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#544 - 10/13/02 07:03 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
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> This also illustrates why it is important to fully separate from a bad relationship, particularly one with a psychopath, before entering into a new relationship.

Wow, after reading through all these threads, I realize how I fell so easily into a predator's hands. After 23 years in a relationship with a kind person, but sexually dysfunctional, I was starved for sexual attention, to feel like a woman who was desired. I immediately attracted someone who I know now is a psychopath. I just ended the relationship after 2 months of abuse, which began almost right after the affair began. At first, I thought it was a matter of PTSD with BPD (bad enough), as his last wife commited suicide and he was severely traumatized (this was 4 years ago). But now I'm sure he drove her to suicide. My hair stands on end after reading through these threads.

The pattern fits so exactly, from sympathy for my starved sexual life, giving incredible great sex lasting for hours at the beginning (but little or no foreplay), hints about his group marriage "hippie" friends, just hang and enjoy playing, then learning about daily pot smoking, other substance abuse, no visible signs of income, lying about other relationships, hysterical jealousy if I talk even about a male friend, walking away from me or changing the subject if I talked about myself, making up illnesses so I would take care of him (and of course, not up for sex), miraculous recoveries only to ditch our date and make sure I knew he was going to spend the time with another woman.

Finding this forum is like finding the calm center of the eye of a hurricane. The pattern is so well-defined. I can begin to put the pieces of my life together again.

Thank God it was only a short time. But the intense psychological/emotional brutality shut me down sexually for good it feels like...I'm seeking therapy to understand my vulnerabilities and to close these "holes" in my personality. I went from passive abuse to active abuse. It was like taking candy from a baby.

Much love to everyone!

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#545 - 10/13/02 09:44 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,

"I don't know if it is a good or bad quality to give others the benefit of the doubt. Well not good with a p."

No, this quality does not serve us (or anyone) with a psychopath. The challenge for us maybe was/is to develop a core strength in which we know who we are and what we stand for. As (can't think of her name, but I think is one of the women on "The View") titled her book, "If You Don't Stand For Something, You'll Fall For anything."

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#546 - 10/13/02 09:47 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it, We all fell for it.

Welcome to the forum.

It is so helpful when we discover we are not alone.

kris

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#547 - 10/13/02 06:33 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris -
The interesting thing was, I did know or so I thought. Three years of no demand attention made an inroad to my heart. I thought he loved me. I didn't need the words, his actions were all about it. But there were a few signs even then, I just rationalized them away.
Yes, I fell for it! Lock, stock and barrel!
But now. . .
finished

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#548 - 10/14/02 05:49 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


The first time I fled his house in the middle of the night was after an evening and night of being forced to listen to him rant and rave about his prior marriages and the intimate details of his life with the one who committed suicide. He had been drinking heavily for the past few days because of his "bad" back. This was after 3 nights prior of being awakened in the middle of the night to deal with his "bad back", giving massages, listening to his groans of pain and tossing and turning. I was becoming sleep deprived. His eyes were very strange and this scene, although new in our relationship, seemed familiar. I decided to sleep on the couch, I told him I could not have another night of interrupted sleep.
.
At that point I realized where I had seen those type of eyes before and experienced this type of treatment: my father. The entire family was continually subjected to his demand for total control over where our attention should be focused: on him. He had been eventually diagnosed as bipolar, but now I know this was not true. He was in truth, a psychopath and my mother was his slave. She had no center. You would ask her something about herself, her own feelings and you would get a blank stare...she didn't know how to own herself, my father owned her feelings, her mind, her soul. She only became angry when her children grew up and we left the nest, and she became the sole focus of my father's domination. I did her fighting for her, but it could never be enough. She needed her children to be a buffer for her so she wouldn't have to bear the brunt of this alone.
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My father used to get upset because he said he could never "break me, get me to cry." I never came to him for advice or help, he wanted me to need him...I refused to need him. He told me that when I was 3, I had misbehaved and he had me in a corner and was hitting me. I wouldn't cry and every time he hit me, I tried to hit him back. However, near the end of his life, I was the only one in the family who received an apology from him. He admitted that he didn't love himself.
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The surrealness of all this is recognizing this pattern, this feeling of deja vue. And the reptilian stare of those eyes. You cannot escape the uniqueness of that stare, no matter what the color. Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it...how they drill into you, draw you in and capture you. You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you.
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I went back to this P, thinking I was too over sensitive because of my background, but quickly realized in the past 2 weeks that something was terribly wrong and I was with someone very dangerous, who was intent on "breaking" me and "owning" me. And I broke up for good.
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This weekend I found this forum and discovered the profound truth of what my parents' relationship had really been. The puzzle pieces fit together now. The bipolar label didn't cover what was really going on. I'm in shock, shaking, but I feel waves of relief rushing through me, I understand now.
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Knowledge and truth, no matter how horrific, is better than being in the dark.

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#549 - 10/14/02 07:28 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dear I fell for it aka "Iffi" (for short, 'k?), Congratulations on deciphering your own psychopathic familiar pattern and explaining so accurately the reality of the psychopath. Your description of the way the psychopath operates:

"They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."

Yes, Iffi, excellent depiction of what I experienced while still ignorant about the malignant forces in my life.

It makes me really appreciate how far I've come even though the pain of the lessons has been more than I've thought I could bear at times.

Welcome to the forum. Please continue to post! I've enjoyed your honest contribution.

Cherie

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#550 - 10/14/02 08:32 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished, This man sounds especially cold and frightening. It's true, anyone would feel safe about a person after three years of kind, warm, undemanding attention. And if there were only a few signs, in those three years, of course you would rationalize them away. The healthiest of people do that...because everyone knows no one is perfect. The best of people sometimes do or say weird things. Your story gives me chills because it is atypical. It fits a more normal pattern of beginning, and middle, and then this shocking, frightening ending. It makes me wonder...is it possible to have no red flags?

I am not happy with that thought.

kris

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#551 - 10/14/02 08:34 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cherie, I am in AWE of all who have emerged from long-term relationships and are fighting to get their minds/souls back, the courage it must take. Many blessings to you!
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What scares me is that I was involved for only 2 months and I still want to be with him. I hate to admit this, it feels like I'm fighting a drug addiction. That I still want to be with him scares me to the core. It must be my family history that leaves me so susceptible.
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And people wonder how voodoo works? Using exactly these techniques, getting into your mind and controlling it. Until it happens to you, you won't believe it. But you don't need to believe it for it to happen to you.


Edited by I fell for it (10/14/02 08:40 AM)

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#552 - 10/14/02 09:09 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it,

Your ability to recognize and describe your feelings will serve you well in your movement toward a healthier self. As you describe your mother's state of being...cut off from her feelings, her center, her self...you can see what is required for survival of the self, and survival of the psychopath experience.

Hearing your story, I had a bit of a deja vu. I have heard similar stories from a number of women: A psychopathic parent. Then a fairly normal adulthood, fairly normal relationships, then...BANG! A psychopath. I don't know how old you are, but I have gotten the impression that this psychopath was not your first major relationship. If this is the case, your story fits this pattern. It seems to me that those of us who had a psychopathic parent are destined to meet psychopathy, in the world, in our adult lives. Horrible as it is, I can not imagine any life experience which offers more of a challenge and opportunity for inner growth. When faced with a psychopath, it is pretty much, grow in inner strength, courage, selfhood, commitment to all that is right and good, or die. Without this inner metal, the psychopath would claim our inner beings for his own selfish purposes.

I can see how your recent experience with a psychopath has led you back into your past. Perhaps it is to reclaim some part of your self that was long ago lost. All in all, you appear to have survived your childhood very well. But anyone in that situation loses some pieces of themselves, which possibly they do very well without, for a number of years. Until they meet a psychopath.

It looks as if this adult experience is, at the very least, going to serve as a conduit, for you, to a deeper understanding of your childhood experience.

By the way, that accommodation of the psychopath "thinking I was too over sensitive because of my background" is classic! My psychopath even began to brainwash me with that nonsense, within a year of our beginning. He knew I was thinking it, and he exploited it to the max. What scheming reptiles they are. And what ripe opportunitites for exploitation they find in the adult children of psychopaths. Somebody else already did alot of the work for them. All they have to do is step in, work the victim's weaknesses, and reap the benefits.

I am wondering, how is your mother now?

kris

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#553 - 10/14/02 10:22 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Oh yes... the drops and trickles of "love" so coldly meted out. The dangling carrot that is always pulled just beyond your reach. When my P decided that "he was no longer in love me me", after two months of love madness, and a marriage proposal, I felt as though I was dropped from the highest pinnacle of heaven onto sharp, jagged rocks in the pit of hell. And, despite his "revelation", he continued to live with me (he had moved in within two weeks after we met), and go back and forth... in love, not in love, in love, not in love. Then the sex stopped. We were to have sex on a "different" level. Physical/emotional intimacy was now relegated to the etheric levels, along with "promises" that this was necessary in order to "get back to where we were." Then just last week, he moved out of my home lock, stock, and barrel, and returned to his blue bus in the desert (no utilities, no water, no nothing out there). As he walked out my door, he said: We are still together. I said: If you drive away, I am done. I will not seek you out. Consequently, I spoiled his plan, refused to bite at the dangling carrot. He called me 3 days later. We met. We talked. The rules had now changed (the rules changed on a weekly, sometimes daily basis). Now we are supposed to be monogamous, yet he will stay at the bus, and I will be in my own space. Monogamous... that's a laugh... hell, we're CELEBIT! What's the point of monogamy, other than to control me without giving me anything in return? My last interaction with him was Saturday night. He came over expecting to stay for the evening, but I wouldn't allow him to do so as I wasn't feeling well. He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish I listened to over a 3 + month period of time. We made plans for him to come over last night. He stood me up. THAT'S his "truth". It's getting cold. I know he is going to want to come back. He doesn't seek out his victims in the wintertime. That's the "bardo" as he calls it. My P runs in seasonal cycles: He emerges in May, finds a victim, falls madly "in love" with her, maintains that stance for approximately 2 months, then commits emotional murder. He blames it on the monthly "dark of the moon", and the turning of the seasons. The "dark of the moon" (new moon) is his renewal time. During that time he would go to his bus, or lock himself in my basement bedroom for 2 days. Fall is a time of isolating in preparation for his "death", which occurs in winter. No sex or affection, because we have to "start from the beginning to truly see each other after the love madness of the spring/summer. Then in winter, I am supposed to be alone, seeing him only occasionally, most likely when he needs something. Always, sex/affection is a promise that may be, yet I am not supposed to "wait" for it to happen. When spring resumes, "so will our love". I supported this P for the most part. I opened my home and heart to him. Now I am alone, wondering what the hell happened. I KNOW he's mentally ill, and so I feel compassion. He is a tortured" souless shell. He wants what others have: Love, a home, money. Yet, he wants nothing to do with earning those things, and others have to follow his rules, which make no sense whatsoever, and make it impossible for him to get what he "wants". I have spoken with his X-wife and his X-girlfriend. They both describe the same scenario. The latter replied to an email I sent her by saying, "My experience with P was filled with extreme pain and chaos. I do not wish to regurgitate the details." BIG SIGH HERE. I still love him because my feelings for him were real. There were no huge red flags waving in the breeze at the onset by the way. No way of knowing I was about to be killed.

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