Hopeful

>>I am distancing slowly from that world, slowly I am indeed thinking less of that. It will go away.<<

Me too. I am more focused on my own recovery than thinking of him (and what I thought was "us").

I have a daughter who survived cancer. She was debating one time whether to offer herself for a cancer support group at her church. She said as she was contemplating, she remembered someone she had seen on Oprah that had survived the holocast. He said every survivor has a responsibility to share their story.

I feel I was given such a gift here on the forum. I feel like I am not only surviving but overcoming. So I will continue to "show up" and if my experience can help others, I will feel somehow I am "giving back" for the validation, information, encouragement and support. I try to stay more focused on the positive as well.

>>But yes, I have been better, I have my downs and ups, but things will chage as I find a new directions. <<

I am soooooooo glad to hear that (((hopeful)))) It was good to hear from you. I was wondering about you. . .missed you!

:-)
finished

I copied this, a small exerpt from the Sam V interview. . .poingant! (there was more but this I found facinating. Especially about the self-deluding optimism they provoke in their victims.) AND THE NO CONTACT!

These are words from a narcissist as copied from the interview:

What is your advice to somebody who might read this and think that they live or work with a narcissist? What’s the first thing they should do?

The first and the last thing they should do is disengage. Run, abandon, vanish. Make no excuses. Narcissism is dangerous to your health.

Regarding your own experience with NPD: with such a poor prognosis for sufferers, aren’t you at least beating the odds when it comes to NPD? Would you say you are winning the battle, if not the war?

Undoubtedly, I have succeeded to harness the usually destructive power of narcissism and apply it productively for the common benefit of everyone involved. But it is still narcissism. I am still—exclusively—after narcissistic supply. I am as grandiose, as exploitative, as lacking empathy as I ever was. I feel as entitled as I ever did. I fly into rages, idealize and devalue and, in general, exhibit the full spectrum of narcissistic behaviors.

Narcissism is a dynamic. Its outcomes can be either socially acceptable or condemnable—but the underlying corrosive phenomenon is the same. One cannot heal merely by cognitively accepting that one is diseased. The assimilation of such an insight requires an emotional complement, an investment of feelings and humility. I lack these.

FINISHED SPEAKING HERE: THIS IS WHAT I SAW IN MY THINKING. THAT SOMEHOW IT WAS ALL GOING TO WORK OUT. SELF-DELUDING OPTIMISM.

I once wrote in The Malignant Optimism of the Abused:

I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism." People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary... So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking."

Volume 16, Issue 7

Finished,

Thanks.... Did your kids made it out of trouble? Have you find out a way to discuss all that with them? You seem to have lived so much. I feel and I have felt in the last months that I am there to tell the story as well. But I know it is delicate to talk about those stories, you never know what are the reactions of the people. I am about to give up...

Post deleted by Dianne E. per authors request.

Finished,

You are tough with all those stories.You said that you have a daughter, I hope she is OK. You should fight for them and talk a lot with them. I have advanced teenagers. They have been well but I am worried for them. They have had all kind of medical problems, but are ok, I have spoken so much with them about all that and I am afraid that they will have some genetic trace of the Ps despite their willingness for the good. It wouldn't fair to have those genes.

I am sure something good will happen.

Post deleted by Dianne E. per authors request

Finished,
If I read the post,it seems something, although insipid to say, but a lot of us that fell in the game of a P were weak in the sense that we had a lot on our shoulder already. The one that are not in need simply turn away when confronted with the atrocities of a P. I am reasoning that some are more vunerable than others or let's say that some place their energy on different spheres!

Hopeful

I have learned since learning about P's and their behavior, that they have a built in radar that hones in on vunerable people. I would say my greatest vulnerability was that I was starved for some love and affection. P#1 was incapable of either. P#2 was ever so kind (although I never told him much about my personal life) his internal radar picked it up. His atrocities didn't show up until after the conquest.
At that point I was hooked. . .

Here is some more of that piece that I posted yesterday. Written by Sam V the self professed narcissist. I think it is very enlightning. It speaks to me especially of how I tried to kid myself even though the behavior was right in front of me. Of course I didn't have a label for it then, but I knew there was "something wrong" if you know what I mean. The behavior was weird to me but I made excuses for him.

The excerpt is as follows from samvsuite101webpage:

I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary...

So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking.

"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers".

The Pollyanna defences of the abused against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one. And that finally their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.

The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal.

Finished,

I read a lot on Narcissism last night by Sam Vin(?). I couldn't believe what I was reading. I know everything he talks about first hand (like you) and I found myself rocking back and forth while reading it, my counselor says that is a sign of trying to comfort yourself like a mother does with her baby. I just can't believe how true it all is. And the fear of knowing that he is incapable of change.

Have you read Malignant Self love, Narcissim Revisited? I am wondering if it would be more harmfull or helpfull for me to read it. I am tempted to just stop learning anymore now that I know what he is. I am scared to go deeper.

Mindy