Hi ..i was directed here from another forum and i have read lots off posts on this site 'WOW' i can relate to so many off them. I will try not to go on for too long at the momment. I guess iam looking for some support and understanding into the terrible on/off relationship that i Have been in for 5yrs with my b/f , with whom i have managed to keep away from for the past 3wks but iam scared that i will jump back into again at any moment as i have done so many times before only to always regret it.
Iam still not sure really what his problem is , at first i searched the internet for compulsive lieing and the more i read i came to realise that the lies were a throw back from some other disorder iam not sure if it is antisocial behavior disorder or something much worse.
I have read the message at the begining off the forum explaining psychopathic behaviour and nodded in agreement all the way through appart from the criminal aspect , i dont think he has ever been in jail iam surprised that he hasnt but feel there is time yet and maybe this will be his next stop.
He seems to have a very strong hold over me i suppose its because i love him and he knows this so is taking full advantage , i really was convinced that he loved/loves me but the more i read on the subject the more i understand that it has all been for his own personel gain.
I dont or did'nt consider myself to be a gulable or even stupid woman but i have to say i am dissapointed in myself and feel so badly used ,i have had a good lesson today reading everybodys posts and iam so glad to have found this web site.
At this point i dont want to go on and on about all the things he has done to me but i will list one short incident which really should have had me running for the hills.
When i first met him he told me his mother had just died (he was a neighbour off mine)i felt so sorry for him i asked him if there was anything i could do for him i invited him in to have a coffee with me.
He said the funeral was in a few days so i done the usuall thing , i bought him a symphathy card and as he was in such a bad way about the death off his mother i said i would pop in to see him when he got back from the funeral.
I went over to his flat and when i went inside he had the card (which i had given him ) on display and there was a black tie on his table he had a suit on ect and he was/seemed really upset he went on to tell me how awfull the funeral was and he had got there by his cousins car ect ect he gave me every detail voluntarily.
I was into the relationship about 8 months when i found out his mother was alive and well.
Please dont ask me why i didnt get out off it then as i dont know the answer to that Q i have asked myself it so many times and all i can say in my defence is that i knew he had recently split from his mariage and i thought it was maybe this so i thought i would give him the benefit off the doubt something i regret deeply.
This is just a small incident there are so many i think iam going mad.
Thank you in advance for any help
mags

Hi Maggie,

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found it because it makes all the difference to be communicating with people who have had similar experiences, who can relate, and who have gone through it. A couple of things I'd like you to think about:

How many normal people that you know would or COULD tell a lie like that about their mothers or really anyone? People tell white lies, maybe little lies, but that's a whopper and it strongly suggests a lack of conscience and sensitivity. It is also a strong example that Ps will say and do anything to be able to manipulate, and gaining sympathy any which way seems to be a common P trick. Normal people simply don't tell those kinds of lies, not that I know off and that's a huge red flag.

The other thing is, please try not to beat yourself up over not breaking up with him then. I too first tried to break up with the P I was seeing after 6 months but didn't, and ended up dating him for years. I know this is a normal reaction to have because many of us here look back on relationships we've been in and wonder the same. "What the heck was I thinking?" But hindsight always shows things in a clearer light and as NORMAL people, at the time especially, it is difficult for us to process that there are people out there who do things like that without blinking an eyelash. If Ps are ruthless, then the women they date often tend to be at the other end of the spectrum, nurturing and highly empathetic, and those are the qualities that keep us in such relationships far longer than we should be.

The feelings you're going through are typical but try to not to beat yourself up, since it's not constructive and your defences and energy levels are probably down anyway. Also, I'd suggest writing down more of the incidents that happened (whether here or elsewhere) because having those swirling around in your head isn't helpful.

I'll end now with a quote.

"If matters go badly now, they will not always be so."
Author: Horace

You take care,

Sylvie

Hi sylvia
Thanks for the reply i did try to post a rather large reply back to you but it seems to have got lost before i writ another large reply i will see if this works first
mags

Maggie,

You have my sympathy! thats hapenned to me before. Web forms are a pain in the bottom because a) the text entry box is generally small which makes working with a large ammounts of text quite difficult. b) web browsers have no 'save' function for text which is being entered - so if you put a foot wrong its easy to lose a lot of work. c) the web form for posting has no spell checker, which is a disadvantage for rubbish typists like me.

Tip: If you are composing a large post, work in your word processor program (probably Microsoft Word) until you are happy, hitting save at regular intervals, then copy and paste the entire post to the text entry box here at the forum.

Hi justaman
Thanks for info iam going to leave it tonight i would have liked to have posted more but i have been on here all day reading and iam over whelmed with what i have discovered and now realise what i have been/going through and wondering how iam going to face up to it all , iam kinda shell shocked & very hurt at the ''obvious''which has been staring me in the face for 5yrs I think its now time to take off the rose tinted glasses.
The strange thing is after reading it all iam still trying to justify everything he has done.
Iam afraid you all are going to be hearing a lot from me as iam going to need help BIG TIME.
Iam now going to switch my mobile off before i lob it at the wall
mags xx

Hi Maggie,

Yeah, posts occasionally seem to end up in never neverland. I think Justaman made a good suggestion to maybe type the longer ones in Word or something to save you the trouble of re-typing. I'll keep an eye out for your new post when you're feeling up to it.

Take care,
Sylvie

Hi Maggie, welcome to the forum. I sure agree with Sylvie, the lie about his mother is sure a whopper. From past experience with victims of Psychopaths they can draw in very smart caring people so this isn't unusual. They have an uncanny way of getting people to believe their lies even when caught.

When you are comforable it can often help to continue reading and telling your story, it can help to journal either here or alone to allow your thoughts and emotions to see things more clearly.

Di

Hi Sylvia and all

I have been really trying to come to terms with this and its not easy infact i think iam more upset , angry , distraught , gutted , and sick to the pit off my stomach than i have ever been before now , more probably because i have read lots on this web site and it has opened my eyes ( good thing in the long term iam sure ) but sure doesnt feel like it at the momment
Iam going into 4wks without seeing him i thought it was getting easier but now i have to come to terms with the fact that he possibly never had any feelings for me at all , that is really painfull i keep going over everything in my mind trying to convince myself that he did/does love me , but deep down inside i know it was all fantasy and that i have been a mug ( scotish word for idiot ).

He is still texting my mobile and i normally try to ignore it so as not to get hooked back in but last night when he text his undying love for me ect i thought i would text him back and put it to him that he might have a mental health problem eg APD or psycopathic tendencys ect & i hoped he would text back and say something like ''i know'' or ''i will go get help'' i waited patiently with hope but no just dead silence and he didnt text me back he is obviously ignoring this , my thought on this silence is he must know it , or else why not defend himself against my aligation ?

He probably has his next victum lined up , there has been a few occasions when i thought somebody else might be in the picture i have no proof of this but something deep inside me tells me this could be so.

I had no sleep last night all sorts off strange nightmares when i got up this morning and put the radio on there was an elvis song playing , very approprite ( suspicious minds )caught in a trap and i cant get out because i love you too much baby , why cant you see oh oh oh what your doing to me , when i cant believe a word you say , lol i wonder if elvis knew a P

I know he is in financial trouble with rent again i wish he would sink back to the gutter where he had been before he met me but i have a funny feeling that somebody somewhere will pick up the pieces ( poor woman )he has no job AGAIN and he is still in his rented flat so somebody is bailing him out.
Thanks
mags xx

Hi Maggie,

Everything you’re going through right now (and I know it’s a lot) is completely normal. I think anytime we are trying to exit a long relationship it’s difficult anyway, but when you throw the fact that he may be a P into the mix, that makes it all the worse. I read your post and was thinking back to what it was like at the time that I was deciding to break off my relationship. It was wrenching and I feel for you. What makes it particularly difficult is that there are usually good times too. Ps come across normal some of the time, in fact they can be very charming, and that’s what makes it so difficult to grasp that what we are dealing with is a shell of a person.

I know it’s tempting to try and get him to acknowledge that he has some disorder – I did that too. But as I said elsewhere, trying to get a P to be accountable or show some feelings about it, is like trying to nail jello to a wall – it ain’t gonna happen! You’ll probably hurt yourself more in the process.

The thing is, if you had known the signs to watch out for, you probably would have gotten out earlier or not become involved at all. But like many of us you didn’t. It seems that you know now and I hope you listen to your gut and think about what you want for yourself long term. Anyway you cut it, P are losers and judging from your post, you already know that.

I sense that you probably have a feisty personality and I’ve no doubt that you will get through this.

Take care,

Sylvie

P.S. I read your post about you calling the paramedics on him – that was hilarious – I had a good laugh about it. The P I went out with used to do that too – say that he couldn’t live without me. Problem for him was it stopped working, I really didn’t give a flip anymore!!

Hi Sylvie

Thanks for your reply , from your post i realise that you managed to make the break ? If so that is good well done.

It is strange is'nt it if they had been normal blokes and we didnt want the relationship anymore it would just be over , i have ended relationships before and none were so dragged out as this.

I think i was grassping at straws when i put it to him that he may have a mental health problem , i was secretly hoping that he would realise this and go for help and we would all live happily ever after , i have to stop living in hope it is because iam such a possative , optamistic person that this has went on so long , & also that i love him.

Yes iam fiesty and i think this is why there has been a lot off arguements and confrontations , i have told him in the past to find somebody else who would be more accepting to his behaviour you would think he would have done this by now as he must realise that iam not going to accept it.( maybe he has) or maybe he knows he would find it hard to get another woman to put up with him , but he is'nt going to let me go either ....strange.

Sylvie do you mind me asking how long you were in the relationship and how long have you been out off it ?

I just cant get over the fact that i have put up with this for 5yrs iam really not a silly woman (or didnt think i was anyway) iam now wondering if it is truly love that i feel or is it his manipulation ?? if he didnt love me he must have been very good at pretending , iam sure he does , i know he would do anything for me and he is always reminding me off this fact to which my reply is '' yes i know except tell the truth'' which surely is the most important asspect off any relationship and the foundations for it.

I have always kept my independance i have a nice house where as he has been in so many rented propertys , at one point i thought i would invite him to stay with us as maybe he needed some stability/love ect as he had told me in the past he had a terrible childhood and i did think this guy just needs to be loved , i know lol

On many occasions when he was being evicted for non payment off rent and i have helped him to get another property he had even casted up to me '' its ok for you , you have everything you want'' as if it was my fault because iam a responsable person and get my priorities right with bills ect , he hates the fact that i wont make commitment.

I dont even think he realises the hurt iam feeling as all he can think about is himself he texts me saying ''please please talk to me i miss you so much i cannot live without you '' & why are you doing this to me ect, does he really think that it is me who is doing this to him ? doesnt he realise that it is him who has done this to me or is it a case off he does know what he has done and is trying to manipulate me into making me feel bad about ignoring him ? strange !!!!! does he think iam having a picnic ?.

Thanks for listning to me moaning sylvie the weekend has been a struggle but i find that the week is better to get through as i have more to keep me ocupied and hopefully soon the pain will go away.
mags xx