I'm new to this site and I hope y'all can help. My husbands' nephew scares me. He's burn up two cars and a trailer in 2 years. He's also sunk a houseboat...But that's not what scares me. He's a taker. He's taken from my 75 year old mother-in-law, he's taken from us, he takes from everyone and doesn't look back. His family thinks this is normal and accepts it. Nobody will talk about it or confront him. There's just too much to explain, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Hi Deely,

Welcome to the forum.

We will do the best we can to help you.

Can you explain in a little more detail how we can help you?

Take care,

Nan

My story just seems so involved...I wasn't sure you would want to here it all.

OK..I'm going to try to explain why I feel so uncomfortable about my situation. I'm from XX. & been living in XX for 10 years...been married to a local boy for 9. I'm 52. We lived independently on a boat for 6 years till his mom needed supervison. We sold everything and built a house on the family property...Soon after his nephew (27yrs old) moved a trailer onto this property and proceeded to burn a car and the trailer (though 2 years apart). Previously they (nephew & husbands' sister) lived in XX., XX and XX. Don't know what his history is. While he was here he met a girl on the internet & married her 3 weeks later. Anyway, I am the only one who has confronted him...told him that I know what he is up to and he threatened to hurt me...Im 120lb he's 250! The cops kinda giggled. (I pushed him). He's applied for both the police dept. and the fire dept! After his trailer burned down he moved in with his grandmother and proceeded to trash her house...He doesn't work... Gov't diabilty pension ... did't pay rent, didn't cook for her, stole what wasn't tied down. My husband doesn't like confrontation...so...I'm left with the stress of caring for his mom without any control over the situation.

Dear Deely,

It's easy to see that you are in a very stressful and uncomfortable situation.

If I understand you correctly, you called the police when the nephew threatened to hurt you. Although the police may not be able to do anything right now, at least they know that he has threatened you.

You write that he now lives with his grandmother and that he has trashed her home and stolen from her. If this woman is an older senior citizen you could perhaps alert the Social Servies in her county that she is being mistreated.

You mention that your husband's mother needs supervision. Is she dement or what is the reason why she needs supervision? If she is dement or has some other disability like that, the Social Services should be able to help you. At the very least you may get them to arrange for a social worker to visit your home to assess the situation. Clearly, you have too much on your plate right now and you need help.

For the moment, it seems that you need help with some very basic and practical things. While the issues with the nephew are serious enough to warrant intervention, I would leave that alone for now. He is dangerous!

First things first! You need some practical and possibly some financial help to manage the care of your mother-in-law, before you can even begin to untangle the issues with the nephew.

Your husband is clearly interested in helping his mother or he would not have moved in the first place. If I were you, I would calmly impress on him that his mother needs more help than you can both give her and that he must help you find ways to involve the Social Services.

Once you have some semblance of order in your personal life, you will have more energy to help yourself, and you will start to feel that you have some control over your own situation.

In the meantime, if the nephew acts up again, call the police. They will already have a registerd domestic disturbance complaint against him, so they will know that he is up to no good.

Don't lose heart. Stay strong and try to take care of one thing at time.

Hugs,

Nan

Deely,

welcome!

The DSM IV for Antisocial Personality Disorder:

A. There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.

(2) Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.

(3) Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

(4) Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.

(5) Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

(6) Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behaviour or honour financial obligations.

(7) Lack or remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalising having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

B. The individual is at least age 18 years.

C. There is evidence of Conduct Disorder with onset before age 15 years.

D. The occurrence of antisocial behaviour is not exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia or a Manic Episode

Not all sociopaths are psychopaths and vice versa. The DSM IV focuses on the behaviour and not on the personality traits, such as charm, glibness, and lack of affect, conscience and empathy, etc, that Robert Hare's Psychopath descriptor encompasses.

This nephew's firestarting is dangerous so the primary issue you have is ensuring your physical safety, i.e. get rid of the firestarter.

Since you describe that you are now living on the same property as your mother-in-law and husband's nephew, and that you have invested in the property, is it possible that you and your husband have some ownership of the property?

If so as owners you can throw this nephew off your property.

If the property is owned by your mother-in-law, is there a possibility that you or your husband could get a power of attorney over your mother-in-law so that you can report your nephew's theft of her effects and money, eject him from her property and file complaints with the police and eventually get a restraining order if he returns and persists in firestarting, stealing and cheating your mother-in-law?

If there are no grounds for a power of attorney (because your mother-in-law is mentally well) then try to empower her with information to facilitate her ridding herself of her abusive grandson (press charges herself, eject him, and get a restraining / exclusion order if he persists).

Also you could look into and implement protecting her resources from her grandson, and without anything to gain, he might leave of his own accord.

Of course, Grandmothers tend to look at even rogue grandsons with rose tinted glasses, and your husband's nephew seems to be the type to shamelessly exploit such endearment. If this is your circumstance, past taking all precautions against the nephew's pyromaniac tendency, I can only suggest you do everything you can to limit your emotional involvement with your mother-in-law's situation, given she is then abetting him.

Personally I would not antagonise anyone who has a lack of respect of others property, is deficient of empathy and is a firestarter, especially if they shared my abode!

I hope there is a fast resolution to this extremely worrying situation for you Deely.

KT