Hello Everyone,

I haven't posted on this site for a long time. Some of you might remember me as Blondie but I have changed my name because I forgot my password from many months ago.

Anyway, I am still with my P. I have no excuses except that I am not strong enough to leave. It's been three and one half years now for the second time around. The problem is that he is burning out and has no one but me now. And when I try to leave he panics desperately. I am all he has and I still have feelings for him but not like they used to be. He does try more than he used to but he is what he is and can only make that effort for a while then he goes back to the real person. He admits that he doesn't understand the emotions that I express but he says I am all he's got and doesn't want to lose me. We have never lived together and I would'nt even consider it. I am a lot stronger than I used to be and I leave his house if he starts being miserable or mean to me. But I go back the next day or the next week. I was told on this site that leaving a P is a process and those are the truest words I have ever heard. I will get there some day. I hope it is soon because sometimes I get so exausted trying to cope with this man and then I just have to sleep because I am so tired all the time.

My story is Psychopath In The Workplace or something like that if anyone wants to know more about me and my P.

Hello,

My story is under Almost Impossible To Get Away. Sorry, It's been so long I forgot.

Hi Blondie, it sounds like you are making some steps since you are ready to keep discussing leaving your P. It sounds like you are exhausted. It must be very difficult since it seems like he has a good "bag of tricks" to keep you in the situation. Keep in mind that he doesn't have anyone else because of him and there is nothing you can do to fix him. Please be careful. I hope by expressing your feelings here you can find the resolve to leave for good. You deserve the best.

Here is a link to your old thread:
Almost Impossible to get away

Di

P.S. if anyone forgets their password all you have to do is select "login" at the top and enter your name and select "forgot password" and the system will send you a new one.

Hi Annette

I read the link that Di gave. There were some really great discussions going on in those days weren't there. It would have been great to have been part of it. I wonder what happened to kris as I had contact with her on another board and was concerned that she said she was suicidal.

I agree that leaving is a process but if it goes on too long then I think that it means help is needed. And it is great that you have come back on here as this is a good place to find help. I must say that the fact that you have not lived with p yet still find it hard to get on with your life and find someone who gives back as much as they take from a relationship, something that puzzles me. I am not blaming you or anything just would like to understand the why's of your situation a little better. I understand your feeling sorry for him but don't you feel more sorry for yourself? Hope you are not offended by my questions. I have found it hard to stop contact with p too.

Hi Annette.

I'm going to be REAL with you. Getting away from a P is best analogized by looking at the situation of a herion/drug addict. The withdrawal pains are intense and horrendous!! It ain't no pretty picture. And in order to be rid of the addiction, there is no "easy" way out. No taking a "little" bit of the drug and weening your way out of it. Same goes for getting the psychopath out of your life. You need to make a clean break. If you want to remain a "whole" person, if you care about yourself and your family, you need to GET AWAY from the P. So easy to say and yet so difficult to do. I'm telling you now, it won't be easy and you will be miserable for a period of time, but you will be glad later down the road that you did it.

Unfortunately, at this time, NO ONE can help a P. We don't have the technology yet to do this. Your love and caring won't help him either. Psychopaths prove that Love DOES NOT conquer all. The best you can do is to help YOURSELF!! You do have the strength and courage to do it!! Believe me, it is in your capacity to do this.

Hang in there!!! A big hug!

MCN

I will answer some of your questions, although I admit that I am a little surprised that it is hard to understand "the hook" if I haven't lived with him. I didn't think that had to be a prerequisit before "the hook". Anyway, whether right or wrong I have been hooked. I have worked with him for the last 15 years and I guess there is a soft spot in me towards people with problems and he sure looked for sympathy all the time. You see, most of the P's I have read about here seem to be more outgoing and have a lot of contact with people or at least associate with them in some way. Mine doesn't. Has no friends and doesn't assciate with any co-workers. Has breaks by himself and lunch also. Only mingles with a few select ones that he has to during working hours and if the discussions are not concerning work then they are concerning how bad his life is and how people has done such horrible things to him. Well, most people avoid him because they can't stand listening to his complaints. But when you get someone with my dispostion who has this need to help the "sad" ones, then I gues you have the perfect match. When I go there, I tell myself that this time, I will not jump to the rescue, but His way is to look so helpless that I automatically jump in to help him feel better, no matter what self talk I have done before I get there.

I am not really looking for answers here because I know what is going on with him and I know that I need to walk.
Maybe you all think that weening away is not the answer and maybe it isn't but what I do know is that my feelings are definitely dying for him and in my case I know that I am getting sick and tired of him. He is starting to really turn me off. The problem I used to have is that when I tried to leave he would become this wonderful person again but each time that wonderful person would last less and less.

I am not saying that my way is the answer, all I am saying is that for me it has been the answer. I am not terrified to be without him anymore. I feel like a better person than he is now, which is not the way it was suppose to work for him. I feel sorry that his life is so bad but not enough to worry about it anymore. When I am not with him through the week, I feel just fine and enjoy my week without the longing for him I used to have. I have started to realise slowly that maybe it is a fear of being alone that takes me back there, more than a need to see him. I know that sometimes as soon as I get there I want to go back home right away and sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at him and think "what a loser". I don't take any crap from him at all anymore. I don't hesitate to say what's on my mind now and if he doesn't like it which he doesn't, I tell him that's who I am and I will not change myself for him or anyone.

But the problem is, he is burning out and has no-one else I guess and that makes me feel bad sometimes. I know it shouldn't and I don't doubt myself for a minute that some day soon it won't anymore.

Right now I am still doing a lot of self growth and working on my own feelings and fears to make that final break.

Hugs to all of you!

P.S. The last time I saw my therapist I told him that I now realise I have wasted five years of my life. He said "It's better than wasting ten."
When it's all over, I refuse to live with regrets, cause he sure has made me a stronger person now.

Hi Annette

Pleaase forgive me, I was not passing any judgement on you. Of course we get hooked before we live with them. I think it is good that you did not get dragged into that because I think it is so much harder to detach from them if you have shared day to day living experiences and become so dependent that you doubt whether you can manage to live alone again. But there again maybe I am wrong and perhaps it is harder? I was just wanting to understand. I don't think that we can really get to know someone unless we cohabit, and see them at their worst. In the end, it's the little things that drive us mad, in a normal relationship that is. I mean, he must still present his best side to you and be able to because you are not there all of the time with him. Or am I on the wrong track? Just trying to understand.

That sympathy card is so powerful though and I still feel the pull of it. I have written out a list of the strongest traits of psychopathy that he has and regularly look at it in order to keep things at bay as I still am forced into having some contact with him over practical details and I know that it is dangerous for me but my sons are still with him and my mothers instinct is stronger than self preservation, though I am managing to strengthen the self preservation bit at the same time, learn how to to give them emiotional support in this situation. It has been a hard struggle to get the balance. I have made some foolish mistakes by not recognising the times when I am more vulnerable to get sucked back by him, and to refuse to get drawn in to a conversation about anything other than practical matters. The only way I have managed this is through finding support to give me the strength I lacked. Seeing a Psychologist and hearing him say that H would never change certainly helped me. I know in my head that he will not but that does not stop my longing that he will. I juast have to control that longing. I also know that I will not get any answers from him but that does not stop the need for answers. But I am learning to live with that. I have been seeing recently that I have much more control over these things than I thought and the negative mind set I slip into and it's been all about personal growth. I see two counsellors a week, dealing with different areas with each of them, and I am doing a basic counselling course at my local college which is about self realisation, and I am doing a pre-degree course which is about finding ourselves and am reading a board about Post Traumatic Sress Disorder. All of these things are helping me recover from not just my relationship with p (if you can call it a relationship) but from the time previous and the traumas in my life which made me susceptible to tolerating an unhealthy relationship and the reason why I could not identify my own needs and make sure I had them met in a relationship, in order not to waste time, which is precious, in my life. One thing that was so helpful for me as part of the course I am doing, was to draw a 'Lifeline' showing significant points in my life, as a chart, for the past, then to do one for the future and what I would like my future to be, and to work out approximately how much time I can reasonably expect to have left in my life. This was a real eye opener. My thinking is now centred on doing in the present, what will lead me to achieve what I want in the future, a new thing for me. I always lived my life as a responder to what others wanted.

I do not contact p unless vital, and once the divorce is through (a few weeks time) and the house is sold, I will then detach further, but thank goodness the emotional detachment is about complete, so long as I recognise my vulnerable times and remember to contact the support network I have built that will give me the strength and resolve I need at those times. Having just come through a bad time recently, due to allowing myself being roped into taking my 13 year old stroppy grand-daughter on holiday, which I was absolutely not up to, and which has thrown me off balance again, I see absolutely the need to have this support network in place.

Previous to this, when I was still in contact with him and talking to him, I was still in the *addiction* phase, which someone has already mentioned. There could not be a process then, just an up and down time, with gratitude for the plateaus and hope being revived that things would change, and that he was on the point of a 'breakthrough'. Even though my head said no my heart said yes it was possible. And so the cycle would continue with me becoming increasingly sick and tired of him and wishing I was a million miles away from him. I would have thought that when the leaving came, it would have been easy due to my increasing dislike for him but in fact it did not and the bond was perhaps even stronger because of these feelings? I do not understand. What I do know is that it was not until after I broke that bond that I saw just how he had manipulated me in making me feel sorry for him and I had been sucked into his mindset to see things as he did ie that the world was against him and had never given him a chance and he had tried his best but it was a big bad world out there. I am shocked at how it had affected my own thinking, and how I had changed my world view. I now am back to my positive self and see life as wonderful, full of amazing possibilities even for those who are sick, and poor and without many things that we feel necessary due to being brainwashed by our materialistic cultures.

Life is too wonderful to waste time on losers. They have made their choice and it has to be respected. But there are some lovely people out there with whom we can have wonderful happy creative relationships, but to be dragged down to the ground, by those who will not change, is to do a great dis-service to ourselves, and it is to ourselves that we have our first duty to love and cherish. Sorry if I have rambled too much!

Mati

Mati,

It's okay, I am just so touchy about everything this week. You see, I am with him all weekend long and sometimes through the week if he lets me. I have seen the real him many, many times. Like the time when he threw me into the kitchen table or when he held a knife to me and told me he wanted to cut my guts out or when he tried to choke me on various occasions or held his fist to my jaw and said he wanted to kill me. Of course he doesn't remember any of it and told me I was crazy. But for some reason he never had me scared. I told him to go ahead every time and I would have the police there asap. He always stopped right away.

Last Sunday, after spending the weekend again, which we had a great time together all day Sunday, I headed home. That night on my way home from visiting my grandchildren, I stopped at Tim Hortons for a coffee. I decided to sit in the parking lot and enjoy my coffee. I was really missing him for some reason. All of a sudden I saw him drive by and go through the coffee shop across the street. I wanted to go and see him so bad but chose not to. When I got home I phoned him with some information that he asked me to look up for him. I told him that I saw him getting coffee. His reply was "I am so proud of you that you didn't come over to me." Well, I felt like I had been slapped across the face. I started to cry on the phone. He said he was sorry that he didn't mean it that way. He meant that he was proud that I was getting stronger and could control myself from running over to him. Still..... that's sick for any kind of relationship or friendship or whatever we have. It played on my mind all week. I couldn't get past that remark.

I thought and thought all week and phoned him last night. He had just gotten home from going out to supper with his mother. I asked him how come he could go out for supper when I am always told he is too tired to see me or talk to me on the phone during the week and he tells me not to bother him through the week now. I told him I wouldn't be coming up on the weekend and that it was over. He said I am crazy and shouldn't be jealous over his mother. I told him I wasn't and that was not the point I was trying to make. He kept insisting I was jealous and called me a few names. I told him I wanted to find a nice man who would treat me properly and that he should look for someone else too. First he told me that he was a very good man and that a lot of woman want to go out with him and then he asked me to introduce him to someone. I said to find his own person because I certainly intended to find mine.

Then the story changed and he kept asking me what I wanted him to do that would make me happy. I was just hating him so much then and I said to leave me alone and let me move on and I would be happy. He kept on talking and so I just hung up.

Now.... today.

I know in my head that I have done the right thing. But I feel so sad.I wanted him to call me and he didn't. I tell myself that it is good that he hasn't but my heart is crying differently. What you said is soooo true. The longing for him to change is burning in my heart even though my head knows it will never happen. I to, want answers so bad. I hope I can rest without them because I know I will never get them either.

I don't know if I can do this right now and walk away. I want to so much and I will pray that I can be strong enough. Right now it is killing me.

Annette

When it's all over, I refuse to live with regrets, cause he sure has made me a stronger person now.


Thank you for saying that Annette. I am new here, didnt know about this but it all fits now. This is what i did. Lived with him for three years. But even when I knew it wouldnt work, without even knowing he was a P, at the time, I had to wait. I had to be sure. And altho it IS like a heroin addiction [as i imagine it to be] it is right. It hurts tho. And mine is also anti-social, with no friends around here. I am the only person he has ever really connected with. I feel so bad for him really. But although i waited, i wasn't being abused as you have [in the past?] I might have stayed even longer then it's so hard to break that cycle.

Point is i understand you have to do it when it's right for you. Just don't wait too long. Please. the exhuastion is real... I feel some relief now not to always be worried about him.

You can do it Annette... you can do it. But if he refuses to accept your breaking up with him, would not some distance in proximity be best? It's the only way i've been able to breakup with my P. If he lived close he'd never leave me alone, it would be like we weren't split at all. Of course you have a life of your own there, but well just worried for you. Please do not take offense, i'm on your side

Hi Annette

If you feel you are still unable to make the break, you can still do something for yourself. Maybe if you understand the dynamics of trauma bonding, which I have just been learning about this week it might help to make you stronger. I am finding more answers as I go along and after reading two books this week (including Why Does He do That? Lundy Bancroft) I am starting to think that yes I will get plenty of answers as time goes on BUT NOT FROM HIM! But please, you are in danger. There is a new life out there for you. You do not deserve this.

((((Annette))))

Hi Mati, thanks for the book info. I will add it to the Resource section. Here are a couple of places that it can be purchased at a good price:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Bancroft, Lundy

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men--and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abus...

Compare book prices

This site is another good place to search for deals on books:
half.com

Mati and Adrienne,

I don't know where to start. First of all, I live 30 miles away from him. We know longer work together as he is at a different site now but in the same company. Now he works in the city I live in and I work out of town. I have so much going on in my head that I can't seem to sort anything out.

I am stronger in the way that I don't take much anymore but I guess the fact that I do keep going back doesn't really make me seem so strong after all. I keep telling him that I am leaving but then I go back or phone. I am sure he doesn't beleive me anymore.

He sure threw me for a loop tonight though. I told him last night that I was done with him. He got mad and said that I was making him sick and he couldn't take it anymore. He said he has tried to teach me the proper way to act and think but I am too emotional and too sensitive and that I have to change. Anyway, I was talking to him tonight because I wanted to meet him on Friday after work to give him the twenty dollars that I owed him. Well, he was mad and told me to leave him alone and move on. He said not to call him anymore. He is sick of me and realizes that I will never change and be what he wants me to be.

Well, I can't begin to tell you how I felt inside. It was just sheer panic! He has never tried to leave before. I started to cry uncontrollably. Couldn't stop, then he went soft voiced and told me he doesn't want me to be upset and he will meet me and to calm down and try to have a good evening and he will see me on Friday.

I think I am finally going nuts. My gut says that he was not really leaving but was just trying to scare me into changing and getting his power back. Or maybe he is leaving. What do you think? Was this just a manipulation tactic? Do they get sick of you?

What is this horrible fear that I have all about? Is this what the withdrawal is all about and how long does it lasts?

How the heck does someone get through this kind of fear and pain? It's horrible. Yet, I don't have it in me to be the way I used to be. I can't let him treat me bad and take it anymore. Something inside me has changed and I can't stop the change even if I wanted to. I feel so messed up inside.

Please help me understand all of this.

I have ordered the book "Why Does He Do That"

((((Annette))))

Hi Annette

The second book I bought is called "The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick J. Carnes, and it has exercises to learn the skills needed to break free. Through this book, I saw that I had a truama/betrayal bond with an uncle who molested me around the ages of 6 and 7, and added to an 'abandonemnt' by my parents when I was seriously ill in hospital for six weeks at about 9 months old at a time when no-one understood that this would cause emotional harm, all of which set me up for compulsive behaviour like rescuing and self reliance and made me a sitting duck for a personality disordered man. The road to recovery involves developing healthy relationships to support one during the recovery. I am doing this in a support group and in counselling. Apart from this I am on my own as I saw that I needed to have very limited contact with my highly disfunctional family. I have learnt how to handle p now and have become strong enough to keep telephone down to practical matters and have totally refused to be dragged into anything else.I am protecting myself from harm now.

It sounds like yours is just trying to inflict as much pain as he can on you. Yes they do drop people just like that as my h did. Better for you if he does.

((((Annette))))))

About Last Night

I went and met the jerk last night to return his money. Once again he was so nice and invited me up for a pizza. He said he just wanted to talk and sort this out. So like a ******stupid***** which he calls me sometimes, I went. He's right about me, I am stupid. He told me after we ate that he wants me to move on and find someone else and he wants to do the same because he would like to get married. (You don't know how many hundreds of times he has told me he doesn't want to get married. He has never been married and he's 48 years old.) I was devasted. We argued and he called me a lot of things and told me I was ****stupid all night. Well, I am ashamed to say that I threw a plastic ashtray at his back. I have never done anything like this before. I don't know what happened to me. But next things I know my arms were twisted behind my back and he wouldn't let me leave. Every time I tried he stood in front of me and pushed me backwards and challenged me to fight him. I just stood still. Then, all of a sudden he was so sorry and the apologies kept coming and I was sobbing. He said he wouldn't act like that if I would change. I let him think that I would change and be friendly and forgive him. I left promising to call him tonight as he wants me to come up again. Well.......I would rather call Satan. I am not calling and not going. I want out of this addiction!

Please help me. Now he says he doesn't want anyone else and that he needs me.

Stupid Annette

Annette,

1. Go back and read your last post.

2. Print it and keep reading it.

3. Read "Without Conscience"

4. Read your own post again

5. Ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this.

6. If you stay with this person, you stand a good chance of being physically hurt and/or maimed.

7. If you stay with this person you will be on an emotional roller coaster.

8. Go back and read your last post.

Many choices we have to make in life are not easy, comfortable or pleasant. For your own sake, GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. No one here can do that for you, you must do it yourself. Many others here have done it and they will tell you it was not easy, in fact it was quite painful for awhile. But all of them will tell you they are glad they did it. They lived to tell their tale and to educate others of the DANGERS and heartbreak of being involved with a psychopath.

MCN

Annette. You are not that stupid. You've got it figured out. You know what the result will be if you carry on with this guy as youve just described it. ok. Are you looking forward to that for the next say, six months to twenty years?

Obviously not

The problem though is the same as that of a heroin addict. Unfortunately for you its worse as there is no equivalent to methadone to make your withdrawal easier.

Its up to you. Total cold turkey is the only answer. And I do mean 'total' Many of us know where 'just one last fix' or ' just one last cigarrette' leads to. You are in exactly the same situation and youve just described what happens. You're feeding a stress and emotional addiction every time you let that happen. If you can afford to, find a therapist with experience in dealing with the partners of individuals with personality disorders. Diversionary activity can help. Fill your life with friends , family and activities. Do not allow yourself time to obsess. If thats a real problem investigate 'Thought stopping' techniques or find a therapist who can teach you them. Plan your time out. Lots of exercise is good.

good luck. Stay in touch.

Just wanted to let you know that I did not go up last night or call him. He called twice but I didn't answer the phone.
I do have a question though. I do not want to have any guilt feelings over this because they weaken me so my question is this. In the last week we have had a couple of arguements. The first being that he said he was proud of me that I didn't go over to him at the coffee shop as I explained earlier. The second being that last week I was sent over to his building to work for one day. I was outside on break and he came out and looked up at me and then walked right past me while looking down at the sidewalk. I didn't say anything as I was sitting with co-workers and he doesn't want anyone to know we are together. So like a fool, I went to his house that night and confronted him about ignoring me. I told him he could have said hi to me at least. He swore up and down that he didn't see me and got very angry. My friend said that he did it on purpose because he knew I would react. Anyway, he says he didn't see me and I need to calm down. I don't get it, he looked right at me.
The point I am trying to make it that he said those quarrels have made him upset all week and that is why he behaved that way Friday night.

I just don't want to feel that I caused this and my gut feelings is that I didn't but I guess I need an opinion just to be sure. I don't want to feel that I am the cause of this. But if you think that is possible please be honest with me.

By the way, for some reason, so far, I don't miss him at all. I had a good time shopping with my girlfriend last night.

(((Annette)))

Annette:

I just don't want to feel that I caused this and my gut feelings is that I didn't but I guess I need an opinion just to be sure. I don't want to feel that I am the cause of this. But if you think that is possible please be honest with me.
___________________________________________________________

Annette, GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING! This feeling, your inner voice, your intuition, your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Your subconscious has been paying attention even if your conscious self has not. It happens to all of us. We saw red flags, but kept going anyway until those red flags became impossible to ignore.

The situation you describe with your "friend" looking at you and walking past you and ignoring you, then claiming he didn't see you: what does that tell you?? He denys something you know to be true. THEN, when you confronted him about he got upset and began a circular reasoning "establishing" that it was your behavior that upset him and made him act badly and therefore it is YOUR fault. He's messin' with your head. Also not very mature thinking.

Justaman is correct. If you get yourself involved with other activities it will make things easier for you. Other people here have also mentioned that they sought professional help and read books that assist victims that teach them techniques in avoiding pitfalls of "co-dependent" type thinking. All things you may want to look into for yourself.

MCN

Annette,

Trying to get a P to take responsibility for his own behaviour is like trying to nail jello to a wall - you can plead, cajole, explain, reason (and drive yourself nuts in the process) but it's not going to happen - not for real anyway. He chose his own behaviour - to a large extent, we all do.

You're at a particularly difficult stage of the relationship where you're faced with wrenching choices - most the posters on this board have been there (either directly or know through friends) and can relate.

I hope you get to that point where you decide to just cut your losses for good. It's not easy by any stretch, but it's certainly worth it.

Take care,
Sylvie

Hello Everyone,

I talked to the P on the phone on Sunday briefly and told him I needed a break for a while. He said he was so sorry and would never physically hurt me or call me names ever again. He said he needed me and depended on me and that we were good friends.

I told him that I just needed a break and not to call me that I would call him sometime when I felt better about this situation. He said it wasn't fair that he could not call me but I said that was the way it had to be for now.

The point is that I said all this to give myself time without him calling me and weakening me because I need time to get even stronger. Today is Wednesday and I haven't heard from him, thank goodness.

Now, I feel so numb about everything right now. It is hard to feel any joy about anything and so tired all the time. Sometimes I feel that I want him to call and other times I am glad he hasn't. I do not plan to call him but I admit that I am worried about the weekend. I hope I can stay strong. I do know that there is nothing but heartache with him and that will never change. When I feel weak a
I think about all those awful names he called me last week and what he did and it sure helps me a lot.

Is all the feelings I am having normal?

Annette

Hello,

I kept busy with my grandchildren for most of the weekend until Saturday night. I called him but there was no answer so I took this as a good sign. About 30 minutes later he called me and asked if I had called because his phone showed a blocked number. I said no it wasn't me.

He talked for a few minutes and then said he was worried about me all week. I said "ya, right". I told him I had to go and he asked if he could call me later. I found myself saying yes. We talked later about work etc and he said he would call the next day.

He called and asked me to go for coffee but I told him to come to my place instead. He did and we just had regular conversation. When he left he invited me for coffee at his house tonight. Again I said yes. I feel very cautious around him now and he is being pleasant with me.

I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to make the break or if this is the life plan set out for me.

I am just so weak when it comes to this person.

I know that I am frustrating all of you and I am so sorry.
Everyone here seems to be on their way "home" except me.
Sometimes I feel guilty for posting and telling everyone that I am still involved.

I am just toooo scared to go through withdrawel right now.
I am sorry.


Annette

Hi Annette, we are all here to support you. Please do not feel sorry about telling us where you are in your relationship. Every person has their own time to do things and it isn't something that we can measure except within ourselves.

Sometimes just talking about the situation no matter at what stage can help to "see" things more clearly. This is about helping you, without any judgement.

It does sound like he has moved back to the "honeymoon" stage. Please be safe.

Di

Dianne,

Thankyou very much for your reply. You, have been here with me on this site longer than the ones who are posting now and should be very impatient by now. I do appreciate your kindness and caring and words of comfort.

I know what I have to do. I don't understand why I am so weak but it doesn't mean that I give up on trying. I am sure some of the problem lies in my own self-thoughts about myself otherwise I wouldn't have been with him in the first place. A lot of women wouldn't have given him a second thought. I am not strong like that and have never been. I was a "yes" woman in my marriage and have always been a "caretaker". I watched my mom take care of my father all her life as he had several nervous breakdowns and then my husband was always depressed and after that our son was born developmentally handicapped. I stepped in and became the "foothold" for my parents taking care of Mom till she passed away last year and now regularly visiting Dad in the nursing home and making sure he is well taken care of. My husband gave away all rights of our kids to me and doesn't bother with them to much anymore. I am the sole guardian of my handicapped son and I am the only one who brings him home for visits regularly and his sole healthcare guardian. He seizures quite often and has more health concerns and it is all in my hands. My other two boys who are grown with their own children are also close to me only and don't bother a lot with their Dad because he doesn't bother with them. I am so thankful for my wonderful kids.

Just a little history as to why I think I became so attached to a person who "needs me" or "needs sympathy" would be a better decription. I guess I don't know any other kind of person and it feels so familiar to me. Almost like home mentally I guess.

So I guess I have to work hard on me don't I.

((((Annette))))

Hi Annette, things sound like they have been very tough for you in this lifetime. You must be incredibly strong to have survived this life with so many obstacles. From what I read about victims, it appears to me that the reason they can get hooked by a Psychopath is because of being extremely kind and caring. It is hard to believe that the same kindess won't be returned, particularly when you see this person with his mask on. The catch is the mask will only stay on for so long and then the cycle of abuse continues.

I think you are making a very astute observation about working on yourself. You deserve true happiness. It is great that you have children and grandchildren since it sounds like they have grown up well and you are proud of them. Try to be proud of yourself for a job well done.

Since you have survived all of this, my guess is you are on the road to thinking about yourself and putting your needs first. I have never heard of a "recovered" Psychopath.

Life doesn't come with any instructions or time charts, only we can figure out what to do next. I always think of that movie "Baby Steps" with Bill Murray.

I value you sharing your history. If you weren't such a caring person getting rid of this guy would be a snap. One thing that might work is when he is in his "nice" mode, try to visualize the horrible times. Because he is alone certainly isn't your fault or problem.

Writing is like a journal and gives us a better look into our feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.

Di

Annette,

Sounds like you have part of the problem figured out. I agree with Dianne. If it is you that you believe you need to work on, then you should take the time out to do it. And part of the problem is you can't do it with the P in your life.

Many children of alcoholics end up with an alcoholic spouse for the same reason you stated, "it feels like home". They are used to it. So used to it that it "feels normal". An abnormal state has become normal to them.

You are a very nurturing person and you probably have a personality that thrives on nurturing others. However, a P is not going to get better with nurturing.

You also say you're afraid of the withdrawal right now. That's understandable. So were many others here, but they realized that it was a bitter pill to swallow, and in order to "get better" it was what had to be done. If there was another "easier" way, I'm sure someone here would have made it known. You've read many of the posts here. People aren't frustrated with you, but there's only one way out. No one here can open the door for you and walk thru it for you. You have to do that on your own. Everyone here knows the pain of going thru all of this and they understand how agonizing it is.

You do have the inner strength! Look at all those you've cared for and all you've been thru. A weak person could not have done all that.

We're all hoping that you will see yourself thru this!!

MCN