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#5345 - 02/23/06 01:48 PM Coping Suggestions
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Here you go....... Great idea, Sylvie

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#5347 - 03/02/06 09:01 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Dianne E.]
Diane1969 Offline
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Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Here is a great copy strategy. I think of my P as "the toad" or "the creepy little man/" This helps to keep things in perspective and keeps me from allowing the glamor to cover my eyes again.

Another is to mentally and emotionally put a best friend in your place. How would your feelings change if you saw this happening to someone you loved? What advice would you give her? Then follow through. This is actually a very good technique to keep you out of "his" space and into your own.

Diane1969

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#5348 - 03/06/06 12:21 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Diane1969]
Diane1969 Offline
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Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Here is another one that I used right after I broke up with the P for the last time when all those heart-strings started pulling again and I started forgetting all the pain he caused me.

I bought a CD by the band Evanescence and listened to it every day. This girl sings about that kind of addicted painful relationship stuff... very good reminder, and oddly healing.

Diane1969

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#5349 - 03/12/06 07:23 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Diane1969]
sylvie25 Offline
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Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
(Good ones Diane 1969).

Hi all,

I spent quite a while putting together a list of suggestions last weekend and then promptly sent it into the wild, blue yonder (duh!). So anyhow, thought I’d redo it in Word this time.

These are some of the activities I found helpful and some that other posters suggested. I've written many before so they may be familar to "older" posters. Just rehashing in this thread. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be one major panacea for the trauma of having had a relationship (romantic/corporate/ personal) with a P. The hope is that these activities have an incremental, positive effect, whether for moments or for days... The underlying message is that despite the devastation Ps wreak, it's important to believe in your capacity to turn things around.

- Thought stopping - this was one of the best suggestions I read in this forum because, as many of us have probably experienced, obsessive thoughts about these situations are common – they can be incredibly draining and counterproductive. Look up “thought stopping” on the internet (Google, Mamma.com, etc.) and try to practice these techniques.

- Listening to music/reading/movies – This ties into the above point since both of them are great diversionary activities. I love music and usually found it uplifting – it felt like an antidote of sorts, to the toxic energy Ps seem to generate. Reading too is an amazing gift and has the ability to transport us anyplace. I found reading biographies particularly helpful – some serve to remind us that many people have had deep, personal struggles and not only did they prevail over these, they eventually thrived.

- Attitude On days when it seemed like nothing would work to lift my mood, I would decide to stop fighting it and relent, just try and ride it out (sleep, be a couch potato, whatever) but with the belief that the next day would be better. So much of the fight in situations like this is mental. Also, my GP recommended B-complex (seems to stabilize moods) and magnesium (calming effect). Seemed to help. Even though they’re over-the-counter, suggest checking with your own doctors before taking anything.

- Counselling/therapy – Good outlet – just the opportunity to be able to talk things out and not internalize everything. If there are financial constraints, faith-based counselling may be a viable alternative. Some domestic violence organizations have counsellors on staff. For those who feel they are slipping into a clinical depression, it is just absolutely paramount to seek professional help before it gets worse.

- Exercise – for the stress relief and confidence boost. Maybe join a running club or something.

- Connect with friends/family – Relationships can be affirming – they give us a frame of reference and remind us of who we are and what is important to us. Even if you think your friends may not understand what it’s like to be in a relationship with a P, perhaps just letting them know you are going to a rough time may be sufficient to elicit their support. One of the reasons Ps try to isolate their targets is so that they lose their sense of identity and the P can then re-mould them into someone they can control and subjugate.

The converse of this is that it may be wise to distance yourself (perhaps temporarily) from people who you feel are negative and drag you down. It’s a personal decision but one that I eventually made.

- Letters, videotapes I’m pretty sentimental so I tend to hang onto letters, yearbooks etc. I found reading them was incredibly uplifting because it reminded me I was once strong, capable and loved by NORMAL, well-adjusted people. At a minimum, dealing with Ps is a major drag and the quickest route to a joyless existence, so reading about fun and happy times can help you hope again. Same goal as the point above, to re-establish your identity and gain strength.

I’ve got a few more that I’ll add as soon as I get a chance. Would be great if others can add their suggestions. Even if some are repetitive, at least it would show how many people those particular activities helped.

Regards,
Sylvie

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#5350 - 03/13/06 05:33 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
Vanessa715 Offline
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Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
Thanks so much Sylvie for compiling that list and sharing it with us. They are great! I've already used many of them and will try some new ones I haven't tried yet.

Thanks to Diane for your ideas also...they are great...although I have much stronger words than 'toad' for my P...;D.


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#5351 - 03/13/06 11:42 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: Vanessa715]
sylvie25 Offline
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Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
You're welcome Vanessa and I can relate to your "toad" comment, lol.

Sylvie

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#5352 - 03/14/06 07:19 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Sylvie, those advices help me a lot!

Actually, conntecting with family/friends reminds me that I want to go out with a friend and do some shopping, then we could eat at an Italian café. And right NOW I want to go and watch my mom playing video games - she usually needs some help too. :-D

Thanks very, very, very, very much for that list!!

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#5353 - 03/14/06 01:03 PM Re: Coping Suggestions
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Hi UpLate,

You're most welcome. Glad you found it helpful.

Regards,
Sylvie


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#5354 - 03/15/06 01:12 AM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: sylvie25]
mindy Offline
member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 34
Hi everybody,

First - sylvie, thanks a million for starting this list. Reading it and adding to it is in itself a 'coping' strategy, because it means doing something positive to help ourselves.

Next - a coping strategy i have found extremely useful:

Do something that makes you feel valued, whatever that may be.

For me it has been work. I am a writer. After my disastrous encounter, I had thought i would never be able to write again, that iw ould have neither the will nor the ability. Fortunately for me, my editor decided to take matters into her own hands and loaded deadline after deadline on to me. I forced myself to meet those deadlines. And now, a year later, i have two new books in print, ten picture books for children in the pipeline, and the first draft of my next book done. I cannot explain how good that makes me feel. Despite all that happened, despite my immense loss of confidence and self esteem, despite all the chaos and destruction in my life, I could get back on my feet and write these books. So, do something that makes you feel good, makes you feel in control of yourself, that tells you, 'hey, I'm not finished'.

And yes - on those days when it gets really bad, go easy on yourselves. We've been to hell and back. It isn't easy to be brave and positive ALL the time. So, when it's really really awful, curl up with a bar of chocolate and your favourite blanket and weep your eyes out if u need to. It helps immensely.

One more thought: all my life i have believed that there is always some good in what happens to us. That good is often hard to see or understand, but somehow, somewhere it surfaces. A year ago i thought my life had ended. But now, i see how much i have gained because of what happened: my marriage has come together again, my friendships have been confirmed and reaffirmed,and i have learnt so much about life and about love. Yes - about love. I have learnt what it is to truly love, to give, to receive, from all those who have held me thru this very long night. I have learnt how much i can love. I've learnt about betrayal and about pain too - and because of that, i find i am a kinder, more understanding person. Long ago, i had broken someone's heart. I found the courage to go back to him, to talk to him and write to him. We're friends again - stronger than before. I am richer for all of this. And the man who set out to destroy me? Do u know where he is? He has lost his job, his son is having major behavioural problems, and his behaviour has been such that slowly people are seeing him for what he is and distancing themselves from him one by one. So don't give up. Believe in yourself and in natural justice. It exists.

mindy

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#5355 - 03/15/06 12:02 PM Re: Coping Suggestions [Re: mindy]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Hi Mindy,

Good to see you back and you're welcome. That's a great suggestion - nothing like keeping busy and feeling accomplished to take one's mind of P toxicity. It is empowering.

Writing takes a lot of focus and determination - it sure says a lot that you were able to bootstrap yourself up and get all of that done. Good for you.

Regards,
Sylvie

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