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#621 - 04/28/05 02:00 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
Significantother,

I too feel lucky that I didn't marry the P I went out with. He tried cajoling, manipulating, and all sorts of pressure tactics but I held my ground. I increasingly felt that to walk down the aisle to him would be like a lamb going to the slaughter - not exactly an uplifting visual to have of one's wedding day but I'm thankful for it.

Yes, I too feel nauseous when I think about the "loving" and I can't look at red roses without wincing. I'll welcome a bunch of dandelions over red roses anymore, as long as it's the right person holding them.

I remember seeing a TV movie about a P boyfriend - it was unbelievable. Red roses, pathological lying, grandiose stories (all false of course), sudden flashes of temper, extreme possessiveness, lots of "loving", the guy was a freak. It should be shown to students at every middle school and high school - hopefully there'd be no mistaking the red flags after that.

I'm glad you got away.

Sylvie

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#622 - 04/28/05 03:33 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: sylvie25]
significantother Offline
member

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 9
Hi Sylvie,
It is refreshing finally speaking with someone who understands. Thank you. I do feel like a newbie in a club however. I want to know all your stories now, as I know it is redundant to have to repeat. I do hope that won't be a detourant when conversing. Part of what is difficult for me is the fact that I never saw the dark side of this individual. It was because of a trip that caused seperation, that I was able to rationally analyze the situation. If I know nothing else of myself, I know this, I would never put up with abuse, verbal, emotional nor physical. Maybe he sensed this. I believe he was telling me facts about himself, only mixing it up like a salad so to speak. The stories of 'a friend of his', or 'his brother', or 'this guy he knew'. They were all him. His way of being honest because he knew I didn't get it. Why would I? I was too busy focusing on how I was feeling. But the things I knew of truth were reason enough. Not a couple red flags mind you, scores of s.o.s distress flares going off. It is however, through this ordeal that I am seeeing a pattern. A well traveled road. Maybe you have felt this also. I now know that I have never allowed myself a 'normal' relationship. Not capable. Never even wanted it. Sad but true. Maybe it is that I fit best with the types that I seem to seek out. Something is definately off. I guess I am easy to mirror now aren't I? ;-)

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#623 - 04/28/05 06:14 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
SignificantOther,

I really want to "talk" to you but I have to make a long distance phone call. I relate to a few things you've said. I will write more to you tomorrow, but for now, I wanted to share with you something someone once said to me. It's funny, but when you think about it, it's true.

"The only place I've ever seen 'normal' is on a washing machine."

MCN

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#624 - 04/28/05 08:00 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
significantother Offline
member

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 9
LOL yes tis true. Frankly I despise normal. Normal is boring. Things that are normal do not hold my interest, especially dates. Guess I need to find some appreciation in normalcy. No emoticons? I'm going through withdrawal ;-)
~So

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#625 - 04/28/05 08:48 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi, fyi, you can make emoticons

Go to: FAQ and select: Can I use html in my posts?

Hope this helps,
Di

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#626 - 04/28/05 11:40 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
JustAMan Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/04
Posts: 186
In reply to:

I do feel like a newbie in a club however. I want to know all your stories now, as I know it is redundant to have to repeat.


Most users post their stories quite soon after their arrival at the forum. If you want to investigate the 'story' of a user who is responding to you, click their underlined name to the left of one of their posts. This takes you to their profile page. Then click the link to "Show all User's Posts" Start at the bottom of their list of posts (NB might be more than one page, if the 'Next >' link is active, use it) and work your way up.

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#627 - 04/29/05 07:10 AM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
Hey SO,

Personally, I have resisted "normal" all my life. In some ways I feel that it did set me up for the psychopath. NOW, from that experience, I am better able to deal with any future "intrusions" from a psycopath. REMEMBER: Keep the positive in the forefront. You have the experience, you paid a dear price for it! Those of us who do not buy into the "cultural brainwashing" need to understand that we also have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for those choices we make. Therefore, we need to exercise a little more caution. We will make mistakes sometimes, but hopefully we will learn from those mistakes. Then, move on. Of course, "recovering" from the encounter with the psychopath takes a little time. But don't get into the mindset of "blaming" yourself (choice of lifestyle) for making a mistake. Obviously, many of us here got duped by a psychopath.

MCN

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#628 - 04/29/05 08:26 AM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath
MoreCautiousNow Offline
member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
The Mask thing. My spin on this is that P's do not wear "maskS", they wear only one mask. (Mask of Sanity). In actuality, they are hiding behind this mask. They MIRROR our emotional selves. They just can't do it ALL the time.

A really good piece of advice I got (and unwittingly used, and it does work) from a psychologist is that when you know you are dealing with a P, DO NOT SHOW any emotion. P's are REALLY REALLY good at picking up on body language, more so than we are. This is a process that enables them to mirror you and/or start pushing your emotional buttons. They then take you on this merry-go-round of that realm of emotions and begin to spin off into the "distorted" reality where they can further manupulate you with lies. The best analogy I can give here is the child's game of placing your hands together palm to palm and standing in front of another and tell them to watch your hands as you move them up and down vertically together for a few strokes, then pull your hands apart. The "victim's" eyes get "jarred" for a moment. This is what the P is doing.

It's not so much that the P has no emotion/feelings, he/she does on a very immature level and it's all about him/her. It's that he/she HAS NO CONSCIENCE. Therefore they will lie, cheat, steal, whatever to achieve their goal. It could be something trivial or something major.

The more socialized and/or intelligent the P, the higher the stakes become. They are capable of "playing" on a higher level for bigger gain and they KNOW that.

My P was VERY intelligent and VERY socialized. He was gainfully employed (to my knowledge). He never physically abused me. I think he learned enough about me to know that if that ever happened I would be gone in short time, no questions asked. Also, he was intelligent enough to realize this could get him "attention" he didn't want. I've learned that he keeps a very low profile, is quite promiscuous and seems to have money from God only knows where.

The things that repel us, such as pedophilia, does not repel them because EMOTIONALLY they have NO CONSCIENCE. However, many of them learn that openly displaying this behavior could get them unwanted attention and/or restricted movement in society (prison) and they definately don't want that.

Our morals make no sense to them because it involves emotions and emotional maturity and responsibility. Keep in mind, P's many times don't think anything is wrong with them. Yes, our emotions sometimes do get in the way of things, but that's what having a conscience is all about. It's really what enables us to love and care about others!!

The "red flags" we get that our brains do process on some sort of unconscious level, eventually become loud warning bells. Our "self-preservation" goes into action by recognizing that all those scattered flags in our brain that are being ignored has now reached a threatening level. Those loud warning bells are telling you, "RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

For me, that final flag going down was simultaneous with the bells going off. Inside my head, over the trying to make sense of what was happening, the bells were like this deafing warning. I listened. I got up and left as quickly as I could. I wasn't looking over my shoulder. My brain was screaming, "this guy is whacked, don't bother trying to figure it out NOW, just RUN! Get away from this person!"

My "looking back" now, from a safe distance, is to learn how NOT to get in that situation again.

C'mon in, the water's fine.

MCN

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#629 - 04/29/05 12:06 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: MoreCautiousNow]
significantother Offline
member

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 9
MCN,
You wonder where their worth comes from? Fraudulance. Scams. Credit. Aliases. Phoney Bologna. This man told me the night I met him that he had 5 homes. uh huh. 5 homes means 5 sources. Somewhere there are 5 women supporting this jack. How many children? Last time I checked bigamy was still illegal, so chances are he may be married to one, and possibly has been married to all. I hate to say it, and please don't hate me, but I guarantee that one of them knows and does not care. Probably takes a settlement check each month, takes care of his expenses and children for him and allows him to do as he wishes. He is from another country too and claimed to have residence there, so who knows how far the trail trace. He has a ride for every occassion. He has a mask for every one as well. Persuasive charmer. I have read your experience and in some ways it seems too close to home. I can only assume truth in my situation. It is necessary for me to have it. I am unwilling and incapable of moving past this until I have answers. For many reasons, I feel I must stop the cycle. I have reason to believe this individual is dangerous in many ways. He had me believing he was overseas when he was hours from my home. He carried a gun w/silencer. He told me he was "fixed" and "clean", had never done drugs, and had never been married nor had children. Lies. He confided, very early that he was a sociopath, incapable of having certain feelings, and would be doing me great disservice to allow me to feel those things for him. Said he loved me...on some level. I say he mixed truths up like a salad, maybe he was trying to confide. This is the first problem I am having getting over. Why did he tell me this? I have read nowhere that a sociopath puts himself on the hook. He asked me if I knew what it meant, I said yah like a psychopath...thinking it was all 'military involvement'. Killed for his country. Killed people that were evil. Like there's some type of respect & pity I should have for him? WTF? He said it was for his 'job'. That he had hurt alot of women because of his 'job'. I was snowed thinking this was the outcome of the state of affairs in the government. Silly me. Thinking I could help him. Honestly, I didn't even care that he loved me. I just wanted him to love something. When I'd first met him (in a bar)I found him quite interesting. Was not attracted physically to him. But it was evident that he was a risk taker. Made himself seem very worldly and secretly powerful. He contacted me a week later. He claimed to have 5 homes. uh huh. Took me a while but 5 homes means 5 places to feed, right? He spoke of tenure. Freedom of finance if you will. His hope for tenure is probably having 10 solid sources. He can hop from State to State, from girl to girl and keep the finances going in a circle to make it all work. I am bitter of course.
Didn't make sense in his profession. Tenure? Financial stability...duh. Would be real easy getting everything you want in life when you have 5 bank accounts to work with no? He carried several cell phones. Never answered them when they rang. Only one had an incoming number. The others were outgoing only. When he left town, this is how he called me. Untracable. Never gave me straight answers. When I confronted him about where his actual home was, you know, the one where you keep your clothing, sleep, receive mail from? he replied, home is where I'm at. He obviously thought me quite naive, which I was. Like you, I do not give love so freely. Only once actually. It is a love that will last forever. It is no longer physical but we have a respect and friendship. I now know that he is borderline. That is the second reason why I cannot move past. How can I trust anything to be real. It has taken me this long and yet I am still paranoid that this is not the right place to discuss. But in 5 seconds I'm pressing continue and not looking back...ha ha!

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#630 - 04/29/05 01:44 PM Re: The Mask of a Psychopath [Re: significantother]
MoreCautiousNow Offline
member

Registered: 04/26/05
Posts: 110
Hey SO,

Whew. You've been through it, I'll give you that. However, you sound like an intelligent and reasonable person. How can you trust anyone?? Start by trusting yourself first. OK, you (like all the rest of us here) made a "bad" choice. No one is perfect. Yeah, I know, after all those lies (wow, can they ever come up with them - geez, I tell a white lie and I look guilty) you get to the point that your own mother could tell you it was raining outside and you have to get up and check for yourself.

Yah gotta get the "balance" back, gurl. Part of this means facing the fact that sometimes there is no answer. You can make yourself silly trying to reason something that has no reason.

Yeah, my P used a cellphone in a very similar manner. I figure cellphones were probably the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread for psychopaths. I also operate on the premise that much of what my p told me probably bears scant resembalance to the truth. For all I know he has several "lives" going in several cities. Maybe he's married to 100 women for all I know. That matters little now, just a curiosity to ponder about P's. You know why they do it. They are parasites.

Yes, worthless and dangerous. Ugh!! But there are decent folk out there. Not EVERYONE is a psychopath. You're suffering from not trusting your judgment right now. That too shall pass.

A psychopath/sociopath doesn't really put himself on the "hook". Think back to when he said whatever. At the time, it would have been impossible for you to put it all together. It was either used as a ploy to induce you to trust him, or a part of the "thrill" for him to stick the truth under your nose and you not see it or maybe both. I think my P also did it because they can ALWAYS throw it back at you by claiming they NEVER lied to you!! (But I do recall reading this, sorry just can't remember where.)

Yep, my P also hinted at "covert" military/government service, etc. You name it, he did it at some time or other. Definately a red flag, but then you think maybe he justs needs to feel important, but you do wonder about all the exaggeration and then you rationalize that it's really not all that important. Do you feel the quicksand??

We could get REAL technical here and start trying to define REAL. The truth of the matter is that is not what we're really trying to define or accomplish.

Nope. I am going to say this again, I am going to shout it. AT THIS POINT IN TIME, THERE IS NO HELP, NO MEDICINE AND NO AMOUNT OF LOVE THAT WILL CURE A PSYCHOPATH.

I recognize your need for answers, but what you are (bottomline) doing is searching for reasons that will assist you in avoiding the same situation again. If you understand why he did X, then you will know how to handle it the next time.

Yeah, my P had another waiting in the wings. Another victim. Right about now, things should be headed south for her. I don't feel sorry for her. She's a little con artist in her own right. Ho-Hum.

It's OK to be angry and upset. No one wants to have their feelings bludgeoned, and their heart trampled and their trust abused. But, you'll get past this one too.

You will get past it. Just think if you don't. You'll be missing out, you'll let the P win. But the P doesn't really care one way or the other in that sense. With the P, when you're out of sight, you're out of his mind. He's not even thinking about you. He's busy cultivating his next "meal ticket."

MCN

Here, this forum, is where we EXPOSE the psychopath for what he/she really is! The more people that know/understand, the fewer resources he/she will have!!


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