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#508 - 08/11/02 06:22 AM Sex and the Psychopath
Survivor Offline
member

Registered: 03/23/06
Posts: 12
I know this may not be a popular discussion thread but I feel a need to express the disconnect I felt with the psychopath even during the most intimate moments....

My Psychopath used to close his eyes when he was making love to me which basically made me feel like a "thing" and not even there. There was no tender look, tender caresses or soul connection. There was a deafening quiet and absence of intimate pillow talk that connects souls as well as bodies. No compliments, no discussion, no playful interaction, just the act itself. In some ways I thought it was a comfortable silence of two people sharing deeply but that was just my projection. He felt nothing emotional while I was deeply in love with him and our expression through lovemaking. To him, it was a skin thing, further evidenced by his penchant for wanting to do it with the lights out. No need for eye contact or connection. Can only say this in retrospect. At the time I was pleased as can be that he was interested in pleasuring me but that became less important to him as the months rolled on. And then after I had the baby and weeks had passed he was disinterested. I know now because he was getting it somewhere else.....

survivor

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#509 - 08/11/02 03:15 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Anonymous
Unregistered


OK, here goes: mine was an actor. The sex was phenomenal, for me at least. And I believed that he was "making love" to me, and me to him. That was probably the only marker of quality in the relationship. A few times I caught a hint of something that seemed off, just not right. When we did it at his place, I sometimes had intrusive thoughts, images of him doing it with someone else there. In the same chair or other spot. Although his actions were almost entirely loving with me, I had the sense that his pleasure was all in his head, that he was fantasizing about someone else as we did it, and that was what got him off. I thought he could have just lay there alone and gotten off just through fantasy. Once he told me that he actually could. I don't remember him always having his eyes either closed or open. One time he spoke to me in a language that I don't know. He said something about, "beautiful". Yes, that was a big, bright, red flag for me. When I asked him about it he denied saying it, and caught himself quickly. Yet when he said it, I had the sense of him being in another place, not really present with me. As I write, I am still tempted to think that maybe it was just my "own low self esteem" or mental weakness, or distrustful nature (that is what he would have written it off as). But then I remember that I was NEVER like this (suspicious) with any other partner. And I realize that the suspicion was caused not by some inherent flaw in me, but by his overall Psychopath dishonesty, and by the first time he betrayed me. After that, it was very hard to ever believe him again. Because he never really came clean about any of it,not the first one, and not any later ones. And I don't know the extent of his disloyalty the first time, but I do know now that he had intent to carry it out as far as he could, even to marrying her.

What made it so hard is that I bought into the lie so completely. I belived that since overall it was SO good, there had to be some love, some loyalty, something of value in our relationship. It couldn't possible be all bad, right??? Wrong. He was incapable of loyalty. That simple fact turned all the rest (anything that appeared to be good or true), into "mud".

He could get out of bed, walk three steps and and betray me without a second thought, and then lie about it.
And he did.

"Leti"

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#510 - 08/11/02 03:42 PM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


I remember the first passionate kiss so many years ago, just like it was yesterday. Halfway through, he took a deep breath almost like a big sigh. I will never forget it and I asked him about it because my gut was telling me that he was bored or something. He said that he just needed some more air. Red flag. I ignored it.Then during our intimate times, he seemed to know so much about a woman's anatomy and told me all about it. Slowly over time, I was not allowed to face him anymore, had to be face down. If on the rare times I did get to face him, he always stared straight ahead at the wall or covered my face with a piece of clothing. The kissing, hugging and foreplay no longer exist either.


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#511 - 08/13/02 09:55 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Blondie and all

I am relating my experience and opinion below:

For the psychopath, sex is a stimulating obsession with him. Women in his life are just for his amusement and pleasure. The sex, at first, is all consuming and very passionate. Later on, he seemed to have gotten bored, like the thrill is in the getting and it is on to the next victim or else he cannot contain the beast in him or most likely at little of both.

If you look closely enough, you will notice the psychopath has an obsession with a certain part of the female anatomy, not really the person after the initial thrill as worn off for the Psychopath. Then, the physical part gets more and more bizarre.

He related his fantasy is about women covering their faces and being tied up. So, the mask slipped in his quest for a bizzare fantasy.

In the beginning though, while he is wooing you and the sex is great, he is still out there looking for his next victim---in the bars and on adult personal sites or in chatrooms, creating a persona of Prince Charming.

At first I thought I wasn't pretty or perfect enough for him, but then with the help of this forum, I now believe it isn't about me. It is about him. His wife can't satisfy him nor I couldn't satisfy him nor can any single women can---a bottomless pit of a sexual pervert always on the prowl for the next one. So, the more women know that he's out there, they can save themselves the emotional toll it as taken on his previous victims.

Beenthere

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#512 - 08/13/02 10:36 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I wanted to add to the above story that the topic of sex had not been part of the earlier discussion which had set off psychopath's rage. That discussion had only been about our financial situation.

This is illustrative of some things: EVERYTHING was about sex to my psychopath. Any issue over which I struggled for some control was about sex to him. He told me, in later years, that he really viewed me as always attempting to control HIM. In his twisted view, if I sqirmed for any control over my own life, I was controlling him. I understand, now, that the psychopath believes he has the right to control everyone, and when his victim attempts to gain any control over her own life, she is wresting that control away from him. She has no rights. She does not actually exist, in his view. She is an extension of him. I believe that, for psychopaths, sex and control are all bound up together.

Psychopath used sex, from our beginning, to take away my autonomy. He violated me sexually by having sex with all my friends, neighbors, associates, so that I could not turn anywhere without being confronted by the sickening awareness of Psychopaths sexaul betrayals. He had sex with other women in my bed. He humiliated me, in all social settings by having sexually charged conversations with other women, in my presence, often stranding me somewhere with our babies, while he disappeared for hours, with one of these women.

I did not have a jealous or suspicious bone in my body when I met the psychopath. But, OF COURSE, I developed those traits. It actually took a long time, and tremendous effort on psychopath's part. I did not understand that behavior. Because it ran contrary to the wisdom of my heart, I remained innocent for a ridiculously long time. While psychopath was setting me up to become his invention, he constantly planted the concept, in my mind and the minds of all observers, that our problems were the result of my irrational jealousy and suspicion. This worked perfectly, in later years, when he had perfected his act so that he did not behave, in obvious ways, in front of others, but seduced women by pretending to be suffering from my irrational jealousy and control of him.

Psychopath turned every issue, in later years, into one about sex (and MY mental sickness about it). It did not matter if we argued over who was to get the water softener salt, psychopath turned the argument into one about my torture of him over sexual issues. This thing he had done to me became HIS absolute out.

When we went through a horrible time, while he was working for a mental health agency (a problem-ridden time which had NOTHING to do with sex), he was befriended by 2 female therapists on the staff. I asked him how he characterized our problems to them. He said, "I told them I made a few mistakes years ago, and that you have never been able to let it go."

Psychopath was the sole creator of this fiction. No matter how hard I tried to stay away from the subject, HE invariably brought it up within seconds of any conflict, "Now you're going to start telling me how I slept with all your firends. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself."

This speaks of 2 things to me, now. One is that psychopath contructed a reality in which he tortured me, sexually, while creating an illusion of the opposite, that I tortured HIM sexually. The other is that sex was his ultimate soul-destroying weapon. I have read that sexual abuse is absolutely the most damaging, that it destroys the souls of children (and I think it has the potential of doing that to adults, too). This makes sense because, when you think of sex, as an expression of love, in order for it to work, the person who loves has to surrender her being, her separateness, for a moment, and allow herself to fall backward, over something that feels like a waterfall. She has to relinquish control, abandon her boundaries. This can be a spiritual experience, and in its truest, purest expression, it IS a spiritual experience. Thus, sex can be a vehicle of ultimate healing power, or a vehicle of ultimate destructive power. It is a question of WHO and WHAT is in control in the moment that the woman (in this case) relinquishes control. I have no doubt that the psychopath recognizes (perhaps not consciously) the exploitative potential of sex as a weapon to destroy at the deepest level. Mine used it to breathtaking perfection.


kris


Now, I want to expand on the effects of psychopath's sexual torture. Because of his many affairs, and the way they were stuffed in my face, and his incessant fantasizing in my ear about sex with other women during sex with me, I became unable to have sexual feelings as myself. As myself, I was so bloody wounded by psychopath's betrayals that I could not experience erotic feeling without hellish pain so overwhelming it shut me down.

I was so, so, so determined to overcome "my problem" and continue to satisfy psychopath's "needs" that I never once allowed "my problem" to get in his way. Instead, I dissociated and became whatever woman psychopath was fantasizing about. In other words, I became the woman psychopath was cheating on me with, in my inner identity, my sexual identity. Inevitably, as I approached and crossed the threshold, that place where you let go of all control, and fall backwards (body falling, spirit rising), I ascended, not into paradise, but I descended into hell. That moment was rich with all of kris's agony, the recognition that I had just participated in another annihilation of my self, another soul murder, another debasement to the bottom of the world.

Sometimes, when we were not being sexual, I talked to psychopath about "my problem", very gently, hoping "we" could work on solving it together. Psychopath's most usual reaction was extreme self-pity. "Wow, that really hurts me to know that something that is so special to me actually hurts you. I don't know if I can get past that." (Poor thing to be so burdened by my problems.)

So, in sexual situations, I was careful to keep "my problem" to myself. Psychopath never noticed that I suffered a descension into hell at the big moment. And he might stop the fantasizing for a week, after a discussion, but he never stopped it for long. So I guess he was able to transcend my thoughtless burdening of him with my problems.

This speaks to what I was describing, in my previous post, that the psychopath is able to cause almost limitless destruction to his victim, to her soul, to actually take her soul to hell, repeatedly, through the weapon of sexual torture. And all the while he is doing it, he paints her as HIS abuser. She is always hurting HIM, not the other way around. The psychopath has all the exits covered.

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#513 - 08/13/02 04:50 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris,

So much of what you share in this post speaks to what happened with my psychopath too. I never viewed the open flirtations with other women in my presence as humiliating. I was hurt by it, but stuffed the pain/anger and just felt miserable about it. Now I realize that the hurt I felt was the pain of humiliation.

The next sentence stopped me cold: "As myself, I was so bloody wounded by psychopath's betrayals that I could not experience erotic feeling without hellish pain so overwhelming it shut me down"... Kris, I have gone and am still going through something like this too. I was aware of it, but am still not able to put it into words yet. I think when I realized this part was happening, I was amazed that I could be so F-d up emotionally, actually F-d OVER BY THE Psychopath, that even this aspect of my life would malfunction. Thank you for expressing it so clearly. I was with Psychopath for only 5 years total.

I am in awe of your strength to have survived after so much longer.

God bless you,

-Leti

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#514 - 08/13/02 05:07 PM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Beenthere,

You wrote: "In the beginning though, while he is wooing you and the sex is great, he is still out there looking for his next victim."

This was the most difficult of his betrayals for me. It was when the relationship, if what he said was true, was totally perfect in every way. It was when I should have walked, and didn't. I guess the writing was on the all back then, and I chose to ignore it, and to believe his words instead.

One of my friends tried to tell me, and I was so twisted by then that I thought she wanted him for herself. (Duh!!! maybe she did, but it still would have been her loss and my gain to get rid of him.)

Anyway, I had never felt such pain as with that first betrayal, and some others that happened in the first 18 months. And I spent so much time trying to change myself so that he would become faithful. What a sick situation. Looking back, everything after the first 18 months was like rolling downhill. And I was in such a confused, hurting state all the time that I was almost numb to what happened later on.

-Leti

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#515 - 08/14/02 11:16 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Leti, I absolutely see this sexual abuse as the most vile, pernicious abuse in the psychopath's repertoire. I suffered every kind of abuse, emotional, physical, psychological, but the sexual abuse was, without question, the most agonizing and deeply, deeply damaging. Sexual abuse is abuse to every level of a person's being. It reaches into one's core humanity and poisons and destroys.

Sex, "intercourse", is a physical metaphor for spiritual intercourse. It is one of 2 acts in physical human life in which the boundaries of human separateness are penetrated, and it mirrors the spiritual concept of love. The other act is violence and murder, and this mirrors the spiritual concept of hate.

The psychopath is a vessel of hate masquerading as a vessel of love. Sex, to him, is a weapon of destruction, a hateful act, a means of penetrating to the victim's innermost being, and doing violence to her soul.

The victim cannot protect herself because the very nature of sex is surrender, opening the self, and surrendering it to the other.

The open flirtations with other women hurt because they humiliated you, and put your head down lower. You were being devalued. A man honors a woman with his sexual interest, if it well-intentioned and respectful of her as a person. When a man turns this interest on other women in the presence of his wife, he is saying he does not honor his wife with his interest...he honors another. The wife feels stripped of her value and ashamed to be who she is. Whether or not your husband is sexually happy and bonded with you goes to the core of your feeling about yourself, and your comfort within your own skin. I can remember feeling like I was covered in wads of loose squishy flesh from the feeling of the shame on my skin (and I wasn't, lol).

"The next sentence stopped me cold: "As myself, I was so bloody wounded by p's betrayals that I could not experience erotic feeling without hellish pain so overwhelming it shut me down"... Kris, I have gone and am still going through something like this too."

When your shame in your sexual identity becomes intolerable, you cease to occupy yourself there. You say you have this problem, and you were only with the psychopath five years. Leti, by the time I was with my psychopath five years, I was already waging war with this demon. I do think you have a shot at healing in this area. I do not believe I do because I stayed 25 more years. What has a possibility of working for me may be different for you. But I know I will never attempt sex unless I love a man with all my heart, and I am certain that he loves me the same. It's similar to mind over matter. Love over body may have a chance of prevailing. I am 50. I have not made love as myself since I was perhaps 23.

I didn't survive, Leti. I just kept going.

May God bless us both,
kris


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#517 - 08/15/02 06:02 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Please excuse me for signing in here, and up till now I didn't feel it entirely right to do so.

When my ex wife was a young wife, a new young wife, she used to smell like hell often. It was horrible. One afternoon we were to go up to her parents place. She turned up at the appartment, and she really looked her worst- lank greasy hair, oily skin, and of course smelling awful. I said, why don't you have a bath? She said- oh I'll leave it till we get there. And she did, so I got two hours driving with this hellish aroma in the car.

Shortly after we got there, her Dad made a comment about her appearance. I didn't hear what she said, but he turned to me with a funny look and said,"Yeh, you've got your man now". But then he repeated it with as hateful a look directly at me as I have ever seen. I swear it damned near knocked me down.

Long after that, when we were getting divorced, she told me about how she had had to go to school in extremely poor hygienic conditions. It occurred to me that her Dad had apparently liked her like that. And in going up in such a disgraceful state - married now - she was giving him the finger as if to say, here you are, now you can't have me.

To understand this appalling image you have to see a beautiful young woman, and a well off middle class home.

But she always liked him as far as I knew and saw. He was regularly in our home, in this country and that, always treating the undersigned with a just restrained enough contempt for me not to eject him.

The most odd circumstance of which I have ever heard happened to me. Just amazing. What a fool I was.

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#518 - 08/15/02 07:28 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Laura, I know that if my husband had been like yours, he'd have had a true believer in me. That kind of focused sexual attention makes a woman feel so claimed, so wanted, needed, bonded. I had almost forgotten because of what life with my husband was like, but he was like that, in our beginning. Before we lived together, we spent entire weekends in bed. I remember him taking me back to his cabin for a weekend, driving over a bridge at 100 mph, then once in his house, turning me upside down and shaking me out of my hip hugger jeans because he couldn't get the zipper down fast enough. Having sex for literally hours at a time, rest briefly, start over. I had never had a relationship like that. I felt like he was starving and I was the only food on the planet.

His sexual humiliation of me began before we married. But the moment we were married, something else changed, too. His hunger for me. Suddenly, it was as if he'd always just finished a big meal, and I was cold spinach left on the plate.

I know what you mean about feeling raped after your husband expressed such need for you, and then abandoned you just 24 hours later. I felt some version of that, after being the tantalizing steak in a hungry man's eyes, and then reverting to cold porridge overnight. I well remember the feelings of confusion and rejection. What happened to you, in an instant, happened to me over 30 years. I gradually realized that the focused sexual attention had not been passion born of love. You realized it the moment you realized he had left just after expressing such need and passion. And it does feel alot like rape.

(((laura)))

kris

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#520 - 08/15/02 08:51 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris,

Unfortunately there was a whole heap more evidence, and my fear is that some of it is walking around, and its been giving me the willies for about six years since the extraordinary supposition came into my head. It fits the facts and not just selected facts. And it fits the circumstantial aspects - all of them.

Regards


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#521 - 08/15/02 11:11 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


As has been discussed, on this thread, sex is a portal into the depths of a human being, into the soul. It is not random coincidence that sex is the ultimate expression of love, although we may tend to forget that, in these times when we can turn on the tube and hear whole families bantering back and forth about the purely physical mechanics of sex, according it the same weight and sacredness as a soccer match. But no matter how desensitized we become to the sacred in life, the laws which govern the sacred remain the same. Sex is a sacred act, capable of opening a portal between the physical realm and the spiritual realm, through which a soul can pass from one realm to the other. This is what happens when a child is conceived, and this is what happenes when "two souls are joined as one" or two people experience the sacred while joined as one.

Doubters might say, "Oh, please, animals have sex and conceive. They are hardly expressing the sacred in themselves when they do." But human beings are not animals. We share in the nature of animals, and we also share in the nature of God. We occupy a realm, spiritually, above the animals. Not that animls have no spiritual nature, but theirs is different. Animals actually are amoral. Governed by instinct, they have not been gifted with free will. Humans have the choice to honr the sacred in their sexual selves, or to serve the animal in their sexual selves.

A person who is disconnected from the sacred in themselves and others, disconnected from their soul, from God, behaves sexually, according to their instinctive animal nature. The sexual self is not mediated by higher impulses. Wherever such people see sex, they take. I believe that it is common for psychopathic (or otherwise personality-disordered) parents to "take" from their own children. And that this is one of the links between psychopathic parents and psychopathic offspring (only one, and not a factor in every case).

What happens to the sexually abused child? How does this stunt the child's capacity to love? A child experiences love through how the parent "loves" him/her. The child's soul is somewhat more naked and accessible than an adult's soul. Part of the work of becoming an adult is the development of boundaries, which comprise the self, and protect the naked soul. The very young child is enmeshed with the mother, and real mother love aims to guide the child in development of his separate self. Real mother love is love of the child, "the other". False mother (or father) love is really love of the self, and perhaps unconsciously, but out of the drives of its true nature, seeks to claim the soul of "the other" (child) for its OWN self-gratification. The child's value to such a parent is its potential for gratifying the selfish drives of the parent.

When a parent touches a child sexually, the child experiences a cataclysmic horror, like being eaten by the parent. The loving guardian transforms into a devouring monster. Whatever fragile boundaries of self have begun to develop are shattered for there is simply no deeper intrusion into the sacred realms of a human being than the sexual path which leads right into the soul. This is death to a small child. Soul death. He has no means of protecting his soul.

Often, I believe, such children will remain the infantile primordial soup that they were born. They will never develop a self. And a self is necessary for directing the work of making choices and becoming a full-fledged human being. They will view the world as a pool of sharks out to devour them, shark eat shark, have to eat the other sharks first.

However, I don't believe that this result is written in stone, either. I know that my husband's mother molested him. She used to carry on to me about how she always thought she would die of jealousy if her son ever got married, that she used to gaze at his little manhood and think it would kill her if he...you know. She was such a fool she had no idea how sick and wrong her attitude was. And I so bought the "wonderful mother crap" that it took me years to figure it out. But I also know my husband molested my two daughters (I did not know it until a few years ago). And, while both of them are deeply scarred, and misguided about some things, both have hearts, and the ability to make moral choices. They have selves, boundaries. They are walking the path of full-fledged human beings.

So while early childhood sexual abuse is, without a doubt, in my view, a contributing factor in the formation of some psychopaths, it does not necessarily equal a psychopath, either.

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#522 - 08/15/02 03:01 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris, its easy to see how upbringing can damage a person, in fact its obvious. But I am convinced that remorselesness is pure genetic. I mean, if a guy is going to mess around with his kid, there's something seriously wrong, and his kid will have it. Anyway, I don't give a stuff about her- she fluttering around the old Bast--d when he was sixty five. And her cronish mother - that was a good expression you used- "a ridiculous woman". She was a Doctor alright- she probably worked a combined total from beginning to end of seven years, and considered herself as a dear and glorious physician. I wouldn't have trusted her to get nits out of her own hair. She was another one who was "dying" about twenty years before she actually made good and keeled over good and well. I was in Karachi when I heard the news. I ordered a Gin and Tonic from room service instantly. (Not entirely straightforward in Karachi, so to lessen the pain of the evening's administration with filling in the forms, I actually ordered four. I got them too). Three days later her younger sister keeled over. All that lot were oohing and ahhing that dear Mother in Law had "come for her". My remark at the time to my dear ex wife was that if I had any idea of the principle, that kind of thing didn't happen from heaven. Anyway, younger sister had been the favourite aunt of ex wife and dear brother in law. They didn't bother to stay for the funeral a couple of days later. Cool eh? Regards

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#523 - 08/15/02 03:23 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Well, none of us really knows for sure what makes a psychopath. But we do see certain factors over and again. And other psychopaths in the family is certainly one of those things.

One thing most of us agree on is that the families of the psychopaths...at least the ones we married...were not our favorite people. (Nor were we theirs!)

Happily, most of us unloaded a whole train carload of unpleasant characters when we dumped the psychopath. I spent last weekend with my daughter. She was exclaiming over her great joy and relief in being rid of all her nauseating relatives, and she's only 26, got a baby, and you might think she would feel some sadness at having no big extended family to share it all with, but nothing of the sort. She does have that on her partner's side, and she has me, and her sister's family, and she's pleased as punch to be rid of the rest.

There are actually a few of them I can bear, but not one that I miss.

As my daughter puts it, "I never felt that any of those people loved me." And that is true even of the best of them. None of them loved us because we weren't part of the sticky incestuous communal glob that is "them".


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#524 - 08/18/02 03:47 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris,
I am having difficulty thinking about the psychopath and sex topic and have not posted for a while. There is something you wrote about surviving vs "I just kept going". I don't want to be argumentative, but would like respond to it.
I don't know the exact definition of a survivor, but to me it is a person who keeps going. A victim stops. Those who keep going, will eventually find their way through and out of the situation, or the situation around them will change. It also seems to me that to be a survivor does not mean to be free of scars or pain after getting out. It simply means to keep going.

There is a book about a small child who survived a horrendous battle here. It is a true story, and the child wrote it after becoming an adult. Although it is told as an autobiography, and is slso about the facts of the battle as seen through a child's eyes. The book is about war as experienced by a non-combatant, and it is about survival. This child was about 5 or six when the battle began. She lost EVERYone and every thing. She had no idea where she was located, nor where she was headed. She just kept walking. She ate the supplies of dead soldier from both armies. She ate anything she could dig out of the ravaged earth. She had no awareness of what was going on other than the fact that her current surroundings were horrible, and she was hungry, she was dirty, and she was living through a nightmare. She walked alone, in the wrong direction, through the worst part of the battle, without knowing where she was going. She later learned that she had walked in a circle, and even ended up near where she had started. She slept in craters created by shelling. She is a survivor, she didn't even have an awareness of anything beyond the few yards of terrain that was her immediate physical surroundings... She is a survivor, she just kept going. Eventually she was in a safe place, mostly because the battle had ended. She survived not because of her knowledge, skill, or a plan to get out. She survived simply because she "kept going".

-Leti

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#525 - 08/19/02 07:22 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Leti,

I totally agree with you about being the most difficult of betrayals. Finding out that he was out there still looking just floored me. Even when I confronted him about this, he would deny and then said he forgot about it. For a long time, I blamed myself. I should have walked right then, but I didn't. I thought may be he won't find someone else or tried not to think it. I was in denial. What we need to realize, Leti, that we could look absolutely perfect and he would still be out there because that is the way he is---getting his thrills from chasing. I think that emotional intimacy is not in their vocabulary and for most of us, that is a very difficult for us to understand. Beenthere

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#526 - 08/19/02 08:11 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Leti, Thank you for the beautiful story. You have lifted my self esteem up several notches. You are so right. Survival isn't about being unscathed, unscarred, in perfect health, strong as an ox. It's so easy to forget that in this culture in which we are all supposed to be flashing smiles full of blinding white perfect teeth as we flex our strong tanned bodies while jogging through surf. Had I been untouched by my life with the psychopath, while it's true I would not be chronically ill, broke and sexually dysfunctional, I would also not be clear about who I am, I would not know God, I would not be 50 years old, I would have remained 20, clueless and vulnerable to psychopaths.

You lose some things. You gain others.

Thank you.

kris

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#531 - 08/22/02 11:37 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris,

When I read this post I could see you with a tan running down the beach with your hairing flying in all directions. I've just recently found this site as I've posted a few times before. Since then I've read almost all of your posts. What you do here is amazing. You are rich in wisdom and compassion. You are beautiful in being open and sharing the tragedy of your experience. We are all vulnerable at any age. We need to help keep each other well and from harm's way. Would you have touched and supported so many so deeply had you not been through all of this?

50 is a cool age, in any condition. To truly know God is cool too. I didn't know him before my p in the way I know him now.

If one thing could change in your life right now that would make the biggest difference to you, what would it be?

C.

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#532 - 08/23/02 12:16 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Been there,

How very true, the more and the more taboo the better to a p.

I recall after I'd been with my p a few months and we were on vacation he looked down at me when I was laying on the bed and he said "You really ARE beautiful." It bothered me for years until a few months before I finally left him. Last summer he said to me one day, "You really ARE beautiful." I said nothing to him either time.

But now I can see all the other times he had said it to me or to any one else on the hook at the time, it was a line. He didn't mean it, only those two times. For some reason those were about the only two times I ever believed him. He hated me really. He loved the illusion and the trap he made for me, not me. He was seeing a former girlfriend who was a lawyer throughout our relationship. She wasn't beautiful in the physical sense. But I wonder about the lies he told her about me. She was never my adversary except when I dreamed he was with her when he passed me over. He used to tell me I was jealous, which I wasn't. I just finally got so hung up on wanting to know the truth and was so unprepared for what was really happening. He's out there still preying on teengagers and nieces, maybe daughters of his divorced girlfriends. He hated it when his friends liked me. I stil can hardly comprehend this type of evil exists and goes unrecognized and unpunished.

What is it that gets us through?

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#533 - 08/23/02 10:04 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cooper, Thank you so much. Your words have touched me in the place where I live. No, I wouldn't have been able to touch others suffering as I have had I not suffered it myself. This has become the major gift I see as my life having given me. Almost everything else was taken away. But this is what I have to show for my life. I understand good and evil. And I may be able to help others understand it. That is true of all of us. We help each other understand.

If one thing in my life could change right now that would make the biggest difference to me it would be publication of my book. I have been working to achieve this every day for six months. I feel a burning, driving commitment to seeing this book make its way into the world. If that happened, I could die a happy woman (I'm not dying, just a an image of the importance of this to me.)

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#534 - 08/23/02 10:18 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

I'd like to welcome you to the forum, belated as it may be.
I just read back through your posts and can see that you identify with a lot of what the posters have written on the threads.

What traits did you personally observe and experience that lead you to believe you were involved with a psychopath?

Sincerely,
Cherie

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#535 - 08/23/02 01:18 PM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cherie,

It was quite a long time before I finally figured it out. I didn't realize the kind of evil he is actually existed.

He is a pathological liar, he used me and others malicously, he lives in a bubble by no one else's rules, he likes the dark, he lives a parasitic lifestyle, he thinks he deserves things from others, he's been an alcoholic for almost 40 years and a sex addict for almost the same. Once he's done with you he discards you, but you give him still a glimmer or interest and he knows that there is adoration and interest. He wants, he gets. I have horror stories of almost everyday of my life with him. They match others that are on this site.

Nothing in my life with him made sense. My frame of reference disintegrated. He lied to everyone behind my back and he is so charming everyone believed him before I even knew what was going on. He cares about nothing except pleasing himself in the current moment. I've read everything I can get my hands on by Dr. Hare and all the checklists descriptions fit my p to a tee.

Initially I could have left the relationship and thought it would have ended because of his drinking, the other women, the psychological abuse, etc. but I've somehow had the opportunity to see the true BIG picture. I learn more all the time. I'm starting over and each day I am more firmly committed to figure out what this experience was supposed to be in my life. Like Kris, I have also been writing a book. It has broadened my perspective and my appreciation for things like mercy and compassion, and resiliency and character. Regaining your integrity is the best thing you can do. It doesn't come back in an instant, but it keeps you centred once it starts coming back.

My journey has just started.

Hope this helps.

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#536 - 08/24/02 08:08 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

Thank you for responding and being willing to share some of what you've experienced. Although I can hear from what you've written that you've been through such pain and degradation, I also hear your hope and committment to healing coming through.

You wrote:

"Regaining your integrity is the best thing you can do. It doesn't come back in an instant, but it keeps you centred once it starts coming back."

Thanks for the uplifting words.
Cherie



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#537 - 08/26/02 07:01 AM Re: Sex and the p
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cooper,

I only got the "beautiful" line in the beginning twice and I believe that was to get his emotional hooks in.
Yes, I agree with the more taboo, the better.

To go on more about what you wrote, I don't think physcial beauty means much to the p. For a long time, I believed I was not good looking enough for him and now I think one could be as beautiful as a Miss America contestant and the p would still be out trying to get his next victim. For the p, it all has to do with the chase and getting and everything seems to be so wonderful. In reality, the p is using all his charm in the getting, then being bored (why, I don't know) and then off to the next victim.

I, too, do not understand this evil and as I posted before, I am bitter that he continues to do what he is doing and is not held accountable. However, he is not breaking the law---he is breaking hearts and souls and there are no laws against that. What gets us though? I hope that he is breaking God's law and in some way, he will have to answer to what he is doing.

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#538 - 10/06/02 12:31 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris. . .thank you for the hug. . .this week has been the week from hell. . i have gone the gamaut of hating myself for being SO stupid. . .it seems like a story out of a really bad novel. I am so grateful God led me to this forum. In reading through the posts, I believe I have found an answer.

The Bible speaks of people like this, I just wasn't aware i knew any of them. well, that's not entirely true, there were times I thought of it but thought it unChristian to entertain thoughts like that. iIwas SO idealistic, although my instincts warned me, my heart wanted to believe the lie.

I had a horrible experience this week. That is what led me here. I'll try to describe what happeded as soft as I can. I really am looking for answers.

The p i WAS involved with was very careful never to lead me on. Just said enough to let me fill in the blanks. I had thought periodically over the years my husband might be a p. A counseler had suggested it to me once but he had problems with alchol so we labeled it that. After reading through the forum. . .he's a p. I have been connected to him for over 30 years. In and out of marriages with him. You gotta know, he was a master at the good p to suck me in. The last time we got married, he worked on it five years. Five minutes after the cermony. . .out comes the bad p never to go back to the good p. What a surprise. I'm really over this p.

So, on the cusp of all this. . .enter p #2. Very good looking, smart, educated, successful, nice, kind, encoouraging, validating, attentive, sensitive. Very low key, no pressure, no overt passes. Just offering friendship. I had the sense that he was interested but i was married and really was not looking to have an affair. I was however, starved, literally starved for love and attention. So. . . anytime he called, I welcomed it. Wanted to do lunch. . . I was there. Coffee. . . just tell me where and what time! And calls, morning, noon and night, on weekends too! I was beginning to sense he was becoming a BIG part of my life. All of this is on a friendship (LOL ) level. I was getting concerned about it, but it felt so good to have someone checking on my saftey, my whereabouts, concern for me as a person, I didn't want to give it up. He never said the words, but, who needed them the actions were speaking for themselves. After 150 years with p #1. (they are like dog years right) it was like pouring water on a parched, starved desert. I opened up like a rose. Truly, it was the first time i really ever fell in love. This went on for almost three years as a friendship and in a very vulnerable moment I caved. After I caved. . .so did he. I was traumatized.

This may sound weird but I had to stay connected until I could figure it all out. It has taken six years. He is a p. God help me. I do not want to be a p magnet.

i met P#1 while seperated from my first husband. i would say I was in love as much as i knew about it at the time. As the years and the abuse went by, I knew enough to know this was not love. I listened to other people tell me about my obligation and responsibily to my marriage vows. He (p#1) was a profile p. I see that now. Charm, personality, good looks, nice car, money (temporarily) liar, sneak, thief. gambler, pervert. If he was a woman chaser, he was really discreet but I "had the feeling" ALOT ( one time he got crabs and iIknow he didn't get it from me). He helped me believe he picked them up from a toliet seat. yeahh, right. .

so. . .p #2 is actually the p who pushed me over the edge. i fell in love with this p. . .oh wait. . fell in love with the illusion.
Fast forward. . .six years trying to figure this out. Truly, I was traumitized. I kept thinking about "how is was" and "when is it going back" "I thought you cared" "what did i do" I never said those words to him but I said them to myself. All the time. And because this was a SECRET, I had no one to talk to. . .it sounds so sinister now.
I has been one stab in the back after another. And me, still trying to figure it out. You know as I'm writing this, it is hard to believe this is ME I'm writing about. Is this part of the "spell". ok. . .here's the part i gotta get out. i'll trust you can read between the lines. a few nights ago he wanted to "be with me" i drove a LONG way to get there and it was fairly late when i arrived. i had a glass of wine, we talked briefly and then . . .
i'm going to flash back here, when i read some of the other posts about closed eyes, stone silence. . .it was like reading about who i was with! scary. . .
well, this was really weird, but i overlooked it (red flag) he went around and gathered all my stuff and put it in one pile. i still wonder about that. . .i mean he commented on it, made a point of it.

then, it's true what you say in the love and surrender portion of your post, cause that is me for sure.
then. . . .he didn't ask. . .but wanted me to do something i was not comfortable with and didn't. then. . .oh God, this is awful. . .he took care of himself. . .violently. . . even screamed. Thank God for the wine or i would have probably freaked out. but you know what i thought. . . wow. . .he really must trust me to do something like that in front of me. this guy has a very COOL persona. i promise you, i NEVER expected that. i mean, why, i was RIGHT THERE. you know what i'm saying, why not with me. . .

then. . .we talked, more wine, more . . ..

then. . .it's really late and he indicates i gotta go. now where we were was quite isolated and dark winding roads. between being late the wine and the afterglow, i should not have been driving. i was somewhere i had never been before and was totally unfamiliar with the territory. it was Gods hand on me that night that i made it home, i KNOW it was. oh, by the way, he still does not know if i made it home safe. . .no call as yet several days later.

when i woke up the next morning i felt like i was drugged. I could barely move. Then I started peicing it all together. Did he deliberately set me out there. if something happened, no big deal. . . Nothing to tie him to it. . .if you know what i mean. And to this day, he still had not called to see if I made it safely home.

Maybe it is just a coinsidence but it has really shaken and scared me. Like I said before. . .stories inside of stories. . .

My days with this person is over. I feel like a narrowly escaped.

If my post was to graphic, I'm not sure, but I think I see the tone of the posts. I didn't know how to say it any other way. . .it was All so WEIRD and I desperately need feedback. Would you be willing to share your thoughts here. . . you really seem to have a firm but compassionate and honest grasp of this. I know I'm rambling around alot, but it's all rumbling around inside of me and I'm just trying to get it out.
gratefully,
finished

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#539 - 10/06/02 01:36 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,

I'm sorry, but I didn't follow what happened.

"then. . . .he didn't ask. . .but wanted me to do something i was not comfortable with and didn't. then. . .oh God, this is awful. . .he took care of himself. . .violently. . . even screamed..."

I won't ask you to explain what did happen, but I will ask...was it something that made you feel unsafe? Was it an act of violence, which you felt might have gone a different way? Might have entailed physical harm to you?

I do get a bad feeling from his lack of a call as to your safety.

If this is the case, once in the situation, you played it smart and got yourself out of there intact.

I absolutely understand how traumatized you feel right now. I'm glad you found the forum. You might want to contact your local battered women's group about attending some support group sessions. And you may want to seek counseling to help you work through your stress, and loss of autonomy.

It gets better from this point. I hear in your words that you are through with repeating these types of experiences.

kris


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#540 - 10/06/02 02:09 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished, Your post inspired some additional thought which I feel could benefit all of us former psychopath's victims (me included).

I think it may be possible that, by sharing our psychopath experience with new men, we sometimes interest closet psychopaths in us.

I am reading between the lines that P#2 became interested in you during a time in which you were confiding details about your life with your husband with him.

I'll tell you something that happened to me. A few years ago I was still living with my psychopath husband, and just burning in hell, desperate to escape. I was pathetically still in love with the monster, and had difficulty imagining that I could extract myself without a very potent DIStraction from my yearning. I thought maybe a substitute man was the answer. I quickly located one on love@aol. I wasn't completely nuts. I recognized the man's name, though we had never met. We had talked because I had considered joining his writer's group several years earlier. I thought, great, he's 2 years older than me, we're both writers, we had even had the same agent at one time.

I met him for lunch, and learned he shared almost exactly the same family configuration with my psychopath husband. Same birth order, number of kids, rural upbringing. Lots of other parallels. "Somebody" was trying to tell me something. I wasn't listening. I thought it a good idea to share as much of my personal history as possible, weed him out if he wasn't going to sensitive to my special needs. I didn't have all day to find a new man.

After our lunch I had a bad feeling about him. He had flirted with the waitress in a really intrusive and obnixious way, like angry hostile flirting, He had insulted me, complaining that my hair wasn't blonde as it appeared in my picture, the moment he laid eyes on me.

But, hey...he seemed to like me...he kept e-mailing after that...and "a bird in the hand"...you know... Then came the dirty jokes. I e-mail laughed weakly. Then came the dirty pictures. I took his name out of my address book. Thank God he was neither patient nor subtle.

I have gone out one time in my year since leaving Psychopath, and engaged with a man. Dancing. I shared my background with him, too. Then I got a funny feeling about him. I stopped it before anything started.

If we do meet a psychopath, he is going to be very interested if he thinks he's found a fertile victim. I now think it is not a good idea to share this kind of history with any potential love interest. Get to know somebody first. Then share very cautiously.

This also illustrates why it is important to fully separate from a bad relationship, particularly one with a psychopath, before entering into a new relationship. As we separate and heal, we change, we grow awareness of what happened. If one doesn't do this, one often finds oneself in the same kind of relationship because it still "fits".

kris

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#541 - 10/06/02 03:05 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


thank you again for your response.

i apologize for my rambling.

P#2 was very perceptive. He only knows sketchy details of my life. P#1 worked in a different state and lived with me a few months a year. This went on for years. Being married but without a partner kept me from having married friends and i didn't fit with the singles either because i was married. So my life was my kids. I focused on what i had which was a lot but I longed for a friend, a soulmate someone to just share with. Most people describe me a a "chirpy, cheerleader type" . I have a lot of energy (thank you God) and try to be optimisic. My outlook on life is pretty positive. But underneath the stong exterior is a real human being who wants to love and be loved. Things I NEVER got from P#1. P#2 just started being there. I shared very little because of the shame of it all. Who wants admit to living through the atrocities I did. He didn't press and I didn't offer anymore than I was asked. Really, I enjoyed his company, being around him, talking to him. He came into my life. I did not pursue him but i didn't discourage him either. One day, i realized i loved this person. Maybe I was just grateful that somebody saw some value in me and was willing to be my friend. Heaven knows P#1 didn't. This is what was going on for almost three years before we became intimiate. That moment was the beginning of the end of the illusion.

You are correct. I need time to heal. I have been dealling with two p's for years. Maybe I over reacted to the described senerio. On one hand I'm looking for love and the other hand the evidence it's not there. I think it is a reaction to the way love is expressed through a p. . .hate.

Thank you for taking time to share.
finished

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#542 - 10/06/02 03:25 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finsihed, It gives me chills that you didn't really share much about your personal life with P#2, yet he primed you for almost 3 years in order to hurt, reject, humiliate you. How do they know? Are we wearing a sign or something? Almost everyone I've ever met who has had one of these experiences has had more than one.

But we can heal and we can change. And we can attract other kinds of men. I have met women who have done that, too.

kris

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#543 - 10/06/02 03:48 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


kris-
because this thing was a big secret i haven't been able to share with anyone. You hit the nail on the head. That was exactly what I thought when it immediately started caving in. It was like he wanted me, but when he got me. . .he hated me for loving him. . .for expressing any feelings at all. I mean, what was the point. In another post, i read, it is all about the chase. I don't know if it is a good or bad quality to give others the benefit of the doubt. Well not good with a p. But maybe i just needed to come to this place with him that I could no longer deny the truth and keep hoping the lie would come true. The reality of this is intense.
oh how i thank you for letting me share. . .I am so relieved to get this out of my head. There was no one to tell. . .
Gratefullly
Finished

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#544 - 10/13/02 07:03 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


> This also illustrates why it is important to fully separate from a bad relationship, particularly one with a psychopath, before entering into a new relationship.

Wow, after reading through all these threads, I realize how I fell so easily into a predator's hands. After 23 years in a relationship with a kind person, but sexually dysfunctional, I was starved for sexual attention, to feel like a woman who was desired. I immediately attracted someone who I know now is a psychopath. I just ended the relationship after 2 months of abuse, which began almost right after the affair began. At first, I thought it was a matter of PTSD with BPD (bad enough), as his last wife commited suicide and he was severely traumatized (this was 4 years ago). But now I'm sure he drove her to suicide. My hair stands on end after reading through these threads.

The pattern fits so exactly, from sympathy for my starved sexual life, giving incredible great sex lasting for hours at the beginning (but little or no foreplay), hints about his group marriage "hippie" friends, just hang and enjoy playing, then learning about daily pot smoking, other substance abuse, no visible signs of income, lying about other relationships, hysterical jealousy if I talk even about a male friend, walking away from me or changing the subject if I talked about myself, making up illnesses so I would take care of him (and of course, not up for sex), miraculous recoveries only to ditch our date and make sure I knew he was going to spend the time with another woman.

Finding this forum is like finding the calm center of the eye of a hurricane. The pattern is so well-defined. I can begin to put the pieces of my life together again.

Thank God it was only a short time. But the intense psychological/emotional brutality shut me down sexually for good it feels like...I'm seeking therapy to understand my vulnerabilities and to close these "holes" in my personality. I went from passive abuse to active abuse. It was like taking candy from a baby.

Much love to everyone!

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#545 - 10/13/02 09:44 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,

"I don't know if it is a good or bad quality to give others the benefit of the doubt. Well not good with a p."

No, this quality does not serve us (or anyone) with a psychopath. The challenge for us maybe was/is to develop a core strength in which we know who we are and what we stand for. As (can't think of her name, but I think is one of the women on "The View") titled her book, "If You Don't Stand For Something, You'll Fall For anything."

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#546 - 10/13/02 09:47 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it, We all fell for it.

Welcome to the forum.

It is so helpful when we discover we are not alone.

kris

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#547 - 10/13/02 06:33 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris -
The interesting thing was, I did know or so I thought. Three years of no demand attention made an inroad to my heart. I thought he loved me. I didn't need the words, his actions were all about it. But there were a few signs even then, I just rationalized them away.
Yes, I fell for it! Lock, stock and barrel!
But now. . .
finished

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#548 - 10/14/02 05:49 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


The first time I fled his house in the middle of the night was after an evening and night of being forced to listen to him rant and rave about his prior marriages and the intimate details of his life with the one who committed suicide. He had been drinking heavily for the past few days because of his "bad" back. This was after 3 nights prior of being awakened in the middle of the night to deal with his "bad back", giving massages, listening to his groans of pain and tossing and turning. I was becoming sleep deprived. His eyes were very strange and this scene, although new in our relationship, seemed familiar. I decided to sleep on the couch, I told him I could not have another night of interrupted sleep.
.
At that point I realized where I had seen those type of eyes before and experienced this type of treatment: my father. The entire family was continually subjected to his demand for total control over where our attention should be focused: on him. He had been eventually diagnosed as bipolar, but now I know this was not true. He was in truth, a psychopath and my mother was his slave. She had no center. You would ask her something about herself, her own feelings and you would get a blank stare...she didn't know how to own herself, my father owned her feelings, her mind, her soul. She only became angry when her children grew up and we left the nest, and she became the sole focus of my father's domination. I did her fighting for her, but it could never be enough. She needed her children to be a buffer for her so she wouldn't have to bear the brunt of this alone.
.
My father used to get upset because he said he could never "break me, get me to cry." I never came to him for advice or help, he wanted me to need him...I refused to need him. He told me that when I was 3, I had misbehaved and he had me in a corner and was hitting me. I wouldn't cry and every time he hit me, I tried to hit him back. However, near the end of his life, I was the only one in the family who received an apology from him. He admitted that he didn't love himself.
.
The surrealness of all this is recognizing this pattern, this feeling of deja vue. And the reptilian stare of those eyes. You cannot escape the uniqueness of that stare, no matter what the color. Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it...how they drill into you, draw you in and capture you. You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you.
.
I went back to this P, thinking I was too over sensitive because of my background, but quickly realized in the past 2 weeks that something was terribly wrong and I was with someone very dangerous, who was intent on "breaking" me and "owning" me. And I broke up for good.
.
This weekend I found this forum and discovered the profound truth of what my parents' relationship had really been. The puzzle pieces fit together now. The bipolar label didn't cover what was really going on. I'm in shock, shaking, but I feel waves of relief rushing through me, I understand now.
.
Knowledge and truth, no matter how horrific, is better than being in the dark.

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#549 - 10/14/02 07:28 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dear I fell for it aka "Iffi" (for short, 'k?), Congratulations on deciphering your own psychopathic familiar pattern and explaining so accurately the reality of the psychopath. Your description of the way the psychopath operates:

"They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."

Yes, Iffi, excellent depiction of what I experienced while still ignorant about the malignant forces in my life.

It makes me really appreciate how far I've come even though the pain of the lessons has been more than I've thought I could bear at times.

Welcome to the forum. Please continue to post! I've enjoyed your honest contribution.

Cherie

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#550 - 10/14/02 08:32 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished, This man sounds especially cold and frightening. It's true, anyone would feel safe about a person after three years of kind, warm, undemanding attention. And if there were only a few signs, in those three years, of course you would rationalize them away. The healthiest of people do that...because everyone knows no one is perfect. The best of people sometimes do or say weird things. Your story gives me chills because it is atypical. It fits a more normal pattern of beginning, and middle, and then this shocking, frightening ending. It makes me wonder...is it possible to have no red flags?

I am not happy with that thought.

kris

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#551 - 10/14/02 08:34 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cherie, I am in AWE of all who have emerged from long-term relationships and are fighting to get their minds/souls back, the courage it must take. Many blessings to you!
.
What scares me is that I was involved for only 2 months and I still want to be with him. I hate to admit this, it feels like I'm fighting a drug addiction. That I still want to be with him scares me to the core. It must be my family history that leaves me so susceptible.
.
And people wonder how voodoo works? Using exactly these techniques, getting into your mind and controlling it. Until it happens to you, you won't believe it. But you don't need to believe it for it to happen to you.


Edited by I fell for it (10/14/02 08:40 AM)

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#552 - 10/14/02 09:09 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it,

Your ability to recognize and describe your feelings will serve you well in your movement toward a healthier self. As you describe your mother's state of being...cut off from her feelings, her center, her self...you can see what is required for survival of the self, and survival of the psychopath experience.

Hearing your story, I had a bit of a deja vu. I have heard similar stories from a number of women: A psychopathic parent. Then a fairly normal adulthood, fairly normal relationships, then...BANG! A psychopath. I don't know how old you are, but I have gotten the impression that this psychopath was not your first major relationship. If this is the case, your story fits this pattern. It seems to me that those of us who had a psychopathic parent are destined to meet psychopathy, in the world, in our adult lives. Horrible as it is, I can not imagine any life experience which offers more of a challenge and opportunity for inner growth. When faced with a psychopath, it is pretty much, grow in inner strength, courage, selfhood, commitment to all that is right and good, or die. Without this inner metal, the psychopath would claim our inner beings for his own selfish purposes.

I can see how your recent experience with a psychopath has led you back into your past. Perhaps it is to reclaim some part of your self that was long ago lost. All in all, you appear to have survived your childhood very well. But anyone in that situation loses some pieces of themselves, which possibly they do very well without, for a number of years. Until they meet a psychopath.

It looks as if this adult experience is, at the very least, going to serve as a conduit, for you, to a deeper understanding of your childhood experience.

By the way, that accommodation of the psychopath "thinking I was too over sensitive because of my background" is classic! My psychopath even began to brainwash me with that nonsense, within a year of our beginning. He knew I was thinking it, and he exploited it to the max. What scheming reptiles they are. And what ripe opportunitites for exploitation they find in the adult children of psychopaths. Somebody else already did alot of the work for them. All they have to do is step in, work the victim's weaknesses, and reap the benefits.

I am wondering, how is your mother now?

kris

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#553 - 10/14/02 10:22 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Oh yes... the drops and trickles of "love" so coldly meted out. The dangling carrot that is always pulled just beyond your reach. When my P decided that "he was no longer in love me me", after two months of love madness, and a marriage proposal, I felt as though I was dropped from the highest pinnacle of heaven onto sharp, jagged rocks in the pit of hell. And, despite his "revelation", he continued to live with me (he had moved in within two weeks after we met), and go back and forth... in love, not in love, in love, not in love. Then the sex stopped. We were to have sex on a "different" level. Physical/emotional intimacy was now relegated to the etheric levels, along with "promises" that this was necessary in order to "get back to where we were." Then just last week, he moved out of my home lock, stock, and barrel, and returned to his blue bus in the desert (no utilities, no water, no nothing out there). As he walked out my door, he said: We are still together. I said: If you drive away, I am done. I will not seek you out. Consequently, I spoiled his plan, refused to bite at the dangling carrot. He called me 3 days later. We met. We talked. The rules had now changed (the rules changed on a weekly, sometimes daily basis). Now we are supposed to be monogamous, yet he will stay at the bus, and I will be in my own space. Monogamous... that's a laugh... hell, we're CELEBIT! What's the point of monogamy, other than to control me without giving me anything in return? My last interaction with him was Saturday night. He came over expecting to stay for the evening, but I wouldn't allow him to do so as I wasn't feeling well. He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish I listened to over a 3 + month period of time. We made plans for him to come over last night. He stood me up. THAT'S his "truth". It's getting cold. I know he is going to want to come back. He doesn't seek out his victims in the wintertime. That's the "bardo" as he calls it. My P runs in seasonal cycles: He emerges in May, finds a victim, falls madly "in love" with her, maintains that stance for approximately 2 months, then commits emotional murder. He blames it on the monthly "dark of the moon", and the turning of the seasons. The "dark of the moon" (new moon) is his renewal time. During that time he would go to his bus, or lock himself in my basement bedroom for 2 days. Fall is a time of isolating in preparation for his "death", which occurs in winter. No sex or affection, because we have to "start from the beginning to truly see each other after the love madness of the spring/summer. Then in winter, I am supposed to be alone, seeing him only occasionally, most likely when he needs something. Always, sex/affection is a promise that may be, yet I am not supposed to "wait" for it to happen. When spring resumes, "so will our love". I supported this P for the most part. I opened my home and heart to him. Now I am alone, wondering what the hell happened. I KNOW he's mentally ill, and so I feel compassion. He is a tortured" souless shell. He wants what others have: Love, a home, money. Yet, he wants nothing to do with earning those things, and others have to follow his rules, which make no sense whatsoever, and make it impossible for him to get what he "wants". I have spoken with his X-wife and his X-girlfriend. They both describe the same scenario. The latter replied to an email I sent her by saying, "My experience with P was filled with extreme pain and chaos. I do not wish to regurgitate the details." BIG SIGH HERE. I still love him because my feelings for him were real. There were no huge red flags waving in the breeze at the onset by the way. No way of knowing I was about to be killed.

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#554 - 10/14/02 10:47 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris, thank you for all your insights. Your posts are so empowering and I've learned so much!
Unfortunately, I didn't wind up unscathed as an adult, had the label of hypomanic. I chose a passive-aggressive man to marry (who was the "kind" version of my father, shared many family history and physical traits. Yikes!). I brought my dysfunction to the relationship and became his hypercritical mother, although that has eased greatly (even by his own admission) in the past years.
We kept playing into each other's screwed up backgrounds. Couples and individual therapy helped a little, but not much. This went on for 22 years.( I had many partners before we were married, he had few.) I went off the deep end in depression and extremely low self-esteem as a woman this summer when my sexual needs were rejected yet once again. I went onto a personal ads site and had no idea that I was waving a flag to "come and exploit me".
I was in a trance state, quite literally, my husband said he had never experienced cruelty like this from me, I was a complete stranger to him. We are separating quite amiably, we both recognize that we've been on a hamster wheel and may not be able to get off it after being in such a pattern for nearly a quarter century. He's definitely not a P, and acknowledges his major issues, as do I. We'll always be good friends and have much sorrow about what we've done to each other over the years.
I'm nearly 50 now. I was responsible for my mother's well-being and intervened to rescue her throughout their life. Both parents are deceased, my father went 3 years before my mother. Both were 80 when they died. My mother had 3 years without my father, she was so broken and disappointed. She didn't know why she did what she did, she just felt she "had to", she felt sorry for my father and his background. She felt she had wasted her life. God, that was so hard to hear as a daughter.
Yes, this is one heck of a conduit into the past. Again, thanks for all your kind words and support. I hope you can get your book out, you have much to give, especially hope!

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#555 - 10/14/02 11:07 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


> He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish.
Senihele: wow, I got a load of this spiritual junk also. He felt I wasn't like the other women, the "cattle", who he claimed he was going to stop seeing. Except that he lied and saw many other women. I explained to him that he didn't have to lie, but I think he did because he didn't want me to date other men, which I didn't.
This type of behavior is probably beyond treatment, so your compassion will be used against you. I hope you can find an exit for yourself, find the light, go towards it and never, never look back.

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#556 - 10/15/02 01:18 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Oh honey. . .I know just what you mean. It has been fifteen days since my episode, yet I would even today appreciate a "sign" that he "cares". Yes, until it happens to you, you can't believe it. I am so glad to have the forum also, it has been my lifeline these past two weeks. My computer crashed Sunday night, I thought I'd lost my best friend. I also appreciate your posting.
finished

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#557 - 10/15/02 02:45 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it:

"The surrealness of all this is recognizing this pattern, this feeling of deja vue. And the reptilian stare of those eyes. You cannot escape the uniqueness of that stare, no matter what the color. Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it...how they drill into you, draw you in and capture you. You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a
single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."

I wouldn't change a word of this passage for a book. It describes the tactics of all Ps flawlessly. I had just this experience, but online. The dynamics were as you describe, right down to the most infinitesimal innuendo. Good is heterogenous, evil is homogeneous. That's all I have to say..... I am glad that comprehension has brought you some solace, as it has for all of us here.
persistent

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#558 - 10/15/02 04:59 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanocecond a single fiber strand of validation, a microscropic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and snsnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."< I've got to print that out and keep it in my wallet!

Just today, I was thinking love was the carrot I was always going for. I thought I saw it once and I wanted it back. I distinctly remember the times his eyes softened but it wasn't often. The last night we were together, the best he could say was "it takes two" I said what does that mean? Really? It is only good when two people want to be together? He said, . . oh. . .something like that. I said. You aren't going to give me anything are you? He mumbled something vague about you know how fragile these things are. . . Me constantly trying to recapture what I thought it was. Of course, it never was. It was the bait. When I took the bait, I was hooked. . .line and sinker. Yes, that's the bait. The hope that maybe this time I'll find what I looking for.

He called last night. I finally took his call (14 days later). He was very upbeat. Hi. . .how are you?

I didn't say, in shock, traumatized, barely have my head on straight. ( I remembered what Betrayed told me, they get off on your pain). But I told him about my horrible ride home. And asked why he didn't call to inquire about my safety. He still can't give me anything. He said he was sorry I was hurt or disappointed and then said, I'll let you go. . . It was anything but comforting. And now I have a new way of thinking. I must remember, it was an inconvience for him for me to have had a problem with any of it. I'll learn.

But see, even then, I was hoping to hear some level of concern. . .Oh God, help me the pain of it is unbelievable. . .

Thanks to I fell for it for a wonderful rendition of the "Pattern".

Bless you all
Finished

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#559 - 10/15/02 05:37 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Quite truthfully, the first trauma started when he didn't call me the next day after the first time we were together. This was a first for me. I felt extremely insecure and desperately needed a little reassurance. As the day passed into the night, you can imagine what I was feeling. Then about 10 that night I get a call and his gruff voice just said, I wondered how your'e doing. It was so impersonal and unemotional. Not what I was hoping for. After that, it quickly began to fall apart. We quit meeting for coffee, lunch and gradually he only called every so often. I felt the most personal rejection. Then I told him I couldn't do this anymore because it was to hard on me. We hadn't been together for almost two years. We have been in relationship thru work but that was it. He started showing interest in me again. Maybe he didn't. . .maybe I was hoping that's what he was doing (but I didin't ask to be with him, he asked me). It was the carrot. I'm always thinking, I'll get the love I want this time, or even the friendship. The loss was devestating. Will I get over this? Does anybody?

I'm spinning. .

Once again I thank you for being there.
finished

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#560 - 10/15/02 08:23 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


(((Finished)))) I am so proud of you. That my words helped you get through that phone call makes me feel good. If I have helped just one person through my experience, that's good enough for me. I'm so glad you have an appointment on Thursday at the womens center. No more contact. It is the only way to heal. Grieve the fact that he is too sick to love, properly. It's such a shame that they have to destroy anything good that comes in their lives. You are going to come out of all this so much stronger than you ever realized possible.
Baby step. Baby step.

Betrayed

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#561 - 10/16/02 08:29 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


God Bless You betrayed. Your words meant more to me than you can imagine. (((((betrayed))))) back. You HAVE helped! MORE than you could know.

>it is a shame that they have to destroy anything good that comes in their lives< Yesterday I thought, it was like if he couldn't have me, he would destroy me. p#1 was like that too. Before he left, I felt very uneasy about a few things he said. But thought, I'm imagining things. . .

Thank you SO MUCH for your words of encouragement. You will never know how much this forum and all the validation and support has kept me going. I'm looking forward (I think) to my appointment tommorrow. I find I have a hard time believing I fall into that group. . .did you experience that? The first appointment is for counseling and they also have a support group. I'll keep you posted.

With heartfelt gratitude. . .
finished

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#562 - 10/16/02 09:57 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Senihele,

"He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish I listened to over a 3 + month period of time. We made plans for him to come over last night. He stood me up. THAT'S his "truth"."

Manipulation of spiritual truth is one of the psychopath's most insidious tools. Mine (who was in a Master of Divinity program at the local seminary) used this tool to talk me into menage a trois, 30 years ago. This was to help me free my soul of possessiveness, and to stretch my capacity for love to encompass more than one person. He also pulled the celibacy thing...you know, him being evolved beyond sexuality. The reality was, he was used beyond doing it, again, when he got home to me.

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#563 - 10/16/02 10:05 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it, I'm so glad this forum is helping you.

Unlike your mother, you are taking the route to awareness, and making one whole sense and one whole reality of your life. In a way, her life won't be wasted because you are picking up where she left off, and doing the work she didn't do. We sometimes carry on the work left undone by our parents. And in generations' time, there is healing.

kris

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#564 - 10/16/02 10:27 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,

This account of how this man operated with you gives me a thump in the stomach. I recognize the psychopath's sexual modus operendi. What grabs me is the speed with which this one moved in for the kill. The whole aim is to hook in the victim, deeply, powerfully, and then take forty steps back, and stand aloof and unreachable. They get a charge out of this. At the end, with mine, I could watch him doing it. He would dangle a carrot, then run away and hide, playing keep-away with the carrot. He wasn't very subtle, at the end, and I was able to see, in the coarser version, what he had been doing to me, for 30 years.

Yours pulled this abrupt and confusing withdrawal after his very first sexual victory over you. I guess he thought it would work given that he had spent 3 years building the house he built to tear down.

No doubt, he started showing interest in you, again, when he was no longer collecting dividends on his investment. He wasn't seeing you suffer. This helps explain to me, also, why your last time with him was so horrible. It contained his rage that you had slipped out of his control, however briefly.

A psychopath has amazing "patience" when he is in the process of torturing a victim. Mine used to sit for entire weekends, with a blanket over his head, ignoring me, never moving a muscle. I eventually realized it's not patience. The passive exercise of withholding from an emotionally starved and suffering victim is enormously satsifying to a psychopath.

He didn't call for 2 weeks, after this last episode, and then his voice was detached and cold. He called to collect some more payoff. He's a cold, dead fish, finished. He can only experience a spark of emotion by setting a fire underneath his victims.

You will get over it. Keep reading and working to understand.

kris

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#565 - 10/16/02 11:23 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris-

There are simply no words that can convey the deep appreciation for your feedback. What a totally accurate piture of what happened. I feel I owe a debt I can never repay for the answers I have found here. Tears are stinging my eyes even now as I write this.

Who would ever know. I had a friend I shared with about the first tramua. Now, I see, she could have never known. She basiclly put it all on me and my insecurities.

I am so grateful that you are here to share your experience and insight. There are so many on here that seem to have such a wealth of knowledge on this. I appreciate that you are bring it down to where we live.

God Bless you. .
Gratefully again. . .
Finished

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#566 - 10/16/02 10:26 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


He said to me once, " I saw a guy on the street and he was beating a woman, and ( said very slowly ) SHE... LOOKED... JUST... LIKE... YOU. I replied, " I don't understand women who let men beat them, I don't understand why they stay with them. I'd never let a guy beat me." He continued on with this story, eventually saying he had been at the womans home with her, all the while stating, SHE LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU.

I never in a million years, figured I would be seeking help at a battered womens center. Its amazing what can be done without calling a woman names or hitting her.


I understand now.

Betrayed.

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#567 - 10/17/02 04:36 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Persistent, The more I talk to people about this, the more I realize how few have any comprehension of what it means to have your mind/soul mainlined and controlled. There's more of a thrill when a P can warp an intelligent target's reality. I prefer saying "target" rather than "victim." A target can move out of the way, you have to give yourself that option.

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#568 - 10/17/02 04:42 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>And now I have a new way of thinking. I must remember, it was an inconvience for him for me to have had a problem with any of it. I'll learn.
finished, don't let yourself learn to be against yourself. You have to move! And keep on moving. A moving target can't be easily pinned. I'm trying to look at this as an addiction, where you crave something that's no good for you. Even if it's gradual withdrawal, you have to do it.

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#569 - 10/17/02 04:47 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>We sometimes carry on the work left undone by our parents.
kris, thanks again for putting a positive perspective on this. understanding what my mom went through is a revelation. we could never understand why she couldn't fight back against such obvious cruelty. now i know.

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#570 - 10/17/02 06:16 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betrayed-

I realized yesterday, that by staying with this, writing it down, has FORCED me to look at my own story. When I said I found it hard to believe I was going to a battered womans center for help, I realized later if I had not been posting here, I would be back in that denial, minimizing, rationaling stage. It FORCED me to look at MY REALITY, and. . .everything that has brought me to this place. I feel real shakey as I write this.

Thank you again for being willing to share you experience with me. . .I just can't say that enough.
Finished

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#571 - 10/17/02 02:16 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


okay. . .just an update. I had an appointment this afternoon at the Battered Womens center. I filled out the paperwork, sat down and waited to be called. i was alone in the waiting room. The staff kept coming and going from the back office and then peering at me through the glass. I felt that sob rising in my chest. I thought if they don't call me soon, i'm bolting. Which I did. I know it's me. I felt like I was in a fishbowl being evaluated for whatever. I'm sure that wasn't the case but I ran anyway. I rescheduled. Next Wednesday at 10:00am. Then about fifteen minutes later P#2 is pulling out on the same street as me at the same time about one block away. I'm know he saw me, he was right behind me. I just kept my eyes straight ahead. Then he pulled up right beside me to make a right hand turn, I was going straight. I just kept my eyes straight ahead. I could see him out of my prehiphal vision but did not acknowledge him. My heart was pounding. Not a very good afternoon. . .
Sadly,
Finished


Edited by finished (10/17/02 02:19 PM)

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#572 - 10/17/02 03:56 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
Finished, I went to a woman's shelter when I left my psychopath. I bolted too. Go back and attend the meeting Finished. I did. I did not fit in. I did not look like the others. But I was the same inside. I went, listened, cried, and shared. And I learned. And I never went back to him.

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#573 - 10/17/02 08:02 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I am remembering how I felt the first time I went. Thank god there was no one else in the waiting room. I felt in shock, embarrassed. But once I got in to see the lady, she was so kind and gentle with me.

Keep your eye out for P#2, maybe accidently seeing him wasn't an accident. It is a stalking technique, one of many. I had too many of those, day after day after day, different times, different places. It was too much of a coincidence. Sorry, your description triggered me.

Anyways, its better to be prepared with these guys, then for me to pretend you hadn't mentioned it. Its part of their profile.

Read "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. Great stalking tips for people being stalked. And even if you are not being stalked, great tips in there for anyone, to keep safe.

You handled seeing him, exactly right. Just pretend you don't even see him. He'll do anything to get a reaction from you, good or bad. He doesn't care, as long as he gets attention.

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#574 - 10/17/02 08:42 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you Betrayed and Neverthesame-
It is just as you said,I felt shocked and embarrassed to be there. Then, I started thinking. . .what am I doing here. Maybe they'll think my experience was'nt that bad. And I didn't get beat up, (what I mean is my bruises don't show). They were kind. I had filled out my paperwork so they had my phone number and called. I am scheduled for next Wednesday am. Right now I feel like a frightened animal. I'm so sensitive to any sign of rejection.

I WILL get a copy of "Gift of Fear". I did think what a coinscidence he was RIGHT THERE within 1/2 block from me. He has been way to cool so aloof that's the last thing I expect. But I didn't expect the other either EVER.

Thank you both so much for you encouraging words and sharing how you felt. I am so very grateful for your kindness. I'll keep after it. I very much want to heal and learn and recover. I just can't quit thanking you all.

God Bless
Finished

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#575 - 10/17/02 08:50 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>I'm trying to look at it as an addiction, where you crave something that's not good for you. Even if it's gradual withdrawal, you have to do it< I like that, that is a good way to look at it! P#1 was alcholic. I was in alanon. I never thought about doing a twelve step with this. . .that might work.

And thank you for showing me that remark. It isn't like me at all. And really, I don't even want to think like that. It's better to have the awareness and as you say, keep moving, they can't hit a moving target easily.

I appreciated that!
Gratefull to be here!
Finished

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#576 - 10/18/02 06:00 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>It isn't like me at all. And really, I don't even want to think like that.


It isn't you, it isn't any of us. We can't blame ourselves, it's pointless to go there. I look at it as a particularly harsh lesson in awareness from the Universe. All we can do is create a new pattern for ourselves, which will include this type of awareness so we will recognize it instantly for what it is and remove ourselves as a target. Someone else said on another post (it was probably kris :-) that only God's love could help this type of person. She was so right. It is beyond our human help. That's the lesson we have to learn, that some people are beyond human intervention. Not what you're taught in Sunday school, eh?


Edited by I fell for it (10/18/02 06:01 AM)

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#577 - 10/18/02 08:21 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>I realized yesterday, that by staying with this, writing it down, has FORCED me to look at my own story.
finished,
I think you hit on something that greatly helps to offload all that is running rampant in our minds: to write it down. That act alone creates distance, gets it OUT of our heads, and puts us in a more objective position of observing, rather than just reacting to pain. All of us reaching out and writing, to me, furthers this healing process. Thank you so much!!

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#578 - 10/18/02 10:15 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell and finished,

That is so absolutely true. If ever there is a book about recovery from psychopathic
abuse, surely it will include this step...write it down! It's even different than talking,
though talking is important, too. But when you are not talking, when you are just writing,
you are hearing only your own voice speak. There is no distraction. As you write and
read (observe), your story reveals its kernels of truth, just as if you were reading a book.
There is a deep wise part within every one of us that knows more than we consciously do.
Writing accesses that part. I am often surprised by the things I write which I didn't know I
knew.

It is no mystery to me that I finally extricated my soul from the psychopath once I began
to write the book. Part of the psychopathic experience is that the victim is not permitted
to weave a whole cloth of her life with the psychopath. The psychopath forces a condition
of fragmentation of experience on the victim. If she attempts to talk about patterns in
order to tackle chronic problems, she is "bringing up the past", beating him up with it,
abusing him. The problem in the relationship, he never stops telling her, is her inability to
forgive, leave the past in the past.

It is mind-boggling the horror and abuse I managed to shove down in 30 years with a
psychopath. But shoving it down was a condition he continually forced on me. I was not
uniformly successful. For years and years, it would all rise up, forming a horrifying
picture, in its entirety. When I felt desperate about it, I would often think, "I should write
this. This is a book. Someday, I should write this book. If I ever worte all of this down,
it would be pure horror." And I would realize that I ever DID write it all down, in its
entirety, it would mean the end of my life with my husband. Because then I would have
the whole picture, too.

(Computer shut down, at this point, hence the formatting above.)

It took an earthquake to my foundation to finally put my hands to computer keys. I started, then stopped, reconciled with Psychopath. I desperately did not want the truth to be the truth. I wanted a different truth. But my powers of denial could not stand up to the consciousness that had come. The fragmentation of my experience had begun to made whole. I had begun to really the know the truth. Writing it is an essential step, in combatting denial and rationalization.

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#579 - 05/17/03 10:28 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


My p told me initially that he felt I had been "sent to him from God." One of the first things he did was bring me a small South American nativity from his mother's native country to place upon my mantle. All the while, he was being unmasked and ejected on every front. He lost his job for getting aggressive verbally with a superior. His roomate almost beat his ass, he said for borrowing a video (these guys are notorious for having no respect for other's property!), his landlord evicted him (Something I should have done a dozen times for the incense burns, ink stains, etc. that he created). Yet those words about God softened me, I thought he was a lost lamb, poor thing. In time he brought into my home morning, noon and night pot-smoking, pornography, and admiration for the life of the swingers. Still, I looked at that nativity. How ironic.

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#580 - 02/06/06 02:12 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Jacq Offline
member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 14
The sex with P was very mechanical, cold, unfeeling, gymnastic. He was all into "point your toes, arch your back", do this, do that. Very little, if any kissing. He was only into genitals touching. I can't remember having sex with him and our chests touching. I'd ask him to kiss me more, more foreplay and he did try once, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. He also always wanted to give me a massage. When we broke up I found out that he had put a hidden camera in the bedroom the first time we had sex and put the pictures on a porn website he had. I am still trying to get over that by going to a therapist. My mind couldn't understand how he could do something so vile like that until I found a website on psychopaths.

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#8355 - 08/31/09 07:54 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Jacq]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi Jacq, welcome to the forum. What you are desribing is very familiar indeed. Without offering a diagnosis I have heard this type of story many, many times, they don't really know how to be intimate. Psychopath's learn as they grow up and my guess is sex is one thing they don't learn how to mimic. The best example is Scott Peterson who was highly socialized, they just don't know how to act at a funeral or vigil since they have never been trained how to react. Was he this way sexually from the beginning?

Did he have a certain look in his face during this time? I believe it is against the law to record someone without their knowledge, there is a website that details which States can do what. However, it probably isn't wise to put a target on your back by challenging him. The old saying, best to leave the rubbish by the curbside.

Di

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#8657 - 10/11/09 05:37 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Murray Offline
member

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
As crude as this may sound.

I feel that psychopaths simply masturbate with your body.

They have bedroom eyes as well.

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#8663 - 10/12/09 11:20 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi Murray, that is an excellent description. Do you think they make eye contact or not if using your theory? Many members have said there was little to no eye contact.

Di

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#8665 - 10/12/09 04:02 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Di-

Not much eye during sex. Their eyes are open though--they just don't look at you.

Lizard eyes but bright and shinny.

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#8667 - 10/12/09 05:02 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Dianne E. Offline

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Were they dark and evil looking eyes also when you could catch a glimpse while they were looking away and you got a peek at them?
Di

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#8668 - 10/12/09 08:41 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Di~

At the center is a black hole. The outside is colorful.

Sometimes the also look glassy. Like they are gazed over and bright. Like a lizards eyes.

Most people do not have these eyes.

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#8670 - 10/12/09 08:59 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Murray Offline
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Di~

Do you think they look in the mirror and see what some of us see when we look at them? I
would be scared of myself if I had eyes like that. It isn't very attractive. They look fake like glass eyes.





Edited by Murray (10/12/09 09:01 PM)

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#8673 - 10/13/09 08:20 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Dianne E. Offline

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Hi Murray, no I am just guessing but I don't think they see what we see. I am guessing that anyone who thinks like they are the victim and have no conscience would see things through a different set of lenses. After all it is all about them. I think when they "unmask" is when the eyes are terrible black holes, I am wondering if they are "unmasking" during sex? Most if not all have described the dark holes and described it as looking into the eyes of the devil. I have only seen a couple during my daily wanderings with those evil eyes.

Di

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#8692 - 10/18/09 11:42 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Di~

It does look like black holes and I could see how someone might say a black well also for the fact that if you look down at the bottom of an actual well [that's what I see--looks like black mercury wiggling around in the center of their eyes]. A black hole eye looks different than black well eyes. I've seen them have both at different times. That is what the retina looks like. They have these eyes during sex. Their eyes also look bright. Like they glow.

I won't let anyone fix my car who has eyes like anything I just described.
Have a nice day.
Murray


Edited by Murray (10/18/09 11:44 AM)

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#8693 - 10/18/09 12:42 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Di~

Sorry if I get off topic. I have attention issues.

From my own personal experience [ex husband is psychopathic] a psychopaths eyes during sex are bright and the retina looks like liquid mercury (a black well not a black hole). It is also not like their eyes are wide open during sex either, they are slightly open.

As I stated previously, a black well and a black hole look different. I have seen psychopaths have both...only a black well during sex [the rest of the eye is very bright].

They do unmask during sex.

If you don't a conscience you are evil. How can you repent if you lack empathy...you can't.

I see these eyes a lot. On people I don't know personally. It is scary.

Murray


Edited by Murray (10/18/09 02:20 PM)

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#8696 - 10/18/09 04:07 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Dianne E. Offline

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Hi Murray, I know what you mean, I saw those black eyes when I passed a man along a not well traveled road hitting his dog, I came just a few feet from him and coulnd't stop to help the dog. When I reported him the animal control guy mentioned the eyes also. It stops you in your steps that is for sure.

Di

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#8697 - 10/18/09 06:41 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Di~

That's interesting that the animal control guy mentioned the eyes to you. People in those positions must come in contact w/psychopaths quite often---like social workers as well.

Murray

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#8704 - 10/19/09 10:17 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Murray]
On My Own Again Offline
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Registered: 03/04/09
Posts: 64
WOW. Crude, yes, but TRUE. That's just how it felt. He manipulated me for HIS pleasure, not mine.

Thanks for putting it in a nutshell.
_________________________
On My Own Again

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#8707 - 10/19/09 04:57 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
On My Own Again Offline
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Posts: 64
 Originally Posted By: Anonymous
Persistent,
The more I talk to people about this, the more I realize how few have any comprehension of what it means to have your mind/soul mainlined and controlled. There's more of a thrill when a Psychopath can warp an intelligent target's reality. I prefer saying "target" rather than "victim." A target can move out of the way, you have to give yourself that option.


I agree - TARGET is a better word.
_________________________
On My Own Again

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#8708 - 10/19/09 06:41 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: On My Own Again]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
On My Own Again~

I agree too. We are targets. It is a better word.


Edited by Murray (10/19/09 06:49 PM)

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#8762 - 10/29/09 03:27 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Murray]
Murray Offline
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Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
Sex w/a psychopath hasn't always been bad at all. They are selfish. My favorite painting is the Harlequin by Cezanne. Sometimes the people in my family had eyes that were completely black.

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#8939 - 12/24/09 01:20 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: ]
Dianne E. Offline

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From Sparkle, sorry the post went into the air. Di

Murray what do you mean by unmasked during sex?

As I think back over the years with my about to be former husband, he was having sex, I was making love; his eyes were often shining and he had this stupid smile on his face, he would wake me at 5 am and demand sex, and whine when I said I need to go to back to sleep; it was pretty spectacular at the begining and then mechanical and routine.

I think the man said I love you about 4-5 times over the course of 20 years (after the initial manipulations.)

He also got ridiculously infantile while I was pregnant with our second son, had a long affair, was jealous of the care I gave to our boys when they were infants, just whined and grouchy. He was very, very mean during my second pregnancy, saying I got pregnant using him as sperm donor, ie , he didn't count, it wasn't about HIM.

Towards the end, I experimented with not playing along with the nicey nice, oh everything is wonderful, after sex. If there was a problem, duh, I would address it, and he would go from oh, how wonderful you are into a raging fit. No wonder he abandoned me for a new target, no more fun, game over. Not quite as I didn't fully get it then, 5 months ago but I sure do now.

The information about oxytocin, sex and premature bonding has been very helpful. I hope that younger women coming up will have the advantage of this kind of knowledge.

I am so grateful to be out of this "relationship" and to have the resources to make sense of my experience.

Sparkle


Edited by Dianne E. (12/24/09 01:21 PM)
Edit Reason: Post got lost

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#9597 - 04/04/10 03:19 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
TakenIn Offline
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Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 1
Kris,

I am new to this site. Everything you have written strikes a chord of familiarity with me. I have yet to share my story because I am still stuck in it.

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#9610 - 04/04/10 03:33 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: TakenIn]
Stephanie Offline
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Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Welcome Takenin. I'm new also. I've known I needed to stop all contact for a long time now. It's so hard to do. Their persistence makes it seem like they love you. My Psychopath says I love you non stop. I have told him it is crossing my boundaries if he says it. His actions prove that he hates me. He's a pathological liar. I told him I will not believe a word he say's ever again. He will have to prove who he is through his actions alone. I don't know who I'm trying to kid. I just need to get away. It seems like no matter how I try to hold my own ground He somehow twists me right back into where he wants me somehow. Between the sex and and the constant I love you's. It's almost impossible to remember how he is covertly trying to destroy me and control me in any way that he can.

I am lucky I guess. I figured out my Psychopath was a Psychopath before we were married. I caught him cheating and the way he had lied strait to my face for so long. I knew he was not right. I prayed for answers and I found all this information on psychopaths. I showed it to him and he admitted it. He actually pointed out that he was so charming to women. He was proud of most of the things about him. Then he acted like I was the one who made him realize the error of his ways. That I saved his life, as he put it. I also was able to bring to his knowledge that he was a sex addict. The last year of my life has been a living hell. I just realized that his plea for help and his act of wanting to change these things about him to have a happy life and marriage someday and to be a good father to his daughters. Was all that "An Act" He instead got to know the deepest parts of my heart and soal and was trying to decimate me the whole time for seeing through his mask. In alot of ways he has been more open with me about alot of the things about himself. At least more than with anyone else. It seems like a mask on a mask on another mask most of the time though. He has told me about he eyes glazing over. He says he gets high like from cocaine or something, when he looks at me sexually and he has some incredibly perverted thoughts that go through his mind. Psychopaths can't separate porn from real life so it is a very dangerous thing for them. He viewed his "world as a porno." I have watched him try to change some things. Even try to quit the porn. It is only because he saw it was controlling his life and that it was obvious that people could tell there was something wrong with him. He has no conscience. He does care what people think of him. That's all he cares about. He spends his days seeking attention from women and anyone for that matter just to feed of the energy and to feel good about himself. But it's all lies he uses to get this this attention so I don't see how it works for him. Well dah. He thinks it's cool to be a liar. the whole situation is the opposite to the way I think or feel and I need to get away from him. He has tried to destroy me before when I have wanted him out of my life. He just made me loose my job. I'm really afraid because I do know so much about him. Being close to him was the only way I knew that would keep him from destroying me when we broke up. He will not be the one to take any blame for the break up or relationship problems. He's already got my family brainwashed. I just don't car any more allowing him the chance to try to prove he can change was the biggest mistake of my life. He is pure evil. Evil has no power over us. only the power we allow it to. accepting the fact that these people cannot care about us in any way is the hardest part. It is the only way to truly break free though I feel. This is where i am at right now. My no contact has to start today!
_________________________
Faith

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#9652 - 04/05/10 03:20 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Stephanie]
On My Own Again Offline
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Registered: 03/04/09
Posts: 64
Dear Stephanie:

NO CONTACT is how you will save yourself and save your own life.

You can do it. I know you can. You can do more than you think you can.

You are correct. He doesn't love you, in fact, he CAN'T love you. He doesn't matter. Right now, your family doesn't matter, the opinions of others don't matter. What matters is you saving yourself from the Psychopath's manipulative ways. And NO CONTACT is the only effective way to do that, as you have learned.

Please understand that as soon as he sees that you are serious about NO CONTACT and that he's lost you as a target, he will move on quickly to the next target. Hard to believe right now, I know, but it's true. He has to have a target and if it is not going to be you because you won't put up with it anymore, then ZIP! he's off to the next target. I promise you.

You didn't marry the guy. You didn't have children with the guy. He cannot destroy you. He will try, but only for a while. He'll move on and forget you.

You can do it. I know you can. NO CONTACT!

Let us know what happens.
_________________________
On My Own Again

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#10015 - 09/22/10 12:59 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
buttercupncream Offline
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Registered: 09/21/10
Posts: 3
Sex with my Psychopath was strange. He wanted me to be his mistress, he really wanted me to be strong and dominant. Be controlled. Be my "pet". He wanted me to put him in bondage and beat him. Which I did. I had never been with a man like that before, and it was fun at first. He kept pushing me to have other men. I had sex with an ex lover once under his pressure. Any time I thought a man was attractive, he would try to get me to hook up with him. He wanted to go to swinger bars, and fetish clubs, I never went.
He never wanted me to be the submissive one. He kept saying he has been with so many women who turn out submissive and it turns him off and makes him run.
He wanted to be chained to the bed while I took a lover. He wanted to humiliated, it turned him on to talk about his small "pee pee" and how much I needed a bigger one.
When we started moving away from the fun and games of sex and into the more serious relationship, we moved away from the bondage, cockolding etc. We settled in kind of.
He kept cumming inside of me. I would get mad and try to make him wear a condom, and he would promise he wouldn't do it again. But he kept doing it anyway, at least once a month. He would always say how we are getting married anyway, so it doesn't matter. This would just move up the wedding he said. He was always disappointed when I wasn't pregnant.
The strange part about that, was one of the lies he would tell other people, was that I was trying to get pregnant by him. I guess so his ass would be covered in case I did.
At first it was rather cold, and towards the end he was looking into my eyes and we were cumming together.
We always had to talk about fantasies to get him to cum, though, even when we did less bondage and cockolding.

Is this completely unusual for Psychopath's?

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#10339 - 11/24/10 06:25 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
BeenHad Offline
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Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
Thaniks for your observation of your situation and sharing it...it helps me to remember because I had the same experience! But I keep letting Denial overtake me as I cannot comprehend how a real person can be SO disconnected and disloyal. As you said walk three steps and betray you then lie about it...same here. Its just still so unbelievable to me that another human being could be this way. I need to read more and pray it will sink in as the truth!

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#10340 - 11/24/10 06:30 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Stephanie]
BeenHad Offline
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Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
I would have written this the exact same way... EERIE

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#10341 - 11/25/10 11:19 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: buttercupncream]
Dianne E. Offline

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Hi buttercupncream,


One thing popped out to me in your post, could it be that he wanted you to be submissive according to his "words" but it was really him who help the power. To be submissive to me is the persojn under the control of a superior person, kind of like how cult followers become subissive to their leader. He wanted you to be submissive to please his twisted interts, just my thoughts.

Maybe his words say submissive but in reality he was the one forcing these things on you and making you the submissive one. Saying someone is submissive and getting them to do things they never would have imagine makes me think more that has his words to me that he wanted you to be suhmissive to have sex with others etc. etc.

More than likely these other women ran for very good reasons.

Ps have some very strange intersts in all kinds of sexual things.

Di

What did you think when he would look you in the eye during sex?

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#10372 - 11/30/10 06:56 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
BeenHad Offline
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Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 17
I dont think he looks me in the eye...I think he looks 'through' me. There is nothing there when I look in his eyes during sex. Hes completely checked out and someplace else in his mind. I used to think this was normal because Ive NEVER looked into my husbands eyes during sex of 22yrs. And he has never looked into mine. When the Psychopath looked into my eyes I was overwhelmed with feelings, but now I know I was alone during those experiences...that is very painful to realize

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#10664 - 02/10/11 09:12 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
justfoundout Offline
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Registered: 02/07/11
Posts: 5
Loc: Canada
Have many people on this forum experienced their "psychopath's" wanting to see you participate in risky and degrading sexual acts?
I ask this as shortly after my psychopath and I got together he admitted one day he had a fantasy and that I may think he is "weird"..I being an open-minded non-judgemental person, at most times, told him well everyone has fantasies I am sure. He then said well mine may be considered weird and you may hate me when I tell you..I told him I loved him very much and he is my best friend I would certainly not hate him! he then proceeded to tell me how he had a fantasy of seeing me perform sexual acts on other men...when I said WHAT! like how many? two? he said ahh no and gave me a upwards motion with his thumb until I eventually got to 5 men ( not sure why the number 5)I nervously laughed ( as I still didn't think he was weird....but..) I questioned him about it..alot.. as this was mentioned quite often over the 3 and a bit years we were together. I told him that I would never do that repeatedly.. but it was always lurking and brought up again after a few days..weeks. He started an ad on an adult site and was excited to tell me about it, knowing full well this was an activity I would not participate in. He sent emails to men ( it was always men.. never women) making out he was the female of the relationship and asking them to send pictures of their psychopath****'s. I was disgusted and mad at this..but he was so excited about it..we eventually had a lil blow out as I told him I could not understand how someone who says they are your soulmate, love of their life..could want to see you in that sort of degrading situation..his response was " its is only sex"..I was taken aback an told him " it is more then sex to me as I am the one whos body is being abused while you watch"..and he then stormed off like a scolded 6 yr old saying "fine I will delete the ad and we will never discuss it again"..that lasted 3 weeks before it was mentioned again.
I never indulged him in this but I think ( thinking back now)I could see when I then became of no use to him as he was not going to get his way. Do I think he is gay? no as he has had a very promiscuous life while being married twice ( both marriages ended due to his affairs with women) and now our relationship has ended as I was replaced as well. I always knew he was overly sexed as being 42 he would want to have sex at the least twice a night and then go shower and STILL manage to J.O...I would laugh about it and jokingly call him my sex addict..Is that normal for most psychopath's? He has told me of some weird situations that he would have liked to see me in..of course all of them involving me and multiple men while he watched.
We use to try and have a date night at least once a month where we would go away and have a nice romantic night just the two of us.. he once asked me ( knowing how I felt about the subject) If another man were to show up at our hotel room would I be mad? I told him that if he were to ever do that to me I would be VERY mad and would leave! Has anyone else had their psychopath's want to involve them in such degrading situations?

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#10785 - 03/02/11 11:43 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
skybluepaint Offline
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Registered: 02/05/11
Posts: 100
The posts here seem so similar, yet so contradictory. That is how I also felt about my experience with Psychopath in both her words and deeds.

She began as friends by hugging me with a mighty force, almost if she was sucking the life force out of me. Thats how she lured me in. She would lose her breath when we first kissed. I could spend hours passionately kissing her. We made love chests pressed together looking into each other's eyes. She called me her beauty, mesmerizing, definitely had the bedroom eyes. It seemed incredibly genuine, connected, a "sacred act" (as someone said), at least for me. Hence, her betrayal stung so hard. After the betrayal, she said, "Well, you know, the sex fades." Maybe she is addicted to the adrenaline rush, the getting of someone new, the conquest, first high, the opportunity to use someone new. In true Psychopath form, her portrayal of the man she had an affair with was inconsisent. He was the 'kindest, sweetest guy in the world,' and 'he was an ass. I didn't really like him that much.' He 'treated her well sexually', yet he spat in her hand, which seems degrading, and made her jerk him off. Their relationship was 'more equal', yet he was 50, she was a 28yo virgin. I'm a lesbian, much closer in age.

On the other hand, there were times I felt she used my body to masturbate, as if I weren't there. In fact, that is what she admired about the man. He told her he didn't have to cum. She said he was a 'good boy' and just lay there and let her use him. Those 'bedroom eyes' fit the black, glassy description, and a friend's first impression was that 'it seemed like she was empty, there was something missing.' Another friend's said she seemed aloof, looked down on others.

She didn't have any interest in pornography, as some have reported their Psychopaths do. In fact, she wouldn't watch it, saying, 'I don't know those people,' er attitude toward all TV. While most people can relate to a human drama, cry at a sad movie, she would stare blankly. I'd wonder what she was thinking. Maybe that has something to do with lack of empathy. When we went to a somewhat scary action movie, she came out and said, "That was really scary," but didn't actually seem scared, just stunned. I wonder how other Psychopaths feel about watching TV/movies?

Although she wasn't into porn, she was certainly hypersexual. At 23, she already had a toy collection. When she left to take a job overseas, she made me buy a vibrator and send it to her. After her betrayal with the guy days before she left the overseas post, instead of coming home to me, she instead came home and special ordered two more toys. It was as if people could just as easily be replaced with toys. On an aside, the 50yo she was with reportedly hadn't had sex for 7 years. He had two illegally adopted daughters in Thailand, and I was sure he was a pedophile. She even suspected it, but he denied it. She said he probably just 'took care of himself' for 7 years, as if that is what everyone does, instead of actually seeking out companionship.

When I tried to get back together with her, after the brief betrayal, I was just hurt. It was hard for me to interact with her sexually. She said maybe it was better that way, that I wasn't so intense.

It is all so bizarre, and perhaps that is why we all have such similar and yet contradictory stories. I do know for myself, it will take me a long time before I can open up in any sexual sense with anyone else. That seems to be a strong commonality.

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#11466 - 07/26/11 03:44 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: skybluepaint]
Akeso Offline
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Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 26
I found this quote online:

"The Somatic narcissist and the psychopath use their partners' bodies to masturbate with and their sexual conquests serve merely to prop up their wavering self-confidence (somatic narcissist) or to satisfy a physiological need (psychopath). The somatic narcissist and psychopath have no sexual playmates - only sexual playthings. Having conquered the target, they discard it, withdraw and move on heartlessly."

Someone also posted about being obsessed with our privates (but then aren't most men). I found explicit porn of women recently. He also kissed like a snake, with a darting tongue. Once I think he actually spit in my mouth during sex. I remember writhing to get his face away.

Also (somewhat sadistic) rough play. And humiliation / flirting while in public too. I took a picture once and he looks quite happy about it.

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#11478 - 07/26/11 09:21 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Akeso]
starry Offline
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Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I asked my counsellor why my dad didn't say anything to me as he was assaulting me and raping me. The stony silence was really chilling, it's one of the many things that makes me want to throw up when I think of it all.

My counsellor told me that the dialogue wasn't with me. I was merely the object that facilitated the dialogue that he was having with himself, in his head.

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#11485 - 07/27/11 12:01 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: starry]
BruisedOrange Offline
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Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 5
This long thread has been too hard for me to read in its entirety. stirring up so much stuff. this sex thing has been a major theme of my relationship with Psychopath. from the very beginning, he was obviously hypersexual. when i came to the point i just couldn't keep up with his appetite , it became twisted, by degrees. my childhood had been laced with sexual abuse, and he knew my story. i began to feel used by him. we would have sex, and then he would do or say something horrible to me. sex started feeling so dirty, and it didn't help that he liked to call me names while we had sex, he called it talking dirty, calling me a dirty little whore. it made me so uncomfortable, but he wouldn't stop doing it, no matter how much i asked him to. he wanted me to 'talk dirty' to him too, but i just couldn't do it, it all felt so false and fake, and this was my husband, we had children together. i started resisting sex, he called me frigid. i thought maybe that was true, but i was so surprised to find this out about myself, as prior to my relationship with him, i had felt fairly healthy sexually speaking. he would go on huge rants about it. he told me i was abnormal for not wanting to have sex at least twice a day, which was the 'norm' for married couples. lol. he made my life so difficult when i resisted his advances, that i began to acquiesce, but emotionally, i would detach. this was so much like my childhood experiences, and i really believe now, many years later, that this is exactly where he wanted me to be. i couldn't stand to see his face when we had sex, his eyes were always vacant, like looking through me, somewhere else. then there was the pornography. i think now that he must have been really addicted to it, and that it was a huge part of his life, although he kept it fairly well hidden from me. he also would always bring home lingerie that he wanted me to wear. it was always way too small for me. i felt so degraded. many times i would wake up during the night and he was on top of me. i was just an object that he used for masturbation. my daughter told me recently that when she was younger, she had walked into the bathroom, and he was in the shower masturbating. she said the curtain was open, and he had left the door unlocked, like he wanted someone to walk in. who knows what else. that is all i can think of right now.

thanks to anyone who listens and responds to this.

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#11669 - 09/01/11 12:02 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: BruisedOrange]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Weird sexual life and hard porn are typical of Ps. My Psychopath told me he was "addicted" to hard porn (and said he felt bad about it, but that was another "i am such a sensitive boy" - act). He would ask me to dress up for him, wear leather and stuff, be domineering. No foreplay of course. Dead eyes and avoided looking into eyes. All the same stuff... Often made me feel like an object.

I remember him saying often "this is my personal stuff" of many things. He was lying and was sure it was OK because he was the one to decide what he does, and I was of course the "crazy" one...

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#12685 - 02/16/12 05:42 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: FreeBird]
NotCrzy Offline
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Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61

Old thread but I leave this post here for the people like myself who have just worked out what was wrong with their Psychopath. and who have got further support and enlightenment from others who know the experience.

Yes sooooo many similarities it's eery...

Total sex addiction. By the time I left, his appetite was 4 sessions a day, usually for about an hour each. I was exhausted, my life was falling apart from this insane time commitment to sex...but if I ever refused he told me I was frigid, aging...

He masturbated 1-2daily as well...heavy porn...

Very peverted fantasies, sex was more exciting for him if it was something I wasn't into. He would often ask what he did in a session that I enjoyed and anything I listed he would usually remove from his repetoire. Once I realised what was happening, I often told him I enjoyed something I hated. Physical abuse during sex stopped after I told him I loved it because it was so exciting having his marks all over me. I used this survival tactic outside of sex too...I knew he would always make the final decision on something and figured out that when he gave me a choice (e.g what to eat or wear) he would almost always decide on the opposite, so I'd rave over my least preferred option...

Never foreplay, kissing was definitely not on. No cuddling, minimal body contact beyond genitals.

Lots of instruction...arch your back, pose like this, talk like this etc. Felt like a porn director was in the room. I pray there was no hidden cameras but wouldn't be surprised.

He despised any closeness after sex. Would usually just get up and leave the room. Berated me as needy and abnormal if I asked for a hug afterwards.

Oddly, he liked eye contact. But it was like he wasn't there...just a vacant stare. Once he told me he liked it because he knew it made me feel close and connected and he wanted to see into my soul when I was totally humiliated.

I know I sound like I am crazy for being with this man at all. But it was all a vary slow progression from a guy with a few quirks that I could live with to a mostly unliveable situation with a monster who ever so occasionally showed a flash of his fake charm.

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#12686 - 02/16/12 02:27 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: NotCrzy]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Don't ever think that! You do not sound crazy at all!
We've all been there, we all know this lack of reason...

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#13750 - 08/27/12 05:12 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
Whitefeather Offline
member

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 39
I am still getting over sexual abuse from psycho I was so in love with the psycho and didn't have much experience in today's sex attitudes in love I truly believed he was in love too I had no idea he was involved with so many women until I ended up in hospital from sickness and miscarriage. The psycho ran my name so low amongst his community the side effects I'm still having problems with.

Psychos fantasy was based on younger women in fact virgins to be exact so young he stalked them and many others I didn't know until the very end that he was seeing or creating such problems I feel terrible now not realising these women or girls were victims I remember one night psycho broke down and said he wanted to die he had done terrible things I helped him stayed with him but I never really got it I just didn't understand what he was really doing psycho now in my last ever stupid contact believing in love I honestly have not been with another person since I met psycho I was and still stupidly am in love with however they are very clever at making the love nest look so good and right for you your the one all along were his words I know and psycho knows there was love in us but the horrific truth he knew what he was doing took total advantage and just gratified his sexual needs at a persons expense.

My first year with psycho was ok gentle loving the next two aggressive abusive and I learnt to switch off during this time he frightened me the end of us I ended in hospital my recent time just over a month now the first sexual encounter was I thought he loved me the last time he threatened and didn't care what state I was in at first he pretended I guess then ended with abusive name calling and hurt me then he stated in a completely different person attitude that he was a murderer and he would rape me if I didn't give him what he wanted well he won and got away with it no one believes me as he hides behind a church face I'm sorry if it offends anyone but I am a believer but I never in my life would think that this person who brang me to faith would indeed be such a enemy all I can say is what I'm reading here has happened to me as well I'm done with it and now face a huge move it's going to be hard but it's the only way psycho has taken everything from me trust faith socialising life and it's affected my work health children friends I'm in awe of all the posts the courage you have has given me strength to go and never turn back it's what I have to do to get free and hold my life together god bless and protect everyone here I'm still learning what I have dealt with

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#13761 - 08/28/12 05:45 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Whitefeather]
LaylaGirl Offline
member

Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 5
Just found this site, and saw this thread was at the top. I have been out from my psychopath for about 12 yrs now. And its amazing what a number they can do on you.

I was with mine at a young age and he was my first real relationship and sexual partner. I was 16. He was 18. I now can look back over it, after much therapy, reading, etc.

My situation I was groomed if you will like a sexual predator does. I was violated and just laid there, I cried. I told him that night when he went home that what he did was wrong, he agreed, said he was sorry and it wouldnt happen again. I believed him(I was a church girl and he was going to church with me and thought if he apologized he was truly sorry) Naive I know.

But from there it became trips out to the middle of nowhere, in the desert, dirt roads, they were set up as "romantic" dates, but the end goal was more sexual behavior.

I felt since he taken my body I had to stay with him, and I had a lot of guilt, I spent alot of times in tears and crying and praying to God after any sexual activity.

Hed sit there with me and agree and rub my head? But it wouldnt stop.

Its a long story, but I ended up marrying him feeling its what I was supposed to do. I hated sex, I was tense, I laid there, just wanting it to be over, didnt feel he cared about, felt something was wrong with me and that I was being punished by God for the premarital behavior.

He would tickle me and pin me down to the point I couldnt stand it, its a very confusing thing to happen, being tickled to the point of hysterical crying and begging and pleading. He would abruptly stop, sometimes I started to hit and freak out. He would drop me and say "Your no fun" and walk away? he used to make tickle hands at me and says "ITS THAT TIME AGAIN!!!" and Id be begging him no no please dont.

Sex was constantly something he wanted, touching, grabbing, trying to arouse me, he would use objects, I was often sore, he would bite me hard.

I wont get too graphic,, but this was all I knew, and I just thought this is how it was, he said "I cant help myself you turn me on so much"

Sex became more and more kinky, limits pushes, he would beg me to come in the bathroom to watch me and touch me during... it was heading to talk of swinger parties...

I got out right around that point. I sought counseling, I felt I had no way out, I felt trapped and felt Id have to find another "Man" to rescue me, and counseling helped me muddle through all that, and from there I got into domestic violence therapy and a support group.


I was trusting, honest, and naive, and young when we got together and a church girl.

What was going on with him? SOme he confessed, some I later found out after the fact, etc

He had sex with a man for $$ while we dated
He had a gay man show up at his place wanting to "talk"
Another gay man show up on his job site making sexual inneuendo talk

He had a woman online he was trying to meet at his job site while he stayed in a hotel, he was sending mail to her and having hers come to his job, he had even sent a gift to her son, and she was writing letters saying "She wanted to love him and his kids" He had another one claim pregnancy and at that point we were separated and I made him confirm when we once tried to get back together, I made him get tested for stds to have sex with me again.

He had women in various states and got on websites for quickies in hotels, like 45 min, he got a woman with some guys from a job they bet on who could "Bed" her.

I could not wear a low cut or vneck shirt, it meant I wanted sex and he would be all over me.

But after we split he claimed I had multiple partners, had sex in front of our kids and that I had a porn problem?

He put notes in a sex toy in our house before he left for me.

He was very compulsive and I cannot even imagine what else went on....

I lived with this, it became "Normal" to me, I went through a lot of stages dealing with all this and I know its difficult to hear and can be triggering. But its real. If we dont talk to one another, and speak up, we cant help others and make them aware. I didnt even know what happened was wrong!? A guy friend I once opened up to said "Layla! Thats not normal" and it was like the light bulb went on when someone spoke to me like that.

Its part of my old life now, so far from ME that I am today, I cannot even imagine what his new girlfriends are like today or what they deal with. Wouldnt matter if I could walk away from him totally, but I have kids with him and my kids are in those homes, heaven knows what they have been exposed to
_________________________
In a relationship and marriage with a psyhopath for about 15 yrs. Out since 2001, have raised two kids with him and the harrassment via the courts and custody and co parenting issues.

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#13771 - 08/29/12 09:58 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: LaylaGirl]
Whitefeather Offline
member

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 39
Yeah church man mask I can't even begin to recall the four years of hell thanks for your post and honesty I sort of know what's going to happen to him in gods eyes or at least in what they and him preached I sure am frightened my last words to him were when god calls us up I will get on my knees and say confess how much sin I'm in because I loved you and ask god to punish me alongside you so you can watch me suffer to the end I felt really ashamed of myself for allowing me to fall into his dirty trapagain I so wanted to believe him I did god their good mate I've never seen anything like this and I've worked in court alongside the biggest liars in the universe I don't know how to climb out of the pit I'm in I have to leave it's such a long way away from anything and I can't afford it but I can't watch him marry his next one and no one believes me they all think I'm a crazy Delilah I hate these people I shouldn't I know are they all sex offenders am I dumb blind stupid I know what's happened seems so unbelievable but it's true it happened

I can't believe that people allow psychopaths to get away where I am if you say this and don't produce the evidence you are up for slander but I understand his evil motives and brainalfunction but what about these people who once called me their friend who always was there for them always never did I turn my back so cruelly he has even turned his family parents I've adored as my own against me now I cut the contact because I can't bear talk of him I have made a very strong decision which they all really have contributed to I'm going that far away leaving my home town my sister who's married to his family gaaaaaaah!!!!!!! I know now why they stay away or do I?????????

Aaaaaah my head is going crazy sometimes but I never thought they would curse me out but I'm glad in one way so I know I will never look at his evilness he has snubbed me from my hometown it's teaming with evilness I've told my immediate family to get out and I'm taking my son god have no mercy on them it is truly evil what some of them have plotted truly evil I can't stand it anymore I don't want the evilness over my son he's gone through enough when does it stop when I make it stop and go because I thought I was being a bit revengeful in emotions but I know I'm right inside my heart this church and him is a brilliant mastermind cover all the goodness that comes out then they curse, call you names, try and put the fear in you by using god sexually violate women, use up and defile people who loved them, abuse, rape, cause mental illness victims to self harm and take drugs till they overdose, put you out of work, vial creatures where did this come from??????

What planet are we on????? What happened to us was their a invasion and I missed the news or something???? I've read of fallen angels walking with us is this them?????? Or scientifically have we mutated to such vial human beings where the brain can't register remorse emotions etc as the studies show???? Who gets away with violence, drug abuse, under age sex, having sex with your exs mum yuk yuk yuk, six different church girls , belting kids and women, and then there was me the partridge in the pear tree f!$k what a scam what a precedent they would have you know it wouldn't stand up in court because the church have their own laws and more money than this county has to help our real people in sickness sometimes I feel like i've lost my mind I can't live in the same place and be reminded wherever I go he is there I can't go to church again because he told them it's me I can't go into a shop or cafe because his family is in it I've now been accused of indifference of cultural understanding and that may be so in blood but it's far from the truth how can they live with themselves the kids well youth on the street the ones who are on trouble know the truth of this psychopath walking he showed them how to use bastard has ruined so many lives it's incredible it's like a infection mutated amongst a blood line of very strange people what is going on ????

Well I reckon I'm glad I didn't pursuit a career of lying because I would be guilty of letting them go for $$a hour. Does this stop is it my heart fooling itself in broken state, is this my head saying yep it's true you wasted four long hard bloody cruel demeaning pathetic try again sex abused years with the opitimy of moralistic decadence!!!! God save us!!!!! I have to go away because his presence in a shop kills my soul is this again what they want behind this bloody mask of I love you your the one you will fly with the angels! If he does have brain that is malfunctioned a heart that doesn't bleed like were supposed to do they have a soul?

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#13772 - 08/29/12 10:38 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Whitefeather]
LaylaGirl Offline
member

Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 5
Whitefeather,
Sounds like you have a lot your dealing with, its not uncommon to be in such turmoil and confusion after leaving one of these types.

I did lose my church and my "community" as my counselor put it when I filed for divorce against him. We spent 12 yrs in a church together and that was our lives. I LEFT. Nobody understood what was going on because I didnt talk and was told seeking worldly counsel was a sin. My ex went in turn to our church friends and told them I was cheating and having an affair and pretty much played a victim and this poor man to all of them. I was just trying to find a way "Out" and for someone to help me.

My ex's family is very large and extended, I liked them all, I used to speak to his mom all the time, she works as a peer counselor for domestic violence?! When I left she changed on me, like if I wasnt "Sick" and calling her upset over what was happening at home, which she was VERY aware of, she didnt know what to do or say to me, and she began inflicting emotional games on me to try and knock me back into that state, as a result I had to cut her off.

His family used to tell me I was good for him and how he was going down a bad path before he was with me. I thankfully clung onto 2 relatives that lived in town, his grandfather and his aunt who have never turned on me, they knew me personally. His grandfather would say "He did a really stupid thing losing you"

I just moved a few mos ago to somewhere far from my old town, I was afraid of running into mine. But he did follow me back when I first left him, I would get triggered by seeing trucks like his around town, would send me into a panic.

As far as the reason why, do they have a soul, is it in the brain, is it spiritual, I think its probably all of the above. The problem is we want to make sense of it, understand why, and we just cannot even begin to relate or wrap our minds around them and their ways, its what makes us NOT like them, thank heavens!


Edited by LaylaGirl (08/29/12 10:40 AM)
_________________________
In a relationship and marriage with a psyhopath for about 15 yrs. Out since 2001, have raised two kids with him and the harrassment via the courts and custody and co parenting issues.

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#13793 - 09/05/12 04:48 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Brokenintopieces Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 6





Hello, I found this site by looking for a way to have closure within my self ! I can not believe that when I found this site I read all night long about my own experience of a man whom I met one year ago, that has lefted me angry,sad,depressed and worthless.

My story starts like this~~

I am 47 years old and a single parent of two grown children whom have lived on there own. I was in a long relation ship with a man who was good to me but we just decided to go seperate ways. I moved into my own Apartment and was having a great single life but there was something that was missing. I was tired of going out on dates and so tired of these men who play games. I decided to write a book! Yes I wanted to write a book about men and their point of view of a woman, vice versa same as women.

I went to social clubs,gatherings,pool clubs. I met so many people of diffrent ages. I started my journey alone and I wanted more truth about this world of people for I am so blinded by what is out here in this world. So many marraiges of curruption, so many broken hearts, ect.

I was so clueless of it all. I then heard my girl friends tell me to go onto a dating site for which I did. I created me a profile and I posted my pictures. It was over all so annoying because it was as if the men was hunters on their prey!

I went out with a dozen of men only to realise that they was nothing as their profile spoke of. I weeded through so many. All the storys of what someone done to them. All the hate towards the ex or the women in general. On the dating site I was on it will allow you to scroll through the pictures of men and there is thre blocks to check, yes,no,mabe. As I was scrolling one by one this one man I saw for a glimpse. I then for some reason said oh! he is so goodlooking ! I clicked "yes" to him. Then it was not no time he replied to me on a message in my in box. It said "Hi there" ! my name is ------You are a good looking lady. I then replied back to him of thank you! I knew that all men say this and I knew that it was something they all say to all women. I had allready been knowledgeable of men and their games before so I was not new to this. He then was on line at the time, he asked me he would like to chat and if I would like his number to call. I took his number and I called him. His voice was goofy at first and he was like to me up front. He metioned to me that he was looking for a renter in his house woud I be enterested? I said no. He talked about what he did for a living verses I did also about me. He also said that there was not nothing wrong with friends and frenge benifits. I did reply that it was not for me.

So, we kind of left things as being just friends that would text and share our dates one on one about what this guy was like and he also would tell me about the women he went out with as well. He told me about a lot of them. Things he did not like mostly. This was in May of 2011 when we started talking. We did not ask one another to meet until like months down the road. He would start to know me more. I would call him up asking him would he like to go out some where to get a drink or so. Every time I did he would have a exuse that he was at his guy friends drinking he could not drive. He turned me down so many times, the reason why was because he was shuffling women back and fourth. I did not know that then.

Well one day it happend! I was washing my car and he called me. It was September 10th 2011 at 11:00 am. He asked me if I would like to meet him at Hams. This is a local small restraunt which is in his town not but probably 20 minitues away from me.

I hung up the phone I looked so horrible I was like this mad woman wanting to make sure I looked good, for he was so handsome.
I rinsed my car off then went to a family dollar store to get some make up,safty pens and a hair doodle to put my hair up. I had some clothes in my trunck for the good will so I grabbed a cute shirt and shorts. I rushed to hams. I then saw him pull in with a Red Z71 Chevrolet, he had his un glasses on and omg! he was even so more handsome then in his pictures. He then had opened his truck door and was out. He was so tall. He had the most beautiful teeth and smile,eyes green,his hair was perfect. I was about to pass out for I never thought I would have any one look at me as good looking as he was.

I and him went inside Hamms, he of course opened the door for me. I think all men do this at first to impres you. I and him sat down across one another. At the time I did not notice him trying to order the cheapest meal on the menu. I also told him that I can pay for my own sinse I felt we was friends from the begining. It did not feel like a date any way . I and him finished and I asked him did he or has he met any one whom he may consider to see, he looked at me and said "yes, I think I have."

He said he had to finish his yard work of mowing and smiled and said sure could use some help, would I want to come over ? I said sure. I went over to his house not far from Hams. We went inside and he asked if I wanted something to drink. I did not. He sat down in his living room on the the small sofa. He had nice furniture but I noticed he did not have much of any thing else.

I sat down next to him and he all of a sudden pulled me over to him and kissed me.Not a soft kiss.This was a kiss as if he was mad.
I did not like the way he kissed me. Then he did start to touch my breast and he was making me so into him that I did let in. I let him take me to his bed and he was so like I have never in my life had in any man. It was hot! He hooked me...

We talked about all his past girl friends. He told me about his first one whom he has a daughter by which is 19 now. He said of course all bad about her. He said she cheated and was lazy became fat and that she was a pig ate all the food up. He said so much about her that I was like wow! how awful. He spoke of his one wife he married. Only first and no more. He talked negative about her. He bragged about how he was sodid this and that, worked hard. After that was others. More and more. Then there was one he had for 7 years. They got into fights, hurting fights. How he broke her ribbs where she got into his face and hit him first. It was always a woman who abused him for his actions. I believed him. I was like so into him of why would women mis treat him, why they would not clean or cook. He had this older woman who lived there from he put a ad in the paper for a renter months before I moved in. This woman was not all that attracted. He would move strangers in for he said he needed help with his house payment. He had only made 14.00 a hour. He had a child whom was 12 years old from where he had got this woman pregnate and he later after 9 months found out she had his baby. He said she set him up. I believed him.

So all of a sudden he is coming to my place and he was having me over his, he wanted me to move in because of the renter was going to have to go! He wanted her out. Yea I asked him if he and she had something going on of course no they did not.

But I do remember him telling me she would hit on him. I moved in October 1,2011. The renter moved out two days before. He asked me could I handle paying 350.00 a month. For that he did need all the help he could and it would help me as well. I moved in and I cleaned the house to spotless. He had no food he had no toilet paper, no hair shampoo. A pice of soap. He said that he learned to do things very conservative, that he need not waste money. His clothes was out dated. He had no up to date on anything. He told me things of his surviving with eating boloni sandwhiches and he made it on that. I gave him 350.00 I went and spent like over 600.00 on things for the house. Food ,laundry stuff and shampoo,ect...cleaning supplies.

I was happy. He was so sweet to me. He told me that he did not want me to turn him down on sex that he was a man who needed it everyday. I noticed so much of his ways. He was organized he was very structured. He took a shower at 6 pm he got off work at 3:30 he was off on Fridays and Saturdays. He was also very jealous! He text me all day long stupid text of "Am I smoking with my boys at work" ? He had turned into a diffrent person after three weeks. I began to drink with him, he drank every night. He smoked weed. He smoked ciggerettes but he only did when he drank. He ate at 9:30 pm I could not rest I had to cook and clean and if I did anything for me he would tell me I needed to keep him occupied. He kept on telling me he knew all about my past of being a bar fly. He had his sources. He told me that I was not going to be on the internet nor could I have my 5500 friends . He would call me if I was 5 min late coming home. I cought hell for working on a Saturday. He said I was a person who ran. He kept on and on riding me hard . He said I know you are not happy. He would put me down and if I spoke to him as Why are you doing this to me, he would laugh and mock at me. He would tell me I have no respect. He would take my panties and make me get rid of the thongs said that if I ever wore them he would choke me with them. I was not allowed to wear any thing with showing my cleavage. He would check what I wore each day. He would grab my phone to make sure I was not talking to a man. He watched me constantly. On my face book. He never had our pictures together on face book. He also called me stupid, I was achurch whore. I in November I flipped on him. I drank so much wine I left in my car and I was lucky I did not wreck get a DWI. I signed my self into a hospital for my nerves was torn up.

I was hospitalised for one week, my family said I went into a break down and was telling them all about what he was doingto me. I told them I lied that he really did not do that to me. I did it so I could go back to him. I was so much in love with him I GAVE UP MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY,FRIENDS! I continued to be treated like a dog. Sex became very much as he only wanted what he wanted to him self. He wanted me to give him oral. He stopped kissing me, he stopped telling me he loved me. He omg! he hit me caused me to have a ceisure. I LIED TO THE HOSPITAL. He one day was sweet the next mean. I had to pay more money to him 500.00 a month. I bought it all, he would drive my car for it had gas in it. His never did. He never brought no food or anything in the house,he only bought his booze or weed. He begain to use me for trips. He used me for you name it. He made me pay 800.00 for a water problem said it was my stupid fault. He liked brown headed women.I colored my hair. I lost weight. He one day would say I think I AM ALL THAT THEN SAY i WAS NOT.

I was told he loved me how everything looks good in the house that I made the home. He was a one day this or that. At night he would kick me if I snored. He had two diffrent like voices. One was a gay voice then one was a man voice. He omg he was wanting me to die. He said to my mom I was accident prone. He had me so convinced that I gave him 70.0000 on my life policy. He never wanted any one to come over. My family kids, no one not even his. One person he confided in was his Ex of seven years. He told her bad things about me. He told me bad things of her. He omg even spent the night with her. He and her was together texting about me towards the end. He vitumised me. He made me want to kill my self. He hit me slapped me for no reason. He dragged me on the ground. He did it. I LOVED HIM STILL. I woulld tell him please can we start over. Omg! He looked at him self in the mirror al lthe time, he brushed his teeth three times a day for one hour, I am not kidding you all! He told me about his getting by with things like he was charged with assult for women and he had got out of it because he is so smart he knows the system. He told me he shot a man.

He also told me that he would try to torch his wife by the gas on the grill. He told me about how he did things. He also assulted my son and had me as a witness . He said or convenced me that my son hit him first. No he did, I lied for him. I WENT WITH OUT SPEAKING TO MY SON FOR 5 MONTHS. !! I would not call my grandmother. One day I WOULD CALL MY FRIENDS FOR HELP! then tell them I am okay! I cried wolf. I was begining to be as him. I was being into this started to go into his computer, omg! that is when things started to become worst. I saw porno sites he was on. I saw where he had women on his emails. I also started noticing more and more each day changing patterns. He became distance from me. Telling me that I am sick need to sign my self back into the hospital. Isaw a text where he told a female, looking good! I called her. She told me the truth. I confronted him he said that was the wrong number. He lied and lied. He would never tell me to leave, he would make me live in hell. He also was wanting sex the way he wanted it. He made me so angry and sick. I cried and cried so many times in my car in another room at work. I was a complete mess for so long .

I began to not want to come home I was afraid of what mood he was in. I asked him for 20.00 for gas he said he was not my bank. He was so cold and never said he was sorry for anything. He made me think I was the one who said something when it was him. He also made me think I was the one who started a fight, it was him. He I knew was up to something and I then started to out smart him. I went on a dating site and I disguised my self as abeautiful woman. OMG he hit on me. I also found out his pass words . He had been on the dating site foe months of me still with him. I was sick and puked for what he had said to these women. He did them just as me. He is on there today doing the same. He is in desperate need of a woman. He wants another victum as me! I am so stupid ashamed of my self for not listening to others. I am stupid to not believe his own daughter. I have been a victum of abuse, violence. It has been only three weeks now on my own! I packed my stuff left him with most of it. I got me a apartment in one day I bought me new everything. Thank God for my job and my bosses who gave me the use of a truck and 1,000 dollars. I love it. I am mad and very angry for he is never going to be stopped. Those poor women on the dating site are feeding into his trap. I thought about making a fake profile to let them know about him. Lat weekend he text me only to say "DO I KNOW WHO MY ENEMIES WAS ? That is odd to say....

I hate him I wish I never met him. I can not focus on nothing but wanting him to pay for what he did to me. I am scared for I do not want another man in my life. I feel ugly, I think I am. I have no self esteem. I am at the end and I going to start my book and the one chapter will be my own experience of a man of sickness and evil ......

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#13794 - 09/05/12 04:54 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Brokenintopieces]
Brokenintopieces Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 6

My one year life with hell!

Hello, I found this site by looking for a way to have closure within my self ! I can not believe that when I found this site I read all night long about my own experience of a man whom I met one year ago, that has lefted me angry,sad,depressed and worthless.

My story starts like this~~

I am 47 years old and a single parent of two grown children whom have lived on there own. I was in a long relation ship with a man who was good to me but we just decided to go seperate ways. I moved into my own Apartment and was having a great single life but there was something that was missing. I was tired of going out on dates and so tired of these men who play games. I decided to write a book! Yes I wanted to write a book about men and their point of view of a woman, vice versa same as women.

I went to social clubs,gatherings,pool clubs. I met so many people of diffrent ages. I started my journey alone and I wanted more truth about this world of people for I am so blinded by what is out here in this world. So many marraiges of curruption, so many broken hearts, ect.

I was so clueless of it all. I then heard my girl friends tell me to go onto a dating site for which I did. I created me a profile and I posted my pictures. It was over all so annoying because it was as if the men was hunters on their prey!

I went out with a dozen of men only to realise that they was nothing as their profile spoke of. I weeded through so many. All the storys of what someone done to them. All the hate towards the ex or the women in general. On the dating site I was on it will allow you to scroll through the pictures of men and there is thre blocks to check, yes,no,mabe. As I was scrolling one by one this one man I saw for a glimpse.

I then for some reason said oh! he is so goodlooking ! I clicked "yes" to him. Then it was not no time he replied to me on a message in my in box. It said "Hi there" ! my name is ------You are a good looking lady. I then replied back to him of thank you! I knew that all men say this and I knew that it was something they all say to all women. I had allready been knowledgeable of men and their games before so I was not new to this. He then was on line at the time, he asked me he would like to chat and if I would like his number to call.

I took his number and I called him. His voice was goofy at first and he was like to me up front. He metioned to me that he was looking for a renter in his house woud I be enterested? I said no. He talked about what he did for a living verses I did also about me. He also said that there was not nothing wrong with friends and frenge benifits. I did reply that it was not for me. So, we kind of left things as being just friends that would text and share our dates one on one about what this guy was like and he also would tell me about the women he went out with as well.

He told me about a lot of them. Things he did not like mostly. This was in May of 2011 when we started talking. We did not ask one another to meet until like months down the road. He would start to know me more. I would call him up asking him would he like to go out some where to get a drink or so. Every time I did he would have a exuse that he was at his guy friends drinking he could not drive. He turned me down so many times, the reason why was because he was shuffling women back and fourth. I did not know that then.

Well one day it happend! I was washing my car and he called me. It was September 10th 2011 at 11:00 am. He asked me if I would like to meet him at Hams. This is a local small restraunt which is in his town not but probably 20 minitues away from me.

I hung up the phone I looked so horrible I was like this mad woman wanting to make sure I looked good, for he was so handsome.

I rinsed my car off then went to a family dollar store to get some make up,safty pens and a hair doodle to put my hair up. I had some clothes in my trunck for the good will so I grabbed a cute shirt and shorts. I rushed to hams. I then saw him pull in with a Red Z71 Chevrolet, he had his un glasses on and omg! he was even so more handsome then in his pictures. He then had opened his truck door and was out. He was so tall. He had the most beautiful teeth and smile,eyes green,his hair was perfect. I was about to pass out for I never thought I would have any one look at me as good looking as he was.

I and him went inside Hamms, he of course opened the door for me. I think all men do this at first to impres you. I and him sat down across one another. At the time I did not notice him trying to order the cheapest meal on the menu. I also told him that I can pay for my own sinse I felt we was friends from the begining. It did not feel like a date any way . I and him finished and I asked him did he or has he met any one whom he may consider to see, he looked at me and said "yes, I think I have."

He said he had to finish his yard work of mowing and smiled and said sure could use some help, would I want to come over ? I said sure. I went over to his house not far from Hams. We went inside and he asked if I wanted something to drink. I did not. He sat down in his living room on the the small sofa. He had nice furniture but I noticed he did not have much of any thing else.

I sat down next to him and he all of a sudden pulled me over to him and kissed me.Not a soft kiss.This was a kiss as if he was mad.
I did not like the way he kissed me. Then he did start to touch my breast and he was making me so into him that I did let in. I let him take me to his bed and he was so like I have never in my life had in any man. It was hot! He hooked me...

We talked about all his past girl friends. He told me about his first one whom he has a daughter by which is 19 now. He said of course all bad about her. He said she cheated and was lazy became fat and that she was a pig ate all the food up. He said so much about her that I was like wow! how awful. He spoke of his one wife he married. Only first and no more. He talked negative about her. He bragged about how he was sodid this and that, worked hard. After that was others. More and more. Then there was one he had for 7 years. They got into fights, hurting fights. How he broke her ribbs where she got into his face and hit him first. It was always a woman who abused him for his actions. I believed him. I was like so into him of why would women mis treat him, why they would not clean or cook. He had this older woman who lived there from he put a ad in the paper for a renter months before I moved in. This woman was not all that attracted. He would move strangers in for he said he needed help with his house payment. He had only made 14.00 a hour. He had a child whom was 12 years old from where he had got this woman pregnate and he later after 9 months found out she had his baby. He said she set him up. I believed him.

So all of a sudden he is coming to my place and he was having me over his, he wanted me to move in because of the renter was going to have to go! He wanted her out. Yea I asked him if he and she had something going on of course no they did not.

But I do remember him telling me she would hit on him. I moved in October 1,2011. The renter moved out two days before. He asked me could I handle paying 350.00 a month. For that he did need all the help he could and it would help me as well. I moved in and I cleaned the house to spotless. He had no food he had no toilet paper, no hair shampoo. A pice of soap. He said that he learned to do things very conservative, that he need not waste money. His clothes was out dated. He had no up to date on anything. He told me things of his surviving with eating boloni sandwhiches and he made it on that. I gave him 350.00 I went and spent like over 600.00 on things for the house. Food ,laundry stuff and shampoo,ect...cleaning supplies.

I was happy. He was so sweet to me. He told me that he did not want me to turn him down on sex that he was a man who needed it everyday. I noticed so much of his ways. He was organized he was very structured. He took a shower at 6 pm he got off work at 3:30 he was off on Fridays and Saturdays. He was also very jealous! He text me all day long stupid text of "Am I smoking with my boys at work" ? He had turned into a diffrent person after three weeks. I began to drink with him, he drank every night. He smoked weed. He smoked ciggerettes but he only did when he drank. He ate at 9:30 pm I could not rest I had to cook and clean and if I did anything for me he would tell me I needed to keep him occupied. He kept on telling me he knew all about my past of being a bar fly. He had his sources. He told me that I was not going to be on the internet nor could I have my 5500 friends . He would call me if I was 5 min late coming home. I cought hell for working on a Saturday. He said I was a person who ran. He kept on and on riding me hard . He said I know you are not happy. He would put me down and if I spoke to him as Why are you doing this to me, he would laugh and mock at me. He would tell me I have no respect. He would take my panties and make me get rid of the thongs said that if I ever wore them he would choke me with them. I was not allowed to wear any thing with showing my cleavage. He would check what I wore each day. He would grab my phone to make sure I was not talking to a man. He watched me constantly. On my face book. He never had our pictures together on face book. He also called me stupid, I was achurch whore. I in November I flipped on him. I drank so much wine I left in my car and I was lucky I did not wreck get a DWI. I signed my self into a hospital for my nerves was torn up.

I was hospitalised for one week, my family said I went into a break down and was telling them all about what he was doingto me. I told them I lied that he really did not do that to me. I did it so I could go back to him. I was so much in love with him I GAVE UP MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY,FRIENDS! I continued to be treated like a dog. Sex became very much as he only wanted what he wanted to him self. He wanted me to give him oral. He stopped kissing me, he stopped telling me he loved me. He omg! he hit me caused me to have a ceisure. I LIED TO THE HOSPITAL. He one day was sweet the next mean. I had to pay more money to him 500.00 a month. I bought it all, he would drive my car for it had gas in it. His never did. He never brought no food or anything in the house,he only bought his booze or weed. He begain to use me for trips. He used me for you name it. He made me pay 800.00 for a water problem said it was my stupid fault.

He liked brown headed women.I colored my hair. I lost weight. He one day would say I think I AM ALL THAT THEN SAY i WAS NOT. I was told he loved me how everything looks good in the house that I made the home. He was a one day this or that. At night he would kick me if I snored. He had two diffrent like voices. One was a gay voice then one was a man voice. He omg he was wanting me to die. He said to my mom I was accident prone. He had me so convinced that I gave him 70.0000 on my life policy.

He never wanted any one to come over. My family kids, no one not even his. One person he confided in was his Ex of seven years. He told her bad things about me. He told me bad things of her. He omg even spent the night with her. He and her was together texting about me towards the end. He vitumised me. He made me want to kill my self. He hit me slapped me for no reason. He dragged me on the ground. He did it. I LOVED HIM STILL. I woulld tell him please can we start over. Omg! He looked at him self in the mirror al lthe time, he brushed his teeth three times a day for one hour, I am not kidding you all! He told me about his getting by with things like he was charged with assult for women and he had got out of it because he is so smart he knows the system.

He told me he shot a man. He also told me that he would try to torch his wife by the gas on the grill. He told me about how he did things. He also assulted my son and had me as a witness . He said or convenced me that my son hit him first. No he did, I lied for him. I WENT WITH OUT SPEAKING TO MY SON FOR 5 MONTHS. !! I would not call my grandmother. One day I WOULD CALL MY FRIENDS FOR HELP! then tell them I am okay! I cried wolf. I was begining to be as him. I was being into this started to go into his computer, omg! that is when things started to become worst. I saw porno sites he was on.

I saw where he had women on his emails. I also started noticing more and more each day changing patterns. He became distance from me. Telling me that I am sick need to sign my self back into the hospital. Isaw a text where he told a female, looking good! I called her. She told me the truth. I confronted him he said that was the wrong number. He lied and lied. He would never tell me to leave, he would make me live in hell. He also was wanting sex the way he wanted it. He made me so angry and sick. I cried and cried so many times in my car in another room at work. I was a complete mess for so long . I began to not want to come home I was afraid of what mood he was in.

I asked him for 20.00 for gas he said he was not my bank. He was so cold and never said he was sorry for anything. He made me think I was the one who said something when it was him. He also made me think I was the one who started a fight, it was him. He I knew was up to something and I then started to out smart him. I went on a dating site and I disguised my self as abeautiful woman. OMG he hit on me. I also found out his pass words . He had been on the dating site foe months of me still with him. I was sick and puked for what he had said to these women. He did them just as me. He is on there today doing the same. He is in desperate need of a woman. He wants another victum as me! I am so stupid ashamed of my self for not listening to others. I am stupid to not believe his own daughter.

I have been a victum of abuse, violence. It has been only three weeks now on my own! I packed my stuff left him with most of it. I got me a apartment in one day I bought me new everything. Thank God for my job and my bosses who gave me the use of a truck and 1,000 dollars. I love it. I am mad and very angry for he is never going to be stopped. Those poor women on the dating site are feeding into his trap. I thought about making a fake profile to let them know about him. Lat weekend he text me only to say "DO I KNOW WHO MY ENEMIES WAS ? That is odd to say....

I hate him I wish I never met him. I can not focus on nothing but wanting him to pay for what he did to me. I am scared for I do not want another man in my life. I feel ugly, I think I am. I have no self esteem. I am at the end and I going to start my book and the one chapter will be my own experience of a man of sickness and evil ...... [/quote]

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#13795 - 09/05/12 04:57 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Whitefeather]
Brokenintopieces Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 6
I know how you feel, my life on my own now three weeks. I was in a hell house. I loved him more so then anyone anything! I GAVE HIM ME! He stole my life from me. I WANT IT BACK.
_________________________
Ales

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#13796 - 09/05/12 08:53 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Brokenintopieces]
Whitefeather Offline
member

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 39
Hi brokentopieces,

just want to say that from this site I learnt about psychopathy for all it's realness, your life with this person sounds as strange as my experience. I don't think anyone can make it better or say anything to make us feel better but I like your I want my life back words and good your writing a book about your experience the way I see it a excellent way to help others this site is endless knowledge for me I never knew what was out there really we live in a world of masquerade I really read your story and I truly admire your strength yes your not alone! I am in counselling every second day now for the last two months the only way I can see out of his sight is to have my plan and go as far as possible for a new future as you and many others here have described we can start anew and learn as much as possible and help ourselves and others not fall prey
take care of yourself
I think what your doing is amazing
whitefeather

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#13797 - 09/05/12 10:42 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Whitefeather]
Brokenintopieces Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 6
Thank you for reading such a long story,as I was writing this the whole time I am like trying to just say it all in so many words for each and every one of us try to tell everything. But yet we still have moras each day goes by I try to keep a clear mind. For when I close my eyes I think wow! Three weeks ago I was pleading to god to help me. And now in my own place with out him in bed next to me wandeing when he would be thinking of how he wanted me dead. For I also think back of everything of all he has done and said to only remind me over and over that he can no longer hurt me. I do not have to sneak and take a chance getting caught looking into his phone and trying to keep my mouth shut for of how I wanted to confront him . I now want to send him a long long letter of I know now who is and I am going to stop him from hurting all others who he is now trying to win his charm . I do hate him. I never hated, but him I do. He is a cold evil devil . He belongs in prison .his bragging to me of him shooting someone,his asault charges he got out of. I am mad each day . I am so upset I can't stop this thing with wanting to get even . I want to know how to hurt them back ..
_________________________
Ales

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#13800 - 09/06/12 01:24 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Brokenintopieces]
newme34 Offline
member

Registered: 09/05/12
Posts: 5
The way to hurt a Psychopath is to ignore it. Any letter will be seen as a sign of interest regardless of what it says as the Psychopath thrives on attention. Look at NO CONTACT again. Its the only way. It will be crazy for a while but worth it.

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#13802 - 09/06/12 07:23 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Brokenintopieces]
Whitefeather Offline
member

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 39
Hi brokenintopieces

I'm no expert on these types of people, everything your explaining I know I've felt as well, a few weeks ago I came face to face with him and at first I thought he was sorry but naaaah! He smirked a smile I was so enraged with hatred in the middle of a supermarket I nearly spat on him but I remembered what they are capable of.

I'm pleased your safe and in your own place sounds like a positive direction I can't wait to go I'm still battling with his mother whom uses so many phone numbers I got caught the other night without screening the numbers too well and she was polite I hardly said a word I'm careful because they run to police at a drop of a hat then my name is trash. She did intimidate me with a important social event of which I decline to go her remark was of course you won't come not now ? At first I didn't get it but driving yesterday his next one whom was from before is driving his car!!!!! That's number five girl I'm number 3 , 6 obviously didn't arrive back yet or lost her visa!

Psychopath has done a full circle again of all old gf I can't say I fathom this but I know his scam pick the one that will do my dirty work and doesn't squeel. I hope your in a place where no contact is easy the post by newme is right. Any contact seems to make them flourish and I'm in agreeance with some posts I've read they have little spies example the mother I'm dealing with it's best for our health and safety the less we know the better I think and the less they know about us even more excellent it's about power I believe. The aftermath of anger for me is the injustice and how many women have been abused within this organisation but as I've been told it's your word against theirs in a small town if your persecuted you don't live it down too easy all I can say is I've notified a authority it's up to them and their ethics of do no harm and investigate and I feel better in my head I've done something that I can logically do.

If your free from this evil thing thank god and your writing will help future people to know how much evil there is out there I've noticed too which is really really weird without it's presence even though I'm still tormented things in my life happened like more positivity or goodness entered my home things are calm happier everyone getting somewhere as soon as it enters my life even a phone call it's like a dreaded evil occurs all round me. Well I have noticed no contact with his family nearly kills them not to know what's going on it's a unusual payback but it's non harmful.
Take care

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#13803 - 09/07/12 05:54 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Whitefeather Offline
member

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 39
Today was another rotten day, I am so vigilent about no contact I could easily jump out of my car and into his house have to go in that street my mother lives opposite. Bit I don't I'm always thinking I can do this I know when he is home and when he is not. Today is rotten for me last phone call from the mother upset me enough now again to tell me about his cultural sending gift usually this means betrothed or want of marriage I hid the tears and just said I had to hang up I wanted to yell at her why are you doing this to me it's a sick sick game. I prayed today they would leave me alone I'm sad enough without this torment. I found myself calling counsellor and blurted out lots of things mentioned names the works after hours of calming down I had to go into town supermarket and sure enough it's there looked at me grinned put his head down I had the face of a angry angry angry person I walked past abd could feel eyes in my back I totally ignored him. Got home and just gone back into a hole of dark room it's sickening I can't recall ever my whole being feeling this bad all the time it's going to take days now to get over one stupid sighting. I told myself I have to stop loving this evil thing cause it's dangerous I absolutely am shocked with his mother you think you know someone and you never really do. I just cannot stand it I'm making myself Ill when I have too see him I realised how awful I am today again hatred in my heart for the sight of him it's not good at all forgot the main words that triggered this was I was called a traitor I just don't understand sometimes I really don't a person abuses uses violates but im called a traitor?????????????? It's interesting this Psychopath gets into my head he knows it too well


Edited by Whitefeather (09/07/12 06:00 AM)

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#15154 - 05/16/13 08:41 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
sweetb Offline
member

Registered: 05/15/13
Posts: 13
Originally Posted By: Survivor
I know this may not be a popular discussion thread but I feel a need to express the disconnect I felt with the psychopath even during the most intimate moments....

My Psychopath used to close his eyes when he was making love to me which basically made me feel like a "thing" and not even there. There was no tender look, tender caresses or soul connection. There was a deafening quiet and absence of intimate pillow talk that connects souls as well as bodies. No compliments, no discussion, no playful interaction, just the act itself. In some ways I thought it was a comfortable silence of two people sharing deeply but that was just my projection. He felt nothing emotional while I was deeply in love with him and our expression through lovemaking. To him, it was a skin thing, further evidenced by his penchant for wanting to do it with the lights out. No need for eye contact or connection. Can only say this in retrospect. At the time I was pleased as can be that he was interested in pleasuring me but that became less important to him as the months rolled on. And then after I had the baby and weeks had passed he was disinterested. I know now because he was getting it somewhere else.....

survivor


Omg...mine closed his eyes too. At first he would look at me, stare at me with direct eye contact during sex, at the end he would just lay there with his eyes closed. make me sick.
_________________________
Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.

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#15156 - 05/16/13 09:35 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: sweetb]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Originally Posted By: sweetb
Originally Posted By: Survivor
I know this may not be a popular discussion thread but I feel a need to express the disconnect I felt with the psychopath even during the most intimate moments....

My Psychopath used to close his eyes when he was making love to me which basically made me feel like a "thing" and not even there. There was no tender look, tender caresses or soul connection. There was a deafening quiet and absence of intimate pillow talk that connects souls as well as bodies. No compliments, no discussion, no playful interaction, just the act itself. In some ways I thought it was a comfortable silence of two people sharing deeply but that was just my projection. He felt nothing emotional while I was deeply in love with him and our expression through lovemaking. To him, it was a skin thing, further evidenced by his penchant for wanting to do it with the lights out. No need for eye contact or connection. Can only say this in retrospect. At the time I was pleased as can be that he was interested in pleasuring me but that became less important to him as the months rolled on. And then after I had the baby and weeks had passed he was disinterested. I know now because he was getting it somewhere else.....

survivor


Omg...mine closed his eyes too. At first he would look at me, stare at me with direct eye contact during sex, at the end he would just lay there with his eyes closed. make me sick.


Mr. Who, as I call him, did the Energizer Bunny bit and then got up immediately to wash himself very carefully. He tried the pleasuring the woman thingie, but when "pleasure" is akin to touching the same spot for ten minutes (if you get the drift), all I got out of that was soreness considering that nothing he did turned me on. I was as dry as a piece of chalk. Stupid, sick fu****.

Here, while far away in another country, is where he was so good with words in his emails, but action, which would have helped tremendously, was totally lacking.

He didn't even know how to kiss: he would press his mouth and lips hard against mine and that was that. Like kissing a cold stone.

I was never sorry to see him go. And I never yearned for sex and cuddles for he did neither one especially well.

I don't think he knew how to enjoy sex and touching.

Nan



Edited by Nan (05/16/13 03:50 PM)

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#15229 - 05/24/13 11:06 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
I broke up with my psychopath ex almost 4 months ago now, and although I feel so strong that I was able to leave HIM and not let him have me back anymore (which drove him completely insane and drove him to do sick things like break into my apartment, steal my computer, put me in jail, and hack my private accounts just to mess with my head), the thought of him still haunts me like a fever at times, I get dizzy from my anger and frustration of what he did to me. It is so hard to move away from the trauma it caused.

Now that I think about our intense and passionate 2-year relationship, I realize that there was nothing good about him - except for the sex - which was nothing less than incredible. "No one is gonna make you feel like me" is how he brainwashed me to stay - and it worked - so that I was afraid to lose him. We did it every day multiple times (because since the beginning he blocked me off from any social or professional activities so we spent ALL our time together) and it was always very intense and satisfying for both. He always told me that I was the first girl he ever had a true connection and made love with, and that with his other ex's and acquaintances he was just "having sex". That always flattered me and made me feel special, which now that I look back on, is a very big reason why I stayed with him for so long and thought he "was the one" despite everything else that was wrong in the relationship...

What i started to realize near the end was that he always made me feel so guilty for being sexually obsessed and hungry all the time, and that i made him feel "used", that he felt like "the girl" and that i was the macho one who always needed carnal pleasure. HE was the one obsessed with sex, he was so paranoid all the time that i was cheating - as if there are no other better or more interesting things to do with my time - and always talked about sex and perverted topics that would make me intentionally feel jealous and uncomfortable. I feel sick to think now that he probably cheated on me several times, and that is where his paranoic projections came from... He blamed me for using him like a toy, and when I told this to my girl/guyfriends after we broke up they FLIPPED out and got so angry: "he should have felt so lucky to have you!!!", they said, and that it was sick that he made me feel like he was doing me a FAVOR through sex. He would say "i cook for you, i **** you, and what do you do?? you make no efforts at all. Be careful or I'll start looking somewhere else." Always great physical pleasure tainted by feelings of shame and guilt from his heartless comments afterwards. And he did start looking other places, before we broke up, because psychopaths do get bored with their victims over time, no matter how valuable and great you are to them.

I know the most vile thing that tipped me over the edge and made me leave him was that I realized that I ALWAYS went down on him but he never returned the favor (only on special occasions or if he was extremely turned on)... I started crying that day when i had to URGE him to do for me, and he found excuses to evade. He called me a pussy and a whiner, and when I asked him why he wouldn't do it for me, he said "I feel gross to think of all the dicks that were there before me." I was speechless. We broke up 2 days later.

Why waste my time with someone who does not appreciate me and makes me feel terrible? When so many guys would treat me like a queen and feel so LUCKY to have me?

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#15233 - 05/24/13 07:37 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
These monsters are really all the same...

Mine was not even good in that field, he was simply too selfish but I was so much in love I didn't care, it was just important to be with him, closely and physically. But using sex to intimidate you was totally his game - first you're so attractive he can't stop himself and can take your hands and eyes of you and then suddenly he's not interested anymore and every time you want to get physical you feel like you're begging for it.

He did this trick with me, he would do everything to turn me on and then suddenly would pretend he's not interested in anything of this kind and he's just doing it for me (he even said something along the lines - it's just mercy, because I needed it so badly so he did it - yeah, that's completely what gives a guy an erection - mercy). And dividing his exes into real ones and the ones that he only had sex with to make you feel like you so much want to be this real one - same thing:/. I found myself doing everything he wanted without him needing to ask for it and him telling me that I should be happy for what I'm getting. Often I saw he wanted that and I didn't wait to be asked and at the very end he acted like he was doing me a favour all along.

Sex itself was nice until the end but only because I was in love (objectively speaking he really sucked at it, he had no feeling at all and it felt like being in porn, now when I look at it). Now I flinch even at the thought he would touch me. If there is a dirty one it's him - I guess I should not even try to count how many girls he was with. Which in itself is nothing bad unless you're treating your partners like a douchbag - he always talked about this or that girl as a wh..e and somehow failed to mention he's the biggest one.

I feel disgusted to think how much I let him get away with and I constantly tried to explain him what he was doing wrong like he was a five year old. I guess that was my mistake - thinking that he somehow can be a very smart guy and in the same time completely insensitive to others but believed that it's not like that really inside, it's just a pose. Maybe because I know some people who occasionally behave like a...les because of their insecurities but are really good people who just sometimes have to be straightened up. I guess that's why I was so forgiving all the time and tolerated all of it, it never entered my brain that this one is truly just an a...le, no depth inside. That's what I am - I very often tolarate or even like people others can't stand because I forgive them for being insensitive in things they say or sometimes even do (there is people who genuinely have problems understanding others and being blind to social cues) and I've never been wronged before. I guess from now on I'll be much less open and this is somehow the thing I hate him most for - to make me distrust others:/.

I guess that's what you may find out in future - that the incredibleness was mostly your affection and even the sex can be so much better with someone who loves you back and will try to satisfy your needs as well and not only use you as a sex toy.

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#15240 - 05/25/13 05:43 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: crocodile]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: crocodile
I feel disgusted to think how much I let him get away with and I constantly tried to explain him what he was doing wrong like he was a five year old. I guess that was my mistake - thinking that he somehow can be a very smart guy and in the same time completely insensitive to others but believed that it's not like that really inside, it's just a pose.


I always had to sit him down like a baby and tell him 'this? bad! ok? no repeat! ok?' Basically that was the level.

Mine was so devious in that he would do things 'for me' that I didn't even ask him to do (like clean my entire room or always go out and buy the groceries and cook while I was in class when we said we would go together) and then afterwards would scream at me and call me a lazy b... for making him do everything.
Again, I really would not have stayed with him if it had not been for my sex life with him. He always called me a wh.re, always always always his favorite word when he was mad at me. He would like to number on his fingers the names of the people he knew i slept with (BEFORE HIM)... again I repeat, Before I even knew him!! It's my life. And I don't wanna know what he was doing before, but he always promised that he used a condom except with me. How can you believe anything a pathological liar says, right?

The most ironic thing is that he always tried to give me lessons in life, the very one that he was doing always: "The words you use to describe other people are a reflection of what you are." Liar, lazy, wh..re... sounds very familiar to me.

I've been having a lot of quiet time right now with family before going on a trip with friends, and I really need this trip fast because all of this free time is making me involuntarily wrack my brains to figure out what was a truth and what was a lie. The answer is, I will never know everything. Shove this crap far into the past no matter how hard it is.

Do you know of any online chat support groups as well? Curious.

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#15243 - 05/26/13 01:37 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I don't know of any better than this forum really. And it is better than going to a psychologists (I have very negative experience of them). People here are very knowledgable when it comes to psychopathy (well, you become that as soon as you crash into one of them and recognise him for what he is - it's quite a steep learning curve after that;) ) but also very understanding and helpful.

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#15246 - 05/26/13 04:32 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: crocodile]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Speaking of steep learning curves, I spent the whole night reading others' stories and digging deep into my memories (i know it's unhealthy but i'm just trying to understand what happened and know the truth once and for all) to really figure out what was going on. I nitpicked at details that bothered me and my suspicions, to come to the solid conclusion that he had been cheating on me the whole time. I remember finding another girl's red hairband in his apartment and upon asking him where he found it, he took a few seconds before saying "oh, i just found it on the floor... i was gonna give it to you". Now how did I let that by again?? I feel like an idiot but I guess it's because I just denied it could even be possible, it simply couldn't be. we spent ALL the time together. So he was really micro-managing his schedule to find times when I wasn't there to enjoy cheap thrills with girls.

Also, a guy friend who is no longer his friend (because my ex is such an ass) confirmed my beliefs with me on chat today. He never spoke to me about it because it would only hurt me more, go figure! He had been cheating on me for at least 1 year if not longer, probably from the very start. Guy friend told me that my ex invited him over to his apartment last October while we were fighting and taking a few days' distance, that my ex showed him a bunch of porn and the sole topic of conversation was porn and that he was "banging some chicks" and was boasting about it to guy friend. Makes me sick to my stomach but I am very grateful that I figured this out almost 4 months after we broke up. If this had been proven to me earlier, I would have lost my mind.
Now I am simply disgusted but I am numb.

I didn't sleep all night, told my mom about it this morning when she woke up and she just sighed saying "it's not your fault dear, no one can help that he is a sex addict. He has a sick relationship to sex." true...

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#15247 - 05/26/13 04:39 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Imagine that he said his favorite (hottest) actress was Monica Bellucci and that his favorite movie/scene with her is the horrid rape scene in "Irreversible"

That alone shows you something is very wrong with his mind.

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#15248 - 05/26/13 08:19 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Quote:
digging deep into my memories (i know it's unhealthy but i'm just trying to understand what happened and know the truth once and for all)

I don't think it's unhealthy, it's actually very healthy. You need to understand what happened and make sure it does not happen again and not just be heart broken and never realise what hit you. Sure it feels like an obsession now but I'm pretty sure it will go away sooner or later.

Quote:
we spent ALL the time together

Same with me and he was complaining all the time that I'm controlling him too much and he has no time to do other things. Surely I was and that would be completely stupid in a normal relationship but this was not normal by any standard and I felt all the time he was lying to me (each time when confronted he would tell me I was paranoid but each time I actually checked on him I was right - I guess I was always right also when I didn't check). And still he managed to find time to mess around. I'm not sure if he was indeed sleeping around (surely with his new GF at the very end but that was pretty much obvious and I suspect it started much earlier) but I know he was meeting with her and going out when he told me he was so sick and tired and needed sleep and so on instead of spending time with me. And I was getting more and more obsessed that he's lying and more controlling and then he would get a good excuse to accuse me of being a control freak. In the end I ended up labelled crazy borderline since I had behaved like one not being able to stand his lies but not being able to kick his butt and let go. My fault but on some level I have some satisfaction of giving him a taste of his own medicine - he wanted a game and sure had one and it was not all that fun for him afterall. It was not worth it though and I wouldn't do it again. Just recognise the Psychopath early on and don't get involved.

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#15249 - 05/26/13 08:21 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Quote:
Imagine that he said his favorite (hottest) actress was Monica Bellucci and that his favorite movie/scene with her is the horrid rape scene in "Irreversible"

That's pretty insane... and hope he's just stopping at "liking" it...

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#15250 - 05/26/13 10:20 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: crocodile]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Quote:
I'm not sure if he was indeed sleeping around (surely with his new GF at the very end but that was pretty much obvious and I suspect it started much earlier) but I know he was meeting with her and going out when he told me he was so sick and tired and needed sleep and so on instead of spending time with me. And I was getting more and more obsessed that he's lying and more controlling and then he would get a good excuse to accuse me of being a control freak.


Same about the sick and tired excuse! He did that to me on VALENTINES DAY I spent 3 hours making him a beautiful cake (he got me this shitty sweater and ripped it off my body afterwards during our break up fight) and I bought 2 movie tickets and was so excited and called him to come meet me. He answered that he felt depressed and didn't want to do anything. Now i realize that during the last 2-3 months he had become less and less interested in me, i was always talking and typing so much and he would answer 1 word answers, would go offline on me and not tell me where he's going. Would tell me he's having a night in watching Netflix and I knew it wasn't true now.

I still feel sick to my stomach that he was banging someone else on Valentine's Day though.

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#15251 - 05/26/13 10:46 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I don't actually care anymore. Somehow I got detached from this guy, the only times I ever think like I miss him is when I remember times he actually behaved like a human being but then for each moment like that I have 100 other when he showed his true face. I actually like remembering myself then, there was pretty nice moments too when I felt good when we had fun together (well, his was the wicked way but still). I don't really care so much, at least I had something real, he had his smoke and mirrors.

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#15252 - 05/26/13 10:52 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: crocodile]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: crocodile
I don't actually care anymore. Somehow I got detached from this guy, the only times I ever think like I miss him is when I remember times he actually behaved like a human being but then for each moment like that I have 100 other when he showed his true face. I actually like remembering myself then, there was pretty nice moments too when I felt good when we had fun together (well, his was the wicked way but still). I don't really care so much, at least I had something real, he had his smoke and mirrors.


Good smile. And like I said before, I'm so so glad that the pieces came together about his [censored] up cheating & schemes nearly 4 months after I left him and the little affection/love that remained had disappeared. The only thing I miss is sex, but I can get that from someone who will worship my body instead of use it, who is not a slimy sex addict & who will not betray me any chance he gets.
At this point and after all the horrible things he put me through, he's just a ghost but a really evil one that still gives me shivers down my spine... If I were to bump into him in person in the city by accident and saw him I would vomit in my mouth.

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#16048 - 09/30/13 12:20 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
toomuchstuff Offline
member

Registered: 09/30/13
Posts: 38
I think I have had 3 Psychopath in my life time. The 1st used as the end of a beating I would come to while he finished. All I felt was numb if I came I felt ashamed and would apologize. My 2nd was distant mechanical. I would awake after and find him staring at the ceiling. With this last one, He was impotent. I shared information about my 1st Psychopath experience. Psychopath#3 would snuggle with me then molest me as I slept . He often gave me melatonin to help me sleep, or at least that is what he said it was. Finally in the end I woke up in the middle... Horrified at what he had done. He was sucking away at my breast like a vampire. It's been 6 weeks and I am still having flash backs of sexual abuse. He told me he masturbated over me while I slept. He even washed me and no response and He liked it that way!!!! Me dead to the world.

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#16052 - 09/30/13 03:17 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: toomuchstuff]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi toomuchstuff, welcome to our community. I think if you ever hear of someone getting caught having sex with a corpse they are highly likely to be a Psychopath. I think that is also why they are so attracted to porn. Someone here made a great comment that having sex with a Psychopath was something like he used their body to masturbate. Hope I am getting that quote straight but I think you will get what I am saying. They sure exhibit a very clear pattern.

Psychopath's and cliffs are a very dangerous thing.

Di

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#16053 - 09/30/13 06:02 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
toomuchstuff Offline
member

Registered: 09/30/13
Posts: 38
I was with him for 5 months if no one believed me in court than who was I going to ask for help from???

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#16054 - 09/30/13 07:36 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: toomuchstuff]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi, would you like to start a thread to tell your story so we can help support you? If we have more information we might be able to help you better. I am very sorry for your situation, it is quite typical that no one believes the victim, sadly.

Di

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#16114 - 10/26/13 02:01 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Mary Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/13
Posts: 4
I appreciate it.

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#16115 - 10/26/13 02:19 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Mary]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I fortunately don't have experiences in my own family but in my Psychopath's family there was a child molester (I believe that's where he got his psychopathic tendencies from as it is at least partly genetic) - the guy molested first his daughters and then the next generation and led to one of the girls almost succeeding in a suicide. But I don't know to what extend is this story really true and my Psychopath didn't seem to be interested in children or even adolescent girls as much as I can tell. I think psychopathy and pedophilia are separate issues and it only becomes a problem if the guy is both at the same time or he can't get the hold of what he desires and goes for an easy target: a child.

I'm sorry I don't have a better answer but I guess everything is possible, they don't even have to be attracted to you to use you as a sexual object just for fun:(.

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#16116 - 10/26/13 08:34 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: crocodile]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi Mary, welcome to our community. In response to your question I can only speak from observations here at the forum. We have some members who are children of Psychopaths. I am working from my memory, and it seems to me that I would conclude that it is highly likely they would molest children. When a person/evil being is missing their conscience I think all things are possible and probable.

The software works so if you click on a members name all of their posts will appear.

Di

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#16118 - 10/28/13 08:39 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
toomuchstuff Offline
member

Registered: 09/30/13
Posts: 38
Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Hi Mary....I would conclude that it is highly likely they would molest children. When a person/evil being is missing their conscience I think all things are possible and probable.

The software works so if you click on a members name all of their posts will appear.

Di

I would agree, I have some sexual issues in my history that I shared with my Psychopath. In response instead of being sensitive to my discomfort, he molested me while I slept and managed to re-enact a lot of traumatic experiences for me. To top it all off, he blamed me for not enjoying his behavior-He said -I- had issues...I watched him have a conversation with a woman in her 20's who looked like a small child the way he talked to her made me ill...


Edited by toomuchstuff (10/28/13 08:40 PM)

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#16119 - 10/30/13 05:15 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Mary]
AnnettePK Offline
member

Registered: 10/05/13
Posts: 1
My ex Psychopath did child porn. In my view, all pedophiles are psychopaths, not all psychopaths are pedophiles. But any psychopath would choose pedophilia if it fed his addictions to power and sadism.

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#16120 - 10/30/13 11:15 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Mary]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
Well Mary... I am the daughter of a Psychopath and have an older sister who at one time claimed that my dad sexually abused her - i say claim because personally i don't think so, she has no memory of actual events, instead it's a general sensation of maybe fear?. So, this is my thoughts on the matter.

I'm doubtful there is a correlation. Pedophilia is uncommon - ie being sexually aroused by children. If there is a higher reported incidence of sexual abuse among the Psychopath population, I would venture to guess that this is something that would not get overlooked, and would immediately be reported. The non physical abuses are so far under the radar.

My abuse was not - was never physical - but I am definitely damaged. They are not human. What your children experience around him is a cause for tension. Because they are not allowed to be themselves... they must always protect his ego... it's all about him..and that is so unnatural and harmful. He was the king. He was God. (when people ask me where I want to go to eat for a treat for me.. i don't know.. we were never allowed to be ourselves or want for ourselves.. - "you're selfish!" was a common assault)

Once - my dad spanked my bare butt when i was too old for that type of punishment - this is when i started being a problem adolescent. But i don't and didn't view it as sexual, he was humiliating me... demeaning... he was trying to break me. As he had done with my elder siblings. He could never break me.... we had a relationship like sparing partners. I KNEW him.. and he didn't trust me or get great benefit from me... Sam Vaknin calls it narcissistic supply.. he rarely got that from me. Praise the universe for that!

It's always about power with them. And depending on their temperament - personality - upbringing - that dictates how they will play it out. If they enjoy seeing blood or killing someone, nothing would stop them. But most of them don't - they just swim along in society.. happy little fish. Gorgeous - Lovely - Beautiful fish.

This does not mean I don't think it is possible that he sexually abused my sister. It's totally possible - because he doesn't have that conscience to stop him.. But - he did have an external persona in the community that was extremely important to him. I say this all the time when i write about him.. EVERYONE loved him. Very personable and funny and hard working... and responsible...ethical... And his family - we were picture perfect. Smiles everywhere.

Footnote about my sister, after her "discovery" and subsequent "announcement" of his sexual abuse.. she stayed away from him for 18 years... But then - came crawling back. It makes me nearly vomit. She's older now.. and suffers from delusions.. and who did she run too? HIM

He really f'd us all.. one way or another. I'm just grateful for my ability to SEE him.

Seriously.. do whatever you can to eliminate him from your children's life. In my opinion, sexual abuse is nothing compared to the debilitating emotional abuse these people force on their children.

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#16135 - 11/04/13 12:58 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Mary]
newbeginnings Offline
member

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 6
My ex Psychopath left with no notice - a five minute warning after 7 years together. Afterwards I discovered that he was a hard core BDSM Dom with a hard drive full of movies of torture of women ( blindfolded, gagged, anonymous, shackled victims ) and extreme sadism and infliction of pain to their breasts and genitals. It has left me with a lot of fear and trauma to deal with it all. No Contact has helped with it.

I then found that he had also been grooming the 12 year old daughter of my friend - apparently with the idea of creating a pain slut sex slave because she was depressed and cutting herself. He did this for two years before he left. You can imagine the damage it has caused.....

Finally his adult adopted niece who they raised as a daughter from when she was seven, who has remained very close to me while shutting him out of her life to protect her and her own daughters, admitted he had asked her to masturbate him when she was 10. Luckily she was able to refuse but never felt able to tell anyone or feel safe with him again. Her birth father has done jail time for paedophilia....

Despite a mountain of evidence he has escaped with no actual arrest - but he is being watched by the police.

From what I can tell, his father and grandfather were both abusive men. When he was a teenager, the father shot his own father and hid the body and acted as if nothing had happened - a sure sign of no remorse or guilt.

I have read this thread with interest - I can relate to so much of it. I think the concept of their using people to masturbate too sums up mine - yes, it was all on in the beginning of course, but before long I was playing the role of housekeeper and breadwinner... he got his real thrills elsewhere.

It seems he feels he can have power and control and torture any one he sets his sights on - woman or girl and have no conscience about it. While hiding as a friendly funny intelligent victim.

I take some pleasure int he fact that I have thwarted and exposed him for the Narcissistic Psychopath that he is.
When you combine that with being a sadist, you get Ted Bundy and Fred West, so I am also relieved to still be here!

He sent a letter to his family after he left me - he defended his actions by saying that he chose me because I was so like his wife who died. He says when you lose a pet, a new one will distract you, so he chose a new mother for his 35 yr old daughter, and that he was never in love with me!

They really don't understand human emotions - he cared enough to want to stop his daughter hurting, but couldn't understand how inappropriate it was to manipulate me. Still, I did actually gain a lovely family that I adore and he lost it all.

I learned a lot and the pain will pass. I will respect myself and survive.

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#16137 - 11/04/13 12:36 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: newbeginnings]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: newbeginnings
I think the concept of their using people to masturbate too sums up mine - yes, it was all on in the beginning of course, but before long I was playing the role of housekeeper and breadwinner... he got his real thrills elsewhere.

You're spot on - now I realised that in addition to the sex with my Psychopath being basically like porn it was also a lot about him masturbating. I sometimes had a feeling that I'm there mostly to look at as a stimulation and not a person he wants to be close to. That actually fits to the extreme narcissist they are: for a Psychopath even sex is the best with himself...
Originally Posted By: newbeginnings
He sent a letter to his family after he left me - he defended his actions by saying that he chose me because I was so like his wife who died. He says when you lose a pet, a new one will distract you, so he chose a new mother for his 35 yr old daughter, and that he was never in love with me!

Mine said so about a GF he was with for 7 yrs (of course cheating on her constantly during that time). All of a sudden it was "I have never loved her, I just tried to be with someone normal and ordinary". I remember how bad I felt for her at the time and I even told him he's a asshole for being with her all that time while he didn't love her and didn't care, basically lying all the time. Well, apparently he cannot love anyone at all and this is must sound like a great excuse for a Psychopath - they obviously don't realise that to a normal person it sounds like saying "I'm a lying douchebag".

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#16140 - 11/04/13 10:54 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: crocodile]
newbeginnings Offline
member

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 6
Scary really - hindsight makes it all so clear. I freely admit I was naive, and missed the flags/signs - those I did see didn't ring loud enough bells - or i was able to justify them in some way. Lying to myself.
NEVER AGAIN

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#16141 - 11/06/13 08:23 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: newbeginnings]
toomuchstuff Offline
member

Registered: 09/30/13
Posts: 38
...... I think the concept of their using people to masturbate too sums up mine....
I think it sums up all of them, and not just sexually, they engage in mental masturbation as well. They the Psychopaths are thrill seekers who are easily bored and have the emotional depth of a mud puddle-here today gone tomorrow...b As long as it's fun they engage. throw in some responsibility and off they go. I met one a couple of days ago and already he wants me to commit my time to him. I have a small vintage business and he offered his storage unit to me. --But --he started the negotiation complimenting my teeth told me it was important to him his women had good teeth... (made me wonder if he keeps them in a jar.)I believe he is a Psychopath......ewwwww

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#16201 - 01/06/14 01:47 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Mary]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
My step father was a psychopath and a child molester. My ex boy friend was also a psychopath and I believe he molested his daughters when they were very young as well. Most of them are sex addicts so they sexualize everything. My ex boyfriend made some comment about child abuse and the control the abusers get off on. I know he would never want to be caught as being one though so I think he stopped as they got older. As where my step father did not. He left when I was in fifth grade though. With out a conscience I think they will try to get away with whatever they can. It's normal to block out the memories of abuse as a child though. Your daughter sounds to be a lot like I was.
_________________________
Faith

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#16392 - 07/04/14 11:28 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
LisaBlue88 Offline
member

Registered: 07/04/14
Posts: 1
I'm new here, just axed my psychopath days ago. I wasn't with him very long (although I had dated him briefly seven years ago), only two months, and when he dropped me cold and started giving me crumbs to keep me hooked while he screwed everyone he could, I left him a voicemail telling him off (I know he couldn't of cared less) and blocked him. Anyway, the sexual aspect of it is what hurts the most and I thank everyone for sharing their experiences. I was wondering about the child abuse factor. I don't know his past, but I believe he would have sex with anything with a heartbeat. I think he is bisexual and I question whether he was/is abusing a teenage boy. I have no evidence whatsoever that that has occurred other than a strange feeling. When he reconnected with me he was on vacation out of the country and was "childminding" a friends teenage son to teach him about international travel. I thought that was odd but ignored it because I was in the lovebomb phase. Every time it crossed my mind it made me cringe, but once again, I ignored and justified it. He is such a hyper-sexual predator that I don't know how he would be able to hide that from a child he was vacationing with. Now that the spell is broken I'm seeing more of the light. I don't know the child or the mother but it's concerning. I'm also confused and questioning my own sexual morality because 1.) I put up with a lot of disrespectful behavior (ex. he would just send random texts during the day that said "kneel" or he would want to dress me and show me off) and went past my sexual boundaries to please him (I seemed to have wanted to do anything for his "love" that I would never had done before we were together). 2.) After all of that, I'm still hurt that he hasn't gone leaps and bounds to contact me. He's been silent. I should be appalled and outraged and not checking my phone constantly to see if he found away around my blocking him. This is just another way I feel mindf&^ked. I feel like the scum of the earth for still caring about the actions of a possible child predator. What is wrong with me?

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#16393 - 07/05/14 09:15 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: LisaBlue88]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2787
Loc: United States
Hi LisaBlue, welcome to our community.

It is hard to say without being there as far as him and the younger person, but that said I would say to follow your instincts. On many occasions that is what is telling us the truth in most all situations. It is frequently easier it seems to paint those red flag's white.

There is a reason why you feel all these doubts. It is all about control for them, and many times they will get you to break up with them as an easier route for them. Given that opportunity I would say to grab at the chance to work on your own situation.

I have been working on a writing project interviewing Psychopaths, and they say some very interesting things.

There is nothing wrong with you from what I can see. They prey on kind and caring people and there is nothing wrong with being nice and caring, perhaps working on boundary issues would be a good thing to consider.

If you would like I would be glad to move this conversation to your own thread if you would like to explore some of these issues.

Di

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#16626 - 08/26/15 10:58 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Charlie Offline
member

Registered: 08/22/15
Posts: 3
Hi survivor, Really interesting about putting the lights out, my female Spath wife did exactly the same and I could never figure it out. Fed me a line about being self conscious, yet then demanded the most incredible sexual acts. Almost a light coming on moment for me if you pardon the pun. Charlie

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#16859 - 12/30/16 01:07 PM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Survivor]
Pinetrail Offline
member

Registered: 12/30/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Massachusetts
I was married to a psychopath for near 25 years until he finally ran away because he "could not take it anymore" Nothing I did or said or tried made anything any better- however five years into the horrible situation I did form a plan to get myself and our sons to a safer place legally and financially. It worked out somehow.

Now we are living apart from him ( I divorced him after he asked for the divorce over the phone) but then backtracked and so on )

The problem is contact which is funneled down to email only and he is provocative to say the least but not replying is the best. When I do reply there is little real info given to him- without this he can't figure out how to answer. I generally keep it vague and if I do say anything he retorts in a way that out does the conversation: hard to describe but the effect is he is less angry, more hurt, sicker, sadder, lonely, heart is broken and above happier with no regret. All the insincere manipulative reactions I have come to realize is psychopathic.

Of course I have been morphed into a mentally violent and dangerous person by him. I have been blamed -all familiar to anyone on this forum.

I have however now have two sons that are grown ;both mentally the oldest is ill with Bipolar1- schizoaffective since birth and my youngest son who was of 2 years ago diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia - I live with them and I am struck by the difference that even with these serious diagnosis that they are both very good people, aware and not manipulative at all. Both are med compliant.

I am now 63 and retired with a diagnosis of PTSD ;this is the place I never thought of being in when a young woman. This is a hard place sometimes. Horribly enough a bad day now is ten times better than a "good day" when the psychopath was in our lives. so if you are young you don't have to be me - get out now if you can and I understand that with small kids they become more objects to win then doing the best for them. That's why I stayed and gave continuous support for him to travel for work. It was the only tactic I had and would understand if he didn't come home for a couple of weeks at a time (other women)

All money is gone - he owes me thousands of dollars but won't show in court and then threatens me with court, cops, sheriffs and the FBI- He tries to intimidate me with what he is paranoid of instead of threatening me with what really scares me - (moving back into my immediate area.) so since he "does not regret anything but his heart is broken" he circles our place of residence or where he thinks we live (paranoid I'm not telling the truth) - How creepy. Thankfully he lives several states away but comes into the area while on business ( yup snake in a suit) and takes a side trip.

He is now remarried as he stated, "that if he ever married again it would be for money" and he did exactly that.so he circles us driving one of her cars.

Thanks for listening.

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#16860 - 12/30/16 01:37 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
Pinetrail Offline
member

Registered: 12/30/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Massachusetts
Sex with my psychopath was all about him and he had to be high as it made it better for him - it was robotic and could go on for hours at first, exhausting and painful to say the least and then i refused to comply he became angry that he had to "retrain himself" so i became the frigid controlling partner that made him wait too long - I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I then accidentally discovered that he liked me better when I was incapacitated and he got really experimental then- I was being rewarded for being a mannequin i suppose.

He was very involved with inter racial porn which centered around large back men with blonde women ( I was blonde) it changed when his niece married a black man; then porn became about young blondes with mature black men I know this as I became more aware of what he actually was doing instead of what he said he was doing . Locked in his office "working" He was a Caucasian but claimed he was really a Native American, NOT.

All in all he told me that our life would be good if i just let it be. Again my fault

There was of course other women, adult dating sites and a swingers cub because he was curious. I took care of the kids, worked except for 4 years while they were very young and just an all around good girl.

He is and was a complete waste of time.

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#16973 - 09/09/17 01:20 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
jewls Offline
member

Registered: 09/01/17
Posts: 6
Yes, exactly how my Psychopath acts in bed. I have tried time and time again to feel something from him and work with him on
how it should feel. But it was Greek to him and he just continued to act like some kind of performer or great actor.
It has always felt like he was rehearsing for a movie or something? Any time I would address him on the sub.
it almost always ended up in a fight because he couldn't for the life of him figure out what my problems were.
Didn't he do what he was suppose to just like on the movies? OMG, I have discovered that this man cant feel
but he can pretend really well.
I tolerated this for years pretending that he really was feeling something for me because he said he did. That stopped when I finally realized that he might be a Psychopath. I only came to terms with this possibility around Christmas time last year when I caught him liying to
me and manipulating my family? That's when I started to wonder am I loosing my mind or is there something else going on here?

That's when we started to see a therapist we only went a few times but he had convinced me that I should address my issues with the
therapist and of course I did openly admit that maybe something was wrong with me and that is why we were having problems.(his persuasion)
As soon as I did that, he said we didn't need to go to the therapist anymore and how expensive that is anyway and how he felt that we had figured things out.
I thought we had only got started but because of the expense I agreed.
The minute he was upset with me what came out of his mouth was how crazy I was, how I had to seek help from a therapist who diagnosed me as having schizophrenia and paranoia. What? she didn't tell me that?
Since then I've come to terms he must be a Psychopath. And since then I have started to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Unbelievable I think Ill write a book.


Edited by jewls (09/09/17 10:04 AM)

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#16974 - 09/09/17 10:34 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: LisaBlue88]
jewls Offline
member

Registered: 09/01/17
Posts: 6
Hi, I am new also and thank you for your story. I can relate as to how you must feel.
Our sexual experiences were somewhat the same. Not with a child included however, there is always a
? in the back of my mind as to how low is low? Anyhow, I can relate to your sexual boundaries being crossed. In my case
He took that to the next level and before I knew it he was making fun of me in front of other ppl. with regards to our sex life in front of me.
Nothing is safe with a Psychopath. it is a twisted bag of toys for them to see ppl uncomfortable.
You are lucky to be away from him and they do not change! Their only focus is how they can stimulate their needs nothing else matters. Don't want him to call! it gets better once you realize how really bad, bad can get. I've been working on this for 15 years. And I am embarrassed to admit it. I just kept denying it over and over until now I have to face it. What your going through is what I went through in our first stages and you are being tested to see if you will start the acceptance roll. That's what happened to me. They are always counting on a kind and loving sole. They remind me of Vampire movies without the teath.

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#16975 - 09/09/17 10:40 AM Re: Sex and the Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
jewls Offline
member

Registered: 09/01/17
Posts: 6
I agree totally, I am so thankful for having this forum to at least express my feelings Its like a breath of fresh air. I finally feel like I'm not alone.
Thank you!!

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