Hello Tadams

You have a way to go yet before you can stop trying to work out what went wrong in this abusive relationship but you are making a good start.
Your ex was probably only ever 'nice' to other people for his own reasons, to upset you, put on a false exterior to promote himself, gain something or even that he knew he couldn't make victims of some people. Men like him have to use a lot of charm to worm their way into peoples lives and affections which takes time.

As you probably found out, there is no point asking why he did these things, an honest answer is not on offer and more likely just because he could.
Have you asked yourself why you were the one to apologise? He was the one causing the abuse.

You have no need to prove yourself to anyone let alone him. You are who you are and if he couldn't accept that then that's his problem. In a good relationship partners value and respect the person they are with and do not want them to change. People like him pick on someone they can manipulate, anybody strong is too much of a challenge and they will lose the battle. You sound like a gentle caring person and maybe a little naive and the one in the relationship that puts in all the effort, in other words a suitable victim. He needed to be king of his domain and you gave him the opportunity by not rebelling. People like him are cruel because it's all they have got to use as a weapon to keep you confused and in your place.

I shouldn't assume that he was nice to his last girlfriend, no-one knows what really goes on in other relationships. She may have had her own reasons for staying with him for so long or she may have tried to put things right like you tried to do rather than give up and feel the collapse of the relationship was her fault.

You will get him out of your head when you see him for what he really is and see that he has the personality problem not you. He had a choice to treat you with respect or badly so I hope you can step back and see you are worth better than the crumbs he threw you. You will get your dignity back when you can see the facts and stop taking the blame. The only thing you did was try too hard and I hope if you do meet someone else they will cherish you for who you are.

Try to fill your life with things you like and people you want to be with because they care about you.

I wish you well and will follow your journey to get back to the person you have ignored for too long.

Regards
Jan

dear jan.
everybody i know tells me i am strong my family,friends but i know i'm not i realise he has manipulated me in many ways even to the point where i sold my house to move nearer him.i am the fool.i don't feel safe all i do is cry i've made so many mistakes and he walks round without a care in the world he seems to have sucked thelife out of me.i'm trying to make new friends i just can't enjoy myself anymore.i apologised to him because he made me think it was my fault.he made me say sorry over and over again,and then told me it wasn't good enough.He used to watch porn on the computer in front of me but he was hardly interested in sex with me.he made me feel that i was digusting he used to bite me and when he saw the bruises he wouldn't bat an eyelid i always thought i would never be with someone like that i don't understand why i feel this way.i know he was nicer to his ex he gave her money and was always buying her things and he took great delight in telling me like i was nothing and i know its no use feeling like this i can't seem to shift this mood.thanks tadams.

i meant too add that i have only gone 2 weeks without any contact he goes in the same place to drink he has been trying to turn people against and i have been trying to fight my corner.He stopped me going to manchester for my friends blessing by telling the person involved if she goes i will not go and nor with several others.The people i know finally realised they had been manipulated and they apologised to me but never told him he was wrong and i missed going.He has harassed me in the pub many times he tells people he thinks i'm going out with that i'm evil etc.Last time which was 2 months go he tells me he loves me then proceeds to put his hands around my throat.His friends witnessed it and walked away and their still his friend cos he gave the excuse he was drunk.The lst thing he told me 2 weeks go and i didn't want to speak to him ut he always manages to get his way.I've stopped drinking and talking to you thats wht you wanted to be left alone like im supposed to be grateful and i politely told him can you stop spreading lies and he told me he has no control of what people think of me.I now realise have to give him what he wants to stop going in there.Like others on here i have written to him trying to get him to understand how he made me feel but he never will see it its a game to him he just said if i made you feel so bad why did you see me and that i will never have an answer too.So i can see why no contact is the way forward cos to be honest i can't take anymore ut is so fustrating that he is carrying on like hes done nothing wrong.Tadams.

Hello Tadams.

I think you need to go for the total no contact situation. Going to the same place to have a drink is not a good idea. If anyone has turned against you then they are not worth knowing, you need to be with people who care about you.
Don't give him any opportunity to know what you are doing or who you speak to you.

You need to put a lot of space between you and disappear off his radar. He doesn't love you and never has, I doubt he will love anyone but himself. He will never change and why would you want to waste another second on this person? The realtionship you had was abusive and cruel and would never have a happy outcome.

NEVER ask him to try and undesrstand how you feel, he can't and won't and he will enjoy being asked as it will keep him in control and having your attention. I hope you keep so far away from him that you never have the opportunity to speak to him again.

I don't mean to sound as though I'm telling you what to do but I think you realise that you need someone to support the decision you have already come to.

I can't urge you strongly enough to keep right away from him and try and fill your mind and time with other things and people. It's an opportunity to get rid of people from your life if they support him as they will pass on information about you to him. Stick with people you can trust and even consider making a whole new life/fresh start.

You are master of your own destiny. I'm sure in time you will see things much more clearly and become the strong person you can be. It's early days yet and there must be a few issues you haven't accepted...like the wanting to ask him why or even thinking he did love you at some point. I hope you are way past thinking that if he comes back full of apologies you think he has seen sense and changed!!!!! If you have any illusion about that forget it now.(That's what I would say if you were my sister)

I hope your next post is a little more positive and you are feeling more in control. You can do it and everyone here on the forum will be cheering you on.

Regards
Jan

thanks again jan,
there is no going back the funny thing is i knew that he never had any feelings for me.I know this seems stupid but if i knew he did this to other women i would find it easier to deal with i would know for sure it wasn't me,a little selfish i guess.You are so right about people passing information to him knowing when im out and who with that is the only way its just a shame as i thought the people i know in there knew me for me but i guess he fools them like he did me.I wish they knew what he really thinks of them,he thinks they are a bunch of losers and they only feed his need to feel superior.I just feel some part of me is missing and i so desperately need it back i know i am a survivor and have gone through tough times ie my mother who never cared about me was too wrapped up in trying to change her parents.So i do know what is like to watch someone waste their life trying to change something you can't.I don't want that for me,but there is such a pull in trying to fix someone you really have to fight against it.I have no contact with my mum and she never asks about me she made a couple of feeble attempts of saying sorry she doesn't even know what for.That was something my ex would also say to me 'me and my mum have a great relationship you can't even do that'.I have heard the way he has spoken to his mum and its not very pleasant but she doesn't seem to mind she is in her 70's and he calls her late at night so she can pick him up from the pub sometimes she offers he could walk it he only lives 10 mins away.I just know i wish i didn't feel the way i do i wish that time could fast forward to where i do.Thanks tadams.

Hello Tadams

I'm pleased that you say there is no going back, that would destroy you totally as you are feeling very vulnerable now. I don't believe a man like your ex would treat any woman any differently to how he treated you....it's the way he is and it's NOT your fault. He may have treated you worse than others because it took you a while to work out what was going on and may have inadvertantly allowed him to get away with things no other person would tolerate. I have a saying "only a mother could love it" and that seems to apply to your ex, he treats his own elderely mother appallingly so you are not the only one.

So much for a great relationship with his mother! Great for him!

Don't even think about changing this man, even professionals can't help cure a personality disorder. It's his choice to be like that so keep well away and look after yourself. Don't even give a thought about what he thinks of other people, that's a problem for them-if they want it to be a problem. If they are unaware it's not going to bother them anyway.

Have you got a close friend or relative that you can spend some time with and talk this through? Someone who knows you well and can give you the confidence to believe in yourself? I get the feeling you are spending so much time with your own thoughts trying to work things out and put things right that it's stopping you seeing the true picture. It's very sad that you haven't got a relationship with your mother so can't confide in her.

You are stronger than you feel, you are actively trying to move forward and you will get there, I think you have come some distance already.
Have you researched personilty disorders? That might give you the information you need to show you that this man should be left entirely on his own and confirm what you think about him? You will see that you have been taken in by a person that doesn't deserve you.

I really hope we can see you get back your confidence soon. That empty feeling must be draining. If you need any help looking for information please let me know and I'll give you some links but there is a very good research section on thr forum.

Regards
Jan

hi,
i have kept out of his way and i have a new car and a great new job and i wanted to share the good news with my friends i hadnt seen for weeks.Unfortunenately he was out but i was silly enough to tell him about my success which he tells me hes happy for me (its all false).then he talks to me like we are still together calls me the name he used to call me when we were together the silly little things we do together why does he torment me.Then he tells me his just trying to be nice he has got another woman so why does he do this thats what gets me.Mind you he was sleeping with me when he was seeing her but that was my fault because i liked him.i wish i had not had gone in there all i can think about is how he is probably so nice to her and cannot be to me ever even now there is no contact.i was doing so well and i have let him upset me again i just want to feel nothing for him.I can see i have to lose all these friends that i have known for years and i am so angry at him for doing this to me as he tells me its his manor well it is now i dont want to have to shed another tear over him.thanks tadams

Hello tadams

Congratulations on your new job and new car, well done.

I'm sorry you had a relapse and I'm sure the reaction you got will confirm that no contact is the only way for you to get on with your life. It would be better if you can believe that this man will never treat any woman with respect or affection. You said yourself he is false and a liar. He probably knows that is your weak spot so makes out he treats everyone else better than you.

Don't be angry that is not good for you and won't achieve anything positive. Any reaction he provokes in you means you still can't let go of him, you need to work towards having no feelings at all for him. The day you realise you couldn't care less about him will be the goal to aim for. It's not unusual to want to put your point across to someone but only if that person is receptive and cares about your feelings. This man just uses your feelings to put him in a position of control over you.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself, use the experience as a lesson and keep it in mind if you ever feel tempted to have contact with him again.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jan
i been kept busy with my job training away from home new experiences,new people etc.If my ex gave me one thing he made me see that i needed to look at my own life instead of hiding from things i did not want to face up to.Anyway bumped into him on friday night and basically he was all over me he actually said 5 or 6 times that he loves me ha thats a new one for me i did kiss him and it was horrible he never liked kissing me when we were together.I am really glad ths happened because one of the things that bugged me was he couldn't be nice to me and he was nice to everyone else.BUT he isn't being nice to his new girlfriend she was ringing him up cos she was waiting for him she knew he was with me.
But she thinks i am after him how wrong she is oh he will get away with it he will tell her he was drunk.But i am so glad i have seen he can't be nice to anyone and iam so glad i am not her if he was seeing me and telling another woman he loved them i would have been devastated.Its made moving on so much easier i do feel sorry for this girlfriend and its makes me realise that i could of been her and i am so happy i'm not i guess that makes me a little selfish but she is so welcome to him Tadams.