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#1031 - 04/27/03 12:25 PM Re: "What 'No Contact' Means to Me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Betrayed and Di!

A chat line would be great at times for me! Sometimes it would be great to get "instant" feedback.

I feel such a connection to many who post here. It seems to work many times that when I'm down someone else is up and vice versa.

Yes, there have been times I've thought it would be REALLY helpful to have a chat line. . .

:-)
finished

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#1032 - 04/27/03 05:14 PM Re: General Discussion - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


I just tried posting, clicked the reply button but can't find it, I'm learning this all over again

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#1033 - 04/27/03 07:05 PM Re: General Discussion - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hey Treefrog!!!!!

It is good to see you back. How are you doing these days?

finished

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#1034 - 04/27/03 08:06 PM Re: "What 'No Contact' Means to Me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


finished,
My puppy is doing great! This time of day, I usually get on the computer and my dog always lays down near near me and sleeps. It is like our time together. I agree pets can be very healing.
betterway

betterway

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#1035 - 04/29/03 07:20 AM Re: "What 'No Contact' Means to Me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betterway!

A few days ago I posted that I was suffering from the "co-dependent crazies".

I think what I love most as I have started this journey to unravel my life is that if I'm seriously needing answers I am guided to exactly what I need to hear.

Last night was my DVIS group. The subject was emphazing boundries as well as co-dependance. The leader said almost word for word what I had said. How I felt SOOOOO RESPONSIBLE for the behavior of others. There lives were a mess on account of me (you know, not doing it right as a mother, wife, "friend", etc.) You know what I'm talking about?

Well what was so great was that was addressed. I knew I was "off" but didn't know how to stop that spin I was in. She stressed EVERYBODY is responsible for their own stuff. And yes, all of us could do it better. . .and if we did miss it. . .to FORGIVE ourselves.

You know, I knew that but somehow because of SOOOOOOOOOO much stuff going on in my life with various members of my family as well as P#1 and P#2, I began feeling like it was all my fault. It was like a burden lifted off my shoulders.

It was all stuff I knew. . .but when caught up in the craziness of all this N/P behavior, it is easy to forget. Baby steps, baby steps.

Have a great day Betterway!
finished

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#1036 - 04/29/03 08:41 AM Re: "What 'No Contact' Means to Me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi finished,

>>How I felt SOOOOO RESPONSIBLE for the behavior of others.<<

The P. tells me to this day that I changed that I am the reason why we are no longer business partners, the reason why we are not friends. I believe that to a certain extent, I did change, (who wouldn't, knowing a P. is a life changing experience) he didn't, he was always a P. and always will be. I could walk back into the P. world if I wanted, but only on P's terms (he actually said that, that things could work, but only on his terms). The P. is always telling me I am the problem. Projection, uhh!!

>>She stressed EVERYBODY is responsible for their own stuff.<<

Yes, this is true, but I have a hard time with it. I feel like the words and behaviors of others does have a big impact on how I feel and act. I give others too much power. The P. told me that "my feelings are my feelings and they are mine to deal with". He doesn't want to hear about them. Oh, how wonderful, he can step all over me, crush my spirit and then walk away saying, not my responsibility.

I do know today that I am not responsible for that friendship falling apart. I am, however, responsible for my behavior and reactions to the P. I am not proud of some of the things I said and some of the things I did (so out of character for me). I forgive myself for the most part for those things. Like I have read, they were normal reactions to an abnormal situation.

You have a great day too, finished!

betterway

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#1037 - 04/29/03 07:17 PM Re: "What 'No Contact' Means to Me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Betterway!

>>The P. tells me to this day that I changed that I am the reason why we are no longer business partners, the reason why we are not friends.<<

I wish I had a dollar for every time P#1 told me that.

"You've changed" was his response to just about everything I confronted him with. I would also hear about how I had become "too good" for him now, when I was becoming successful in my profession. Also that I was "miss high and mighty" because I would protest about his treatment to me. Yes, I did react to it. I didn't know any better then. And yes, because I didn't understand this personality disorder and all that goes along with it I took it ALL personal. Who wouldn't?

It was a long slow torture. Mental and emotional torture. I constantly felt responsible because he told me I was. I was so beaten down I believed it (to a degree). Sometimes I really knew he was a lunatic. He would rage and act like the devil incarnate. I understand totally about that process.

Now P#2 was more subtttttlllle. His was totally a mind thing. . .but again, I took alot of responsibility. At the time I thought I was a failure. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. . .just generally. . .enough.

Now I'm working on forgiving myself. I feel so stupid and ashamed when I think about it sometimes. And the time I spent and wasted obsessing about P#2. Things were going to hell in my life and I was so obsessed with P#2 that I let it all slide. I am JUST NOW beginning to see there is a way out. I let my personal and financial life go completely down. All I could think about was P#2. I was caught in a downward spiral that seemed endless. So many times when I thought I was getting my balance again, he would reenter my life and the chaos would begin again.

>> Yes, this is true, but I have a hard time with it. I feel like the words and behaviors of others does have a big impact on how I feel and act. I give others too much power<<

For me, I am learning this is a learned behavior. In my life, I have done the same thing. I am learning over and over it goes back to old childhood issues.

Something I read in one of John Grays books a long time ago was something along these lines. Every relationship we enter into is an opportunity to heal old childhood wounds. If there is enough love our "stuff" can come up and if there is enough love it is zapped and is healed. If not, it reopens the wound and we are rewounded (or traumatized all over again). I have heard that several times since then from different authors and speakers. I believe their is alot of truth in that.

>>The P. told me that "my feelings are my feelings and they are mine to deal with". He doesn't want to hear about them<<

That's pretty cold coming from a "friend" (also something I used to hear from P#1). True friends care about one anothers feelings and certainly don't set out to crush or deliberately hurt them. Some friend. . .friends talk, friends share, friends care about friends feelings. He is a creep Betterway. . .(I'm mad at him tonight). When friends are hurt, friends comfort. They don't say "deal with it". . .(where is he? I want to beat him up). :-)

>>Like I have read, they were normal reactions to an abnormal situation.<<

Remember that now Betterway (and remind me back when I get off track)!!!

Love to (((Betterway)))
finished

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#1038 - 05/07/03 11:51 PM Re: General Discussion
Anonymous
Unregistered


Well, as I have written before that it has been 5 months since I had my lightbulb moment. I am doing a lot better. And yes, the more distance and time the easier it gets. Still, sometimes I cannot believe what we have all experienced. And, as many people have stated on the forum, the only people that truly understand are those that have experienced some degree of the P personality themselves.
There are a lot of songs about lying and probably just as many about broken hearts and lost love. There is one song, in particular, that speaks to me about the P experience.
Bonnie Raitt, I Can't Make You Love Me Tab. I don't need to pick it apart...it pretty much says it all. Here are the lyrics. I'm sure many of you are familiar with it.
Rick

Turn down the lights,
turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
Just hold me close,don't patronize
Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me,
if you don't

I'll close my eyes,
then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me,
if you don't

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#1039 - 05/14/03 06:28 PM Re: General Discussion - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


OK.... I need to hear it again. Why do P's have such a hold on our hearts after many months and, perhaps, years have gone by? It gets better with time, absolutely. But sometimes I feel like there is a ghost out there that keeps coming to visit... shaking up my dreams and memories.
Two words came to mind the other day when I was thinking about my P. Duplicitous semantics. They are sly and cunning
and always, always have an agenda.
Rick

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#1040 - 05/16/03 04:27 PM Re: General Discussion - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


Rick b1, I have feel the same way, that i can explain myself why after so many months of no contact, i sometimes feel his presence. I wonder, if i am nuts, but when i hear i am not the only one to feel that way, I know the "P effect" is real.

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