that will help, but please come back to this site often and offload - I have found that just being able to communicate with people who understand the situation is a huge help in healing and taking charge of your life.

All the very best

**edited to make link clickable, Di

Hi, the judge in my contact case is thinking of agreeing to my request to diagnose my daughter's father using Hare's psychopathy checklist. How do I find a qualified and experienced psychiatrist to do this? And how much will it cost?

Hi Learner,

"How do I find a qualified and experienced psychiatrist... to diagnose my daughter's father using Hare's psychopathy checklist."

You don't start small...<smile>.

There is a brand new service from Google. Google Scholar. http://scholar.google.com/

It is very organised around subjects and does not resemble the ordinary Google in any way. You may be able to find something there that could possibly be of value and may lead you towards what you are looking for.

The only other thing I can suggest is to contact the Psychiatric Society or Medical Association in your area and take it from there. Certainly, you should be able to get a referal to at least one psychiatrist, whom you can interview in order to find out more. I believe that most doctors worth their salt will allow you a short amount (10 or 15min.) of gratis time in order to establish their credentials and specialty.

Unless this test is court ordered, I am reasonably certain that you will have to pay the considerable hourly rate that a psychiatrist charges for his/her services.

Since you sound fairly certain that this man is a P, this money could be the best money you ever spent. Paying a psychiatrist is truly nothing, however dear, to the future heartache that a P can create for you and your daughter - plus the money he will cost you in the long run.

Good luck with your search,

Nan

Hi Learner

I think you have a great challenge ahead of you. I was put thru the mills in the Scottish courts as I tried to have the system even consider psychopathy for my ex. I new there were probably pointers in his medical psychiatric record - but the Sherriff refused to grant access as I would use the knowledge to prevent my ex getting unsupervised access!!! Why else would I be doing it but to protect my child.

Any way it is a long story - I got nowhere - he fooled them. We are now living in England.

I also tried to get an expert witness in psychiatry - she made a 20 minute stop with me, saw him with his fiance and her daughter playing happy families for 25 minutes and then wrote a report I had to pay for which said nothing. How could it, with out access to other people, past records etc - so be very careful of "experts".

I could go on. I don't want to depress you. But if you have a judge who is willing to listen then you do have a head start. I hope your solicitor is also switched on.

Hope to talk to you later about this.

Good luck

Recovery

How I sympathise! My daughter and ex husband are both psychopaths and my granddaughter is in care. My daughter has tried to stop me seeing Jess and it is a constant battle, but psychopaths have a way of turning things upside down so that you seem to be the one with the vicious problem!! It is about time this syndrome was more widely recognised and talked about openly so that ordinary people are protected by knowledge.
Does anyone know of any psychologists who know how to deal with these people? They have had it their own way for too long!!!