The first time I knew something was NOT quite right was when I was 12 and my 6-yr old brother killed my cat with a brick. The next time was when he used my father's gun powder to blow things up and set fires. It all came together for me when he would urinate on anything he decided was his.

Many years later, I am at my witt's end.

My brother is 29 and, until about 2 year ago, I had considered him a friend...that's because I was too far away and did not get to see the "real" him, only the superficial, charming side. About 2 years go, his girlfriend took off with their son. He wanted to destroy her and would lie, cheat or steal to accomplish this...even to the point of trying to solicite my services to gain him custody of his son. Based on the smattering of what I had seen, he had some "legitimate" concerns over her capacity. Custody was being negotiated and a parenting plan was agreed upon. However, the requirements of the plan necessitated him having a better vehicle to travel. He managed to convince me to cosign on a new car for him promising to make every payment on time. After all that hassle, he convinced her to return home with numerous promises to change.

They were having financial difficulty because of all the parenting travel so we rented a larger place together and shared the expenses. He promised to take care of his cable (which was under my name because he defaulted on his own bill). He promised to take care of the gas (under my name because he defaulted on his own bill). He promised to.....well, you get the idea. Over the course of the next year, he was late on his car payment every month. He never paid the gas. The cable had been disconnected and reconnected so many times, I lost count. He failed to pay on the family share cell phone bill. I got stuck paying for everything but their half of the rent which was paid by the girlfriend. He has destroyed my credit. When confronted with this, he said, "SO??? I don't care and you can't make me feel guilty about it, either."

He became addicted to the WoW internet game. Lost his job. I confronted him on his addiction and he about took my head off with a punch that my own children witnessed. He was NOT addicted. He was perfect. He ridiculed my church attendance indicating HE was GOD. He wanted his son to be just like him, perfect. He was the perfect father (he actually neglected his son and called his daughter, in utero, a B****). He threatened and intimidated his girlfriend so she was afraid to leave because of violent outbursts. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my nephew went downstairs to help make a bottle for his baby sister. My brother caught him (after making a mess) and proceeded to slam him to the floor just as my 10-year old daughter came down the stairs. She grabbed my nephew and my son and shoved them upstairs, running as fast as they could, terrified.

The living situation became so unbearable, I actively sought out jobs in Alaska, Maine, or as far away as I could get and stay on the North American Continent. I finally found one in Colorado and made plans to move ASAP. His girlfriend was terrified to remain and also made plans to go with her family. My mother called her and pumped her for information. She tried to convince the girlfriend to stay with them where they could "protect her." She declined the offer and my mother threatened to tell my brother. I called my mother and told her that if she told brother about the plans, she was placing all the kids, myself and the girlfriend in mortal danger. She told anyway because my brother had threatened to kill himself. She told me, "couldn't choose between my son's life and my grandkids." I replied that was "her choice and I would no longer enable her behavior."

We left and never went back and we have not communicated but I stay in contact with the girlfriend and we are preparing an extraction to a safe house in the near future. She plans to take the kids and go as far as she can to get away and seek full custody. I and my kids have told the attorney that we will testify against my brother about the abuse he dishes out. My daughter has learned the hard way that the cost can be great to stand up for something in which you believe in.

I have obtained a concealed carry permit because, after she leaves and I testify, my brother will be coming for me.

The girlfriend called me today and informed me of the lies my brother has told my parents about ME sticking HIM with the bills, defaulted on the rent, etc. They believe him and I am now the "family traitor." They have invited him to move back in with them to catch up on his bills. They bought him a cell phone to stay in touch. It all makes me want to vomit.

I have yet to even talk to my family. The price of having a psychopath in your life can be high.

Hello Teri,
Indeed the price is high!!!!
As far as I can see you are doing the right thing!!! Cut all contact and take care of yourself is the only way to survive those psychopaths. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that when your family took him in they didn't understand, but how long will it take him to show them the real side of things that happend.??!!! So , it can be a good thing after all that he is living with them now!
You are a very brave women and so is the girlfriend. How are all the children doing so far?
Regards Segaya

Thank you, Segaya, for the validation. It's comforting and reassuring. I sometimes second guess my choices, even this one. I hope that I and my daughter can remain confident as the custody battle ensues.

My niece and nephew are ok, thus far. My nephew is copying behaviors exhibited by my brother. He will throw everything, saying he is "pissy." He is defiant and acting out. But, he is only 2 1/2 so there is still hope providing he is removed from this environment quickly. If not, am sure there will be problems down the road. The girlfriend called and said that my nephew left the bed last night and brother caught him, slapping him in the head repeatedly.

She is afraid to leave the daughter alone with him. Brother feels she isn't his because girls are a lower life form. She is only 5 months old, fussy...so I am certain he would hurt her given the opportunity.

My kids are good now. Since we have been out of there, my daughter and son are happier, have lost weight, no nightmares. My son's anxiety has dimished, somewhat. They have no desire to talk to him or their grandparents. My daughter is so angry at my parents for placing them in danger. That trust have been violated and I don't see this situation resolving any time soon.

You are right, though. He is now their problem and, God willing, they will see his true nature when he takes them to the cleaners. My father might but I don't believe my mother ever will and she runs the show. My father is afraid of her own behaviors. Brother and mother feed off each other's behaviors in a pretty pathological way. But both have enabled him thus far...and I think they are afraid of him to do otherwise. The other thing is, since I am long gone, they want their only other child to be close...so they guarantee he will be close by making him financially dependent upon them.

The most difficult thing is this behavior is CRAZY MAKING!! It's frustrating to try to understand irrational behavior in a rational way.

Hello Teri
I’m pleased you have found this forum and hope we can offer support and help you recover from your ordeal.

The fire setting, cruelty to animals and the urinating sound like the classic McDonald Triad. I’m not surprised you are feeling like you are, you have endured a heck of a lot.
I think it’s not worth trying to understand your brother’s behaviour, he is what he is and only he can change that. It will only drive you insane trying to make sense of what he does. If he is a true psychopath then he won’t even consider there is anything wrong with him and everything he does, however bad, does not give rise to any remorse whatsoever. You are doing the right thing by getting as far away as possible and I hope his girlfriend does too.

Your parents will find out soon enough what your brother is doing and they can’t say they were not warned. If they are in such deep denial then they will have a hard lesson to learn. The threat of suicide is moral blackmail and anyone who threatens it in this way is despicable. People with severe depression may feel suicidal but rarely announce their intention to the family.

It’s terrible to hear that children are caught up in this abuse, he is a dangerous man and shouldn’t be let anywhere near his or anyone else’s children. His anger might become so intense that I dread to think what he would be capable of doing.

It does sound as though he might end up in jail fairly soon if he carries on like he has in the past so hopefully the problem will be taken away from you.
Keep yourself safe and let the right people know of your concerns for your safety.
I do hope you feel less confused now you know there are other people you can ‘talk’ to who understand what you are going through.
Best regards
Jan

You are right, Jan, that he is dangerous and he doesn't acknowledge that there is any problem. He believes he is perfect. His perfect little family, perfect at his job, perfect. He has said, numerous times, that he is GOD. I always move away when he says that waiting for the lightning bolt.

I have tried to tell my parents that he is using the emotional blackmail but they do not want to see it. Fine by me since I have drawn up boundaries clearly telling them that I will no longer be a part of all this.

This website has been great. So many of the members share similar stories and similar problems/challenges that are all to often associated with psychopaths. They are emotionally draining leaving carnage in their wake.

Hello Teri

I'm pleased to hear that this forum has been helpful to you. I know it's such a relief when you can speak to people who understand without having to explain yourself. If you tell others of your experiences they find it hard to belief you are not blowing things out of all proportion. That's even worse when you have to deal with professionals who have little or no understanding of personality disorders.

You are so fortunate that you can remove yourself from the immediate problem but you must be desperately worried about the children. Your parents obviously are blissfully unaware of what they are in for but it won't be long until the beginning questioning themselves. No doubt they will do what we all do when first presented with the situations we can't rationalise...we think it's probably something we have done OR we are imagining the problem.

I do hope we get good news from you about the girlfriend and the children.

Regards
Jan

I had talked to the girlfriend and she warned me that my brother was pissed. Evidently, he is upset that he hasn't paid the electric bill since I left in February, it's about to be turned off and it's $700...and somehow it's MY fault. Same thing with the gas bill.

Then he has the gall to call me and ask if the girlfriend's been calling me to call her mother. I warned him that to cut her off from her family is a bad move, and he states that he doesn't care if she calls her mother...contradicting an earlier statement. I told him I simply don't have time to babysit him and his family any longer and that I was at the kids' spring program.

She plans to leave on the 18th...but he's starting to get more paranoid than before, more controlling. I honestly am nervous that if she takes off, he will be on my doorstep fully armed expecting to find her here.

I worry about her and the two little kids but I also worry about mine. They are home by themselves after school. Thus far, he doesn't know where I am at and I hope it stays that way.

Jan, you are right...when you tell people, they criticize you for blowing things out of proportion. That's happened with my family. Of course, he CAN'T be THAT bad!! Wrong...he can and he is.

Ya wanna know the kicker??? My profession is a counselor...I hold a MPC in counseling psychology, MS in Criminal Justice Administration and am nearly done with my MBA!!! And my family still won't believe me. Denial does indded run deep!

Here's an update:

My brother found the girlfriend talking to her mother on the phone and freaked out. He started throwing stuff and destroyed everything that was throwable. My brother also found her money stashed away for leaving on the 18th and took everything, spent it on meaningless crap. He is taking the phone to work with him so she can't talk to anyone. We don't even know if the plans for the 18th are still on.

I have a friend that is going to "stop" in and see if brother is at work or not. If he's gone, he's going to find out brother's days off/hours and make arrangements for extraction.

This situation is beyond critical now as brother is making plans to move back to our parents trying to take girlfriend/kids with him. If he gets her there, we won't be able to get her out because someone will be there to watch her constantly. She's a prisoner in her own home and about to have a 24-hr jailer.

I wish she would take a stand and call the cops for an escort out of the house but I know for a fact that is probably the scariest way to get out.

My phone rang the other day and my nephew (2.5 yrs old) called. I had a brief conversation with him. He managed to say, "I wub you" before my brother grabbed the phone and hung up on me. My heart breaks because this baby needs to get out. I wish I would have brought them with me.

Hello Teri

This situation is appalling! The girlfriend sounds as though she is so beaten down by all this that she cannot find the strength and courage to get out. Your brother has certainly destroyed her self esteem and has bullied her into submission.

Would your family really not let her out of the house? Why would they want to keep her 'prisoner' in their home. Are there any hostels for abused women and their children where she lives? These places protect the residents from being found and it could be a refuge for them until she gets some strength to make the next move.
If she doesn't call the police for protection then someone may very well have to call them and it could be because the girlfriend or the children have taken a severe physical beating. I don't know where family abuse becomes a crime and how it can be exposed. Social Services normally step in if they fear for the childrens safety...but they can only intervene if they are informed. Are any agencies involved with the girlfriend and children? What about school or nursery? Can you find any reason to get your brother arrested? You probably know more about this than anyone given your background.

How did your nephew make the phone call to you? At his age surely it can't be a fluke that he has managed to contact you, could it have been your brother calling the number and letting the child take the call? I would think your brother wants an audience when indulging in his behaviour and this may be the only way he can get your attention.

I know you are scared your brother will seek you out but there are ways of taking steps to protect yourself such as cctv cameras but hopefully he won't come looking.

I just hope the next update we have from you is some positive news as so far the situation is getting worse.

This situation is an accident waiting to happen and no-one seems to have the power to prevent it.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jan and everyone else reading,

I have made arrangements for her to go to a safe house in a town about 250 miles away. They know she and the kids will be coming. Her father and uncle are ready to go in but they are 7 hours away. We are waiting for opportunity right now. My friend agreed to get there tomorrow before my brother supposedly gets home from work. If she is by herself, he will take her, the kids and dog to his house where her family can pick her up. If he turns up when brother is there, he will use the excuse that he's there to pick up the rest of my stuff I forgot.

He has emotionally abused her into submission making her believe that she's a piece of crap, stupid, a cheater, etc. He also uses her conscience against her and makes her feel guilty for leaving him. It's the emotional blackmail. It's going to take her a long time to get her head on straight...and my nephew too. He's acting out the stuff he's seeing...throwing the kitten down stairs and smashing the puppy in the door.

Would my parents not let her leave? My parents are SO bamboozled by my brother's lies and they have seen first hand how he neglects his kids, his bills and responsibilities. But on the closing argument from my mother, she stated that she could "never choose between her grandkids safety or her son's life" because he had threatened to kill himself. My mother will not give up her "son's life" therefore she will not let the girlfriend or the kids out. My mother squealed to my brother our first attempt to get her out when I moved way. He's got mom convinced everything is ok or it's all her fault or my fault. I can't convince them otherwise and I am tired of trying.

I called her attorney today to let him know what is going on. He said she needs to get out then we can get restraining orders for everyone including me and the kids. But she needs to get out first. I volunteered to testify and so has my 10 year old daughter so I think we've got him but first we have to get her out. I imagine it looks pretty incriminating when your own sister and niece are willing to go to court on the matter.

Hello Teri

That is such good news. I really hope nothing causes this plan to fail, that there are no clues to alert your brother. He could very well be expecting something to happen and be ypervigilant. Will you arrange for a police presence during her leave?
It would confirm everyones concern for her and the childrens safety. IF he ever takes her to court for access to the children this could be useful information to keep on record.

Your mother sounds incredibly selfish, putting her own guilty conscience before the safety of her grandchildren. Threatened suicide is such as obvious blackmail tool that your brother us using but she may be using that as en excuse to keep them around her.
I can see it's pointless trying to get your mother to see reality let her find out for herself.

One thing that does concern me is your nephew acting out....I sincerely hope he is just copying what he has seen and I don't mean to alarm you but psychopathy is highly heritable. I think this little boy needs to be watched closely and given as much help as possible keeping his behaviour in mind.
This might seem a harsh thing to bring up when you have so much more to worry about at the moment. It's not a curable condition and if this little one has the potential to have a personality problem the best course of action is firstly to be aware and then to keep total control and constant input to modify any unacceptable behaviour. The signs are there from being a toddler but it's so easy to dismiss a lot of the warning signs as all children do certain things but eventually grow out of it.
You may see some similarities when your brother was a small child so you will be the right person to make the connections...if there are any. I hope this little one will become a happier child when he is away from his father.

I look forward to hearing more good news.

Regards
Jan

The good news is the girlfriend and the kids are out, safely and without confrontation. They left this morning at 1100 am, right after brother went to work. She is now staying at a friend's house until tomorrow where she will transfer to the domestic violence shelter 200 miles away. She will stay there for 2 weeks until her uncle's house can be prepped for her and the kids. I have debated whether or not to bring them here...I want to...but I think being in the middle continuously will be difficult for everyone involved.

The bad news is that my brother has called me a total of 20+ times and txt me so many times that I can't count that high. He wants to talk and, thus far, there is no indication whether or not he suspects me and my friend of getting the girlfriend out. Am sure there is going to be hell to pay when he puts 2 and 2 together. Things will definately get interesting the next few weeks and I am seriously thinking about getting my phone number changed.

It's ironic...he hates my guts but, when he needs advice or help, he calls me. He does not associate how his treatment of me and my kids has influenced my decision to NOT help him now. He isn't capable of making that correlation. Talk about the strange thinking inside the head of a psychopath!

Hello Teri

Such good news! You must feel a great sense of relief although there is still a way to to go yet. Now the girlfriend will have space to start to get herself together again and help the children get over their ordeal with your brother.

It may be better if she spends time on her own with her family rather than move in with you for many reasons. There is plenty of time to make that decision when you get the full impact of your brothwer's venom and know how secure the arrangement will be.

I would have no hestitation changing the phone number, you have nothing to lose by doing so and will gain peace of mind.
People like your brother need an 'audience' and there is no need to provide one by being available to massage his ego.

I await more good news from you.

Regards
Jan

Update:

The girlfriend and the kids are now in a cabin and doing very well. H has had a few rough days where she started to doubt herself and her decision but family has managed to help support her through this. Everyone is safe and adjusting.

My brother and family continuously blame her. It's all her fault, she's cheating on him; she's lied to him; she's abandoned him when he needed her the most; yada yada yada. It makes me sick. My parents are sooo firm in their convictions that she's had help too. They told me it was too well organized. She didn't forget a thing. She even took all the old cell phones and put the home phone in the sink w/ water to make sure the last phone number couldn't be traced (mine). They all have been on fishing expeditions trying to figure things out and I have just played dumb.

After all the hoopla, my brother text me and I told him EVERYTHING I had on my mind. I encouraged him to quit lying to himself and be honest for the first time in his life. He should admit what he's done and get himself into therapy because he's one sick puppy. I told him that her attorney will subpoena me and my daughter as material witnesses. He stated he wasn't worried about Gabby testifying because she lies or exaggerates. I told him that I believe my daughter before I believe him. She's a scary kid, very factual, analytical. He then stated that he has never hit his son in the head hard enough to knock him to the ground. That statement alone is an admission that he has hit his son in the head. I told him to quit lying. Finally, I told him that if he ever hopes to have unsupervised visitation, he better enroll into parenting and anger management classes because my recommendations would be supervised until he successfully completed a 24-wk course. He was NOT happy with me and, according to family reports, came unglued.

At this point, I think my brother has given up for now. He either realizes he can't win or he's back plotting, scheming and planning. It's been 2 weeks since anyone has heard from him and the last call to my parents indicated he was despondent and didn't want to go on.

Hello Teri

It was great to hear the good news. It must be a huge relief that the girlfriend and the children are safe. I do hope she doesn’t weaken and try to make peace with your brother at a low point in her life.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and it sounds like a good time to cut yourself off from the people who support your brother.

What does surprise me is having ANY sort of communication with your brother now. The only thing it will achieve by telling him anything is to give you an opportunity to get rid of your anger. It won’t make the slightest difference to him and will give him insight into your feelings and motives. Your brother will never change even with an anger management course. I would be very concerned if he did take such a course, fool everyone concerned then try to have contact with his children. BUT if he doesn’t know where the girlfriend and children are in hiding he will not be able to see them anyway.

No contact whatsoever is the only way forward. I would even change the phone number so he can’t send a text message either. I don’t think a two hiatus means anything, it’s not unusual to take some time out to do some planning.

I hope you feel strong enough to resist any temptation to have any more communication with him.

Regards
Jan

There is a snowball's chance in he!! that he can be "rehabed," psychopaths/Psychopaths and even pedophiles just aren't capable of it. But, unfortunately, the state he is in is going to allow visitation of some sort. With time and good behavior, he will even be allowed unsupervised, extended weekends/weeks/summers. We just don't have enough to terminate rights. So, at least with the courses, there is a slim chance he can learn to use other coping skills to manage his anger. This is what I would be after.

As for communicating with him, we are trying to find his new address and it was a way to finally tell him what I have been thinking/feeling for so very long. Via text and that I am so far away, I felt it was safer to do so.

I am certain he is planning something. He and his attorney are trying to get the girlfriend on parental kidnapping and alienation. So the longer she stays hidden, the more he has to use against her. He was pretty adamant that he would "destroy whoever is involved in this." For me, I am pretty certain he will attack financially but I have extricated myself from all financial matters except the co-signature on the car. I can't get off of that but, if he defaults, I will take the car and make the payments which is a major setback but it can be done. The other thing is a physical attack or sniper shot and there's not a darn thing I can do about that but reports indicate that all his pistols and rifles have been removed. For the most part, most of the threats have been neutralized.

As for his girlfriend, she's safe and he hasn't a clue where she is for now. Thank God for that.

Really, though, the fight has just begun.

Hi Teri, it is a good idea to write down your feelings but PLEASE do not send anything, it can be used as ammunition by him to help his case and paint you as the problem in the situation.

Di

Hello Teri

I can sense your frustration but I don’t think finding your brother or telling him what you think is a sensible thing to do. Sorry for being so up front but I am thinking about the best way to remove this person from your life because the longer you keep playing his game will only give you more problems. Whatever course he goes on will only give him more information as to how to play the game, things could get far worse if he learns how to keep certain emotions under wraps. Apologies for telling you what you probably know already with your professional training but I'm talking from a personal point of view.

The GF and children are out of his clutches, he does not have your address and your parents are happy to put up with him….if I were you I would bow out now! Even if he is granted visitation rights then he has to find them first so it’s not a big concern at the moment.
He may try to use the fact she has gone into hiding but she could throw that back at him, IF he ever finds her, as to why she had to get away.
I feel if you keep contact with him he will wear you down and you might let something slip…please tell us you will cut ALL contact.

I hope you don't mind me saying things from the heart and that you can still find the support you need here on the forum. We all want to see you putting this problem behind you and hear the the GF and children are doing OK.

Regards
Jan

For the most part, we are done communicating...short of getting a subpoena. This is fine with me as I have absolutely no desire to be involved in any of the family drama and I am so tired of having to "fix" everything for them. It's emotionally draining and distracting. So, instead we are focusing our energy on self defense and preparedness.

I don't mind any of your thoughts on this. It's why I appreciate the forum method of communicating. Honest feedback is essential especially dealing with the likes of a psychopath. Your thoughts and feelings on the issue help prevent me from going down the slippery slope and I appreciate that.

Hello Teri

I'm so pleased you didn't mind me saying what I thought.
I was concerned that you would give your brother some information that would help him track you down and as you are moving on so well that would not be good. Good on you that you are so positive and can accept that you can't change these people and it's time to concentrate on yourself and your own family.

I hope the only news we get from you from now on is good news. I hope the girlfriend can be as positive as you and neither of you have a moment of weakness. Let us know how you get on and please post here if you do feel you need to communicate with your brother and we will support you through it before you slip.

Regards
Jan