Hi Diane-
From what I've read, and what my instincts tell me, I believe he is a strong NPD. I do think he has a conscience based on things I have observed in the past.

Without getting into blaming myself, I can see how the secrecy of our relationship could have fanned all the insecurites this personality has.

I can almost pinpoint where his rage kicked in.

Because of the "secret", I had to act very impersonal and distant. We worked together and I am pretty much a happy and outgoing individual. I like most people and really, I would have to say, most people like me. I have taken good care of myself over the years and I am attractive.

So. . .it sets the stage for all this unhealthiness. I can see how it has done much damage. Much. . .ignorantly, but MUCH.

That is why Diane, I can't say enough, thank you, thank you, thank you for this forum. When I say I stumbled in here October 4th, I was a desperate woman looking for answers. My problems are manageable when I know what I'm dealing with.

It has been a lot of hard work, working through MY own issues here. But now I can see how it all ties in. What a blessing, what a gift. I am armed with a wealth of information that can keep me on track in relationships no matter what kind.

Again and again, my heartfelt gratitude. I owe so many here so much.
finished

P.S. what happened to all my friends. . .did we all bail to sort things out at the same time?

This is so mysterious. . .what happened to everyone?

If I did not recognize my own posts, I would think I would have dreamnt I was here!

I continue to think about you all and pray for you each day. . .

Somebody respond and let me know there are REAL people on the other side of this. . .

. . .Please. . .
finished

P.S. if I offended anyone, I truly apologize.

Hi Finished,
I'm still here, still reading, but not posting so much. I've been away from home for a while. Funny thing, I went into a bookstore outlet, and what jumped out at me from the shelves, Patricia Evan's books on verbal abuse. I grabbed them both for $4 a piece. They are making alot of sense. I had trouble starting to read them. It is as if I have gotten saturated with "dealing" with my problems, and need to take a break from it all. One of the things I am realizing is that the verbal abuse and invalidation have been part of my life since very early childhood. And It is hard for me to reconcile those feelings with my love for and desire to be respectful to my parents. So I would rather not look at it. Although, I think that if I go through that path, it will benefit me, and probably my children, greatly in the end.
Anyway, I hope you are doing well, and everyone else here also. Have a good weekend.
Leti

Hi Leti-

Thank you so much for responding.

> It is as if I have gotten saturated with "dealing" with my problems, and need to take a break from it all. <

I can relate. Earlier this month, I posted and after that post, I had to take about a week away from the forum to sort things out.

>One of the things I am realizing is that the verbal abuse and invalidation have been part of my life since very early childhood. And It is hard for me to reconcile those feelings with my love for and desire to be respectful to my parents. So I would rather not look at it.<

What I particulary loved about the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" was it finally made it clear to me THAT THIS WAS ABUSE. My way of dealing with it was to become numb to it.

Now I see!!!

The two realities really broke it down to where I can see clearly now people that fall in reality one or reality two. Reality One - power over - kills the spirit. Reality Two - personal empowerment - nourishes the spirit. Makes it real easy to seperate the sheep from the goats. : -)

I also found it difficult to reconcile this reality to my parents and grandparents. I'm so grateful that I'm finding the information that gives me understanding. Just knowing the truth demystifies it for me.

Truthfully, it was easier to forgive P than my parents and grandparents. I'm just now starting to feel a LITTLE tiny bit of compassion for them as well. From what I'm learning, they also are a product of their family of orgin.

I don't FEEL like I've forgiven, but I accept that perhaps the feelings will follow at some point in time.

At any rate, understanding the realities, gives me the "weapon" I need to protect myself.

You have a good weekend too, Leti. Thanks again.
finished

A few weeks ago, I picked up a book written by a French psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and victimologist, Marie-France Hirigoyen. It's called "Stalking the Soul." It's about emotional abuse and the erosion of identity, a crime whose aim is, she says, "a virtual murder of the soul." I highly recommend it.

Hi Breggan, thanks for bringing up this book.

Stalking the Soul
by Marie-France Hirigoyen

In this groundbreaking account -- already an international bestseller -- Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen lays bare the destructive "hidden" phenomenon of emotional abuse. She argues that while emotional abuse is not as visible as physical abuse, it is equally violent -- and perhaps even more widespread. It is a crime whose aim is, she says, "a virtual murder of the soul."

Emotional abuse exists all around us -- in couples, in families, and in the workplace. But in an age where moral and behavioral standards are not absolute, society turns a blind eye to this insidious form of violence, tacitly condoning conduct that is both dangerous and perverse.

Illustrating her points with gripping case histories from her own therapeutic practice, plus popular examples ranging from the films of Hitchcock to the personal life of Einstein and the works of Ovid, Kafka, and Freud, Hirigoyen analyzes the psychology of abusers and their victims as well as the dynamic between them. She breaks down the stages of emotional abuse, a process that begins with seduction and brainwashing and culminates in an open violence that sweeps the victim into a vortex of destruction. Finally, she offers practical advice on how to break free of abuse's vicious hold.

Stalking the Soul is a call to recognize and understand emotional abuse and, most importantly, to overcome it. Sophisticated yet wholly accessible, this landmark account is vital reading for health professionals and victims of abuse, as well as for the concerned public. In 1995 Daniel Goleman showed the world that emotions shape our intelligence. Today Marie-France Hirigoyen shows that emotions shape our entire being -- indeed, our very soul.
[from the inside flaps]

information continues...

Emotional Abuse Books

Hi again, , ,

So many responded to my desperate posts last month and I have followed through on just about everything you all encouraged me to do. i have become a virocious reader on this subject for one. I also completed my counseling at the DODV so I can start in group sessions next Tuesday. I contacted the rape center and have had some counseling there and started with that group last night.

Although I would not choose to take this path again, it has changed my life in so many ways. The experience put my in touch with family issues, I didn't like everything I saw but now I know. I have LEARNED so much.

I continue to be grateful for the "hands" that reached out to me in my crisis time with your validation, suggestions and support. I will never forget. . . ever.

Another thing I'm grateful for now, is I have a greater awareness of other women who are in pain. I have been appalled at how other women DON"T validate their fellow sisters (those they call friends).. I've been angered be how some women actually seem to enjoy it when their "sisters" are struggling. It's like they get a perverse sense of satisfaction in watching the struggle. I know I never noticed that before.

Among other things, what this experience has done for me is to really listen and give validation and support when it is appropriate. And encourage women to pay attention to their instincts. I believe God gave us that gift to help keep us (women especially) out of trouble. If someone early on could have encouraged me in that regard I would have been better equipped to trust myself. Unfortunately, I did not come from a family that fostered that so I grew up and have spent a lifetime second guessing myself.

Another new thing I'm going to do is listen to other womens feedback when their instincts say something is wrong in something I'm into. Not saying I'm going to do what they say, but I will carefully consider it.

Again, thank you. And thank you Di for posting some more books to read. Stalking the Soul sounds like something I would like to read.

Bless you all
finished

The effects of a Psychopathic Relationship and the aftermath of pain, loneliness, fear, self doubt, financial hardship, and despair and go on and on and on and on for those in recovery. I wish I could wave a wand and heal my dear beloved friends here from these horrendous consequences. I wish I had magic words to repair the damage and make them whole.

We, the victims are survivors, yet we are all so fragile. Please stay with me, my friends. I need you.

Neverthesame

Oh Betrayed. . .

I don't know how I missed this post from you! Thank you so much for your kind words. I think it was you that encouraged me to keep going back to the battered womans center. I did and will be starting in the group next Tuesday.

I will get the books that you recommended! It has been AMAZING the things that have surfaced. So much so I returned to my $90 per hour counselor for a session to run by her all I had uncovered on my "archelogical" dig. I love her. She is the one that told me I had GREAT INSTINCTS!.. She was equally as validating as I shared my thoughts and ideas. She told me I was SO RIGHT ON! And today I thought, if that had been a man counselor. . .I don't think his ego could have let me figure all that out without his guidence. God bless you Betrayed, you have been a tremendous help to me.

finished

Neverthesame. . .

I feel as you do. I have alot more awareness and this was my first safe harbor of support from my experience with P's. I would not be where I am today without you all. I still and will always need you too.

Like you I wish I had the magic wand to "make it all better" for my precious new friends. I don't but I do keep each of you near and dear in my heartfelt prayers.

How sweet you are neverthesame.
finished

I loved your post "to thine own false self be true" LOL that was great!