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#5366 - 03/26/06 09:35 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: maria]
Deb Offline
member

Registered: 02/25/06
Posts: 85
Maria,

Don't beat up on yourself for how you feel. Just let the tears flow, they are cleansing. Give your emotions time, they will catch up with the logical part of you. I have watched this happen within myself.

P's are successful at manipulating us because of the unique way that they 'hook' into our emotions. These emotional hooks are so strong that they disconnect our emotions from our intellect. With the logical part of our mind disabled like this, it is almost impossible to see the red flags that would otherwise be obvious. DIVIDE AND CONQUER is a P's approach.

Part of the healing process is the re-uniting of emotion and intellect, and because of the hooks, emotion will always be more than a few steps behind. Suddenly you are hit with an emotional tidal wave and you feel like you are losing ground, but just the opposite is true. Your intellect has progressed far enough to pull emotions up to speed ~~ but the emotions need to cleanse out the old hook debris in order to move on. (Think of intellect and emotion connected with a bungy cord, if that helps.) Thusly you find yourself in the midst of an emotional wave. It is good, it is OK, and it signals that all is going well in the healing process. You have understood enough intellectually to undo enough emotional hooks so your emotions can do some catch-up. Congratulate yourself and keep going. It is all good.

Also, since positive undoes negative, it is not surprising at all that this 'pain' wave hit you while you were out having a good time with friends. Your logic is MORE than stong enough, it is undoing those painful hooks that your P worked in so carefully while you were with him. Hurray for you!








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#5367 - 03/26/06 10:36 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Deb]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Thank you, Deb. Your explanation of intellect/emotion and how a P. affects these is really helpful. And thanks for helping me see the positive in what I'm feeling. Thank you, thank you.



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#5368 - 03/28/06 06:33 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: mindy]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Diane, Mindy, Sylvie, Tiasa,

Thanks for all those coping suggestions - they are really helpful! When I'm needing a boost, I go back and read them.

Do you guys have any advice on how to give closure to our relationships with P? He disappeared from my life, I've seen him on the street a couple of times since then(the first I tried to say hi and he walked away without acknowledging my presence and the second I just ignored him). I don't expect him to have the decency to offer closure, so I have to put my own ending to this story. And i think I have begun to and every day is a step towards that and away from him. But I do find myself thinking that if I were to see him again, I'd try to talk to him, if only for that sense of closure.

Any thoughts?

maria

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#5369 - 03/28/06 09:27 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: maria]
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
Maria -

You will never get from a P the kind of closure that normal people need from a relationship that has ended. My suggestion would be to have no contact at all. Any type of communication with the P just gives him more opportunity to hurt and manipulate you. P's don't care about anyone's feelings. It's all about them and what they want. All that is on a P's agenda is how to hurt, manipulate, deceive, and cheat others. Hang in there and be strong!

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#5370 - 03/28/06 03:06 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: maria]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Closure came for me when I could get up every morning and feel blessed that it was another pain-free, betrayal-free, P-free day. Gratitude is the key for me to setting the frames right for my life TODAY.

Also, I came to realize that accepting that daily rejection, daily betrayal, and daily pain when the P was part of my life was MY choice and under MY control. I love exercising that control and saying no to the P and the pain that is the only thing they have to offer anyone in this world.

Diane1969

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#5371 - 03/29/06 01:17 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: maria]
mindy Offline
member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 34
Maria,

He will never give you closure. That is NOT the way of such people.

I would recommend do not speak to him, talk to him, or look to him for anything, not even the common politeness we show perfect strangers.

Closure will have to come from you, from within you. I struggled with that for a long, long time. In the beginning i too would look to him, would hope that he would at least tell me why. But no. Looking to him just meant more hurt, more humiliation, more erosion of my self esteem. It is only when i stopped turning to him for answers and began seeking them elsewhere that i found any sort of closure. This forum helped a lot, because the people here validated all that i felt, and helped me understand that i wasn't crazy, wasn't a neurotic, wasn't a complete fool. It also helped answer the why that had been plaguing me for months - i realised that his behaviour, for him, was perfectly normal, and that the reasons he did what he did stemmed from what he was, not from the way I was. That was the beginning of closure for me.

And then, i read. i read and read and read. about psychopaths. about crime. the more i understood the better i felt.

i began working again.

i spent time with my children.

i forced myself to do the million little tasks of everyday life.

and slowly i found my self worth coming back, and with it my sense of perspective returning.

sometimes i still cry. but it no longer hurts the way it used to. most times though, i look back on the whole experience with bemusement, and usually end up celebrating my escape.

today, for teh first time in many months, i actually felt that were i to run into him by chance, i would be able to face him without flinching. that is a victory of sorts.

i would say - hang in there, trust in time and in yourself. closure will come. it has to. and it will come from you. NOT from him. NEVER from him.

mindy

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#5372 - 03/30/06 10:01 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: maria]
Deb Offline
member

Registered: 02/25/06
Posts: 85
Maria,

I have to agree with Diane, Mindy and Neverthesame. You will never get closure from him and it ALL has to come from you. You deserve closure, and might have the chance to get it if you were in a normal relationship ~~ wanting it is normal and healthy. Unfortunately, he is not normal nor healthy. I waited for MONTHS for an apology from my ex. I certainly deserved one ~~ still do! ~~ but I know it will never happen. It takes awhile to wrap your mind around that. Interaction will only re-open things.

I think someone has mentioned journalling on this forum elsewhere. I journalled extensively early on and found it to be very helpful. Here is an excerpt from my journal entry dated April 23, 2001:

"Today is my day of reclamation and closure. I know I will never receive the satisfaction of closure from ____, but I am determined to have it anyway, for myself.

Today I reclaim my dignity,
my value
my joy
my laughter
my heart
my affection
my respect
my intelligence
my power
~~~~~the list goes on...

I take back my right to be who I am..... I no longer feed you"

Recognizing the aspects of myself that he had drained from me was great for me. Perhaps this exercise would help you also. You might be surprised at the list you are able to come up with, I know I was.

Sylvie, you mentioned listening to music as a coping suggestion earlier. I would like to expand on that one a bit. My ex loved to make fun of my taste in music. (Only joking, OF COURSE). His point was to degrade me about myself via my musical choices.

I have found that now listening to ANY SONG I really enjoy is tremendously healing. More so, listening to those songs with the volume up REALLY REALLY LOUD has been awesome. I was able to go out yesterday (first time in weeks) and I had my car totally vibrating with music that I LOVE ~~ mostly just one song which I played over and over. Sometimes I just drink it in, sometimes I sing along (loudly) and sometimes I cry because it just feels so good. Living life out loud is so much better than having it muffled by a P.



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#5373 - 03/30/06 01:01 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Deb]
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
Amen, sister!

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#5374 - 03/31/06 08:56 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: neverthesame]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Thanks, girls! Everything you all wrote has been really helpful, and deep down, I know - he will never provide closure because it's something he knows I want, need. I keep telling myself he is sick and I don't expect from sick people something that they can't give. It IS difficult to wrap my head around this, because if he's sick, how come I stayed with him for 2.5 years and what does that say about me, or make me?
The support I've found here has been an incredible source of strength - I hope one day *soon* I'll be where all of you are and can help others out of the deep, dark pit!

-maria

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#5375 - 03/31/06 09:07 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Deb]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
I think this poem is perfect for all of us who lost ourselves with our P...
-m


Love After Love
by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the otherís welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

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