Page 9 of 11 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 >
Topic Options
#9248 - 02/12/10 05:11 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: RADgrad]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi RADgrad

I did some searching through my files and found this info.

http://devibathory.tripod.com/thebloodonmyhands/id20.html

Have you come across the XYY theory? I have also looked at testosterone overload prenatally and it seems the correlation has been considered. This might coincide with your thinking, Here are a couple of links.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XYY_syndrome

http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=14850051

This research has observed damage to the hippocampus in animals causes hyperactivity and also amnesia. That raises two interesting theories. Would hyper-vigilance be classed as hyperactivity? Could failure to learn from punishment be a form of amnesia?

Other observations of the kid’s behaviours and actions. These thing went on until he left home in his teens,
Hyper-vigilance, standing behind doors listening in to conversation. Creeping around and hiding in the room so he could listen. Coming downstairs at night to listen in. If we had people round he hung around the adults and wouldn’t go and play like other kids. He didn’t have real friends, anyone who had something would do.
He would run everywhere like toddlers do. He ran stiffly with his arms by his sides and his hands would flap. (Have you seen the comedy of Mr Bean?)
He was incredibly clumsy but I think that may have been lack of care or attention to detail. After he had eaten there would be food everywhere.
He has no hobbies or interests that he spent time on, the only things he ‘played’ with were dolls and figures to ‘kill’. He did paint War Hammer figures but didn’t ever play a game with them with anyone.
He couldn’t play a simple game of Scrabble because he couldn’t take turns, he couldn’t think of words from a group of letters and would get angry because he couldn’t cheat. He tried putting any letters onto the board as if he had no concept of rules.
He collected doll/figures avidly and obsessively but everything was destroyed.
He never conversed, all he would do is ask a series of questions to get attention.
He would interrupt every conversation with nonsense, if we had company he would change the conversation to focus on him.
He had no idea of timescale.
Would dress up in pieces of cloth and dash around outside waving ‘weapons’ at the air like something possessed. Pretend to be killing things. This had to be done in front of us, especially if we had visitors.
Would kill every creature in the garden, he asked if he could bury the neighbours childrens’ pet bird when it died. He was excited and never gave a thought to their grief.
He would make decisions on our behalf, one day he invited the neighbour round for dinner without telling me. He made out I had sent him round to ask.... most embarrassing when she arrived all dressed up. This sort of thing made me wonder what he though,t if anything, of the consequences of what he did. It would be obvious to an idiot what he had done.
Although he could do something terrible and minutes later he would act as though nothing had happened, even asking for a treat or to be taken somewhere so it made me question the timescale issue. Any normal kid would lie low for days or offer to make amends and at the very least apologise.
Other times he arranged his father to act as cab driver to take him to visit his gran who lived a distance away and never consulted him about making this plan. He would tell her he was coming to stay rather than ask.
He asked to stay with other people, even to go on holiday with them.

There are many more things and much more serious but I can only think back on these things so long before it gets me down.

Regards
Jan

Top
#9285 - 02/18/10 05:05 PM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: ]
Sahmera Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/10
Posts: 15
Hi ladies,
I have been busy placing my violent daughter in the hospital then another and another. She comes home worse. She recently was approved for therapeutic day school. She is coming from private school. Of all the nerve for someone to say she does so well in school its only at home she is having problems. The private school didn't understand why I pulled her out she only had a little stealing problem and three demerits for stealing and an adapted day 8-1:30pm otherwise she was great. I explained that it takes a lot of energy to hold in everything from my daughters day and she obviously was stressed throughout the day. She holds issues inside for hours, days, weeks, months, and I have seen it. She will get you back. She felt very comfortable taking her day out on us. One professional said no problems here it must be her home environment. For a professional in special education to imply that it is home life. Another so called specialist offered me a book to read. I was offered a book to read. . . . If I may say how utterly offensive it is to tell me to read this book because obviously if I had a little more understanding or patience maybe I could tolerate the abuse or property destruction with a smile instead of tears. Are they serious? My partner and I are educated and experienced doesn't make daily life any easier. My daughter is currently hospitalized again except this time I got to her before she exploded on me or anyone else. But in the emergency room she wouldn't answer questions or wait in the waiting area with me so we had the pleasure of wasting a security officers time because she was going to run. Poor thing is so damaged and confused. Sincerely I hope they can mix the right cocktail of medications, so far they have been trying for 4 months. My daughter is a very complex girl that is how everyone describes her. It seems as though when we treat the OCD we are left with rage from bipolar and if we treat bi polar we are left with rage from interrupting OCD activities. The latest hospital has discovered already that she imitates others. I explained I had to teach her all of her social skills, she can't read faces to well, another professional asked me if she was retarded because her of her patterned behavior but intellectually she doesn't fit. My daughter is very ignorant on many levels but very charming. I am always surprised at others when they discover her light switch of emotions. I told the last psych doctor she was a rage-aholic. She derives pleasure and power while being angry. We didn't complete RAD therapy because it made her more and more violent or was it the not right medications. No more RAD therapy for us, the therapist kept saying don't confront just be loving and supporting.
I discovered this past weekend that her mother was a sociopath during the adoption it wasn't mentioned just anger management issues. She just got out of prison. The day my daughter ran away this past year her other was getting arrested. The day her mother was sentenced her daughter was being sent to hospital. Her mother is continuing to abuse herself with drugs and prostitution, my daughter picks scabs/draws on herself/etc. I believe one day she will be a cutter. She likes the release or a raging maniac robbing stores. And still I hope for the best. We are applying for a special grant that will assist in paying for residential care. On my daughter maternal side her grandmother had a heroin addiction/mental illness of some kind that is not diagnosed. She is very mean/revengeful/lies/etc. Her grandmother raised my daughter for a few years, from 3-7 years old. My daughter tells me stories of revenge against her grandmother such as rolling feces into balls and placing them into her pillowcase, running away/begging for money, putting various things in her grandmothers bed for her to find. My daughter was punished by various means such as being locked into her room all day, hit,etc. Her grandmother had a pedophile boyfriend for at least a year so everyone knows she was sexually abused by her and "johns" her mother pawned her out for drugs or money. I know when my daughter was very young her mother had a car accident and my daughter was not seat belted in and hit her head on the dash and wasn't checked out by a doctor.
They told me to keep sending her back to the hospital until I gt funding for residential when she becomes aggressive. She has been in hospital five times in three months. I know RAD children like the no attachment hospitals offer. I love my daughter very much and I still have hope, hope for what I don't know. I miss the girl I knew a year ago that I played games with and rode 15-18 miles, swam, and etc. It's been very difficult, I want to salvage whatever I can but part of me struggles when I see the destruction.
Thanks
Sahmera

Top
#9291 - 02/18/10 10:06 PM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: Sahmera]
Sahmera Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/10
Posts: 15
Hi
My daughter called from the new hospital. She has a habit or behavior of turning the light switch on and off to an obsessive and annoying point. She only does this at hospitals but anyway she got very angry and put into a quiet room and proceeded to put a whole in the wall. She was angry with the staff because they had to use force to get her into the quiet room. I have to admit I was glad, it validates the violence we have endured. The night before she told me she said she wasn't coming back to me and because I corrected her on something she stated that's why I don't like you. I continued to tell her that it didn't matter I still loved her and hoped for the best. The last hospital she put her head through a wall and bit a staff. She likes to bite people that is her first reaction or a threat of violence that she will follow through on at a later date. The previous hospitalization she used her bed as a spring board to hit me and my partner then proceeded to bite and scratch us, tear the doors off her closet, kick her bedroom door in, and attempted to bite an officer. We used to put her to the floor until she calmed down. I am so done with that we mainly block and deflect most of it while protecting each other. It took three police officers and a patty wagon to remove her from my home. When her mother was her age she was running away, doing drugs, and placed into the foster system.
We have done everything everyone tells us to do because even though I know this child very well I am at a loss. I called the adoption preservation worker, that was pointless. She had nothing to offer except let me know if from a legal stand point the guardian changes so she can stop the send her funds to the new place. The previous hospital I begged them not to send her back to me but if I didn't take her I would be charged with neglect and she would end up in foster care again. I went with my family to start counseling because I was traumatized over the last rage event. I also decided to rid myself of our youngest foster child that is not diagnosed with RAD but has all the markers. I can not handle two of them. Our caseworker encourages us to work with her and she knows a family that has six girls some have RAD. The third child in our home is three months from going home. He is autistic/schizophrenic tendencies among a variety of other diagnosis. It is his first time to be out of a hospital for 1 year and be so called normal.
Since our boy is going home to his family my daughter has started a new strategy of manipulation by informing me she wants to see her bio mother. She used to get on these kicks while she was in foster care. She doesn't even know her mother, mother/daughter relationship, barely knows her brother. She knows her mother from 1 hour visits that had barely conversation and no I love you's. The mother didn't know how to interact with her. She used to use these same topics to justify or excuse her anger. I know some may be true but I also know from the situations she got herself into that it was a not true. It might sound cold but I know it is manipulation on her part for new angle to branch off. My daughter looks for new ways to work others and me. I informed her she was adopted I don't abide by the same things as foster care. I also noticed she and the foster sister periodically especially when they are stressed or not about the previous foster family, like it was yesterday. The previous foster family which was four years ago for my daughter had sexual activities, abuse, and domestic violence involved in it.
Developmentally my daughter was on target for everything. Her bio mom had an active case of herpes and she had to be born c-section. My daughter was born with a very foul odor is what the doctors notes said. There were no tests completed for drugs but I suspect there were some in her system. I know she was bounced from one acquaint-es of her mothers to the next throughout her first three years. I also noticed her longest stay was at her maternal grandmothers until she went totally off the deep end at a store because her grandmother wouldn't let her keep a penny she found on the ground. She was hospitalized several times with her grandmother. She wasn't hospitalized once with us until this past fall which was eight months after her period started, left her old school, old friends, lost her counselor of five years, and began a new school, new counselor, new friends,etc. She doesn't really have friendships though, she would say everyone she meets is her friend, no boundaries no idea of what it really means. She talks about one friend from two years ago and it is so odd because she has not had any contact with this friend but will sometimes talks about it like they are best buds. We saw this girl and clearly this girl has moved on but my daughter was in dismay when the girl rejected her for her new friends.
She has an old behavior that she came back with her when came from most recent hospitalization. She likes touching things that are shiny, soft, colorful,or whatever. She says I can't help myself I just have to touch it like she is autistic or something. She usually will touch it then when no one is around ruin in it and not take responsibility for it. She took a shower the day before she left. She tried I think to pull off the on/off switch to the shower. It was clearly loose and ready for repair after her shower but she didn't do it when asked about it, didn't know anything about it.
The private school said she kept up her grades even though hospitalized for two months but I informed them that her lack of self-regulation caused her to tear off skin on her lower lip, peel skin away from nails to bleeding, and become violent at home while trying to get caught up with homework. I looked at her grades, they gave her an A when she completed only one assignment the whole semester. They gave her an excuse for us and that was she is still transitioning from being in the hospital so therefore she didn't need to complete her homework.
When we first got our daughter she was a grade and half behind but through private tutoring once a week for one hour she was able to get to grade level in less than a year. We cultured this girl with musicals, plays, dance class, summer camp, and sleep overs.
Anyway, we are safe because she is in a hospital and she is safe from herself.
She was only home for four days before she hit her foster brother so hard to leave finger prints. I noticed that our house seemed so loud. It is so quiet but will soon become peaceful when the youngest leaves next week. It won't be easy because we do love her just can not live with her. She is young and she to has started her period. So I look forward to some sort of peace and quiet for right now.

Top
#9292 - 02/19/10 03:01 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: Sahmera]
Jan
Unregistered


Hello Sahmera

I am going to read through your posts. I do understand what you are going through and it's comforting when you know someone is listening.

I will be back later to reply to you.

Regards
Jan

Top
#9296 - 02/20/10 03:57 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: Sahmera]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Sahmera

As I was reading through your posts I kept thinking that your daughter’s behaviour seems to cover more than one diagnosis and all at the extreme end.

My partner and I had a similar experience with a school psychologist who blamed my partner entirely for his kid’s behaviour. The kid had done the usual, grooming and manipulating a victim. He thought if he told him I was the evil step mother he would have support to get rid of me. He believed that we were neglecting and even being cruel to the kid and too wrapped up in ourselves to attend to any of his needs, including food. This man then had the audacity to tell my partner that his parenting skills were sadly lacking and by spending more time with his son he would be fine.

He either didn’t believe or couldn’t accept what we had tried without success, year after year being focused totally on the kid only for thing to keep deteriorating.
That was worse than the child psychologist saying there was nothing she could do to help this kid but was prepared to see us to support us. She had covered every type of parental style with us and saw there was nothing more we could do or try. It was such an anti climax hearing her ‘verdict’, we could hardly call it a diagnosis as there was nowhere to go from there. We were trapped and had no tools to move forward and make anything better, it was like being isolated from the rest of the world. We had to cope on out own, even the kid’s grandmother agreed with the school psychologist and was determined to work against us to prove her point.

What sort of RAD ‘therapy’ did your daughter have? You mentioned medication when talking about RAD therapy, was she prescribed medication for that particular ‘diagnosis’? What do these therapists think parents do for their children if it’s not love and support them? Every child needs a structured life and parental controls to be and feel secure. By giving real attachment disordered children too much freedom can only make them worse, surely?

Do you know if all the stories your daughter tells you about her grandmother are true?
If her mother had all these issues and drug taking I would think any children she had would be candidates for all sorts of health problems and probably their physical and mental development before they were born. Does you daughter want to see her mother because she can no longer manipulate you so needs to find another victim? That was our experience.
We had the ‘touching’ problem too but I haven’t really though too much about it until you wrote about it. The kid would touch everything on every shelf in shops and supermarkets, things in the house especially in the kitchen and food. I wondered whether it was to be annoying to begin with or if it was a compulsion but as he got older thought it was probably to get ready to steal things and these were practice runs.

We also had the destruction in the house and taps all set our out a steady trickle, lights were switched on all over the house and put back on again after being told to put them off. I don’t know if that was for attention or to annoy us. Negative attention seemed to be more important than positive.

From what you say it seems that your daughter’s behaviour was acceptable until she reached a certain age, is there anything it correlates with?
You also say that you love her but do you mean you loved the child she was, the one you thought you had or the one she is and you have now? I couldn’t even say I liked my partner’s kid let alone love him. I presumed I would warm to him when I got to know him but it was the opposite, I grew to loathe him.
It took me a very long time before I could let myself think that, I felt terrible about myself, I was the adult. Once I gave myself the freedom to acknowledge my true feelings I felt a huge relief. I felt honest.

When the kid went back to his own mother it was wonderful. We realised there was nothing we could do for him, we were worn out protecting everyone else from him but his personality disordered mother would accept a lot more than we could. She lived in an area where his behaviour wouldn’t stand out as much and there was less to steal. He also stood a better chance of being picked up by the police and into the judicial system with the possibility to be diagnosed with something.

There is a saying that if you love someone you can let them go, with me it was the opposite.

If only there had been some sort of recognition of the kid’s problems and appropriate respite care to get us through the years would have been great. This is what is needed but doesn’t seem to be available anywhere I know of.

It’s a waiting game until they leave home or get taken away.

Regards
Jan

Top
#9298 - 02/21/10 01:26 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: ]
Sahmera Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/10
Posts: 15
Definitely a waiting game. . .Right now she is in the hospital and has informed me for the one millionth time she doesn't want to come home, according to her for no reason. I informed her that children like you have no sense of family and I expect you to say that because in your short life you have been trained by foster care system and through family experience if you act a big enough fool they will get tired like the rest of them. She gave me silence after that. I told her I loved her and moved onto a new subject. She did let me know she was trying to get a packet completed so she could come home but quickly corrected herself and said I am not coming home.
She does attempt to find new victims of manipulation, because of her charming ways is easy to find a new one.
Her diagnosis grows on and on. Bi-polar, OCD, impulse disorder, sensory integration, mood disorder NOS, intermittent explosive, I know there are more but I have honestly lost track. Nothing with hallucinations but she did try to con the doctors at the last hospital saying she saw a girl in a little red dress her imaginary friend. First I had heard of anything like that from her so I confronted her and I basically told her to stop it. Amazingly enough I haven't heard word before or after about the red dressed girl.
We started having extreme difficulties after she started private school. More so it began in May with physical aggression against my partner but she was irritable and edgy but manageable. She used to go through periods of stealing but the past year she kept stealing more and more. She didn't limit herself to things at home or school she stole from camp, department stores, etc.
After her old therapist left she got a new one. The new one I fired because she was making our situation worse and not only that she and her counselor colleague were counseling my children together. She didn't want to work on anything with my daughter except play games or take her places. She had her for four months until I said enough was enough. I kept her out of counseling because she was smarter than her last counselor and is very counselor savvy. She knows exactly how and when to say everything.
I took her to a new counselor. This one was older, wiser and a lot more experienced. The counseling was not working due to my daughters lack of motivation and her behavior was getting out of control. She was becoming very angry with confrontations of her behavior. The counselor and every hospitals has told me talk therapy doesn't work with your daughter. It is pointless and I am not even going to waste your time or mine in trying it. I agreed.
My daughters RAD therapy consisted of rubbing lotion on her hands, playing bonding games, giving her a bottle/feeding her/talking to her like a toddler, play games right after school to assist in providing a loving environment in an attempt to provide for those things she had missed as a youngster. The therapist always nagging me, show more enthusiasm blah,blah, blah, do this act this way. She didn't want to hear that my daughter the night before hit me or broke something. It was difficult in therapy to be energetic but I did everything she said at home. She reassured us there would be some regression and not to worry about it. Well, my narcissistic child used it for manipulation. This is where again she spiraled out of control with extreme aggression over simple requests. If I asked her to clear the table or something such as that she took a bull stance literally. I would quietly ask her to take five in her room if she didn't go I ignored her. Usually she would up the anty to smart remarks, threats of violence, etc. Just a vicious cycle of defiance.
The only thing I know that correlates is her getting her period. I asked the last hospital to get her on the pill in attempt to stabilize hormones. They didn't do it and she wasn't home long enough to get to a doctor.
I don't like to take her anywhere anymore because I don't know if she is going to pull some behavior in a store because I wouldn't put it past her. The last time she was home for four days. She asked for this and that and I asked her what are you doing? The survival mode kicked in inside of her and I was so disappointed because to me that means I'm just another nobody in her life that she can use to get things that she will need or wants. Her fuse was so short that if she heard the word "no" she was ready to go ballistic in a matter of seconds. We used more general phrases with everything with her such as not right now/maybe later/you can earn it. She knew this language and that to became a source of frustration for her.
We have tried respite care. My daughter went around the hospital saying we left her at someones house and she didn't know if we were coming back to get her. I was so angry. I had talked with her at great length several times on our plan for the weekend. I told her to call me but knew she wouldn't. I was giving us all a break from her craziness. The respite care worker informed me she didn't want to leave. I found out later why. She was busy on the computer making Myspace/facebook pages. She also contacted three companies one of which sent me a credit card in her name. My only rule when I dropped her off was no cell phone and absolutely no computer. The next day I received three phone calls asking for her from various companies colleges/creditors/etc. I have tried babysitters but due to her manipulation and stealing it doesn't work out to well. When she was in daycare she got kicked out due to stealing from the owner. She couldn't take her book bag or coat into the house. She also was subjected to searches. She learned how to be more clever and use her foster sister's book bag to steal. Everything is a game nothing is for real until she doesn't get something she wants or has a consequence for her poor actions.
I knew my daughter wasn't going to be easy to raise but I had no idea quite frankly I think the doctors/psch docs are a little shocked themselves. She has turned her world upside down. I keep hoping I can get things turned around with medicine but understand they may not. I have a plan if they do not turn around and that is she will move into residential care.
She has always been healthy. The last medication Risperodal she developed a nervous cough. It has since decreased tremendously since the medication has stopped.
When she first came to us she could weave a story like nobody's business. She slowed down and saved it for the school teachers/friends/others that didn't know her. She would pull her hair out when stressed or frustrated but stopped after about six months or less. She quit wetting the bed through late night toilet training. She has always needed this physical release of some sort through hair pulling/wound picking/angry explosions. I kept her busy with other positive activities to teach her other outlets.
Thanks
Sahmera

Top
#9299 - 02/21/10 02:51 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: Sahmera]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Sahmera

What comes across in your posts is the sense of hopelessness, frustration and mental exhaustion from trying to keep ahead of the game.
You obviously don’t believe a word your daughter says about what she wants and doesn’t want through years of experiencing manipulation. Maybe when she tells you she doesn’t want to come then you let her know you don’t want her home either, for her own good she needs to be somewhere she can’t damage her life any further. I don’t suppose telling her you love her makes the slightest difference if she is incapable of understanding what love is. We project our emotions onto others but just because our emotions would be in turmoil in certain situations, these kid’s don’t care, it’s just a way of playing games, controlling others and getting attention.

My partner’s kid said that if his father really loved him he would buy him anything he wanted. That is the logic he applied to an emotion he didn’t have. What a great way to turn that situation round to blame the parent.

Are you satisfied with any of the diagnoses you daughter has been given? It rather does sound as though they have given her every one in the book to cover all eventualities. I get the feeling no-one has a clue what is wrong with her and they certainly don’t have a clue about therapy. I know you are pinning some hopes, maybe even the only hope, on medication but unfortunately there is no medication to mend emotions and conscience.

It’s staggering the ignorance of these therapists, they do more damage than good and who knows what qualifications and experience they have of psychopathy. When I use that word here I mean it in the true sense of the word as an illness of the psyche.
Most RAD therapy is quackery and dangerous, imagine a child with autism being subjected to holding therapy and forced to have eye contact? As diagnoses seem to be random and cover alls in situations like yours it seems like attempts at therapy were because there was nothing else to offer you. True RAD therapy involves the whole family and heavily involves the parents, any therapy that takes the manipulative child on their own is plain crazy. These people will never accept how they have been conned, they apply techniques that come straight out of a text book and expect a positive outcome like an answer to a maths question.

The stealing is always a hard one to deal with, it can be so sneaky that although we know it goes on we can’t always spot it. The stolen items are usually trivial and not taken to fulfil a need but more to deprive someone of something and a test to see what they can get away with, to fool the owner of the item. A control issue.
I remember being followed around a large store by a store detective when we had the kid with us and I let the kid wander off and do his touching everything in the hope that he would take something and get caught. I thought in those circumstances nobody would be upset by losing an item and the store would get it back and the kid would come to the attention of the police.

One thing you mentioned that is surprising is you say she gets stressed. Psychopathy and stress do not go together. Does she really get stressed or would you say she acts stressed?

What is very clear in your posts is that parents with children like your daughter need to have respite care with very experienced carers and a better diagnosis to put the children with the right carers. I did read about one environment for children in care where they moved the children from ‘house’ to ‘house’ within the system so the house parent was constantly changed and the kids didn’t have time to manipulate the other kids and house parents so easily. It appeared to work as the kids didn’t have the ability to attach to anyone had less time to do what they do best.

At present it is just a waiting game until the kids leave home but then we have the concern that they are inflicted on a society that is unprepared for them.

Could you say that there was any one thing or person who has helped you and your daughter?

Regards
Jan

Top
#9321 - 02/23/10 10:10 PM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: ]
Sahmera Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/10
Posts: 15
Hi Jan
What comes across in your posts is the sense of hopelessness, frustration and mental exhaustion from trying to keep ahead of the game.
You are exactly right.
The only support is my partner. The doctors and everyone else has looked to us to provide insight or information or techniques that work or don't work. They have provided minimal suggestions but we have usually tried most everything already and they have told us that. We have tried a lot of things to help her make her life better. We have endured everything using our own expertise. We accommodated, changed our schedules, patient, positive, loving, caring, sensitive to her delicate needs, etc. We have listened to others but they usually come back with she is complex and difficult. They provide me with information such as talk therapy is not going to work and basically if talk therapy doesn't work nothing else will either. The hospitals told me she has no remorse, no empathy, etc. I have been living with her we kind of figured that one out but still try. I thought we were doing a pretty good job of managing her until I started going to the hospitals and doing family sessions and workers there thought it best they offer me there reasons for her behavior. It's my fault. It's my fault because I get into power struggles, she is still struggling with her past, and others informed me I needed to read a book that offers a great explanation for the reasons behind her behavior and once we get that book and read it will be a better parent for her. You know you can't look at these children and adopt them and expect everything will be ok (sarcasm). Can you hear my frustration. I had an intern call me today asking for permission to provide one on one counseling with my daughter. I told him to have at it you need the experience my daughter will be a great one for you. One therapist informed me to be clear on expectations the next one says don't be so confrontational, another says provide structure and clear rules and consequences the next one says ease up. It has recently begun to make me crazy so I know we were very clear on expectations, consequences, rules, positive feedback, etc. We have reward charts, behavior charts, beyond consequences, and the list goes on. My daughter could tell you the same and recite the rules of the house forwards and backwards. Since everything has changed with her the rules are now grounds to dig her heels in for battle so we started walking a way from her. If she wants to fight she can fight herself. It is very predictable in our home. We changed it every so often but prepared everyone for the change at least a month in advance with almost daily reminders to the point they were saying the new rule before it had begun and implemented the new rule before its time because they were ready. I always knew my daughter would be difficult my problem is I thought she would just be different difficult not physically aggressive/property destruction.
During the summer months we provided schooling for our children to provide structure/skill retention. They read for 20 minutes, one worksheet of math, practice writing/or spelling. Practice and review materials. School time lasted approximately 3 hours with breakfast and snack time. The kids enjoyed this and requested it for the next summer and during breaks because it made them feel better. The afternoon they could watch a movie and play otherwise they went out to a store.
I did inform her I didn't want her in my home. The hospital called and asked for help in getting her out of there because she got to comfortable/manipulative. I also informed her as a family we were actually able to go out and have fun because we didn't have to put up with her b.s.
My daughter called and had a list of items she wants me to buy her an ipod, iphone cell phone, nintendo ds, nintendo dsi, and laptop. I started laughing. My girl has a fixation on electronics. She desires everything everyone else has but then will give it all away.
This is why I am hoping medication can take some edge off of her ocd, rage, and impulsivity. The new hospital wanted to put her back on Risperodal I said absolutely not try Seroquel. I suggested it because the last doctor said they would try it if the Risperodal didn't work.
Thanks

Top
#9323 - 02/24/10 06:21 AM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: Sahmera]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Sahmera

As I was going through your post I was nodding my head in total agreement, I could have written most of your post. We didn’t have very much physical aggression or medication apart from to stop the bed wetting (which didn’t work anyway as he wasn’t always doing it in his sleep). We came to accept bed wetting was used to punish us as he was a small squirt who couldn’t be physically aggressive to us.

We went through the same processes as you, we tried every approach to the kid to address every possible problem he may have been having. We tried including him in everything we did, both together as a couple and individually with our own hobbies and interests. We gave praise, encouragement, no telling off only explanations of what behaviour gets rewards, star charts with his rewards of choice. We allowed him to help make the house rules to make things work for all of us so we didn’t have to keep nagging. Although that became an issue when his Gran visited and she saw the ‘list of rules’ on the notice-board sating it was cruelty….they were rules like ‘I must wash and brush my teeth every day’ I must put my bedroom light off at 9pm on school nights’ ‘ I must not tell lies’. The rules were never adhered to and the list got ever longer as he introduced new behaviours. We still had to say each day to do or nor do everything on that list or he would disregard it and when he transgresses he would say we hadn’t told him…that day! As though the rules only existed for the time it took to write them, Like everything he did it was constant and repetitive, no chance of learning. Not only punishment insensitive but also rule insensitive.

We provided him with hobbies and activities, holidays abroad, books, toys, art materials, visiting friends and relatives as well as finding friends for him and inviting them home. We carefully chose the best school that would suit his needs. I even bought him a cuddly hot water bottle to take to bed for comfort. We were aware that a boy of that age might not feel comfortable cuddling us even though we offered and would never reject contact if he initiated it. Not being his mother I didn’t feel it appropriate to make any physical approach to him as he was coming up to adolescence.

When we saw the psychologist she went through all of these things as suggestions to help but each thing she mentioned we had tried to no avail. She was stumped, she had nothing left to offer and even praised our parenting skills! We also told her things we tried that she hadn’t though of so she may well put them in her repertoire of advice for parents in the future. Normal parenting does not work with these kids and creative parenting allows them to dictate their whims. The more sensitive we were the more he abused us and treated us like puppets and fools. The only parenting we found to have a little success was to act like prison guards so nothing got past first base. That was exhausting! The planning ahead alone took so much time that our thoughts were always concentrated on him and his behaviour.

As soon a psychologist tells you there is nothing they can offer with therapy or medication we know what they are referring to. That is the end of the road for them with that ‘patient’. They can move on to the next one and we go home and wonder what happens next, there is nothing on the horizon to give any hope for the future.

As you say, we get blamed….outsiders see us acting like prison guards and that ‘corroborates’ what the kid says about us! He then gets more sympathy. The wicked stepmother, it’s not surprising the kid has problems!
I’d love to know what ‘book’ to read that could tell us how to parent a kid like we have. I want to be the agent of that author….he would make me a fortune!!!!

Power struggles…..oh how I know those….how can we let the kid win any of them or we just get more and more. I do know for a fact we have to keep complete control of every situation The only way not to do this is to choose the battles you will not let go and ignore some of the smaller issues as though you don’t care about those. And never engage in any conversation over these matters.

What outsiders don’t understand is that they have no feelings or introspective emotions and certainly no love or affection. You can spend the entire day not speaking to them and they REALLY don’t care, they are pleased to be left alone.

I had to admit defeat with the kid for the sake of my sanity. I lived under the same roof, as though he didn’t exist, until he finally left. I would cook his meals and put them on the table and let his father call him, he ate alone because he table manners had become so gross it made me feel nauseous. He was greedy so would scoff the food down totally oblivious he was on his own. I used to watch the back of his head and feel guilty at first but as I got to feel he was an alien who had been thrust into our lives I started to look at him as an evil robot. A robot that could not be reprogrammed and therefore I was not going to waste another minute on it. The food was just a bait to calm the beast so I didn’t feel that was a waste of effort.

I don’t see anything changing so I feel I have to keep my experience high profile so someone will listen and maybe find some solutions such as trained respite carers ot research in to gene therapy.

Just remembering what life was like depresses me but at least it is behind me now and I haven’t see the kid for over 3 years but the memories are burned deep in my mind.

Regards
Jan

Top
#9332 - 02/24/10 11:23 PM Re: RAD or Fledgling Psychopaths? [Re: ]
Sahmera Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/10
Posts: 15
Jan
I read a previous post "Other observations of the kid’s behaviors and actions. These thing went on until he left home in his teens,
Hyper-vigilance, standing behind doors listening in to conversation. Creeping around and hiding in the room so he could listen. Coming downstairs at night to listen in. If we had people round he hung around the adults and wouldn’t go and play like other kids." I was more hyper vigilant than she at keeping her in order. She went as far as trying to peek through a door to watch us being intimate. She couldn't sleep because she was interested in our conversation and everyone else s.
I tried the trick of letting her dictate and the aggression worsened, lesson learned. I have to place a cup on her door handle so that way I know when she is getting up in the night to raid the refrigerator or something else. Her latest trick is to try to get our car keys and money. The cup falls on hardwood floors no way to stop it due to the handicap door handle I put on her door. She asked that I stop because it scares her I said no so she urinated all over her floor and ruined it. She constantly smells of urine due to her poor hygiene and need to not miss anything while she is gone.
She is boring to talk to there is nothing up there. So superficial/socially inept. When she eats she moans/groans like an animal never seen anything like it. She shovels it as fast as she can and asks for more. She scrapes the plate clean repeatedly until I tell her to stop.

I am getting ready to complete the grant for residential care. There will be light at the end of the tunnel maybe not right now but there will be.
So tired have to sleep
Thank you

Top
Page 9 of 11 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.