I am seeing a therapist, and I get through the days, with smiles and pretense, but I am in so much pain. I feel like I've been shot through the heart. I received an email from him last week after not hearing from him for a month. I had sent dozens of emails wondering what happenned with his dangerous, "secret mission to Iraq". I also wrote that I was on to him but didn't let him know that I knew he was now in Arizona. He wrote that the "separation must be getting to me", he was so sorry he was hurting me, how could I not "remember his words of love - didn't I see it when he looked into my eyes???", how he held me, etc., etc. Why was I doubting him? He didn't know what to say to put my fears aside...He also said that if I thought he was someplace else, why didn't I call the number and see if it was him. For a moment there, I had hope. Maybe I had been wrong and maybe he was just busy, the war was "raging" you know, at least that's what the news keeps saying..so I wrote back - then why haven't I heard from you in a month? Surely in Iraq there is email, phones just like you had in Qatar and besides, I went to a website with pictures of the "secret project" you claim to be working on and gee, it doesn't look so secret to me. Guess what? I have not heard one word from him.

So, I took his advice and I called the number at a base in Arizona late Sunday night at the time that someone said he'd be in. And if I had to bet my last $20.00, I am 99% certain it was him, PRETENDING IN A FAKE VOICE THAT IT WAS NOT HIM! I said, "gee, this sure sounds like you". He said, very rudely and curtly that it was not! I could not believe it.

I then wrote a long email to him telling him exactly how I feel, that what he's done is wrong and asking how he can live with himself. I'm sure he's doing quite well, but I just wanted him to know how he's hurt me. After that, I was finished. No more writing, but I have to admit, I kept hoping I was wrong.

On one hand, I made my point to him that I know he's a liar, and I'm glad to have validation even if it's not 100% certain. On the other, I am just feeling like I've spent almost 3 years living a lie. I have boxes of letters, pictures, filled with stories of nothing but lies! Just the way that he was for almost 3 years - I feel emotionally abused and I wonder if I will ever, ever recover from this. How do some of you who, based on what I've read with stories far worse, ever survive? I know it takes one day at a time, but I've thought of just ending it - just to take away the pain I feel, and only as a passing thought, but the things he said "you are my life" - how he could never, ever hurt me - just A MONTH AGO! I just want you to understand how much I foolishly trusted him. All of the long stories - How he'd been abused as a child, he's so sympathetic to women, to those who've been hurt, the hours on the phone, when he was here, taking care of my car, my house - just the thought fills me with a mixture of shame and luck that I escaped what could have turned out to be a dangerous situation. I even suggested one time, as he kept making up excuses for his "extended deployment", how did I know he wasn't like Scott Petersen - when he told Amber Frye he was in Paris when he was really home in California with his wife? Do you know it really upset him? I couldn't understand why at the time, now it's all so clear! At one time, we even joked about the military man who was writing to 7 or 8 women telling them all how he planned to marry them and none of them had a clue about each other until it came out on the news. Why, he just thought it was so "horrible" for a man to hurt a woman like that! Yeah, right! When I talked to him a month ago and he promised undying love, he'd be back in January and we'd be getting married, then he abandons me - well, I know I am in a lot of pain. But truthfully, I know that he's done me a favor. Because marrying him or even being with him is the worse mistake I could have made. The thought that I gave this "stranger" access to my life, my home, everything - is truly frightening. I'm just feeling so confused by it all. I want to believe that in time I will be OK. But out of all of the past relationships I had that ended badly - not one of them ever did anything like this. They might have cheated or lied but at least they said hey - it's over, I don't want to see you anymore, etc. But pretending to be in the Middle East, sharing with me the hardships and dangers of war, when you're 2 states over and probably married, while promising to marry me, your poor sad childhood, no one ever loved you, you're so blessed to have found me, reading your bible everday, is the lowest thing that's ever happened to me.

Jazzyb,

I don't have much time right now but I feel that I must respond to your post, because several things jumped out at me.

I'm sure many people who have been romantically involved with a P understand what you are going through. It's highly distressing and I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist - hopefully that serves as somewhat of an outlet so that you are not internalizing everything but instead have an opportunity to express your feelings, doubts and frustrations with the situation.

You mentioned calling a number (at his suggestion) to verify where this individual really was. I know impersonating someone else on the phone is not outside the realm of what a P would do. The P I was dating did that soon after we met. He called my place pretending to be someone else and mentioning some other guy that I knew (and he was threatened by). Luckily a family member answered the phone first and when we discussed it afterwards she was certain that it was the P. He issued the usual vehement denials when I confronted him later and given that it was so bizarre (OUTSIDE the realm of what we or most would do) that I just dismissed it. P's seem to get almost a sadistic enjoyment out of deceiving people. It serves their sense of superiority and the self doubt it creates in the other person also keeps them off-balance and easier to control. So please don't doubt your assessment of what happened.

The other couple of things that struck me were his saying "you are my life". The P I knew often made grand statements like that, he kept insisting we had a SPECIAL BOND" and that we were soul mates. The only glitch with that was that Ps don't appear to have much in the way of a soul.

And yes, the P I knew trotted out stories/mention of his childhood abuse. I'm not saying it didn't happen but Ps IMO milk that for all it's worth and recognize it for the manipulative tool it can be.

I know you must be going through a terrible time but it really is a HUGE positive that you recognized this guy isn't a keeper and didn't marry him. IMO, it shows that at some level your survival and protective instincts are working and more strength to you for that.

Ps draw us into their world - I liken it to being pulled into a vortex - and it is difficult to envision anything outside of that. That is fully their intent. Please know that there is a world out there with men who are well-adjusted and that once you get through this, IMO you will experience a sense of empowerment that you ultimately prevailed.

I encourage you to seek whatever support you can from empathetic friends and relatives however embarrasing it may seem. You may find that some of them are aware that these kinds of individuals exist and that will heighten their understanding of what you are going through.

Have to go now.

You take care,

Sylvie

Hi Jazzyp,

I am glad to see you are back again.

Seeing a therapist is definitely a very good idea. I think you will find that it will be helpful and speed you on your way to recovery.

Have you seen the replies made to your original posts? It is a little while ago, so you may not have noticed or seen the replies.

Take good care,

Nan

Jazzyb
I feel your pain. It was just a little less than a year ago that my Prince Charming's mask fell off. For me, time has eased some of the pain and hurt that I have felt, but I won't forget the deception and betrayal. Strange that you should say that your P is in Arizona, so is mine and supposedly married to one of his victims. My relationship with my P began slightly different than yours, although we did reconnect over the internet. I had known him 30 years ago in high school where we were just friends. We reconnected through a reunion website and he was thrilled that I had e-mailed him. He confessed that he had a crush on me since high school and not a day went by when he wasn't thinking of me. He lived in a state in the southwest and I lived on the east coast so it was a long distance relationship with e-mails, chats and phonecalls from his cellphone RED FLAG. He charmed me with his words and his promises and his songs.(He played guitar and had a beautiful voice and would send me songs via the internet.)After a month and a half he was coming to the east coast to tape a show(told me he was a private investigator and one of the shows was doing a segment about a murder he had investigated)We were finally going to meet face to face after over 30 years.It was a wonderful weekend and he told me that he had cancelled the taping so that he could spend more time with me. He was so charming, so loving, so caring...I was his whole world and he would do anything for me. How couldn't I have fallen in love with this man?? We were to get married as soon as my divorce was finalized.(I was already in the process of getting a divorce)And I thought he was "safe" since I knew him in high school. How wrong I was! You spoke about a website that you P told you to visit. I think that these Ps really don't expect us to visit the websites. Mine told me that he was a C.I.A. agent and gave me his codename, password and employee number just in case anything happened to him and a website where I could supposedly access information. I didn't go to that website for quite some time, but when I did, it was just the public website for the C.I.A. and there wasn't anyplace to enter a codename or password.
For the next few months, we visited one another. He told me that he had sold his house and was going to move here, so everytime I visted him, we would stay in a hotel. RED FLAG But there were always excuses of why he couldn't move yet, one was that he was involved with a trial as a witness and had to stay until the trial was over and then when he was able to leave, he was in a car accident and had to wait to get his car fixed and then his sister in California had a brain aneurysm and he had to fly out there and then his Mom developed shingles so he had to stay longer in California. It was one story after another, but he continued to promise me that he would love me "forever and a day" and that we would be together soon. He even told my boys that he would pay for their college educations(he had told me that he was a millionaire)I think that has bothered me the most, that he deceived my kids too with his false promises.
It is a year later and I have survived and I look at my life with him as an experience, a lesson...another chapter in my book of life. I will not allow him to get the best of me and ruin my life forever. What good does it do to feel depressed and upset and say woe is me. Yes you must mourn. It is a death, a death of a relationship that really didn't exist. One of the things that I did when I was ready was that I had a funeral for my P. I poured myself a glass of wine, took one of his pictures and burned it, for as far as I was concerned he was dead. I was tempted to mail him the ashes, but why. He would just throw them out and it wouldn't have made an impact at all. The one thing I do regret that I did was to give him my high school ring when we reconnected. I have never gotten it back even though I sent him e-mails requesting it back and a self-addressed stamped envelope. He used my ring to tell a lie. When his other women saw the ring he would tell the story that he wore it in memory of a girl who had died in high school. What a great story!!!His other women..he had at least 6 of them that I found out about later. One he was engaged to and had been living with for 3 years, he was married to another, but separated and still in contact with her, he had moved in with another one and was engaged to her and was dating at least 3 others. In December, 2003 he moved to Arizona with one of these women and supposedly they are now married. All of these women he met through internet dating services. He is still listed on at least one of these dating sites. How safe can they be?
It was a difficult year, our last phone call was in January and there has been no contact since. I can call myself fortunate that he doesn't live in the area and we never did marry, but it still hurts. I half hope that he would contact me again, but I know that that is not in my best interests. It is difficult to accept that my fairytale romance turned into a nightmare, but I know that I am stronger because of it. I had been in therapy at the beginning of the relationship for other reasons, but I am thankful that I was or I don't think I would have handled it so well. I hope someday that your subject will read "Everyday I love waking up!"

I appreciate your responses. It is so interesting to note the patterns that they all have! Especially reading what happenned with you, Butterfly. The Arizona similarities are uncanny. This one was in Korea for a while - at least I did receive letters with postmarks, but who knows? I am truly exhausted with trying to figure out all of his deceitful tricks. I now know I need to focus on me, and leave him to his own sick destructive self. I can see that others have been in my place and managed to survive. I know eventually I will be fine - today I felt better. The more I talk about it and just having a good cry last night seemed to have helped. I began reading the book "101 Lies Men tell to Women", and I plan to get "Without Conscience". They've been out of it in the bookstore so perhaps I can order it online.

I am thankful to all of you who share your stories. I know I will be fine, it will just take some steps to get there.

Hi Jazzyb, I am always shopping for deals! Check out www.overstock.com for "Without Conscience". They have great prices and low shipping fees.

Best Deal on Overstock.com

The price for the paperback there is $10.69 + $1.40 shipping!

I would like to comment on the title of this thread "Somedays I don't want to get out of bed"
Being involved w/ a "P" can change your life forever. I haven't much problems getting out of bed b/c I must take my daughter to school, but after I come home, I am frozen in place and must fight my way through each day to be productive. I had the "P"'s child 13 years ago today and have had no child support and virtually no extended family. For me to support this wonderful girl w/o government assistance is almost impossible in my circumstances- I am not a professional and I am all she has. Next Thursday the annual inspection of my apartment takes place and I will have to deal w/ being hit on by the housing inspector for an hour and a half again. No, I cannot report him-- I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I did that. It just does not work that way in the real world.
I am impervious to anti-depressant medication-- I simply take things one moment at a time and do the best by my girl that I possibly can. At this stage in the game I don't even know where this dear child will go to school next year: her school ends this year and we are in the district of a high crime drug infested school. We have no security and in essence really have nobody but each other. There is a thread about science and religion. How can I not believe in God. There is no other way to get through the day except to believe there is something more going on in life than what I see day to day. I have to believe. My depression is situational. It has been 13 years of this day to day living. With my sister having recently murdered my brother-in-law, it is more darkness. I must believe this can't last forever in spite of the fact that so far it has. Outwardly I look like a bit of a loser working piece meal jobs without any great zest and plans but it has been like carrying the earth on my shoulders to raise this wonderful girl alone. I am a survivor. She is turning out so well. I keep on going for her.
A better title for me for a thread is "the best part of the day is getting into bed at night and forgetting it all." I wish sleep were 60 hours and the days were 6 hours. That would suit me grandly in my present state. I am determined to break the cycle of madness for my girl. Send a prayer for her today--her birthday.
Thanks for listening.

Dear Sue

I really feel for you. You are having such a tough time at the moment. I am not in your country so can just imagine how hard it is without the cushion of the welfare system here. It will get better though, it has to. You are so lucky to have your daughter and her as an inspiration for you. God bless you, happy birthday to her and I am praying for you both. Stick around because it helps a lot. Yes, I believe there is more and this life is just a blip in the scheme of things. Hold your head up and walk in integrity and love and you will find peace.

(((((Sue))))))

Outsider,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hugs,

Nan

Thank you everybody so much. I literally stumbled over doing the sign of the cross at bedtime last night: the first birthday of my girl w/o her Uncle Paul.
Thank you for her prayers.
and the hugs
Outsider _ sue