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#554 - 10/14/02 10:47 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Kris, thank you for all your insights. Your posts are so empowering and I've learned so much!
Unfortunately, I didn't wind up unscathed as an adult, had the label of hypomanic. I chose a passive-aggressive man to marry (who was the "kind" version of my father, shared many family history and physical traits. Yikes!). I brought my dysfunction to the relationship and became his hypercritical mother, although that has eased greatly (even by his own admission) in the past years.
We kept playing into each other's screwed up backgrounds. Couples and individual therapy helped a little, but not much. This went on for 22 years.( I had many partners before we were married, he had few.) I went off the deep end in depression and extremely low self-esteem as a woman this summer when my sexual needs were rejected yet once again. I went onto a personal ads site and had no idea that I was waving a flag to "come and exploit me".
I was in a trance state, quite literally, my husband said he had never experienced cruelty like this from me, I was a complete stranger to him. We are separating quite amiably, we both recognize that we've been on a hamster wheel and may not be able to get off it after being in such a pattern for nearly a quarter century. He's definitely not a P, and acknowledges his major issues, as do I. We'll always be good friends and have much sorrow about what we've done to each other over the years.
I'm nearly 50 now. I was responsible for my mother's well-being and intervened to rescue her throughout their life. Both parents are deceased, my father went 3 years before my mother. Both were 80 when they died. My mother had 3 years without my father, she was so broken and disappointed. She didn't know why she did what she did, she just felt she "had to", she felt sorry for my father and his background. She felt she had wasted her life. God, that was so hard to hear as a daughter.
Yes, this is one heck of a conduit into the past. Again, thanks for all your kind words and support. I hope you can get your book out, you have much to give, especially hope!

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#555 - 10/14/02 11:07 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


> He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish.
Senihele: wow, I got a load of this spiritual junk also. He felt I wasn't like the other women, the "cattle", who he claimed he was going to stop seeing. Except that he lied and saw many other women. I explained to him that he didn't have to lie, but I think he did because he didn't want me to date other men, which I didn't.
This type of behavior is probably beyond treatment, so your compassion will be used against you. I hope you can find an exit for yourself, find the light, go towards it and never, never look back.

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#556 - 10/15/02 01:18 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Oh honey. . .I know just what you mean. It has been fifteen days since my episode, yet I would even today appreciate a "sign" that he "cares". Yes, until it happens to you, you can't believe it. I am so glad to have the forum also, it has been my lifeline these past two weeks. My computer crashed Sunday night, I thought I'd lost my best friend. I also appreciate your posting.
finished

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#557 - 10/15/02 02:45 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it:

"The surrealness of all this is recognizing this pattern, this feeling of deja vue. And the reptilian stare of those eyes. You cannot escape the uniqueness of that stare, no matter what the color. Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it...how they drill into you, draw you in and capture you. You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanosecond, a
single fiber strand of validation, a microscopic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and ensnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."

I wouldn't change a word of this passage for a book. It describes the tactics of all Ps flawlessly. I had just this experience, but online. The dynamics were as you describe, right down to the most infinitesimal innuendo. Good is heterogenous, evil is homogeneous. That's all I have to say..... I am glad that comprehension has brought you some solace, as it has for all of us here.
persistent

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#558 - 10/15/02 04:59 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


>You want them to see you, to become warm and soften. But if they do, it's only to fool you. They mete out these false drops and trickles of love so they can maintain a hook into you. And you dangle, praying for more of something, what is it? To be seen for a nanocecond a single fiber strand of validation, a microscropic drop of love reciprocated. Not realizing that the love you pour out to them becomes the spider's web you weave and snsnare yourself in. Your love is perverted, turned inside out and wielded as a weapon against you."< I've got to print that out and keep it in my wallet!

Just today, I was thinking love was the carrot I was always going for. I thought I saw it once and I wanted it back. I distinctly remember the times his eyes softened but it wasn't often. The last night we were together, the best he could say was "it takes two" I said what does that mean? Really? It is only good when two people want to be together? He said, . . oh. . .something like that. I said. You aren't going to give me anything are you? He mumbled something vague about you know how fragile these things are. . . Me constantly trying to recapture what I thought it was. Of course, it never was. It was the bait. When I took the bait, I was hooked. . .line and sinker. Yes, that's the bait. The hope that maybe this time I'll find what I looking for.

He called last night. I finally took his call (14 days later). He was very upbeat. Hi. . .how are you?

I didn't say, in shock, traumatized, barely have my head on straight. ( I remembered what Betrayed told me, they get off on your pain). But I told him about my horrible ride home. And asked why he didn't call to inquire about my safety. He still can't give me anything. He said he was sorry I was hurt or disappointed and then said, I'll let you go. . . It was anything but comforting. And now I have a new way of thinking. I must remember, it was an inconvience for him for me to have had a problem with any of it. I'll learn.

But see, even then, I was hoping to hear some level of concern. . .Oh God, help me the pain of it is unbelievable. . .

Thanks to I fell for it for a wonderful rendition of the "Pattern".

Bless you all
Finished

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#559 - 10/15/02 05:37 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Quite truthfully, the first trauma started when he didn't call me the next day after the first time we were together. This was a first for me. I felt extremely insecure and desperately needed a little reassurance. As the day passed into the night, you can imagine what I was feeling. Then about 10 that night I get a call and his gruff voice just said, I wondered how your'e doing. It was so impersonal and unemotional. Not what I was hoping for. After that, it quickly began to fall apart. We quit meeting for coffee, lunch and gradually he only called every so often. I felt the most personal rejection. Then I told him I couldn't do this anymore because it was to hard on me. We hadn't been together for almost two years. We have been in relationship thru work but that was it. He started showing interest in me again. Maybe he didn't. . .maybe I was hoping that's what he was doing (but I didin't ask to be with him, he asked me). It was the carrot. I'm always thinking, I'll get the love I want this time, or even the friendship. The loss was devestating. Will I get over this? Does anybody?

I'm spinning. .

Once again I thank you for being there.
finished

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#560 - 10/15/02 08:23 PM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


(((Finished)))) I am so proud of you. That my words helped you get through that phone call makes me feel good. If I have helped just one person through my experience, that's good enough for me. I'm so glad you have an appointment on Thursday at the womens center. No more contact. It is the only way to heal. Grieve the fact that he is too sick to love, properly. It's such a shame that they have to destroy anything good that comes in their lives. You are going to come out of all this so much stronger than you ever realized possible.
Baby step. Baby step.

Betrayed

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#561 - 10/16/02 08:29 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


God Bless You betrayed. Your words meant more to me than you can imagine. (((((betrayed))))) back. You HAVE helped! MORE than you could know.

>it is a shame that they have to destroy anything good that comes in their lives< Yesterday I thought, it was like if he couldn't have me, he would destroy me. p#1 was like that too. Before he left, I felt very uneasy about a few things he said. But thought, I'm imagining things. . .

Thank you SO MUCH for your words of encouragement. You will never know how much this forum and all the validation and support has kept me going. I'm looking forward (I think) to my appointment tommorrow. I find I have a hard time believing I fall into that group. . .did you experience that? The first appointment is for counseling and they also have a support group. I'll keep you posted.

With heartfelt gratitude. . .
finished

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#562 - 10/16/02 09:57 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


Senihele,

"He left me with the words: We are Soul Friends in TRUTH. More of the endless "spiritual" jibberish I listened to over a 3 + month period of time. We made plans for him to come over last night. He stood me up. THAT'S his "truth"."

Manipulation of spiritual truth is one of the psychopath's most insidious tools. Mine (who was in a Master of Divinity program at the local seminary) used this tool to talk me into menage a trois, 30 years ago. This was to help me free my soul of possessiveness, and to stretch my capacity for love to encompass more than one person. He also pulled the celibacy thing...you know, him being evolved beyond sexuality. The reality was, he was used beyond doing it, again, when he got home to me.

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#563 - 10/16/02 10:05 AM Re: Sex and the psychopath
Anonymous
Unregistered


I fell for it, I'm so glad this forum is helping you.

Unlike your mother, you are taking the route to awareness, and making one whole sense and one whole reality of your life. In a way, her life won't be wasted because you are picking up where she left off, and doing the work she didn't do. We sometimes carry on the work left undone by our parents. And in generations' time, there is healing.

kris

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