Hello Everyone,

I talked to the P on the phone on Sunday briefly and told him I needed a break for a while. He said he was so sorry and would never physically hurt me or call me names ever again. He said he needed me and depended on me and that we were good friends.

I told him that I just needed a break and not to call me that I would call him sometime when I felt better about this situation. He said it wasn't fair that he could not call me but I said that was the way it had to be for now.

The point is that I said all this to give myself time without him calling me and weakening me because I need time to get even stronger. Today is Wednesday and I haven't heard from him, thank goodness.

Now, I feel so numb about everything right now. It is hard to feel any joy about anything and so tired all the time. Sometimes I feel that I want him to call and other times I am glad he hasn't. I do not plan to call him but I admit that I am worried about the weekend. I hope I can stay strong. I do know that there is nothing but heartache with him and that will never change. When I feel weak a
I think about all those awful names he called me last week and what he did and it sure helps me a lot.

Is all the feelings I am having normal?

Annette

Hello,

I kept busy with my grandchildren for most of the weekend until Saturday night. I called him but there was no answer so I took this as a good sign. About 30 minutes later he called me and asked if I had called because his phone showed a blocked number. I said no it wasn't me.

He talked for a few minutes and then said he was worried about me all week. I said "ya, right". I told him I had to go and he asked if he could call me later. I found myself saying yes. We talked later about work etc and he said he would call the next day.

He called and asked me to go for coffee but I told him to come to my place instead. He did and we just had regular conversation. When he left he invited me for coffee at his house tonight. Again I said yes. I feel very cautious around him now and he is being pleasant with me.

I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to make the break or if this is the life plan set out for me.

I am just so weak when it comes to this person.

I know that I am frustrating all of you and I am so sorry.
Everyone here seems to be on their way "home" except me.
Sometimes I feel guilty for posting and telling everyone that I am still involved.

I am just toooo scared to go through withdrawel right now.
I am sorry.


Annette

Hi Annette, we are all here to support you. Please do not feel sorry about telling us where you are in your relationship. Every person has their own time to do things and it isn't something that we can measure except within ourselves.

Sometimes just talking about the situation no matter at what stage can help to "see" things more clearly. This is about helping you, without any judgement.

It does sound like he has moved back to the "honeymoon" stage. Please be safe.

Di

Dianne,

Thankyou very much for your reply. You, have been here with me on this site longer than the ones who are posting now and should be very impatient by now. I do appreciate your kindness and caring and words of comfort.

I know what I have to do. I don't understand why I am so weak but it doesn't mean that I give up on trying. I am sure some of the problem lies in my own self-thoughts about myself otherwise I wouldn't have been with him in the first place. A lot of women wouldn't have given him a second thought. I am not strong like that and have never been. I was a "yes" woman in my marriage and have always been a "caretaker". I watched my mom take care of my father all her life as he had several nervous breakdowns and then my husband was always depressed and after that our son was born developmentally handicapped. I stepped in and became the "foothold" for my parents taking care of Mom till she passed away last year and now regularly visiting Dad in the nursing home and making sure he is well taken care of. My husband gave away all rights of our kids to me and doesn't bother with them to much anymore. I am the sole guardian of my handicapped son and I am the only one who brings him home for visits regularly and his sole healthcare guardian. He seizures quite often and has more health concerns and it is all in my hands. My other two boys who are grown with their own children are also close to me only and don't bother a lot with their Dad because he doesn't bother with them. I am so thankful for my wonderful kids.

Just a little history as to why I think I became so attached to a person who "needs me" or "needs sympathy" would be a better decription. I guess I don't know any other kind of person and it feels so familiar to me. Almost like home mentally I guess.

So I guess I have to work hard on me don't I.

((((Annette))))

Hi Annette, things sound like they have been very tough for you in this lifetime. You must be incredibly strong to have survived this life with so many obstacles. From what I read about victims, it appears to me that the reason they can get hooked by a Psychopath is because of being extremely kind and caring. It is hard to believe that the same kindess won't be returned, particularly when you see this person with his mask on. The catch is the mask will only stay on for so long and then the cycle of abuse continues.

I think you are making a very astute observation about working on yourself. You deserve true happiness. It is great that you have children and grandchildren since it sounds like they have grown up well and you are proud of them. Try to be proud of yourself for a job well done.

Since you have survived all of this, my guess is you are on the road to thinking about yourself and putting your needs first. I have never heard of a "recovered" Psychopath.

Life doesn't come with any instructions or time charts, only we can figure out what to do next. I always think of that movie "Baby Steps" with Bill Murray.

I value you sharing your history. If you weren't such a caring person getting rid of this guy would be a snap. One thing that might work is when he is in his "nice" mode, try to visualize the horrible times. Because he is alone certainly isn't your fault or problem.

Writing is like a journal and gives us a better look into our feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.

Di

Annette,

Sounds like you have part of the problem figured out. I agree with Dianne. If it is you that you believe you need to work on, then you should take the time out to do it. And part of the problem is you can't do it with the P in your life.

Many children of alcoholics end up with an alcoholic spouse for the same reason you stated, "it feels like home". They are used to it. So used to it that it "feels normal". An abnormal state has become normal to them.

You are a very nurturing person and you probably have a personality that thrives on nurturing others. However, a P is not going to get better with nurturing.

You also say you're afraid of the withdrawal right now. That's understandable. So were many others here, but they realized that it was a bitter pill to swallow, and in order to "get better" it was what had to be done. If there was another "easier" way, I'm sure someone here would have made it known. You've read many of the posts here. People aren't frustrated with you, but there's only one way out. No one here can open the door for you and walk thru it for you. You have to do that on your own. Everyone here knows the pain of going thru all of this and they understand how agonizing it is.

You do have the inner strength! Look at all those you've cared for and all you've been thru. A weak person could not have done all that.

We're all hoping that you will see yourself thru this!!

MCN