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#5356 - 03/16/06 07:15 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
mindy Offline
member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 34
Sylvie - thank you. I am still so shaken by him, after all this time. I feel physically sick at the thought of accidentally coming into contact with him. It is an effort to meet common friends. So - to hear your appreciation means a lot - gives me added strength to carry on. I still weep at night - sometimes for him, sometimes for myself. If i did have to give my soul away to someone, why was it him? mindy.

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#5357 - 03/19/06 06:55 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: mindy]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Hi Mindy,

Anytime. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that we got so involved with such soul-less characters but it does happen eventually and it is incredibly liberating. I know it's especially difficult if you have mutual friends - I too was in a similar situation, we had common acquaintances. Once I distanced myself, it got much easier. It's a very personal decision though and not always easy to carry out. Hang in there, time really is a great healer.

Regards,
Sylvie

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#5358 - 03/19/06 12:05 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to mention this book that many seem to recommend. It's called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. It doesn't have anything to do with Ps directly but I thought it might be helpful because it apparently talks about first impressions etc. Here's a quote from the Amazon.com review, "the key is to rely on our "adaptive unconscious"--a 24/7 mental valet--that provides us with instant and sophisticated information to warn of danger, read a stranger, or react to a new idea."

I haven't read it yet but it's on my list. At the very least, it sounds like an interesting read.

Regards,
Sylvie

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#5359 - 03/19/06 01:10 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
mindy Offline
member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 34
Hi sylvie,

thanks again.

yes - time is the one thing that REALLY helps.

mutual friends is a tough one to sort out - but i am getting there, bit by bit

:-)

mindy

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#5360 - 03/21/06 05:52 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
You know I've been thinking about this today, and trying to sort out what it was about this character that seemed to totally short out that body awareness for me or at least gave me something that made me want to doubt my instincts. And what I realized was this. The one thing about him that was so very appealing to me was the fact that he was always so calm, and never ever seemed to get too upset about anything. I remember telling him he was like my shelter in the storms.

Course he WAS the storms as well, and he always seemed the happiest when I was broken down and weeping from his sadistic emotional mind games. But his "steadyness" was always so calming to me.

So I went out and found an article today about psycopaths and states of arousal and how their arousal threshold is very much higher than normal controls. That means that when they get excited their heartbeat slows down much faster than normal people and they are not as easily aroused, their startle reflex is about non existent, and they just don't get all that excited in situations that would excite normal people. Drama that would normally have everyone in a high state of agitation just doesn't phase them, for example.

And for someone like me who spent the majority of my life in a hypervigilant state because of chronic ptsd from my foo, that was a major positive change for me and made me actually feel SAFE. Of course when you are talking about P's who are also psychopathic killers, this is why they so easily lure victims. On the other hand, weren't we all lured victims?

How do you protect against that? I dunno, but it is something I am becoming very aware of.

Diane1969

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#5361 - 03/22/06 06:03 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Diane1969]
Vanessa715 Offline
member

Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
absolutely diane....same here...

he was so CALM...seemed to take life 'all in stride'...and i liked that about him...little did i know it was because he didnt care about anything...so why get flustered...

and then later...the only time he did show emotion...it was when he was being questions...or his little make believe world was being threatened...

as for how u protect urself against it...

i think knowledge...for starters...the more u know...the more u can spot it and stay away....

but for me i'm also just listening to my instinct a lot more...bc I KNOW there were many times my gut told me that this man and this relationship wasnt right...and ignored it because i LISTENED to HIM...INSTEAD of what my instincts were trying to tell me..>BIG MISTAKE...cost me dearly...

but anyway...i wont make that mistake again...

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#5362 - 03/22/06 07:04 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Vanessa715]
tiasa1234 Offline
member

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 193
I can relate to that so much (the calm demeaner)... Though, "mine" was not able to keep his "mask" on very long and he DID get irate at times (over things he had no "control" over, ie: his "roomate" (lady he "suckered into" living with free room and board!) was selling her condo and moving to a smaller, more affordable one - (he obviously has followed her, since (as far as I know) he hasn't found a "new model" ... YET!) But he had a FIT because he'd have to have a smaller room and move farther away from the "city" where more targets can be found! LOL. Tough luck, eh? (Beggars can't be chosers?!)

But, yes, he was (when things went HIS way, which was often) very cool, calm and collected (the fact that he was high on pot most of the time might have explained some of that too!) ;-)

Creeps!

Toads, yes... and WE saw them as PRINCES... but, thank God... the SPELL has been BROKEN!!! LOL!

<3 Tiasa
_________________________
If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was worth it!

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#5363 - 03/23/06 05:29 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: tiasa1234]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
My ex was obviously "bothered" by a lot of things. He was envious of everyone and never had anything nice to say about anyone UNLESS he was face to face with them. Any signs he wasn't in control of the people in his life and he would become irate. But face to face with me (and I saw it everytime with others) he was CALM. It was part of his charm.

All this was before he became very comfortable with me. He was abusive and used a kind of psuedo anger with me to control me. But the only times I saw him lose his cool completely were those time he scared the bejeezus out of me when I would turn around and catch him staring at me with those flipping dialated eyes (totally dialated) and bulging veins.... or when I had just done something that demonstrated I wasn't under his control (like having an opinion that differed from his, or stood up for someone he was badmouthing, etc.), and once when someone stole his car from his driveway.

Most of the time I let him believe he was in control, even though it seemed to me that he wasn't much in control of his own life and himmself, and that seemed to keep him pretty stable with me.

This ex girlfriend of his that I've become friends with tells a much different story. She is much more independent than I am and with her he was much the way as more out of control P's on here are described. He fought with her often and tried to overpower her physically. He drugged her at one time, removed her clothing and had sex with her while she was unconscious. He broke down a door once that she tried to put betweeen them. So, he was much more physical with her than with me.

Diane1969

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#5364 - 03/23/06 08:15 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Diane1969]
Anonymous
Unregistered


All of these stories are really crazy, the reason they sound so crazy. I had to deal with the same issues as you Dianne, your situation sounds indentical to mine. A girlfriend of a good friend of mine, she told my buddy, my ex was fake. A few of my other close friends could see how fake my ex was when it came to my ex being genuine and caring. My ex claimed to have tons of freinds too. No one really liked her other than those who had to like her. Co-workers, family and so on.

"He was envious of everyone and never had anything nice to say about anyone UNLESS he was face to face with them. Any signs he wasn't in control of the people in his life and he would become irate. But face to face with me (and I saw it everytime with others) he was CALM. It was part of his charm."

"or when I had just done something that demonstrated I wasn't under his control (like having an opinion that differed from his, or stood up for someone he was badmouthing, etc.)"

My ex wife was the same way with the quotes above. When she lost control (screaming and yelling) she considered that to be in control.
It seemed my ex would also freak out if something went wrong. e.g....If the dinner I picked up for us (take out) was wrong, French fries on her platter vs mash potatoes. Her reaction would be out of control blaming me for messing up her order and never letting up through out our dinner and night. She would be so upset with me that she would usually go to bed early saying she wasn't in the mood for my company. But her going to bed early was usually a norm for us. She would complain that we never do anything together. When I would make an attempt she would shut me out and once again head for bed. I was always in a no win situation.

My ex told me in the beginning of our relationship. that her previous boyfriend would lock her in the basement or lock her out of the house in the cold. She also told me her ex used to put her down in front of her friends and family. She told me her ex was a very mean person. I wonder now if she was describing what she did to him?

She told me early on in our relationship they always fought. During our arguments I would point out that maybe she has issues because it seems we are starting where they left off with her ex (always arguing/fighting) She would than claim they had a great relationship and they never fought like we do. Anyway, I share your pain Dianne, I really do.


Edited by Stempysong (03/23/06 08:46 AM)

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#5365 - 03/26/06 07:55 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: tiasa1234]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Help, I'm having trouble coping. Three months of no contact, Iíve been ok, even happy for the past couple of weeks, keeping myself busy, going to the gym, meeting lots of new people, and then last night, out of nowhere, this wave just hit me Ė I was out with friends and just started crying -- I couldnít stop thinking about my P and how maybe I didnít try hard enough or didnít give him enough. My logic isnít strong enough to overcome these feelings. I miss him, it hurts, and I KNOW, I know Iím better now and Iím not being controlled or lied to or half-living, but I just donít understand whyÖ
-maria

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