Hello Teri

That is such good news. I really hope nothing causes this plan to fail, that there are no clues to alert your brother. He could very well be expecting something to happen and be ypervigilant. Will you arrange for a police presence during her leave?
It would confirm everyones concern for her and the childrens safety. IF he ever takes her to court for access to the children this could be useful information to keep on record.

Your mother sounds incredibly selfish, putting her own guilty conscience before the safety of her grandchildren. Threatened suicide is such as obvious blackmail tool that your brother us using but she may be using that as en excuse to keep them around her.
I can see it's pointless trying to get your mother to see reality let her find out for herself.

One thing that does concern me is your nephew acting out....I sincerely hope he is just copying what he has seen and I don't mean to alarm you but psychopathy is highly heritable. I think this little boy needs to be watched closely and given as much help as possible keeping his behaviour in mind.
This might seem a harsh thing to bring up when you have so much more to worry about at the moment. It's not a curable condition and if this little one has the potential to have a personality problem the best course of action is firstly to be aware and then to keep total control and constant input to modify any unacceptable behaviour. The signs are there from being a toddler but it's so easy to dismiss a lot of the warning signs as all children do certain things but eventually grow out of it.
You may see some similarities when your brother was a small child so you will be the right person to make the connections...if there are any. I hope this little one will become a happier child when he is away from his father.

I look forward to hearing more good news.

Regards
Jan

The good news is the girlfriend and the kids are out, safely and without confrontation. They left this morning at 1100 am, right after brother went to work. She is now staying at a friend's house until tomorrow where she will transfer to the domestic violence shelter 200 miles away. She will stay there for 2 weeks until her uncle's house can be prepped for her and the kids. I have debated whether or not to bring them here...I want to...but I think being in the middle continuously will be difficult for everyone involved.

The bad news is that my brother has called me a total of 20+ times and txt me so many times that I can't count that high. He wants to talk and, thus far, there is no indication whether or not he suspects me and my friend of getting the girlfriend out. Am sure there is going to be hell to pay when he puts 2 and 2 together. Things will definately get interesting the next few weeks and I am seriously thinking about getting my phone number changed.

It's ironic...he hates my guts but, when he needs advice or help, he calls me. He does not associate how his treatment of me and my kids has influenced my decision to NOT help him now. He isn't capable of making that correlation. Talk about the strange thinking inside the head of a psychopath!

Hello Teri

Such good news! You must feel a great sense of relief although there is still a way to to go yet. Now the girlfriend will have space to start to get herself together again and help the children get over their ordeal with your brother.

It may be better if she spends time on her own with her family rather than move in with you for many reasons. There is plenty of time to make that decision when you get the full impact of your brothwer's venom and know how secure the arrangement will be.

I would have no hestitation changing the phone number, you have nothing to lose by doing so and will gain peace of mind.
People like your brother need an 'audience' and there is no need to provide one by being available to massage his ego.

I await more good news from you.

Regards
Jan

Update:

The girlfriend and the kids are now in a cabin and doing very well. H has had a few rough days where she started to doubt herself and her decision but family has managed to help support her through this. Everyone is safe and adjusting.

My brother and family continuously blame her. It's all her fault, she's cheating on him; she's lied to him; she's abandoned him when he needed her the most; yada yada yada. It makes me sick. My parents are sooo firm in their convictions that she's had help too. They told me it was too well organized. She didn't forget a thing. She even took all the old cell phones and put the home phone in the sink w/ water to make sure the last phone number couldn't be traced (mine). They all have been on fishing expeditions trying to figure things out and I have just played dumb.

After all the hoopla, my brother text me and I told him EVERYTHING I had on my mind. I encouraged him to quit lying to himself and be honest for the first time in his life. He should admit what he's done and get himself into therapy because he's one sick puppy. I told him that her attorney will subpoena me and my daughter as material witnesses. He stated he wasn't worried about Gabby testifying because she lies or exaggerates. I told him that I believe my daughter before I believe him. She's a scary kid, very factual, analytical. He then stated that he has never hit his son in the head hard enough to knock him to the ground. That statement alone is an admission that he has hit his son in the head. I told him to quit lying. Finally, I told him that if he ever hopes to have unsupervised visitation, he better enroll into parenting and anger management classes because my recommendations would be supervised until he successfully completed a 24-wk course. He was NOT happy with me and, according to family reports, came unglued.

At this point, I think my brother has given up for now. He either realizes he can't win or he's back plotting, scheming and planning. It's been 2 weeks since anyone has heard from him and the last call to my parents indicated he was despondent and didn't want to go on.

Hello Teri

It was great to hear the good news. It must be a huge relief that the girlfriend and the children are safe. I do hope she doesn’t weaken and try to make peace with your brother at a low point in her life.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and it sounds like a good time to cut yourself off from the people who support your brother.

What does surprise me is having ANY sort of communication with your brother now. The only thing it will achieve by telling him anything is to give you an opportunity to get rid of your anger. It won’t make the slightest difference to him and will give him insight into your feelings and motives. Your brother will never change even with an anger management course. I would be very concerned if he did take such a course, fool everyone concerned then try to have contact with his children. BUT if he doesn’t know where the girlfriend and children are in hiding he will not be able to see them anyway.

No contact whatsoever is the only way forward. I would even change the phone number so he can’t send a text message either. I don’t think a two hiatus means anything, it’s not unusual to take some time out to do some planning.

I hope you feel strong enough to resist any temptation to have any more communication with him.

Regards
Jan

There is a snowball's chance in he!! that he can be "rehabed," psychopaths/Psychopaths and even pedophiles just aren't capable of it. But, unfortunately, the state he is in is going to allow visitation of some sort. With time and good behavior, he will even be allowed unsupervised, extended weekends/weeks/summers. We just don't have enough to terminate rights. So, at least with the courses, there is a slim chance he can learn to use other coping skills to manage his anger. This is what I would be after.

As for communicating with him, we are trying to find his new address and it was a way to finally tell him what I have been thinking/feeling for so very long. Via text and that I am so far away, I felt it was safer to do so.

I am certain he is planning something. He and his attorney are trying to get the girlfriend on parental kidnapping and alienation. So the longer she stays hidden, the more he has to use against her. He was pretty adamant that he would "destroy whoever is involved in this." For me, I am pretty certain he will attack financially but I have extricated myself from all financial matters except the co-signature on the car. I can't get off of that but, if he defaults, I will take the car and make the payments which is a major setback but it can be done. The other thing is a physical attack or sniper shot and there's not a darn thing I can do about that but reports indicate that all his pistols and rifles have been removed. For the most part, most of the threats have been neutralized.

As for his girlfriend, she's safe and he hasn't a clue where she is for now. Thank God for that.

Really, though, the fight has just begun.

Hi Teri, it is a good idea to write down your feelings but PLEASE do not send anything, it can be used as ammunition by him to help his case and paint you as the problem in the situation.

Di

Hello Teri

I can sense your frustration but I don’t think finding your brother or telling him what you think is a sensible thing to do. Sorry for being so up front but I am thinking about the best way to remove this person from your life because the longer you keep playing his game will only give you more problems. Whatever course he goes on will only give him more information as to how to play the game, things could get far worse if he learns how to keep certain emotions under wraps. Apologies for telling you what you probably know already with your professional training but I'm talking from a personal point of view.

The GF and children are out of his clutches, he does not have your address and your parents are happy to put up with him….if I were you I would bow out now! Even if he is granted visitation rights then he has to find them first so it’s not a big concern at the moment.
He may try to use the fact she has gone into hiding but she could throw that back at him, IF he ever finds her, as to why she had to get away.
I feel if you keep contact with him he will wear you down and you might let something slip…please tell us you will cut ALL contact.

I hope you don't mind me saying things from the heart and that you can still find the support you need here on the forum. We all want to see you putting this problem behind you and hear the the GF and children are doing OK.

Regards
Jan

For the most part, we are done communicating...short of getting a subpoena. This is fine with me as I have absolutely no desire to be involved in any of the family drama and I am so tired of having to "fix" everything for them. It's emotionally draining and distracting. So, instead we are focusing our energy on self defense and preparedness.

I don't mind any of your thoughts on this. It's why I appreciate the forum method of communicating. Honest feedback is essential especially dealing with the likes of a psychopath. Your thoughts and feelings on the issue help prevent me from going down the slippery slope and I appreciate that.

Hello Teri

I'm so pleased you didn't mind me saying what I thought.
I was concerned that you would give your brother some information that would help him track you down and as you are moving on so well that would not be good. Good on you that you are so positive and can accept that you can't change these people and it's time to concentrate on yourself and your own family.

I hope the only news we get from you from now on is good news. I hope the girlfriend can be as positive as you and neither of you have a moment of weakness. Let us know how you get on and please post here if you do feel you need to communicate with your brother and we will support you through it before you slip.

Regards
Jan