My sister is not a psychopath but she is sick. As usual, the brunt has fallen on me and I am completely disfunctional b/c of the abuse falling on me from my parents b/c of their pain and her manipulation of the truth and my refusal to go along with it. I am 44 and single--can't date (and hit on by men half my age all the time) and can't hold a job--on disability "for an inability to deal with authority-- guess so after being raised in the nut house I was raised in. I have a high IQ but can't string more than a coupe thoughts together in a straight line and have a racing mind that no drugs can suppress). Onto my sister. This is the story.
In 1991 she married a man with a violent and vicious criminal history. He met her, was clean and sober--just out of jail (again) and 35 years old. she was around 29. He made her go to a dentist, get a drivers license, get sober, married her, bought her a house, bought her a car, bought her furniture, loved my parents, put up with her bringing home 13 cats one by one and even built them an outdoor pen. Look, at this point in the story I will even bend over backwards for her and put 50% of the blame on him. Long story short, they relapsed. What I can't forget was that she was a daily [censored] to him. When this man picks up a drug, he becomes a different person entirely. It is like a drug induced psychosis. He becomes an animal. I will also add that my sister has a penchant for violence and there is a sick part of her that likes it. That DOES not excuse his behavior. They ran around for years before he was picked up on a number of warrants and did time again. His abuse of her during this relapse was horrible.
When he got out in 1999, she came back from Mississippi a drunken bum again who couldn't find her home state and got mugged in NYC walking to a bar. He drove up to get her. His mother kept her and cleaned her up. It took a while. My parents would not touch her with a ten foot pole.
They started over. He got a job as a roofer and worked like a dog for 4 years and hit the 12 step meetings everynight. She relapsed off and on for 4 years. His "hobby" was helping others. His recovery this time was different. He had a serenity and a contentment about him he never had before. He loved children. (He always did). He loved the Eagles, tinkering with old cars (he was good), Nascar, the beach. What you have to know about him is that it is an undisputed fact that he never laid a hand on anyone when he was sober and that there is absolutely no question he was clean and sober for 4 years. He cooked, he cleaned, he paid every bill in the house while she fraudulently opened credit cards in my grandmother's name and bought herself every piece of junk under the sun. She camped from loser job to loser job.He wanted her to get her GED and go to nursing school. She had the talent for it. And he didn't care that he wa footing the bills. She verbally abused him on a daily basis to the point where the man was walking stooped over. He'd laugh and say " I love you" and kiss her ass. I think guilt over his past actions of his life---he needed abuse like this or something.
My daughter's last night in this state for the summer was her sleepover with them-he was the one that was good with her--my sister never came home.He made up a lie to protect my daughter that she had to work all night. I have to shorten this saga for you all reading this----- she picked up a scumbag at the crummy truckstop diner she was working at.
He went looking for her after we got my daughter off to the airport the next day and he put on a fake happy face for my crying daughter.
He found her after two days. (I was involved, this is not heresay). She came home. She appologized. He was elated there was hope to work it out. He came home from work the next day. The scumbag was in his house. My sister sat there laughing at him--I was on his cell phone as this was happening--was watching out for him---for the first time in 4 years--- helping him, along with his 12 step buddies to keep him strong--. This went on for 12 days. She played him like a yo-yo to get him to relapse. On the 12th day, my last conversation with him, he said " I can't live without her" he was reduced to tears--this from sensible talk of divorce.
He was murdered July 17th.
He turned 48 July 6th.
He celebrated 4 years clean and sober around the end of June.
He went out about July 5th. He wasted no time buying crack. She smoked with him. She sent me nasty e-mails. She called me about July 14th sober and said everything was fine and they worked everything out and she was going to get him off the crack and that he doesn't hit anymore b/c she stands up to him and she isn't afraid of him anymore.
2 days later he was dead.
Only the police force has ever gotten this man off of crack. When they got in there, he had cut the phone lines from the iinside the last 2 days (I know from trying to call and in hind sight). He gutted the computer modem. She had a burn on her chest (sternum) from a crack pipe. It has not scarred. He'd stomped on her toes. No excuse but he had finally earned health insurance and recently had both feet corrected. And she had bruises on her shins.
She stabbed him in the jugular.
He bled to death.
Last time I went to the prison to visit her she said she didn't murder anybody.
She is telling everyone half truths....which makes me look like an evil sister.
I want her to stop lying to her attorney (who is no good) and everyone else b/c they will make a fool of her in court. She is crazy enough as is her attorney to take this to a jury.
Meanwhile, my parents are on the "We hate her husband" bandwagon, what an animal he was... forgetting that she ruined every holiday he had, every holiday we ever had for that fact, she is whining to my parents b/c my daughter hasn't written her--I cooled that WAYYYYYYY off------my sister, rather than apologizing to my daughter, she alludes to what a bad guy he really was when in fact he was wonderful to my daughter the last 4 years and my daughter adored him.
I went to her pre-lim out of pity.
Funny how all of a sudden my parents are jumping down my throat again.
I absolve myself from this case and dreamt all night I was on the DA's side--the side I'd really like to be on.
MY SISTER IS CLUELESS AS TO THE PAIN SHE HAS CAUSED SO MANY PEOPLE THAT IS IRRESVERABLE AND THAT SHE TOOK THE LIFE OF A MAN WHO WAS LOVED BY HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, RACES, AND SEXES. SHE FEELS SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO THIS, HE DESERVED IT, AND SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. She thinks she should get 1 to 3 years. I am tired of trying to make her see the truth of what is going to happen.
I absolutely believe her husband would have defied the statistics and only she--his wife--his love, with her self-centered, morbid fascination with evil, and her manipulation could have created with hard work, his relapse...as does everyone else who knew him.
And yes,
it was his choice.
But he could not face being alone.
And you know what?
I am alone and have been alone and it sucks and it is truly something to fear enough to let it take you to the grave.

Feed back welcome

Would like to add, how many can relate to their problem relative dabbling in the black arts? My sister has for many years--white witchcraft, voodoo, tarot, you name it. Had gotten out of it and began getting back into it again.

Hi Outsider

I read your story and thought " it can't be real" then I thought again and realised it could be and obviously is. Your sister seems to be where she deserves to be and I don't believe she can ever change - P's don't. Maybe you should cut the ties - you can't let your life be wasted too. You need to get some help for yourself to get your life on the up. To live again. If you have the IQ and the will then I am sure you can get out of the blackness.

Will your family and friends help?

What do you want to do?

I am sure you will get help and support from this forum as some of our members have come through horrific times.

Good luck

Recovery

Hi Outsider,

For someone who, as you say, "cannot string more than a couple of thoughts together in a straight line", you have told a horrific story with incredible clarity.

Your sister is not, I think, going to change, but you can! It seems that nothing will save your sister - she is safer in prison than anywhere else, where she cannot harm anyone with her violent, abusive and selfdenigrating behaviour.

Since her husband couldn't save her and lost his life in the bargain, chances are that you cannot either. She is obviously unable to see the truth and my guess is that you are wasting your breath not to mention your energy, by trying to get her to see the light.

If you believe that your sister is evil and even dapples in the black arts, you would be much better off staying away altogether. The kind of energy generated by evil thoughts or an evil mind, is never giving and healing, but quite the opposite. By visiting her and being close to her you are only being pulled further into a morass that in the end could prove very difficult to get out of.

From your post it seems that your main objective is to get your sister to see the truth of what she has done. That you want her to understand the pain and suffering she has caused everyone who loves her. It seems that she may be too ill to see anything beyond her own nose and the truth appears not to be part of it.

You should take care of you! Try to use your energies to create positive and healing aspects and bring them into your life.

Yes, it can be hard to be alone. Or to feel alone. But there's a reason why you're born and a reason for why you are alive and your life has purpose even if you do not yet know or feel that you know what that purpose is.

If not for the Light there could not be darkness.

Hang on!

Stay well,

Nan

I can't believe I found this site It is a Godsend. Thanks people. Nan, you nailed it on the head. What I want EXACTLY is for her to see the light and to get brutally honest with what she has done and the irreparable damage--he had hoards of nieces and nephews that adored him and four siblings who felt the same way.
No man could have loved her more and she took that love and did the most grotesque and horrible things imaginable with it. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart for him--as you read in the post--he was no angel. But he was one who had truly finally found himself and God and knew what was important in life--the small things, the moment, and other people.

I never could get to know my sister even though she lived in very close proximity to me almost all of my life. Is this typical?

Hi Outsider,

I think many people who are as psychologically challenged as you sister have problems with intimacy.

Psychopaths don't tend to let people close to their real selves, but appear to be very good at getting people to feel very connected to their false selves / masks.

You used terminology that is more closely associated to Borderline Personality Disorder to describe your sister, e.g. walking on eggshells. Those with BPD tend to be very uncomfortable with intimacy, it can make them feel insecure and engulfed simultaneously, which can manifest as rage.

I think many in the forum have mentioned lack of intimacy in relating their experiences with their Ps.

It is hard to imagine how terrible your situation is emotionally, having lost a dear relative at the hands of another close relative. I hope you have access to professionals who can help you manage the tremendous grief you must be experiencing - is it possible that grief is underlying your depression?

Best Wishes

KT

Hi KT,

You write:

"I think many in the forum have mentioned lack of intimacy in relating their experiences with their Ps."

Yes! I remember very clearly a sense that the P I knew did not know how to relate to me in a way that was soft and tender. He did not like being touched unless HE initiated the touching. If I touched him: a brief embrace or a gentle touch on the shoulder, it would elicit an immediate sense that he would prefer remaining untouched. Once, when I asked about this, he said that no one had ever touched him in that way. I was incredulous! He was then past the age I am now. Had been married twice, had had several relationships and NO ONE had ever touched him in an affectionate manner?

I did not understand it then, but I do now.

How sad to neither need nor want to be touched affectionately. To not know how or know why it is needed and wanted.

Nan

HI Nan and KT

Just thought I'd say that in my experience it was the opposite - he was very touchy -feely - always had to hold his hand when out, sleep close at night etc -Only when he was ready to move on and the mask started to slip did I get the "no contact unless I want sex" message - and then it was delivered loud and clear!


Also as an aside on the children's act - I have started reading it - but actually can't see anywhere where it actively promotes shared parenting - but I'll keep reading. Work kept me busy last night so i did not get as much done as I wanted.

best wishes

REcovery

Hi everyone who is answering me and helping me now to try and sort this out.
The thing about "walking on eggshells" came from a post I read here about 16 types of p's and one of them was "explosive" and that is my sister to a "T".
I am in turmoil now trying to figure out if it is possible that she fits this disorder.
One thing is quite certain, that since she "took" him out and is incarcerated, she is acting just like one.
So I then look to her history.
She's been a problem since birth.
Is it common for the parents to consider the P a loving generous child--- the opposite of all the signs and all the trouble and all the things they do?
Can a "P" love animals?--- on the other hand--her love of cats was EXTREMELY EGOCENTRIC. She's a Leo and would get drunk and practically consider herself some sort of special cat person most especially the beauties like the Lynx. Her whole bedroom was done up-- ridiculously so-- in cats--leopard print. Well overdone. Anyway,
she had a baby at home in the bathroom many years ago and considers herself wonderful for saving it's life. There was no prenatal care. She put her up for open adoption but won't see her (before the incarceration) "b/c she can't stand the adoptive mother."
She took in my grandmother to care for her a few years back. Was this an act for the family? Listen to this? Came close to a situation where she could have been charged w/ involuntary manslaughter or such b/c my Gran had a heart attack and my sister was drunk and refused to take her to the hospital. The doctor was mad. It could have been lousy judgment and it sobered up my sister. It was not a full cardiac arrest.
PLEASE keep talking folks.
I am trying so hard to figure this out.
I am trying to get into a clinic for therapy.
Thank you
Outsider