The first time I knew something was NOT quite right was when I was 12 and my 6-yr old brother killed my cat with a brick. The next time was when he used my father's gun powder to blow things up and set fires. It all came together for me when he would urinate on anything he decided was his.

Many years later, I am at my witt's end.

My brother is 29 and, until about 2 year ago, I had considered him a friend...that's because I was too far away and did not get to see the "real" him, only the superficial, charming side. About 2 years go, his girlfriend took off with their son. He wanted to destroy her and would lie, cheat or steal to accomplish this...even to the point of trying to solicite my services to gain him custody of his son. Based on the smattering of what I had seen, he had some "legitimate" concerns over her capacity. Custody was being negotiated and a parenting plan was agreed upon. However, the requirements of the plan necessitated him having a better vehicle to travel. He managed to convince me to cosign on a new car for him promising to make every payment on time. After all that hassle, he convinced her to return home with numerous promises to change.

They were having financial difficulty because of all the parenting travel so we rented a larger place together and shared the expenses. He promised to take care of his cable (which was under my name because he defaulted on his own bill). He promised to take care of the gas (under my name because he defaulted on his own bill). He promised to.....well, you get the idea. Over the course of the next year, he was late on his car payment every month. He never paid the gas. The cable had been disconnected and reconnected so many times, I lost count. He failed to pay on the family share cell phone bill. I got stuck paying for everything but their half of the rent which was paid by the girlfriend. He has destroyed my credit. When confronted with this, he said, "SO??? I don't care and you can't make me feel guilty about it, either."

He became addicted to the WoW internet game. Lost his job. I confronted him on his addiction and he about took my head off with a punch that my own children witnessed. He was NOT addicted. He was perfect. He ridiculed my church attendance indicating HE was GOD. He wanted his son to be just like him, perfect. He was the perfect father (he actually neglected his son and called his daughter, in utero, a B****). He threatened and intimidated his girlfriend so she was afraid to leave because of violent outbursts. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my nephew went downstairs to help make a bottle for his baby sister. My brother caught him (after making a mess) and proceeded to slam him to the floor just as my 10-year old daughter came down the stairs. She grabbed my nephew and my son and shoved them upstairs, running as fast as they could, terrified.

The living situation became so unbearable, I actively sought out jobs in Alaska, Maine, or as far away as I could get and stay on the North American Continent. I finally found one in Colorado and made plans to move ASAP. His girlfriend was terrified to remain and also made plans to go with her family. My mother called her and pumped her for information. She tried to convince the girlfriend to stay with them where they could "protect her." She declined the offer and my mother threatened to tell my brother. I called my mother and told her that if she told brother about the plans, she was placing all the kids, myself and the girlfriend in mortal danger. She told anyway because my brother had threatened to kill himself. She told me, "couldn't choose between my son's life and my grandkids." I replied that was "her choice and I would no longer enable her behavior."

We left and never went back and we have not communicated but I stay in contact with the girlfriend and we are preparing an extraction to a safe house in the near future. She plans to take the kids and go as far as she can to get away and seek full custody. I and my kids have told the attorney that we will testify against my brother about the abuse he dishes out. My daughter has learned the hard way that the cost can be great to stand up for something in which you believe in.

I have obtained a concealed carry permit because, after she leaves and I testify, my brother will be coming for me.

The girlfriend called me today and informed me of the lies my brother has told my parents about ME sticking HIM with the bills, defaulted on the rent, etc. They believe him and I am now the "family traitor." They have invited him to move back in with them to catch up on his bills. They bought him a cell phone to stay in touch. It all makes me want to vomit.

I have yet to even talk to my family. The price of having a psychopath in your life can be high.

Hello Teri,
Indeed the price is high!!!!
As far as I can see you are doing the right thing!!! Cut all contact and take care of yourself is the only way to survive those psychopaths. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that when your family took him in they didn't understand, but how long will it take him to show them the real side of things that happend.??!!! So , it can be a good thing after all that he is living with them now!
You are a very brave women and so is the girlfriend. How are all the children doing so far?
Regards Segaya

Thank you, Segaya, for the validation. It's comforting and reassuring. I sometimes second guess my choices, even this one. I hope that I and my daughter can remain confident as the custody battle ensues.

My niece and nephew are ok, thus far. My nephew is copying behaviors exhibited by my brother. He will throw everything, saying he is "pissy." He is defiant and acting out. But, he is only 2 1/2 so there is still hope providing he is removed from this environment quickly. If not, am sure there will be problems down the road. The girlfriend called and said that my nephew left the bed last night and brother caught him, slapping him in the head repeatedly.

She is afraid to leave the daughter alone with him. Brother feels she isn't his because girls are a lower life form. She is only 5 months old, fussy...so I am certain he would hurt her given the opportunity.

My kids are good now. Since we have been out of there, my daughter and son are happier, have lost weight, no nightmares. My son's anxiety has dimished, somewhat. They have no desire to talk to him or their grandparents. My daughter is so angry at my parents for placing them in danger. That trust have been violated and I don't see this situation resolving any time soon.

You are right, though. He is now their problem and, God willing, they will see his true nature when he takes them to the cleaners. My father might but I don't believe my mother ever will and she runs the show. My father is afraid of her own behaviors. Brother and mother feed off each other's behaviors in a pretty pathological way. But both have enabled him thus far...and I think they are afraid of him to do otherwise. The other thing is, since I am long gone, they want their only other child to be close...so they guarantee he will be close by making him financially dependent upon them.

The most difficult thing is this behavior is CRAZY MAKING!! It's frustrating to try to understand irrational behavior in a rational way.

Hello Teri
I’m pleased you have found this forum and hope we can offer support and help you recover from your ordeal.

The fire setting, cruelty to animals and the urinating sound like the classic McDonald Triad. I’m not surprised you are feeling like you are, you have endured a heck of a lot.
I think it’s not worth trying to understand your brother’s behaviour, he is what he is and only he can change that. It will only drive you insane trying to make sense of what he does. If he is a true psychopath then he won’t even consider there is anything wrong with him and everything he does, however bad, does not give rise to any remorse whatsoever. You are doing the right thing by getting as far away as possible and I hope his girlfriend does too.

Your parents will find out soon enough what your brother is doing and they can’t say they were not warned. If they are in such deep denial then they will have a hard lesson to learn. The threat of suicide is moral blackmail and anyone who threatens it in this way is despicable. People with severe depression may feel suicidal but rarely announce their intention to the family.

It’s terrible to hear that children are caught up in this abuse, he is a dangerous man and shouldn’t be let anywhere near his or anyone else’s children. His anger might become so intense that I dread to think what he would be capable of doing.

It does sound as though he might end up in jail fairly soon if he carries on like he has in the past so hopefully the problem will be taken away from you.
Keep yourself safe and let the right people know of your concerns for your safety.
I do hope you feel less confused now you know there are other people you can ‘talk’ to who understand what you are going through.
Best regards
Jan

You are right, Jan, that he is dangerous and he doesn't acknowledge that there is any problem. He believes he is perfect. His perfect little family, perfect at his job, perfect. He has said, numerous times, that he is GOD. I always move away when he says that waiting for the lightning bolt.

I have tried to tell my parents that he is using the emotional blackmail but they do not want to see it. Fine by me since I have drawn up boundaries clearly telling them that I will no longer be a part of all this.

This website has been great. So many of the members share similar stories and similar problems/challenges that are all to often associated with psychopaths. They are emotionally draining leaving carnage in their wake.

Hello Teri

I'm pleased to hear that this forum has been helpful to you. I know it's such a relief when you can speak to people who understand without having to explain yourself. If you tell others of your experiences they find it hard to belief you are not blowing things out of all proportion. That's even worse when you have to deal with professionals who have little or no understanding of personality disorders.

You are so fortunate that you can remove yourself from the immediate problem but you must be desperately worried about the children. Your parents obviously are blissfully unaware of what they are in for but it won't be long until the beginning questioning themselves. No doubt they will do what we all do when first presented with the situations we can't rationalise...we think it's probably something we have done OR we are imagining the problem.

I do hope we get good news from you about the girlfriend and the children.

Regards
Jan

I had talked to the girlfriend and she warned me that my brother was pissed. Evidently, he is upset that he hasn't paid the electric bill since I left in February, it's about to be turned off and it's $700...and somehow it's MY fault. Same thing with the gas bill.

Then he has the gall to call me and ask if the girlfriend's been calling me to call her mother. I warned him that to cut her off from her family is a bad move, and he states that he doesn't care if she calls her mother...contradicting an earlier statement. I told him I simply don't have time to babysit him and his family any longer and that I was at the kids' spring program.

She plans to leave on the 18th...but he's starting to get more paranoid than before, more controlling. I honestly am nervous that if she takes off, he will be on my doorstep fully armed expecting to find her here.

I worry about her and the two little kids but I also worry about mine. They are home by themselves after school. Thus far, he doesn't know where I am at and I hope it stays that way.

Jan, you are right...when you tell people, they criticize you for blowing things out of proportion. That's happened with my family. Of course, he CAN'T be THAT bad!! Wrong...he can and he is.

Ya wanna know the kicker??? My profession is a counselor...I hold a MPC in counseling psychology, MS in Criminal Justice Administration and am nearly done with my MBA!!! And my family still won't believe me. Denial does indded run deep!

Here's an update:

My brother found the girlfriend talking to her mother on the phone and freaked out. He started throwing stuff and destroyed everything that was throwable. My brother also found her money stashed away for leaving on the 18th and took everything, spent it on meaningless crap. He is taking the phone to work with him so she can't talk to anyone. We don't even know if the plans for the 18th are still on.

I have a friend that is going to "stop" in and see if brother is at work or not. If he's gone, he's going to find out brother's days off/hours and make arrangements for extraction.

This situation is beyond critical now as brother is making plans to move back to our parents trying to take girlfriend/kids with him. If he gets her there, we won't be able to get her out because someone will be there to watch her constantly. She's a prisoner in her own home and about to have a 24-hr jailer.

I wish she would take a stand and call the cops for an escort out of the house but I know for a fact that is probably the scariest way to get out.

My phone rang the other day and my nephew (2.5 yrs old) called. I had a brief conversation with him. He managed to say, "I wub you" before my brother grabbed the phone and hung up on me. My heart breaks because this baby needs to get out. I wish I would have brought them with me.

Hello Teri

This situation is appalling! The girlfriend sounds as though she is so beaten down by all this that she cannot find the strength and courage to get out. Your brother has certainly destroyed her self esteem and has bullied her into submission.

Would your family really not let her out of the house? Why would they want to keep her 'prisoner' in their home. Are there any hostels for abused women and their children where she lives? These places protect the residents from being found and it could be a refuge for them until she gets some strength to make the next move.
If she doesn't call the police for protection then someone may very well have to call them and it could be because the girlfriend or the children have taken a severe physical beating. I don't know where family abuse becomes a crime and how it can be exposed. Social Services normally step in if they fear for the childrens safety...but they can only intervene if they are informed. Are any agencies involved with the girlfriend and children? What about school or nursery? Can you find any reason to get your brother arrested? You probably know more about this than anyone given your background.

How did your nephew make the phone call to you? At his age surely it can't be a fluke that he has managed to contact you, could it have been your brother calling the number and letting the child take the call? I would think your brother wants an audience when indulging in his behaviour and this may be the only way he can get your attention.

I know you are scared your brother will seek you out but there are ways of taking steps to protect yourself such as cctv cameras but hopefully he won't come looking.

I just hope the next update we have from you is some positive news as so far the situation is getting worse.

This situation is an accident waiting to happen and no-one seems to have the power to prevent it.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jan and everyone else reading,

I have made arrangements for her to go to a safe house in a town about 250 miles away. They know she and the kids will be coming. Her father and uncle are ready to go in but they are 7 hours away. We are waiting for opportunity right now. My friend agreed to get there tomorrow before my brother supposedly gets home from work. If she is by herself, he will take her, the kids and dog to his house where her family can pick her up. If he turns up when brother is there, he will use the excuse that he's there to pick up the rest of my stuff I forgot.

He has emotionally abused her into submission making her believe that she's a piece of crap, stupid, a cheater, etc. He also uses her conscience against her and makes her feel guilty for leaving him. It's the emotional blackmail. It's going to take her a long time to get her head on straight...and my nephew too. He's acting out the stuff he's seeing...throwing the kitten down stairs and smashing the puppy in the door.

Would my parents not let her leave? My parents are SO bamboozled by my brother's lies and they have seen first hand how he neglects his kids, his bills and responsibilities. But on the closing argument from my mother, she stated that she could "never choose between her grandkids safety or her son's life" because he had threatened to kill himself. My mother will not give up her "son's life" therefore she will not let the girlfriend or the kids out. My mother squealed to my brother our first attempt to get her out when I moved way. He's got mom convinced everything is ok or it's all her fault or my fault. I can't convince them otherwise and I am tired of trying.

I called her attorney today to let him know what is going on. He said she needs to get out then we can get restraining orders for everyone including me and the kids. But she needs to get out first. I volunteered to testify and so has my 10 year old daughter so I think we've got him but first we have to get her out. I imagine it looks pretty incriminating when your own sister and niece are willing to go to court on the matter.