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#9134 - 02/02/10 07:26 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

First, thank you so much for your support and you are right - my new partner is very wise and she does see the person behind all the pain for which I am grateful. I have told her on a number of occasions that she has “saved me” and I truly feel that I would be in a very dark place without her.

Thank you for validating how I felt about the attack and that it was used to her advantage. That was a theme in my “relationship” with her – I would hurt and she would twist the knife. I always felt so confused and then responsible for the mess. She was very good at that.

My turning point was many bumps along the road and a general clearing of the fog that I was in. I woke up one day and thought I have lost my family, my home, my job and I need to figure my way out of this. This is not where I had hoped to be when I graduated college and had all sorts of dreams. Everything was beaten out of me, especially my hope which is something that I have clung to my entire life. I began to feel frightened about my future and see that fear reflected back at me through people around me. I started to examine my actions over the past few years to see where I went wrong and how I could fix that.

I went to a new therapist, someone who specialized in trauma therapy, and I began to see the core wounds that I have carried most of my life. There was a reason why a successful, bright, talented, attractive woman was caught in such a mess and I was determined to find those answers despite how difficult it would be. I started to examine my abusive childhood and discovered that I grew up with a core value that I was not lovable. The relationship with her reinforced that core belief and brought about some behaviors that were deeply engrained in me. The more she pushed me away, the more I pursued to say, “see, love me, and don’t abandon me!” I was repeating my relationship with my mother and that directly fed her and gave her SOOOOO much power. It left me feeling unlovable so that cycle completed and repeated.

I came to realize that I needed to change those core values about myself, and to give myself credit, I did recognize at some point that I needed to do something different and save myself. I did that when I met my new partner and kept that relationship alive and did not sacrifice that for her like she wanted me to. By doing that, I gave myself a chance at a life, happiness but I truly did not know the end result I was just trying to survive.

It was equally painful looking inside and reliving those core wounds and it felt like I was going through that trauma all over again, however it was essential in my recovery. At the same time, I had sporadic contact her and I was watching some pretty horrific behaviors in her that I mentioned previously. I thought that, or rather she stated that it was my fault that her behaviors were out of control. She started drinking again because I hurt her, she was sleeping with a guy because he could never hurt her like I could, she was sleeping with all sorts because I hurt her…everything was because I hurt her. After a while I realized that she always had these behaviors and was seeing multiple people while seeing me – the only difference now was that she was angry at having lost control of me and was showing me what she was all about to hurt me as much as she could. She just hurt herself more in the end – what I got was the truth which I desperately needed.

In a way, she set me free with her behaviors and it was a single text that she sent asking me to let her go. I thought, “Wow, she thinks we are in a relationship and this is so out of the blue and just really warped.” That caused me to look at her personality, behaviors, lies, etc. very closely and I came to the conclusion that nothing was my fault and all this time it was her. I knew she was trying to manipulate and pull me back in yet again and for the first time I absolutely refused and clearly saw it as her issue. I know it took a long time for me to see her for what she is and those around me breathed a collective sigh of relief and a united “It’s about time!”

My therapist was also instrumental in helping me see the relationship without the fog and being very honest with myself. Again, I have to give myself some credit as I was very motivated to get past the trauma of this relationship and get on with my life. I now feel that I have incredible insight into myself, I am resolving some long standing issues that I have had and I am so happy to say that I have found a new job with lots of promise and opportunity. This time around I will not squander these opportunities and let my core behaviors take over and maybe in a way, I needed my life ripped out from underneath me to appreciate what I have now. In this light, I can only thank her for waking me up.

However, I want to be clear, I do not accept her behaviors, I did not deserve them, and I do deserve so much better than what she is capable of giving. The lesson was not lost on me and it has only made me stronger in the end. For others, I can only say look within yourself and try and understand why you are or were in the relationships that have been so devastating.

Oh one more thing – I will NEVER contact her again and should I see her, I will look past her to my bright future.

Stunned again.

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#9135 - 02/02/10 07:46 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Di,

Thank you for your support and insight – I am so glad that I found this blog. I have been on other blogs but the stories although incredibly similar were not resounding with me. Once I started reading this site I was nodding my head in agreement, felt chills running through me and knew I had found the answer that I was so desperately searching for. As I said in my pervious post, if I do see her I will look past her and directly into my bright future. 

I have thrown out almost everything and I have a few items left which I am going to dispose of on February 8th…that’s the anniversary of when I met her. I can’t think of a better way to spend that day throwing everything into the lake, watching it sink to the bottom as I say goodbye forever. It’s symbolic to me and it will be very cathartic and my partner is going with me for moral support which I think is great. I have saved some messages as I believe I just may need them as evidence and when the time comes to dispose of those messages I will, but I don’t believe that I am out of the woods yet as far as she is concerned.

You are quite right that I and my partner will build on a healthier foundation now that I have put this whole mess behind me and therapy has helped us do that. Thank you so much for the tip on PTSD and I believe that I do have some issues. As an example, because she communicated almost exclusively by BlackBerry, each time my BlackBerry goes off I shake and just thought “Oh, I must be cold.” It was my partner that pointed out to me that I was shaking from the stress of getting another nasty text message from her. There are many more visceral reactions that I have but I will look into that and thanks again Di.

Stunned again.

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#9598 - 04/04/10 04:06 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I am new to this site, but have recent experience in this subject. I just went through the worst hell of my life and am staring to make sense of what my psychopath boyfriend (I need to enforce that no contact thing right now) has been doing to me and saying to me. I was sexually abused as a child and my psychopath knows alot about this. He went through a major process of finding out from me the details of some things that hurt me and how they made me feel.

It came down to more of me pleading with him to understand so that he would not hurt me. I didn't realize that he understood perfectly well. He took everything I said and used it to try to break me. I was so low I couldn't even realize what he was doing. He knew how to make me disasociate back to being a small child and then he would abuse me worse. He kept me in this state for almost two months. He had made remarks about enjoying pain. He also had accused me of getting high of of getting angry at him before.

He'd also said that he was turned on when I would get angry at him. It was more like shattered by something he had just said or done to hurt me. He also made mention of looking at bondage porn. He was so evil and then thank God His family put him in rehab. While he was in there I was able to see how he had carefully plotted out each step to really try to destroy me.

There is alot more to this whole story. It's all just staring to come together for me right now though. I did not know how to grasp what he'd done and after he did 30 days in rehab He came out claiming miracle changes and acting like nothing had happened. I needed answers and he went right back to his normal pathological lying ways. I had found out he was cheating on me as well so he was doing everything to explain while trying to avoid admitting that he'd cheated.

He has had a close relationship with satin at times. He claimed to be at war between him and God for his soal. But he was pure evil. He told me that he had thoughts of murder. and sex and I 'm not sure if he was just trying to avoid the cheating subject. But when i read this post tonight It all seemed to fit together. He uses many women through sex and their emotions and he controls them through pain. This Pain He causes he enjoys very much. I saw that without a doubt.

It was mainly his need to control. I would not commit to being with him when he had asked me to right before this all started and he was out to kill my soal. He did everything he could possibly do. He made me loose my job as well. I knew I was physically dying. I could feel it. But the emotional pain in my soal was worse than anything I can even describe. I feel so far beyond raped. I don't know where to go for help. I have been isolated from my friends and family. He has my family brainwashed anyways. He cannot destroy my soal. It does not belong to him. It belongs to God. So I will be ok.

I need to keep him out of my life. He had to do 10 days in jail. He has nine left and I think that is what I need to start this no contact. I'm afraid of him. He has tried to wreck my life when I have tried to get away from him before. I live in my own home though. He has told me quite a bit about him being a psychopath. I found out and his brother was just diagnosed as one. He is not always possessed. But it all just seems like another mask apon a mask to me sometimes. He is one big sadistic lying cheating W...? I hope any of this made sense. This is the first time I've talked about it. And now I feel like I can finally fall asleep with a little peace. Thank you

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#10045 - 10/02/10 04:43 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
It is my belief motivation of a psychopath is conflict.
This is my theory of what motivate Psychopath.


He conducts his main life relationships in a "visiting marriage" fashion.
This would mean a Psychopaths conflict lies in roles best described by a matriarchs society. He would see women,relationships and intimacy as extensions of his ie mother,sisters and aunts ect relations.

He would need to destroy or reconcile the conflict. Early childhood years desire to have sex with ones mother,female family members. A normal phase in early life. Bed wetting usually occurs near that age range in children. When the psyche has resolved conflicts child is well adjusted has mastered bowel,bladder ect. Continued bed wetting may be a result of conflicts not being resolved in that phase of life.(excluding medical patients, conditions).

Those familial sexual responses, relations are not allowed in society. Rejecting the rules of society would enforce his perceived conflict with society. Perhaps allow self acceptance,also of sexual fantasy. Boundary issues,boundary failures.

He would need a constant change in relationship partners when the conflict arose of gratification/guilt cycle. First sexual encounters would arise of taboo. Attractions would be driven by taboo then repulsed by it.
After sexual contact would loose desire of (forbidden fantasy) stimulus. Relive it again in forbidden acts,promiscuity.
Filling the "visiting marriage" model, he would display superficial qualities to be well met,not understanding the precepts of true intimacy or relationships behind the marriage,partnership dynamic.
Object relations begin.

He harbors jealousy. Displays jealous behaviors towards the matriarchs,recipients of gifts,praise ect as those were the social invitations,novelties of the "visiting marriage"model.
A head matriarch would be the primary comforter of psychopath. Relationships for Psychopath would cast mate into this role. May be sexless after gratification/guilt cycle takes over again.

The role of the mother figure would be submission,servitude,seductress,service.
Fathers role in home perceived as male dominating of females, in brief encounters and not enforcer,leader of household. "visiting marriage" only perceived as sexual contact,rights to sexual contact.

Parental roles and controls would be established by the head matriarch. psychopath may be comforted or have bad behaviors overlooked,excused by the head matriarch. Lies may evolve from magical words,actions for reward, treats or positive enforcements. Loss of matriarchs emotional support through changes in location, household, age,natural causes. No comforter figure replacement.

Not special to anyone,rejects everyone. Belittles,inflicts emotional abuse to maintain emotional void belonging only to comforter. Denies or blocks comfort to others. Controls others.
Delinquency,depression,anger. A loner stance ie self against the world.
Criminal acts,petty thievery,vandalism. Acting out.
Fits or angry outbursts would prompt parental attention in part,filling emotional need with negative reactions.

Would find negative means of gaining attention easy,quick fix,continue gaining attention in this manner.
Impulse control would be weak, not developed.
The mother may work outside of home. Primary care left to females.
The role of male breadwinner would not be seen as contributer. lack of financial role model enforcement would lead to parasitic outcome, conflicts.
Masculinity repressed,perpetual boyhood to identify with women,womens roles. Suppress forbidden sexual fantasy,desires,urges. Rejection causes tension. Fighting to eliminate tension. Sexual inhibitions.
The secret need to destroy the male(s)/father,husbands,boyfriends,brothers. Male figures equating to problems with law,authority figures,primary male roles. Alpha male identity crisis,conflict.
Destroys mother figure(s) mentally/physically to resolve fantasy conflicts,eliminate guilt. Feels no remorse because relief is felt instead.
Drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions. Alcoholism is strong in some matriarch societies. Physical acts of violence to destroy mother,female conflict.
Presents false image at times with "elder lady"behaviors. Example,church,friendly in community,good deeds,babysitting. Trust gained in community.

Over pronounced ailments,attention seeking,small injuries exaggerated in "elder"fashion to gain helpers,care,sympathy. False or exaggerated health complaints of a geriatric nature.
Alternates between patriarch/matriarch conflicts.

Failure of self identity to form, establish in either polarity. Identity crisis, mirrors others.
Cycles in senior female,alpha male,child mentality to gain best of all social aspects of life.
Conflict in identity/guilt in each.

Matriarch societies of animals and their behaviors have psychopath elements.
This would include Orca Whales,Elephants and Bees.

"Visiting marriage" model often found in military families,traveling salesman families,long haul truck drivers families.




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#10076 - 10/07/10 12:49 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
First roots of conflict as motivation

This conflict point for a Psychopath life may have developed from early care separation of a senior primary nurturing family member.
The senior would come to live with or near the extended family or visa versa.
The family needs, condition,health,financial or death of spouse of the senior was basis.
The child would form a nurture,nurture bond with senior.
Communication and bonding learned,primary nurture enforced,shared with senior.
Examples of senior communications,influence of conversations. Enforced in nurture relationship.
anxious
Being placed in home,confined.
Loss of spouse,grief.
Fear
Isolation
Abuse
Separation anxiety.
Failing health
Dementia
Anger with non tradition
contempt
safety
Expenses,financial loss-gain
Lack,empathy,
comfort,nurturing,nutrition.
Needs increased,burdens
Loss
crisis
death

Many seniors have the above fears,conversations,laments.
Narcissistic behavior equals survival.
In grief people feel if they would have changed...,it may have been avoided,delayed,prolonged life.
The child would feel responsible for the "dying"relationship. Loss of bonding.
Mixed signals. Parent glad of no suffering,went peaceful.
Conflict of child,family is glad at child's personal loss.
Child may have been to young to attend family death rituals.
Unable to cope with primary nurture loss scenario.
Child would resent, seek to destroy the believed creators of the loss scenario.

I have found the senior nurturing aspect a constant feature in the lives of psychopath family,spouse,sibling,friend. Diagnosed by professionals as,

2 fledgling Ps.,antisocial (adults by legal age definition)

Adults diagnosed
1 psychopath
1 antisocial
1 inadequate personality,antisocial

I think it should be explored by professionals studying psychopaths. All 5 share a common, early, primary nurture/loss theme.








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#10092 - 10/08/10 11:01 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
I have noticed psychopaths are motivated to replicate.
They replicate the negative conflicts of there formative years.
Most people do. Its just very pronounced,predictable with a Psychopath.
They get mad if life does not fit the mold of their choosing.
They have designed a mold for you.
You are selected to fill the mold.
They have a role designed for your act.
You of course will not be a perfect fit,but close.
Psychopath will enforce his efforts to make you fit.
To find your part in his mystery drama look to his past.
He will give you tell tale signs of your part.

You may be his sister.
You will fit her body type.
Listen to what he says about her.
If he says she was lazy,watching soaps all day and later tells you that you are lazy,parked on on your----all day watching soaps or if he asks you, if you were- then you know your mold is his sister.
If he punched her,or made threats too he will punch you or make threats to.
If he hated her friends,he will hate yours.
If she was always on the phone,he will complain you are.
If she wore her hair short he will tell you he hates short hair.
He will then suggest you try a short hair doo,
After he has told you he likes your long hair.
If you get new shoes he will need some also.
If you get birthday money he will expect you to share it.
He will barrow things from you-even your clothes,not return them.
He will be sexually impulsive,experimental.
Invasions on your privacy,in your personal space will be the norm.
Intrusions on your alone time will be rude and abrupt.
He will always be trying to "catch"you at something.
Will brag,talk and have you meet his girlfriends.
He will whine about doing more dishes or chores then you do.

He is predictable in saying something about ten times then say the opposite the eleventh time.
You question his sincerity because of this pattern.
He is not sincere. He will use you for his version of what you are supposed to be.
He will destroy your identity and re create you.
The eleventh answer is his mold filler.
You will know by that wild card opposite what his purpose is for you.

If he says you look or act like an old lady (eleventh)after telling you how good you look for the week to get the bank card,he is thinking you fit a mold he designed for grandma,she was usually his strongest advocate.
He will need you,be clinging and have you advocating for him.
He will plead his cause to you with tears.
He will give you money or food. Mow your lawn regular.
Volunteer to do little things,run errands.
He will play you against his mother. He will want your protection.
If you do not play your part right he will steal from you.
He will not like you to wear clothes that are cutting edge styles or body art or wild hair color.
He will have you buy or make cakes,treats.
He will be sexually dysfunctional. {He will be inhibited}
He will grocery shop with you if he shopped with grandma.
He will find something to do with you or around you or the family,kids on Sundays.

If you are his Mom imposter you will know by her look in early pictures. You will look like she did.
At least when he first met and pursued you.
He will have more ailments and complaints for you then other people.
He will do his own laundry because his Mom snooped.
He will ask you for money for lunch,gas.
Even if he has his own money.
He will not pay rent,bills or worry about breaking the bank.
He will feel you "owe"him.
He will call and check in.
Sneak out to drink. Leave womens things where you will find them.
What ever his mom got mad for about him will be in your face.(bad habits)
He will say things that sound like he is talking to his Mom.
He will ask you why you are always mad at him,nagging him.
If he thinks she gave in easy,he will say you are easy.
If he thinks she was witholding,he will say you are.
If he could come and go as pleased, he will come and go as pleased.
If she did not like him to have a key, you will have him controlling keys.
He will steal food you bought and hide the container where you will find it.
He will be moody,immature and pick fights to get his way.
He will thrash your car. Have sex in your car. Negative teen behaviors.
All his mothers complaints will become yours.

He will fill ALL the male molds.

If he is his brother and brother was a tv hog to siblings he will hog the tv from kids.
If his brother got all the girls he will try to get all the girls.
If his brother never had to take out the garbage, he will not take out the garbage. He will say things like,its not my job.
If his brother had a nice car,he will have a nice car. Even if you do not.

If he is his dad,he will respond to you accordingly.
If his dad was henpecked,he will accuse you of henpecking.
If dinner was on the table at 5 he will nag you about the dinner hour being at 5:30.
If his dad stopped after work for a beer,he will.
If his dad was abusive he will be.
If he acts out of anger, it will be in places associated with his dad or his dads profession or hangouts from stories he heard about his dad. He will be addicted to his dad's ideal dream woman,centerfolds,strippers included. If his dad likes blonds he will target blonds. He will trump his father,in his own mind.


Have you noticed this?



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#10110 - 10/10/10 01:13 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Do not yell at a Psychopath. Very interesting Article link
http://srilankawatch.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=114&Itemid=2

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#10281 - 11/08/10 06:12 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
BeenHad Offline
member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
Is it possible that Psychopaths seek out co-dependent people (women). I always get sucked in by my Psychopath when he tells me he 'needs' me. I cant resist being that person for him. I want to be that person, I feel I need to be that person for him because I dont believe anyone else is capable since no one knows him as well as I do. Only I can meet his needs because Im the only person who really understands him.
Im a pathetic mess...

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#10282 - 11/08/10 06:26 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: clearblue]
BeenHad Offline
member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
YES! I have noticed this...in everything he does. It is chilling how clearly a Psychopath is defined...so why is it SO hard to get away from them?

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#10286 - 11/08/10 09:21 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: BeenHad]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi BeenHad,
You are a knight in shining armor.
You see the Psychopath as needing rescued.
You are ready an willing to rescue the Psychopath.
Will Psychopath tend to your rusty spots in return?

Our highest desire in life is to be the rescuer,accept the rescue mission.
We volunteer for the position. We seek honor.

We long to conquer the powers that be, that hold are fellow human(love) chained in the dungeon or
high in the towers or (jail).
It is a sign of royal blood, deeds.
We long for it, as it pumps through our every vein,never reaching the heart.
Psychopath will not give you the life force of the heart.
He will stop short at your elevated blood pressure cuff.

You can rescue a Psychopath
With bail money someday.

When Psychopath is making you feel like you can free France and have him in the bargain,
you are falling under the spell.

Psychopath has you where he really wants you.
At his beckon call.

There will be a mission for you.
Someone,some where in time will appeal and return your desire.
If you burn out from Psychopath's rescue rehearsals you will miss the real love of your life.
Psychopath is a time thief.
Years will escape into a maze of "here",rescue me here,there. Why can't you be everywhere.
It will never be good enough for a Psychopath.
He was waiting for the whole calvary to show up.

He is not capable of mutual love.
He will not have a conscience.
When the honeymoon(spell)period is over and its back to the mill he will look for another.
You will forget what it was,how it was that got you so far in debt,heartbreak with a Psychopath.

Ask any Psychopath you know about the "love"of his life.
Put your armor on first,what he says hurts your heart.
His lies go straight to the heart.
We love to catch a liar,not lies.

Leave yourself open for true love,not open with wounds.
Love will try to find you.
It is the rule of nature to fill in all empty places.
Try to skip mowing for a couple weeks,you will see what I mean.
All things seek to fulfill in good,natural ways.
We must be patient.

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