Wow - I kinda stumbled upon this forum and finally I have found other people who can understand and relate to dealing with a psychopath in the family!!

My psychopath is my mother. From about age 10 I realised her needs were always going to be far more important that those of her children. This came about after changing school for the umpteenth time (11 in 10 years) and when I asked "why can't we just stay somewhere so I can have some friends?" her reply was "well I have MY life to live you know!". It was about then that I decided she was welcome to it. (Oh, and the reason we were moving so much is because she was traipsing around after all her boyfriends (just for a start)).

There's obviously far too many incidents to relate as to her selfish, obnoxious, and unbelievable behaviour. Suffice to say I found a way to leave home at 15 (some 20 years ago) and only ever returned on a handful of occasions. It was around 2001/02 that I decided it was finally time for a "showdown" - and that was preceeded by 3 incidents in particular....

Incident One:
I was living overseas and had called her (she was tolerable in small doses with enough km in between) and somehow the conversation turned to how I would be home a week or so after my monthy VISA interest was due to be paid ($20). She offered to pay it for me, but I would rather be broke, destitute and living in the gutter before being indebted to her (a debt is never repaid in their eyes - your undying gratitude for their ultimate kindness will always be demanded and held over your head).

I make it abundantly clear that NO, I didn't want her to deal with it, I'd do it when I got back home (which was fairly soon after). I get back home to find that she has gone ahead and paid the $20 (she rang the bank and persuaded them to give her my account details!!), but now she is telling everyone in the family that I rang and begged her to pay off my VISA card (some $1,800), which she did (out of the goodness of her own heart) and now I am too rude and ungrateful to even bestow a "thank you" upon her. Poor her, imagine having such a selfish and ungrateful daughter!!!

Incident Two:
Upon returning home I decide not to give her my address, as she had a bad habit of turning up unannounced (and breaking into your home if you happened not to be there). I'm still ticked off over incident #1 and have kept contact to a minimum. Come Mother's Day I receive a call from the mother of a guy I dated about 5 years prior. My mother has been around to her house "absolutey distraught" because she doesn't know if I'm home or overseas, or dead in a gutter somewhere because she hasn't heard from me. Does she know where I am?

I told my ex's mum (who was good enough not to give her my details) that A) my mother has my current mobile number (always has), B) if she didn't, she could have called at least 4 other people in the family for my details (my dad for a start), and C) she was purely making a drama to be the centre of attention.

Knowing she wouldn't be home, I rang her from a land line and left a short message: "Happy Mother's Day, obviously you're not in, I'll talk to you later". Amazingly enough, when she got home that night she miraculously managed to remember my mobile # and gave me a call - which I was sure to let my ex's mum know.

Incident Three:
The straw that broke this camel's back - The Axe Murder Incident (probably nowhere near what you're thinking - but still..). I called her for her birthday and she was bursting at the seams to fill me in on the latest gossip: the night before a guy they know up the road rang them up (her & hubby) asking for their help to dispose of the body of his flatmate, who he had just killed and hacked up with an axe!!! (sometimes I really have to remind myself this is true!!). This guy is a schitzophrenic and was due for his monthly shot of "happy juice" - unfortunately his flatmate picked the wrong time to be disagreeable.

My mother suggests he turn himself in, but the other guy refuses since he's apparently "gone to town" with the axe, so what does she do? She arranges for him to borrow their ute so he can dump the body!!!! Then her and her hubby (who I think has some "issues" of his own) go back to bed and off to sleep!! Clearly calling the cops and advising them someone has just been hacked to death by an axe-weilding schitzophrenic wasn't much of a priority!!

A few days later the cops find out what's happened and the schitzophrenic guy tells them my mother and hubby lent him their ute. My mother claimed "knowing what he had just done" she was "too scared" to call the cops in case he came down to get them. This would have been pretty plausible except for the fact she was so excited about it all the next day ("oohh... you'll never guess what happened last night!!")

THEN the story comes out that he rang up to borrow the ute and she had "no idea why he needed it"... which kind of contradicts her "being too scared" story (what's she got to be afraid of if she didn't know what had happened?).

THEN - after her hubby is arrested for being an Accessory After The Fact (which is a joke since she's the one that wears the pants and makes all the decisions), the charges are downgraded to Obstruction of the Law and when it goes to court he is acquitted. By now there are quite a number of stories circulating... one of which is how the cops have got it in for them and are trying to frame them (?!!).

This is the final straw for me - I just can't stand all the out and out LIES!!!!!, and while I'm mulling over what to do about it, she emails me saying she'll be in my city and would like to visit. I email her back saying I'd like to write her a letter before I see her as there are a few things I'd like to resolve in our tenuous relationship.

Well she just goes ballistic - "What tenuous relationship? If you've got problems they're not my fault! You haven't even been home for all these years and I've had to make up excuses to tell everyone why not, so don't blame me" and then goes on to tell me I'm a stuck-up ***** and just because she doesn't live in the best house in the fanciest suburb I think I'm too good for them (at this time I'm renting a room off someone in one of the crappiest suburbs in the city) and the tirade just went on.

I wrote back telling her a few "home truths", but made sure I had someone else in the family edit my letter to make sure it wasn't inflammatory or accusatory, but just relaying the facts. This resulted in yet another abusive response.

Eventually she decided that she had "another daughter that loved her very much" and she didn't want to talk to me any more... which was pretty fine by me, but then proceeded to play it for all it's worth: "oh poor me, I don't know why my daughter is treating me like this when I've only ever done all the right things for her.." blah blah blah.

Even now she plays the martyred victim of it all and is trying to turn the rest of the family against me. Fortunately quite a few of them have wised up to her (the rest... how can they BE so deluded??!!!), so they just let her have her rant.

As far as the others.... well if they don't know me well enough to know better, I'm really not that bothered. It did make it difficult to decide whether or not to attend my brother's wedding.... but she managed to get herself dis-invited to that (another self-indulgent rant that backfired on her... my brother finally decided not to be party to her emotional blackmail anymore), so the problem was solved!!

Hmmmm.... I'm not sure if there was a point to this rather over-length story, but it's been lovely to get it off my chest (and oh, there is sooooooo much more!). If you've managed to read through all of this, thanks (and well done!!!).

How does anyone else go dealing with these people when due to family ties you can't completely remove them from your life?

Hi Spanna. I suggest you go about your life and have as little contact with Psychopath mom as possible. You know each contact will be turned into a chance for her to strike out at you. Yes its hard to write her off, but for your own emotional health I think its best.

You may need to go to your bank and charge card company and make sure they understand only you should be dealing with them. They can put a note on file to that effect. Maybe get your cards changed to protect your privacy.

Surround yourself with positive people and realize the Psychopath will never change.

I wish you well

It's been 4 years this year since I made the break and cut all contact (and moving to the other side of the country sure does help!). I guess I was already so emotionally divorced from her that by the time the break was made, it was pretty easy.

The thing I'm struggling with now is dealing with my siblings who are either still living at home with her, or in the same town. Unfortunately I now have two brothers and sister I've had to write off and I know they've been told things by our mother that will probably mean even once they've left home and are out of her shadow, that we're unlikely to ever be close due to all the lies she has told them about me. I wrote to my sister when she turned 16 and tried to let her know that my not being around was absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for her, and should she ever want to get in touch I would be glad to hear from her, but I don't know if she will.

I just hate that even though I've moved on, and as far as I'm concerned, have no mother, she can still make life difficult by manipulating the people in my family that I DO still care about. Ugh... it's so frustrating!!! I no longer hate her enough to wish she was dead... but gee - it sure would make life a lot simpler..!

Hi spanna, welcome to the forum. Your situation sounds very difficult. Do you think that by writing to your other siblings still with your mom she would pass them the letter?

As much as it sounds like you want to be in contact with your other siblings as long as your mom is in the picture it would appear that it is bringing you more pain?? I believe in the theory that if we don't have a family that we can deal with sometimes developing a new one who have the capability to return our love is one solution.

Your mother from this armchair sounds like she has some Borderline tendencies, have you also looked into that possibility?

Di

See post below with paragraph breaks inserted.

Wow. I am overwhelmed to find your post, it reminds me so much of my situation with my mother- right down to the upcoming wedding of my brother. It brings a dry tear..if you know what I mean. Sometimes the tears well up, but just don't fall. Too many tears have gone by I suppose, or maybe I don't know if I am sad, or numb. I "stumbled" here (this site) too...but during yet another search of "Psychopath" that usually led to stories of how to get away from a spouse, 'BF', or an 'X'.

I have posted to those sites- with no replies. It just isn't the same as with a family member- a parent especially. I guess it's hard to relate to for the other site members. You can't divorce your mother, not easily anyway, nor is it a simple matter to remove yourself from your family- if that is what's needed. Even if you can separate from the problem person, the rest of the family struggles to understand. I figure it is only a matter of time before my mother turns them all against me. I am ready. I have tried to explain to those who want to 'patch things up', but with no success. They believe her tears, not my somber, numb explanations.

On the other Psychopath sites, I could relate to the cruelty and oppression of the behaviour from partners- but it is a far different hue to have been raised by someone with these problems. The behaviour is in many ways, a part of you if you have been raised to be the perfect pawn as I have. I know now that I have HELPED my mother do the unspeakable. Countless times. Even when I became aware of this- her camelion-like ability to change her story and be BELIEVED by those around her rendered anything I tried to do to stop her or to at least not help, to simply become another tool for her success. This is a burden I will carry for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I will deal with it, but I will carry it because it is the truth.

My mother, and my grandmother I believe are sociopathic, anti-social, pshycopathic- whatever word to say meaning without feelings or remorse, and with delight in control and creating emotionally debilitating drama for their children and others. My grandmother's children are all narccissitic at best, sociopathic at worst. Dealing with this- and my realization of how it has worked in my life- for good and bad- in the last year or two have been transforming.



My father was a willing partner to my mother's many crimes. He always said she was brilliant, which I never saw until his last year life (last year). She actually struck me as not too smart at all. It wasn't until he fell seriously ill in the last years of his life and she turned on HIM that I realized for the first time that Dad was not the leader of the lifetime of lawsuits, slander, bankcruptcies, and suspicious aquisitions from and subsequent deaths of senior citizen 'friends'. It is also the first time so many things that have happened over my lifetime made sense- to understand how cruel my mother really is. My father was not much better, but I don't believe he was without feelings. He was a cruel pawn in a game in which he eventually lost all.

I may never totally forgive myself for not figuring out how to stop it...but I truely did not understand the whole picture until my father was vunerable, and reached out to me for help because he had nowhere else to turn. He shared another side of a lifetime of stories I never noticed I had only heard from my mother. His side of the story wasn't always nicer to hear- on the contrary, often what he said was quite disturbing. He enjoyed devilishly my mother's ability to 'succeed' in getting money and property. That was her 'brilliance' to him. She would do what he couldn't.

We had been raised to believe that mother was his puppet and we feared him...but we had it backward. In fact, they were a great team. She was the player, and he had the intellect to devise the plans, she had the unconsciousness to do the jobs. He described my mother and his role in life as 'parasitic', and that all creatures are valued and needed, including the "parasites". My heart stopped a beat when months later I read that word used to describe anti-social disorder. But in his final illness, he became more valuable to his wife dead than alive. He was no fun to her when he needed so much care, and he was not able to come up with their schemes and plans any more. So in the end, he became the target, and I saw the other side for the first time...or at least I took it into my mind for the first time.

I can't bear to share it all- but I see now, the third elderly victim of my mother was my father. Up to the last I thought I could 'make her do' the right thing by putting the responsibility on her, and standing by for support. We took my father in for 4 months to give her a break, she attempted to cut off all his funds, and divorce him- she had all the assets in her name, so she thought she could leave the liability -him- on us. They had plenty of money and she could easily afford his care if she wanted to. She took all his assets even when it wasn't needed (it all would have gone to her as his wife anyway), and she bought numerous life insurance policies just before he 'passed'. She made sure he knew before we took him with us for the 'break', that he had 'nothing'.

When we forced her to partake in his care after months of arguing, she was spiteful and vindictive. She told lies to family members about what was going on. She claimed to be looking for facilities near their home, but was not. Trained as a nurse, she could fool God with stories of my father's medical and phsychological maladies and get any drug she needed, while simultaneously playing the poor dumb wife who didn't understand the dosing once she got home. When I got too close to the truth and she could sense I may tell or ask for help, she told the medical personel that I was bad news and should not be given any information. She failed in her attempt to steal him away without my knowledge. It was good I found out, she still attempted to misdose him with pills the doctor allowed her to take ONLY because she was trained as a nurse, and understood the dangers. I did manage to stop that ONE. There is so much more, I can't share it. It comes out in spurts and out of order- impossible to follow. I saw it all coming-for the last year of his life, and nothing I did made a difference. Nothing. It happened, and continues, just as I predicted two years ago.

I have to add one more thing...sorry so disjointed. Also, like you, three things happened to make me realize the futility of my part or 'role' in my mother's plays- at least my active participation, which is not needed. Three phone calls, all left to my voicemail over a 10 hour period- insignificant compared to many things I've experience with her- but opened my eyes.

Call one: 9:30PM- while visiting the state and spending the night at my grandmother's (her mother's), which she has practically been forced (guilted) into, she offers to take over my morning ritual of making coffee the following morning. Call two: 7AM next day, she calls to say sarcastically, "it would be polite if you would call your grandmother if you are not coming, she is standing at the window looking for you." Call three: 7:20AM angrily, "...mission accomplished, I'm leaving." I later that day get a call from all of my siblings wondering what in the world is happening and what have I done... She never wanted to stay with her mother anyway. So even without talking to her, I was a tool in her getting what she wants. While I hate to be a tool, it seems out of my hands, and not talking to her at all is easier on me. Distance doesn't dim the drama, but it steals almost no energy from me. This 'incident of three' was the beginning of my being able to break away.

Thanks for this space. Hang in there...you are an inspiration!

3rdJeneration

Sorry this all ran together. I tried to put the paragraphs in, it just wouldn't take.

3rdJeneration

3rdjeneration

I am sorry for the loss of your father. How heart-wrenching that experience must have been (and still is). I can't begin to imagine and am truly sorry.

The drama my MIL stirs up lines up with what you are saying. Other family members are so clueless (namely her brothers) and believe everything she says. Yet her daughters are pitted against each other, a situation my MIL instigated and has perpetuated for 40 years. Wielding power and completely helpless at the same time. The world is a bunch of fools waiting to be used to her and the two daughters she has produced. Their games never cease to amaze me. Their lack of remorse and lack of conscience baffles me. I am slowly getting that I can never understand this behavior and to quit trying to figure it out.

It is never easy and seems even more difficult when a parent is involved to cease relationship, and I am not desperate enough (yet) to ask my husband to cut the cord from his own family. For now, not responding to e-mails and voicemails, and avoiding them when they are physically present is my plan. (And lots of prayer too) Thankfully my husband supports me and encourages me to have little to no contact with his family.

Again I truly felt your anguish. I am so grateful you found this site to be able to share what is in your heart.

In-Law_Issues

Hi, in order to make paragraph breaks you need to push enter twice.

Hope this helps.

Di

"..Do you think that by writing to your other siblings still with your mom she would pass them the letter?.."


When I wrote to my sister I made sure my brother was able to give it to her directly, since my own experience had proved that my mother had no qualms intercepting and reading mail which was not addressed to her.

On a recent visit to my brother (after she had told me she no longer wanted to talk to me), she turned up unannounced with a letter from my sister (this was at least a year later). My sister said she wished mum and I could sort things out and just be a family again, though she wasn't able to come in with mum to see me, because she had to finish a school assignment. Anyway, it was a very uncomfortable visit since I had nothing to say to my mother (that hadn't already been said) and she ended up stalking out and driving away like a maniac (squealing the wheels etc, in her ever so theatrical manner).

The next day I hear back from the family that she had come to visit me, but since she only found out on "that day" I was in town, she had to rush in while I was still there and "didn't even have time to feed the kids (my youngest brother and sister - who she left at home) before she left". Then I wouldn't even talk to her!!! Poor her - once again such a victim. Of course, no-one questioned how my sister was able to write me a letter the day before, if this was such a last minute meeting >:(


"..Your mother from this armchair sounds like she has some Borderline tendencies, have you also looked into that possibility?.."

Not sure what you mean by "borderline" - can you elaborate?



3rdJen - Ugh!! I really feel for you and am just thankful that as far as I know, my own mother has only kept her criminal activities to fairly petty things (like obstructing the law, and tax evasion, and shoplifting....). I really feel for you and everyone else who has had to deal with yours .

Meanwhile, my mother was also able to dupe doctors into diagnosing my middle brother with ADD and getting the drugs for it. Of course, if anyone had bothered to look at the family situation, they would have realised this kid was suffering severe mental distress from the emotional abuse he was recieving from home... LITERALLY a "Deficit of Attention!", NOT Attention Deficit Disorder.

It still amazes me though how they can tell so many lies that so many people keep on swallowing - even when they directly contradict eachother!!

Thanks for the reply. It is good to know that someone out there has some idea what it is like to deal with these people. It is unbelievable on the face of it that someone could be as successful with lies as my mother (and your MIL) to achieve such evil, and illeagal ends.

Thanks,

3rdJeneration

All of this sounds so familiar. I have a psychopath for a mother and although she has mellowed just a little in her elderly years, I still have to watch my back. It gets so tiring always having to stay a step ahead of these people