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#3315 - 01/15/06 11:51 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: Diane1969]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you, Dianne, for a most informative reply!

I have known the person I'm talking about for two years, but we haven't met that much. We talk on the phone sometimes too. Some of the things you say ring a bell, but other things are non-existant in him. I've been wary of any ingratiation and excessive self-confidence and self-praise. He does not really try to impress me with great stories about his life and things he has done. So I can eliminate that. He is imprisoned. Used to work on a construction site. He never boasts about things he has done. Dr Hare wrote that psychopaths usually do that in an attempt to impress another person. Does anyone have experience of this?

He does call me sweet things and tells me how he feels so alive again after having got to know me. That gave me associations to your point about impact.

He did not give me any compliments when we met, but did so when we spoke on the phone a couple of days later.
He is very shy and "nervous when talking to girls", he says. Can some psychopaths be shy?

Perhaps I should try to confront him with something..?


Hope you can think of more to sy, Dianne! It's really helpful!
And I'll keep scrutinizing my experience of him in the meantime.


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#3316 - 01/15/06 12:21 PM Re: General Discussion -
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Well, my P did not talk about himself much at all at first. As I was trying to explain, during this hunt and capture phase it was all about me, to the extent that I knew very little about him. He rather dropped little snippets about himself, designed to impress me, but which later I found out were all mostly untrue with just a tiny bit of truth thrown in. They are completely believable. That is what makes it so hard.

Some P's may fall more on the out of control grandiose side. Mine didn't call attention to his narcissism, but it is there rigidly and completely. These guys are sneaky, not flaming N's, usually. Manipulative is the key word, rather than narcissistic. But there are clues. Something always seems missing or doesn't add up. There is an inauthenticity about their perfection, an inflexibility that becomes very apparent over time. The key is to walk away, though, when the clues present themselves to you, rather than wait. With a P' the longer you are involved, the harder it is for them to let you go.

One thing that I found so odd during this first phase is that the P didn't seem to have anything to say that was counter to me... this is odd, because we all have different opinions on things, and having discussions about differing opinions is just a normal part of getting to know someone. P's seem very fluid in their beliefs, for example, and will be whatever they think you need them to be. My ex came across as all love and light, all acceptance of me and my beliefs, etc. They seem very mild mannered, sweet, loving, but they can't confront you about anything. This also lends to the impression that they are shallow, because they share nothing of a shadowy nature with you, no arguments with you, not even much of simple disagreements with you.

With my P, thinking back to the early days, there seemed to be some inauthenticity to me about the relationship itself. It didn't go the way a normal relationship usually goes, with the normal deepening and moving closer that happens when you get to know someone and learn to trust them. I broke up with him after three months of dating because his self-perfectionism seemed to rigid to me. It felt like we could never get off the first date. He tried to hard to impress me and I just thought that he was a player. My body told me that this person couldn't make commitments and would cheat on me. Trust your instincts.

I never felt I could let my hair down with him. I couldn't even begin to get close to him because his perfectionism was like a rigid glass wall. He never let himself be vulnerable with me in the here and now. The best he could do was come up with histories of being hurt in the past. (These stories turned out to be all fabricated.) There is very little real one on one interaction in the present. You can't work anything out because they don't have any negotiation skills, no ability to give and take, no understanding of compromise. So conflicts are very weird around them.

Manipulation and inauthenticity are key concepts to remember. Everything is designed to put stars in your eyes for them. You may find yourself really wanting to trust them, but there is always something that warns you that they haven't actually earned your trust. There is no behavior to back up the words. Their bodies and actions will give them away, if you keep your eyes open.

I hope this helps,

Diane1969


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#3317 - 01/16/06 09:40 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: Diane1969]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you very much! This will help me, I think!
Do you mind if I print your last two posts in this thread?

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#3318 - 01/16/06 10:11 AM Re: General Discussion -
Anonymous
Unregistered


I came to think of something...

I usually call him 'my charmer'. Because he is very charming and sweet. And he always replies with such a strong confidence: "Yeah, I'm a charmer" and laughs heartily. There is something about his self-confidence that I find so odd. He doesn't boast about his actions, but he seems so confident whenever I give him compliments. It's like he KNOWS that he is so gorgeous. I keep trying to ignore it, but sometimes it's just hilarious. I've never met someone with such a great self-image.

Another thing is that he promises things that he does not keep. He promises to send me things, gifts, secret gifts, but never does. And he promises to write to me a lot, but later says it's impossible and he doesn't want to because all his letters are censored by the a censorship commission in the prison that looks for any personal details that might reveal something about him. He says that they could be profilers who are analyzing him and that's why he tells me so little about himself through letters and hardly ever writes to me.

He has told me about his family, his dad, mom and three siblings. He has told me about his life before he went to prison, and he revealed a great deal to me when I was able to visit him half a year ago. But he seems so paranoid. So extremely self-conscious and shy... It's just odd.

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#3319 - 01/16/06 11:34 AM Re: General Discussion -
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi UpLate, I don't understand why you are engaging and corresponding with this person? Your odds are stacked against you with practically 1 in 3 chances this guy is a Psychopath.

Personally I am quite opposed to corresponding with inmates.

In reply to:

He says that they could be profilers who are analyzing him and that's why he tells me so little about himself through letters and hardly ever writes to me. Doesn't this seem a bit odd? Is he such a big time criminal that profilers are seeking him out? Sounds like pure lies to me.

He has told me about his family, his dad, mom and three siblings. Unless someone who I think might be a Psychopath provided me with a video of his home life, I would discount most of it.He has told me about his life before he went to prison, and he revealed a great deal to me when I was able to visit him half a year ago. But he seems so paranoid. So extremely self-conscious and shy... It's just odd.


This is in sharp contrast to how you are describing him, I am confused.

I am not sure how far we should take this conversation. If you know the odds are stacked against you, what is the attraction? Certainly there are better choices of men that aren't in prison and you don't suspect as being Psychopaths?

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#3320 - 01/17/06 09:51 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


I don't know. I think the reason you are confused and the reason I am confused is because things don't add up. There's something odd about him. I think I should find out more about him before I say anything else.

The problem is that I'm in love with him and have been so for a long time. He is the best guy for me, personality-wise. I don't have a particular fetish for prisoners. These romantic emotions were unexpected, but I can't help it. I'm not someone who is turned on by vicious killers who eat their victims' genitals. This guy seems to me like someone who's got stamina. His masculinity was something that attracted me very.

I guess I'll just have to examine him further.

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#3321 - 04/03/06 10:10 AM Re: General Discussion -
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
I have to write this down. I'm not sure if it's funny or annoying, probably both in a way.

The same Ps who have spent years trashing my reputation around my community in order to discredit me in case I tell people about the illicit activity they've been involved in (still are), are now telling other people they really CARE about me and want me to do well!!

Ps are such major snakes and always speak with forked tongues and expect people to buy it. Actually I think the reason they are backpeddaling to some extent is because some of their badmouthing has backfired - some people have caught on to what their agenda is and it reflects poorly on the Ps.

My turn.

Sylvie


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#3322 - 04/03/06 10:19 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: sylvie25]
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
Forked tongues is right! Trying to make themselves look better, aren't they? The best piece of advice I was given about my P, "just let them keep talking...the more they talk, the more lies they tell and the deeper the hole they dig for themselves". It has actually proven itself in my case!

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#3323 - 04/03/06 10:23 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: neverthesame]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
It has actually proven itself in my case!

Good for you. I plan to help it along, covertly though, since I have been advised it's way past due to stand up for myself!

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#3324 - 04/03/06 10:29 AM Re: General Discussion - [Re: sylvie25]
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
P's can just quickly adapt to the situation at hand and say whatever they think they need to say. They simply could be saying that to gain more information about you, etc. Hopefully the person your P said this to is someone you can trust. Be careful...

I believe at some point in time, justice will be done!

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