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#3673 - 11/12/04 03:51 PM What motivates the psychopath ?
JustAMan Offline
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Registered: 09/04/04
Posts: 186
What motivates the Psychopath? - a few ideas... an attempt to summarise... all criticisms and contributions welcome. Have I missed anything major? (sticking to the male Psychopath, as I dont know much about the comparatively rare female psychopath)

Control – the desire to be in control of its environment, including its human victims, which are viewed no differently to any other part of its environment. The Psychopath wants to be the agent that ‘makes stuff happen’. When humans which it feels are its possessions (family or ‘friends’) have their own agendas, needs, opinions, emotional states, independent activity which the psychopath does not initiate or somehow control or influence, it is not happy. The Psychopath does not co-operate, negotiate or compromise. The Psychopath only initiates and dominates, as it has to be in control.

Material comforts and possessions – which it does not wish to have to work for, merely con in order to acquire.

Malignant envy – envy of and the desire to possess and destroy that which the Psychopath is not or has not - happiness, goodness, wealth, social standing, intellect, achievement... love. The Psychopath is nothing but a mask hiding pure selfishness, has nothing, and wishes to bring everything and everybody down to its level.

Attention – the Narcissistic component...any sort of attention, love or hate, either will do. So long as others are engaged and focussed on the Psychopath. The Psychopath hates to be ignored. Psychopath hates being alone, dislikes living on its own as a single person. A new victim is swiftly targeted when an old one is abandoned. (And often before the old one is abandoned!)


High sensory input activity - A variety of fast activities - e.g. mad driving, extreme or violent sports, emotionally extreme behaviour in the victim. Anti-social behaviours and petty crime 'just for the buzz'

Anything as long as it's life in the fast lane... Calm normality is abhorred. The Psychopath is easily bored, and has a habit of random zigzaging from one activity to another. Drugs (nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, illegal drugs) are often used to amplify/modify sensory stimulation. This desire for abnormally high sensory stimulation might be as a result of the desire to fill some of the emotional void. For normal people many activities are also emotionally satisfying, hence less need for high levels of purely sensory stimulation.

Duping delight – getting one over on the victim with tricks and lies. The enjoyment of deception, covert scheming and betrayal .. This links into being in ‘Control’...

Male sexual response - Basic impulsive reaction to a womans body. Visual and tactile. No emotions involved. As there is no emotional bond involved in the Ps sex life – no true intimacy - sexual variety and novelty, which leads to promiscuity, fills the void. Intellectual gratification – Intelligent Psychopath appear to get the same satisfaction as normal people from purely intellectual pursuits e.g. science, math, computing. 'Hard' precision subjects with logic and definite 'structure' are preferred to 'fuzzy' subjects or those with an 'emotional' component.

...and a secondary motivation , which supports the acquisition of thingsThe avoidance of communication.Words are used as weapons of deception and dominance. Any genuine communication is to be avoided in order to hide the Ps true motivations. The Psychopath particularly wishes to avoid any deep exploration of emotional states, spirituality, morals or ethics, as it has not the wherewithal to relate to these. Its might have a variety of learnt ‘scripts’ on these subjects, (especially those useful to seduce women) but they ring false if serious engagement occurs. ‘You know I love you, babe’ is often as profound as the average Psychopat

...and that’s it basically. Nothing else counts (unless I’ve missed something!). Normal human motivations e.g. love, fatherhood, friendship ( I don’t think the Psychopath has real friends – acquaintances and accomplices, maybe) pity, altruism, honour, trust, the satisfaction of a job well done, etc etc. are viewed as weaknesses to be twisted and exploited to the benefit of the Psychopath. The Psychopath satisfies its motivations by aping normal motivations ( often not very convincingly when seen up close and personal – words and deeds do not match) , pretending to be a person.

Personally I don’t regard Psychopaths as people, as they havent got what it takes. Exploitative dangerous things in human form which need to be dealt with (rather than related to) is as far as I’ll go.

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#3674 - 11/21/04 09:47 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
sylvie25 Offline
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Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Thanks for that JustaMan,
<br>
<br>One more came to mind:
<br>
<br>Revenge/Vindictiveness: 3 (possibly 4) Psychopath/Ns I've encountered are HIGHLY vengeful. The smallest slight or perceived slight is dwelt upon and paid back manyfold and they ALWAYS feel justified. The male Psychopaths I've known all seem to have issues with their mothers (in fact, I'm a little surprised I have not seen that mentioned much or maybe at all in any posts that I've read here). I guess that's what makes them the seething misogynists that they are. Basically, payback time for women because of not getting the love, attention, whatever, from mommie (and/or being physically or otherwise abused).

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#3675 - 11/21/04 11:43 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: sylvie25]
JustAMan Offline
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In reply to:
Revenge/Vindictiveness: 3 (possibly 4) psychopath/Ns I've encountered are HIGHLY vengeful. The smallest slight or perceived slight is dwelt upon and paid back manyfold and they ALWAYS feel justified.
Yup. Thats a good one that I missed. This I think links iinto point 1 on my list, a desire to control. Any perceived challenge is only ever seen as part of the battle for control, not as an attempt to communicate a different point of view, then engage in a rational debate. Last thing psychopath wants is communication. When challenged the psychopath feels a loss of control, anxiety, and hits back (revenge/vindictiveness) in order to re-establish control. psychopath is effectively training the individiuals in its environment not to challenge it. "Back down, shut up, and dont try that again" is Ps message. Result an atmosphere of fear and 'walking on eggshells' around the psychopath.

In reply to:
The male Ps I've known all seem to have issues with their mothers (in fact, I'm a little surprised I have not seen that mentioned much or maybe at all in any posts that I've read here).



I agree. Development of psychopathy I think results from something going wrong with the formation of the mother child bond at a very early age and the subsequent failure of the normal process of socialisation.


Nature, nurture, or nature and nurture. Take your pick. Its not clear, and I feel there's more than one route to psychopathy


it does seem to be a commonly reported story that many Ps have a very abnormal relationship/attitude to their mother. I think they see their mothers as the person who first tried to control them - tried so hard to socialise the little psychopath - which the psychopath subconsciously resents. And as you say, this results in misogyny.


The psychopath I know about had a strange attitude to its mother. and projected this onto its partner as an excuse as to why it didnt see much of its mother. ( "Its your fault I never saw much of my mother - you never wanted to visit or have her here")

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#3676 - 11/24/04 01:47 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
sylvie25 Offline
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Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
_______________
<br>"This I think links iinto point 1 on my list, a desire to control. Any perceived challenge is only ever seen as part of the battle for control, not as an attempt to communicate a different point of view, then engage in a rational debate."
____________

Agree it ties into their need for control, of their domain and of others. They also seem to act out of sheer unbridled cruelty (lack of empathy helps) and get enjoyment out of making and watching others suffer.

Yes, they all seem to have attachment issues.
__________
"The Psychopath I know about had a strange attitude to its mother. and projected this onto its partner as an excuse as to why it didnt see much of its mother. ( "Its your fault I never saw much of my mother - you never wanted to visit or have her here")"
____________

Ditto. The psychopath I went out with vacillated between trashing his family on the one hand but also claiming that I was trying to drive a wedge between them. Really whatever position suited him at any given time.

Also, it was clear that his very domineering and hugely narcissistic mother helped guide his thinking that way.

I couldn't help being wistful when I read "the Psychopath I know about" part of your statement. I'd be willing to bet most people who've had direct dealings with Psychopaths wished they just knew of or about them. Having said that, I read your earliest posts and know that the Psychopath had negative implications for your life too. It's all very unfortunate.

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#3677 - 11/25/04 07:59 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: sylvie25]
freedom Offline
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Registered: 06/11/05
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i wonder if the doctors have done any analyze of their chromosomes
2 of my children have an unbalanced translocation of chromosomes 5 and 18 and and i joined a group of people who have something wrong with their chromosomes 18 and they have this basic characteristic of being small and not talking and a variations of other problem

so i was wondering if someone here who has contact with doctor Hare coul ask him if there were any test done on their chromosomes

freedom


Edited by freedom (11/25/04 08:02 AM)

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#3678 - 11/25/04 11:48 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: freedom]
JustAMan Offline
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In reply to:

so i was wondering if someone here who has contact with doctor Hare coul ask him if there were any test done on their chromosomes



Something Ive been keeping an eye out for... there doesnt seem to be any clear cut evidence for a genetic basis for psychopathy...at least not any that Ive seen. My thinking is that its usually a mix of nature and nurture... a genetic propensity, which is 'developed' by environmental influences, mostly something going horribly wrong with the mother - child bond at a very early age... Thats just guesswork though... there might be several routes to psychopathy, some of which may have no genetic component, some which might be purely genetic.

Unlike some other syndromes, such as Downs syndrome, where the genetic cause is clear cut, nothing seems very clear about the causes of psychopathy.

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#3679 - 12/26/04 05:11 PM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
Sunshine Offline
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Registered: 08/28/05
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How about sadism? Underlying a lot of this conduct is the desire to hurt others, often in subtle and twisted ways. This is more than a lack of empathy (say as in autism), but rather an enjoyment of using what they are able to glean about a person to torment them in often odd ways. This motive is consistent with the need to control, the need for stimulation, and the selfish sexual behaviour, but is perhaps at the root of what makes them scary.

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#3680 - 01/08/05 12:56 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Sunshine]
JustAMan Offline
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In reply to:
How about sadism? Underlying a lot of this conduct is the desire to hurt others, often in subtle and twisted ways.
sa·dism

n.

1. The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.
3. Extreme cruelty.

...I've no idea really. Is an individual incapable of empathy capable of deriving pleasure from the emotional pain of others?...or is that pain produced merely a side effect, or a means to an end of the Psychopaths prime motivation - the desire to control?

As I have no direct experience of psychopathy - I've never been the victim of one - I think I'll just step back from that one.

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#3681 - 03/05/05 06:45 PM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
Sunshine Offline
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Registered: 08/28/05
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http://www.hare.org/links/saturday.html/ quotes Dr. Paul Babiak, an industrial-organizational psychologist based near NYC, who is writing a book with Bob Hare called "When Psychopaths Go to Work: Cons, Bullies and the Puppetmaster" as follows:
“Babiak says psychopaths have three motivations: thrill-seeking, the pathological desire to win, and the inclination to hurt people. ‘They'll jump on any opportunity that allows them to do those things,’he says. ‘If something better comes along, they'll drop you and move on.’”
Also: “Psychopaths love chaos and hate rules ....”

**edited to make link clickable, Di


Edited by Dianne E. (03/05/05 07:37 PM)

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#3682 - 05/18/05 03:15 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
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Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
Hi JAM

I commend you on your very well thought out and intelligent post/list. It is well deserving of its own special place for all who visit here to read.

The thought has been broached here about psychopath's deliberate sadism/hurtfulness of those within his/her realm. I have been contemplating this issue. Another issue I have contemplated is this "energy-draining" phenomena that Psychopath's seem to have on their "victims". (This draining effect is not merely one of "exasperation" or tediousness of dealing with a Psychopath, it's more like the engery is "stolen" somehow.)

I am beginning to wonder if Psychopath's "agitate" certain situations or cause situations just to evoke higher energy levels or more energy that the Psychopath can somehow "feed" from.

You've stated that you have not had direct dealings with a Psychopath, so maybe your experience with the "energy stealing" is limited, however you seem to have some very good insight and was wondering what your thoughts are in this area. ??
And, anyone else out there who has some insight on this, is encouraged to share as well.

Regards,
MCN

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#3683 - 05/18/05 08:57 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
JustAMan Offline
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Hi MoreCautiousNow,

Yes the sadism thing I'm not sure about. Psychopaths certainly do horrible hurtful stuff to people. Stuff which we generally label as 'sadistic'. Whether what actually motivates the Psychopath to do this stuff is sadism or something else is what I'm unsure about.

In reply to: Another issue I have contemplated is this "energy-draining" phenomena that psychopath's seem to have on their "victims". (This draining effect is not merely one of "exasperation" or tediousness of dealing with a psychopath, it's more like the engery is "stolen" somehow. Thats a tricky one, and the answer is - I don't know. I do know that having a relationship with a Psychopath can be a huge strain emotionally and physically. Nervous and physical disorders can result, e.g opportunistic infections as a result of depressed immune response. Personally I'd be wary of pushing the 'emotional vampire' metaphor too far for fear of falling into pseudoscience or metaphysics.

In reply to:I am beginning to wonder if Psychopath's "agitate" certain situations or cause situations just to evoke higher energy levels or more energy that the psychopath can somehow "feed" from. Psychopaths certainly do not like the calm, the mundane, the routine... their natural tendency is to stir things up to alleviate boredom. In the absence of the normal emotional satisfaction which we might expeience in any number of normal situations - for instance the satisfying sense of 'a job well done' which we might experience from the completion of even a routine task - a psychopath will try to maximise sensory stimulation. And that could be anything from a bungee jump to making you angry, and then enjoying the show and the thought that he had caused you to be angry - was controlling your behaviour.

lets see if Diannes software censors this. Bet it will.:-)

A good company name for all Ps would be "[censored] Stirrers'R'Us"
-----------------
>ha...thought so. Diannes software doesnt like the word [censored]. ;-)

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#3684 - 05/18/05 09:34 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
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Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
Hi JustAMan

LOL LOL LOL. Too funny. But I liked the "company name". I also had a visual for the logo, but we won't go there.

I understand what you are saying in reference to the pseudoscience/metaphysical, but I am still curious and sincerely believe there is something to it. Until reading that others had the same experience, I thought it was just me. I am really curious about it, but perhaps this is not the proper venue to discuss it.

However your answer does put some of it into a better perspective and I believe correctly.

Thanks for reply and the big chuckle -- made my day!!

Regards,
MCN

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#3685 - 05/18/05 11:43 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Annette Offline
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Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 12
I am curious about all this. My Psychopath says he hates arguing and that he can't handle it anymore. He always told me that he would want to see me more often if we didn't argue so much because he can't handle it. He said he wants peace and quiet. Also, he loves to be alone. He lives alone and doesn't open his curtains at all not even in the daytime. It is always dark in there. He keeps all doors shut and locked. My therapist says he is burning out. Has anyone he experienced the "burn out" phase with a psychopath?

Why does he says things to start an argument or be hurtful when he says he can't take the stress of an argument? Also, I want to reflect on the "mother" issue. He goes there every Sunday for dinner. He phones her nearly every day from either work or home and complains how he "can't make it". How they give him to much work or he is sick or they treat him badly at work which they don't. Anything he can cry about he does to her. She is 84 years old and treats him like a baby. Always sides with him and always sends food home with him on Sunday. But every Friday we get the garbage ready and we end up throwing out the food she sends because he is to lazy to heat it up and it goes bad. He rarely gets groceries or baths. Justs lays on the couch most of the time. And cries to Mummy. Do you think this is the sign of burnout? Does this mean that he knows he doesn't have the energy to get someone else and needs to keep me?

Annette

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#3686 - 05/18/05 02:55 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
JustAMan Offline
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Registered: 09/04/04
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In reply to:
I thought it was just me. I am really curious about it, but perhaps this is not the proper venue to discuss it.
I dont see why not. What do you see as a possible objection to discussing this? As this 'draining' or 'emotional vampirism' experience has been widely reported in relation to psychopathy it seems like a perfectly valid topic to me. As an atheist materialist I'm just averse to any interpretation that inclines towards psychism.

In reply to:
Also, he loves to be alone. He lives alone and doesn't open his curtains at all not even in the daytime. It is always dark in there. He keeps all doors shut and locked.
So hes what you might call an antisocial antisocial then. Sounds like he needs to see a therapist.

Ive heard of Psychopath burnout but I dont know anything about it. The Psychopath I have knowledge of is currently behaving like the energiser bunny on crack. No sign of burn out there, more's the pity.

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#3687 - 05/18/05 04:17 PM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
Dianne E. Online

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Ha ha, censoring some words helps our vivid imaginations (it is one of the few things I seem to know how to do! I also wish this software had a spell checker but with my lack of techno knowledge I get sweaty palms when I think of all the work etc. it took to get this version up and running (my guess is the newer version has it)
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#3688 - 05/22/05 06:23 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
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Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
Hi JustAMan

I have no problems with your beliefs or anyone else’s, however I don’t want to delve into a topic that will offend or cause contentions which is why I backed off of discussing it here.

Personally, I am skeptical of psychic stuff and religion (any religion), however I try to maintain an open mind.

I do believe there is “something” to this energy drain experience and maybe this is too far advanced for “our” current technology to explain or fathom. I’m no rocket scientist and have no answers for it either, but I believe it (the energy drain) exists. I think it is pertinent to anyone who has experienced it and difficult for others, who have not experienced it, to grasp. So my conclusion is that there is some way this is happening, but “how” I do not know.

Anyone else who wishes to comment or add to this I will listen to as I find it curious phenomena.

The rest of your reply is not in reference to my post, so I will refrain from comment.

Regards,
MCN

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#3689 - 08/26/05 06:37 PM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Attention-something was really askew with child/mother bond in early years.
Big Baby in a adult body.
Energy zapper-goes after your core spirit.

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#3690 - 08/27/05 05:20 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ?
Dianne E. Online

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feddup49
(member)
08/26/05 08:32 PM

Motivations of Psychopath

The negative attention of a Psychopath is overwhelming.
They truly are like bratty children abusing "adult" privledges.
The sucking the life- blood out-energy is so real-Its as if they go after your spirit-which is debilitating.

**moved to combine thread, thanks, Di

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#3691 - 09/18/05 03:36 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Sunshine Offline
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Although the distinction between antisocial personality and Psychopathy is often blurred (merged, really, in the DSM), the following observation is interesting and one I have not come across elsewhere:



Regardless of the predominantly aggressive or passive character of the antisocial personality, what is remarkable is that their gratification is linked to bodily functions, to eating, drinking, drugs and alcohol, and sexuality is divested of its object relations implications, divested of love and tenderness. – Clarkin, JF, Yeomans, F., & Kernberg, OF (1999), Psychotherapy for Borderline Personality.

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#3692 - 09/19/05 12:25 PM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: Sunshine]
JustAMan Offline
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Posts: 186
In reply to:

Regardless of the predominantly aggressive or passive character of the antisocial personality, what is remarkable is that their gratification is linked to bodily functions, to eating, drinking, drugs and alcohol, and sexuality is divested of its object relations implications, divested of love and tenderness.


I think I'd generalise their statement slightly:

"... what is remarkable is that their gratification is linked to the senses, to eating, drinking, drugs and alcohol, fast driving, dangerous sports, risky activity in general... anything that feels different, is 'on the edge' ..has got the buzz. And sexuality is divested of its object relations implications, divested of love and tenderness, of all emotional content.

So... As Ive generalised the original proposition, it ends up looking like a restatement of "High sensory input activity" in my first post in this thread.

Psychopaths inhabit the realm of the senses. As they experience no emotional satisfactions of the normal type - for example the feelings of a 'job well done', the natural emotional bond of fatherhood or motherhood - the pursuit of sensory gratification tends to be extreme to fill the emotional void... they seem desperate to feel...something. Always jumping from one thing to the next to stave off the boredom - which as everything is ultimately unsatisfactory (repeated sensory stimulation with no emotional gratification rapidly palls) , seems to be the Ps main problem in life.

this is item 3 on Hares PCL-R checklist:

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.


Antisocial Personality, Sociopathy, and Psychopathy

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#3693 - 09/20/05 09:27 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
Dianne E. Online

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I am posting this email I received from a long ago poster and current reader who is finding this conversation interesting:

Dear Dianne,

I have been following with interest this exchange between Justaman and morecautious now and others. The sense of a “spell” and “ energy draining”. My own experience with ex wife and son has reflected exactly those things to a stunning degree. I don’t think there’s anything metaphysical about it- they are simply the result of what happens when you either love an antisocial tremendously, like a son, or are tied to someone, like a wife who, for whatever reason, you do not leave.

My dear ex-wife tired me out, to death. Her actions were deliberate and designed to achieve exactly what it did for us- eventual social isolation. My friends, most of the good ones, remained my friends, but they would go the other way round the world to avoid her, and she knew very well that my sense of loyalty was stronger than my irritation. So in that sense, I did lose my friends for a long time, and even the regard of my own family. That’s the draining, that leaves you afterwards with such a sense of loss for all the many many years, and the sense of wastage of all your efforts to be happy. It was never going to happen.

The spell. Some people are charismatic to some other people. You like them a lot, and want them to like you. And often there is a period when you are “best friends”. But what you don’t know is that you are in fact serving a purpose for someone who feels himself in some way dependent on you, which might never occur to you. But when he thinks he doesn’t need you any more, then the abuse starts, in cunning and “clever” ways. But you don’t understand. It’s not possible that he cannot like you. It takes a long and humiliatingly bitter time before you figure out that for whatever reason- he hates you. Then, finally, it’s over. The spell is broken. He didn’t care what he cost you in any terms, money, stress related illnesses, sadness, and thrown away love. A normal life for him was never going to happen.

I personally rescued my life, or rather it got rescued for me. But I would rather not have known that there was a limit beyond which I would not pass to protect and safeguard my son. And that knowledge will stay for always. I didn’t want to know that.

And yet, life somehow dealt him a full hand of antisocial cards. And you’re left thinking-how, and why?
_________________________
We help others by lending an "ear" to listen with compassion in our hearts for all those that cross our Internet door. Validation and support help the healing process and you are safe here.

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#3694 - 01/02/06 11:28 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
nonat Offline
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I felt the energy drain for years. I started to observe and figured it out. When everyone get settled, the Psychopath is saying, "time to go." when everyone is working on project talks everyone into taking a break. Yes the sadism thing I'm not sure about. Psychopaths certainly do horrible hurtful stuff to people. Stuff which we generally label as 'sadistic'. Whether what actually motivates the Psychopath to do this stuff is sadism or something else is what I'm unsure about.

Psychopaths certainly do horrible hurtful stuff to people. Stuff which we generally label as 'sadistic'. Whether what actually motivates the Psychopath to do this stuff is sadism or something else is what I'm unsure about.

No matter what you are currently doing, the Psychopath is always trying to get you to switch gears. They can't sit for too long and they need to be constantly entertained. Just keeping up with a Psychopath is very tiring. If they can't be on the go, then they are constantly talking about what they are going to do next. We just spent hours packing up to go to the beach. We walk a long way carring things from car to beach. We unpack everything. Get unbrella up, get ice chest out. The kids just start having fun. Right when you finally get to sit down, the Psychopath says, "I'm bored and ready to go." After all that work, you need to rest and make it worth the arduous, tote-carrying trip! Another trip to the beach, Psychopath was trying to get everyone to go swimming. I knew that once I got in and started enjoying myself, Psychopath would announce it was time to leave. I never got in, but others did. Everyone was covered with sand and wet. Psychopath said, let's go out to eat at nice restaurant. Can everyone be ready in 15 minutes. It is non-stop! We found a nice place in shade. Psychopath didn't like it.

We had nice motel room with view of ocean. Psychopath insisted we change rooms as soon as Psychopath saw how much we loved the room. Psychopath complained that 5-star hotel was terrible. Psychopath looked for everything wrong. Kids wanted to swim in nice pool but Psychopath spent all the time trying to prevent kids from swiming and made them dress up while everyone else was walking around in swimsuits (with covers of course). Psychopath had to make everyone miserable. period.

Psychopath didn't listen to what people really wanted to do, but insisted on a tightly packed agenda for vacation. Psychopath seems to want to always go in opposite direction and I guess the thrill is to see just how much power Psychopath has just forcing people all the time into doing things they don't want to do, and denying them the things that would truly make them happy. psychopath complains and whines. Psychopath wants drink, food, and immediate comforts.

Psychopath can't stand material chair is made of, so we all have to get up and go find a new place to sit. Psychopath doesn't like the waitress and demand a refund. Psychopath is exhausting. Psychopath is always spinning wheels but never going anyway, but exhausting everyone that Psychopath forces to keep up with him. Psychopath just likes to control, be in charge. Psychopath won't stop the car for bathroom breaks and a few minutes later asks if everyone is having fun.

Yeah about as much fun as possible considering all effort is in trying not to go in pants cause Psychopath can't stop the car. Oh love those speed bumps,,,woo hoo yippiee fun. Psychopath is terrible with time but acts like he's the only one aware of it. He incorrectly exaggerates a 3 minute stop into 30 minutes. (if a Psychopath has to wasychopathit for 1 minute, they say they waited an hour.) I know, I use actual time and clocked it. If Psychopath sees everyone enjoying movie, Psychopath announces he is sick and everyone has to go home before end of movie. Psychopath is vindictive over little things he thinks took place (his perceptions are that everyone is trying to sabatage him). He gets revenge by really sabataging the people he "thinks" are sabataging him.

Psychopath's will spit in your drink when you are not looking. They will do some really disgusting things, and dunk your toothbrush in the toilet. They are just inhuman, evil aliens (can't call them human).

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#3695 - 01/03/06 04:41 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath [Re: Sunshine]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
How about immense barely-repressed agression? This seems to underly an awful lot of a Psychopath's behaviors that don't make sense in any other context. And what they do seems to be at about the emotional maturity level of a three year old. It's like watching an angry three year old in an adult's body who has to hide the fact that he is actually three, and pretend he is an aduld

Diane1969

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#3696 - 01/04/06 03:16 AM Re: What motivates the P ? [Re: JustAMan]
the_watchman Offline
member

Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Hertfordshire
Loosely following on from the “revenge” aspect of what motivates a psychopath, does anyone think that being bullied at school may be a factor?

Perhaps the psychopath wants to get back at the (now adult) world because the people he really has issues with have long since left his life?

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#3697 - 01/04/06 05:18 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath [Re: the_watchman]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
No, I don't think so. But you can bet he will use this excuse if he thinks it will work with you.



Psychopath's are much more likely to BE the bullies at school.



Diane1969

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#3698 - 10/08/07 04:08 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Sunshine]
James Offline
member

Registered: 10/04/07
Posts: 134
I agree with you sunshine.
My Psychopath's primary characteristic, in my opinion is sadism.
So, Psychopath's enjoy it, it keeps them going. If you try crying, explaining it to them, they enjoy it...

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#7420 - 09/29/08 08:40 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: James]
Matty Offline
member

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 12
This thread raises some interesting issues, a couple of which I'd like to share my thoughts on.

Are psychopaths sadistic? In my opinion, only a minority are. Sadism is a separate disorder from psychopathy, and involves getting pleasure (often sexual) from causing pain and suffering in someone else.

On the other hand all Psychopath's are capable of causing pain and suffering in others, usually because of lack of empathy. This means suffering is not (usually) the goal of the Psychopath, but can be a side-effect of selfish behaviour that doesn't bother the Psychopath in the slightest.

However I do think that Psychopath's sometimes appear to be sadistic in the same way that cats do when they torture a mouse. Cats are not actually sadistic, as from their point of view they're only playing. I think Psychopath's sometimes play games with their victims too, but what they're really after is to see them run around and pay the Psychopath lots of attention. The pain is once again a side-effect.

Another part of the discussion suggested that Psychopath's drain energy from their victims, which provoked some scepticism from some members who thought it a bit too mystical. Thinking about it, you don't need to be a mystic to recognise that mutual love between two people is enormously energising for both parties. When two people love each other, neither is bleeding energy off the other, but the beneficial psychological effects on both are indisputible. Certainly, when you feel loved you feel an energy boost.

I think the energy drain may relate to unrequited love. If you love a Psychopath, then it is bound to be unrequited, since Psychopath's cannot love. The difference with 'normal' unrequited love is that a Psychopath may intentionally fool you that he loves you, when in fact he doesn't. The partner of a Psychopath often believes intellectually that she is loved by the Psychopath, even though emotional alarm bells may be ringing. If you realise someone doesn't return your love, you're less surprised if you feel your energy being drained. But if he is playing with your mind, it must confuse the hell out of your psyche. Meanwhile, the Psychopath is getting all the attention he craves.

I don't believe in any 'energy transfer' to the Psychopath. All they gain is instant gratification every time they 'win' a situation, which soon wears off. The victim is the one who feels a long term energy drain. Every relationship with a Psychopath has a net negative effect (neutral on the Psychopath, negative on the victim), and are intrinically destructive. Loving relationships have a net positive effect on both parties, and so are intrinsically constructive.

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#9099 - 01/28/10 06:37 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Matty]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and I have been reading for a while. I have been on other blogs/forums for other PDs but nothing rang as true as your stories. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and as I read I kept nodding my head in agreement and it is very clear to me that my ex is a Psychopath. Its kind of a scary revelation but everything makes sense now.

I am posting on this thread as the sadism really rings true - I was constantly amazed at how cruel she could be, how she seemd to derive pleasure from my pain and during some of my most painful moments, she would turn her back on me and berate me through text messaging. She rarely called, only communicated through her BlackBerry, so much happened that I couldn't possibly tell it all.

Her capacity to hurt me continues and I now realize that she gets pleasure from it, from hurting "the love of her life". Right. Manipulation and words and she strung me along for 3 years and then has been harassing me for the last year with her games. Is this familiar to anyone?

Stunned again.

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#9100 - 01/28/10 11:01 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi stunned again, glad you found us. Yes, it is common once people find us that they are amazed how similar the stories are. When you are ready would you mind telling us more of your story. Telling your story not only helps you but others like yourself who read before posting.

I hope you are keeping good notes.

We don't get many women Psychopath stories so will be looking forward to hearing how you met and when you started seeing the red flags.

Keep in mind it is usually always, kind, caring and loving people who they go after and nothing you could have done would have changed things. It is quite common for the "love of my life" or "soulmate" that they use as a hook.

Di

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#9101 - 01/28/10 02:53 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Di,

I have noticed that not many stories are posted about potential female psychopaths...my story is long and very painful. I am also concerned about putting it out on the net but I will do it in stages – even I can’t believe most of it.

I met her February 2006 on a dating site (I am lesbian) while I was in another relationship. I am not proud of this fact but I was having difficulties in that relationship and I though I could have a sexual relationship on the side to fill the void of what was missing in my relationship. WRONG. I met her, we started “dating” for lack of a better phrase and I should mention that she was (is) married to a woman at the time (and still is). I fell hard for her…she was beautiful and seemed to be able to ready my mind in what I needed sexually.

It wasn’t long (2 months) before I found myself falling in love with her and I left my relationship as I was emotionally divided and I couldn’t stand hurting my then partner or myself any longer. I hated cheating and lying and to be honest, my then partner knew. I moved out and stared this “affair” in earnest. As soon as I was free she backed off and told me to tell her about sleeping with others. I said I wasn’t as I was in love with her and I was.

Long story short, time went on and she did not leave her wife. She kept telling me how much in love with me she was but she just couldn’t leave her wife. Of course, I asked “why” and she would say “I love her”. I would say fine then stay with her and work it out. She would “I can’t I am in love with you”.

The red flags…the first one I was sitting on the end of my bed (she’s an alcoholic by the way) and I jokingly said “hey what’s this” as I pinched the back of her arm. I shouldn’t have done that but she went “off” – I was on my hands and knees begging her forgiveness and that’s when she got a sense of her real power over me. I went into a total panic that she would leave and it took over an hour of apologizing to get her to calm down and listen. I NEVER made that mistake again.

I am going to fast forward but suffice to say that for the next year she continued to tell me she loved me, she couldn’t leave her wife, she text me 100 times a day, always on the computer messaging me and sending email to me at work. She wanted to be in my every thought and she was very successful at it. We worked a few blocks apart and she would meet me for lunch, degrade me by having sex with me in the washroom, whenever I was hurt or missing her she didn’t care and would only say “I know babe”. As time went on I would fall asleep every night knowing where she was and I was alone in my condo.

Every weekend I was alone in my condo and she would text me about the fun she was having, she was at the cottage, she was on a patio, she was with friends the whole time knowing I was alone in my condo waiting for the next text from her. She would never talk on the phone and would call my voicemail at the office and then text me that I had a message waiting for me there. Of course, those messages would be dripping with how she desired me, how she loved me, how she was longing for me. I bought every word.

Things were rocky to say the least and I should state that she eventually had a key to my condo. The first time it all fell apart I was raped one night and ended up pregnant as a result. I had a termination but I couldn’t tell her until a few days before I had to go to the hospital as I was too afraid. At any point prior to this if I got too close to her life she threatened to cut me off and always told me I was disgusting, sick, etc. When I told her about what had happened, she raged for hours calling me every name under the sun and I cowered an cried. She ended up taking me to the hospital and wrote me a goodbye letter while she waited. When we walked into the door of my condo she spit at me, called me names and turned on her heel and walked out. I didn’t see her for months.

Then she returned…that is part two.

Stunned again

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#9102 - 01/29/10 02:55 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

I’m pleased you feel comfortable enough to be able to write about your experience. We are very aware that our members need to be totally anonymous so please only write what you feel you can share. We will never ask you any questions that would cause you any issues.
That ‘oh so familiar story’! It’s very sad that you were treated so badly but I wonder whether you felt a little bit to blame because you were not very honest with your previous partner? It doesn’t matter what went on previously your new partner had no right to treat you and your relationship like she did.

What you say shows that your feelings were used against you, which was deliberate and cruel. It’s admirable that you have those good qualities and wicked that she trashed them. I’m sure those qualities that make you who you are, are still there and will be appreciated by others. Don’t let this person take that away from you.

Meeting people on the internet is fraught with problems and is a perfect place for people to make out they are not who they really are. I know many people have successful relationships this way but I would always advise caution. I have heard many times that it’s a psychopath’s preferred method of finding victims but I don’t have any statistics on this. It would be interesting to find out!

I’m sorry to hear that you were so brutally attacked, at a time like that you need your partner more than ever. It should be a time you can rely on someone else to help you get over it. It must have been doubly hard for you that your partner had another issue to use to be cruel.

It’s not unusual for victims to blame themselves, take on too much responsibility for their abuser’s actions and even try harder not to arouse their partner’s anger. Of course we all want to hear those loving things people say to us and if we said them we would mean them so we expect the same from others. Where are you now with regards to this relationship? I do hope you are able to get away and start to rebuild your own life and self esteem. Maybe you will tell us that when you posts again.

This woman sounds nasty, cruel, heartless and much more, what was it that made you research psychopathy? Have you looked at Dr Hare’s checklist?

It does help to write your story even if you don’t post it all here, it allows you to get it out and separate yourself from it for a while. Telling others also helps confirm that it was not your fault you allowed yourself to be treated so badly when others tell you how they got sucked in to an abusive relationship for the same reasons as you.

I hope you feel comfortable now and that you can write more. As you can see the members here are all willing to listen and support new members on their road to recovery. All members are at different stages and it’s great when you see people moving forwards and offering support to others a bit further behind on the journey.

Best regards
Jan

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#9107 - 01/29/10 06:12 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your response and validating what I believed all along. It’s been a long three - four years with all of this and I know that I am NOT crazy. Yes, I felt very responsible as she insisted that I was. I joined her in her campaign against me and beat myself up every single day. I was a good target and gave her SO much power and fed her all day long.

I should be clear that she and I never had a full time, live in relationship and even though she said repeatedly that she wanted to be with me, she never did come to me. She would say it was hard for her to tell her wife, her wife was being too nice, she needed a little more therapy, then breast implants, then more therapy, then more time, then she called one day and said "I need you to let me go". Then she moved two weeks later to another city with her wife. I was left behind devastated and blaming myself for the failure.

I am getting a little ahead of myself here...I blamed myself for her leaving after the termination as I did not go to her and tell her when it happened. I blamed myself for staying silent and keeping the brutal attack to myself, I blamed myself for exposing her to possible STD's, AIDS, etc. I was not thinking straight as my whole world was crumbling. I convinced myself that I deserved her turning her back on me and leaving at the curb like yesterday's garbage. I even called and apologized, I called and cried saying I missed her so much, I called and begged her to come back to me, I called and lost more of my self respect each time.

She walked by a restaurant that I was sitting in and I ran out into the street and called her name. She turned and had the darkest look on her face, scary eyes, and when she realized it was me her eyes grew big and I ran to her and put my arms around her. We told each other we loved each other and the next day she left a CD for me with all kinds of love songs on it. I was hooked again. The cycle started and we were seeing each other but I maintained that I would be dating and she maintained that she would stay in her marriage.

After a few weeks I stopped seeing the woman that I was seeing as my emotions for her were too intense for anyone else to be in the picture. Also, she would send nasty messages to me, manipulate me, I felt guilty in going out period. I said that I would not date as she meant more to me and that I loved her which made her immensely happy. However, she did not leave her wife and in fact at the same time, was planning a cruise with her for the holidays. Of course I found that out at Christmas that year.

I stayed in my condo that Christmas while she vacationed on a cruise ship with her wife sending me messages about how much she loved me etc. On New Year's Eve I waited in my condo, lying on the couch waiting for her text message at midnight and I was so happy to receive it when it came. I was so stupid. I was incredibly hurt and lonely during this time that I could barley get through the days while she sent me text messages about her trip.

She returned with a promise to leave her wife and be with me. Right, more manipulation. Clearly she could see that she could do anything to me and I would always be there like the idiot I was. Then on the anniversary of my rape she sends a text message to me at 4:00 a.m. saying that she thinks something happened to her while she out and that she was raped. I was so upset and ran to her and put all of my feelings behind me - it monopolized all the time for the next few weeks and the anniversary of my attack faded into the background. I nursed her through that and its only now that I realize that it was probably a lie as she wanted the attention on her.

A few weeks after that she entered rehab as she is an alcoholic. It was a live in program and I visited her every morning for the entire time on my way to work. I bought her coffee, brought her flowers, sent her messages and did what I could so she felt that I was there and supporting her. The day she graduated I couldn’t go as her wife went instead and I felt so insignificant. She again told me that she wanted to be with me and she needed to sort out her life. I gave her that time and space after she exited rehab to do that.

This is exhausting to write and the hardest part is yet to come. I will be back to continue and thank you all for listening to my story.

Stunned again.


Edited by stunned again (01/29/10 11:00 AM)

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#9111 - 01/30/10 02:30 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

We hear that said time and time again that the victim feels like the crazy one! It’s all part of the game. My situation was different to yours but I questioned myself many times whether I really was seeing the things I did. We spend so much time fire fighting we don’t get chance to do any fire prevention.
When you take a step back and think things through you begin to accept that you really did experience those things and wonder why you went along with it. I suppose we internalise things, try to make sense of them then try to rectify the situation. As we try to take responsibility for changing things we get more things thrown at us to deal with.
It’s a control thing, we are knocked off balance so many times that we feel the situation is controlling us and we don’t know how to put it right. In reality we can’t, all we can do is walk away.

In a way I’m not surprised your ex used your attack as a way to hurt you, it’s like mirroring at its worst! A psychopath mirrors, they copy, they act and steal. I suppose you can now see what she did as a very cruel act but at the time it brought out the caring side of you and it must feel terrible she used you like that. She stole your pain and used it against you.

When you think about it, you wouldn’t have been chosen as a victim if you were cold and heartless. Its the kind and caring who are perfect targets.

I hope it’s helping you writing about your experience, once its all out then you can put it to one side for a while and then look at it a step to getting over it.

Regards
Jan

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#9122 - 02/01/10 06:36 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your comments – it truly validates how I felt on the inside but could never voice or prove. There was a repeated theme of my attack and maybe that’s the best place to start off for the final chapter of my experiences with this woman.

So, after rehab we spent that summer spending as much time as we could and despite her statements that she was leaving she made no attempt to do so. I bought her a scooter, well put a sizeable down payment, and helped her get her license. She later sold that scooter and bought another scooter within 3 months without a word to me. Trashed the scooter that I bought (although she picked it out) and was satisfied that she bought the better bike. Whatever. I was afraid to raise any issue with her and waited for her to come to me. Then she decided to get breast implants so she couldn’t leave then, then she said that she had a further rehab program to do that she had no idea that she would start so early. That was a lie as she in an 8 week program that was preparing her for the in-depth program. She assumed that I would never find out.

By this time I was more than a little fed up of waiting, hearing the excuses and something inside of me was telling me that she was lying, although at a conscious level I could not voice or accept that. I finally had a breakdown about a month after her surgery as I could not take it any longer as I was approaching the 3 year mark. She took that opportunity that I was in so much pain (I had a meltdown at work in a boardroom in the middle of a meeting and left the office crying – I was a senior level manager at the time) to say well I have to figure my life out (didn’t she do that already?) so I will leave you alone and come back when I have figured it out. What???? I was devastated but tried to understand her and cope with my pain yet again.

She went to little contact with me and we did not see each other very often and spoke (or rather text) less often. I started to re-establish myself with my friends and my life and try and get things back on track. During this time I did manage to meet another person and we hit it off. She was a respected member of the community, smart, funny, successful and I was a little swept off my feet by her. I started to enjoy my time with her but I was longing for someone else and tried to stay connected. However as time went on I was feeling better staying away from her and building a better life.

Then in December of that year, out of the blue she calls me and says “I need you to let me go”. No conversation, no indication that she is leaving and poof – gone. She and her wife pack up and leave town and move on with their lives. I am absolutely devastated after all the promises never to leave me, that we would be together, etc. all lies. She did this on the day that I lost my job and less than 2 weeks before Christmas with nothing more than a casual comment that said “wow that’s too bad, are you ok?”! Very cold and cruel and later that day I let her go and asked her not to forget us which was met with silence.

I will fast forward a little her - we get back into contact in late December with messages of Happy New Year, etc. It starts to be more frequent and I tell her that I am dating another woman. She does not like that at all and goes on a text lambasting. I remind her that she is the one who left and leave it at that. She continues to text me and I answer and then she shows up in my city with a CD for me loaded with love songs. Of course I fall for it and tell her how much I love her and that I want to be with her. She of course cannot be with me as she is “working on her marriage” and details that in a long email to me. That email was all lies – how do you work on a marriage and still pursue me? You don’t but I got caught up in her lies, manipulations and bought that she was struggling and that she was truly in love with me. Wrong.

My relationship is growing more serious with this other woman and she knows it. She turns up the heat trying to get me caught up in her web and it works. I was so confused about what she was doing and came out and asked her about our future – of course that is met with oh it’s so difficult for her, she didn’t think she was leaving and now she is struggling all over again. I fell for that AGAIN. On the second anniversary of my brutal attack she announced to me that she wanted to have a baby and was “preparing” herself for it by going for a fertility test, looking at donors, etc. I walked for hours in the rain that day with my heart so wounded and beat up – she never mentioned a baby to me before and then on the anniversary of my attack for which I had to terminate she decided to tell me this? My heart broke in a million pieces as I knew she was hurting me so deeply and profoundly on purpose.

This time, I did not give up my life for her and let things run their course – bad idea. She shows up at my condo one morning and I am with this woman that I have been seeing. Not a good scene and she ran with that and tried everything to dig the knife into me, calling me all kinds of names then sending me messages that she still loves me. I couldn’t take it and asked that she not contact me again and that I was moving on. We had no contact for 9 weeks and I received a voicemail message where she repeated over and over again how much she loved me. She was drinking again and I fell for it and contacted her as I could not get her out of my mind.

I did meet with her and we sat down and were having a drink and she began to tell me that she was dating a guy (she is lesbian) and she was hoping to have a baby with him. I could not breathe and I rose from my chair and asked her to take me back to my car. She was shocked by my reaction and as I walked out of the restaurant I decided that I would walk back to my car. She followed me and finally convinced me to get into the car. At that point she made a sarcastic comment that she could not go back to that restaurant again. I finally settled and we went for a drink, I got sucked back into her charm, she played on my every emotion and I began to slip back into her again.

She taunted me most of the summer displaying pictures of this guy on her facebook (she is still married) and told me stories of travelling (I travel quite a bit), meeting lots of new people (I constantly meet new people), having lots of “experiences”, hurting me with those experiences, creating this incredible life of freedom as apparently she and her wife now have an open relationship!! Bought a new car which was a red convertible like mine, blue contacts (my eyes are blue), red BlackBerry as mine is red, buying new style of clothes from stores that I shop at, now having her nails done (I have regular manicures), etc. It was a little creepy how things were similar and the house that she moved into in another city as exactly the same as the house that my current partner owns. I am not trying to inflate my ego here I really think it is creepy.

She uses Facebook to broadcast her life (a.k.a. lies) to hook people, namely me, into engaging with her. I tried my best to stay away and I have only seen it on occasion and each time it has been very painful. Being in a position of longing for someone for an extended period of time and then seeing her openly live her life with a guy was too much for me to take. Finally, out of the blue, I get a message from her to let her go again, she wants me to have a wonderful life, she wants a wonderful life and not to contact her again as she is happy. I did not respond to that message as I finally saw her for what she is, a game playing, mentally ill person.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of looking at her Facebook again and there she is with a new girlfriend celebrating New Year’s Eve. Remember my earlier post about waiting for her text on New Year’s Eve? Of course it felt like a very big slap in the face and even though I am no longer with her, it hurt very deeply. I sent a message asking if that was her new girlfriend to which she responded “yes it is”. That’s my last contact and I am so happy that she posted those pictures and sent that message to me. She was self-satisfied and arrogant in her response and she finally freed me from the fog – she is an incredibly cold, cruel individual and I am in a relationship now filled with love and understanding. Something I never had with her.

That relationship was devastating to me in every way – emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. She did raise her hand to me on more than one occasion but really, the physical wounds are much easier to recover from. I lost everything with this woman, my family, my home, my career but I am happy to say that I rebuilding and have learned many, many lessons. The only negative feeling I have is that it is not over with her and I am not sure what is coming but know there is something. I will deal with that when it happens but maybe its truly over and she has moved on – I can only hope!

Thanks for listening to my very long story and for your compassion.

Stunned again

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#9124 - 02/01/10 07:26 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned Again

Firstly I think congratulations are in order!

Despite what this woman did to you, you have retained all those good qualities that allowed you to be sucked in by her and can now enjoy a new relationship where they will be appreciated and secondly due to your strength and resilience you can now see clearly now the fog is lifted. So congratulations on both counts and I hope this relationship is everything you both deserve.

I have to go now but I would like to talk to you later when I can spend time going over what you have told us.

Regards
Jan

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#9125 - 02/01/10 07:38 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

Thanks for your kind words and support! I would be happy to go over this with you when you have more time...I am just happy to be alive and living!

Stunned again.

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#9126 - 02/01/10 11:44 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi stunned again, I am so sorry you had to endure this. One comment in reply to what you said: I will deal with that when it happens but maybe its truly over and she has moved on – I can only hope!

Maybe if you were the one who moved on she wouldn't be of any bother to you again? It sounds like you are doing a terrific with your own moving on, what she is up to will never change. They use people like bait to see if they take the hook so they can beat them with the rod. They do go away when they don't get what they want which is to hurt others. It sounds like you are on a great and positive road, the new woman in your life is wonderful to hear, don't let the old one ruin your chances at a new life.

Di

Your story is very interesting and I will look forward to reading more as you are ready.

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#9127 - 02/01/10 12:07 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Di,

Thanks for replying to my post and I have worked incredibly hard breaking away and starting a new life. I have done therapy alone and with my new partner as some of my behaviors in this new relationship have been acting out from the previous relationship. I had a lot of anger and bitterness and I was taking it out on everyone, especially my new partner. She believed in me and stuck by my side - I am incredibly lucky to have her.

My concern is that since she disappeared out of the blue, I feel it isn't over and I am expecting more fallout but one never really knows. I don't dwell on it, but it crosses my mind. I like your analogy of baiting the hook and being beaten by the rod - that has been so true for me. She has an insatiable appetite to hurt me and I'm sure others – what a sad life to live. I am happy to leave it all behind but I had some really dark times and I am still a little “awe struck” that I survived it all. Meaning, that emotionally and spiritually I survived.

Stunned again

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#9129 - 02/01/10 10:40 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi stunned again, that is terrific that your new partner is supporting you in therapy. Many times events like this can make a person behave in a very defensive mode and getting help is a huge plus. Think of your great success and since you are overcoming this, life won't probably give you any more challenges as difficult as this one. If you do see the Psychopath, just stare straight ahead and pretend she isn't there which is in fact true, she isn't there and never will be there for what you deserve in life Have you discussed the possibility of having PTSD with you therapist, there is some information n the resource section here which is usually the case after these life changing events. Your new girlfriend sounds like a real keepeer;)

Di

It is very easy to make this evil relationship become the center of your new relationship which needs to form it's own building blocks and once you have come to a place where you can put it behind you and you certainly have learned from it would be a great oppoortunity to start with new building blocks with your new partner. Personally I would erase any messages and toss any photos in the fire. Unless you think for some future ordeal it might be evidence I would erase her like chalk from a chalkboard. You truly deserve the best, try not to even peek at ther faceback, those kind of things can trigger the horror you have had to endure. Think of her as someone you clearly never knew and it was just a nightmare and you are the survivor.
_________________________
We help others by lending an "ear" to listen with compassion in our hearts for all those that cross our Internet door. Validation and support help the healing process and you are safe here.

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#9133 - 02/02/10 03:38 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Stunned again

Thanks for sharing your story. I think we have all been on a journey following it.
When I first started reading it I didn’t think it would have a happy ending but I’m so pleased it has.
Your new relationship must be incredibly strong, she must be a very wise woman to see through your acting out and be willing to work through them with you. She obviously sees the real you and values that person. What a great foundation to build from.

The more I read of your story made me see what a caring, sensitive person you are and how trusting that you had hope and belief that your personality would rub off on your ex. Now you know that will never happen you have gained knowledge and insight into yourself. That is positive.
I can’t begin to imagine the hurt this person caused you by using your attack to get not just attention for herself but to try to take your emotions. A typical psychopath is empty and steals other peoples’ actions, words and try to take their personality as well as their possessions.

What I would like to know is what was the turning point for you? Where did the inner strength come form to make changes because you had to address the very person you are. That person is a good person but you felt you had to change?

I do hope you will never, ever consider having any contact with this person again. Going back even to try to discuss what happened will not change the past or who this person is. You have learned the game of promises and lies. You have a good person in your life now so imagine the hurt it would cause her to see you going back to the past.

Maybe you could offer some support to others here because you have been through hell and are nearly out of it now.

I look forward to hearing much more from you if you are able.

My best wishes to you both.
Regards
Jan

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#9134 - 02/02/10 06:26 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: ]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Jan,

First, thank you so much for your support and you are right - my new partner is very wise and she does see the person behind all the pain for which I am grateful. I have told her on a number of occasions that she has “saved me” and I truly feel that I would be in a very dark place without her.

Thank you for validating how I felt about the attack and that it was used to her advantage. That was a theme in my “relationship” with her – I would hurt and she would twist the knife. I always felt so confused and then responsible for the mess. She was very good at that.

My turning point was many bumps along the road and a general clearing of the fog that I was in. I woke up one day and thought I have lost my family, my home, my job and I need to figure my way out of this. This is not where I had hoped to be when I graduated college and had all sorts of dreams. Everything was beaten out of me, especially my hope which is something that I have clung to my entire life. I began to feel frightened about my future and see that fear reflected back at me through people around me. I started to examine my actions over the past few years to see where I went wrong and how I could fix that.

I went to a new therapist, someone who specialized in trauma therapy, and I began to see the core wounds that I have carried most of my life. There was a reason why a successful, bright, talented, attractive woman was caught in such a mess and I was determined to find those answers despite how difficult it would be. I started to examine my abusive childhood and discovered that I grew up with a core value that I was not lovable. The relationship with her reinforced that core belief and brought about some behaviors that were deeply engrained in me. The more she pushed me away, the more I pursued to say, “see, love me, and don’t abandon me!” I was repeating my relationship with my mother and that directly fed her and gave her SOOOOO much power. It left me feeling unlovable so that cycle completed and repeated.

I came to realize that I needed to change those core values about myself, and to give myself credit, I did recognize at some point that I needed to do something different and save myself. I did that when I met my new partner and kept that relationship alive and did not sacrifice that for her like she wanted me to. By doing that, I gave myself a chance at a life, happiness but I truly did not know the end result I was just trying to survive.

It was equally painful looking inside and reliving those core wounds and it felt like I was going through that trauma all over again, however it was essential in my recovery. At the same time, I had sporadic contact her and I was watching some pretty horrific behaviors in her that I mentioned previously. I thought that, or rather she stated that it was my fault that her behaviors were out of control. She started drinking again because I hurt her, she was sleeping with a guy because he could never hurt her like I could, she was sleeping with all sorts because I hurt her…everything was because I hurt her. After a while I realized that she always had these behaviors and was seeing multiple people while seeing me – the only difference now was that she was angry at having lost control of me and was showing me what she was all about to hurt me as much as she could. She just hurt herself more in the end – what I got was the truth which I desperately needed.

In a way, she set me free with her behaviors and it was a single text that she sent asking me to let her go. I thought, “Wow, she thinks we are in a relationship and this is so out of the blue and just really warped.” That caused me to look at her personality, behaviors, lies, etc. very closely and I came to the conclusion that nothing was my fault and all this time it was her. I knew she was trying to manipulate and pull me back in yet again and for the first time I absolutely refused and clearly saw it as her issue. I know it took a long time for me to see her for what she is and those around me breathed a collective sigh of relief and a united “It’s about time!”

My therapist was also instrumental in helping me see the relationship without the fog and being very honest with myself. Again, I have to give myself some credit as I was very motivated to get past the trauma of this relationship and get on with my life. I now feel that I have incredible insight into myself, I am resolving some long standing issues that I have had and I am so happy to say that I have found a new job with lots of promise and opportunity. This time around I will not squander these opportunities and let my core behaviors take over and maybe in a way, I needed my life ripped out from underneath me to appreciate what I have now. In this light, I can only thank her for waking me up.

However, I want to be clear, I do not accept her behaviors, I did not deserve them, and I do deserve so much better than what she is capable of giving. The lesson was not lost on me and it has only made me stronger in the end. For others, I can only say look within yourself and try and understand why you are or were in the relationships that have been so devastating.

Oh one more thing – I will NEVER contact her again and should I see her, I will look past her to my bright future.

Stunned again.

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#9135 - 02/02/10 06:46 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
stunned again Offline
member

Registered: 01/27/10
Posts: 10
Hi Di,

Thank you for your support and insight – I am so glad that I found this blog. I have been on other blogs but the stories although incredibly similar were not resounding with me. Once I started reading this site I was nodding my head in agreement, felt chills running through me and knew I had found the answer that I was so desperately searching for. As I said in my pervious post, if I do see her I will look past her and directly into my bright future. 

I have thrown out almost everything and I have a few items left which I am going to dispose of on February 8th…that’s the anniversary of when I met her. I can’t think of a better way to spend that day throwing everything into the lake, watching it sink to the bottom as I say goodbye forever. It’s symbolic to me and it will be very cathartic and my partner is going with me for moral support which I think is great. I have saved some messages as I believe I just may need them as evidence and when the time comes to dispose of those messages I will, but I don’t believe that I am out of the woods yet as far as she is concerned.

You are quite right that I and my partner will build on a healthier foundation now that I have put this whole mess behind me and therapy has helped us do that. Thank you so much for the tip on PTSD and I believe that I do have some issues. As an example, because she communicated almost exclusively by BlackBerry, each time my BlackBerry goes off I shake and just thought “Oh, I must be cold.” It was my partner that pointed out to me that I was shaking from the stress of getting another nasty text message from her. There are many more visceral reactions that I have but I will look into that and thanks again Di.

Stunned again.

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#9598 - 04/04/10 03:06 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 45
I am new to this site, but have recent experience in this subject. I just went through the worst hell of my life and am staring to make sense of what my psychopath boyfriend (I need to enforce that no contact thing right now) has been doing to me and saying to me. I was sexually abused as a child and my psychopath knows alot about this. He went through a major process of finding out from me the details of some things that hurt me and how they made me feel.

It came down to more of me pleading with him to understand so that he would not hurt me. I didn't realize that he understood perfectly well. He took everything I said and used it to try to break me. I was so low I couldn't even realize what he was doing. He knew how to make me disasociate back to being a small child and then he would abuse me worse. He kept me in this state for almost two months. He had made remarks about enjoying pain. He also had accused me of getting high of of getting angry at him before.

He'd also said that he was turned on when I would get angry at him. It was more like shattered by something he had just said or done to hurt me. He also made mention of looking at bondage porn. He was so evil and then thank God His family put him in rehab. While he was in there I was able to see how he had carefully plotted out each step to really try to destroy me.

There is alot more to this whole story. It's all just staring to come together for me right now though. I did not know how to grasp what he'd done and after he did 30 days in rehab He came out claiming miracle changes and acting like nothing had happened. I needed answers and he went right back to his normal pathological lying ways. I had found out he was cheating on me as well so he was doing everything to explain while trying to avoid admitting that he'd cheated.

He has had a close relationship with satin at times. He claimed to be at war between him and God for his soal. But he was pure evil. He told me that he had thoughts of murder. and sex and I 'm not sure if he was just trying to avoid the cheating subject. But when i read this post tonight It all seemed to fit together. He uses many women through sex and their emotions and he controls them through pain. This Pain He causes he enjoys very much. I saw that without a doubt.

It was mainly his need to control. I would not commit to being with him when he had asked me to right before this all started and he was out to kill my soal. He did everything he could possibly do. He made me loose my job as well. I knew I was physically dying. I could feel it. But the emotional pain in my soal was worse than anything I can even describe. I feel so far beyond raped. I don't know where to go for help. I have been isolated from my friends and family. He has my family brainwashed anyways. He cannot destroy my soal. It does not belong to him. It belongs to God. So I will be ok.

I need to keep him out of my life. He had to do 10 days in jail. He has nine left and I think that is what I need to start this no contact. I'm afraid of him. He has tried to wreck my life when I have tried to get away from him before. I live in my own home though. He has told me quite a bit about him being a psychopath. I found out and his brother was just diagnosed as one. He is not always possessed. But it all just seems like another mask apon a mask to me sometimes. He is one big sadistic lying cheating W...? I hope any of this made sense. This is the first time I've talked about it. And now I feel like I can finally fall asleep with a little peace. Thank you

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#10045 - 10/02/10 03:43 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
It is my belief motivation of a psychopath is conflict.
This is my theory of what motivate Psychopath.


He conducts his main life relationships in a "visiting marriage" fashion.
This would mean a Psychopaths conflict lies in roles best described by a matriarchs society. He would see women,relationships and intimacy as extensions of his ie mother,sisters and aunts ect relations.

He would need to destroy or reconcile the conflict. Early childhood years desire to have sex with ones mother,female family members. A normal phase in early life. Bed wetting usually occurs near that age range in children. When the psyche has resolved conflicts child is well adjusted has mastered bowel,bladder ect. Continued bed wetting may be a result of conflicts not being resolved in that phase of life.(excluding medical patients, conditions).

Those familial sexual responses, relations are not allowed in society. Rejecting the rules of society would enforce his perceived conflict with society. Perhaps allow self acceptance,also of sexual fantasy. Boundary issues,boundary failures.

He would need a constant change in relationship partners when the conflict arose of gratification/guilt cycle. First sexual encounters would arise of taboo. Attractions would be driven by taboo then repulsed by it.
After sexual contact would loose desire of (forbidden fantasy) stimulus. Relive it again in forbidden acts,promiscuity.
Filling the "visiting marriage" model, he would display superficial qualities to be well met,not understanding the precepts of true intimacy or relationships behind the marriage,partnership dynamic.
Object relations begin.

He harbors jealousy. Displays jealous behaviors towards the matriarchs,recipients of gifts,praise ect as those were the social invitations,novelties of the "visiting marriage"model.
A head matriarch would be the primary comforter of psychopath. Relationships for Psychopath would cast mate into this role. May be sexless after gratification/guilt cycle takes over again.

The role of the mother figure would be submission,servitude,seductress,service.
Fathers role in home perceived as male dominating of females, in brief encounters and not enforcer,leader of household. "visiting marriage" only perceived as sexual contact,rights to sexual contact.

Parental roles and controls would be established by the head matriarch. psychopath may be comforted or have bad behaviors overlooked,excused by the head matriarch. Lies may evolve from magical words,actions for reward, treats or positive enforcements. Loss of matriarchs emotional support through changes in location, household, age,natural causes. No comforter figure replacement.

Not special to anyone,rejects everyone. Belittles,inflicts emotional abuse to maintain emotional void belonging only to comforter. Denies or blocks comfort to others. Controls others.
Delinquency,depression,anger. A loner stance ie self against the world.
Criminal acts,petty thievery,vandalism. Acting out.
Fits or angry outbursts would prompt parental attention in part,filling emotional need with negative reactions.

Would find negative means of gaining attention easy,quick fix,continue gaining attention in this manner.
Impulse control would be weak, not developed.
The mother may work outside of home. Primary care left to females.
The role of male breadwinner would not be seen as contributer. lack of financial role model enforcement would lead to parasitic outcome, conflicts.
Masculinity repressed,perpetual boyhood to identify with women,womens roles. Suppress forbidden sexual fantasy,desires,urges. Rejection causes tension. Fighting to eliminate tension. Sexual inhibitions.
The secret need to destroy the male(s)/father,husbands,boyfriends,brothers. Male figures equating to problems with law,authority figures,primary male roles. Alpha male identity crisis,conflict.
Destroys mother figure(s) mentally/physically to resolve fantasy conflicts,eliminate guilt. Feels no remorse because relief is felt instead.
Drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions. Alcoholism is strong in some matriarch societies. Physical acts of violence to destroy mother,female conflict.
Presents false image at times with "elder lady"behaviors. Example,church,friendly in community,good deeds,babysitting. Trust gained in community.

Over pronounced ailments,attention seeking,small injuries exaggerated in "elder"fashion to gain helpers,care,sympathy. False or exaggerated health complaints of a geriatric nature.
Alternates between patriarch/matriarch conflicts.

Failure of self identity to form, establish in either polarity. Identity crisis, mirrors others.
Cycles in senior female,alpha male,child mentality to gain best of all social aspects of life.
Conflict in identity/guilt in each.

Matriarch societies of animals and their behaviors have psychopath elements.
This would include Orca Whales,Elephants and Bees.

"Visiting marriage" model often found in military families,traveling salesman families,long haul truck drivers families.




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#10076 - 10/06/10 11:49 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
First roots of conflict as motivation

This conflict point for a Psychopath life may have developed from early care separation of a senior primary nurturing family member.
The senior would come to live with or near the extended family or visa versa.
The family needs, condition,health,financial or death of spouse of the senior was basis.
The child would form a nurture,nurture bond with senior.
Communication and bonding learned,primary nurture enforced,shared with senior.
Examples of senior communications,influence of conversations. Enforced in nurture relationship.
anxious
Being placed in home,confined.
Loss of spouse,grief.
Fear
Isolation
Abuse
Separation anxiety.
Failing health
Dementia
Anger with non tradition
contempt
safety
Expenses,financial loss-gain
Lack,empathy,
comfort,nurturing,nutrition.
Needs increased,burdens
Loss
crisis
death

Many seniors have the above fears,conversations,laments.
Narcissistic behavior equals survival.
In grief people feel if they would have changed...,it may have been avoided,delayed,prolonged life.
The child would feel responsible for the "dying"relationship. Loss of bonding.
Mixed signals. Parent glad of no suffering,went peaceful.
Conflict of child,family is glad at child's personal loss.
Child may have been to young to attend family death rituals.
Unable to cope with primary nurture loss scenario.
Child would resent, seek to destroy the believed creators of the loss scenario.

I have found the senior nurturing aspect a constant feature in the lives of psychopath family,spouse,sibling,friend. Diagnosed by professionals as,

2 fledgling Ps.,antisocial (adults by legal age definition)

Adults diagnosed
1 psychopath
1 antisocial
1 inadequate personality,antisocial

I think it should be explored by professionals studying psychopaths. All 5 share a common, early, primary nurture/loss theme.








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#10092 - 10/08/10 10:01 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
I have noticed psychopaths are motivated to replicate.
They replicate the negative conflicts of there formative years.
Most people do. Its just very pronounced,predictable with a Psychopath.
They get mad if life does not fit the mold of their choosing.
They have designed a mold for you.
You are selected to fill the mold.
They have a role designed for your act.
You of course will not be a perfect fit,but close.
Psychopath will enforce his efforts to make you fit.
To find your part in his mystery drama look to his past.
He will give you tell tale signs of your part.

You may be his sister.
You will fit her body type.
Listen to what he says about her.
If he says she was lazy,watching soaps all day and later tells you that you are lazy,parked on on your----all day watching soaps or if he asks you, if you were- then you know your mold is his sister.
If he punched her,or made threats too he will punch you or make threats to.
If he hated her friends,he will hate yours.
If she was always on the phone,he will complain you are.
If she wore her hair short he will tell you he hates short hair.
He will then suggest you try a short hair doo,
After he has told you he likes your long hair.
If you get new shoes he will need some also.
If you get birthday money he will expect you to share it.
He will barrow things from you-even your clothes,not return them.
He will be sexually impulsive,experimental.
Invasions on your privacy,in your personal space will be the norm.
Intrusions on your alone time will be rude and abrupt.
He will always be trying to "catch"you at something.
Will brag,talk and have you meet his girlfriends.
He will whine about doing more dishes or chores then you do.

He is predictable in saying something about ten times then say the opposite the eleventh time.
You question his sincerity because of this pattern.
He is not sincere. He will use you for his version of what you are supposed to be.
He will destroy your identity and re create you.
The eleventh answer is his mold filler.
You will know by that wild card opposite what his purpose is for you.

If he says you look or act like an old lady (eleventh)after telling you how good you look for the week to get the bank card,he is thinking you fit a mold he designed for grandma,she was usually his strongest advocate.
He will need you,be clinging and have you advocating for him.
He will plead his cause to you with tears.
He will give you money or food. Mow your lawn regular.
Volunteer to do little things,run errands.
He will play you against his mother. He will want your protection.
If you do not play your part right he will steal from you.
He will not like you to wear clothes that are cutting edge styles or body art or wild hair color.
He will have you buy or make cakes,treats.
He will be sexually dysfunctional. {He will be inhibited}
He will grocery shop with you if he shopped with grandma.
He will find something to do with you or around you or the family,kids on Sundays.

If you are his Mom imposter you will know by her look in early pictures. You will look like she did.
At least when he first met and pursued you.
He will have more ailments and complaints for you then other people.
He will do his own laundry because his Mom snooped.
He will ask you for money for lunch,gas.
Even if he has his own money.
He will not pay rent,bills or worry about breaking the bank.
He will feel you "owe"him.
He will call and check in.
Sneak out to drink. Leave womens things where you will find them.
What ever his mom got mad for about him will be in your face.(bad habits)
He will say things that sound like he is talking to his Mom.
He will ask you why you are always mad at him,nagging him.
If he thinks she gave in easy,he will say you are easy.
If he thinks she was witholding,he will say you are.
If he could come and go as pleased, he will come and go as pleased.
If she did not like him to have a key, you will have him controlling keys.
He will steal food you bought and hide the container where you will find it.
He will be moody,immature and pick fights to get his way.
He will thrash your car. Have sex in your car. Negative teen behaviors.
All his mothers complaints will become yours.

He will fill ALL the male molds.

If he is his brother and brother was a tv hog to siblings he will hog the tv from kids.
If his brother got all the girls he will try to get all the girls.
If his brother never had to take out the garbage, he will not take out the garbage. He will say things like,its not my job.
If his brother had a nice car,he will have a nice car. Even if you do not.

If he is his dad,he will respond to you accordingly.
If his dad was henpecked,he will accuse you of henpecking.
If dinner was on the table at 5 he will nag you about the dinner hour being at 5:30.
If his dad stopped after work for a beer,he will.
If his dad was abusive he will be.
If he acts out of anger, it will be in places associated with his dad or his dads profession or hangouts from stories he heard about his dad. He will be addicted to his dad's ideal dream woman,centerfolds,strippers included. If his dad likes blonds he will target blonds. He will trump his father,in his own mind.


Have you noticed this?



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#10110 - 10/10/10 12:13 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Do not yell at a Psychopath. Very interesting Article link
http://srilankawatch.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=114&Itemid=2

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#10281 - 11/08/10 05:12 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
BeenHad Offline
member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
Is it possible that Psychopaths seek out co-dependent people (women). I always get sucked in by my Psychopath when he tells me he 'needs' me. I cant resist being that person for him. I want to be that person, I feel I need to be that person for him because I dont believe anyone else is capable since no one knows him as well as I do. Only I can meet his needs because Im the only person who really understands him.
Im a pathetic mess...

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#10282 - 11/08/10 05:26 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: clearblue]
BeenHad Offline
member

Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
YES! I have noticed this...in everything he does. It is chilling how clearly a Psychopath is defined...so why is it SO hard to get away from them?

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#10286 - 11/08/10 08:21 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: BeenHad]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi BeenHad,
You are a knight in shining armor.
You see the Psychopath as needing rescued.
You are ready an willing to rescue the Psychopath.
Will Psychopath tend to your rusty spots in return?

Our highest desire in life is to be the rescuer,accept the rescue mission.
We volunteer for the position. We seek honor.

We long to conquer the powers that be, that hold are fellow human(love) chained in the dungeon or
high in the towers or (jail).
It is a sign of royal blood, deeds.
We long for it, as it pumps through our every vein,never reaching the heart.
Psychopath will not give you the life force of the heart.
He will stop short at your elevated blood pressure cuff.

You can rescue a Psychopath
With bail money someday.

When Psychopath is making you feel like you can free France and have him in the bargain,
you are falling under the spell.

Psychopath has you where he really wants you.
At his beckon call.

There will be a mission for you.
Someone,some where in time will appeal and return your desire.
If you burn out from Psychopath's rescue rehearsals you will miss the real love of your life.
Psychopath is a time thief.
Years will escape into a maze of "here",rescue me here,there. Why can't you be everywhere.
It will never be good enough for a Psychopath.
He was waiting for the whole calvary to show up.

He is not capable of mutual love.
He will not have a conscience.
When the honeymoon(spell)period is over and its back to the mill he will look for another.
You will forget what it was,how it was that got you so far in debt,heartbreak with a Psychopath.

Ask any Psychopath you know about the "love"of his life.
Put your armor on first,what he says hurts your heart.
His lies go straight to the heart.
We love to catch a liar,not lies.

Leave yourself open for true love,not open with wounds.
Love will try to find you.
It is the rule of nature to fill in all empty places.
Try to skip mowing for a couple weeks,you will see what I mean.
All things seek to fulfill in good,natural ways.
We must be patient.

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#10288 - 11/09/10 12:31 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: clearblue]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi, the being sucked in part could also be due to weak boundaries. Boundaries really control a large part of our lives.

Clearly there are different techniques with a Psychopat but the same general attitude. When he calls and begs and says he has to see you, it is probably because he has nothing better to do or his latest victim is busy. Saying no in any situation is very hard but when you find yourself caving in to his scam just saying no that first time and you will feel empowered to keep doing it to get him out of your life. He will give up.

Without firm boundaries people in general can walk all over you. There is no crime for putting yourself first. Also if you can think about the pain and heartache it might make that path to saying no easier to do. Nothing is easy it is just amount of keeping your feet on the ground and not be lured in. Think about it like a campfire, if you put your hand in the fire it will be burned for certain. This is the same with a relationship with a Psychopath there will be no route other than getting burned.

Are setting boundaries easy, heck no, I remind myself to keep my hand away from that fire. We will always get close to the fire in life it is a matter of not getting your hand burned off or just a small spot.

You deserve the best life has to offer. One observation over all these years is the typical/survivor/victim are the nicest people in the world. By not wanting to offend or think you are offending, yet in reality you are dealing with an empty shell that has no capacity to feel love or any understanding, they are parasites. There is so much more you deserve for yourself, just try saying no, and see how your strength will grow. It will also keep your heart from being trampled on.

If anyone is game and does go the no route, let us know how it felt and what happened.

Di

Always remember he knows exactly which buttons to push.

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#10384 - 12/02/10 10:03 AM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
Violet Offline
member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105
Lars,

Your post leaves me confused. I don't really understand how you are able to seek amusement by trying to drive this alleged Psychopath "mad".

I am speculating that there is more to your story, beyond curiousity and amusement. You described being physically attacked by this neighbor...Was there, at some point in time, a relationship between the two of you? Even in a non-traditional sense; a friendship, or crush perhaps? It does not make sense to me why you would be seeking amusement through instigation with a previously violent person?

Are you trying to upset them mentally as some sort of means of revenge? My questions are not answering your questions, so I will address your questions:

1) What about the stare, what should I do and am I right about what it means?

What should you do? Stop giving this person the opportunity to stare at you. Stop hanging out on your porch. The ONLY effective way to deal with a psychopath is NO CONTACT. There are no exceptions to this rule. There is no way to guess what is going on in that persons head while they are staring at you. It may be as simple as, they know that the staring puzzles you, therefore staring maintains your curiousity in them, gives them a form of attention. Or they could be staring at you, planning out how they are going to try to break your ribs/jaw again. You really don't know. Seems risky to be taking the time to ponder what they are thinking anyway? Are you getting enough amusement out of the entire situation to risk your physical safety?

2)If I for my own amusement want to do everything possible to make him mad, not fit in the mold etc, how do I do that?
It seems that you should have some concern for the danger you are putting yourself in. Understand there is no way to get revenge with a psychopath. You can anger them, or frustrate them, but they will never process revenge as you and I know it. Their brains literally can not process any sense of responsibility, so the equation of revenge will never be processed either. It is wasted energy on your part.

3) What are the dangers with it?

Based on what you have told us, I would have to guess that communication on any level would re-open the door for physical danger. Entertaining yourself with taunting a mentally ill person is a horrible idea! Seek amusement elsewhere! Still interested in the risks of "making him mad"? Read through the posts on this forum. There are many many examples of the kinds of dangers psychopaths present.

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#10386 - 12/02/10 11:53 PM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Lars,
I hope you have a safe plan of action.
Your safety and healing journey are the most important gifts you can allow yourself
to experience.
Anger is a part of healing.
Healthy outlets will make you a winner,survivor.

I would try any or all of these ideas to increase your peace of mind.
Support group
Punching bag
break eggs
scream,shout and curse(somewhere private)

quote:
I have a few questions if I may.
1. What about the stare, what should I do and am I right about what it means?
It can mean many things. It is an exchange of energy. What type of energy depends on the situation.
2. If I for my own amusement want to do everything possible to make him mad, not fit in the mold etc, how do I do that?Do you feel fit in the "mold"now? If not you are doing great. If so you are in the Psychopath comfort zone. Get distance and keep it.
3. What are the dangers with it? If you find a Psychopath anger amusing have you experienced Psychopath anger?
Danger is an unpredictable outcome with an undesirable consequence. It is exactly what to expect if you illicit a danger/mad/anger response with any Psychopath.


Lars,I hope you may cherish your safety and the gifts of your healing journey.
I can understand your feelings of wanting to gain control,revenge towards a Psychopath's abuse.
You will win if you choose safe actions that reflect you.
Please consider your safety first.
I hope I can celebrate and explore your unique approach to winning,healing with you.
I feel a great start toward validation by having read what you have shared of your story,
needs and link.
Please share more when you can.
I feel very supporting of you.
You are not alone in this time or place in your life.
Take good care












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#10395 - 12/03/10 09:52 PM Re: What do I do to not fit in the mold? [Re: Lars]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Lars,
I am very concerned for your safety.
Are you in isolation with this Psychopath and his entourage?
Do you have limited choices,resources or access to an area of safety or resources?
What are the small steps you will take for self help?
You should view with discrimination any Psychopath movie/video.
Most of those types of depictions of Psychopath characters are part truth at best.
The makers use hype story lines and outrageous character story lines to solicit an audience.
To many "what ifs" are not given to clarity.
Let your experience of truth be your guide.


An entourage is a fan group of sorts for the Psychopath.
The entourage,fans will do the bidding and keep the Psychopath well cloaked and cared for.
The Psychopath is generally the one making actions of the group and group responsible for the Psychopath's intentions.
The group is easily used by the Psychopath to carry out criminal actions.
It would be a very dangerous situation for you to be alone with this group in your personal space.
Your biggest fears may be exploited and used to taunt you,harm you by the Psychopath and entourage if they are making you fearful,let that be a warning to you for safe action.
The Psychopath may also pose as your rescuer,helping you from the entourage just to victimize you in private and enforce denial and lies of the Psychopath to peers,society.

Sexual advances,verbal abuse and physical abuse would be a great concern.
Group excitement could lead to group assault.
Can you carry a cell phone?
If so program your one number dialing for an emergency call number suited to your area.
Can you document and report your abuse to any help person?
Is anyone aware of your suffering?

I would caution you strongly against using an assault or intimidation or
retaliation plan against the Psychopath or Psychopath entourage.
It is far to dangerous.
The person,persons taunting you is using threats an intimidation to bully you.
Do you know why or how you are a target?

If you have been harmed you must escape this abuse,impending danger.
You must not wait for a better reason or time.

If you are filling a persona, a mold for this Psychopath have you identified the part or role?
Did you have a relationship ever?

Being a victim of sexual deviance would be my first thoughts for your safety.
Emotional,physical abuse,threat an intimidation is present in your situation now.
How are you holding up emotionally?
What do you do to get by and protect yourself?
I think depression,oppression may keep you from seeking safety.
I am very worried for your health and well being.
Is there anything I could do to help?
Please ask.
I am a firm believer the best way to get the last word in... if you must, is with
an apology.
Not because your apology is due to any abuser.
Because your apology can open a door to safety.
Safety is your only real option.

Please make this day your new start.
You are special and you have us here who understand and support your safety choices.
I am ready and willing to help you obtain resources to be safe.
I can only help if you ask.

I feel compassion for you.
I am concerned for you.
I to have been a victim,and a fighter.
I have contemplated,bargained and stood my ground.
I lost.
Now I am thankful to be alive.
I won.

Please take good,safe care.










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#10468 - 12/14/10 10:15 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
loveguetta Offline
member

Registered: 12/07/10
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: MoreCautiousNow
Hi JAM



I commend you on your very well thought out and intelligent post/list. It is well deserving of its own special place for all who visit here to read.



The thought has been broached here about Psychopath's deliberate sadism/hurtfulness of those within his/her realm. I have been contemplating this issue. Another issue I have contemplated is this "energy-draining" phenomena that Psychopath's seem to have on their "victims". (This draining effect is not merely one of "exasperation" or tediousness of dealing with a Psychopath, it's more like the engery is "stolen" somehow.)



I am beginning to wonder if Psychopath's "agitate" certain situations or cause situations just to evoke higher energy levels or more energy that the Psychopath can somehow "feed" from.



You've stated that you have not had direct dealings with a Psychopath, so maybe your experience with the "energy stealing" is limited, however you seem to have some very good insight and was wondering what your thoughts are in this area. ??

And, anyone else out there who has some insight on this, is encouraged to share as well.



Regards,

MCN


Hi Jam,

My mother is actually what I believe to be a female psychopath. She has all the characteristics a male psychopath has, no empathy, vengeful, etc. My mother will PURPOSEFULLY put herself and me in dangerous situations so that she can feed either on my pain when I'm hurt, or to just feel the adrenaline rush of being in a dangerous situation. I don't know if this is the case with all psychopaths, but with my mother it DEFINITELY is.

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#10472 - 12/17/10 08:09 AM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: loveguetta]
twin Offline
member

Registered: 09/05/10
Posts: 74
We also notice that my brother deliberately escalates arguments. He either provokes, provokes, provokes, etc. until he finally elicits a reaction or he absolutely turns a situation around in an almost maddening way. My friend was helping him with something (as a favor to me and our mom) and he started to raise his voice at her. When she looked confused or probably even a little startled his response was "Don't get upset. There is no need to start that tone with me."

You are so right about the energy draining. I find that I am exhausted from dealing with him in a way that I'm not exhausted by anyone else. It is like an emotional hangover. For me it is from the tediousness of dealing with them and from this sense that he is trying to bulldoze me or anyone else who gets in his path. I've written before that he doesn't just violate boundaries which in some ways would be more obvious. He slowly erodes them in the same way that a stream can erode slowly erode the earth.

That is why I can't be around him. I have boundaries with other people. With him, I need walls.

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#10941 - 03/30/11 10:38 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Kath Offline
member

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 1
Howdy,

Here's another newby signing in, no, falling through this doorway emotionally beaten and bruised (but victorious since I finally know WHAT my husband really is. I'm so grateful I found this site. It's not often that I don't have to explain what a psychotic passive/aggressive is. Bear with me as I'm still reeling and in the first stages of grieving my husband's final, dispicable hurrah before I file for divorce after 27 years.

Isn't this just the rub? They can't just leave you for someone else. Nooooo, they have to push you to the edge and then give you enough to believe things will get better. Then they torture you, have multiple affairs, hit your psyche with a 2x4, crush the kid's hearts, twist and manipulate, lie, hide money, have secret phones and girls--and then say they haven't loved you for years even though for years they've insinuated that if only you had been more this or that or done this or that, I wouldn't be leaving you. It's all your fault that I did those awful things because you denied me sex or demanded that I come home more often and actually care about my family.

So here's my Pathological Motivation to add to the list that my Psychopath glorifies himself in: Martyrism & Victimization. Nothing he loves better than to hide behind his buddies and whine about what a b---- I am. Pound one more nail into my crucifix, please, he begs! Oh, yes, right there. See what a mean person my wife is? See how her head is imploding and she's frothing at the mouth with expletitives while I sit here all humble and innocent?

Sound familiar? Since finding this site and after reading, "Why Does He Do That?", I've completely changed my negotiating tactics and language to ones he understands. Silence, avoidance, heavy boundary lines, and locking myself in my room at night until I can file for divorce and sole residence. Since there aren't any bruises, bloody gashes, or broken bones, my lawyer says I can't use his emotional abuse in divorce court, but the judge will factor it in. And since he put 80% of our income in a private account, I don't have money for a lawyer, but I soon will.

But I can have him charged in a separate court with domestic mental abuse which in [location removed] is punishable with up to 60 days in jail, and/or a $500 fine. I agree whole-heartedly with those of you who say getting free from them is better than staying connected and "winning" because no one defeats them in their mind. But I'm weighing it because I know he'll hurt more women, like a rapist who goes free. Still, I need to recover and it's probably not going to make any difference and he'll only get more spiteful and abusive and show off more nails in his cross.

Since the Psychopaths always return our counter-digs 10 times over, I don't tempt fate by dishing it back. But I'll bet he'd stop dead in his tracks for just a split second if I whispered, "I don't know how to break this to you, but Jesus Christ's cross is bigger than yours." Gives me a little grin, but I know he'd hurt me if I said it out loud.

I'm rather snide tonight, but you all know that underneath the bravado are ugly, fresh wounds. I'm looking forward to some needed support and to lend mine to all of you as well.


Edited by Dianne E. (03/31/11 12:02 AM)
Edit Reason: remove location

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#10942 - 03/31/11 12:13 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Kath]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi Kath, welome to our community, I was just signing off and will respond more tomorrow.

I am quite disturbed by this:
Quote:
And since he put 80% of our income in a private account, I don't have money for a lawyer, but I soon will.
I would run like a race horse to figure out how to get to that money. It will be gone before you can blink. I am very serious, focus, focus on that money. He will move it so it will never be found, remember he has to win and what better way than leaving your with nothing.

It is indeed very noble to protect other women, I wish we could protect them all but the numbers are too high and the risk is extremely high. In a different way we all can protect other women by telling your story. We have hundreds of victims who for their own reasons, fear I suspect only read here so your message does indeed help others.

I'll be back tomorrow and if you want to tell more of your story not only for yourself but for others I can move things around and put it on a new thread.

Di
_________________________
We help others by lending an "ear" to listen with compassion in our hearts for all those that cross our Internet door. Validation and support help the healing process and you are safe here.

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#11003 - 04/18/11 06:39 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Kath]
Elvie Offline
member

Registered: 03/25/11
Posts: 17
Originally Posted By: Kath
Howdy,


So here's my Pathological Motivation to add to the list that my Psychopath glorifies himself in: Martyrism & Victimization. Nothing he loves better than to hide behind his buddies and whine about what a b---- I am. Pound one more nail into my crucifix, please, he begs! Oh, yes, right there. See what a mean person my wife is? See how her head is imploding and she's frothing at the mouth with expletitives while I sit here all humble and innocent?

Sound familiar?




Yes! Yes it does. And it so ties in with my own question about psychopaths and Passive-Aggressive PD. I think maybe Martyrdom is just another psychological weapon for these people.

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#12291 - 11/16/11 01:49 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
SonOfaPsychopath Offline
member

Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 29
This is a question that I think I have come to terms with now but which troubled me greatly for a long time. I decided write about it here because it may help others who are trying to figure out what is behind the bizarre behaviour of the Psychopath in their life - what motivates them (at least some of them).

I won’t delve too deeply into my story as I have written about it elsewhere. The question of what motivated my father to con, cheat and manipulate me and others out of enormous amounts of money and to do much worse might seem obvious at first - money, control etc. The problem I had with this simple answer was that he would have been so much better off if he had done things differently. There didn’t seem to be a pattern to the complex mess he has created.

Things began to make sense to me when I started to look at his actions from the perspective of his “delusions of grandeur”. He sees himself as a certain type of person and clings to a fictional history littered with achievements, battles and heroic deeds like his life depends on it. He is motivated by this vision of himself and the desire to make the world and everyone in it sees it like he does.

No doubt different psychopathic individuals have different visions of themselves – perhaps they see themselves as business men or as academics etc. Some women psychopaths seem to have delusions associated with lifestyle and honestly see themselves as the perfect wife and/or mother whilst manipulating, lying and psychologically abusing their nearest and dearest. These delusions aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out how they perceive themselves and how these perceptions differ from reality.

Anyone who dares to question my father’s grandiose visions has to be very careful. When the delusion starts to crack he may do just about anything to re-establish it as a reality in his own mind.

looking at my fathers actions as those of a man desperate to make reality fit his delusions has been a far more powerful tool for understanding why he has done things the way he has then simply saying "he has no empathy, he is manipulative and only cares about himself". These things are of cause true but it's the way he sees himself that motivates him.

Does this ring true to anyone else?

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#12292 - 11/16/11 02:19 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: SonOfaPsychopath]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Absolutely. My father calls/called himself 'God'.

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#12294 - 11/16/11 03:04 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: starry]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
absolutely 100% true.
When the mask cracks, when their ID is scratched, you can literally see their face go into some kind of question-fear-grimase. And within seconds you can read from their faces this incredible power of denial, and afterwards you will feel the greatest force with which they'll crush you. I remember that happening a lot.
When I told my Psychopath that what he was saying was a lie or in a ny way confronted him - he'd go like this for a moment (a moment in which I raised all the hope that he understands, that he gets what Im saying) and then just do anything, literally anything to stop it. I think those were moments where he saw things for what they really were. Not felt like a human but saw how all this is wrong. Because I think Psychopaths believe their own lies.

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#12295 - 11/16/11 05:08 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
They have to try to believe their own lies. Because what is at the core of their soul is just a black pit of hatred and bile and nothing good at all.

Of course, that hatred and bile is really all about themselves, how they feel about themselves. But they direct it outwards and spew it out over other people.

And yet, I think they also know that their lies are just that. They tell them because they just can't bear the truth. They can't bear themselves.

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#12298 - 11/16/11 08:28 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
This part fades for me because I am no longer around ex h but.. I used to remind myself that for a mentally retarded person one wouldn't expect the same things from them as someone that is not.. & in so many ways it is true for the psychopath. BUT what is so different is that they walk a life along side everyone else, so often in leadership or when close then they do their thing, hurt, twist, lie, their sense is non sensical.. & it's a constant. For those that are healthy or working towards a healthy life, this tripping up is crazy but for them it's normal.. as is said here.. & I guess too it just doesn't make any sense how they can go about the world/ doing as they do.. for themselves, in regards to others.. it seemed so crazy.
I so loved ex h too.. & I am very aware at the end of it all that he would not change/ he is grounded in his unstable world. It feels so much like a spiritual battle dealing with them..
Like the darkness /dark forces emerge & Light/Dark are at the surface & one is exposed...
If one could adjust to their ways, for their sakes (the Psychopaths) but they would change the scenes..

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#12300 - 11/16/11 09:14 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: SonOfaPsychopath]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Originally Posted By: SonOfaPsychopath
Anyone who dares to question my father’s grandiose visions has to be very careful. When the delusion starts to crack he may do just about anything to re-establish it as a reality in his own mind.
. . .
Does this ring true to anyone else?


Yes!

Many years before I put together the whole picture, this has bothered me about my mother-in-law (MIL). She grew up in an extremely small rural place, in a shabby little house, with a mother who ran a little roadside diner, and a father who had to travel for his work and was rarely there. Poorly educated because she had a learning disability. Naive and ignorant (and socially clueless -- to this day).

However, she vowed somewhere back there that she was going to be seen as wealthy and powerful, so when she got the chance, she bought the biggest house in her home town. I mean huge. Three families probably could have lived in it comfortably. The house had belonged to the family of her best friend when she was small, and she always wanted it. She once told the story of how her friend's parents were ruined in the Great Depression and lost that house. And somehow in her mind, by buying it some forty years later, she had finally succeeded in taking what her friend had. That's how it sounded.

She hired "servants" and always lamented that she could not find anyone good enough to be a "butler." Way out there on the edge of the wilderness, and she wanted a butler! She and father-in-law were members at a country club, and it just killed me to go with them. It was like Granny Clampett in a silk dress -- absolutely tasteless. But she behaved like the Queen of Sheba, all smiles and charm, and behaving with the assumption that everyone loved her. And I always cringed at the ridiculous hats she wore there.

I have NEVER seen her do any of her own work. Not housework, not paperwork, not shopping, not cooking, nothing. She tells everyone else what to do and how to do it. A real micro-manager. She made a career of that with a large company (we'll call it a utility company). She will hire a whole handful of help who are desperate, and she takes advantage of it by paying them a pittance. Often less than minimum wage. Then she complains about the lousy help. If she would stop and think about it, and spend decent money on one or two good people, she would come out ahead. But no, she has to have lots of help, to make her look wealthy.

It's how she covers her woeful ignorance and lack of love. "The Queen" doesn't have to know anything, right? If you ever catch her not knowing or understanding something, ohh, do you get "the look." But first you'll see the blank "uh-oh" panic look, then she recovers and stammer-stutters to misdirect you away from that. If you persist, you pay.

It's also why she took back a large sum of money that my husband's Dad had loaned him, then given him (explained in other postings). It was a source of money, hey. Looking at it this way, I don't know that it was personal, it's just that we're the ones who had it, and she wanted it. It didn't matter how she got it, or how absolutely crushed and infuriated we were.

Yes. Makes a lot of sense looking at this. Even near her last breath now, and the veneer has completely worn away in some places because she doesn't have the mental stamina to keep up the mask, she is still trying to put it over on everyone. And she has trained her youngest daughter to take over the mantle when she is gone. Pitiful.

blue heron

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#12304 - 11/17/11 04:31 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: blueheron]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Wow, I'm back to say that I read my entry (above) to my husband, and we think we've finally hit the nail on the head.

Anything, ANYTHING to maintain that delusion of grandeur, and it doesn't matter who gets in the way or who accidentally threatens it -- family or not -- they pay dearly.

One of the things that made it click for me was when I said, "'The Queen' doesn't have to know anything..." There it is! Now I need to search my memory for a bit. It would probably take quite a while to write up the pitifully humorous times when she didn't know something and tried so hard to cover it.

Now I am wondering just how much she doesn't know! It may be way worse than I ever guessed.

Thanks for this thread. This has helped me more than anything!

blue heron

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#12307 - 11/18/11 01:02 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: blueheron]
mpath
Unregistered


I am new here, and reading the experiences others have had has been so helpful and healing. I want to say how grateful I am to you all. I'm not comfortable to share my own story as it is in my opinion too bizarre and unsafe to discuss in a public area. But regardless of that, the nuts and bolts of the Psychopath seem to be nearly identical, don't they, no matter what.

It's taken me so long to speak up here. It feels very freeing and empowering, as if a part of me has returned. Thank you for this safe space.

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#12310 - 11/19/11 07:36 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: ]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Welcome mpath.

Blueheron,

For most normal people they want to bond with others but they maintain their own identity, & the, "path," which, mpath's name reminds me of.. the psychopath's path.. is one of self.

They keep directing it back to themselves. THAT is what is so difficult for me to get my head around & once one knows them well it becomes rather the key to removing from their frenzy.

The con fusion to me is that noone has taken my life & turned it upside down with such lies & intent of something completely different. He said all sorts of things/promises for us of which he had to convince me of, it's not other way around that I was working on him in the initial stages.. but his energy commited to GOD & this cause for, "us," & I was concerned of what I was leaving behind & pushing towards but he said, "oh I will take care of you/us & not to worry." The knight, "in shining armor," becomes the dark night.

As I have said, I reaized it was NOT the type of relationship I was used to but such work to get me to bond with him... & not until every shred of my life was changed did he leave & then me in HUGE debt of which even by court order he did not pay on.. so as a disabled person & vulnerable.. to start over at this age is just crazy.. It's been so difficult.

My supposed other half? What is that? I will tell you I would NOT want to be him when it comes to judgement day.

YES, this QUEEN/KING ship of theirs that they HAVE TO draw the attention to self..
it's this elaborated/concocted/confused infant syndrome / the psycho's path..
the babble is beyond what I have heard prior or likely will again..
I think I have recognized the types on occassion & steared far away from them.. even hence there is a gal that reminds me a tad of him, & I ran far from her because I see patterns, substance abuse & the bonding of which they seek to quickly do.. then the put downs begin.. once they entrap.
I do not attest to being perfect & I have my own dreads in life or things that are not easy for me to do..
They walk one up a mountain & the view is immense / then when one is in a relaxed state of being & taking in the fresh air, feeling accomplished by their side, they coyly shove one off the mountain top & watch as they fall.. is how it feels to me.
I think that no matter if he could hurt me again, the infant self/psychopath.. would.
It's about his needs & I am invisible & in the way.. he needs.. he needs .. he needs..
YES, blueherron, they are needy souls but don't have a clue what it is they need because they never grasp their own hole that is their own. IF they could see the gaping vat & do any of the work to stop the wound, it would thus free others/ that do love them & do/did care, to be by their side & not under their feet.

My life PRIOR to ex h Psychopath was one of building, slowly & purposed & most certainly I never had all the answers nor do I still. But it was on solid ground. Ex h's time in my life has not only shaken my life to the core but the foundation it is on.
They cannot steal our soul & I'm not sure what else would be left for him to take frankly.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic but all along & each time he would escape as he would act as if he was inprisoned by reality.. I would say, "why would you want to come back?" He said he would change, he was sorry. It never changed, he would leave disgusted again at my presence.

It makes me mad that I could have married someone else, had another man in my life as I wanted to marry one time & he knew that.. My work & dreams came crashing down, thanks to him.

If he could lash more hurt my way I think he would.. the hole is too big & his to fill..
I wash my hands of it.

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#12328 - 11/21/11 05:05 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: ]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
Hi mpath, welcome to our community.

I don't think you would say anything that would shock us, we always encourage members to change the names and locations. We are a private forum open to anyone who enters our doors but we have security that ensures that our members are safe.

Di

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#12331 - 11/21/11 08:06 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Dianne E.]
mpath
Unregistered


Hi Dianne,

The reason for not discussing my experience publicly is for my own safety. Even changing names and locations wouldn't be sufficient. Apparently one of your members thinks that I am a Psychopath so I will take leave here. I have been through enough, thank you. If you will please unregister me. I wish you all well.

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#12332 - 11/21/11 08:47 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: ]
Dianne E. Online

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2620
Loc: United States
I am sorry that you felt someone had made you think you weren't being treated with respect and validation that any member deserves. I hope you will email me to let me know why and how I can help you. I must have missed what you are reading.

dianne@psychopath-research.com

I will honor your request to remove your registration. I sincerely apologize if you have been harmed I don't think anyone here would do so intentionally.

Di

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#12333 - 11/22/11 04:18 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Anonymous]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: mpath
Hi Dianne,

The reason for not discussing my experience publicly is for my own safety. Even changing names and locations wouldn't be sufficient. Apparently one of your members thinks that I am a Psychopath so I will take leave here. I have been through enough, thank you. If you will please unregister me. I wish you all well.


I think that person might have misunderstood your username, and just seen the 'path' part of it.

It's 'mpath', as in 'empath', as in 'an empathetic person' (as opposed to a psychopath).

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#12343 - 11/23/11 10:18 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Oh, I'm so sorry the empath misunderstood what was said. Because I was going to introduce myself to them; I'm an empath too. (I wonder if autocorrect might have done something to the postings ... I remember trying several times to say s o c i o path, and it always corrected itself to say psychopath. As though there are no other "paths" but psychopaths.)

Dianne, I don't know if you can invite the empath back, but we could try to explain and make them welcome.

There are a lot of things swirling through my mind at the moment about how much more difficult it is dealing with a psychopath when you can actually feel them, see them, read them. But you have to be on top of your game to do it, and they seem to know when you are seeing them. They'll stay away from someone who can slice right through and see their black, empty heart. That is, unless they can mess things up for them first somehow. Create chaos. I think an empath is probably the psychopath's greatest, most fun challenge. Let's see if we can fool the seer and cause them to never want to look inside another person ever again. Let's kill them somehow. Kill their spirit, their trust, their care.

Anyway! I have been off of here for several days, and every day dreading Thanksgiving. Even now I do not know what I will decide to do tomorrow. I may end up going to eat by myself at the cafeteria. I am not sure I want to endure the baloney tomorrow.

1Healing, I loved your most recent post. "I will tell you I would NOT want to be him when it comes to judgement day." Yes, heat up another rotisserie for this one, as my husband would say. (grin) Truly, the scriptures say there is an extra measure of judgment for fake shepherds who dupe God's children.

And this describes a psychopath so eloquently in a nutshell: "They walk one up a mountain & the view is immense / then when one is in a relaxed state of being & taking in the fresh air, feeling accomplished by their side, they coyly shove one off the mountain top & watch as they fall.."

Of course. And as you fall, you hear them say it was your fault somehow, that you caused them to have to do that. That is one I will never understand. (It's never true.)

Well! It is way past my husband's bed time, yet here he comes shuffling out of the bedroom saying he could not go to sleep because the more he thinks about tomorrow's big dinner with the Psychopath step-mother, the angrier he gets. So he got up to do something distracting.

And what I told him surprised me. Thanks to this little group, all the stories, and the great information -- I realized we no longer had to be emotionally running from all of this, didn't have to be on the defensive, thinking "Wah! I can't stand this any more! I can't take it!" No, we can stop running, be proactive, and choose to say, "I don't WANT to subject my emotions to that chaos tomorrow. Why should I? My mental health is too important."

Now that decision can take three forms. (1) We can go to the dinner for a tiny little appearance, and at the very first sign of bull**** (which starts up pretty quick), just smile, wave goodbye to a couple of the nice folks, and quietly disappear, unnoticed in all that stupid chaos. Or (2) we can spread a little chaos of our own about how certain unnamed others in the family have been sworn to secrecy over some unnamed things about "you" (whoever you are), and see how that plays out (nyah hah hah). Or (3) we can fail to show up at all. Hey, there will be repercussions whichever way we choose, so why not do what we like.

Okay, that's all my rambling on this thread for now. I'm going to stop and sit down with my husband and ask him if he can spell out specifically what makes him so angry that he cannot sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
blue heron

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#12345 - 11/23/11 10:51 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: blueheron]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Blueheron.. thank you smile & empath.. yes. I can relate. I am sensitive & accused at times of being overly so.. those that truely know me see the reasonsing for it..
I think to me what SO sets these people apart is how they do destroy & purposed. they are way above LOVE & working out /or on anything..
I still feel very numb to what he did to me, I keep saying I am disabled but my gosh /this piece is what I am up against.. First few yrs were the legal issues I was forced into/divorce, bankruptcy because of this..
I guess in my mind... a normal or non psychopath person would want to work out/ or somehow have good feelings about.. but it seems like they thrive on the hate!
They don't understand an empath because they are devoid of emotions.

It's strange but I am feeling my life is in danger from him..
Yes, it's about judgement day & I feel God Showed me what that was about a yr ago..
he will be dealing with GOD. He can't steal my soul. He got most everything else.
as to love.. why do they bother saying anything... his words were empty.

& I believe in purgatory.. from what I have read there are levels/ some are close to hell...
I guess I am trying very hard to live a life pleasing to God so this has all been very difficult.. I know he could care less.. he does whatever he wants to do & he only says he's Christian but his actions are opposite.. which is where I just have to let go.

Happy thanksgiving..


Edited by 1Healing (11/23/11 10:58 PM)

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#12346 - 11/23/11 11:09 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: blueheron]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Blueheron, I pray things go well tomorrow. Maybe focus on the food.. what about black friday? Can you pick up a paper to read if you do go?
Maybe tell her you are camped out at Best Buy so you can't make it!

LOL
This is all so freakin weird with the Psychopaths.. noone has EVER comeinto my life prior who in turn so hated me (who orig SO wanted to be with me.. till he was then he SO wanted to be away from me.. ON & ON ????????!!!!!!!!).. & I am a NICE PERSON! my gosh.. on occassions if someone upsets me I can't hold onto it too long/ I HAVE To smile & be happy. I think probably I didn't know the person at all/ it was an illusion as others say..
but that's so hard to really grasp. God's In Charge..

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#13649 - 08/01/12 12:14 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: JustAMan]
Lisa Rosenbaum Offline
member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 13


Nature/nurture go hand in hand when it comes to the alien predator. One has to wonder how a mother responds when she has to deal with a baby psychopath. They are probably hard to bond with...aloof and weird. The mother may be responding to the psychopath pushing her away, as much as the other way around. The psycho feels easily smothered and controlled and if there is a strong genetic component...that kind of aggression and wilfulness is hardwired before birth.

The predator who targeted me, was probably born that way. His family was intact and seemed loving enough and quite typical from all accounts. All families are a little dysfunctional. His was no more or less than anybody else I've gotten to know well.

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#13651 - 08/01/12 12:55 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: nonat]
Lisa Rosenbaum Offline
member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 13
Originally Posted By: nonat
I felt the energy drain for years. I started to observe and figured it out. When everyone get settled, the Psychopath is saying, "time to go." when everyone is working on project talks everyone into taking a break. Yes the sadism thing I'm not sure about. Psychopaths certainly do horrible hurtful stuff to people. Stuff which we generally label as 'sadistic'. Whether what actually motivates the Psychopath to do this stuff is sadism or something else is what I'm unsure about.

Psychopaths certainly do horrible hurtful stuff to people. Stuff which we generally label as 'sadistic'. Whether what actually motivates the Psychopath to do this stuff is sadism or something else is what I'm unsure about.
.


What motivates the excruciating forms of sadism is probably the feeling of glee it produces. The glee radiates from a feeling of TOTAL control, even if only momentary. These are people who get emotional payback from predation, deception. I imagine a feeling akin to joy that we experience witnessing a beautiful sunset, they feel watching someone squirm in agony. It may be inappropriate to frame this in spiritual terms, but it is darned tempting, isn't it?

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#13671 - 08/05/12 07:45 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: Lisa Rosenbaum]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
Originally Posted By: Lisa Rosenbaum


Nature/nurture go hand in hand when it comes to the alien predator. One has to wonder how a mother responds when she has to deal with a baby psychopath. They are probably hard to bond with...aloof and weird.


The Psychopath consistently tells me his inability to "be normal" relates to the distance and lack of love from his mother. It is an interesting thought, we are all very influenced by the way our parents interact with us. Sometimes I think that he has developed a lack of caring and inability to love from the distance of his mother. On the other hand, if he was hardwired from birth as a Psychopath, I can imagine that he himself forced his mother to be distant. I can also imagine a scenario where his mother was in fact a normal mother, and everything he says about her is bs and designed for my sympathy. When he is very angry at me he tells me I am just like his mother.

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#13766 - 08/28/12 11:37 PM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: NotCrzy]
LaylaGirl Offline
member

Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 5
Someone had mentioned what are they like as infants? I only know what my ex's mom said about him. She said "He was always pushing me away even as an infant and he cried all the time"

She had her own mental issues too so I have no idea the role she played in all of it.

As far as the sadistic stuff. One thing my ex used to do to me was tickle me, tickle me to the point of sobbing and tears, it was NOT fun, it was overkill, it was a common occurence, he used to say "Guess what time it is!!!!" and I remember begging NO please dont, NO as he came after me. He would pin me down and tickle me beyond it being fun. I would start to get hysterical and start to cry, to the point where I couldnt take a breath in barely. Sometimes Id feel like a crazed animal trying to get him off me and try to hit him. Like fight or flight kicked in as I couldnt stand what he was doing. When I reached that point he was abruptly drop me, this was often done on the bed, and he would stand up, look at me disgusted and say "Your no fun" and walk out of the room. Id lay there sweaty, catching my breath, tears down my face and confused.

He also used to come in and say stuff like "So and so died" and Id look and feel sad right away and say Omgosh what happened? My mind started to go down that path of sorrow and hed say "JUST KIDDING!"

If there was a pool or water anywhere near us, it meant "Throw her in" I watched him do this to his grandfathers elderly girlfriend at a family party and I was mortified. She was a senior and he thought he was so funny.

When he was a youth pastor he used to walk around church to the youth group girls and yank there ponytails or hair clips out of there hair as he walked by, high school girls, I know how important my hair was and looking nice at that age and Id be walking next to him and seeing the girls faces and upset would get to me, I could only apologize.

One sunday he took the baby Jesus doll out of the nativity and walked around the church like he was carrying a real infant and then faked that he tripped throwing the baby, several women went and ran for it mortified. I was not in the room when this happened, but later a mother came up with her daughter, who was young, and said her daughter was so upset by what happened (She thought it was a real baby and didnt get it was a joke) He did this type of stuff often, yes guy laughed, some people found it funny, but it always had a cruel impact on someone, it wasnt silly haha, it caused people emotional distress.

He began to do the tickling to our kids near the end and I got very angry and walked in the room and demanded he stop when our son was asking him to stop(he was 6) He looked so mean and cold and said "Dont you tell me what to do" I said "IM his MOM, he asked for you to STOP" my momma bear instinct and no fear kicked in, I was triggered by what he did to me. I split with him shortly after that, but I know he did a lot of fear things with them, they hated off road driving(as did I, I was flung to the floorboard as he did donuts on a dark road one night, begging him to stop as he laughed. He did this stuff to the kids after we split, and also scared them on jet skis, I wasnt there but he called me saying our kids had no sense of humor and kept telling him to slow down or stop.



Edited by LaylaGirl (08/28/12 11:39 PM)
_________________________
In a relationship and marriage with a psyhopath for about 15 yrs. Out since 2001, have raised two kids with him and the harrassment via the courts and custody and co parenting issues.

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#13767 - 08/29/12 06:41 AM Re: What motivates the psychopath ? [Re: LaylaGirl]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 77
Mine used to do that "did you hear so and so died?" thing to various people. He would come up with a big detailed and so convincing story about how and, when he had got everyone upset, he might say "Just joking".

Other times he let people leave still thinking their friend/relative had died. He didn't do it to people when I was around as he knew I would not have played along.

He tried tickling me a couple of times but my dog nipped him as he (the dog) thought I was being hurt. When I was around he was friendly to my dog. I later learned from friends that once I left the room he would shove the dog away from him.

He would also "play" by hitting me with a pillow but he did it so hard it hurt.It's a bit like a spiteful child, trying to sneakily hurt someone, and then deny that was what they did(and was what they meant to do).


Edited by Smokey (08/29/12 06:44 AM)

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#14743 - 04/08/13 07:05 PM Re: What motivates the Psychopath ? [Re: stunned again]
threetimesstunned Offline
member

Registered: 04/07/13
Posts: 32
Hi stunned again,

I'm new here and decided to post when I read the detail about your Psychopath's reliance on texting as the primary mode of communication. (I am a lesbian, too, and am just getting out of the mind-boggling, brainwashing experience, of "the world according to the Psychopath". thankfully, it has not been a very long experience, though i was not able to dodge the marriage-bullet.)

i'd be very curious to know how you understood this coercion of texting over any other form of communication...

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