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#534 - 08/23/02 10:18 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

I'd like to welcome you to the forum, belated as it may be.
I just read back through your posts and can see that you identify with a lot of what the posters have written on the threads.

What traits did you personally observe and experience that lead you to believe you were involved with a psychopath?

Sincerely,
Cherie

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#535 - 08/23/02 01:18 PM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cherie,

It was quite a long time before I finally figured it out. I didn't realize the kind of evil he is actually existed.

He is a pathological liar, he used me and others malicously, he lives in a bubble by no one else's rules, he likes the dark, he lives a parasitic lifestyle, he thinks he deserves things from others, he's been an alcoholic for almost 40 years and a sex addict for almost the same. Once he's done with you he discards you, but you give him still a glimmer or interest and he knows that there is adoration and interest. He wants, he gets. I have horror stories of almost everyday of my life with him. They match others that are on this site.

Nothing in my life with him made sense. My frame of reference disintegrated. He lied to everyone behind my back and he is so charming everyone believed him before I even knew what was going on. He cares about nothing except pleasing himself in the current moment. I've read everything I can get my hands on by Dr. Hare and all the checklists descriptions fit my p to a tee.

Initially I could have left the relationship and thought it would have ended because of his drinking, the other women, the psychological abuse, etc. but I've somehow had the opportunity to see the true BIG picture. I learn more all the time. I'm starting over and each day I am more firmly committed to figure out what this experience was supposed to be in my life. Like Kris, I have also been writing a book. It has broadened my perspective and my appreciation for things like mercy and compassion, and resiliency and character. Regaining your integrity is the best thing you can do. It doesn't come back in an instant, but it keeps you centred once it starts coming back.

My journey has just started.

Hope this helps.

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#536 - 08/24/02 08:08 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

Thank you for responding and being willing to share some of what you've experienced. Although I can hear from what you've written that you've been through such pain and degradation, I also hear your hope and committment to healing coming through.

You wrote:

"Regaining your integrity is the best thing you can do. It doesn't come back in an instant, but it keeps you centred once it starts coming back."

Thanks for the uplifting words.
Cherie



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#537 - 08/26/02 07:01 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

I only got the "beautiful" line in the beginning twice and I believe that was to get his emotional hooks in.
Yes, I agree with the more taboo, the better.

To go on more about what you wrote, I don't think physcial beauty means much to the p. For a long time, I believed I was not good looking enough for him and now I think one could be as beautiful as a Miss America contestant and the p would still be out trying to get his next victim. For the p, it all has to do with the chase and getting and everything seems to be so wonderful. In reality, the p is using all his charm in the getting, then being bored (why, I don't know) and then off to the next victim.

I, too, do not understand this evil and as I posted before, I am bitter that he continues to do what he is doing and is not held accountable. However, he is not breaking the law---he is breaking hearts and souls and there are no laws against that. What gets us though? I hope that he is breaking God's law and in some way, he will have to answer to what he is doing.

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#538 - 10/06/02 12:31 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris. . .thank you for the hug. . .this week has been the week from hell. . i have gone the gamaut of hating myself for being SO stupid. . .it seems like a story out of a really bad novel. I am so grateful God led me to this forum. In reading through the posts, I believe I have found an answer.

The Bible speaks of people like this, I just wasn't aware i knew any of them. well, that's not entirely true, there were times I thought of it but thought it unChristian to entertain thoughts like that. iIwas SO idealistic, although my instincts warned me, my heart wanted to believe the lie.

I had a horrible experience this week. That is what led me here. I'll try to describe what happeded as soft as I can. I really am looking for answers.

The p i WAS involved with was very careful never to lead me on. Just said enough to let me fill in the blanks. I had thought periodically over the years my husband might be a p. A counseler had suggested it to me once but he had problems with alchol so we labeled it that. After reading through the forum. . .he's a p. I have been connected to him for over 30 years. In and out of marriages with him. You gotta know, he was a master at the good p to suck me in. The last time we got married, he worked on it five years. Five minutes after the cermony. . .out comes the bad p never to go back to the good p. What a surprise. I'm really over this p.

So, on the cusp of all this. . .enter p #2. Very good looking, smart, educated, successful, nice, kind, encoouraging, validating, attentive, sensitive. Very low key, no pressure, no overt passes. Just offering friendship. I had the sense that he was interested but i was married and really was not looking to have an affair. I was however, starved, literally starved for love and attention. So. . . anytime he called, I welcomed it. Wanted to do lunch. . . I was there. Coffee. . . just tell me where and what time! And calls, morning, noon and night, on weekends too! I was beginning to sense he was becoming a BIG part of my life. All of this is on a friendship (LOL ) level. I was getting concerned about it, but it felt so good to have someone checking on my saftey, my whereabouts, concern for me as a person, I didn't want to give it up. He never said the words, but, who needed them the actions were speaking for themselves. After 150 years with p #1. (they are like dog years right) it was like pouring water on a parched, starved desert. I opened up like a rose. Truly, it was the first time i really ever fell in love. This went on for almost three years as a friendship and in a very vulnerable moment I caved. After I caved. . .so did he. I was traumatized.

This may sound weird but I had to stay connected until I could figure it all out. It has taken six years. He is a p. God help me. I do not want to be a p magnet.

i met P#1 while seperated from my first husband. i would say I was in love as much as i knew about it at the time. As the years and the abuse went by, I knew enough to know this was not love. I listened to other people tell me about my obligation and responsibily to my marriage vows. He (p#1) was a profile p. I see that now. Charm, personality, good looks, nice car, money (temporarily) liar, sneak, thief. gambler, pervert. If he was a woman chaser, he was really discreet but I "had the feeling" ALOT ( one time he got crabs and iIknow he didn't get it from me). He helped me believe he picked them up from a toliet seat. yeahh, right. .

so. . .p #2 is actually the p who pushed me over the edge. i fell in love with this p. . .oh wait. . fell in love with the illusion.
Fast forward. . .six years trying to figure this out. Truly, I was traumitized. I kept thinking about "how is was" and "when is it going back" "I thought you cared" "what did i do" I never said those words to him but I said them to myself. All the time. And because this was a SECRET, I had no one to talk to. . .it sounds so sinister now.
I has been one stab in the back after another. And me, still trying to figure it out. You know as I'm writing this, it is hard to believe this is ME I'm writing about. Is this part of the "spell". ok. . .here's the part i gotta get out. i'll trust you can read between the lines. a few nights ago he wanted to "be with me" i drove a LONG way to get there and it was fairly late when i arrived. i had a glass of wine, we talked briefly and then . . .
i'm going to flash back here, when i read some of the other posts about closed eyes, stone silence. . .it was like reading about who i was with! scary. . .
well, this was really weird, but i overlooked it (red flag) he went around and gathered all my stuff and put it in one pile. i still wonder about that. . .i mean he commented on it, made a point of it.

then, it's true what you say in the love and surrender portion of your post, cause that is me for sure.
then. . . .he didn't ask. . .but wanted me to do something i was not comfortable with and didn't. then. . .oh God, this is awful. . .he took care of himself. . .violently. . . even screamed. Thank God for the wine or i would have probably freaked out. but you know what i thought. . . wow. . .he really must trust me to do something like that in front of me. this guy has a very COOL persona. i promise you, i NEVER expected that. i mean, why, i was RIGHT THERE. you know what i'm saying, why not with me. . .

then. . .we talked, more wine, more . . ..

then. . .it's really late and he indicates i gotta go. now where we were was quite isolated and dark winding roads. between being late the wine and the afterglow, i should not have been driving. i was somewhere i had never been before and was totally unfamiliar with the territory. it was Gods hand on me that night that i made it home, i KNOW it was. oh, by the way, he still does not know if i made it home safe. . .no call as yet several days later.

when i woke up the next morning i felt like i was drugged. I could barely move. Then I started peicing it all together. Did he deliberately set me out there. if something happened, no big deal. . . Nothing to tie him to it. . .if you know what i mean. And to this day, he still had not called to see if I made it safely home.

Maybe it is just a coinsidence but it has really shaken and scared me. Like I said before. . .stories inside of stories. . .

My days with this person is over. I feel like a narrowly escaped.

If my post was to graphic, I'm not sure, but I think I see the tone of the posts. I didn't know how to say it any other way. . .it was All so WEIRD and I desperately need feedback. Would you be willing to share your thoughts here. . . you really seem to have a firm but compassionate and honest grasp of this. I know I'm rambling around alot, but it's all rumbling around inside of me and I'm just trying to get it out.
gratefully,
finished

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#539 - 10/06/02 01:36 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,

I'm sorry, but I didn't follow what happened.

"then. . . .he didn't ask. . .but wanted me to do something i was not comfortable with and didn't. then. . .oh God, this is awful. . .he took care of himself. . .violently. . . even screamed..."

I won't ask you to explain what did happen, but I will ask...was it something that made you feel unsafe? Was it an act of violence, which you felt might have gone a different way? Might have entailed physical harm to you?

I do get a bad feeling from his lack of a call as to your safety.

If this is the case, once in the situation, you played it smart and got yourself out of there intact.

I absolutely understand how traumatized you feel right now. I'm glad you found the forum. You might want to contact your local battered women's group about attending some support group sessions. And you may want to seek counseling to help you work through your stress, and loss of autonomy.

It gets better from this point. I hear in your words that you are through with repeating these types of experiences.

kris


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#540 - 10/06/02 02:09 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished, Your post inspired some additional thought which I feel could benefit all of us former psychopath's victims (me included).

I think it may be possible that, by sharing our psychopath experience with new men, we sometimes interest closet psychopaths in us.

I am reading between the lines that P#2 became interested in you during a time in which you were confiding details about your life with your husband with him.

I'll tell you something that happened to me. A few years ago I was still living with my psychopath husband, and just burning in hell, desperate to escape. I was pathetically still in love with the monster, and had difficulty imagining that I could extract myself without a very potent DIStraction from my yearning. I thought maybe a substitute man was the answer. I quickly located one on love@aol. I wasn't completely nuts. I recognized the man's name, though we had never met. We had talked because I had considered joining his writer's group several years earlier. I thought, great, he's 2 years older than me, we're both writers, we had even had the same agent at one time.

I met him for lunch, and learned he shared almost exactly the same family configuration with my psychopath husband. Same birth order, number of kids, rural upbringing. Lots of other parallels. "Somebody" was trying to tell me something. I wasn't listening. I thought it a good idea to share as much of my personal history as possible, weed him out if he wasn't going to sensitive to my special needs. I didn't have all day to find a new man.

After our lunch I had a bad feeling about him. He had flirted with the waitress in a really intrusive and obnixious way, like angry hostile flirting, He had insulted me, complaining that my hair wasn't blonde as it appeared in my picture, the moment he laid eyes on me.

But, hey...he seemed to like me...he kept e-mailing after that...and "a bird in the hand"...you know... Then came the dirty jokes. I e-mail laughed weakly. Then came the dirty pictures. I took his name out of my address book. Thank God he was neither patient nor subtle.

I have gone out one time in my year since leaving Psychopath, and engaged with a man. Dancing. I shared my background with him, too. Then I got a funny feeling about him. I stopped it before anything started.

If we do meet a psychopath, he is going to be very interested if he thinks he's found a fertile victim. I now think it is not a good idea to share this kind of history with any potential love interest. Get to know somebody first. Then share very cautiously.

This also illustrates why it is important to fully separate from a bad relationship, particularly one with a psychopath, before entering into a new relationship. As we separate and heal, we change, we grow awareness of what happened. If one doesn't do this, one often finds oneself in the same kind of relationship because it still "fits".

kris

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#541 - 10/06/02 03:05 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


thank you again for your response.

i apologize for my rambling.

P#2 was very perceptive. He only knows sketchy details of my life. P#1 worked in a different state and lived with me a few months a year. This went on for years. Being married but without a partner kept me from having married friends and i didn't fit with the singles either because i was married. So my life was my kids. I focused on what i had which was a lot but I longed for a friend, a soulmate someone to just share with. Most people describe me a a "chirpy, cheerleader type" . I have a lot of energy (thank you God) and try to be optimisic. My outlook on life is pretty positive. But underneath the stong exterior is a real human being who wants to love and be loved. Things I NEVER got from P#1. P#2 just started being there. I shared very little because of the shame of it all. Who wants admit to living through the atrocities I did. He didn't press and I didn't offer anymore than I was asked. Really, I enjoyed his company, being around him, talking to him. He came into my life. I did not pursue him but i didn't discourage him either. One day, i realized i loved this person. Maybe I was just grateful that somebody saw some value in me and was willing to be my friend. Heaven knows P#1 didn't. This is what was going on for almost three years before we became intimiate. That moment was the beginning of the end of the illusion.

You are correct. I need time to heal. I have been dealling with two p's for years. Maybe I over reacted to the described senerio. On one hand I'm looking for love and the other hand the evidence it's not there. I think it is a reaction to the way love is expressed through a p. . .hate.

Thank you for taking time to share.
finished

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#542 - 10/06/02 03:25 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finsihed, It gives me chills that you didn't really share much about your personal life with P#2, yet he primed you for almost 3 years in order to hurt, reject, humiliate you. How do they know? Are we wearing a sign or something? Almost everyone I've ever met who has had one of these experiences has had more than one.

But we can heal and we can change. And we can attract other kinds of men. I have met women who have done that, too.

kris

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#543 - 10/06/02 03:48 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


kris-
because this thing was a big secret i haven't been able to share with anyone. You hit the nail on the head. That was exactly what I thought when it immediately started caving in. It was like he wanted me, but when he got me. . .he hated me for loving him. . .for expressing any feelings at all. I mean, what was the point. In another post, i read, it is all about the chase. I don't know if it is a good or bad quality to give others the benefit of the doubt. Well not good with a p. But maybe i just needed to come to this place with him that I could no longer deny the truth and keep hoping the lie would come true. The reality of this is intense.
oh how i thank you for letting me share. . .I am so relieved to get this out of my head. There was no one to tell. . .
Gratefullly
Finished

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