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#10250 - 10/27/10 10:44 PM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: clearblue]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
He does want to keep me stuck in this place with his lies.I know the truth i just wanted to hear it from him. wishful thinking it would break his psychopathic ways I guess. It is so nice to hear the way he really is. I know these things yet it is so hard to believe sometimes. He is usually so nice it fools everyone including myself. He is always trying to destroy me in some covert way though. Ive come to be able to pick up on his little hidden insults when he speaks, or the truths he slips in just to ad some adventure and slip the truth past you without you picking up on it.He is pure evil!

I won't cater to him. He is not allowed to bring his porn into my home. He's not really allowed to look at porn. I told him i won't marry him until that habit is broken and been that way for a while. But he just lies. Then tries to blame me if he gets caught or get my sympathy pretending like he feels so bad and tries so hard not to slip up. He's a bum that's about all he must do because he doesn't get much else done. I hate porn though. it will make me throw up if i see it. some gag reflex i must have gotten from having to look at it when i was three years old. by my "now I know" sick psychopathic sex addict step father. Oh yes this whole experience has brought up many painful things from my past. My Psychopath has so tried to use these to his advantage. I got rid of my step dad at age ten thinking I would be buried alive for it. I can get rid of him.It was rather nice when I did realize I'm not a child anymore and I don't have to put up with that stuff. I couldn't do that at three. I've always been strait up front with any men who want to date me. It's me or the porn. It's there choice. i won't tell anyone what they have to do and I just ask the same respect. I was so mad when I found out my Psychopath had been lying about the porn the whole time. He knew how important that was to me. Then He had me try to help him quit. that was a manipulation nightmare that happened last Christmas. The last time I came to this site.I was pretty shell shocked then and haven't ever fully given into him like that again since, but i hadn't been able to walk away yet either. well he makes that very hard to do. Not impossible though. I hope? He's not physically abusive so I'm not really afraid of that. I'm more afraid he'll keep hurting my feelings or try to ruin my reputation. I call him a wah wah tattle tale and to quit gossiping. he's the biggest girl I've ever met. I'm supprised he hasn't killed me. i can't help but shove his truth in his face sometimes. Although i have to admit I'm getting my but kicked in this fight. i can only act tough and then go cry. he feels nothing.

Thank you so much for your post. There seems to always be just what i need to hear when I come check. Just gettin out of my own mind and some validation is huge1 so thanks again for all your support.
_________________________
Faith

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#10251 - 10/28/10 06:27 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: Stephanie]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Stephanie,
what you are describing is the very essence of being in a Psychopath relationship.
They find the situations in life that have hurt your pride.
Opportunistic to a fault,opening old hurts an adding more hurt to them.

Psychopath's lack empathy for their fellow man/woman.
Psychopath's are not capable of empathy.
They fool us,make us believe they have empathy.
We only find out after they expose our hurts.

Psychopath's do not go after personal reputations.
Usually not confronting injustice of people we have dealt with.
They are not defenders of us.
Psychopath's will build more control over us with fear factors of who they could tell are secrets to.
Psychopath would rather have all of our imagined enemies on their side then against them.
Psychopath will not dispel the myths of our insecurities,they exploit them instead.
I think they realize bringing up a touchy subject with new people may cause motives to be questioned.
It's a risk Psychopath will not take.

My X Psychopath moved 20 minutes from me after we broke up.
We lived for years in the same community and people did not know he knew me.
He played off not knowing me so well.
He did not talk directly to people I knew.
When he met someone who knew me, he did not tell them he knew me.
He never wanted to say he was my X because.....
When someone did see me stop to pick up the kids from his house he told them I was his
babysitter.
He actually told people he had his kids with a surrogate mother.
The lies a Psychopath tells are strange,self serving.
Your reputation is not a risk in your truths.
You could be part of a lie.
No one will know a Psychopath is seeing you,stalking you or any other Psychopath action.
Psychopath would rather get away with cheating,lying then confront anyone.

How did you get rid of your step parent?
I also had a Psychopath parent.
I feel for you having the childhood experiences of a Psychopath.
I feel it set my course in life for many more Psychopath experiences,relationships.
I feel this way because most people I know were not raised in a Psychopath home.
They have not had Psychopath relationships.
The people I have met that grew up with Psychopath's have Psychopath relationships.
I feel this is due to being desensitized to a Psychopath's nature from exposure.
Even though we may be re victimized or further victimized.
When I knew the truth no one supported my truth.
I learned to live with the lies,it continued that pattern into my adult years.

It was very hard to move beyond my old self.
It was a huge identity crisis.
Not because I liked being a victim.
I thought I could conquer the Psychopath things.
Help my X out of being a Psychopath.
Save him from himself,save me at the same time.
I envisioned us healed,bonded,sharing the bond.
It never became a reality.
I could not understand why he was determined to lie to me.
Compromise my ideals for lies.
Hurt my pride with lies.
Get caught in lies and not change.
He could admit to so many things.
I thought it was because he wanted to be accepted,loved.
A big wake up call for me was realizing a Psychopath is oblivious to himself.
He is guiltless,no conscience for his actions.
He is not the slightest bit disturbed by his own lies.
He lives on the surface of himself.
He can discover his childhood hurts.
He does not like anyone more or less for them.
Psychopath is stuck in negative daily patterns.

Do you feel you have pushed your Psychopath, his buttons for hoping for reaction,healing?
Do you feel it has placed you in more danger of his moods,actions?
Where does he live now?

I understand how hurt you feel.
It really sux to feel like being nobody deserving of truth,integrity.
You need and deserve to feel good, special.
You are special,there is only one you.
Be kind to yourself today.

Good for you not allowing porn addictions into your home.
Its a great boundary you have established.

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#10254 - 10/30/10 03:46 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: clearblue]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
i can't believe i have rationalized his abuse for so long. Sometimes i stop to think of how it would be if he really cared about me. Everything would be so different. i don't know how I convinced myself he must care non the less. He manipulates me into having compassion for him. Then i Quit caring for me and my needs. Then i have all this resentment for myself for letting someone treat me that way. Has anyone felt that forgiving yourself is part of this process?

I'm safe in my home. I have kick prof doors and boards in all my windows so they can't be slid open. He only lives about ten minutes from me. But I just need to stick to it until he gives up. It's getting sucked back into his traps and forgetting how he tries to hurt me. wanting to see the good in people has been my biggest downfall in this situation. I need to keep coming to this site to remind me of what he really is. It's hard for me to believe someone could be so heartless. But it's time I face the truth and do something about it. I don't want to give him any more of me and my life.
_________________________
Faith

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#10255 - 10/30/10 07:54 PM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: Stephanie]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Stephanie,
introspection and "what ifs" can make for a time of self resentment.
Being hard on your self,finding fault.
No one can blame.
Psychopathy is what it is.
You did not make it so.
Its okay to have hope.
Hope will bring answers for psychopathy someday.
Today is not that day.
It does not change how you felt.
It only stands to guide you.
Being at this crossroads is important.
You are at the place where real change begins.
This coping tip may help.
Write each self perceived mistake down and forgive yourself for each.
Then throw them away,flush them,shred them.
Just get rid of them totally.
Once they are gone do not dwell on the past.
You have forgiven yourself.
It is only within your power to do so.
No one can judge our burdens,hurts.
No one can give us the external pass to let go of things.
We,you have grown in knowledge.
Knowledge is your,our strength.
Growing past a victim stage is emotional.
You are changing.
Be extra patient and kind with your new self.
Learning to live life beyond our past takes time.
Give yourself all the time in the world.
Only you know what is right for you.
Only you know what kind of life you will live.
If you live in your right way your choices will be good feeling.
Living good feelings an actions and honest with yourself adds to your strength.
You are not alone in how you feel.
The "if I did not" and "what ifs" hold us back from growth.
You are growing as the most wonderful you.
Tend to yourself,foster your growth in your life.
You will have a healthy garden of wisdom to share.
Do not wither for others.
You can do this.
One day at a time you can.
You are special.
Your gifts are special.
Celebrate each good moment.
Every good moment is new,precious.
Every moment is yours.
















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#10257 - 11/02/10 12:48 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: clearblue]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I'm angry at myself for allowing him to treat me so bad for so long. But He really didn't treat me that bad besides his lies. it doesn't really get much worse than lies though. He's doing everything he can to get me to keep being his friend. I miss him. I have no idea why. Or why I love him. I'm fighting rationalizing in my head being able to deal with some of his crap. They are rather predictable. At least mine is. I can pretty much count on him doing the exact opposite of what he says. Lol Ok I don't know what I was thinking. It is the strangest thing though. I don't want to keep him but I can't seem to let him go. I don't know how I'm going to feel when he stops trying to get me back. I don't know if it is because he was my first love and who I lost my virginity too that makes it so hard to get over him or what. I just have no life, no friends and I'm going to be forty in two weeks. I don't want to be alone. I'd rather be alone than with someone who can't love. It will just take a little getting used to i guess. I'm so afraid that everyone left out there who is single is a psychopath or a porn addict. I'm just a little discouraged tonight. I know I've got to stick to this though. They never change.
_________________________
Faith

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#10258 - 11/02/10 03:47 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: Stephanie]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Stephanie,
I can understand what you are saying and how you are feeling.
It is a gamble for your situation.
Do we walk away with something in our hearts or throw the dice.
Really only you can answer that for yourself.
You need to decide where your imaginary lines will be drawn.
Questions to ask yourself would be "how low will you go" and
"what heights can I/we achieve"
It will require much inner strength and sacrifice.
You must endeavor to know yourself well.
You will need to be your own best friend and protector.
Your Psychopath person will fill some of the roles,some of the time.
In between his semblance of a relationship participant he will falter.
You already know this.
You have carried the hurt,happiness and changed from it.
No one likes to be hurting or alone.
Happiness is the natural way of the heart,mind.
I believe in an old truth "the only one thing all of humanity shares is loneliness".
I understand where your heart is.
If you feel that winning is worthy of you, no matter the cost- you have won.
If we never fail to fail and only play to win how much better are we?
Life experiences are what shape our souls and destiny.
You/we never take shape alone.
I appreciate your ideas about your relationship.
I think its wonderful how you can share how your relationship with a Psychopath affects you,
and how you feel about the Psychopath and why.
Life asks us to examine and choose are steps,most people will not intentionally step
on a person to get to where they are going.
One would not walk off a cliff if a warning sign said cliff ahead.
So we need to apply our mental stops, breaks,process the signs.
If you do not have the signs, who is anyone to tell you they are here or there or that they exist.
They can only tell you what they or others have seen or done or experienced.
Sometimes learning is not of that second,third person nature.
When we must learn in our own terms,we simply must.
You can always change your mind,change your life.
As long as you are able,you can.
If your self worth hinges on the actions of others,Psychopath or not it will make
your life subject to many good and bad moods, experiences.
There is a fine line between help and hinder.
Victims will tell you where they have found the line to be.
Some people are able to have larger portions of bad experiences.
Some people settle for less good experience.
Other people are motivated to the most good,most bad.
Finding your own balance is what will work for you.
The general life guides are general.

It is only what we can share and the hope it is offered in that
may be helpful.
I hope you find self,acceptance,strength and happiness.
I hope you have a joyous birthday.
I hope that even though you feel alone and unsure you may
know I care.
I hope you know we walk this road together.
I hope we can continue to share,change support each other.
I hope you know what ever decision you make it will not change how I feel,
as long as you are safe.

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#10300 - 11/14/10 01:31 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: clearblue]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I like to try to convince myself that I got some things i must have needed in my life to go through this. And I believe that i did, but at what price is the question. I have always had this fear of someone lying to me about porn due to what i seen with my step dad growing up. I've spent the last ten years trying to learn how to believe in love and i've done that. Just at the point in my life I was totally trusting and had let go of all my fears and insecurities of never being loved. of being replaced by some irresistable whore. I had peace and security with in myself and back into my life came the love of my life or so I'd thought for twenty years. And go figure i ended up being replaced by that irresistable whore.

It's like I've been fighting to prove i was worth more. But in doing so i somehow made myself become less important than that. I didn't really loose my belief in love again, But I had all my boundries crossed. Such important boundries to me. I've been completely powerless. Because of lies. He's the only person I would have ever even considered helping work through that porn issue. He lied to me the whole time. But maybe i needed him to push me into that uncomfortable zone. He did give me alot of insight into it's affects. But i had no idea of the lies of love and betrayl that was possible.

Being forced to live through my worst fear sucked. But I'm grateful because I fought so hard to learn to believe in love because i wanted it so badly. I didn't realize that even though I'd got over my fear or so i thought. It was still deep inside me. I don't know if it's possible but I believe that i was somehow completely blinded by that fear. Living through this changed that. I can now see. it's a sad loss of innocence in a way, but I now look at what I was up against without it. I was prey and would have ended up with exactly what i did not want. I could have been so lied to and i was. But going through that with my first love first everything and (as far as a psychopath can go) in being a life long friend. He has been that and he has pressed me to deal with this and i needed it. I needed to be able to do it in this somewhat "safe" environment. Yes it's scary with all the plots to destroy me for wanting to get away and all the other things he's done to leave me with post traumatic stress. He still has been and probably will be until I find another. The only man I've ever really trusted.

I can't believe a word he says but I do know if I was ever in a horrible pinch he is the one i know would help me get out. I have so many oxy morons with this situation. I know i can't be with him because he lies and he cheats and he's always trying to control and manipulate me me instead of just ask me. He refuses to be normal to do what is needed to make a relationship work. Why? It seems so simple to remedy so many things. I'm trying to accept that he will never be able to grasp it. Trying to not take it to personal by accepting he's a psychopath. trying to accept being cheated on. I've been made aware that I'm holding onto that pain. pretending that it didn't affect me. How does one let deal with being cheated on? Let alone get rid of that pain? I can't keep waiting around for him to see that I'm worth it or make somehow make it all go away. Do I really need to go no contact.

We've been through so many major life experiences. I feel like he has always been a part of me. How can i let that go? It's getting harder and harder to hang on to the belief that we can stay friends. But even harder to make myself believe that he can't truly ever really care about me. That's the part i keep trying to hand on to. Do you believe it's possible for a psychopath to be a friend or want to want to be good? Is healing possible if you don't cut off all contact? I Can't understand how they can not care if their hurting someone they claim to love.

Back to this subjects Do psychopaths feel fear. It may not outwardly look like it. But I know my psychopath is scared to death to feel vulnerable. Scared to death to feel alot of things. I think they are scared to death of being hurt or rejected. Maybe it's for being found out of who they really are. It seems to me they are consumed by fear to the point they won't allow themselves to feel They are to afraid to look in the mirror.


Thanks Clear blue for all of your support,
You have helped me a lot! And I've been following your posts, and I can see you have been helping
many others as well. To have your feelings validated for a change. helps to put everything in
prospective. Your words are so soothing. Your prof that their are still angels among us. I just
wanted to let you know how truly grateful i am for your kindness blush

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#10306 - 11/15/10 09:52 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: Stephanie]
clearblue Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 156
Hi Stephanie,
I am so happy to know we share in good thoughts and words.
Your observations are very good.
Psychopath's do experience an aspect of fear.
I feel it is dread.
Many Psychopath's have explained dread as being a strong antisocial factor in their lives.
Dread is an aspect or type of fear.
With Psychopath's the dread enforces their win/win perspective.
It is a motivator for them.
Most of us would apply dread in our lives to making changes to avoid dread.
Psychopath's apply it enforcing their anti-social behaviors,status.
It increases their ability to victimize.
A Psychopath has to be first,last.(win/win)
Psychopath dreads not being first,last.
Psychopath's actions always lend to a Psychopath keeping this impending dread in check.
They will become inconsolable if they must face dread.
If they act out it is usually in the extreme.
Violence,lies,destruction and all manner of negative actions.
Never corner a Psychopath.
If a Psychopath is forced to face dread they will self destruct,like a time bomb.
They will not give thought to who is affected by their actions.

When it comes to cheating,lies sometimes it helps to review our past.
What is it about cheating we feel keeps us emotionally victimized.
What about ourselves have we sat aside,protected,neglected.
Sometimes in review we discover a hidden element of our past where the first victim response was felt.
If we experienced the cheating of parents as a child witness and withheld truth being discovered or
confronted, a situation of cheating as an adult makes us feel like the helpless child again.
We wanted a more perfected life.
We hoped to gain control and create it in our own adult life.
We thought we did and lost are gain through a cheating spouse.
We are still a victim,we had high hopes.
We were better then,deserving of better,aspiring to better.
We valued the innocence of a clean mind,body,spirit,soul.
A cheater is taking the innocence away.
Reminding us of how we did not have a perfect mind,body or childhood.
A victim against ourselves already, we have no place for the conquests of others,at are expense.
Cheaters make us feel creepy,dirty and used.
We placed demands on ourselves that said "no cheating/cheaters"allowed.
We built a door that said "no",do not even go there.
Then someone opens that door.
Our own self punishment for feelings of boundary intrusion starts a cycle of self abuse.
We look to the mirror for answers.
We harass and punish our own ego and ask ourselves "why"we let it happen.
Truth is ourselves did not "let"it happen.
It alls go back to our child/helpless feelings.
We were powerless as children,now we are powerless as adults.
A Psychopath thrives on power.
A Psychopath may use your feelings,never return them.
A Psychopath does not understand feelings.
Psychopath's look to people as resources.
If you have an enormous amount of resources a Psychopath will hang around.
When your supply runs low a Psychopath will look for another resource.
When we no longer trust ourselves with our self needs we let someone else try.
When they fail we are not happy.
When we fail,they fail we punish ourselves.
We must first forgive ourself.
We are powerless to abuse from self or others until we forgive our self.
Give yourself the gift of purity.
You are pure in heart and mind.
Strength is within your heart and mind.
When you let your heart and mind work together you are strong.
When one or the other rules our life actions we are weak.
We are responsible for our own self.
Others are not capable of our true self care.
Only we know our true self.
Give yourself permission to grow,mend your inner child.
A child learned to feel from the heart then to think from the mind.
Growing up just means you can use the heart and mind together.
You are never aged in abuse in heart and mind.
You are always innocent,like a child.
We as adults say children are resilient.
A child never told that to an adult.
Adults know we are like children and we are resilient.
We our resilient,able to heal.
Like children,but grown in our ability to benefit ourself from heart and mind.
When heart and mind work together it is for your own benefits good,health,happiness.
When we have those we share them.
Sharing is mutual and does not have or make victims.
Asking ourselves about friendships,relationships ask
how will I feel. Will I feel,good,happy,healthy.
This may help you with Psychopath's or anyone in life.


If your heart says no,your mind may try it.
If your mind says no,your heart may try it.

If both say no...we never would.
If both say yes,do it.

I hope hope you have wonderful days.
Gift yourself often,you are special,caring and kind.
You are special today,everyday.












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#12499 - 12/29/11 07:35 PM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: clearblue]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Hi clearblue. I hope your still around. I know you probably know much more about what i'm going through than I'm able to see right now. I found out it was alot more than porn my psycho Psychopath was cheating on me with. He had personal ads on places like adult friend finder and was cheating on me the whole time online and off. I don't know why I have this obsessive need to make him tell me the truth. he's let me know in lots of little ways but in not able to just tell me the truth. I keep trying to make him. You are so right they to destruct, and oh boy destroy you for it. I don't know how or what I need to do to come to terms with my childhood abuse. The fact that he's lying to me makes me feel like I'll be trapped as this fool forever. I found out the truth though but he still won't admit it. This all makes me wonder why I have put up with this and if I don't feel that I deserve anything better. Why did I draw this sort of man into my life. And many other men much like him. Do I believe what I was told as a child? That no one would ever love me?

I don't want to be treated this way. I want to be loved and I have a huge capacity to love. I don't fear the porn cheating thing like I used to. I'm still alive and it doesn't pack the same punch that it used to. I seem to always get myself onto situations where I'm living my worst fears in reality. It does work pretty good though. I now have nothing left to fear. I want to bring good things into my life now. I don't want the affects from this psychopath to take any more from me. I'm getting very old and I don't want to be alone forever. I need to start to date at some point.

Well the good point is. I now know exactly what I want in my true love. I know what I don't want and I can now see the difference. Now if only i can believe that it is possible for me to be loved. I thought I'd got there but I must not have. If you have any idea's, I would really be grateful. I love reading your post. i feel like you know me somehow.


I hope you are doing well. I know it's been quite some time. It makes me sick to look back over my post, and see the years fly by and still I'm stuck here. Not wanting to or knowing how to grow up. Hope to hear to from you soon
_________________________
Faith

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#12591 - 01/26/12 02:47 AM Re: Do Psychopaths feel FEAR? [Re: 15percent]
Goran Offline
member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 7
Originally Posted By: 15percent
What information about FEAR is there in regards to a Psychopath.

Do they feel fear or not.

What do they do with fear if they do? How do they react or filter it?

I would like to know if they have the capacity to fear others or, is that the equivalent "reverse" of our(nonP's) Love?


Not sure why I am answering this post as the first thing; maybe because I was interested in this question first when confronting the psycho husband of a friends sister. Yes, they do feel fear. Just like all the other bulls**t they make you believe, they will first and foremost try to make you believe that they fear nothing - it is not true, don't believe it.

Yes, they certainly can fear others. If they tell you they are ex-navy seal or some such bs, it is the prime example of them trying to avoid confrontation through intimidation. This guy did it early on to make himself sound more dangerous and ward off from the rest of the family. They fear everything the rest of us fear, maybe even more so, because they know that the behavior they exhibit is only defensible in the world of illusions - don't let them go to that world and they will break down.

About whether that is the equivalent of love is an amusing question. I don't think so. Although if it is, I know a guy that is positively in love with me wink

Quote:

Do they thrive on their feelings of fear if they feel it?


No, they run from it in two different ways: retreat or escalate. If you can imagine a person with no personality trying to create a narrative that would make himself believe he exists as a viable human being, as long as the narrative is of a strong man, he will stay. When the narrative comes dangerously close to exposing the little vicious scared weakling b***h inside, he will either retract and try to recreate himself elsewhere, or escalate to continue the narrative if he believes he can win. Either way, fear is a very stressful situation for him, even though he may seem as if he's just fine.

Quote:

I was once told that the degree a person "hates" is the degree of "love that hurt"....just curious....


Bulls**t. If he loves someone, it's not the victim of his psychopathy. He doesn't hate his victim either, he simply has no respect for the victim and if the victim has an illusion that he does love her, he will see it right away, despise her for it and hurt her even more. Why he does this is very simple: he cannot maintain a narrative of a personality successfully with someone he has already broken to the degree that she thinks he loves her, even as he tortures her and he is frustrated by it. If one can make her think anything, that is not a solid base for his newly imagined personality.

Quote:

The only time I saw the Psychopath even remotely showing anything fearful is when my dogs have eyeballed him...I was amazed at the stone cold look - he froze. I had never before seen that look other than confronted with dogs, who by the way all dogs knew what he was, I have to wonder if that is why he abused the dogs cause they could see his soul and the darkness or lack of light in him, and they were warning him......they know somehow friend or foe....


What dogs know or don't know doesn't matter. It's the fact that he doesn't know whether he can win in the situation, simply because dogs are often loyal to their master and he's not a dog whisperer. If a human acts like a dog (loyal to the victim, ready to go all the way without a shadow of doubt and unafraid), he will freeze, then leave - there is nothing scarier to him than people who support the victim and who will not buy even the smallest amount of his bulls**t. This is a defeat for him and that doesn't fit into his narrative, so he will try to re-tell the story. Rarely he will try to re-tell the story with deeds, most of the time just with words, especially if the confrontation can be interpreted as a stand-off.

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