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#6477 - 01/13/08 11:58 PM My Story-Part 1
stunned Offline
member

Registered: 01/13/08
Posts: 10
I'll try to keep this succinct-it's so difficult to do when trying to relate an experience with a psychopath, as the endless twisted, repeating, bizarre, surreal, convoluted, callous, brutal, perverseness of the individual events in the experience alone, could fill a novel.

I still struggle to articulate and my mind is still searching for cohesion, I still doubt my own sanity...after almost 3 years out of the nightmare. The trauma is still very much unresolved for me and I can't help but wonder if I am one of those who just never fully recovers from the experience. I know some don't and it's just going to have to be ok if I am one of those.

At least now, with the advent of the internet and a few decades of research into the disorder, information is easier to come by. And those who have been through it can share on forums-and the eerie commonality between the experiences and behaviors inflicted on the posters by the psychopaths they have had the misfortune to encounter can soothe some of the twisting that has been done to their minds and serve as a bit of a reality test. This time, I know I am not alone. 15 years ago-I was not so lucky.

I met my undiagnosed Psychopathic partner at the end of 1990. I moved in with him after 3 months of dating. My mind was gone by the 3rd month of living with him. by the 11th month after continual mind-numbing brutality, degradation, humiliation, sadistic torture and complete destruction of my financial status, obliteration of my life's activities and friendships, total isolation, he came home one day and for no apparent reason informed me that he had just given notice to vacate the apartment and I had 2 weeks to get the hell out. I was in complete and total shock. We had just returned from a trip to Seattle to scope out the job market and see if we wanted to move there. I paid for the trip, helped him make up a resume. He smiled and told me he was moving to Seattle and I was NOT. He threw out a bunch of glib and clichťd lines, the kind he might make to a one night stand..."It was harder on him than it was on me," "we just weren't compatible," and "it's sad," "I tried my best-no hard feelings," while exhibiting a stone face with cold eyes along with a callous smirk. He followed that up with a few more, "you're a co-dependant" (first time I heard that word), "you don't love me you just need me," "you're just addicted to relationships," "I'm sick of your misery, you're no fun to be around and I want my life back, I deserve to be happy." Then he tells me he wants to have sex with me one last time for old time's sake but he's not sure that it would be "fair to me."

He asked what he could do to "make it easier on me." As a side note, I was reminded I owed him half the rent for that month. It was the last couple of hundred dollars I had left to my name-his mother had loaned him 30,000 with which to move, he didn't need money from me but he seemed to enjoy the fact that I was so controlled and intimidated and in shock-it was easy to get me to hand it over.

Looking back, it's clear that the whole thing was staged for optimal effect-at the time I guess that was the most degrading, brutal way he could think of to discard me. Little did I know then, his final encore 14 years later would top it by 100x.

He made a big show of having all of his family and friends come over to help him pack up in front of me, while I am all alone, having been smeared behind my back to all of our mutual friends (who now looked at me funny whenever they saw me-convinced I was insane) and isolated from my own support network -there was no one left I could reach out to.

He would periodically come over to me holding out some item I had bought for him and ask me if I didn't mind if he donated it to charity. I called one of the remaining friends I had 3000 miles away on the East Coast-he must have been familiar with this type of character, for he told me, do not cry or show any emotion in front of him-it feeds him, he's after a reaction. I could not help but cry. And I did beg him to tell me why he was doing this. He would laugh every time and stare at me with those cold scary lizard eyes. My friend stayed on the phone with me while I packed and walked me thru what I was going to do next, which is a blessing for I truly could not think at all by that point. I had no clue why he was doing this-none of it made any sense to me.

He told me to use my frequent flyer miles to buy a ticket "home" to Boston and come stay at his place where I could plan out what I needed to do next. I bought my ticket, moved my belongings into storage myself, went down to school and withdrew from my classes and flew to Boston a few days later. I was a complete zombie. I lost 15 lbs. in 2 weeks and my weight kept plummeting. The phone calls started within a few weeks. Thankfully, I barely remember the specifics of those conversations, I know there was a lot of glib and humiliating content in them and I could tell he was enjoying my pain. I'm pretty sure I did a lot of pleading. I wasn't getting any answers though. After several such calls, he tells me how much he misses me and suggests I move myself up to Seattle and get a place across town and "date him" from time to time, so that "we" can see if we're compatible and can work things out.

I'll end Part 1 for now..pick up later. I cannot comprehend what they get out of screwing with people's emotions (and entire lives) like this. Is it power? Enjoyable because they have no emotions which can be toyed?
And the "let's see if we can work it out" when there was never any defined issue to begin with? What is that all about? I thank you for the opportunity to share my experiences.
-Christine

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#6478 - 01/14/08 02:23 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
Segaya
Unregistered


Hello Christine,
Welcome to this forum. I asume you are new here. I am segaya and my oldest son is the p in my live at the moment. ( I think my parents were too but I didn't know it by then)
I read your story and all is very familiar.
Please keep writing and telling as long and as much as you need to. This is a good place to do and the people here are loving and understanding.We all know what it's about to have a p in your live.
Greets Segaya

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#6479 - 01/14/08 04:15 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
jan36
Unregistered


Hi Christine

Iím pleased you found the forum, you have certainly been through a terrible trauma. It sounds like you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is quite usual with victims of Psychopaths.

I hope you feel up to sharing the rest of your story soon. It really helps to write everything down this and could be a starting point for you to move on. Many people think they canít move on and none of us will forget our experiences but we can use them never to be put in this situation again. By sharing your terrible experiences it may give others the knowledge they need to get out of a similar situation before it goes too far. From what you say I would guess your ex has had a diagnosis, is that right? If so how did that come about?

I am using my experience to collaborate with a doctor who has done research into children with psychopathic traits. We are going to produce a booklet to help parents but also to inform the professionals. Most of them do not personally know a psychopath, for them they are just clients and they havenít a clue how devastating their impact on other peoplesí lives can be.

All the things you say are so familiar, the speed with which he sucked you in, the control, passing blame, parasitic lifestyle, even the sneer and empty eyes, not to mention cruelty and lack of conscience.

I will be on the forum every day if you need someone around to answer your posts. Letís hope this is the start of a new era for you.

Regards
Jan

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#6485 - 01/14/08 05:36 PM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: ]
stunned Offline
member

Registered: 01/13/08
Posts: 10
Hi Jan and Segaya and James,

Thanks for the welcome...it's a relief to be here. I am almost 3 years out at this point, but yes, I experience an extreme form of PTSD. Nightmares every night for the last 3 years. I went through this for this first time 14 yrs ago to a far lessor extent after the experience I wrote about above-so I already knew I had PTSD.

My partner has never been formally diagnosed, and unless he were ever to get so careless (very unlikely) that he were to end up incarcerated, he never will be diagnosed.

When trying to get me to take him back the first time, he did go to "therapy" for a year straight. What he gained from that was a honing of his manipualtive skills and unfortunately he got me back. No diagnosis was made by his therapist.

My 42 year old brother who has many sociopathic traits and has been in and out of jail for most of his adult life has an uncanny knack for reading people accurately (no surprise there). He had met "my" P once when we were together on a vacation years ago. My brother told me that he himself had been completely fooled by the P's facade and I should consider myself as having been "taken in by a master predator".

I will have to continue to split my story -probably 3 parts in total but I will continue to pot it.

Glad I found you!
-Christine




Edited by stunned (01/14/08 05:40 PM)

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#6486 - 01/14/08 06:29 PM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
Segaya
Unregistered


hello Christine,
How recognizable again.
My son was in prison. This was a juvanal prison by then ( I don't know again if I wrote it correcly ..I'm dutch...)
After almost a year the psychiatrist of the jail phoned me... Saturday evening around 10 pm..( the idiot!!)I was very angry and told him if he wanted to speak to me, then please call me at a normal time, don't make me shock because it's saturday evening and no time to make calles like this!
I told him he could call me at thuesday evening at 8 pm, no later because then I wouldn't be home anymore ( not treu but I felt this was neccessary).
He called me that evening and he asked me what my impression was of my son. I told him what my thoughts are very candid because still hoping they could help him in anyway.( at this time I suspect him to be a psychopath, but wasn't sure at all)
I gave examples of things that happened and shared my fear that he had what we call the bottum less pitt syndrom. You can put in a kid whatever you want, love, care, loyalty etc, but it won't make a difference.
I also told him that he was over this syndrom by now. The man immidiatly got an attitude and told me;'but little lady ( grgrggrgr) this shows you know nothing about the syndrom..first off all it's made up by parents themselves and IF it would exist they can't get over it. The way I see your son is; he is very friendly, laughs a lot, has humor, is helping everybody, very into sports, healthy, never refuses to help to do his part of the work, is socially involved with the other inmates and helps them if they need and want it.'
My son was there already for a very long time.
This made me doubt myself again!
Was it me after all..Did I see him in a way he wasn't behaving.... did I project something on him...I was confussed and had no where to turn to.
After having health problems because of this for days I saw the light....he was acting..And he was different from other people..We,normal people couldn't do this, this kind of acting...he could!!!!
After I saw a documentary from dr. Hare it became clear to me that my son is a p.... I understood from then on what was going on and why he could act that way for over a year.
We couldn't do it because we have a consious,we have emotions and knowledge of time and space.
But he.... he doesn't, so 1 day or a year..there is no difference... That was the answer.

Later on I found out several things that made me right!
he was into drugs in jail ,he was the one that sold it to his fellow inmates,helped by the proffesionals!!. Guards who bought it with money he gave them,got it savely in the jail and gave it to him to sell..they would get a perscentice of the profit.
he was fighting a lot behind doors and scared people not to tell.

The psychiatrist made me doubt but luckely for me not for a very long time.

I also experienced that with every therapy they get smarter and more intelligent in the way the act out afterwards.

You are right I think to split your story... But remember...so much has happend that even splitting it in 3..you can't tell it all at once. You wil forget things. If you see a posting of somebody else the things will get back to you. No problem... we understand!
Take your time and every time you think about an other aspect of your experiences you can tell us about it. This will help you but it wil also help us. The more we know the more we can compare and the more we learn about this.

I think so much has happend that it will be impossiblle to tell it all at once.

greets segaya


Edited by Segaya (01/14/08 06:34 PM)

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#6487 - 01/15/08 09:58 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
jan36
Unregistered


Hi Christine

Your exís therapy confirms what we were told about the FP, that it would make him worse and that was even without a written diagnosis. I wonder if any psychologist has ever give a diagnosis of psychopathy in a child the UK? She obviously knew what she was dealing with and her hands were probably tied by not being allowed to stigmatise a child.
I canít imagine when if ever this situation will be changed. As you say people like your ex would have to be caught and incarcerated for an offence before getting diagnosed. Even then what is the point of having a diagnosis if there is no cure and you canít just convict a person for having a personality disorder.

Itís amazing the act they are able to keep up for the right people, it proves my point that they know exactly what they are doing. My partnerís kid could fool most people and Iím sure a lot of them thought it was me who was the problem. It was a very slow process to educate some of our circle of friends and we had to do it by letting them find out what he had been up to rather than bring too much to their attention.

Some people will never accept the facts whatever they see or hear and some will not be targeted so they donít suffer the full on behaviour. There is that old saying ďall kids do that, he will grow out of it.Ē That is what people want to believe if they donít understand the condition. Anyway Ė why should they care, itís not a problem for them. Denial is one of the greatest defence mechanisms close relatives employ to hide their head in the sand.
The other big problem we have is the name Psychopathy, it conjures the mad man, serial killer image but it is the name that should be used so education is the key. We have sex education in schools but I think learning about personality and disorders would be far more useful.

Segaya is right, you will remember things from the past that are not in chronological order with what you have written but it's important to add information as it comes back to you. We do need to compare and find out all the common ground and how we have dealt with things. The 'symptoms' of psychopathy seem so similar to symptoms of a physical disease, it's odd how their behaviours are 'symptoms'.

Regards
Jan

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#6490 - 01/15/08 03:04 PM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: ]
stunned Offline
member

Registered: 01/13/08
Posts: 10
Hi all!!

Gosh do I totally relate to your posts above.

It seems a several common threads here are:
1.The difficulties we encounter when seeking outside help in dealing with the issues created in our encounters with the Psychopath or in getting the "professionals" to perceive the situation for what it really is.

2. It is not realistic to expect there is any "treatment" (for the Psychopth)that renders any lasting, positive benefit. In fact, the result is negative.

3. Psychopaths are chameleons and expert in acting, often creating and displaying entirely differnt personas to fit what ever occaision arises. They are also experts at creating a "flawless" version of reality in which have reversed roles with the victim.

Aside from the overt abuse inflicted on me directly by my P partner, I found that the secondary abuse-the "re-victimization" has had a devastating effect.

Even today, it is still very difficult to gain access to any sort of "professional" who understands this particular disorder, and so it is still very much like being stuck in silence, as attempting to convey why my behavior my seem odd (keeping to myself, chronic nightmares, overall flat affect) in combination with speaking of any of the events-usually comes across to those minds unfamiliar with this sort of destruction, as my own pathology, rather than the result of the trauma...the sad catch-22.

Even the Domestic Violence Centers, while having proven to have been the most helpful route that I took, simply could not understand the ramifications of this kind of abuse- Psychopaths go beyond that framework.

I was not believed when I finally broke my silence to those around me about the abuse (while I was still in the midst of it). Their perceptions had already been molded in advance by the distorted version of reality the P had created. I think for me, this was the most horrific part -waking up to find myself trapped inside the nightmare of P abuse knowing that I would forever be alone in the experience, effectively silenced, disbelieved and outright shunned. Not only could I do/say nothing to bring the truth of the abuse into the light but attempting to speak of it I was only bringing more harm to myself.

Breaking the silence has only brought shunning, invalidation, pathologizing, "victim" bashing. The effect has been extremely isolating and totally frustrating.

Again-very grateful for this forum!!
-Christine

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#6491 - 01/16/08 09:08 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
James Offline
member

Registered: 10/04/07
Posts: 134
Hey there,

I get surprised every time someone puts a new post.
Psychos are so much alike.

Interestingly, I see that if we know a bit about each others' psychos, we get to find better ways to deal with our own ones.

I am trying not to argue with my P. He's tyeing knots and sliding through life lying more and more.
I am the only person who knows he's a P.
And only my mom knows for sure that something's wrong with him.

Stunned, you said "hey are also experts at creating a "flawless" version of reality in which have reversed roles with the victim"

Yes, I can confirm you that.
My father lies around everywhere, instigates everyone against everyone. He hates the whole family, including me.

But people only see his flawless, perfect face: "kind, gentle, very generous and hard-working, friendly, super-person, ultrakind"

Me and my mom see this: he lives parallel false lives, pathological liar, says one thing and does another, brutally violent, cynical, unable to love, has no standard behavior, but always creates periodical masks that he puts on.

Well, psychos are "artists" of deception...
A P will behave so that everyone will love him and support him, he will this way be able to easier tear down his isolated enemy.

In my case the enemy was initially my mom.
I should mention that my father was very old when he got married to my mom. He lived alone mos of his life.

Then I was born...

But, instead of becoming a sicko like him, I became sort of an "antibody" or a "antibiotic", so my mom was lucky to have me.

Unfortunately there are dozens of people, whole families, even company staff all around us, who are in my father's camp.

Interesting things that I have noticed about my P in the last few months:

{1} ROLE INVERSATION
-> in order to cope with a situation in which he is guilty (could be caught), he invents a completely different version of reality, one that gives him a positive role and us the negative one
-> in order to overcome, he forces this false reality upon many many people around, long before we (the injured party) could punish him...
-> in other words, he "punishes" us and comes with his "good behaviour", "teaching us how to be good", he does all this long before we could "catch him"
-> he always wins...
-> this is the ROLE INVERSATION TECHNIQUE

(2) THE MORE LOVE THAN SUSPICION TECHNIQUE
-> he hates many people
-> he isolates the victims and all around them he starts a "love parade" for himself, in which he plays the "good guy, the loving friend", so he makes dozens of friends...
-> this means people love him...
-> more people will love him than hate him...
-> nobody will suspect him for being a bastard
-> everyone will support him, just because he is not a suspect
-> simply: he attracts much sympathy to him in order to mask his sick way of life

(3) ENSURE & ATTACK TECHNIQUE (in other words, the "I AM RIGHT, SO LET ME HURT THEM! - TECHNIQUE")

-> my P is brutal
-> but he only attacks when he has many many friends, money, is doing well with popularity
-> so I run from him especially when things look "good" around him: parties, so much adoration from people towards him...
-> he ensures himself a GOOD ROLE, so when he is perceived as the GOOD GUY, his attack against me (or other victim) will look legitimate...

(4) THE "I ONLY WANT TO HELP" TECHNIQUE

-> often attacks me with a reason and then comes to help for some other reason...
-> everyone will be with him on that, "he only wants good"

(5) IMITATION FOR MAKING ALLIES

-> he imitates people
-> so sickly that I am shocked to see him imitate even gestures, facial expressions, behaves just like them
-> people will assume "he's like us, this guy is a good guy"

(6) THE "HEY, HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND? THEN I STAB YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT" TECHNIQUE

-> he makes friends with the victim, even with me...
-> in my teenage years, he would invite me to restaurants and friends, he'd talk so nice, promise me "things will be all right", was be very friendly and I was naive...
-> he gave me pocket money, talked nice for days, but no longer than a week or so...
-> I opened up and started telling him things that I kept secret until then (like financial situation, who my friends were, what relatives are doing and where certain people live, what someone told me on the phone)...
-> then he'd collect all that information...
-> by the way, he is a fine manipulator and is passionate about secret agents and KGB and all that... so he loves to find out things...
-> after weeks, months, I found myself "stabbed in the back" after he made me confess, feeling so secure in his false friendship...
-> my own father, yes, ... he'd throw false versions of what I told him, all around me, he'd call up all my friends... all I told him, he sued against me...

(7) THE "I MAKE YOU DIRTY 'N' THEN YOU HANDLE IT" TECHNIQUE

-> he destroys the victims image
-> whether people believe it or not, it is a scandal, it sounds bad and my image is affected...

Sorry for the long post, btw...


Edited by James (01/16/08 09:09 AM)

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#6526 - 01/22/08 02:41 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: stunned]
clee Offline
member

Registered: 12/26/07
Posts: 17
Let me tell you as the mother of a 13 year old boy who stabbed his 4 year old sister to death that even if he were incarcerated he would still not be diagnosed or given any help.

The best advice I can give you is find a good therapist who deals with trauma and stay the hell away from your ex.

You will make it, Charity

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#9043 - 01/18/10 09:15 AM Re: My Story-Part 1 [Re: clee]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
The Re-victimization Years

I did end up moving myself up to Seattle 3 months after the Psychopath moved out on me. I lived across town, as he had suggested. I was completely beaten down and brainwashed, financially wiped out, my self-esteem no longer existed, although I could still sense the disrespect and degradation in the way he treated me during that time -I was a toy he was playing with, which he could treat any way he liked, knowing I would still be there.

My sense of identity and connection to self had been so solid before the year I lived with him and the ensuing interactions. Yet, i could not even remember who I had been and had no understanding of the "constant crisis", as the Psychopath loved to point out to me, my life was now in. I believed him when he informed me that my condition was self-induced.

That "pathology" had been introduced via the trauma/abuse-but I am shocked remembering back, at how easy it had been to instill/enforce such self-doubt in me-I had thought I was much stronger than that. I am even more shocked he was able to accomplish the same kind of damage, using the same kind of tactics 10 years later.

My reactions caused me to question my sanity, if my identity could become so eroded that my self-esteem could be so easily influenced by outside sources, surely I must be unstable..but now I know the isolation, instability and manipulation of perception contributed greatly to that kind of reaction. In coercing my move to Seattle, he had succeeded in fostering a "total" dependence and rendered himself "indispensable." I had become molded into the perfect "accomplice to my own victimization."

I carried the shame he had dumped on me from the preceding D&D, I felt immense guilt, as though I embodied defectiveness and I felt the need to hide myself away so as not to subject the world to my ugliness.

He saw me when he felt like it but would never come around if I needed him. He would allow me over only when he wanted sex but I was not allowed to shower or spend the night. He told me I was crazy, depressed, miserable to be around, a failure and needed to see a psychiatrist. I believed him.

I felt humiliated by my own defectiveness and worthlessness never totally correlating them with the ongoing abuse, but instead attributing them to my own failure and defectiveness. I was told repeatedly "You can't live with me" (not sure if I even asked), "why can't you accept what I am able to give," "I am afraid of your mental illness-you are unstable." He acted as though I were insane and he was doing me a favor to allow me around-I was not invited to or allowed to participate in his actives with friends or family events.

His friends were encouraged to think of me and treat me in a similar manor and it just became customary practice. His mother (Masters in Art Therapy), who kept in contact with me, did the same-continually re-enforcing how mentally defective I was, pushing her odd new age, self-help and psychological dogmas onto me, in the name of "guiding me for my own good." With the 2 of them playing off of each other's pathology and continuing to target me, as they had begun the year before -I had no outside perspective and their projections and assertions about me seemed like the "legitimate" reality, especially in light of his mother's credentials.

I have come to learn that many of the abusive beliefs held, tactics he used, and projections he flung at me had come directly from his mother. He would often parrot her words when speaking to me-so I became able to recognize that he was"imitating her" had adopted part of her as a persona to use for himself. Both of them continued to direct my attention inward-to examining my failings and flaws and I was repeatedly told that I was responsible for what was going on-to believe otherwise would be to off-load my personal responsibility.

A conversation with either of them, was heavy on the verbal abuse, twisted/circular logic, word salad, bizarre distortions while paradoxically conveying faux concern about my well-being. Between the lines, covert hostility battered me so intensely I could feel it like a rapid succession of little punches one after the next. Abusers define reality and enforce the reality they have defined-I had forgotten that I had known that.

They seemed to bond with each other through the experience of jointly defining/controlling me while denying the abuse was taking place. I doubted my own sanity from that point forward-it was particularly painful, as I entirely believed I must be the most defective human on the planet. I wish I had known about PROJECTIVE IDENTIFICATION then...my god, it would have explained so much-the 2 of them had jointly engaged in projecting their collective insanity onto me while interacting with me as though I really was their projection. His mother repainted the abuse into a situation of mutual relationship issues, incompatibility and character flaws in me rather than more accurate power/control unrighteous dominion type situation specifically created by the Psychopath. My mind felt like it had been knotted into a pretzel.

I sought out the help I supposedly need from a psychiatrist, who prescribed horrible anti-depressants (never asked if I was being abused) which had the effect of making me extremely depressed, feel like I wanted to die, anxious, unable to eat, clouded my thinking even more-they did not make me happy, able to sleep or serene in any way. They made me quite ill actually. That doctor prescribed the pills but never monitored me. I should not have ever considered taking them, they adversely affected my ability to function, which I imagine is probably the case when the inability to function/cope is really related to ongoing abuse and trauma.

Once again, my decision to even try them was influenced by the brainwashing of the Psychopath and his mom, sad to say, I believed them that there was something seriously wrong with me and if I could just get myself fixed, I would be acceptable as a human being-this was not my own thinking, but rather their beliefs incorporated into my own psyche-I had adopted my abuser's perspective and in doing so, unwittingly validated their distorted projections of insanity/defectiveness enabling them to feel justified in their continuing to treat me accordingly. Change yourself was the Psychopath's mother's mantra to me-find what's broken in you.

Giving their lies that much credence also served to reinforce my self-doubt, keeping me separated from my ability to critically think and trust in my own perceptions. It kept me dependant on them to define reality.
I feel disgusted that I was so easily able to be roped into that nonsense -but I have a much broader understanding of how important it is to safe guard my ability to think critically and be discriminating in the influences I allow into my mind. I estimate it took me 3 full years to deprogram and heal emotionally from that first round, I even seemed to emerge stronger and wiser. But some residual conditioned beliefs had remained entrenched...I hadn't shaken the notion that it was my defective character that prevented that relationship from being able to function and caused continual chaos in my life. I still looked inside myself for answers instead of looking at what my abusers were doing and recognizing the control they had over me and the effects on my life.

I eventually smartened up and eliminated those wretched anti depressants and found a therapist who was a tad more helpful than the pill-pushing psychiatrist. Yet none of them really addressed the issue at hand-digging all over the past to try and explain the present was useless and medicating in an attempt to alleviate the symptoms (insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, foggy thinking) which were present to alert me to the existence of ongoing abuse was just plain dangerous and counterproductive. Even worse, the therapist had suggested I rely on the Psychopath for reality checks on how "my depression" was going. This was even more damaging. I've noticed these days in most Domestic Violence Protocols, they make it clear how imperative it is to the victim's well-being that if they are involved in counseling or substance abuse treatment that it is safely kept out of the knowledge/control of the abuser because it presents an easy vulnerability to sabotage/exploit.

I remained pretty isolated during my first year in Seattle and all of my focus was on trying to repair my "defective self". While the Psychopath was having a grand time of running around with his ego pumped up by his subjugation of me spending the 30,000 his mother had loaned him, I struggled to pay my rent, deal with the loose ends from my move, find work and get established. Whenever I DID see him, he made a show of either flashing large sums of cash or flaunting what he had bought himself. He got a lot of ego boosting out of letting me know how much fun he was having and how popular he was.

It had occurred to me that if he had really been serious about wanting to see if there was any way to "work out our relationship", he would have been seeing and talking to me more often, possibly engaging in joint counseling and most likely investing or saving that money so that if we did decide to make another go of it, there would be a downpayment on a house. There would be some kind of visible action occurring. But there never really HAD been a relationship and I did not really exist-his world is and always was all about him and how he chose to slant the reality of what he wanted it to appear to be. There was never going to be a relationship and all of the promises had been lies to keep me hooked running through hoops until I was deemed no longer useful. I began to pull my attention away and focus on rebuilding my life.

In Part 3 I will pick up with how the rest of my first year in Seattle panned out and continue through to the end of the 15th year with the Psychopath.
I cringe when I think back to the degradation and humiliation I endured, yet I also remember that I had been completely brainwashed. I am saddened when I remember the emotional rape and the psychological torture but proud when I remember that I made it through that chaos alone on whatever inner strength I had.

-Stunned


Edited by Dianne E. (01/18/10 09:17 AM)
Edit Reason: moved to combine posts

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