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#10288 - 11/09/10 01:31 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: clearblue]
Dianne E. Offline


Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi, the being sucked in part could also be due to weak boundaries. Boundaries really control a large part of our lives.

Clearly there are different techniques with a Psychopat but the same general attitude. When he calls and begs and says he has to see you, it is probably because he has nothing better to do or his latest victim is busy. Saying no in any situation is very hard but when you find yourself caving in to his scam just saying no that first time and you will feel empowered to keep doing it to get him out of your life. He will give up.

Without firm boundaries people in general can walk all over you. There is no crime for putting yourself first. Also if you can think about the pain and heartache it might make that path to saying no easier to do. Nothing is easy it is just amount of keeping your feet on the ground and not be lured in. Think about it like a campfire, if you put your hand in the fire it will be burned for certain. This is the same with a relationship with a Psychopath there will be no route other than getting burned.

Are setting boundaries easy, heck no, I remind myself to keep my hand away from that fire. We will always get close to the fire in life it is a matter of not getting your hand burned off or just a small spot.

You deserve the best life has to offer. One observation over all these years is the typical/survivor/victim are the nicest people in the world. By not wanting to offend or think you are offending, yet in reality you are dealing with an empty shell that has no capacity to feel love or any understanding, they are parasites. There is so much more you deserve for yourself, just try saying no, and see how your strength will grow. It will also keep your heart from being trampled on.

If anyone is game and does go the no route, let us know how it felt and what happened.


Always remember he knows exactly which buttons to push.

#10384 - 12/02/10 11:03 AM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
Violet Offline

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105

Your post leaves me confused. I don't really understand how you are able to seek amusement by trying to drive this alleged Psychopath "mad".

I am speculating that there is more to your story, beyond curiousity and amusement. You described being physically attacked by this neighbor...Was there, at some point in time, a relationship between the two of you? Even in a non-traditional sense; a friendship, or crush perhaps? It does not make sense to me why you would be seeking amusement through instigation with a previously violent person?

Are you trying to upset them mentally as some sort of means of revenge? My questions are not answering your questions, so I will address your questions:

1) What about the stare, what should I do and am I right about what it means?

What should you do? Stop giving this person the opportunity to stare at you. Stop hanging out on your porch. The ONLY effective way to deal with a psychopath is NO CONTACT. There are no exceptions to this rule. There is no way to guess what is going on in that persons head while they are staring at you. It may be as simple as, they know that the staring puzzles you, therefore staring maintains your curiousity in them, gives them a form of attention. Or they could be staring at you, planning out how they are going to try to break your ribs/jaw again. You really don't know. Seems risky to be taking the time to ponder what they are thinking anyway? Are you getting enough amusement out of the entire situation to risk your physical safety?

2)If I for my own amusement want to do everything possible to make him mad, not fit in the mold etc, how do I do that?
It seems that you should have some concern for the danger you are putting yourself in. Understand there is no way to get revenge with a psychopath. You can anger them, or frustrate them, but they will never process revenge as you and I know it. Their brains literally can not process any sense of responsibility, so the equation of revenge will never be processed either. It is wasted energy on your part.

3) What are the dangers with it?

Based on what you have told us, I would have to guess that communication on any level would re-open the door for physical danger. Entertaining yourself with taunting a mentally ill person is a horrible idea! Seek amusement elsewhere! Still interested in the risks of "making him mad"? Read through the posts on this forum. There are many many examples of the kinds of dangers psychopaths present.

#10386 - 12/03/10 12:53 AM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
clearblue Offline

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Lars,
I hope you have a safe plan of action.
Your safety and healing journey are the most important gifts you can allow yourself
to experience.
Anger is a part of healing.
Healthy outlets will make you a winner,survivor.

I would try any or all of these ideas to increase your peace of mind.
Support group
Punching bag
break eggs
scream,shout and curse(somewhere private)

I have a few questions if I may.
1. What about the stare, what should I do and am I right about what it means?
It can mean many things. It is an exchange of energy. What type of energy depends on the situation.
2. If I for my own amusement want to do everything possible to make him mad, not fit in the mold etc, how do I do that?Do you feel fit in the "mold"now? If not you are doing great. If so you are in the Psychopath comfort zone. Get distance and keep it.
3. What are the dangers with it? If you find a Psychopath anger amusing have you experienced Psychopath anger?
Danger is an unpredictable outcome with an undesirable consequence. It is exactly what to expect if you illicit a danger/mad/anger response with any Psychopath.

Lars,I hope you may cherish your safety and the gifts of your healing journey.
I can understand your feelings of wanting to gain control,revenge towards a Psychopath's abuse.
You will win if you choose safe actions that reflect you.
Please consider your safety first.
I hope I can celebrate and explore your unique approach to winning,healing with you.
I feel a great start toward validation by having read what you have shared of your story,
needs and link.
Please share more when you can.
I feel very supporting of you.
You are not alone in this time or place in your life.
Take good care

#10395 - 12/03/10 10:52 PM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
clearblue Offline

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Lars,
I am very concerned for your safety.
Are you in isolation with this Psychopath and his entourage?
Do you have limited choices,resources or access to an area of safety or resources?
What are the small steps you will take for self help?
You should view with discrimination any Psychopath movie/video.
Most of those types of depictions of Psychopath characters are part truth at best.
The makers use hype story lines and outrageous character story lines to solicit an audience.
To many "what ifs" are not given to clarity.
Let your experience of truth be your guide.

An entourage is a fan group of sorts for the Psychopath.
The entourage,fans will do the bidding and keep the Psychopath well cloaked and cared for.
The Psychopath is generally the one making actions of the group and group responsible for the Psychopath's intentions.
The group is easily used by the Psychopath to carry out criminal actions.
It would be a very dangerous situation for you to be alone with this group in your personal space.
Your biggest fears may be exploited and used to taunt you,harm you by the Psychopath and entourage if they are making you fearful,let that be a warning to you for safe action.
The Psychopath may also pose as your rescuer,helping you from the entourage just to victimize you in private and enforce denial and lies of the Psychopath to peers,society.

Sexual advances,verbal abuse and physical abuse would be a great concern.
Group excitement could lead to group assault.
Can you carry a cell phone?
If so program your one number dialing for an emergency call number suited to your area.
Can you document and report your abuse to any help person?
Is anyone aware of your suffering?

I would caution you strongly against using an assault or intimidation or
retaliation plan against the Psychopath or Psychopath entourage.
It is far to dangerous.
The person,persons taunting you is using threats an intimidation to bully you.
Do you know why or how you are a target?

If you have been harmed you must escape this abuse,impending danger.
You must not wait for a better reason or time.

If you are filling a persona, a mold for this Psychopath have you identified the part or role?
Did you have a relationship ever?

Being a victim of sexual deviance would be my first thoughts for your safety.
Emotional,physical abuse,threat an intimidation is present in your situation now.
How are you holding up emotionally?
What do you do to get by and protect yourself?
I think depression,oppression may keep you from seeking safety.
I am very worried for your health and well being.
Is there anything I could do to help?
Please ask.
I am a firm believer the best way to get the last word in... if you must, is with
an apology.
Not because your apology is due to any abuser.
Because your apology can open a door to safety.
Safety is your only real option.

Please make this day your new start.
You are special and you have us here who understand and support your safety choices.
I am ready and willing to help you obtain resources to be safe.
I can only help if you ask.

I feel compassion for you.
I am concerned for you.
I to have been a victim,and a fighter.
I have contemplated,bargained and stood my ground.
I lost.
Now I am thankful to be alive.
I won.

Please take good,safe care.

#10468 - 12/14/10 11:15 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
loveguetta Offline

Registered: 12/08/10
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: MoreCautiousNow

I commend you on your very well thought out and intelligent post/list. It is well deserving of its own special place for all who visit here to read.

The thought has been broached here about Psychopath's deliberate sadism/hurtfulness of those within his/her realm. I have been contemplating this issue. Another issue I have contemplated is this "energy-draining" phenomena that Psychopath's seem to have on their "victims". (This draining effect is not merely one of "exasperation" or tediousness of dealing with a Psychopath, it's more like the engery is "stolen" somehow.)

I am beginning to wonder if Psychopath's "agitate" certain situations or cause situations just to evoke higher energy levels or more energy that the Psychopath can somehow "feed" from.

You've stated that you have not had direct dealings with a Psychopath, so maybe your experience with the "energy stealing" is limited, however you seem to have some very good insight and was wondering what your thoughts are in this area. ??

And, anyone else out there who has some insight on this, is encouraged to share as well.



Hi Jam,

My mother is actually what I believe to be a female psychopath. She has all the characteristics a male psychopath has, no empathy, vengeful, etc. My mother will PURPOSEFULLY put herself and me in dangerous situations so that she can feed either on my pain when I'm hurt, or to just feel the adrenaline rush of being in a dangerous situation. I don't know if this is the case with all psychopaths, but with my mother it DEFINITELY is.

#10472 - 12/17/10 09:09 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: loveguetta]
twin Offline

Registered: 09/05/10
Posts: 74
We also notice that my brother deliberately escalates arguments. He either provokes, provokes, provokes, etc. until he finally elicits a reaction or he absolutely turns a situation around in an almost maddening way. My friend was helping him with something (as a favor to me and our mom) and he started to raise his voice at her. When she looked confused or probably even a little startled his response was "Don't get upset. There is no need to start that tone with me."

You are so right about the energy draining. I find that I am exhausted from dealing with him in a way that I'm not exhausted by anyone else. It is like an emotional hangover. For me it is from the tediousness of dealing with them and from this sense that he is trying to bulldoze me or anyone else who gets in his path. I've written before that he doesn't just violate boundaries which in some ways would be more obvious. He slowly erodes them in the same way that a stream can erode slowly erode the earth.

That is why I can't be around him. I have boundaries with other people. With him, I need walls.

#10941 - 03/30/11 11:38 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Kath Offline

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 1

Here's another newby signing in, no, falling through this doorway emotionally beaten and bruised (but victorious since I finally know WHAT my husband really is. I'm so grateful I found this site. It's not often that I don't have to explain what a psychotic passive/aggressive is. Bear with me as I'm still reeling and in the first stages of grieving my husband's final, dispicable hurrah before I file for divorce after 27 years.

Isn't this just the rub? They can't just leave you for someone else. Nooooo, they have to push you to the edge and then give you enough to believe things will get better. Then they torture you, have multiple affairs, hit your psyche with a 2x4, crush the kid's hearts, twist and manipulate, lie, hide money, have secret phones and girls--and then say they haven't loved you for years even though for years they've insinuated that if only you had been more this or that or done this or that, I wouldn't be leaving you. It's all your fault that I did those awful things because you denied me sex or demanded that I come home more often and actually care about my family.

So here's my Pathological Motivation to add to the list that my Psychopath glorifies himself in: Martyrism & Victimization. Nothing he loves better than to hide behind his buddies and whine about what a b---- I am. Pound one more nail into my crucifix, please, he begs! Oh, yes, right there. See what a mean person my wife is? See how her head is imploding and she's frothing at the mouth with expletitives while I sit here all humble and innocent?

Sound familiar? Since finding this site and after reading, "Why Does He Do That?", I've completely changed my negotiating tactics and language to ones he understands. Silence, avoidance, heavy boundary lines, and locking myself in my room at night until I can file for divorce and sole residence. Since there aren't any bruises, bloody gashes, or broken bones, my lawyer says I can't use his emotional abuse in divorce court, but the judge will factor it in. And since he put 80% of our income in a private account, I don't have money for a lawyer, but I soon will.

But I can have him charged in a separate court with domestic mental abuse which in [location removed] is punishable with up to 60 days in jail, and/or a $500 fine. I agree whole-heartedly with those of you who say getting free from them is better than staying connected and "winning" because no one defeats them in their mind. But I'm weighing it because I know he'll hurt more women, like a rapist who goes free. Still, I need to recover and it's probably not going to make any difference and he'll only get more spiteful and abusive and show off more nails in his cross.

Since the Psychopaths always return our counter-digs 10 times over, I don't tempt fate by dishing it back. But I'll bet he'd stop dead in his tracks for just a split second if I whispered, "I don't know how to break this to you, but Jesus Christ's cross is bigger than yours." Gives me a little grin, but I know he'd hurt me if I said it out loud.

I'm rather snide tonight, but you all know that underneath the bravado are ugly, fresh wounds. I'm looking forward to some needed support and to lend mine to all of you as well.

Edited by Dianne E. (03/31/11 01:02 AM)
Edit Reason: remove location

#10942 - 03/31/11 01:13 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Kath]
Dianne E. Offline


Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi Kath, welome to our community, I was just signing off and will respond more tomorrow.

I am quite disturbed by this:
And since he put 80% of our income in a private account, I don't have money for a lawyer, but I soon will.
I would run like a race horse to figure out how to get to that money. It will be gone before you can blink. I am very serious, focus, focus on that money. He will move it so it will never be found, remember he has to win and what better way than leaving your with nothing.

It is indeed very noble to protect other women, I wish we could protect them all but the numbers are too high and the risk is extremely high. In a different way we all can protect other women by telling your story. We have hundreds of victims who for their own reasons, fear I suspect only read here so your message does indeed help others.

I'll be back tomorrow and if you want to tell more of your story not only for yourself but for others I can move things around and put it on a new thread.


#11003 - 04/18/11 07:39 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Kath]
Elvie Offline

Registered: 03/25/11
Posts: 17
Originally Posted By: Kath

So here's my Pathological Motivation to add to the list that my Psychopath glorifies himself in: Martyrism & Victimization. Nothing he loves better than to hide behind his buddies and whine about what a b---- I am. Pound one more nail into my crucifix, please, he begs! Oh, yes, right there. See what a mean person my wife is? See how her head is imploding and she's frothing at the mouth with expletitives while I sit here all humble and innocent?

Sound familiar?

Yes! Yes it does. And it so ties in with my own question about psychopaths and Passive-Aggressive PD. I think maybe Martyrdom is just another psychological weapon for these people.

#12291 - 11/16/11 02:49 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
SonOfaPsychopath Offline

Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 29
This is a question that I think I have come to terms with now but which troubled me greatly for a long time. I decided write about it here because it may help others who are trying to figure out what is behind the bizarre behaviour of the Psychopath in their life - what motivates them (at least some of them).

I won’t delve too deeply into my story as I have written about it elsewhere. The question of what motivated my father to con, cheat and manipulate me and others out of enormous amounts of money and to do much worse might seem obvious at first - money, control etc. The problem I had with this simple answer was that he would have been so much better off if he had done things differently. There didn’t seem to be a pattern to the complex mess he has created.

Things began to make sense to me when I started to look at his actions from the perspective of his “delusions of grandeur”. He sees himself as a certain type of person and clings to a fictional history littered with achievements, battles and heroic deeds like his life depends on it. He is motivated by this vision of himself and the desire to make the world and everyone in it sees it like he does.

No doubt different psychopathic individuals have different visions of themselves – perhaps they see themselves as business men or as academics etc. Some women psychopaths seem to have delusions associated with lifestyle and honestly see themselves as the perfect wife and/or mother whilst manipulating, lying and psychologically abusing their nearest and dearest. These delusions aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out how they perceive themselves and how these perceptions differ from reality.

Anyone who dares to question my father’s grandiose visions has to be very careful. When the delusion starts to crack he may do just about anything to re-establish it as a reality in his own mind.

looking at my fathers actions as those of a man desperate to make reality fit his delusions has been a far more powerful tool for understanding why he has done things the way he has then simply saying "he has no empathy, he is manipulative and only cares about himself". These things are of cause true but it's the way he sees himself that motivates him.

Does this ring true to anyone else?

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