I am seeing a therapist, and I get through the days, with smiles and pretense, but I am in so much pain. I feel like I've been shot through the heart. I received an email from him last week after not hearing from him for a month. I had sent dozens of emails wondering what happenned with his dangerous, "secret mission to Iraq". I also wrote that I was on to him but didn't let him know that I knew he was now in Arizona. He wrote that the "separation must be getting to me", he was so sorry he was hurting me, how could I not "remember his words of love - didn't I see it when he looked into my eyes???", how he held me, etc., etc. Why was I doubting him? He didn't know what to say to put my fears aside...He also said that if I thought he was someplace else, why didn't I call the number and see if it was him. For a moment there, I had hope. Maybe I had been wrong and maybe he was just busy, the war was "raging" you know, at least that's what the news keeps saying..so I wrote back - then why haven't I heard from you in a month? Surely in Iraq there is email, phones just like you had in Qatar and besides, I went to a website with pictures of the "secret project" you claim to be working on and gee, it doesn't look so secret to me. Guess what? I have not heard one word from him.

So, I took his advice and I called the number at a base in Arizona late Sunday night at the time that someone said he'd be in. And if I had to bet my last $20.00, I am 99% certain it was him, PRETENDING IN A FAKE VOICE THAT IT WAS NOT HIM! I said, "gee, this sure sounds like you". He said, very rudely and curtly that it was not! I could not believe it.

I then wrote a long email to him telling him exactly how I feel, that what he's done is wrong and asking how he can live with himself. I'm sure he's doing quite well, but I just wanted him to know how he's hurt me. After that, I was finished. No more writing, but I have to admit, I kept hoping I was wrong.

On one hand, I made my point to him that I know he's a liar, and I'm glad to have validation even if it's not 100% certain. On the other, I am just feeling like I've spent almost 3 years living a lie. I have boxes of letters, pictures, filled with stories of nothing but lies! Just the way that he was for almost 3 years - I feel emotionally abused and I wonder if I will ever, ever recover from this. How do some of you who, based on what I've read with stories far worse, ever survive? I know it takes one day at a time, but I've thought of just ending it - just to take away the pain I feel, and only as a passing thought, but the things he said "you are my life" - how he could never, ever hurt me - just A MONTH AGO! I just want you to understand how much I foolishly trusted him. All of the long stories - How he'd been abused as a child, he's so sympathetic to women, to those who've been hurt, the hours on the phone, when he was here, taking care of my car, my house - just the thought fills me with a mixture of shame and luck that I escaped what could have turned out to be a dangerous situation. I even suggested one time, as he kept making up excuses for his "extended deployment", how did I know he wasn't like Scott Petersen - when he told Amber Frye he was in Paris when he was really home in California with his wife? Do you know it really upset him? I couldn't understand why at the time, now it's all so clear! At one time, we even joked about the military man who was writing to 7 or 8 women telling them all how he planned to marry them and none of them had a clue about each other until it came out on the news. Why, he just thought it was so "horrible" for a man to hurt a woman like that! Yeah, right! When I talked to him a month ago and he promised undying love, he'd be back in January and we'd be getting married, then he abandons me - well, I know I am in a lot of pain. But truthfully, I know that he's done me a favor. Because marrying him or even being with him is the worse mistake I could have made. The thought that I gave this "stranger" access to my life, my home, everything - is truly frightening. I'm just feeling so confused by it all. I want to believe that in time I will be OK. But out of all of the past relationships I had that ended badly - not one of them ever did anything like this. They might have cheated or lied but at least they said hey - it's over, I don't want to see you anymore, etc. But pretending to be in the Middle East, sharing with me the hardships and dangers of war, when you're 2 states over and probably married, while promising to marry me, your poor sad childhood, no one ever loved you, you're so blessed to have found me, reading your bible everday, is the lowest thing that's ever happened to me.

Jazzyb,

I don't have much time right now but I feel that I must respond to your post, because several things jumped out at me.

I'm sure many people who have been romantically involved with a P understand what you are going through. It's highly distressing and I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist - hopefully that serves as somewhat of an outlet so that you are not internalizing everything but instead have an opportunity to express your feelings, doubts and frustrations with the situation.

You mentioned calling a number (at his suggestion) to verify where this individual really was. I know impersonating someone else on the phone is not outside the realm of what a P would do. The P I was dating did that soon after we met. He called my place pretending to be someone else and mentioning some other guy that I knew (and he was threatened by). Luckily a family member answered the phone first and when we discussed it afterwards she was certain that it was the P. He issued the usual vehement denials when I confronted him later and given that it was so bizarre (OUTSIDE the realm of what we or most would do) that I just dismissed it. P's seem to get almost a sadistic enjoyment out of deceiving people. It serves their sense of superiority and the self doubt it creates in the other person also keeps them off-balance and easier to control. So please don't doubt your assessment of what happened.

The other couple of things that struck me were his saying "you are my life". The P I knew often made grand statements like that, he kept insisting we had a SPECIAL BOND" and that we were soul mates. The only glitch with that was that Ps don't appear to have much in the way of a soul.

And yes, the P I knew trotted out stories/mention of his childhood abuse. I'm not saying it didn't happen but Ps IMO milk that for all it's worth and recognize it for the manipulative tool it can be.

I know you must be going through a terrible time but it really is a HUGE positive that you recognized this guy isn't a keeper and didn't marry him. IMO, it shows that at some level your survival and protective instincts are working and more strength to you for that.

Ps draw us into their world - I liken it to being pulled into a vortex - and it is difficult to envision anything outside of that. That is fully their intent. Please know that there is a world out there with men who are well-adjusted and that once you get through this, IMO you will experience a sense of empowerment that you ultimately prevailed.

I encourage you to seek whatever support you can from empathetic friends and relatives however embarrasing it may seem. You may find that some of them are aware that these kinds of individuals exist and that will heighten their understanding of what you are going through.

Have to go now.

You take care,

Sylvie

Hi Jazzyp,

I am glad to see you are back again.

Seeing a therapist is definitely a very good idea. I think you will find that it will be helpful and speed you on your way to recovery.

Have you seen the replies made to your original posts? It is a little while ago, so you may not have noticed or seen the replies.

Take good care,

Nan

Jazzyb
I feel your pain. It was just a little less than a year ago that my Prince Charming's mask fell off. For me, time has eased some of the pain and hurt that I have felt, but I won't forget the deception and betrayal. Strange that you should say that your P is in Arizona, so is mine and supposedly married to one of his victims. My relationship with my P began slightly different than yours, although we did reconnect over the internet. I had known him 30 years ago in high school where we were just friends. We reconnected through a reunion website and he was thrilled that I had e-mailed him. He confessed that he had a crush on me since high school and not a day went by when he wasn't thinking of me. He lived in a state in the southwest and I lived on the east coast so it was a long distance relationship with e-mails, chats and phonecalls from his cellphone RED FLAG. He charmed me with his words and his promises and his songs.(He played guitar and had a beautiful voice and would send me songs via the internet.)After a month and a half he was coming to the east coast to tape a show(told me he was a private investigator and one of the shows was doing a segment about a murder he had investigated)We were finally going to meet face to face after over 30 years.It was a wonderful weekend and he told me that he had cancelled the taping so that he could spend more time with me. He was so charming, so loving, so caring...I was his whole world and he would do anything for me. How couldn't I have fallen in love with this man?? We were to get married as soon as my divorce was finalized.(I was already in the process of getting a divorce)And I thought he was "safe" since I knew him in high school. How wrong I was! You spoke about a website that you P told you to visit. I think that these Ps really don't expect us to visit the websites. Mine told me that he was a C.I.A. agent and gave me his codename, password and employee number just in case anything happened to him and a website where I could supposedly access information. I didn't go to that website for quite some time, but when I did, it was just the public website for the C.I.A. and there wasn't anyplace to enter a codename or password.
For the next few months, we visited one another. He told me that he had sold his house and was going to move here, so everytime I visted him, we would stay in a hotel. RED FLAG But there were always excuses of why he couldn't move yet, one was that he was involved with a trial as a witness and had to stay until the trial was over and then when he was able to leave, he was in a car accident and had to wait to get his car fixed and then his sister in California had a brain aneurysm and he had to fly out there and then his Mom developed shingles so he had to stay longer in California. It was one story after another, but he continued to promise me that he would love me "forever and a day" and that we would be together soon. He even told my boys that he would pay for their college educations(he had told me that he was a millionaire)I think that has bothered me the most, that he deceived my kids too with his false promises.
It is a year later and I have survived and I look at my life with him as an experience, a lesson...another chapter in my book of life. I will not allow him to get the best of me and ruin my life forever. What good does it do to feel depressed and upset and say woe is me. Yes you must mourn. It is a death, a death of a relationship that really didn't exist. One of the things that I did when I was ready was that I had a funeral for my P. I poured myself a glass of wine, took one of his pictures and burned it, for as far as I was concerned he was dead. I was tempted to mail him the ashes, but why. He would just throw them out and it wouldn't have made an impact at all. The one thing I do regret that I did was to give him my high school ring when we reconnected. I have never gotten it back even though I sent him e-mails requesting it back and a self-addressed stamped envelope. He used my ring to tell a lie. When his other women saw the ring he would tell the story that he wore it in memory of a girl who had died in high school. What a great story!!!His other women..he had at least 6 of them that I found out about later. One he was engaged to and had been living with for 3 years, he was married to another, but separated and still in contact with her, he had moved in with another one and was engaged to her and was dating at least 3 others. In December, 2003 he moved to Arizona with one of these women and supposedly they are now married. All of these women he met through internet dating services. He is still listed on at least one of these dating sites. How safe can they be?
It was a difficult year, our last phone call was in January and there has been no contact since. I can call myself fortunate that he doesn't live in the area and we never did marry, but it still hurts. I half hope that he would contact me again, but I know that that is not in my best interests. It is difficult to accept that my fairytale romance turned into a nightmare, but I know that I am stronger because of it. I had been in therapy at the beginning of the relationship for other reasons, but I am thankful that I was or I don't think I would have handled it so well. I hope someday that your subject will read "Everyday I love waking up!"

I appreciate your responses. It is so interesting to note the patterns that they all have! Especially reading what happenned with you, Butterfly. The Arizona similarities are uncanny. This one was in Korea for a while - at least I did receive letters with postmarks, but who knows? I am truly exhausted with trying to figure out all of his deceitful tricks. I now know I need to focus on me, and leave him to his own sick destructive self. I can see that others have been in my place and managed to survive. I know eventually I will be fine - today I felt better. The more I talk about it and just having a good cry last night seemed to have helped. I began reading the book "101 Lies Men tell to Women", and I plan to get "Without Conscience". They've been out of it in the bookstore so perhaps I can order it online.

I am thankful to all of you who share your stories. I know I will be fine, it will just take some steps to get there.

Hi Jazzyb, I am always shopping for deals! Check out www.overstock.com for "Without Conscience". They have great prices and low shipping fees.

Best Deal on Overstock.com

The price for the paperback there is $10.69 + $1.40 shipping!

I would like to comment on the title of this thread "Somedays I don't want to get out of bed"
Being involved w/ a "P" can change your life forever. I haven't much problems getting out of bed b/c I must take my daughter to school, but after I come home, I am frozen in place and must fight my way through each day to be productive. I had the "P"'s child 13 years ago today and have had no child support and virtually no extended family. For me to support this wonderful girl w/o government assistance is almost impossible in my circumstances- I am not a professional and I am all she has. Next Thursday the annual inspection of my apartment takes place and I will have to deal w/ being hit on by the housing inspector for an hour and a half again. No, I cannot report him-- I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I did that. It just does not work that way in the real world.
I am impervious to anti-depressant medication-- I simply take things one moment at a time and do the best by my girl that I possibly can. At this stage in the game I don't even know where this dear child will go to school next year: her school ends this year and we are in the district of a high crime drug infested school. We have no security and in essence really have nobody but each other. There is a thread about science and religion. How can I not believe in God. There is no other way to get through the day except to believe there is something more going on in life than what I see day to day. I have to believe. My depression is situational. It has been 13 years of this day to day living. With my sister having recently murdered my brother-in-law, it is more darkness. I must believe this can't last forever in spite of the fact that so far it has. Outwardly I look like a bit of a loser working piece meal jobs without any great zest and plans but it has been like carrying the earth on my shoulders to raise this wonderful girl alone. I am a survivor. She is turning out so well. I keep on going for her.
A better title for me for a thread is "the best part of the day is getting into bed at night and forgetting it all." I wish sleep were 60 hours and the days were 6 hours. That would suit me grandly in my present state. I am determined to break the cycle of madness for my girl. Send a prayer for her today--her birthday.
Thanks for listening.

Dear Sue

I really feel for you. You are having such a tough time at the moment. I am not in your country so can just imagine how hard it is without the cushion of the welfare system here. It will get better though, it has to. You are so lucky to have your daughter and her as an inspiration for you. God bless you, happy birthday to her and I am praying for you both. Stick around because it helps a lot. Yes, I believe there is more and this life is just a blip in the scheme of things. Hold your head up and walk in integrity and love and you will find peace.

(((((Sue))))))

Outsider,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hugs,

Nan

Thank you everybody so much. I literally stumbled over doing the sign of the cross at bedtime last night: the first birthday of my girl w/o her Uncle Paul.
Thank you for her prayers.
and the hugs
Outsider _ sue

I get up OK but lately I have been feeling more distress than usual. I have been communicating with one of my sons and have given him a book on diagnosing and treating the narcissist family. As he seems to have accepted that he had a dysfunctional childhood, I thought that this would be the way to educate him on personality disorder and psychopathy is a bit beyond the discussible for now.

However what he has said has really upset me. He said that I was the n not his father. I explained that an n victim will actually start to act out the n rage (I did lose it a few times) but the result of the last few months have been that the boys are like clones now and have closely identified with their father, holding all of his opinions and attitudes. It is quite shocking to see how they have changed. You can see it in their faces.

It seems like I have no choice but to stop as every attempt I make to get through to him seems to make it worse even though I am avoiding direct criticism of his father. I have even said that yes I have n traits too (many people have)especially when they regress through stress.

Seeing me calm and collected now does not seem to make an impression.

I was crying all afternoon and feel I cannot take much more. I have never ever been in such a state as today. I do not think I will want to get up tomorrow.

Mati

I realise that I must take things slowly with my son and be patient with him as his father is rewriting history. One thing I realise is that the way he has twisted his sons' minds is to make normal behaviour seem abnornal. For example, a normal parent is concerned about where their children go and who with etc but my husband twisted my questions to make it that I was being controlling. His own highly permissive treatment of the boys was compared to mine and mine was made to look unreasonable, although I know that I was already being far too permissive because of being influenced by my husband against my better judgement One example. My son never had a child filter on his computer. He did not want one because he said it blocked other things needlessly. My husband said he could be trusted and saw no reason for it. I wanted a child filter on but you see how I was over-ruled and made to look suspicious and untrusting. It was this way with everything. I argued that the boys needed protection from temptation (though not mollycoddled) but it looked like I did not trust them. Even when I accidently found out that one son was in deep debt my husband said I should say nothing about it as he was able to sort it out himself. Never mind the fact that the house would be blacklisted. I was made to be the ogre again.

Again when I thought one son was drinking secretly in his bedroom and the other I suspected of shop lifting because of all the new things that were appearing in the house (I did not know that my husband was borrowing and deeply in debt and indulging the boys, even to the extent of buying a motor bike for one. A family on welfare, this is) I looked in their rooms (not going through their things) and they all have said that I have commited an unforgivable crime and severely traumatised them. What would they think of a parent whos child was taking drugs and did not look in their room to find out if it was true I wonder? I think I said this but they would only say that they would not take drugs.

If I make a suggestion it is called control. If I offer encouragement it is called control. My husband allows them to do whatever they want. Because of the way he is behaving regarding the boys and the pain it is causing me when they are discarding me like their father, I think he is using them as a tool rather than a source of n supply so I wonder whether he is in fact a p.

Any tips on how to help my sons would be much appreciated but it seems that at the moment no-one here is or has been in the same situation. At present I feel I am fighting with all I have to save the relationship with my sons but it feels like losing battle because of the toll it is taking on me when I need to concentrate on building a new life. Maybe it is best if I walk away but leave the door open for them to come when they realise that I maybe right in what I was saying. Maybe I should just accept that I have lost them and just get on with grieving for them.

I am concerned for myself at the moment for the states I am getting into and the emotional pain I am suffering which is badly affecting my health. I will have to try to seek some kind of psychological help though finding someone in my country who understands n or p is not easy especially in my own area which is very backward in these things.

Mati

Mati,
I don't know your whole situation, how old your sons are, if they live with you etc. One thing is ringing true w/ me though, if they are older especially, one healthy family member will be ostracised and labeled as the crazy by an entire dysfunctional family b/c you are rocking the boat. Since I am a teen I have been telling my family we are in trouble and being young I tried lots of courses of action and it earned me the title of the crazy one in the family and to this day and now with this murder I am the only one that is being honest about the facts that my sister was a gun waiting to go off and what she did was in the big picture all her own fault. I am not talking to any of them.
You have us, you have God, today won't last forever, time for a therapist for a while to support you??? Please hang in there, you are one of my very favorite people on the board.
Outsider
sue

Sue

Thanks so much for your response and saying that you like me (((hugs)))

I sure could do with someone liking me at the moment! I like you too. My boys are 18 and 22 and live with their father after I walked out. They chose to live with him.

Thanks for that, I had not thought of it that way but when I think of it then it is obvious. You will be ostracised if you are rocking a dysfunctional boat. It has happened to you, and I am grateful for that insight though not grateful that you have had to go through family rejection too.

I do need some support and will start looking tomorrow. Having you all on this board is so important to me too.

Yesterday I cried and cried and it is so unusual for me to cry, but since then I feel stronger. Today I see that there is whole world out there with countless opportunities and plenty of functional kind caring people who are on our side not against us and there is a new life for us if we will just step forward and accept the past, but put it in the past. Life never stays the same and a change is an opportunity. Someone rang me last night and suggested the possibility to go to Potugal to help on a self help scheme for English speaking disabled folk. Maybe this is an opportunity to start a new life. I will hang on!! Thanks

Mati

What a great opportunity to get away for a while. That would be fabulous for you Mati. Like I said, hang in there. Being members of these kinds of families can kill you if you let it. Not to sound grandiose but I cannot help but think at some moments that God dropped me into the midst of them, these nutballs, to try to help them but it's been a rough tow with limited results and has taken a wicked toll on me--sucked the life out of me. And I went through a period in my teens of lashing out at my mother by screaming b/c she was so ungodly cruel. I am no angel. She made me not know up from down anymore... always hurting me. In hind site, they have pets b/c of me which they adore. They have a granddaughter b/c of me and the grace of God which they live for (but are too blind to see that their treatment of me hurts her). My father found sobriety after years of me educating him about it gently and has thanked me over the years. And unfortunately, I have served as my mother's whipping post. This is most unfortunate for me. She is ill and the nut that can't be cracked. As for my sister, I have spent my adult life trying to befriend her and help her and guide her. To what avail, I don't know.

hugs to you Mati
sue

You really helped me today Sue. Yes you are right that being in these families can kill you. I know that I may have to bail out soon. I am preparing a long letter to my son so that I can give him all the facts, but I don't know when the right time will be. I identify with you in your efforts to save your family. I have worked my guts out for 22 years and have left myself with no career no health and no money but that does not matter does it when God or good is there to change things around. My friend who is not a believer says to just trust yourself to the universe. It's the same thing though to just step forwards and believe that things will turn out Ok which they will for those who are not losers.

We just don't know what good will come from what we do in the future or what purpose it will serve.

Well I have got my place shining like a new pin and a nice casserole in the slow cooker and am feeling fine today.

Mati

Hi Mati,

It can be hard, I know, to have faith in yourself, but look how well you are doing now. If someone had told you three months ago that you would come this far, would you have believed them?

"We just don't know what good will come from what we do in the future or what purpose it will serve. "

I agree with you! Remember though, to look at today <s>.

"Well I have got my place shining like a new pin and a nice casserole in the slow cooker and am feeling fine today."

Think of yourself as a slow cooker. Why not<smile>? Put good ingredients into it, add some love and care and watch is slowly simmer to perfection. Then you share with whoever is hungry for what you have so carefully made.

Enjoy your well-earned dinner,

Nan

Mati,

First of all I'd like to say that I offer support to you for all of the pain you are experiencing. It seems that each day is a challenge to go on, but I'm finding that reading and just trying to have a routine is helping quite a bit. I also have learned that others have experienced far worse and managed to survive by finding this board.

I hope you will not give up on your sons. I understand about not having the support of your family - which is one of the reasons I am reluctant to share what I am experiencing right now! Rather than offering support, they will just ridicule me. Somehow, things will turn out to be my fault - "how could you have been so blind, stupid, trusting, etc.?" or "Are you sure about this? He was such a nice guy, etc..." My friends would be supportive, but here again - I am just too humiliated and haven't gotten upt he nerve yet to tell them the so-called "wedding is off". It's a bitter pill to swallow I know, but coming to grips with the fact that sometimes family members can hurt us the most, was something I had to learn. So, I know that I can only get so close to them, and that I have to "filter" certain information. We're never going to be the Norman Rockwell idea of a family so unfortunately, I accept that. If they say things to hurt you, then perhaps you can try and look at it for what it is - know what's true and what's not about what they are saying to you.

I don't know what country you are in, but I wonder if the schools that your children attend might have school counselors available who could intervene, or offer some suggestions? How awful that he is manipulating the children and of course they don't realize it. It sounds as if you want the best for your children as any parent would, which includes checking to make sure they are not doing things that they shouldn't. But I guess the "p" has a way of making us doubt our judgement.

I hope that we all find strength somehow through our recovery, and wade through the emotional damage that's inflicted. But as far as walking away from your children, if anyone should - it sounds as if the husband should. He sounds more damaging to them.

At any rate, I wish you well.

Hi Nan

Yes you are right. Three months ago I would not believe how far I have come nor how nice my little home is. Five months ago I was homeless and in a refuge. And too true that we have to live for today and not in the future or past.


Good one about the slow cooker, I will remember that! The meal was good. Pity I could not have invited you all! I think that bawling did me good yesterday.

jazzyb

I really felt like giving up on my sons yesterday but today I have found more strength. I cannot give up on them because I love them. But I need support. They are not at school one is 18 the other 22. They are not doing anything due to their father's bad example, and they blame everyone else just like him.

Yes we should filter but when a p has trashed our brain we don't know what is right or wrong, but I am slowly getting it back and getting my confidence back.

You will get all the support you need here jazz, you do not need your family to supply it. Then you will start finding it in yourself so that you can hold your head up amongst your family and friends (?) and not let them drag you down.
We learn valuable lessons whilst we go through the fire and then come out stronger than we could have ever been without it. I have to learn to ask for and accept help instead of feeling that I do not want to impose on anyone. I grew up coping with everthing myself with no-one to turn to. It's hard to break a lifetimes habit.

Thanks for your good wishes

Mati

jazzyb2
(member)
12/17/04 08:38 AM

Update: Sometimes I don't want to wake up

I haven't posted in a while. I was under the name of "jazzyb", and I wrote that Sometimes I don't want to wake up. I was involved with a military man for 3 years who disappeared and I hadn't heard from hom. Well, I tried to move on..took a trip to London, came back and had an email from him - wishing me a happy birthday and telling me that he hoped I would forgive him in time because he "still loved me", and how he had "needed someone like me", but still no explanation for why he disappeared. I then wrote him back and asked him why? Why had he disappeared? What had happenned. He then waited and wrote that he "had an explanation, but that he wanted to take time to write to me, so that I would have a clear explanation because words were hard for him, and how he still loved me". I didn't hear anything for two more weeks. I then wrote and asked OK, what is the explanation? He waited 2 more weeks and wrote and said..."I still love you...the explanation is coming, and then after you hear all I have to say, if you want to move on with your life, I will understand". He then sends me this long power point text called "An Interview with God", about forgiveness, love and how some people do wrong, etc". And I was like..what's going on? Finally, after 2 more weeks of no word, I wrote to him and said he was not going to play any more minds games with me, that I'd had about enough, that if he couldn't find the words to tell me what he had to say, then to just keepit to himself and to not write again. That I was moving on, and goodbye. A week later, he sent me a 3 page email about how he loved me "more than life itself", there was " no other woman", that he had been in the Middle East, and was returned to Arizona in late October due to "financial problems". That he had a "dark cloud" over his head, he was in the "depths of despair", wanted to die, was in trouble with the Air Force, he had been "too depressed to call me", he still loved me, and he understood if I wanted to move on.

I wrote back that I didn't understand how, he loved me "so" much, but had not called. He wrote back that he "didn't want to bother me with his problems". I then wrote that it sounded like maybe he was getting comfort from someone else, that I didn't believe him, and if he wanted to prove that I was wrong to call me within 2 days or I never wanted to speak to him again. He wrote back that he never wanted to break up with me, he loved me more than life, so on and so forth. Well, I waited for 3 days, no phone call. I got curious. I did some more investigating and found out he had been living with another woman for 10 years! The whole time he had claimed he was in the Middle East, lying to me about living in a tent, he was living with her. Planning to marry me. I called her and I told her. I wasn't mean or anything, I just told her she should know. She was shocked and had no idea.

He later emailed me and was so, so sorry, he never meant to hurt me, how the lies had been "eating him up alive", how he felt he had been a "foolish man", that he is "troubled". I was devastated, angry and I just feel so hurt inside. I can't help it, I know I should be strong, but it hurts like hell. All I can think of is, this man made me feel and believe he loved me - I was brainwashed. I can't let go - almost everything I do is connected in some way to a memory of him. He bought me an engagement ring, called me almost everyday, emailed me everyday, when he was here, he took care of me - drove me to my dr's appts, cooked for me, he treated me nice.

How do I ever trust anyone else, if this wasn't love? And it was all a sick, twisted lie. For three years. All I've thoght about is how I just want to die. I won't do anything, but it's how I feel. I never want to speak to him again, I don't want him, but I still have feelings for him. And yet, I hate his guts. I hope he is miserable and I hope she kicks him out. I want him to suffer like I am suffering. Oh, I just feel so bad...3 years of my life wasted on that piece of scum....3 years...how he flew here to visit me, and flew back to sleep with her every night.

He had the nerve to tell me he "will only find peace through death"! Well OK - it won't come soon enough for me. And I am not a mean person, but how could he do that? I remember back around Valentine's day, I discovered a personal ad of his, which showed him seeking a woman in Arizona, but stupid me, when we got into a fight about it, he claimed it wasn't his, that it was old from several years ago and he didn't know how it just "popped up". So not only has he cheated on me with the woman he lives with, he's obviously cheated on both of us! I hate him and I'm hurting.

Hi jazzyb2, I am so sorry you are still having to deal with this "thing". I hope the best for you and your writing shows the great deal of pain you are in. It must be like waking up for something worse than a horrible nightmare.

It is good to hear that you are in the "no contact" stage. This will be hard I am sure since we always want to know answers to why, but unfortunately with a Psychopath there isn't an answer that would make any sense or resolve the situation.

Please keep us updated and write as you are ready, sometimes I find that writing things down helps to clear things up in my mind.

All my best,

Di

P.S. I hope you don't mind but I am combining this with the first part of your story so that people reading can read your entire story in one "thread".