I fell and finished,

That is so absolutely true. If ever there is a book about recovery from psychopathic
abuse, surely it will include this step...write it down! It's even different than talking,
though talking is important, too. But when you are not talking, when you are just writing,
you are hearing only your own voice speak. There is no distraction. As you write and
read (observe), your story reveals its kernels of truth, just as if you were reading a book.
There is a deep wise part within every one of us that knows more than we consciously do.
Writing accesses that part. I am often surprised by the things I write which I didn't know I
knew.

It is no mystery to me that I finally extricated my soul from the psychopath once I began
to write the book. Part of the psychopathic experience is that the victim is not permitted
to weave a whole cloth of her life with the psychopath. The psychopath forces a condition
of fragmentation of experience on the victim. If she attempts to talk about patterns in
order to tackle chronic problems, she is "bringing up the past", beating him up with it,
abusing him. The problem in the relationship, he never stops telling her, is her inability to
forgive, leave the past in the past.

It is mind-boggling the horror and abuse I managed to shove down in 30 years with a
psychopath. But shoving it down was a condition he continually forced on me. I was not
uniformly successful. For years and years, it would all rise up, forming a horrifying
picture, in its entirety. When I felt desperate about it, I would often think, "I should write
this. This is a book. Someday, I should write this book. If I ever worte all of this down,
it would be pure horror." And I would realize that I ever DID write it all down, in its
entirety, it would mean the end of my life with my husband. Because then I would have
the whole picture, too.

(Computer shut down, at this point, hence the formatting above.)

It took an earthquake to my foundation to finally put my hands to computer keys. I started, then stopped, reconciled with Psychopath. I desperately did not want the truth to be the truth. I wanted a different truth. But my powers of denial could not stand up to the consciousness that had come. The fragmentation of my experience had begun to made whole. I had begun to really the know the truth. Writing it is an essential step, in combatting denial and rationalization.

My p told me initially that he felt I had been "sent to him from God." One of the first things he did was bring me a small South American nativity from his mother's native country to place upon my mantle. All the while, he was being unmasked and ejected on every front. He lost his job for getting aggressive verbally with a superior. His roomate almost beat his ass, he said for borrowing a video (these guys are notorious for having no respect for other's property!), his landlord evicted him (Something I should have done a dozen times for the incense burns, ink stains, etc. that he created). Yet those words about God softened me, I thought he was a lost lamb, poor thing. In time he brought into my home morning, noon and night pot-smoking, pornography, and admiration for the life of the swingers. Still, I looked at that nativity. How ironic.

The sex with P was very mechanical, cold, unfeeling, gymnastic. He was all into "point your toes, arch your back", do this, do that. Very little, if any kissing. He was only into genitals touching. I can't remember having sex with him and our chests touching. I'd ask him to kiss me more, more foreplay and he did try once, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. He also always wanted to give me a massage. When we broke up I found out that he had put a hidden camera in the bedroom the first time we had sex and put the pictures on a porn website he had. I am still trying to get over that by going to a therapist. My mind couldn't understand how he could do something so vile like that until I found a website on psychopaths.

Hi Jacq, welcome to the forum. What you are desribing is very familiar indeed. Without offering a diagnosis I have heard this type of story many, many times, they don't really know how to be intimate. Psychopath's learn as they grow up and my guess is sex is one thing they don't learn how to mimic. The best example is Scott Peterson who was highly socialized, they just don't know how to act at a funeral or vigil since they have never been trained how to react. Was he this way sexually from the beginning?

Did he have a certain look in his face during this time? I believe it is against the law to record someone without their knowledge, there is a website that details which States can do what. However, it probably isn't wise to put a target on your back by challenging him. The old saying, best to leave the rubbish by the curbside.

Di

As crude as this may sound.

I feel that psychopaths simply masturbate with your body.

They have bedroom eyes as well.

Hi Murray, that is an excellent description. Do you think they make eye contact or not if using your theory? Many members have said there was little to no eye contact.

Di

Di-

Not much eye during sex. Their eyes are open though--they just don't look at you.

Lizard eyes but bright and shinny.

Were they dark and evil looking eyes also when you could catch a glimpse while they were looking away and you got a peek at them?
Di

Di~

At the center is a black hole. The outside is colorful.

Sometimes the also look glassy. Like they are gazed over and bright. Like a lizards eyes.

Most people do not have these eyes.

Di~

Do you think they look in the mirror and see what some of us see when we look at them? I
would be scared of myself if I had eyes like that. It isn't very attractive. They look fake like glass eyes.