1Healing,

Glad to hear that you are finding some healthy ways of recovering from your relationship with the psychopath.

One thing I would take issue with is the idea that the psychopaths do anything to "kill the pain", because they don't FEEL pain in any true emotional sense. Pain is not getting what they want.

In the aftermath of when I was with a psychopath, I took to alcohol to numb the pain. But, I am definitely not a psychopath. I am simply a person who couldn't believe that this supposedly "perfect" person, who I thought the psychopath was due to the lies and convincing image created by them, was not at all who I thought. I missed being the object of the psychopath's desire. Their desire is so strong and fierce, at the time it seems like the most intense, amazing connection in the world. You feel fabulous until their gaze focuses upon someone else. And it always will. And they will always play the victim to you.

Anyway, my healing journey is also continuing. There are days like today where it is hard. I get stuck thinking back instead of forward. I crave alcohol to numb the pain, to shut my brain down from having to think about the psychopath, but I continue to fight for my life, my sobriety. The hardest line of the Serenity prayer is, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." Like you, like many, I have a hard time accepting what happened, making peace with it, accepting that I can't change the past. Like Dianne has said before, psychopaths don't choose the weak. They choose the strong, perhaps the strong who have vulnerabilities that can be potentially exploited, but nonetheless strong, good, empathic people. It is also because we are strong that it is hard to accept our bad judgment for falling into the trap of being with the psychopath in the first place. Yet, it is only through accepting that we did the best we could at the time with the knowledge we had, that we can be easy on ourselves, forgive ourselves for being duped time and again by the psychopath's words.

skybluepaint, I've read your previous posts, and this one, and I know exactly how you feel.
I had my time with alcohol also. It started with the Psychopath. Parties, crazy ppl. I found myself lost in the world of ppl who had nothing better to do but get drunk. And after all hell broke loose, I found myself craving for things that made me numb. I'd drink every day sometimes. It was kinda scary but I also knew that that was the only way to make it through at that time.

Maybe thats why I appreciate life more now, I am incredibly happy and I I found a way to love life to the fullest. Or maybe I just was like this before, and he destroyed it. But its back, and it feels great. All it takes is patience. So sometimes, when those bad feelings get to me, like today - I just breath deep and remember that it's only time. Patience is all, and it will guide you. Knowing that everything will pass, that there is no pain that lasts a lifetime is comforting. Theres no such thing as a change for bad. Coz every one of them teaches you, you grow wiser. If you can experience it.

What troubles me still though is the anxiety, coz together with the pain, all the love for this person had to die. And even though its been a long time, I am still not in a place to love again. Worse, I dont even want to. I am scared by ppl. I tend to look out too much. A smallest mistake and I am petrified. Its not that Im scared of people, but I became more distant, more calculating with ppl.
I want to trust that, just like my happiness, it will come back. But I find it hard to trust people.

Newbird,

Great post! I have to hope it is true that change is good because you become wiser, stronger. There is still a part of me that is in the process of letting go. I suppose the holidays now are triggering a lot of things for me. I'm back in the city where I first met Psychopath and spent her birthday with her, Xmas eve, five years ago. And it was two years ago, when we were both living in different places, that I didn't call at the right time due to being time zones away, that she used this as her excuse to lure in the next victim at a party, make him feel sorry for her, enlist him as her counselor, use him, the same pattern with which she suckered me in. Stupidly in denial, I spent a year trying to reconcile, to recapture what I thought was there, plus another year drowning my sorrows. Only now,am I finally at the point where I can feel the full extent of the pain, let go. As you said, "IF you can experience it" and for a long time, I tried not to experience it, because the reality was too hard to face.

I had never loved anyone so much, so hard, so intensely. Too find out this person was never who I thought she was, to finally see her "dark side" (her words) and put all of the odd words, lack of empathy, the crazy pieces of the puzzle together was excruciatingly painful. She stole my innocence. So, I totally understand how you are not in a place to love again. Right now, I wonder, too, if I'll ever feel like that again. But a good counselor once told me that it is important to not confuse intensity with intimacy. Being with a psychopath is intense, but it isn't intimate. They can't understand what you feel, can't love you and put you first. It is like an addiction to their craziness and constantly trying to help them.

I do think you are on the right path, one I hope to follow, which is to refind yourself, a new self, a better self. Energy is pretty amazing stuff. As you begin to resonate on a more positive, wholesome energy level, you will attract that same energy to you, good energy, and good people. With increased understanding, you are better able to see who people are. I agree with you, though, it will probably be a while before I can fully let my guard down and love like that again.

skybluepaint, I agree with you, the holidays are triggering a lot of these bad feelings.
I know exactly how you feel about these triggers of the place. I made a decision a long time ago to "overwrite" all these places/memories. Everything that was connected with Psychopath - I tried to connect with sth or someone else. It works to some extend, and has proven to be enough. I still get these moments when I just stop and think how it was. But I very quickly go from that to picturing his face in my face, dead eyes, weird grimace, and all the hate burning in him when he was hurting me. And I get this relief.

"and for a long time, I tried not to experience it, because the reality was too hard to face."

I know, me too. I don't even think I would've done it without alcohol. It's sad to think that, but its the truth (and again being honest about it is the only way:) And I don't really think I could go through it again. I couldn't. Honestly, this was too much. I had to numb the pain, there was no other way. Nothing helped.

The intensity of the feeling with a Psychopath is trully amazing. Someone here on this forum compared it all to the Psychopath taking you to the mountain top with him/her, just to throw you off the edge and watch you fall and crush witha smile on their face. It really is like that. They take everything from you. Literally everything. Then they leave you with no life, and unable to live. With a world turned upside down.

But the positive thing is once you make it through, you become this perfect version of yourself. I feel "upgraded" somehow. I let go off everything, coz I had nothing to loose anymore, and thanks to that I looked or things I may have never looked for, had I stayed the way I was. It made me find myself and love myself. And you cannot ever be happy if you don't love yourself. Once you do, the whole world doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if its good or bad outside, if you're fine inside nothing can make you sad. Or at least not for long:)

And when you're so positive, the world around you gets positive, it's true. It works the same way as the smile - it is contiguous. And it is so great, coz, once you've made this incredible effort for this really long time, you will see the effects now. And once they are coming slowly, you become happy again, and from the on it's perpetual. Coz when you're happy it goes out to the world around and then others are happy and they make you even happier and so on:D
I realized how, within just a few weeks I got to a point of utter happiness. I would compare it all to trying to roll a wheel, thats so heavy, you have to put all of your energy in it, but the more you do the easier it gets, and then you reach a point when it just rolls by itself:) So now, even when Im sad like a few days ago, I have these ppl around who will cheer me up and make me feel so great. But to be in this place and have these ppl around I had to try real hard to roll the wheel:)


I've been think about what you wrote "Right now, I wonder, too, if I'll ever feel like that again.". I've been questioning this forever. And now I finally got it, that I was asking the wrong question in the first place!
The question isn't "IF". Will I ever love like that - first of all you cannot really answer that, how could you? Second - why does that matter? The REAL question is - do you WANT TO love like that? Do I? Hell no! Of course, I want to love and trust, but nit like that! Not blindly, not with this weird gut-feeling that sth's wrong.
What I want, is someone I can trust and who takes care of me, just as much as I do care for them. Someone who DESERVES my love. So I am being at peace with it, and just go slow on this. I met many ppl, but I wont get into anything unless I know them well.

Hi

It's been some months now. I'm trying what I can. I guess I can just write down what seems to be some weakness, honesty
It doesn't go a day by without me thinking of her. Analyzing past happenings, realizing times she'd cheated, and while I was suspicious when ever I would imply that I wanted to ask her - the accusations were thrown on me that I was the one
What the [censored] was going on. I could not think, it's like...tranquilized. Paralyzed
I'm reading up all the time. I was reading about archetypes on some site and this struck me so; The Black Widow


I had not heard from Psychopaths in over a month I think. I got a message on xmas day



Use my empathy...I know it's nothing, no meaning. There's someone new now. That much is obvious as the crave for attention has vanished completely...it's just...some poor effort to keep me tangled. I hope the new victim(s) googles her and finds my blog

I miss some of it. She was my first.."love". I miss the fun conversation, we were both good at pulling each others' strings and having a great time.
I would have to fight quite hard should she have shown up at my door right now. I would have made it but it would be tough

I want her. I don't want the fake love but I still want her. I want that whole experience of being together. All those highs.
That is what part of me wants and that is hard and weird to admit, as it's beyond destructive

The head prevails though. It's always been stronger. I just let my guard down. Way down.
I allowed myself to feel. To be. To live in the moment. To let go. To be my real self with someone.
I hope to be able to do that with someone in a healthy relationship somehow. If not, at least with myself.

Merry xmas all and hope you're all doing better every day. Some days are great, other days falling back into the deep hole. I will even excuse myself for writing this at the moment I feel I am being narcissistic for rambling like this.
I read the stories and advice above. I like it.

Best of luck in life and forward
James

I just heard this and had to post it before I forgot:

Every day that the people who hurt you get to live in your head for free -- is too long.

Wow, that's an awesome idea. Maybe we could start either charging them late fees with interest and penalties, or evict them for good. Eh?

Happy New Year from blue heron

That's a good one, blueheron:D

"This New Year's Eve you can lay the groundwork for continued growth without making any resolutions except one--to let go of the past, connect with yourself, to Wake Up, and be Present."

Hi Deb,

I really feel for everyone that has been with a Psychopath. It is a horrible existence!

I've been with my Psychopath for about 19 1/2 years. She has not only taken anything I liked and torn it down but also went way out of her way in private and public to make it sound horrible and stupid to like music, reading, dancing and even people. I think that God has somehow kept me "asleep" as to what my Psychopath is until the last two and a half years, maybe to get my last two children (daughters) far enough along where if I leave now they'll be alright or at least be able to cope and maybe they'll decide to come and live with me after they realize she is no good. I'm "awake" now! For now she has got them thinking I am incompetent, can't remember anything and don't listen or understand whatever topic is on the table at the time.

Life with her has been so absolutely crazy. As an example, I wanted to take everyone to a matinee and she says she doesn't want to go, but, tomorrow while my daughters have the day off of school and I don't have a day off of work - she's taking them without me.
It I want to rent a movie to watch with her, she'll wait until we have a fight and then rent it and watch it without me.
I could write a book about my bazaar life with her and I might. I could go on with thousands of examples of her insanity.

No one knows that she is a Psychopath but me. She puts on her mask with everyone else. She has almost eliminated any contact I have with friends or family and we are located in a location where no one is close enough to drive and see or to go and live with. We'd have to sell our house and I'd loose everything as far as physical stuff - she'd see to that. I want to leave her, but I'm so concerned she'll make my two daughters much more of her targets than they are now if I'm not around for her to constantly pick on. She'll make sure I loose my precious daughters as well - she'll keep turning them against me.

There is nothing more important to her than being right about everything and she won't stop bugging me until I agree with her. I can't stand it much longer. My daughters will be better off in long run if I get away and start to get my sanity back so I can be there for them. I haven't had the guts to do it yet, but I will. As I said, I'm awake and that makes it even harder to take than when I was ignorant that she was a full fledged Psychopath. She is spot on in Hare checklist in all buy one - promiscuity.

Someone please give me the courage to leave her before I lose my mind! Thank so much for being there and having this secure place to get this off my chest!

Psychoabused

Hi Psychoabused

I'm really sorry for everything you have been through. It sounds horrendous, truly. I am glad you found us though. Being here, on this forum, has helped me more than I could have ever imagined possible.

From what I've read of your life, you already have the courage. You have had the courage to survive life with this woman, to bring up (at least) two beautiful children. And you have had the courage to see through the mask, to speak out about it (here) and to hope for a better future for both you and your daughters. Those are huge acts of courage, really huge.

You are worried that she'll turn your daughters against you? This is what they do, the dynamic they set up: one of opposition and of conflict. If you're not on my side, you're against me.

She needs to be right the whole time? She'll keep on getting at you until you've given in? She's setting up a conflict there, but you've seen through it now. And you have your own feelings about this ('I can't stand it much longer'), which is another big thing, as they don't want you to have any opinions/feelings of your own (that would be something that could, quite possibly, be in opposition to their opinions and feelings).

There are a couple of threads on this forum written by worried parents/grandparents with children caught up in the middle of it all. It might help you to read them, give you some ideas on how to deal with things, and help you feel less alone too.

Hope that helps. And please ask anything you like. I know I've not answered everything and I know I've left a lot of gaps, suddenly very tired from thinking about it all (but please don't worry, I've been away from mine for half my life now). I'll try and write some more later.

starry,
Thank you for your encouragement and posts to check out.