finished wrote: <
you are right, finished, I will never be able to trust that P. ever again. The betrayal hurts so deep and it is cruel and torturous.

I wish I could do the "No Contact". I have tried before and I felt so alone in my pain, and was so isolated and cried so much. I can't do it alone. I know in my heart, it is probably what I will have to do. I have said in the past that the P. put me on the back burner when new targets came along. I am reliving that pain, as the P. is putting me aside again. Even though we don't talk much these days, I can feel it when I talk to him, I can since it, I know he is preoccupied with his new source of narsasictic supply. Everytime he does this I feel like an object all over again, so replacable, everything the P. and I had was so fake, so not special to him.

What hurts more now is that his new target is a salesperson, not just office staff, he can make her his true business partner. I have to remember that he is a P. no matter who he is with. The patterns will be repeated. It is just a reminder to me each and every time he selects a new target that I was used in the most evil way. He has been doing this for all his life I am sure, and to move on to the next, is second nature to him. In fleeting moments I think he thinks of me and calls me up just to see if I will answer the phone, to see if I am still here, to see if I am still hurting, to see if I am still available if he was to come back to me, an ego trip for him. Of course I always take the call, Im always nice cause of dear me what would happen if I didn't take that call or if I was mean - he may blow me off completely - forever. Hmmm, isn't that what he deserves from me!!

betterway

HopefulI

>>I feel I have a lost the sparkling aura I apparently had;I even seem to have forgotten the skills of my profession; and of course with that, I have lost some of my enthusiast.<<

Hopeful, I find little by little one day at a time (some days good some days bad) that my original spontaniaty is returning. I have to make those detailed lists everyday for my professional life and follow it carefully but for the last several months, I couldn't even do that (make a list). Your intellect and enthusiam for life is part of your personality. It will return as you/we/me keep healing.
Maybe starting over isn't such a bad thing. We can do it better this time :-)
finished

Leti

That was my thought exactly before I saw your thought.

Mail is pretty impersonal. . .I agree, I think mail is a good idea too.

finished

Betterway

I so feel your pain in your post. I went through over five years of those exact feelings. I was shocked, bewildered and devestated. I watched the same things you are experiencing right now. New business "partners" - "targets" and I couldn't bring myself to believe what was happening and what I was seeing. And P made sure he wasn't available to answer any of my questions. He just withdrew and isolated himself from me.
Tonight is my DVIS night. We talked about trauma bonding. They gave us some great handouts and I'll go through and highlight some of the things that spoke to me and post.
I'm concerned about you ((((Betterway))))). Do you have support people to help you through this? I know when I was going through "my stuff", I didn't. Also, I didn't even have a therapist who could explain or help me understand what happened. Fortunatly, Betrayed (where are you Betrayed?) encouraged me to go to DVIS,and use all available resourses. I shared at my first appointment, I bolted out before but she encouraged me to go back. I am so glad I did. I am learning how not to be a victim. And of course, the forum here. . .my life saver. I'm not able to post as much as before. My son has moved in with me and I don't have as much privacy as before. Also, he hogs the computer sometimes :-) and I don't want him looking over my shoulder. The other night he asked what I was doing and I said "talking to my friends". that's what you all have come to be to me.
Take care of yourself (((Betterway))). I can truly relate to your feelings. Every one of them. . .
finished

Finished,
Yes, your story helps me a great deal too... along with
all of the other forum members. So, thank you for your
kind words. I truly, truly appreciate what you said to me.
My blessings in return...to all.
Rick

>>Do you have support people to help you through this? I know when I was going through "my stuff", I didn't.<<

finished,
I don't have much support, only a couple friends that listen to me, but don't really understand. I do go to a therapist once a week. He understands and is as supportive as he can be. I just believe that the people that really understand are the ones that have been there and done the whole N/P. thing. I know there are others out there hurting, probably right here in my home town. I just hope they find help, going through this alone is the worst. Part of the P.s game plan was to isolate me, and that is the worst thing for me.

I really appreciate all the support you give me. It is a comfort to know that you are there and have experienced the same kind of P. that I have.

Unfornately because of other things going on in my life when I met the P. in 1998, my job was a big part of my life, and the P. was my best friend, and I don't have many other friends. I invested alot into that P. friendship. I was so trusting. I don't open up to very many people, and the P. got me to open up to him. He was such a P. from the day I met him. I was so naive and needy.

I applied to work at another company today. Doesn't look good though, they don't carry the type of insurance I need to do some of the work I specialize in and I can't get it on an individual basis. I hope I will have the courage to take the big step if I am able to find a company to work for. Nothing else has worked, so maybe leaving the company where the P is - is the next thing to try.

Thanks to everybody here for all your posting and support,
betterway

I have just finished a really good book called "Addicted to Love" by Steve Arterburn.
It really spoke to me. . .
finished

I Got Great News - Started a new job today. I did it. Talked myself into it. This is a great big step towards the very important "No Contact" Rule.

Although there were some unfair situations concerning my pay and clients that I take with me, I'm still glad I did it. The way my office acted today is all the more reason I know I did the right thing. It is worth loosing some money to do what is right for my health.

I am strong today, thats all that matters for this moment. Have to live in the moment. I know that whatever the future holds emotionally for me that I got the support here and I'm headed in the right direction. Still talked to P. today, left things pretty good with him business wise. Will see what happens.

I gotta get to work, way behind after being such a mess for so long. Maybe my motivation and concentration will come back now.

You all mean so much to me,
betterway

Betterway!!!!
Horray for you girl! What awesome news and a quantum leap in the right direction! And good for you too that you left things good business wise. I know in my industry it is never good to burn bridges. There is alot of "recycling" in the profession I'm in.
I know your'e going to be really busy but keep us posted. I'm so happy for you (((betterway)). . .YOU DID IT!!!!
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
finished

wow, its been quiet around here.

finished,
thanks for your support. Leaving my job was a much needed move, however, I did it when I was able. There has been so much emotional garbage with the P for the last 2 yrs that he had me totally stuck. Staying or leaving caused me the same amount of pain so I just sat still. With the help of my therapists and this website and learning so so much about P's behaviors, I have finally been able to do it. I fight my thoughts constantly to stay away from the memories and wondering what he is up to, who he is targeting now. If I let my thoughts go then I'm in trouble and my thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings that about destroy me.

I really want to let go of him, detach so much, that he will never have any power over my thoughts or actions again, never ever. It is a slow process and I know it will eventually happen, it just has to.

Hope everything is fine with you finished.

betterway