Wow, finished, your not finished, the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow, thank you, tis Sunday, tuck the kids into bed and will read your post again tomorrow.

Well, I had to read this from you finished at least a half a dozen times at least, thank you for sharing. I think we all have to take the time and asess our lives. I know from being married for 30 years that abuse comes in many forms. And now coming to grips with daughter and her illness and why it got so damn bad, I have thought back, trying to put the pieces somehow together, everything is reletive, I suppose.
Miss was my first born and only girl in four more boys to come. She is petite, well built, long blonde hair, big blue eyes, she can get along and enhance everyone she meets, always did. She was spoiled, being the only girl in a large male dominated family, she could twink an eye. sit on Grandpa's lap and get whatever she asked for. From 10 years to 13 she was invited to spend the summers in Florida with Grandma and StepGrandpa ( another story, but related ). She began to steal things and in the sunner of her 14th year at a visit form Grandma and Step she said that Step had fondled her after bedtime and she was upset. And yaknow I made her sit down and tell me everything that happened over and over until I was convinced that action had to be taken. I approached my mate and told him that I thought we had a concern. He went to talk to him with his brother and he denied but told me over the telephone that it was the drink that made him do it, he confessed. Children's Aid was involved as Miss was depressed going back to school in her 9th grade, he was put on a list and we haven't spoken to their family, husbands mother ever since. I hope I am not getting to long here but that was the first tool the Miss had, I was to blame and some how whatever happened in her life was all my fault ever since. She left at 16, she can raise sympathy, by George with everyone, twisting the truth, telling lies, at 16 she was gone and for the past 10 years has had over a dozen relationships, guys got her apartments, outfitted them, she has been in trouble with the law, boy...she can make herself look like a real nice catch, but that's all for now
thanks to all

Treefrog

>>I was to blame and some how whatever happened in her life was all my fault ever since.<<

Oh Treefrog, what a burden to be blamed for what happened. . .I know the guilt I carried for years because I stayed with P#1 and he was an alcholic that exhibited all the P behaviors especially when drinking. When my two youngest started acting out drinking, drugging and all the stuff that goes along with that (lying, stealing P behavior) I blamed myself for that. Going to Alanon has helped me learn I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. It has taken alot of hard work on my part to quit enabling because of my guilt they were able to quite cleverly manipulate me. Do I detect that you feel some of that also?

Keep posting Treefrog. It really helps. Especially when we realize we are not alone in our pain.

Take care of yourself Treefrog. I'm so glad you are here with us.
finished

Treefrog,

It must difficult for you. I have kids as well I can just imagine what that is. But what is so great is that you are researching the matter in-depth. there are not so many parents are doing so, whether you will find a solution or not, you will do the best. I am sure that you will somehow appease the pain, the suffering. Believe me that is great what you are doing. Go on. We, as mother, don
t always have the knowledge to do something about it, but if we catch up, we can do some very good things to heal the conflicts. I sometimes wish I could go back in time but the only thing I can really do is get educated for the next conflicts. Hang in there.

Thought I would share these words
"Believe that you are defeated, believe it long enough, and it is likely to become a fact."
Norman Vincent Peale

My stepson has been diagnosed as a psychopath (among many other diagnoses). I met my husband when his son was fifteen (this was eight years ago), so it hasn't been as hard on me as it has been on him--I was never able to develop a deep emotional bond with this kid, something I've felt terribly guilty about.

My husband says he was a normal baby and toddler until he was almost two years old. My husband had split with his son's mother and retained custody (she wasn't too tightly wrapped from all accounts). My husband wanted his son to have a relationship with his mother and when Stepson was almost two, allowed his mother to take him for what was supposed to be a weekend visit.

Unknown to my husband, his ex had already re-married (their divorce wasn't even final at that point!). The man she had married was physically violent. They didn't bring the baby back when the weekend was over and it took my husband two weeks to find him. He was finally contacted by the hospital where his son had been taken when he stopped breathing after "falling off a table."

The truth was that he'd been severely abused in the week and a half he was with his mother and her husband. He sustained severe head trauma--they called 911 when they discovered he wasn't breathing. He also had burns all over his body and several other fractures.

The man was charged with felony child abuse and convicted. His mother was charged with neglect and convicted.

Stepson spent 6 months in foster care, while the state decided if my husband was a fit parent. The final decree gave my husband sole custody and the mother supervised visitation only. She visited several times, then made an attempt to kidnap him and disappeared. No one, not even her own family, knows whether she is alive or dead.

My husband says that when he first visited his son in the hospital and then in foster care, it was as if he was visiting a different toddler, not his own son. The physical features were all the same but the personality had totally changed. Before the abuse, he'd been a sunny, easy going baby and toddler; after the abuse he was withdrawn and deeply angry. And he wanted to hurt people.

When Stepson was four years old, he started putting pins in my husband's bed. Not just laying them in there, he would actually lift up the bottom sheet and poke them through at an angle. Or open the pillow and place pins so that they were concealed until the pillow was pressed upon.

By the time Stepson was six years old, my husband had learned never to leave his food unwatched. If he left his plate for even a couple seconds, Stepson would stir something into it. Started out with salt or pepper or sugar (things that were on the table) and quickly progressed to household cleaners, medications, etc.

Stepson started shoplifting at five years old. My husband had no idea he was doing it until they were stopped by a store security guard one day.

By the time Stepson was going to middle school (7th grade) he was a chronic truant. At one point, the school had my husband walking him to his first class of the day. Stepson would wait until my husband walked off down the hall, then he'd walk out of the room, leave school grounds, often beat my husband back to the apartment, take what he wanted and be gone for the day.

The school wanted my husband to stay at the school all day and escort his son from class to class but that just wasn't realistic for a single parent with a job.

Stepson was in therapy from the time he landed in the hospital at just under two years old until he was sixteen years old. Didn't do one bit of good and in fact, may have done some harm--he learned how to give therapists what they wanted to hear. From those fourteen years in therapy, he was given a variety of diagnoses. Psychopath is the one that fits best.

At sixteen, he'd already been in trouble with the law for shoplifting, burglary, breaking and entering, drugs, etc. Unfortunately, he was a very appealing, charming kid and managed to charm police officers out of charging him or into reducing charges several times. We got so frustrated with the police! That changed after the time Stepson was drunk and was caught by a police officer who was sitting in a marked police car watching him try to break into a pickup. It started off as the normal sort of arrest where Stepson charmed his way out of it, but something happened at the police station to trigger him. It took six police officers finally to restrain one single kid who weighed 105 pounds (he's five foot two inches). After that incident, the police weren't charmed by him anymore and they were much more sympathetic to what we were going through.

At sixteen, he was finally charged and confined to a juvenile facility (for which we had to pay). Stepson swore he would never forgive us for not being willing to go to court and assure the judge that we were able to supervise him. He was held until he was 18 years old, then released.

In the years since then, we know he's fathered at least three children who are within three weeks of age (one set of twins, one single) plus at least one infant who is about a year younger with yet a third girl (who was fourteen when she conceived). Both mothers have lost custody of the children. Stepson has been convicted of statutory rape in the case of the fourteen year old.

It makes me sick at heart to realize that he appears to be fixated on teens.

When I first met my husband, I thought all the kid needed was a firm and consistant adult presence. After trying to deal with him for six months, I fully understood why my husband was basically at his wits' end trying to deal with this kid.

The saddest thing for me is that the kid is not without charm. Every now and then he calls or sends a card and he appears sweet, loving, charming, funny. It's so hard to remember that it's a facade, it's not reality.

It's hard for my husband to know that his son is unhappy and not be able to fix it. In fact, doing anything for Stepson seems to make him worse, so we now have a "no more chances" family rule in regards to him. No more money, no more support, absolutely no help with jobs or anything like that.

Stepson is pretty much out of our day-to-day life because he chose to move over 1000 miles away. We usually only hear from him when he's in jail. In a sick way, it's a relief to know he's in jail because it's a low risk environment and he's likely to survive it plus it means he's not out victimizing more people.

As I said way back in the beginning, I was never able to develop a deep emotional bond with this kid. I felt terribly guilty about it for years and sometimes I still do. I have come to realize that there's two reasons for this. One, I learned very quickly that I could never trust this kid. Two, I think he assessed me pretty quickly and decided that there was nothing in it for him--I wasn't a prospective sexual partner, I demonstrated right away I would not go behind his father's back and I made it clear that I didn't trust him. There was no reason for him to try to con me and this kid is a pragmatist--if he can't succeed with one person, he just looks for the next target.

Maybe this is too long, I don't know. I try not to brood on it but am not always successful.

I did learn alot about psychopaths and how to survive them and I'm hoping my experience will do someone else some good.

Eithne

Eithne,
Welcome to the forum, that is such a terrible story.Poor child who has suffered an irreversible trauma. All those years of sufferings for the father. I am sure you will be able to help the one that have kids as a sociopath.

Eithne, welcome to the forum. Please do not hesitate to post as much as you would like. You tell a very sad story. It must be very painful to have a child who is a Psychopath.

Di

Thank you for the welcome.

You know, Stepson isn't happy. I don't think psychopaths can be happy. Contented, sometimes, maybe--but from watching Stepson for eight years, I don't think I've ever seen him truly happy. Or truly anything, sad, homesick, in love, any other emotion--except anger.

Everyone loses.