Hello everyone,

I am new to the forum and new to the knowledge that the significant other I have shared the last 19 years with, is possibly a Psychopath. I have posted a brief run down of my story over in 'Raising Public Awareness' under the post 'Psychopaths and their victims'. I say possibly because he hasn't been diagnosed as one (if diagnosed is the right word), but from what I have read of Dr Hare's work, he fits the bill with the exception that he has not committed murder (to my knowledge).

The last few weeks for me have been terrible. The realisation of what he is, of accepting that he really has done all the awful things I thought he had, but he wouldn't let me believe (how did he manage to pull the wool over my eyes for so long?). The realisation he was and is duping everyone in his path (as he has done for the whole of his life), and now I am finally able to see a chink of daylight in the form of FUTURE.

I have started to embrace that I DO have a future, that it is there waiting for me to grasp it with both hands. I will not let go of the knowledge that I don't have to just exist any more. That I can and will LIVE my life to the full. The Psychopath had five other victims in the form of his (and my) biological children. My family and I have started looking into the help they need to overcome the abuse they have suffered at his hands (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional) and I feel confident (this changes daily at the moment) that I, with the help of my family, therapy, and good friends, can pull them through it. I believe that I too will recover from the abuse I suffered at his hands.

And I am finally accepting that I am not a monster. He told me so many times that I was that I really believed it. I have moments where I still do believe that I might have been, but then I think of how much I love and want to protect my children, and I can see that it's him, and not me, that is the monster.

Alison.

Hello Alison

I read your experiences on the other posting and really feel for you and your children. You have all been through just so much - and for so long. Because of my experiences I can relate to several things you have described that occurred and I don't quite have the words to describe the chill that these things evoke in me. I am just so very sorry that you and your dear children have had to know these things...He may not have murdered, but he has certainly taken lives! But as you said, not forever. You are very strong and, thankfully have support, and already have accomplished much. First, you have prevailed. Not only that, you have already removed him from your house. As I was reading your post it did cross my mind 'how is she going to get him out of her space?'. Then you wrote you have already done this. It was a real relief to hear this, for all your sakes.
I too am new to the knowledge and to this forum, but have found here incredible support from others who truly understand and care. I just want to wish you and your children well for the journey ahead.

Best wishes,
Sapphira

Sapphira, thank you. We are all much happier now. It's early days I know, but the improvement within the dynamics of our family has been huge. What has also been interesting is the number of 'upset' times have reduced so much that we can pin point times when someone was upset...rather than a whole umbrella of sadness. It's things like this that help me look forward to the future, and be glad we are not suffering at his hands (to the same degree) any more.

Thanks again,
Alison.

Hi alisonbelinda


I too am new. It's been two years now that my children and I have been in "no contact" mode from their mother and my ex-partner. Here is something that I just wrote (in fact tonight) asking a Dr. who deals with us and tries to help us heal and learn to understand why these people do the things they do..

My Children and I have been in “no contact” from their mother and my ex for two years. Our lives are returning to some sense of normalize after 17 years of dysfunctional tumor. Both of my children (both teenagers) want nothing to do with her and I fear the day she might try to find us. What I have achieve after she left both the children and myself is as follows:

I have my self-assurance back
I had to take anti-depression and am now
off of them.
I no longer feel like I live under a black cloud.
I use to drink a lot when I was in the relationship,
I now only drink in moderation.
I like who I am, before I didn’t know who I was.
Of course every family has it share of disagreements,
But now it’s staged for empathy, understanding,
acceptations and always with the ideal to solve
Our problems as a family. No one rules here with
a iron hand, we live as a democratic society, and each
person has a vote.
I feel that my children are much happier now
I know that I am.

I don’t want to lose this because of the person in question, who I know will try “again” to get back into my children’s life. They have written, talk with her on the phone more then twice, and tried to explain to her, how they “don’t want her back”. They don’t return any reply when she mailed (received last year by a forwarding old address) them birthday cards. But this person refuses to take no for an answer. What can I do to insure our safety and peace of mind? She doesn’t know our homes phone number or were we live, which is what both my children and I want. We are still in hiding from her, which is what both my children, and I want! Will this person ever give up and just accept our decision as inevitable. Do people with personality disorders ever just give up? And leave those people along who, just want to be left along? The price for this decision is “high”, very high indeed, but it’s 100 percent better then what she put us thru! God, knows thats the truth!

I know for a fact that life will get better for you as it has for my children and I..

Hello Sag

It's good to hear that you have no contact with your ex and you and the children are finding a happy family life.

Maybe your worries about being found by your ex are because you are afraid of the old life returning rather than it will really happen.
Can you send any letters she sends back to her with "return to sender, no-one of that name at this address."? or something similar to let her know you are not receiving anything she sends.
Why do the children speak to her on the phone or write to her as that only prolongs the sitution gives her some sort of control and involvement. I would say no contact should mean no contact whatsoever.

She can only come back into your lives if you let her and as you are such a tight knit family she wouldn't find it easy as people like her need to take individuals to work on, there is no way she would tackle you as a group.

As for her giving up trying, she may well do that if she gets her letters back unopened but I know how tencious people like this can be when they want something.

I hope you keep moving on like you are.

Regards
Jan

Hello Jan,

"Maybe your worries about being found by your ex are because you are afraid of the old life returning rather than it will really happen."


I for one, will never “allow” the old way of life to return. It’s really my children (both teenagers) that might be more at risk from her manipulation. I believe for sure that my oldest (17 years of age) will never allow her into his life, in fact after she left, He was the only one happy about it! It been very hard for him to open up to me after so many years of abuse from her. This is of course my fault, being blind for so many years to her manipulated way. I know that he love me, just doesn’t always like me. No one said that being a parent is easy and then being a single parent can make our job harder, Because of my love for him I will keep being the best parent that I can for him even with own short coming.. If we really love someone, we will try very hard to make and or assist them in making the right decision for their life. But my 13 year old is a good person with a kind and loving heart. Just right for the picking. He too, wants nothing to do with her at this time but fear he “might” sometime in the future give her another chance. So I guess its him I worry about the most. I know we can’t make all the decisions for our children on their road to autonomy, in fact what I try to do is teach them all that I have learned about people who have personality disorder and how to recognize the traits.

"Can you send any letters she sends back to her with "return to sender, no-one of that name at this address."? or something similar to let her know you are not receiving anything she sends."


This of course will be done, but is not necessary due to the fact she doesn’t know were we live at least at the present time. As for trying to communicate this to her is fruitless. They have try again and again in every mean possible with no luck. Strange thing about this is that she only tries to mail them something on their birthday, both born in July, Can you guess what month she was born in?


"Why do the children speak to her on the phone or write to her as that only prolongs the sitution gives her some sort of control and involvement. I would say no contact should mean no contact whatsoever."

Sorry guess I should have explained, The children tried to call with her on the phone in the beginning after she left (May 22,2006) but I guess it was too painful and they just refused after a couple of time. I didn't "force" them to, believing that because of their ages, they should have that right too. God only know that I myself hated to talk with her.


"As for her giving up trying, she may well do that if she gets her letters back unopened but I know how tencious people like this can be when they want something."

Yes Jan, that is what I was hoping as well, that maybe she will get the message when her letters/cards are returned unopen. I guess what bugs me the most is that if someone told me to "back down" I would! In fact Jan, I did!



7/29/06, [Telephone conversation] (Her) "I don't have to talk with you (me) any more"! (reply me)"Sorry, did you say that you don't want to talk with me anymore?" (Her) "yes". (reply me) "OK, that's alright, I can live with that. Goodbye then". (Her) no reply... I hung up the phone and that was the last time I spoke with her... True story....

She told me to go away and I WENT away....
She gave me a way out and I TOOK it....
She close that door and I ALLOW it...

I never regretted that decision...

Sag

Sag, thank you for your words. I can see that while you still fear contact from this Psychopath, you are getting stronger as time goes on. I take great hope from this!

It is so good to hear from people who are surviving the problems Psychopath's have inflicted upon them.

Thank you,
Alison

Here's a strange thing! I am typing the letter 'pee' in and it's showing up as 'psychopath' when I click 'submit'. How odd!

Hello Sag,

I can relate to these concerns that you have and would like to share a little of my life regarding this matter of letters.

The long term Psychopath in my life was my mother. I left home at 18 and she made my life a misery because I wasn't in touch with her. She had ministers, psychologists even the police turn up because she was "so concerned about me". When my house was raided because of things she alledged, I moved away to an unknown address. Yet despite all my efforts to keep my whereabouts unknown she still tracked me down, through a man who was so scared of her, felt she "was capable of doing anything" that he revealed where I was.

So again she was at me but living at the other end of the country from her I knew she wasn't likely to arrive very often. Though I knew it was likely the day would come. And it eventually did. I didn't invite her into the house and she got some of the message. However, after that, instead of turning up she sent letters. Lots of them, 3, 4 or 5 letters every week, and this went on for almost 4 years. I was being flooded by her, even though she wasn't there and it was very stressful mentally. This wasn't about her "concern" for me; it was plain harrassment and her letters had become increasingly abusive.

So I contacted lawyers and was told that it was no simple matter to prevent her from contacting me because we had "lived under the same roof" in the past. The lawyers, on the whole, saw it very simply and just told me not to open them. Her behaviour was a continuation of a very painful history of abuse and I needed some boundaries or I would go insane, but how to do this when she wouldn't respect my rights? They didn't appreciate my distress was more about being unable to stop getting them, than what they actually said.

Obviously I never responded to the mail, but I felt so helpless about what to do. Not only only the days I got a letter, but all the time. I needed to create some space around me and by then I had a small child who I was sure I didn;t want around her. But I couldn't get her to change her behaviour and any efforts I made to do so would be giving her what she wanted - contact with me. I thought about sending them back unopened, and if they had only come occassionally, I may well have, but because there were just so many... The bottom line was I didn't want to engage myself with her at all, and it seemed that even sending one back was breaking this "rule" I had given myself. She'd be getting what she wanted and there was no guarantee it would actually change anything. It drove me nuts!!

Then I realised that even if she stopped sending the letters I'd live constantly wondering when they would start again - I'd be a prisoner. I had to find a way of taking charge that didn't involve any contact with her, or any expectation she would change, otherwise, even from a distance, she would drive me insane.

So in the end I got a box and determined not to open one of her letters again. Ok, I couldn't stop her sending the letters, but I could control what I did with them. In the beginning it felt like a very meagre stand, a small step, but I soon began to feel quite releived and eventually look back pleased and empowered. As my son grew older I made sure I checked the mail and removed her letters, leaving him the joy of collecting the mail "safely". And this is what I did. I always allowed myself the option of at some later date, sending them all back if I wanted, but I never did. I also told myself that at least keeping them they might come in handy if we ever did end up in court and I could prove my unwillingness to engage with her by showing they remained unopened.

As time passed in this way I got stronger. For about three years all was ok, until I received an email from her, which totally spooked me and I felt like I was starting all over again. But really I wasn't. I thought hard and I was stronger then and curiously enough, it provided me the opportunity to finally convince her, and those around her, that I really was to be left alone. I have not heard from her since... And it's fantastic!

You know, I never sent the letters back. I didn't need to. At one point, because there were just so many, I finally opened a few, carefully, only one in each day. And they were terrible. So I burned a large part of them. The remainder I have in a long-unopened drawer.

What I realised, looking back, and your post reminded me, is that they were small steps that I took, and that the initial period without contact may be the best opportunity to draw internal lines. And it's really the internal lines that count because these are where our real power lies - within ourselves. If she comes back then you will be your strongest and prepared. But in the meantime you can have some peace and freedom in your new world without her.

I wish you the best.

Sapphira

Sapphira, you have such amazing strength.

I am facing the 'letter-box-hell' thing at the moment. My solicitor is writing to his to get him to stop writing letters to me. My solicitor's stand on it is that it's harrassment (which it is) and that it alone is grounds for divorce. Obviously you are talking your mother, so it isn't the same, but it was still harrassment, and it's a sad thing you have had to endure that, on top of everything else, in your life.

I love how you dealt with the letters sent to you. I am still sending them onto the solicitor, but if it does carry on (I am hoping it doesn't) I will do the same as you and find a safe drawer/box to put them in.

Alison

Strange but as I read this thread, I keep thinking about the movie “Fatal Attractions” when the Psychopath women told her ex-lover.. “I Won’t be ignored!”. Also how any means of communication; phone, letters, emails and now cell phones will be used as a weapon by a Psychopath to manipulate, control and or a type of harassment by them. I see this over and over again when ever I talk with people trying hard to “just be left in peace” from their parents, child(s), ex-husband, well the list go on...

Thanks Sapphira for your thread. This is what worries me the most, not for myself. But for my children’s future concerning their mother. Please allow me to tell you something that my ex psychopath once asks Me..

Years ago, one day returning home from work when I just walked thru the door and (she) then out of nowhere asked me this question; “Sag, why do people keep taking my children from me?” [History: sorry I forgot to tell the members that she had lost custody of two other children from a previous marriage, who also want nothing to do with her as of the present date. Yes dear readers she had done all this before and I didn‘t see this coming??? Love is indeed blind] Well her question was just out of the blue and I could see that it trouble her. Well, I just told her I didn’t know? I mean to say that she didn’t have a clue (well, neither did I at the time) as to why she kept losing her children and why they wanted nothing to do with her. Now I do...