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#14259 - 02/07/13 01:03 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: 1962]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
Originally Posted By: 1962
He has "hinted" that when he was away at conferences the indiscretions occurred. I hate the little hints about what he has done; is it because he wants to get caught or is it that he thinks I am too dumb to figure out his secrets?



I think they do it as it amuses them, shows them how clever they are, to taunt us and as part of their game.

If you figure it out, they win by that knowledge hurting you, if you fail to figure it out they win by "proving" to themselves how much smarter they are than you.

In my experience part of the power play of Psychopaths is that they like to feel they have power, and information is power, especially if the other person doesn't also have that knowledge, so they will hoard information like gold, but occasionally reveal a taunting glimpse of it to you, while they gloat over their ownership of it.

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#14260 - 02/07/13 01:14 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Hi, great advice Tudy!!

Hi 1962

Quote:
Does anyone know if they "improve" with age?


From what members have posted over the years, my personal conclusion is that they do improve, not in the way I think you are asking. They seem to improve their skills and are more evil.

That is just my opinion.

Di


Following the recent death of one of my parents I have very unfortunately been forced into renewed contact with my Psychopathic sister, whom I had managed to avoid with no contact for decades.

My remaining parent and some of my siblings are still totally taken in by her.

She is without doubt very much worse now even than she was all those decades ago.

I think partly because no one thwarts her, or recognises her for what she is in the circles she moves in these days, always with her phoney mask in place to them. Thus she is even more furious when she does encounter any unaccustomed opposition, or comes up against anyone who isn't taken in by her false masks.

She has accused me of all the vile and vicious things she in fact did herself all those years ago, thus turning herself, in her version, from the vicious aggressor, to the innocent, abused victim! She did exhibit cruelty to animals, but of course also denies that, claiming "accidents".

In fact a direct reversal of the roles as they actually were, and the opposite way round to how events actually happened.

She still tries to "charm" or bully (depending on whether or not they are taken in by her) everyone into doing things as she wants, sometimes just as a powerplay, with no regard for anyone else's feelings, needs or wants, unless she is pretending concern in order to cultivate an image.


Edited by Smokey (02/07/13 01:19 PM)

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#14264 - 02/07/13 08:44 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: Anonymous]
breakingfree Offline
member

Registered: 01/30/13
Posts: 10
OMG....It is so painful to read your posts. So similar to my experiences. Reminding me of things I have forgotten.

The eyes. Glassed over and empty, dead. I had never seen anything like that before. Evil.

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#14265 - 02/08/13 06:12 AM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: Smokey]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Smokey,

I think that you are right. I remember saying to him that I should put spyware on his phone and the next day he breezed through the kitchen and slapped me on the butt as if to say " gotcha honey" - he had just downloaded spyware protection onto his phone!

Just the other day he texted me and asked if the drs could figure out what was wrong with me. I have neuropathy (nerve damage). I know I was exposed to arsenic at the very least and possibly meth.

He has hinted to me about people and places who are in his little web. I have a journal of names, phone numbers, and addresses of places he goes. My fear is that he will try to kill me again, just waiting until he has his next plot complete. I pay close attention to his comings and goings since filing divorce papers.

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#14272 - 02/09/13 11:19 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: 1962]
trudy Offline
member

Registered: 04/28/12
Posts: 24
Hi 1962,

You are on the right path with the "dropping clues" theory. My ex did this in a variety of ways, throw away comments, muttering aloud, subtle behavior changes, subjects he would bring up that did not seem to relate to anything, outright warnings etc... Things that sort of come from left field or do not fit into the flow or tone of the moment.

I agree with your psychologist. The history of your declining health and everything else reveals a pattern (currently interrupted) but we can likely predict (based on his pathology) what direction your husband's future actions will take if given the opportunity.

Your doctor is right that you can never trust the Psychopath. What is in it for him to have you as separated and not divorced? (To my ex Psychopath PERCEPTION WAS EVERYTHING)

The stigma of a public separation seems inconsistent with his desired public appearance. If he prefers maintaining the public image of being a married man then why would he offer separation? I would always ask myself what is in it for him? Is he hoping his last efforts will eventually take their toll and he can collect ins. money? Can you remove him from all ins. as beneficiary? Remove his motivation for benefiting from anything happening to you?

The driving force in his suggestions to you will be in service to his agenda, to get something he wants. If he has already told people you ran off with a man then his willingness to publicly admit "not divorced just a separation" will make him look like a cuckold to those he told. How could that be good for him?


Question re. your health and all the rest- WHAT IS THE INNOCENT EXPLANATION OF THE STORY? There appears not to be one. Plus there are too many things which require explaining and nothing adds up.

After I knew about my ex Psychopath I was never alone with him again. We met one on one to discuss things but only in restaurants. That was a waste of time, he was just leering at me (something he had NEVER done in 23 yrs)and we never again managed to have what one might call a productive conversation, it was always circular and crazy. I made it clear to him that in the event of an "accident" or if anything "unusual" or "untimely" was to happen to me that there was written and video recorded documentation of every detail of my story.

The Psychopath is always the victim and lies to support this premise. Your husband sounds like the sort of Psychopath to whom appearances mean very much. Like mine, he will save face and portray you as the one who wronged him. In these lies about you will be some kernels of truth about what he has been up to. For instance the "younger man" you supposedly ran off with is very likely a "younger woman" that he is actually involved with. On many occasions my ex accused me of doing exactly what he had done.

What is the story with his job and pretending to fear losing it? Was he just trying to instill fear in you to motivate you to pursue the refinancing of the house? If so what new situation requires a large sum of cash? Is the other woman making demands? Does he gamble? Just sort of thinking as I write. Seriously, why the sudden need for money? Too bad you cannot "take the computer in for repair" then duplicate the hard drive to have a copy of the history.

What do you know about the network of people he is manipulating? These people might be good to look into, they might not be as cagey as the Psychopath and not as on guard in their daily habits as he is. What could possibly be in it for them? What is their motivation for involvement? People usually take on large personal risks for love or money.

It usually comes down to money. My ex has culled a fan club of a few people (people whom he can dominate) . It's all about the money and vying for closeness to him (money).

Your ex is in a NEW situation since you left, he is not sure what you will do, he probably has grown accustomed to being able to manipulate you and is working to regain his power over you. This is probably why he is not sure which persona to use, he is trying to figure out which one will work to get you to comply, to bring you back in line.

I am sorry you have to be in this group, dealing with such disturbing, horrible weirdness. It would be bad enough from a complete stranger but when it is your husband of all those years, well...mind blowing to say the least. Especially when the mask was so firmly in place for so long. Then the situation feels like it does not belong, like it is a movie or a dream and has no place in your waking world.

Does he expect you to live with him? I completely understand about the health insurance, especially with your health as compromised as it is. I wish you had listening devices in strategic areas to hear what he is saying when he thinks he is safe to talk. If I could I would track my ex Psychopaths cars to know if he is in my area. I try not to think about it but sometimes kind of a sense at times that the Psychopath is around.

When it comes to the question of what it was that made me realize that my ex is a Psychopath I can say I had no idea. What I thought at first was that as a widower he had behavior consistent with grief. Anything out of the ordinary was thrown into that pile. I do know that when it comes to NORMALIZING behaviors of the Psychopath, WE DO IT FOR THEM. Particularly when the Psychopath is a loved one we create the excuses for them in our own normal minds. When they are acting strangely our minds go out of the way to find some plausible explanation. Alcohol, stress, whatever.... It was only through hindsight that I figured it out. I had to look up the psychology of his behavior and it led to personality disorder and from there I read (devoured) everything I could on the subject. At first I thought it was just NPD but that would be a NO. I would actually be the only person who could have pinpointed what is wrong with him, figured out by what I would only call divine intervention. His children, extended family, employees etc... have no idea. They think he is a spoiled SOB. For some Psychopaths only the mate/partner in their lives will figure it all out and then only if they have reason and the ability to seek answers. He is actually as psychopathic as it gets. There is much more that I cannot say.

I refrain from all the details because they are so specific. Many of the things I found out about him came after we were apart. Even the way the separation happened was in line with his pathology. Just combing through our history and all the things that never seemed to make sense...they all made sense after I learned all I could about psychopaths.



Be well

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#14273 - 02/10/13 04:20 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: trudy]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
About the "dropping clues" my ex does it so blatantly (in my eyes) that whenever I hear something that doesn’t jive, I note it. Once I reflect on it I can usually figure out what he is referring to. He has yet to slip up about the nurse though, that must be a secret that he is closely guarding.

I got to thinking about fear- I felt that he must fear something. My ex often had a dream that he would whine through- a quite scary thing to listen to /experience. As time went on the dream seemed to happen less, but still he sounded frightened. Perhaps an incident as a child?
I think you are right that the perception of being married is most important to him. When I told him that I wouldn’t feel safe around him unless we were divorced, he said to himself “ common law marriage”.

(The stigma of a public separation seems inconsistent with his desired public appearance. If he prefers maintaining the public image of being a married man then why would he offer separation? )
I have been worried about insurance money . I am working on having a trust drawn up that would cover all of my assets, but I don’t know how this might impact life insurance. My insurance agent said after a divorce in NY “he” could not be the beneficiary, but what’s to stop him from naming “her” as beneficiary?


“Question re. your health and all the rest- WHAT IS THE INNOCENT EXPLANATION OF THE STORY? There appears not to be one. Plus there are too many things which require explaining and nothing adds up.-
He totally ignores most of my comments about my health. Did ask once if the doctors found out why I was anxious and depressed (I figure it was drugs he got from nurse)Also asked if the doctors knew what had caused my intestinal problems (duh…arsenic)

Yes, I too will not be alone with Psychopath- I am in early stage of discovery so I had mentioned that we might reconcile. Bad move. We have met in restaurants. And yes, also was a waste of time. Even my youngest son, said to me. Mom somethings are bigger than a 30 year marriage, how do you get past poisoning?

Interesting thought about the "younger man" I supposedly ran off. I think my psychopath got his secretary of 12 years a new job in Albany, NY. She is a younger woman and I have heard him say her name in his sleep. I accused him of having an affair with her and when I was in the office, neither could look me in the eye. Later he asked if I still thought he was having an affair with her and I said I didn’t until you just asked me for the third time.

I think the story about the job was gaslighting. He told me he was suicidal and then when he went to speak with the therapist I arranged for him he denied he said it at all. I was afraid that the money would be used to pay someone to off me basically. I did tell the kids that if anything happened to me, regardless of where he was that their father had been behind it.

This is going to sound strange, but a local pastor was let go of his job a few years back for having an affair with a congregant. The wife, a nurse, took him back. The nurse I believe is my husband’s lover. I truly believe that they have an agreement to kill off each others spouses. I even gave information to the police about this. They suggested that I hire a PI to interview her (like she’s gonna admit to all of this). The whole time frame of his odd behaviors, moving his healthcare to another town, and her husbands infidelity matches.

I’m sure that he promised her that he would marry her when both were available- but if he was just legally separated he could not do that as he was still technically married to me.

I think Trudy, that it will take me forever to get over this. I have to remind myself daily that my entire life with this person was a total lie. I do have two wonderful children and thankfully I have a support group to help me, but he is in our family home and he has an excellent job. I stayed home with the kids and took care of everything-everything for 31 years. I would say that would also be a motivation to have me back, I am good with managing and planning things. He has no clue about budgeting/finances. I did it all.


For ha, has I asked him to write a list of the expectations that he had if we were to reconcile. He expects and wants me to be his best friend and lover, take care of him if he is sick (another motivation- he was really sick with the flu this year). He does not like to be alone and needs constant contact and reassurance from people (narcissistic) He thinks we can go back to what we had before. I told him it would be a long time. Thought previously that he might mellow, but from what I read on this site that won’t happen.

Thank you Trudy for your thoughts and for sharing with me (us) what you went through. I have support at home from dr and attorney, but my heart and my soul are being healed here.

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#14279 - 02/12/13 02:25 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: 1962]
galetre Offline
member

Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
Don't do it! If you have managed to get clear of a man who tried to poison you, you need to keep reminding yourself of that. No reconciliation is going to be worth it. He is probably enjoying the chase and excitement of trying to snare you back into his den again. Psychopaths live for the hunt. Mine is never happier than when he has hurt me in some way and is trying to convince me to "like" him again. You said you have been married for 31 years. Are your children grown up and out of the home? If so, that is one less worry for you. If you have family and friend support, you should take legal action and stay with someone safe while all this is going on.

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#14281 - 02/12/13 04:12 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: galetre]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Galetre,

I know you are right. What keeps me wanting to go home? My cats are there, a lot of my stuff too. I am staying with my mother and I have no where to put things right now. I feel like a homeless person, yet we own two houses. (one is a vacation house 3 hours away) If I could afford to get a little place of my own, I think I would be a little happier- but I also need to be concerned for my safety. My therapist said that he will try to kill me again, just won't be poisoning this time (keeps me on my toes I will say)

coincidently, I saw an aggressive attorney today. I am entitled to 10 years of alimony which will help, I guess I am better off financially than many.

Does any one know about the psychopath needing to stay in the marital home? My psychopath refuses to leave ( I fled 4 months ago and have asked him to leave for the same length of time so I can pack my things and regroup my thoughts) Refuses. Of course we lived there for 27 years- maybe it's part of his "persona" , he always said that I was his rock/support and that he loved coming home to me.

thanks for your thoughts, I get stronger each time I visit this site.

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#14284 - 02/13/13 10:08 AM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: 1962]
galetre Offline
member

Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
Not sure about marital rights/psychopath wanting to stay in the home. But I must say, you are so lucky to have your Mother's support. I have no one. Love your Mom! If he is still trying to kill you, you should not be living on your own, anyway. Is there no way you can move your cats to your Mother's home? I know I would miss mine, too. They love you no matter what.

That's terrific news about the attorney and the alimony. Will you have to face "him" in court? That can be difficult. About 20 years ago we had a split for a while and I had to take him to court for harassing phone calls. He stood up and told every lie he could think of to try to defame my character and make me upset in the courtroom. None of it had anything to do with why we were there. I managed to keep my composure and won the case, but the lies were so painful and still are. Twelve years later I forgave him for all of it and took him back. Dumbest thing I ever did. Good luck with the divorce. Be strong!

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#14286 - 02/13/13 12:40 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: 1962]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
Originally Posted By: 1962
Galetre,

Does any one know about the psychopath needing to stay in the marital home? My psychopath refuses to leave ( I fled 4 months ago and have asked him to leave for the same length of time so I can pack my things and regroup my thoughts) Refuses. Of course we lived there for 27 years- maybe it's part of his "persona" , he always said that I was his rock/support and that he loved coming home to me.

thanks for your thoughts, I get stronger each time I visit this site.


I would also hate to be parted from my pets, and my stuff as so much of it has emotional significance.

My Psychopath sister certainly seems to see her (very fancy) house as an extension of the persona she wishes to project. However as so much is also about control (aside from projecting their image) with Psychopaths that I think they also wish to deprive you of it, and to hold on to it just because they see it as theirs, and to prove they can. so pretty much a win-win allround, for them, to hang on to it.

I hope your case goes well and you can be free, and safe with your cats and your belongings.

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