>>was my saying to myself, almost like a mantra, "I know what happened, I know the truth."<<

I truly understand. I have to tell myself that constantly.
If I don't come here, I forget what is really going on. I need to see it in writing, to help me heal from this very sick traumatic experience in my life. Every single posts tells a little bit more of my story.

You guys are so wonderful. I am really busy with work today, which is good for me. But I still come here and read the new posts, and all I can say is - Wow, when I think about the number the P. played on me. Had a little bit of PTSD this weekend, but coming out of those episodes alot easier these days. Thank you so much! betterway

Thanks to all of you. Overall I feel much better. But have some up and down, this morning not that great, because I have ran into some of his people, although they are nice with me, I suspect something was said..

>>because I have ran into some of his people, although they are nice with me, I suspect something was said<<

This also happened to me on friday, hopefull. The P. and I have mutual businesses contacts that we have to deal with. I just felt by this contacts tone of voice and how she answered the questions, that the P. had gotten to her. On occasion I do have the option of steering my clients to others companies, and I will, whenever possible. I thought about paranoia for awhile, and I decided it doesn't matter rather or not Im paranoid. What my problem is, is that the P. is still effecting how I see things, how I do business. I still have fear of what he will do, especially as I pull further and further away. He's not even around me or talking to me on a regular basis, but I can still feel, the yuckiness that the P. generated in my world. I also know that as I pratice the "NO CONTACT" rule I am getting better. I am tempted to tell the P. that he will not destroy my career. I know better though, if I told him that it would be a challenge to him, and it would be the next thing he would have to do, if he isn't already trying. You wouldn't believe how much fuel I have added to the P's fire, in the past with what I have communicated with him. I thought communication (CONTACT) was the answer. The P. took what I would say and tortured with actions, words and looks. As I am further away from the P. I am starting to find myself again, and think positive things, and realize what he tried and did for awhile steal from me. Gotta for now. betterway

Betterway,

Thanks. We are defenitively dealing with the same kind of person. I am impressed that you seem to be still in contact and still keeping yourself controlled. I was for a long time, but back in May, I had pulled so much energy to organize something professional, pulling resources from all corners and he behaved such like a terrible Ps, unrespectful with so many different mindgames all at once that I exploded and said to him that no more, that was the end of the game. And he did contact again some weeks ago, and I was calm and few days after, it got to me again that no way I was going to tolerate those behaviors more so when I heard him telling him that it should be like before. So I said what I thought. I think I can be tolerant any longer, I can't be calm knowing there game. I know that being quiet is smarter it doesn't stir up their fire. Because I exploded I have the impression he must be pointing finger, oh yes her, she is completely out of control, she is hysterical and bla, bla, bla. So I am impressed that you can still manage to be under control. Thanks for your comments.

>>Because I exploded I have the impression he must be pointing finger, oh yes her, she is completely out of control, she is hysterical and bla, bla, bla.<<

I have been working from home for 2 1/2 months now. So my emotions are starting to come under some control. I am sure I am known at the office for being a basket case, thanks to the P. The last year has been such a mess, I cried many times, hid out in my office, ignored "them", tried to be civil to "them", tried to make "P" understand, only to have him laugh and make jokes with others. He basicly discredited me and made me feel like a nobody in my office. For the last year, I have basicly tried to keep my business seperate, but we still have files we are finishing up. Right now we speak about 2-3 minutes every other day. He acts confused as to why I am pulling away. Gosh how many times and many different ways have I told him. Decided it was a waste of my time. I have been very mean to the P., verbally & nonverbally, during the time of the "blow off" by him. I get such wierd vibes (as Finished was saying the other day) when I am at my office, rather or not anybody is there. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. I use to meet clients their, now I meet them at there house or at restaraunts. It is a long long process of recovery, and Im taking one step at a time. Many times falling backwards, but not for long, now that I found the forum. betterway

....He basicly discredited me and made me feel like a nobody in my office....
That is what my P did as well. The worst it was in my own world with my people.
So with that and with all we have read, I think that they don t know the damage they do, mostly because they do not feel. They strategize to hurt and manipulate but no big deal, since they have never felt hurt. I think we will regain confidence but we will remember very fast if anything remotely similar pop up in our face. Thanks again with comments, it helps not fall back.
And Finished, enjoy your vacation away.

Hi,

I would like to talk and hear about "No Contact". It is mentioned often, but is hard to carry out. Easier said than done.

I have no children with P. No financial or business dealings. But live in a small community that I can't leave for a few years more. So it is inevitable at times that I run into him. This is what "No Contact" has meant for me:

If I see him coming, I walk away from the area.
If I can't avoid his area, I refuse eye contact and leave quickly.
No contact means, I don't speak to him.
If P speaks, I say nothing and don't even look at him.

No contact means no response.
When P publicly berated me, I ignored him, as if he were a nut standing on the streetcorner. I was angry with myself at first for not responding assertively. The next day, I woke up and realized that anyone who didn't know "us" had no idea what he was talking about. To them, he really DID look like a nut, yelling and shouting his head off. To the few people who knew of "us", he proved himself to be an even bigger @55 than anyone ever before suspected.

No contact means, when his kids call and want to see my kids, they can't come over. My kids will meet them in another place. No contact means, I will not ever tell him or his children where I live. His kids and mine meet at places away from my home.

No contact means, no matter how ridiculous and untrue his accusations, his emails, his public harangues, his slandering of my character, I WILL NOT RESPOND. Those who know "us", know the truth of what happened. Those who know him, and not me, eventually find out how much he lies. Time wounds all heels.

No contact means, I will not respond through third parties. When someone else repeats what P said about me, or tells me about him, I nod my head as if listening politely, and change the subject. To something else that THEY are intersted in. Not about P, and not about me. I give them no fuel to bring back to his fire.

No contact means, I leave his greeting cut off mid syllable, hanging in mid air. Unacknowledged, unanswered, awkward silence? Not for me, by the time his greeting falls to the ground, frozen, brittle, and shatterred, I am out of the area. It looks as if he thought I was someone he knew, but I wasn't, and didn't answer. Some might say this is rude. I call it survival. I call it followthrough. I told him to leave me alone. Now I am acting on it. No contact means I no longer tell him to leave me alone, I simply refuse to be around him, refuse to respond, and detach, leave the scene, hang up, refuse to answer. No contact means, that the next time he harangues and yells at me in public, I will walk straight to the police station and file a complaint. And I will tell them the legal reasons why he is so angry with me.
No contact means, I will hang up the phone when I hear his voice. And then leave it unplugged or turn off the ringer. No contact means, I will not open the door, not even to ask him to leave, I will simply call the police, make a complaint, and ask them to remove him. I already told him to leave me alone. Once should be enough.

No contact means that even when my knees are weak and my heart pounds, I say a quick silent prayer for strength, and for God not to let me be ashamed, trusting Him... and then my actions help speak strength into my spirit. But I don't feel it until afterwards. While I am refusing to engage with P, I am dizzy and afraid of feeling humiliated. No contact means that I protect myself and remain detached.
No contact means
No contact
No matter what.

I usually feel awkward doing it, and sometimes foolish. I sometimes am tempted so much to respond, but then he "wins". Because a response is what he wants, so that he can try to plant another hook, or use an old one that still stings. The sooner I can withdraw from the situation, the sooner I am away from his toxicity, the sooner I am back in my own space, the sooner I feel good again. And it becomes easier each time.

My situation is easier to deal with than many others. I would be interested in hearing how people in different situations and incidents are handling the "No Contact" decision.

-Leti

Thank you so much, Leti, for your "No Contact" post. It is what I needed to read. I woke up today in pain, as I had a dream about something the P. said to me a couple days ago about a new target situation he is toying with. In my dream I felt the pain at a very deep level. I was able to let the situation blow over at the time he told me about the new toy, not respond and not think much about it. But I now know that he still has the power to "plant that hook, that will sting one more time". He will probably always have that power. Betrayal is not something I deal with very well at all. I hope to forgive someday, but I will never ever forget.

"No Contact" is something I practice out of neccessity, but I can't do it to the level you have. Maybe I just have to go through all the pain before I can completely let go of any hope that he is not a P.

I remember when I was doing the silent treatment to the P. I felt so bad. It made me feel like I was the problem because I was doing something that is known to be an unhealthy action in a "healthy" relationship. Little did I know my response was "healthy" for me in response to a P. situation.

Another problem I had with leaving the P. situation was that I have a history of running from problems, of building walls, trying to protect myself from being hurt. So after the so wonderful "hook phase" and when he blew me off, I hung around, I wouldn't leave because I wanted to make this one work, I didn't want to run away. I thought wow it was so wonderful, maybe it is me, maybe I need to stay and make it work. I saw it as a failure on my part to run. Does this make since? I know that nothing I do say or think is going to take me back to that space that I miss so much. The P. won't let it happen and then blames me that things are the way they are.

Alot of the "No Contact" ideas you practice I also do. I will share on them later after I get in a better frame of mind.

betterway

Leti,

I admire your commitment, your perseverance and your strength. You obviously have a strong sense of self and that is wonderful.

I live in a large city so I have not run into my P. I would
like to think that I am prepared...but that would require a
constant state of being on guard. So, all I can do is hope
that when and if that happens I will have your fortitude.

Sorry to digress on your thread, but I can't help but thinking back to a movie that was made in the 1970's... The Stepford Wives. It was not a great film
but it scared me at the time. The plot centers on a couple from New York City that move to the village of Stepford. The
man joins the local Stepford Men's Club and everything seems to be going along nicely. Soon, however, his wife (played by Katharine Ross) starts to think that something "isn't quite right." Essentially, what she figures out is that all of the wives are being turned into robots. What stuck in my head from this film, however, was that these robotic wives were
capable of saying all of the right things...but without emotion. That, and the fact that they could never get their eyes to be realistic.... to show any emotion. They were totally blank.... just like a P.

Rick

NO contact is absolutely no contact. But I have come to the conclusion with some readings and some talks with some psychologist friends, that silence and independence often triggers the P to come back. In this case, I would say that shouldn't look for the P but if one is confronted with the P ; or if one crosses the P; or if the P approaches us again, one should probably react and respond politely the same blank way that Ps do, suffocating all emotions. I remember the P was triggered by the behavior of one his past victim who used to avoid him completely, for him that was a sign of weakness and anybody weak for him is a target and it therefore stirred up the fire. So one reply and then, internally, one runs. Not easy, I hope I'll master that one day.