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#9102 - 01/29/10 03:55 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

I’m pleased you feel comfortable enough to be able to write about your experience. We are very aware that our members need to be totally anonymous so please only write what you feel you can share. We will never ask you any questions that would cause you any issues.
That ‘oh so familiar story’! It’s very sad that you were treated so badly but I wonder whether you felt a little bit to blame because you were not very honest with your previous partner? It doesn’t matter what went on previously your new partner had no right to treat you and your relationship like she did.

What you say shows that your feelings were used against you, which was deliberate and cruel. It’s admirable that you have those good qualities and wicked that she trashed them. I’m sure those qualities that make you who you are, are still there and will be appreciated by others. Don’t let this person take that away from you.

Meeting people on the internet is fraught with problems and is a perfect place for people to make out they are not who they really are. I know many people have successful relationships this way but I would always advise caution. I have heard many times that it’s a psychopath’s preferred method of finding victims but I don’t have any statistics on this. It would be interesting to find out!

I’m sorry to hear that you were so brutally attacked, at a time like that you need your partner more than ever. It should be a time you can rely on someone else to help you get over it. It must have been doubly hard for you that your partner had another issue to use to be cruel.

It’s not unusual for victims to blame themselves, take on too much responsibility for their abuser’s actions and even try harder not to arouse their partner’s anger. Of course we all want to hear those loving things people say to us and if we said them we would mean them so we expect the same from others. Where are you now with regards to this relationship? I do hope you are able to get away and start to rebuild your own life and self esteem. Maybe you will tell us that when you posts again.

This woman sounds nasty, cruel, heartless and much more, what was it that made you research psychopathy? Have you looked at Dr Hare’s checklist?

It does help to write your story even if you don’t post it all here, it allows you to get it out and separate yourself from it for a while. Telling others also helps confirm that it was not your fault you allowed yourself to be treated so badly when others tell you how they got sucked in to an abusive relationship for the same reasons as you.

I hope you feel comfortable now and that you can write more. As you can see the members here are all willing to listen and support new members on their road to recovery. All members are at different stages and it’s great when you see people moving forwards and offering support to others a bit further behind on the journey.

Best regards
Jan

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#9107 - 01/29/10 07:12 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your response and validating what I believed all along. It’s been a long three - four years with all of this and I know that I am NOT crazy. Yes, I felt very responsible as she insisted that I was. I joined her in her campaign against me and beat myself up every single day. I was a good target and gave her SO much power and fed her all day long.

I should be clear that she and I never had a full time, live in relationship and even though she said repeatedly that she wanted to be with me, she never did come to me. She would say it was hard for her to tell her wife, her wife was being too nice, she needed a little more therapy, then breast implants, then more therapy, then more time, then she called one day and said "I need you to let me go". Then she moved two weeks later to another city with her wife. I was left behind devastated and blaming myself for the failure.

I am getting a little ahead of myself here...I blamed myself for her leaving after the termination as I did not go to her and tell her when it happened. I blamed myself for staying silent and keeping the brutal attack to myself, I blamed myself for exposing her to possible STD's, AIDS, etc. I was not thinking straight as my whole world was crumbling. I convinced myself that I deserved her turning her back on me and leaving at the curb like yesterday's garbage. I even called and apologized, I called and cried saying I missed her so much, I called and begged her to come back to me, I called and lost more of my self respect each time.

She walked by a restaurant that I was sitting in and I ran out into the street and called her name. She turned and had the darkest look on her face, scary eyes, and when she realized it was me her eyes grew big and I ran to her and put my arms around her. We told each other we loved each other and the next day she left a CD for me with all kinds of love songs on it. I was hooked again. The cycle started and we were seeing each other but I maintained that I would be dating and she maintained that she would stay in her marriage.

After a few weeks I stopped seeing the woman that I was seeing as my emotions for her were too intense for anyone else to be in the picture. Also, she would send nasty messages to me, manipulate me, I felt guilty in going out period. I said that I would not date as she meant more to me and that I loved her which made her immensely happy. However, she did not leave her wife and in fact at the same time, was planning a cruise with her for the holidays. Of course I found that out at Christmas that year.

I stayed in my condo that Christmas while she vacationed on a cruise ship with her wife sending me messages about how much she loved me etc. On New Year's Eve I waited in my condo, lying on the couch waiting for her text message at midnight and I was so happy to receive it when it came. I was so stupid. I was incredibly hurt and lonely during this time that I could barley get through the days while she sent me text messages about her trip.

She returned with a promise to leave her wife and be with me. Right, more manipulation. Clearly she could see that she could do anything to me and I would always be there like the idiot I was. Then on the anniversary of my rape she sends a text message to me at 4:00 a.m. saying that she thinks something happened to her while she out and that she was raped. I was so upset and ran to her and put all of my feelings behind me - it monopolized all the time for the next few weeks and the anniversary of my attack faded into the background. I nursed her through that and its only now that I realize that it was probably a lie as she wanted the attention on her.

A few weeks after that she entered rehab as she is an alcoholic. It was a live in program and I visited her every morning for the entire time on my way to work. I bought her coffee, brought her flowers, sent her messages and did what I could so she felt that I was there and supporting her. The day she graduated I couldn’t go as her wife went instead and I felt so insignificant. She again told me that she wanted to be with me and she needed to sort out her life. I gave her that time and space after she exited rehab to do that.

This is exhausting to write and the hardest part is yet to come. I will be back to continue and thank you all for listening to my story.

Stunned again.


Edited by stunned again (01/29/10 12:00 PM)

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#9111 - 01/30/10 03:30 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

We hear that said time and time again that the victim feels like the crazy one! It’s all part of the game. My situation was different to yours but I questioned myself many times whether I really was seeing the things I did. We spend so much time fire fighting we don’t get chance to do any fire prevention.
When you take a step back and think things through you begin to accept that you really did experience those things and wonder why you went along with it. I suppose we internalise things, try to make sense of them then try to rectify the situation. As we try to take responsibility for changing things we get more things thrown at us to deal with.
It’s a control thing, we are knocked off balance so many times that we feel the situation is controlling us and we don’t know how to put it right. In reality we can’t, all we can do is walk away.

In a way I’m not surprised your ex used your attack as a way to hurt you, it’s like mirroring at its worst! A psychopath mirrors, they copy, they act and steal. I suppose you can now see what she did as a very cruel act but at the time it brought out the caring side of you and it must feel terrible she used you like that. She stole your pain and used it against you.

When you think about it, you wouldn’t have been chosen as a victim if you were cold and heartless. Its the kind and caring who are perfect targets.

I hope it’s helping you writing about your experience, once its all out then you can put it to one side for a while and then look at it a step to getting over it.

Regards
Jan

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#9122 - 02/01/10 07:36 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your comments – it truly validates how I felt on the inside but could never voice or prove. There was a repeated theme of my attack and maybe that’s the best place to start off for the final chapter of my experiences with this woman.

So, after rehab we spent that summer spending as much time as we could and despite her statements that she was leaving she made no attempt to do so. I bought her a scooter, well put a sizeable down payment, and helped her get her license. She later sold that scooter and bought another scooter within 3 months without a word to me. Trashed the scooter that I bought (although she picked it out) and was satisfied that she bought the better bike. Whatever. I was afraid to raise any issue with her and waited for her to come to me. Then she decided to get breast implants so she couldn’t leave then, then she said that she had a further rehab program to do that she had no idea that she would start so early. That was a lie as she in an 8 week program that was preparing her for the in-depth program. She assumed that I would never find out.

By this time I was more than a little fed up of waiting, hearing the excuses and something inside of me was telling me that she was lying, although at a conscious level I could not voice or accept that. I finally had a breakdown about a month after her surgery as I could not take it any longer as I was approaching the 3 year mark. She took that opportunity that I was in so much pain (I had a meltdown at work in a boardroom in the middle of a meeting and left the office crying – I was a senior level manager at the time) to say well I have to figure my life out (didn’t she do that already?) so I will leave you alone and come back when I have figured it out. What???? I was devastated but tried to understand her and cope with my pain yet again.

She went to little contact with me and we did not see each other very often and spoke (or rather text) less often. I started to re-establish myself with my friends and my life and try and get things back on track. During this time I did manage to meet another person and we hit it off. She was a respected member of the community, smart, funny, successful and I was a little swept off my feet by her. I started to enjoy my time with her but I was longing for someone else and tried to stay connected. However as time went on I was feeling better staying away from her and building a better life.

Then in December of that year, out of the blue she calls me and says “I need you to let me go”. No conversation, no indication that she is leaving and poof – gone. She and her wife pack up and leave town and move on with their lives. I am absolutely devastated after all the promises never to leave me, that we would be together, etc. all lies. She did this on the day that I lost my job and less than 2 weeks before Christmas with nothing more than a casual comment that said “wow that’s too bad, are you ok?”! Very cold and cruel and later that day I let her go and asked her not to forget us which was met with silence.

I will fast forward a little her - we get back into contact in late December with messages of Happy New Year, etc. It starts to be more frequent and I tell her that I am dating another woman. She does not like that at all and goes on a text lambasting. I remind her that she is the one who left and leave it at that. She continues to text me and I answer and then she shows up in my city with a CD for me loaded with love songs. Of course I fall for it and tell her how much I love her and that I want to be with her. She of course cannot be with me as she is “working on her marriage” and details that in a long email to me. That email was all lies – how do you work on a marriage and still pursue me? You don’t but I got caught up in her lies, manipulations and bought that she was struggling and that she was truly in love with me. Wrong.

My relationship is growing more serious with this other woman and she knows it. She turns up the heat trying to get me caught up in her web and it works. I was so confused about what she was doing and came out and asked her about our future – of course that is met with oh it’s so difficult for her, she didn’t think she was leaving and now she is struggling all over again. I fell for that AGAIN. On the second anniversary of my brutal attack she announced to me that she wanted to have a baby and was “preparing” herself for it by going for a fertility test, looking at donors, etc. I walked for hours in the rain that day with my heart so wounded and beat up – she never mentioned a baby to me before and then on the anniversary of my attack for which I had to terminate she decided to tell me this? My heart broke in a million pieces as I knew she was hurting me so deeply and profoundly on purpose.

This time, I did not give up my life for her and let things run their course – bad idea. She shows up at my condo one morning and I am with this woman that I have been seeing. Not a good scene and she ran with that and tried everything to dig the knife into me, calling me all kinds of names then sending me messages that she still loves me. I couldn’t take it and asked that she not contact me again and that I was moving on. We had no contact for 9 weeks and I received a voicemail message where she repeated over and over again how much she loved me. She was drinking again and I fell for it and contacted her as I could not get her out of my mind.

I did meet with her and we sat down and were having a drink and she began to tell me that she was dating a guy (she is lesbian) and she was hoping to have a baby with him. I could not breathe and I rose from my chair and asked her to take me back to my car. She was shocked by my reaction and as I walked out of the restaurant I decided that I would walk back to my car. She followed me and finally convinced me to get into the car. At that point she made a sarcastic comment that she could not go back to that restaurant again. I finally settled and we went for a drink, I got sucked back into her charm, she played on my every emotion and I began to slip back into her again.

She taunted me most of the summer displaying pictures of this guy on her facebook (she is still married) and told me stories of travelling (I travel quite a bit), meeting lots of new people (I constantly meet new people), having lots of “experiences”, hurting me with those experiences, creating this incredible life of freedom as apparently she and her wife now have an open relationship!! Bought a new car which was a red convertible like mine, blue contacts (my eyes are blue), red BlackBerry as mine is red, buying new style of clothes from stores that I shop at, now having her nails done (I have regular manicures), etc. It was a little creepy how things were similar and the house that she moved into in another city as exactly the same as the house that my current partner owns. I am not trying to inflate my ego here I really think it is creepy.

She uses Facebook to broadcast her life (a.k.a. lies) to hook people, namely me, into engaging with her. I tried my best to stay away and I have only seen it on occasion and each time it has been very painful. Being in a position of longing for someone for an extended period of time and then seeing her openly live her life with a guy was too much for me to take. Finally, out of the blue, I get a message from her to let her go again, she wants me to have a wonderful life, she wants a wonderful life and not to contact her again as she is happy. I did not respond to that message as I finally saw her for what she is, a game playing, mentally ill person.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of looking at her Facebook again and there she is with a new girlfriend celebrating New Year’s Eve. Remember my earlier post about waiting for her text on New Year’s Eve? Of course it felt like a very big slap in the face and even though I am no longer with her, it hurt very deeply. I sent a message asking if that was her new girlfriend to which she responded “yes it is”. That’s my last contact and I am so happy that she posted those pictures and sent that message to me. She was self-satisfied and arrogant in her response and she finally freed me from the fog – she is an incredibly cold, cruel individual and I am in a relationship now filled with love and understanding. Something I never had with her.

That relationship was devastating to me in every way – emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. She did raise her hand to me on more than one occasion but really, the physical wounds are much easier to recover from. I lost everything with this woman, my family, my home, my career but I am happy to say that I rebuilding and have learned many, many lessons. The only negative feeling I have is that it is not over with her and I am not sure what is coming but know there is something. I will deal with that when it happens but maybe its truly over and she has moved on – I can only hope!

Thanks for listening to my very long story and for your compassion.

Stunned again

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#9124 - 02/01/10 08:26 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned Again

Firstly I think congratulations are in order!

Despite what this woman did to you, you have retained all those good qualities that allowed you to be sucked in by her and can now enjoy a new relationship where they will be appreciated and secondly due to your strength and resilience you can now see clearly now the fog is lifted. So congratulations on both counts and I hope this relationship is everything you both deserve.

I have to go now but I would like to talk to you later when I can spend time going over what you have told us.

Regards
Jan

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#9125 - 02/01/10 08:38 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your kind words and support! I would be happy to go over this with you when you have more time...I am just happy to be alive and living!

Stunned again.

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#9126 - 02/01/10 12:44 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi stunned again, I am so sorry you had to endure this. One comment in reply to what you said: I will deal with that when it happens but maybe its truly over and she has moved on – I can only hope!

Maybe if you were the one who moved on she wouldn't be of any bother to you again? It sounds like you are doing a terrific with your own moving on, what she is up to will never change. They use people like bait to see if they take the hook so they can beat them with the rod. They do go away when they don't get what they want which is to hurt others. It sounds like you are on a great and positive road, the new woman in your life is wonderful to hear, don't let the old one ruin your chances at a new life.

Di

Your story is very interesting and I will look forward to reading more as you are ready.

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#9127 - 02/01/10 01:07 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Di,

Thanks for replying to my post and I have worked incredibly hard breaking away and starting a new life. I have done therapy alone and with my new partner as some of my behaviors in this new relationship have been acting out from the previous relationship. I had a lot of anger and bitterness and I was taking it out on everyone, especially my new partner. She believed in me and stuck by my side - I am incredibly lucky to have her.

My concern is that since she disappeared out of the blue, I feel it isn't over and I am expecting more fallout but one never really knows. I don't dwell on it, but it crosses my mind. I like your analogy of baiting the hook and being beaten by the rod - that has been so true for me. She has an insatiable appetite to hurt me and I'm sure others – what a sad life to live. I am happy to leave it all behind but I had some really dark times and I am still a little “awe struck” that I survived it all. Meaning, that emotionally and spiritually I survived.

Stunned again

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#9129 - 02/01/10 11:40 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi stunned again, that is terrific that your new partner is supporting you in therapy. Many times events like this can make a person behave in a very defensive mode and getting help is a huge plus. Think of your great success and since you are overcoming this, life won't probably give you any more challenges as difficult as this one. If you do see the Psychopath, just stare straight ahead and pretend she isn't there which is in fact true, she isn't there and never will be there for what you deserve in life Have you discussed the possibility of having PTSD with you therapist, there is some information n the resource section here which is usually the case after these life changing events. Your new girlfriend sounds like a real keepeer;)

Di

It is very easy to make this evil relationship become the center of your new relationship which needs to form it's own building blocks and once you have come to a place where you can put it behind you and you certainly have learned from it would be a great oppoortunity to start with new building blocks with your new partner. Personally I would erase any messages and toss any photos in the fire. Unless you think for some future ordeal it might be evidence I would erase her like chalk from a chalkboard. You truly deserve the best, try not to even peek at ther faceback, those kind of things can trigger the horror you have had to endure. Think of her as someone you clearly never knew and it was just a nightmare and you are the survivor.

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#9133 - 02/02/10 04:38 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

Thanks for sharing your story. I think we have all been on a journey following it.
When I first started reading it I didn’t think it would have a happy ending but I’m so pleased it has.
Your new relationship must be incredibly strong, she must be a very wise woman to see through your acting out and be willing to work through them with you. She obviously sees the real you and values that person. What a great foundation to build from.

The more I read of your story made me see what a caring, sensitive person you are and how trusting that you had hope and belief that your personality would rub off on your ex. Now you know that will never happen you have gained knowledge and insight into yourself. That is positive.
I can’t begin to imagine the hurt this person caused you by using your attack to get not just attention for herself but to try to take your emotions. A typical psychopath is empty and steals other peoples’ actions, words and try to take their personality as well as their possessions.

What I would like to know is what was the turning point for you? Where did the inner strength come form to make changes because you had to address the very person you are. That person is a good person but you felt you had to change?

I do hope you will never, ever consider having any contact with this person again. Going back even to try to discuss what happened will not change the past or who this person is. You have learned the game of promises and lies. You have a good person in your life now so imagine the hurt it would cause her to see you going back to the past.

Maybe you could offer some support to others here because you have been through hell and are nearly out of it now.

I look forward to hearing much more from you if you are able.

My best wishes to you both.
Regards
Jan

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